The Switch Glitch
by Zilo Sugarpill
Summary: If I could make a second wish, it would be that whoever does the wish granting wasn't so literal. When I wished I could be in Full Metal Alchemist, I MEANT the show! I wish I'd known what I was getting into when I opened that e-mail...
1. ARC ONE: The Switch

**T **for language, violence, blood?  
**Written by: **Zilo  
**Beta: **Maruka Gomez

* * *

Zilo: Hello, everyone! Thank you for joining me as I embark on inserting my favorite cousin into one of my stories!  
Risty: I'm your favorite? (touched)  
Zilo: Yup. I'd like you all to know, this is what I call a "split-genre" story. The adventure and humor usually isn't mixed together. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's exciting. Heck, sometimes it's sad. But anyway, if you all would be so kind, read the chapter!  
Risty: And enjoy, everyone!

* * *

_Though I am a girl, and FMA's creator is too, we are not the same. I don't own. Sad for me, great for you._

* * *

**ONE: The Switch  
AKA "Don't Send Any More Chain Letters"**

* * *

_Risty May's P.O.V._

* * *

"And OHHHHH, you rock my world, and OHHHHHHHHHH, wanna be your girl..."

I sang along with one of my favorite songs, which was currently blasting from the CD player in my bathroom, as I combed my waist-length, brownish-black hair. Whenever I did my daily twenty-minute hair ritual of washing and moisturizing and a lot of other necessary crap, I always played some music.

"...What would I DOOOOOOOOO if I couldn't hang with YOUUUUUUUUUUUU..."

A loud knock on the door interrupted my morning karaoke. I turned my CD player down and poked my head out of the bathroom. "Yes?" I called.

_"Risty May! Zoe's here to take you to school!"_my mom yelled through the door.

I looked down at my oversized nightshirt and socks. "Mom, I'm not even dressed!" I yelled back. "Could you keep her busy for a few minutes? Talk about the weather, or pudding, or something?"

Mom's chuckle floated through the door. _"On it, ma'am," _she said, and I could practically see her giving me a mock salute. I smiled as I finished running the comb through my hair and used the ponytail holder on my wrist to pull it into a loose ponytail. My mom and I are more like friends than mother and daughter sometimes. Sure, we get into fights, disagree, and Mom sometimes "pulls rank" on me, as I like to say, but we've still got a pretty great relationship.

I smiled as I walked over to my closet. My family is made up of three people. My dad, Julio, my mom, Rose, and me, Marista May Lidia, Risty May or Risty for short. We're the Fernandez...es. (Fernandi? Ugh.) My dad has one of those big CEO-type jobs that have him traveling around a lot. Because he makes a fairly decent salary, my mom was able to finish nursing school, then stay at home and raise me, which is probably why we're so close.

While thinking these thoughts, I absently pulled on peeling strips of the iron-print on my nightshirt. I stopped when I realized what I was doing, and held out my nightshirt. The large, upside down, grinning face of Edward Elric looked back at me, his headshot messed up by cracks and patches where the nightshirt showed through.

The nightshirt was a present from my best friend, Zoe, for my fourteenth birthday. She had spent hours and hours searching both the internet and craft shops looking for a Full Metal Alchemist iron-print, and then she ironed it on herself. And she hates ironing. I still think it's one of the most thoughtful gifts I've gotten. And I was supposed to be renewing my vow not to pick at the peeling parts.

I sighed and pulled the shirt over my head, grabbing a pair of jeans and a red shirt with a black stripe across the chest out of my closet. I reached out with my foot and rolled a pair of black mules out.

Five minutes later I was dressed and heading for the door. I grabbed my backpack off the bed, checked to ensure everything I wanted was inside, and left my room. I heard voices in the living room and aimed myself in that direction.

"Yes, but at least the paint covered it-heeey Risty May!" Zoe said, waving at me over the sofa. Her eyelash-length blond bangs fell in her face as she leaned over the sofa to wave at me. "Ready to go?"

I nodded. "We're gonna leave without breakfast, okay?" I told my mom, who was sitting in the armchair across from the couch.

Mom stood up, smiling. "Sure, but you shouldn't learn on an empty stomach. Think fast." She whipped two shiny projectiles at our heads. I fumbled but managed to catch my granola bar, and Zoe's nose did a good job of catching hers. She let it fall into her hand and got up, slinging her book bag over her shoulder.

"Okay, I'll see you this evening, Mom," I said, leaning over to kiss her cheek as we passed the armchair.

Mom hugged me with one arm. "Have a good day, sweetie."

"Bye, Mrs. F!" Zoe said as we walked out the door.

* * *

**Later...**

So, what happened at school? Nothing important. Class, lunch, tests, notes, avoiding that nerd who wants to ask me out-all in a day's work for a highschool junior.

Yes, I said junior. And yes, I know I'm only about to turn fifteen. I'm smart, okay? Back off.

Anyway, after school we went to our favorite cafe to scarf down coffee and Danishes while celebrating the approach of spring break. After getting an iced coffee, a chai, and a giant cheese Danish to share, we crammed into our favorite windowside booth and spread books and other junk all over the table. The Danish was put onto a napkin on the center so we could both pull pieces off.

"Just one more day until spring break officially starts," Zoe exulted, sipping her iced coffee.

"I'm glad," I sighed.

Zoe looked up at me. "Is this about that crying in math thing I was hearing about?"

I nodded miserably. We had gotten our quiz grades back today, and mine was a D, even after I had studied so hard. I worked really, _really_ hard not to cry, and I managed not to make any noise, but some tears did fall. I heard a couple of giggles, got several sympathetic and empathetic glances, and even a couple encouraging pats on the back as we left. I'm unfortunately a bit of a crybaby.

"Well, don't let it get to you," Zoe told me after I related the embarrassing story. "People break down in Mr. Tyler's class all the time anyway."

"Yeah, but I cry over _everything_," I protested, moodily picking at a chunk of Danish in my hand. "I'm always called the crybaby or the waterfall or, my personal not-favorite, the water fountain. It gets on my nerves. But I can't help that I'm sensitive!" Even at that point tears were pooling in my eyes.

Zoe patted my hand. "Well, maybe you just need some time to learn to toughen up," she said, pushing her short hair behind her ears. "Don't get upset, okaaaay, Risty May?"

I smiled through my teary eyes. "Okay."

* * *

**That evening...**

**EdwardsWife77:** so did u get the e-mails i sent?  
**MistaMarista:** well, there were a lot of them. any one in particular?  
**EdwardsWife77:** yes! the 1 in all caps!  
**MistaMarista:** oh, let me check. brb  
**MistaMarista:** it's a chain letter, isn't it?  
**EdwardsWife77:** yes but its a different one! plz look at it 4 me, plz?  
**MistaMarista:** fine I will this one time  
**MistaMarista:** mom's calling me, gotta go  
**EdwardsWife77:** dont 4get to read the letter!

I sighed as I closed the Instant Message window, relieved that Mom had called me for dinner. My online buddy EdwardsWife77, or as I like to call her, Psycho Girl, was a giant Edward Elric fan, and she sent me many e-mails daily, all with links to websites, forums, pictures, or anything that was relevant to Full Metal Alchemist. Along with that was an unhealthily large dose of chain letters, which I almost always tossed before looking.

So, since I had said I would, I scrolled the list of letters-almost all from you-know-who-while marking the ones I wanted to delete. Finally I came across one that was titled "MISTAMARISTA YOU MUST TRY THIS" and sighed, clicking on it.

Are you a hardcore anime fan? Wish that sometimes you could join your favorite characters in their awesome adventures? Your wish is about to come true! Simply wish three times to be put in your favorite anime, and send this letter off to ten friends in ten minutes. If you wait longer than ten minutes, the wish will backfire! But if you send it in time, you'll wake up to the adventure of a lifetime!

I rolled my eyes. How many times had I seen chain letters along this track? As cool as it would be, I knew they didn't work. But I had given my word, basically, to the psychopath, and I had to uphold my word, if nothing else. So I closed my eyes, bowed my head, and clasped my hands, as if in prayer.

"I wish I was in Full Metal Alchemist," I said three times.

There was a moment's silence as I waited in that position, then lifted my head. Of course, nothing had happened. I smiled and shook my head as I pulled up my friendslist to send them the corny thing.

"_Risty May! Dinner!_" my mom yelled again.

I pushed back my chair. "Sorry! Coming!" I yelled as I jumped up and left the study, leaving the window up on the computer. I checked my watch and saw that it was 7:52.

* * *

So, what happened at dinner? Nothing really. Mom, Dad, and I talked about our days. Dad mentioned that he was going to an out-of-state conference tomorrow, and he'd be gone a few days. Mom said her book club was meeting again tomorrow. I broke the news about my bed grade, but they didn't fly off the handle, fortunately. Partway through my head started to hurt, but I ignored it and kept eating and talking. After a few minutes it got worse, and when I lowered my head and rubbed my temples, I noticed that my watch said 8:05.

"Risty May? You all right?" my dad asked worriedly.

"Just a little headache," I told him with a smile.

Mom instantly reached over and felt my forehead. "Hitting the books a little too hard?" she teased.

"Nah, I think I just don't feel good. Can I be excused?"

Both my parents nodded, and I got up, taking my half-empty plate with me. I dumped my food in the trash and put my dishes in the sink, then headed for my room. I figured I'd just rest my eyes for a bit as I flopped on my bed.

I woke up with a start and checked my watch. It was now 11:53. I rolled off my bed and opened my door. Everything was dark and quiet, so I knew Mom and Dad had turned in. I saw a light coming from the study and walked down the hall and into the room to investigate.

The computer was on, and the screensaver was running, and I realized I had left everything up. I sat down and moved the mouse, bringing up the windows, and remembered the chain letter. With a laugh I e-mailed it to my friendslist, re-titling it "An awesome waste of Time!" and then closed everything and turned the computer off. I stretched and yawned, then, as I stood up, my head suddenly became dizzy, and I had to sit back down quickly. I held my head, and then stood up again, slower this time. My head hurt again, but I walked back to my bedroom, closing the door behind me.

My head was spinning and hurting at the same time, and I couldn't figure out why it was suddenly acting that way. I laid down on my bed, hoping that a good night's sleep would make it go away. I laid on my side, eyes closed, waiting to fall asleep, but all that happened was my head hurt more and more.

Finally I opened my eyes and decided to get some aspirin. I sat up, and at that point I must have passed out, because I sure don't remember lying back down.

* * *

..send this to yer friiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiends...ends...ends...or you'll die in an earthquake...ake...ake...ake...

Yeah, sometimes my dreams suck.

I shifted slightly as I slowly returned to consciousness. My head didn't hurt anymore, and I was quite relieved. I realized that I had been covered up and figured Mom or Dad had looked in on me after I fell asleep...er, passed out.

I cracked open an eye, and it was attacked by sunlight. I instantly closed it, frowning. I almost never opened my curtains. It was so I could avoid something like this. Had Mom or Dad opened them? If so, we needed to have a talk.

Once again, I cracked open my eye, and the sunlight happily stabbed it. I forced myself to tough it out, though, until my eye had adjusted some. Then I opened it a little more, and a little more, until finally it was completely open. What I saw made me open the other eye.

I wasn't in my room at all. It was some generically white room with nothing in it but the bed I was lying on, a small nightstand which had some red and black clothes folded up on it, and an open door leading to a tiny bathroom. I stared around, trying to figure out what was going on, and where I was.

"What on earth?" I said aloud, then gasped and clapped my left hand over my mouth. My voice wasn't mine. It sounded like a guy's voice.

Slowly, I lowered my hand. "This must be a dream," I said out loud, still shocked to hear my words being said in some dude's voice. "Testing, one, two, five...I guess I've decided to turn into a man in my dreams now." I reached up with my right hand to scratch my head, and frowned when I didn't feel it respond. Suddenly something very hard smacked into the side of my head.

"Ow!" I yelled, jumping. I whirled to glare at whatever hit me, but my anger faded away when I found myself staring at a metal hand.

"No way," I said slowly. "Automail?" I flexed each digit, then the hand, then the wrist, then the elbow, fascinated. "So now I'm a guy with automail?" I said incredulously.

That was when it dawned on me.

My voice wasn't just _any_ guy's voice.

This weird panicky feeling was beginning to flutter in my stomach. I whipped back the covers with my flesh hand, and behold! I stared at one flesh leg and one automail leg. I flexed the toes on both, and suddenly noticed my hand. It wasn't small and light brown anymore, with nice nails and no blemishes. It was well-tanned, bigger, rougher. And the nails were a crime.

I swallowed as I began to pull up a list in my head. I reached back behind me for my hair, and instead of it being waist-length, and soft and silky like it's _supposed_ to be, it was about half the length, and felt as though someone had dumped a bucket of saltwater over my head and let it dry. I pulled my hair in front of my face, and behold! Again!

It was blond.

This list was getting scary.

I scanned the room, and when I didn't see what I wanted, I hesitantly got out of bed and put my feet on the floor, standing. I had to put my arms out, because I felt so unbalanced. I could only feel one leg, even though I knew there were two. Slowly, I made my way into the bathroom, watching my feet so I didn't trip.

When I finally crossed the room and got inside the bathroom, I checked the walls and found what I was looking for-a mirror, hanging over the sink. I crept up to it, almost afraid to look. But I sucked up my courage, and swung around to face it head-on.

Oh...my...Holy. Schnikey.

I clapped both hands over my mouth to keep from screaming, and unfortunately banged my nose with the automail hand. My eyes weren't blue anymore. My face was no longer heart-shaped. And my ears weren't pierced. I wasn't Marista May Lidia Fernandez anymore. Instead, I was...I was...

Edward Elric.

_,_ was all my brain could think to process. I hesitantly reached out with my left hand and touched the mirror, and my wide-eyed, shell-shocked reflection did the same.

_O...M...Forget it. I'm nuts. I'm dreaming. I gotta wake up. This is not a cool dream! A cool dream would be me hanging WITH Edward Elric, fighting crime or something. A cool dream would not be me BEING Edward Elric!_

I turned and ran out of the bathroom, but I misjudged my automail foot and tripped, falling-fortunately-on the bed. I scrambled off and looked for a way to wake myself up.

"Okay, let me think," I said, wincing when Edward Elric's voice came out of my mouth. "The last time I was in a dream and knew it and wanted to wake up, I had to, uh...oh yes! Cause myself a lot of pain!" It wasn't the funnest dream, so I ended it by stabbing myself in the eye with a pencil. Not cool.

I looked around for a pencil to stab myself with, but there wasn't one (which, in retrospect, I'm very glad for). Then my eyes fell on the nightstand. I stepped over and lifted the pile of clothes, realizing these must be my...er, Edward Elric's regular outfit. I slowly unfolded each piece and laid it on the bed, just to make sure.

Red hooded coat with flamel symbol: check.

Black jacket with metal snappy thingy: check.

Black tank top: check.

Uncomfortable-looking greenish-black leather pants: check.

Big giant brown belt: check.

White glove: check.

Other white glove: check.

Silver State Alchemist pocket watch: che-hey!

I picked the pocket watch back up and felt around it for the latch. When I found it I flipped it open and stared at the words inscribed inside. _Don't forget, 3 Oct 10_. I traced the words with a finger, noticing how real the metal felt against my Edward skin. In fact, everything felt real enough to be...well, real. If I wasn't so sure it was a dream, I would almost have thought...

"Whoa, there, sister," I said to myself, still not used to this...sounding like Edward thing. "Stop thinking fangirl. This is a dream." I closed the watch and put it on the bed, noting that Edward's boots were lined up on the floor next to the bed.

"Now, back to business." I sat on the bed and pulled the nightstand up to my knees. Holding it on either side, I braced myself, feeling the little warning bells you normally feel when about to do something painful. But I had to wake up, because this was too weird.

BAM!

I banged my head against the surface of the nightstand. I stayed in that position, feeling the throbbing spread over my forehead, but I didn't wake up. I sat up and rubbed the area briefly. "Huh...must need to do it again," I said.

BAM!

Still no wake up. The throbbing pain spread a little. I sat up again, not enjoying the pain. This was creepy, because I don't usually feel pain in my dreams. "This must be reeeeeeally vivid," I said, rubbing the sore spot again. "But I'm not staying. Once more."

BAM!

Nothing, but the pain was worse.

BAM!

The area started to get hot.

BAM! BAM!

I was ready to quit. I sat up, wincing, and carefully rubbed the hot, sore spot. I checked my fingers, making sure I hadn't drawn blood. I hadn't, but you know that headache I was relieved was gone? Well, it had come back.

"Why am I not waking up?" I yelled angrily at the innocent, now dented desk. "This always works! Ugh!" I crossed my arms huffily, and my automail arm banged my chest.

"Oh, consnark it!" I yelled at the automail. "Must you hurt me?"

Apparently the door had opened while I was ranting at inanimate objects.

"Brother?"

"GAHHH!" I jumped in surprise and fell off the bed, landing on my back. This did nothing for all the injuries I was acquiring.

I stayed where I was, afraid to move lest I bang my automail against my spleen or something. As I did, I heard a familiar sound of metal repeatedly meeting the floor. It didn't register until a mammoth suit of armor was leaning over me.

"Are you okay, Brother?"

I made the awesomest impression of a fish out of water at that point. My mouth gaped and closed at least seven times before I could form coherent syllables and make out his name. "Alphonse..." I managed.

"Are you all right?" he repeated.

I was about to correct him and tell him that I wasn't his brother Edward, I was Risty May, a mere fan of his brother Edward. But then I realized the situation I was in. I looked like Edward, sounded like Edward, and probably smelled like Edward.

In other words, I was a duck.

"Uh...I'm f-fine," I said, managing to get into a sitting position without banging any other part of my body with my right arm.

Alphonse sounded relieved when he spoke again. "You've been unconscious for a day," he said as he helped me to my feet.

"I...have?" I said, rubbing my sore forehead with my left hand.

Alphonse nodded. "What happened to your head?"

I could feel the heat on my forehead. "Uh...I tripped and hit it on the sink," I lied.

He bought it and moved on to another subject. "I was worried about you when I came after you. Oh...Brother?"

"Yeah?" I asked, looking up at him.

"You...when you said...you didn't mean what you said to the colonel, did you?"

I swallowed hard. What had I-I mean Edward-said? Was it bad? Did he hurt someone's feelings _again_? I could hear the hopeful note in Alphonse's voice and decided to air on the side of caution.

"No, of course not!" I said vehemently in Edward's voice, patting Alphonse's arm. "You, uh, know me better than that...Al!"

Al seemed to brighten. "Oh, good," he said. "You kind of scared me, you know?"

"Well, I didn't mean to. I'm sorry," I said, smiling at him and feeling sooo weird.

"That's okay," Alphonse said. "I'm just glad you're all right now."

I nodded, though I knew I was anything but all right. I just couldn't believe I was sitting here, as Edward Elric, beside Alphonse Elric, and I had caused myself repeated pain and hadn't woken up. Then it meant I was already awake.

But that was _IM-POS-I-BELLL_! This was the kind of thing that would happen to Zoe, not me! She'd probably be really happy, too. But me, I barely believed this was happening. I didn't know what I should do. Zoe could come up with lightning-fast solutions, I was sure. But I was struggling to accept the fact that I had repeatedly banged my head on the table for _nothing_.

"Oh, you probably need to get dressed," Alphonse said, standing up. I glanced down at the clothes I had so neatly laid on the bed, then at the powder blue hospital gear I had on, and then back up at him. "Uh...right," I said, nodding.

Alphonse left, closing the door behind me, and my hands instantly went for the nightstand. But I stopped. "Probably no matter how much I bang my head on that stupid thing, I won't wake up." I eased my hands back into my lap. "For some reason, I'm Edward now. But why?"

Suddenly my mind whirled back to that chain letter that Psycho Girl had sent me. _NO..._ I thought. _There is NO WAY this happened because of that chain letter! _I stood up and paced slowly. _And even if it had somehow, which I seriously doubt it did, that doesn't explain why I'm Edward Elric. I wished to be in Full Metal Alchemist, not be Ed!_

_Yeah, _my other half said. _Think about it. What exactly did you say?_

I stopped at the window. "What _exactly_? I said, 'I wish I was in Full Metal Alchemist' that's what I said," I said softly.

_I wish I was in...wait...NO! NOT LIKE THAT!_ I put my hands over my face in distress, being extra-careful with the automail, staring at the sky through my fingers in shock. _I MEANT THE SHOW, NOT THE PERSON! MY GOSH, WHOEVER OR WHATEVER DID THIS TO ME WAS BEING A LITERAL-FREAK! That is so unfair, and NOT funny!_

I let myself stew on that for a moment, until something else came to my mind.

"If I'm here, as Edward," I said slowly to the sky outside my window, "what's happened to the _real_ me?"

* * *

Zilo: What indeed?  
Risty: How can you do this to me? I thought you were my friend (tears up)  
Ed: And where am I while Risty May's off bodysnatching, huh? Huh?  
Zilo: Chill, you two. That, my friends, will be answered next chapter!  
Risty: What? How you can do this to me?  
Zilo: ...Uh, no, Ed's question.  
Risty: (tears break) Traitor!  
Al: (comforts) Please review and return for the second chapter, everyone. It would mean a lot to Zilo.


	2. Crossing Over

Zilo: You're back! Yay!  
Roy: Boooo.  
Zilo: (takes away his gloves)  
Roy: Oh no! (crumples into a skeleton)  
Ed: So that's his weakness?  
Risty: Ew.  
Al: (sweatdrop) Here's the second chapter. Um, guys, the colonel's crumbling into dust...

* * *

**TWO: Crossing Over**  
**AKA "Don't Raise Suspicion"**

* * *

_(Edward's P.O.V.)_

* * *

I groaned wordlessly as I slowly returned to consciousness. The air around me was still, and something very close by was giving off a fruity smell. I shifted slightly, realizing I was lying on a bed. Al must have taken me to the hospital.

_What happened?_ I wondered groggily as the rest of my body began to wake up. I remembered storming out of Colonel Mustang's office, angry and upset. I remembered sitting on a bench and feeling my head start to hurt. Then, I heard Al coming and standing up to meet him. After that...

After that...I don't know what happened.

I slowly cracked my eyes open, and a dim room greeted me. I sat up, rubbing my left arm, and trying to focus.

Then I froze.

My hand. My right hand. I could _feel _it.

I looked down and held my hands out. They were both there, and real. But...they weren't mine. They were a different shade, maybe like Roze's, only they looked a little lighter. And they were small, slender, and looked like they hadn't seen a decent day's work ever.

They were girl's hands.

"What the h-" I stopped short when I heard my voice. It was higher, softer, more girly. Girly.

I stumbled off the bed and onto my feet, realizing I could feel both. I stared down at myself. My body was _definitely_ the body of a girl's, and it only took one look at my chest to confirm that. I was wearing a red shirt and blue jeans that were rolled up halfway to my knees, revealing foreign legs.

"What the hell," I stated flatly. I looked up and spotted a mirror on the opposite wall and stalked over to it.

My breath seemed to cease. Instead of the face I was accustomed to, I stared into the wide blue eyes of an unfamiliar girl with very long dark hair. I reached up my hand to touch my hair, surprised at its softness, and found the reflection doing the same thing.

"What the _hell_!" I repeated in the strange girl's voice.

Okay, calm down. Something's going on here, and you've just got to find out what.

I tapped the glass, watching my reflection do the same. Then I turned and opened the curtains, spilling sunlight into the room. I was in an unfamiliar room that was decorated to fit a girl's tastes. The walls were lavender, and the carpet was beige. Girl things covered the bookcase, desk, and dresser, and though there were a lot of things, it seemed to be reasonably orderly. A picture of the girl that I was suddenly was, was jammed in the corner of the mirror between the surface and the wooden border. She was grinning at the camera, her arm around the waist of a girl almost two heads taller, who had chin-length blond hair and dark eyes. The latter was resting her elbow on the girl's head, flashing a victory sign at the camera.

"What the hell is going on," I muttered, looking around the room for something to explain this craziness. I came back to the picture and pulled it out, flipping it over. _Me and Zoe at the Two Thirds concert, May '06_ was written on the back.

There was a knock on the door, and I jumped. _"Risty May!" _a strange woman's voice called. _"Zoe's here to take you to school! Are you ready?" _

I stared at the door, unsure what to say or do. The woman didn't _sound_ like an evil kidnapper. She sounded like a mom. And even if she _had _kidnapped me, that didn't explain why I was suddenly a girl named Ritzy May. Or whatever she said.

There was another knock. _"Honey?" _the woman called again, sounding a tad concerned. _"Are you there?"_

I swallowed. She must have been talking to me, thinking I was that girl. But I'm not! I'm Edward Elric!

A third knock, then the knob turned. I panicked as the door slowly swung inward. A tall woman with wavy dark hair, wearing a short-sleeved red dress and matching heels, poked in. Her eyes landed on me, and she looked relieved. "There you are," she said with a slight accent I couldn't place. "How come you didn't answer?"

"Because I'm not your daughter" was on the tip of my tongue, but I hesitated. This woman was smiling at me, obviously having no clue her real daughter wasn't here. Until I could find out what was going on, it was best not to raise suspicion.

"Um...I...was thinking hard," I offered.

The woman looked confused, but accepted it. "Okay, Risty May. Well, I see you're already dressed. Go ahead and put some shoes on. Zoe's waiting downstairs, and I'm going to breakfast with the book club," she said.

"...Have fun?" I tried.

"You too. Oh, think fast." Suddenly a shiny blur was aimed at me. I blinked and got slapped in the face with something kind of hard. "Hmm, that hard thinking must have slowed down the engine!" she said in a joking tone. "Bye, dear." She blew a kiss at me and ducked out the door.

I stared down at the shiny thing that had dropped in my lap. I had no clue what it was, but apparently "Risty May" used it, so I stuffed it into the pocket of my jeans and grabbed the first pair of shoes I saw, which were black with no heels. I stuffed my feet in them and stepped out of the room.

I had no idea where I was. I made my way hesitantly down the hall in front of me, and heard sounds of life coming from an opening to my right. Cautiously, I walked in, and saw a girl sitting on a couch whose back faced me. She must have heard me coming, for she twisted around. I realized it was the girl from the picture, only her hair was shorter and had a light blue streak in the bangs. Zoe. That was it.

"How ya doin' todaaaay, Risty May?" she greeted.

I smiled nervously. "Fine," I said.

She raised a pale eyebrow. "Where's your backpack?"

"Huh?" I looked behind me, as if expecting it to appear. "Oh, I must have left it in...my room," I said. I turned back around and went back to Risty May's room. I looked around until my eyes fell on a pink bag. I picked it up and returned to the room Zoe was in.

"You're wearing the same clothes you had on yesterday. I just noticed," Zoe pointed out. "How come?"

"Um, I just felt like it?" I tried.

Zoe shrugged. "Okay. So, did you see last night's episode?"

I felt confused. "Episode? Of what?"

"What else? Your favorite show, Full Metal Alchemist."

I froze. "What are you talking about?" I demanded. "How do you know my title?"

Zoe stared at me, but now I wanted to know what she was talking about. I had basically forgotten that she was seeing me as Risty May, not Edward Elric.

"Tell me how you know it!" I insisted.

"Did you lick the bottom of your shoes or something?" Zoe asked me in a skeptical tone, with a slight laugh. "That's not your title, silly; it's Edward Elric's."

"I _am _Edward Elric!" I shot back.

Zoe laughed. "Are you identifying with him or something because you two are both short? Because that's-"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE NEEDS TWO FOOTSTOOLS TO REACH THE DOORKNOB _HUH_?" I yelled.

Zoe blinked, taken aback. "Uh...that was weird. You worked on that, huh Risty May?" She smiled, seeming to recover. "Nice. It sounds just like something Edward'd say."

"That's because I _am_ Edward Elric!" I yelled at her, exasperated. "Not this Risty May person! Now tell me where I am and why I'm in this...girl's body!"

Zoe seemed to catch on that I wasn't just joking around, for her brows knit and she pushed herself up to get a better look at me. "Are you all right? I mean, you sound serious."

"I am!" I snapped. I pointed a finger at her. "Now tell me where the hell I am, dammit!"

Zoe blinked in surprise. "Risty May, you don't swear," she said.

"Stop calling me that! I am not Risty May no matter what I look like!"

Slowly, the tall girl got up from the couch, staring at me the whole time. She moved around and came to stand in front of me, her brows still knit in confusion. I glared at her, refusing to tilt my head but instead looked up as best as I could with my eyes.

"You...you _are _different today," Zoe said.

"Because I'm not who you think I am. I'm Edward Elric," I growled.

"That's not even possible," Zoe stated, placing her hands on her hips. "If this is true, and you're not just putting me on, how would you take over Risty's body? And where does that put her?"

I shrugged, glad I was at least making _some_ headway. "I don't know. Just tell me where I am, and I'll call Headquarters."

Zoe's eyes widened, and she bit her lip. "Oh..." she said.

"What?" I asked irritably.

"That might be a problem."

I raised an eyebrow. "You don't have phones?"

"Oh, yeah, there's phones aplenty. But that's not the problem." Here Zoe sighed and looked steadily at me. "Okay, do you promise, promise, promise, you're the real true Edward Elric, 15-year-old State Alchemist, brother of Alphonse, and all that jazz?"

"I'm 16," I corrected, crossing my arms. It was weird to feel the right one. "But yes, I do."

Zoe stared in my eyes for a moment, then seemed to make up her mind. "Okay. I have this awful feeling this is some elaborate practical joke, and you've developed a sick sense of humor...but okay. I'll believe you for now. Something about you really just isn't Risty May. And, stranger things _have_ happened. I always said nothing is impossible."

I sighed in relief. "Now tell me why it's going to be a problem to call Headquarters," I said.

"You better sit down." Zoe took my left wrist and pulled me around to the front of the sofa, where she pushed on my shoulders until I sat down, then sat two cushions away, facing me. She clenched her hand in her lap and heaved a sigh. "You see, uh, Edward, you're kind of...not where you belong."

I raised a brow. "This is outside Central?"

"Uh, a little more than that."

"Amestris."

"Heheh, more than that."

I was confused.

"Ummm...okay. You're currently in the house-and, er, body-of Marista May Lidia Fernandez. Everyone calls her Risty May. But anyway, we're in a city called Odessa, and that's in a state called Florida."

I had no clue what she was talking about, and it showed on my face.

"And-oh, I'm screwing this up." Zoe looked frustrated. "Look, okay? You can't call Headquarters because Headquarters doesn't ex-it's in a different time!"

I stared at her. "_What?_"

"Yeah." There was a gleam in her eyes, as if she had just struck upon something. "Your Headquarters is in 1915, right?"

"Isn't everything else?" I said sarcastically.

She shook her head. "Risty May doesn't live in 1915. She lives in 2007. And if you've hijacked her body, or whatever you call it..."

"Hold on!" I interrupted. "Are you trying to tell me I jumped through _time _somehow?"

"Not only that," Zoe said, looking sadly at me. She muttered something about spoiling a series, or something, but I didn't catch it. She looked up at me. "Have you heard of something called, uh, The Gate?"

Time seemed to stop as I stared at what I had originally thought was an innocent girl. Memories of The Gate rose in my mind as I stared at her, shocked. She caught my expression and swallowed, biting her index nail.

"How do you know about that?" I asked, my borrowed voice suddenly weak.

She looked down at her lap. "That doesn't matter. What does is...I guess you could say you're on the other side."

"On the other side?" I burst out. "There's a _world _on the other side?"

"Yeah," Zoe said, looking very uncomfortable in telling me. "There is. Its time is supposed to match up with your world, I think, but I don't know. But whatever the deal with time, you're not supposed to take over someone's body if you cross The Gate." She suddenly leaned forward. "Where's Risty May, then? Is she still there? Or did you knock her out entirely?"

Sensing the accusing air, I put up my hands defensively. "I don't know." I wanted to know how someone who looked so ordinary knew all these things about The Gate, but I figured she might not answer if she thought I had purposefully gotten rid of Risty May. "I was myself the last time I was awake."

"What happened?" Zoe asked.

"Nothing special, I don't think. I had gotten a headache, but I get those all the time."

"Any sense of disconnection, or any feeling of leaving your body?"

I shook my head.

"Edward, this is way serious," Zoe said. "Risty May might have ceased to exist or something, and you're in her place. You don't know how this happened, and I sure as heck don't. We've gotta figure out what to do."

"_I _could've told you that," I snorted.

She smiled. "You've gotta be Edward. Risty May's not all snippety like you."

"I'm not snippety!" I protested hotly.

"So-ree. Jeez, you act like I called you short or-"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO TINY THAT HE CAN HANG HIMSELF WITH A STRAND OF HAIR _HUH_?"

Zoe blinked, then burst into laughter. "Oh-my-gosh!" she exclaimed, gasping out the words between laughs. "I-I don't know how-I ever thought you planned that!"

I glared at her until she finally settled down. "Okay, okay," she said. "Obviously you can't go to school, but Risty May's mom won't like seeing her daughter skipped."

"So, what then?" I asked.

Zoe considered, looking up the ceiling, then grinned. "How well can you act?"

* * *

**Later...**

I heard the door slam in the front of the house. Zoe jumped and pulled the thermometer off of the lamp, sticking it in my mouth. "Lower your lids!" she hissed as she left my room.

_This is stupid,_ I thought as I obediently lowered my eyelids to half-mast. Playing sick was not something I did very often, because I appreciated the times I was well enough to accomplish things. But Zoe insisted that I had to in order to keep Risty May from getting in trouble with her mother.

I heard Zoe talking to Risty May's mom, and their voices were getting closer, so I quickly pulled the covers up to my chin. Zoe was talking. "_...didn't want to leave her by herself while she felt so bad_."

"_What are her symptoms?_" the woman asked.

"_Oh, high temperature, sweating, sore throat,_" Zoe replied.

At that point they opened the door. I was thinking of how easily this plan would fail. After all, as Zoe told me, Risty May's mom had studied to be a nurse. To fool her would take someone who could act very convincingly sick. And that someone was not me.

The woman in the red dress was back. "Oh, honey, how are you feeling?" she asked, hurrying over. "Zoe told me all about it. You seemed physically fine this morning."

That seemed like a weird thing to say. I gave a little cough. "She seemed out of it when I saw her, Mrs. F," Zoe said, which was pretty much true.

"Now that you mention it, Zoe, Risty May did seem a little unusual this morning," Mrs. Fernandez said, feeling my forehead. "I wish you had called me. Book club isn't that important. I'll make you some chicken soup."

The woman exited the room, and Zoe gave me a thumbs up before following. I let out a sigh, then realized I would have to play sick a while longer, so as not raise suspicion.

Great.

* * *

Zilo: And so the plot unfolds!  
Ed: Whatever.  
Roy: What he said.  
Zilo/Risty: YOU GUYS ARE MEAN!  
Ed: Well, we wouldn't be if you hadn't dragged us here!  
Risty: (sniffs and unleashes puppy dog eyes)  
Roy: Ohh...so...cute...  
Ed: GAH! (shields eyes) Why don't you people do us a favor and not come back?  
Zilo: Don't say such things to my readers!


	3. Playing The Duck

Zilo: Hey, everyone! **Suuki-Aldrea, Harryswoman, **thank you! Don't worry, **amberdark, **I won't. Promise. **Colonel Bastard, lana-rinreed, **the below note is for you! (and anyone else who cared). And **Maire Blaze**, you guessed VERY luckily. Have you ever considered the Lotto? (turns to Roy and smacks him)  
Roy: HEY!  
Zilo: (shrugs) I can't resist a request.  
Roy: (grumbles)  
Ed: (attempting to ignore)  
Zilo: Since I'm being given the silent treatment, I brought someone to keep me company!  
Riza: That's not exactly in my job description...  
Zilo: Nonsense! Us girls have to stick together!  
Risty: Here's Chapter Three, everyone!

* * *

**THREE: Playing The Duck  
AKA "Don't Cry Or Say Impossible"**

* * *

Risty May's P.O.V.

* * *

I stuck my arms through the sleeves of the red coat and shrugged it on, watching myself in the mirror as I did so. Edward Elric looked back at me, mirroring my movements and anxious expression.

For the seven millionth time in twenty minutes, I flexed my automail, then reached out and touched my "reflection." I just couldn't believe what I was seeing. How did I become Edward Elric? I knew that my whole body hadn't somehow crammed itself into Edward's, so while my spirit, or whatever, was here, where was my body?

And where was Edward Elric himself while I was playing the part of alien hijacker?

I absently pulled my now shorter, blond hair into its usual braid, wrapping the tie around the ends, then put on the gloves. I was done. With a heavy sigh, I walked out of the bathroom and prepared to leave.

A sudden attack of nerves locked my knees together. What was I going to do? I couldn't stay Edward Elric forever; I had to find a way to become Risty May Fernandez again. But in the meanwhile, would I have to pretend to be Edward Elric? _Could_ I? I was nothing like him. What if I slipped up and acted like my usual shy, non-swearing, easy-to-cry self, and everyone thought it was Edward? I'd screw up his reputation for good.

That did it. I wasn't leaving the hospital room.

But...if I stayed here, I might never find a way to get back home. I had to be brave, for my sake and Edward's. If we were both going to get back to where we belonged, it would be up to me to face the cast of Full Metal Alchemist, and-

Another attack of nerves completely immobilized me. _I just realized! Edward's a total alchemy whiz, and I'm, well, not! I don't even know how to draw a circle! _And _he's an amazing fighter! I'm so not! What will I _do?

There was a knock on the door. "Brother?" Alphonse called from the other side. "Are you ready to go?"

I can't do this! I can't!

I've got to. I have no choice.

They'll see right through me!

I'll never get home.

My insides were in a major war, and I was on the verge of tears. I took a deep breath, and slapped myself with my left hand. I had to get a hold of my emotions, or I'd never be able to do this. I steeled myself and opened the door. "Uh, ready to go...Al," I said.

"Colonel Mustang just called."

My borrowed stomach dropped to Edward's shoes.

"What does he want?" I asked nervously.

"He wants to talk to you about the report," Alphonse said. He saw the look on my face and added, "I don't think he'll mention the, uh, incident though."

I nodded, as if I knew exactly what he was talking about. Another attack of the nerves attempted to lock my knees up again, when I realized I didn't have the first clue how to get anywhere, but I refused to obey. "Um, my legs...I mean, leg...uh, I'm tired," I said. "Wanna carry me?"

Alphonse looked surprised. (I am still amazed at how he conveys all these emotions as a suit of armor) "You want a ride?" he said in utter shock.

"Please?" I tried.

"Well of course, but you usually don't like me carrying you around."

I pointed to the fading spot on my head. "Maybe I'm delirious from my fall," I said in a mysterious voice.

There was silence. Then Alphonse laughed and turned around, getting down. I happily scrambled up on his back, planting my rear in the makeshift seat his hands made. It took some doing, but I managed to peer over his right shoulder, determined to memorize the way to get places.

* * *

When we got to Colonel Mustang's office, I got down and straightened my clothes, then knocked on the door. _"Come in," _the familiar voice floated through the door. I turned the knob and opened the door, having to force myself to walk in instead of peeking around the door like I normally do.

Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye were in their usual positions. They looked up when I came in. "Full Metal," Roy said, sitting up from where he had been slumped over paperwork. "Since when do you knock?"

"He's delirious from hitting his head on the sink," Alphonse volunteered before closing the door behind me.

I would have to get used to being referred to as a he.

"Uh-huh," Roy said in one of those "whatever" tones. "Have you finished your report?"

Edward must have just come back from a trip to track down the Philosopher's Stone. But I had no idea where he and Al had gone, and I didn't have any report in my hands. I swallowed. "Um, can you rephrase the question?" I stalled.

Roy looked irritated. "Let me guess. You don't have it."

"No?" I squeaked.

"Full Metal, I am beyond tired of your procrastination. I give you free license to run around searching for leads on the Philosopher's Stone, and all I ask is that you tell me in writing what you do or don't find. Is that so difficult for your tiny mind?"

"U-Uh, no?" I hate being reprimanded.

"Then why is it you continue to come into this office with excuses as to why there's no report in your hands?" Roy demanded.

I could feel tears stinging, and if I broke down right now, I didn't know what might happen. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I swear!" I exclaimed. I whirled and threw open the door, running out before the tears could spill. I opened the first door I found, which happened to be a closet, and dived in, slamming the door behind me. Only then did I let my tears break, which were now there for more than one reason.

_Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! How could I do that? Running out of the room and screaming apologies in a breaking voice is as bad as crying in front of them, if not worse! What was I thinking?_ I crouched down on the floor, holding my tear-streaked face between my knees and clutching my head in my hands.

I can NOT do this. There's no way. I can't be Edward; I'm not strong enough!

I felt more tears flowing. _Zoe, I wish you were here. You'd know just what to say and do._

Okay, so I'm a little dramatic too. It's not, like, a crime or something. Leave me be.

I'm not sure how long I stayed there, rocking back and forth in that same position, until I realized that someone was knocking on the door. _"Brother? Are you okay?" _It was Al.

"_Edward?"_ That was Riza. Great, just peachy. Here I was, huddled in a ball and crying. I was being so lame. Edward Elric was nothing like this. He was tough, strong, and he swore like a sailor.

"There was something in my eyes!" I yelled from the ground, as if that explained away the whole thing.

The knob jiggled. _"Brother, can you unlock the door?" _Al said, sounding all polite as usual.

"And I'm still delirious from banging my head on the sink!" I added, as if I were making it better.

"Okay. What about the door?"

"And I'm not really sorry after all!" I was repeatedly inserting my foot in my mouth.

A moment's silence. _"Okay, Brother, now will you unlock the door?_"

I uncurled and stood, furiously wiping tears away. I rubbed my eyes until I was sure I had gotten them all, then somehow steeled my face into a scowl. I unlocked the door that I hadn't realized I had locked and pulled it open.

Alphonse and Riza were waiting for me. "Is everything all right?" Riza asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Are you sure? You looked kind of upset..." Alphonse said.

"Uh, yep." I nodded vigorously. "I'm, uh, going to go back to my room and work on that report so we don't have one of these conversations again. Come on Al. In fact, lead the way so I can...make mental notes."

Riza and Alphonse exchanged glances.

* * *

(Edward's P.O.V.)

* * *

Zoe came back ten minutes later with a bowl of soup. "I convinced your mom that I could look after you while she went grocery shopping," she said as she put the soup on the night table next to Risty May's bed.

I immediately sat up and pulled the damp cloth off my head. "How long am I going to have to keep this up?" I demanded, barely getting used to hearing my words in an unfamiliar girl's voice.

"Well, probably only a couple more days," Zoe said, scratching her head. "Fortunately, today was the last day of school until spring break, so at least we won't have to worry about that."

I sighed, barely knowing what she was talking about. "So, now that I'm on the other side of the Gate," I said, mostly to myself, "what does that mean for my alchemy?"

"Uh, it means none, actually."

My head snapped up and I stared at Zoe. "None?" I repeated dumbly.

Zoe shook her head. "You see, on this side, alchemy doesn't exist anymore. It died out in, like, the 1600s or something, and it didn't really work even when people used it, or tried to use it."

"That's impossible!" I exclaimed. "How the hell have you made any advances without alchemy?"

"We've made plenty, actually," Zoe replied hotly, sounding a little put off. "A lot more than you know about, too." Then she sighed, and the irritation seemed to leak out of her. "I just can't get mad at my Risty May," she said, "even if she _is _just Edward Elric right now."

"Which brings up another point," I said. "If I'm really on the other side of the Gate, and alchemy is dead here, how do you know about me at all?"

Zoe looked down innocently at her lap. "We've all got secrets, right?" she said.

"Not when they involve me!" I replied.

"Edward, I wish I could tell you, seriously, I do."

I glared at her.

"Um...well, let's just say you're kind of famous over here. A lot of people know your story. And, er, this really nice Japanese lady made a whole series of manga about your life. Then these really nice Americans turned it into a TV show. I think it was the Americans. It might've been them and more Japanese people...I'll have to check the credits next time I watch. Anyway, that's how everyone knows. They watch the show, read the manga-but the manga's a lot different from the show. Uh..."

I stared at her.

"Yeah, I'll just stop there. Can we just focus on finding a way to get Risty May back and you back where you belong?"

I sighed. "Fine. But I want answers. Answers that I can _understand_."

"Okay, okay," Zoe said. "Mrs. F said she'd be back in an hour, so I guess now's the time to try and figure out where Risty May is, and how you jacked her body."

"And where _my _body is," I said suddenly.

Zoe looked up at me. "Yeah..." Her green eyes lit up. "Hey! I just had a thought!" She paused, I suppose for dramatic effect, but it only irritated me.

"Well?"

"Since you're in Risty May's body, that means your body is missing your spirit, right?"

I shrugged. "I guess. So?"

"And Risty May's spirit is missing a body. So maybe...she crossed the Gate and took over your body, like you did with hers!"

"_What_?" I exclaimed incredulously.

"Well, it's no crazier than what's going on right now, is it?" Zoe asked me with a perfectly straight face.

I suddenly realized that it may not have taken much for Zoe to believe me because it seemed she would readily believe anything out of the ordinary. I was beginning to ponder Zoe's mental stability when she stood, straightening the skirt of her denim minidress.

"Come on," Zoe said. "It might be a long shot, but maybe Risty May had a hand in this, or something. And maybe she wrote about it in her journal. Let's go to the computer room."

I sighed and threw back the covers. "What the hell's a 'computer'?" I asked irritably as I swung my feet to the floor.

"I'll show you," Zoe said as she led me out of the room and down the hall. "If I try to just tell you, you won't get it."

When she showed me, I still didn't get it. Zoe tried to help me understand as she powered up the "computer" but I was more than lost. It was interesting looking, though, and I had the idea that Winry would love to take one of them apart if she ever got her hands on one. I resolved to try and understand it myself, since Zoe seemed to have a problem explaining things in an understandable fashion.

"Okay, let's see here," Zoe said as she somehow caused a page full of items to appear on the screen in front of us. "See this thing here?" Her finger poked the screen where a miniature image of a sundial was displayed. "We call this an icon, and this particular one will pull up all the stuff Risty May's looked at the past few weeks," she said. "I don't know if we'll actually find anything, but it's worth a shot, right?"

I shrugged, as if I had a clue what was going on. Zoe did a lot of clicking with the "mouse" as she called it, pulling up words and pictures at a rapid-fire pace that almost made me dizzy. I had no idea how she was even taking any of this in.

"Nope...nope...hmm...nope...ew...jeez...nope..." Zoe kept up a running commentary of what I guess she was reading. Then, when I was certain I was about to have a seizure, the flashing abruptly stopped. "This is from Risty May's you-obsessed friend," Zoe commented as she clicked on a line of text that screamed "MISTAMARISTA YOU MUST TRY THIS". Whatever that meant.

Zoe quickly read the lines, and then gasped. I leaned over her shoulder to read. _Are you a hardcore anime fan? Wish that sometimes you could join your favorite characters in their awesome adventures? Your wish is about to come true! Simply wish three-_

The screen switched.

"Hey! I was reading that!" I exclaimed.

"Sorry," Zoe said, "but I think I'm on to something. Let's see here..." She pulled up a list that looked like titles. Almost all of them trailed off with ellipses at the end, and all of them were dated. Zoe blinked several times, then switched back to the other screen. She rolled the page to the top, and then gasped again.

"What?" I demanded, tired of not knowing what was going on.

Zoe rested the side of her head on her palm, turned slightly to face me. She seemed to be analyzing me, and I scowled back.

"Well," she finally said, "I always said nothing's impossible. Mr. Elric, I think I may have figured out just how you got here, and now I'm almost certain that Risty May is now in your body."

"Tell me how you know," I demanded.

Zoe nodded. "Okay. Sit down on the couch. It's time for an explanation, long-winded style."

* * *

Risty: Well, that was fun!  
Roy: ...But you had nothing to do with it.  
Risty: Ah, you wound me.  
Ed: Can we PLEASE end this A/N so I can have some form of relief?  
Zilo: Yeah, yeah. See you guys!  
Riza: Have a good day.


	4. A Biexilde Chimera Dilemma

Riza: Hello, everyone.  
Zilo: I'm so glad you all could make it out!  
Havoc: I'm getting paid for this, right?  
Zilo: Shut up and make me look awesome!  
Havoc: Ah, jeez. (holds up sign that says 'She is Awsum' and points to Zilo)  
Ed/Roy/Risty: (sigh)  
Zilo: Thank you! **tomato sauce, lana-rineed, Suuki-Aldrea**,thanks so much! I know what you mean, **Onna-san**, but consider Edward's enemies! Fear the moodswings, they always say! I platonically love you too, **amberdark**. **Colonel Bastard,** you make a good point! Good thing he wasn't there! Thanks for telling me. I did know, but Zoe unfortunately doesn't seem to. Oh, and I will! (breaks for coffee)  
Others: ...  
Zilo: **DragonGirl**, thanks, and I did read yours. Very interesting! You're welcome, **Maire blaze**, and he'll get over it. I hope I did a good job portraying Ed's reaction to a computer. And you know, you're right. We better stick to good old working. And **chidori-no-kage**, thanks for both reviews! Let's hope Risty can fix this little dilemma. (breaks for more coffee)  
Others: ...  
Zilo: **Koinu-chan**, thank you for all three reviews! I'm so glad you liked it so much your mom asked what you were laughing at. And yes, don't listen to Ed, keep reading! And finally, yay! I'm so glad you can relate! Honestly, if I were in Zoe's position, I'd probably believe it, and as Risty I wouldn't be crying, but I might be saying all kinds of random stuff to get reactions. Thank you for reading! (BTW, I think the archer guy's name is Uryu)  
Others: ...  
Zilo: And _now_, we chapterize!

* * *

**FOUR: ****A Biexilde Chimera Dilemma**  
**AKA "Don't Tell Lies"**

* * *

Risty May's P.O.V.

* * *

Back in the Elric dorm thing...

Okay, so I was in a bit of a pickle.

"Hey Al," I said nervously, "let's say, hypothetically, I completely forgot where we just went. Could you tell me?"

"Huh?" Al looked down at me. "Uh, I guess, but why?"

"It's a trust exercise?" I tried.

Alphonse looked confused. And yes, you know what's coming. All together now..."as confused as a suit of armor can look, anyway." But he complied. "We just went to Abaros Town," he said.

"Ah, yes, yes," I said, underhandedly writing it down. I was so grateful to be left-handed at that point. "And, er, what did we do there, if I forgot, hypothetically?"

Alphonse looked at me for a second, and I pretended I wasn't about to write down every single thing he said. Instead, I smiled brightly.

"Um...well," Alphonse began slowly, and as he recollected I happily wrote it all down, punctuated with Ed-like remarks. (As I look back now, I marvel at my ability to listen and write things down without really knowing what I was hearing and writing) It was only when I was finished that Alphonse began to suspect me.

"Brother...you've been writing this down, haven't you?"

I laughed nervously. "No, of course not! Where would you get an idea like that?"

"Brother!"

Al got up and rushed me, for what I'm not sure. Maybe to shake an answer out of me, but whatever it was, I immediately dived over the couch I was sitting on. I was surprised at how much easier it was now, but I didn't stop to marvel and busted open the door, making a break for it down the hall. I glanced over my shoulder and saw Alphonse in hot pursuit. "Brother! Come back!" he yelled, sounding a little pissed.

"What're you gonna do?" I cried fearfully.

"Nothing!" he assured me.

"Then why are you chasing me?" I screamed.

"If you stop, I'll tell you!"

I kept running, and then started to laugh, because I realized that Ed and Al had had a similar conversation in Episode 1, only with the roles reversed. I laughed hysterically as I ran down the hall, thinking also of chase scenes between myself and Zoe. Several innocent officers stared at us as we blew past.

For the first time since I had woken up in Edward's body, I was having fun. Behind me, I could hear Alphonse trying not to laugh, and failing. I waved my freshly written report in the air as, laughing my head off, I led the way back to the colonel's office.

When I got to the door, I stopped, breathing just a little hard. I was surprised-after the distance I had just run, and especially at the speed, I would have expected to be gasping for breath. Even the automail didn't seem to weigh me down too much. Then suddenly a thought slammed down on the top of my head-maybe it was because I was using Edward's speed and adrenaline and stamina!

Ooh.

Insert malicious grin and evil drumming together of fingertips here.

I waited until I regained my breath, which didn't take long at all, and knocked. By that time, Alphonse had caught up. _"Come in," _Roy said from the other side of the door. I pushed open the door, and saw him look up again. Before he could say a word a planted a grin on my face. "Hi, Colonel Jerkwad!" It was the closest I could come to a swear word at the moment.

"Do you have a report this time, Full Metal?" Roy asked, as if the previous episode had never happened. I appreciated that.

"Yeah, here you go." I slapped my papers down on his desk. "Don't bug me for a few days, either." It sounds Ed-like.

"I could have sworn that _I _was the one who gave orders around here," Roy said dryly.

I felt relief. I was starting to get into it. I could do this. I could play Edward Elric.

"Besides," Roy said with a smirk, "I need you alert, in case anything comes up on _short _notice."

Dead silence. _Oh, fudgenuts._ I had absolutely no short rants stored up in my head, and I couldn't even remember any other ways Ed dealt with obvious short cracks. So I was forced to improvise. "Um..." I took a deep breath, then let it out, then sucked it back in, then let it out.

Roy raised an eyebrow, like I was from Mars. Or, the Amestrian equivalent to Mars, what-_ever_. The more time passed, the more I was not acting like Edward. Then suddenly I was struck with inspiration and started, like I had just been poked. "Whoah! Would you look at that! I completely and totally spaced out and didn't hear a _word_ you just said! Hahahahahaha!"

"...Right," Roy said in an incredulous tone. "Perhaps your fall gave you more brain damage than we thought. Maybe you should stay in the hospital a little-"

"Nonononono! I'm fine! Fine!" I said hastily, waving my hands. If there's one thing I have in common with Edward, besides height, it's our mutual dislike of needles and hospitalization. Okay, that's two things. But you get it.

"Really, Full Metal," Roy went on, leaning back, "I don't think-"

"I am one hundred percent up to par!" I declared, sticking my automail finger in the air.

"However-"

"Absolutely fine! No need to put me back in the hospital at all! Assign me something and I'll prove it!"

Roy smirked. "All right then, I've got a new assignment for you."

Cornstarch. I had fallen into a trap. My finger dropped.

"There's been some domestic disturbances in Biexilde," Roy said, reading off a page that was suddenly in his hand. "Nothing too serious, just vandalism, food items stolen, a minimal amount of injuries, things of that nature. It appears to be linked to the breakout of several chimeras from a military lab a few miles outside of the town. You can handle the investigation, right?"

The way he said it made it sound like I would be shot on the spot if I said no. "Of course I can," I said, trying to sound all confident like Ed.

"Good," Roy said, tossing an envelope at me, "because these are your train tickets. You leave tomorrow morning."

I blinked and caught them, then looked back up at the colonel. "Hey! You had this planned from the beginning, you ba-you ba-baaaa..." I was attempting to say "bastard", as it seemed like the moment for it, but really, I was having a hard time. I'm just not a very sweary person.

"Ba-ba-bag of wind!" I stomped out, mad that I couldn't work up the gumption to cuss him out like Edward. Alphonse followed me, and at the last minute I thought to slam the door, figuring that was Ed-ish too.

* * *

So that was how Alphonse and I came to be on a train to Biexilde, which sounded like something you take pills for and try not to give to your friends. I tried not to fidget in my seat, telling myself over and over that the citizens of Biexilde had never met the Full Metal Alchemist, so they probably wouldn't notice if he was a little off.

"Brother?"

I looked up at Al, who sat across from me in our booth. "Are you worried?"

"No, of course not!" I said hastily, figuring the word "worry" wasn't allowed a place in Edward's dictionary. "I'm just thinking. Hard."

"Okay," Alphonse said. "It's just...I don't know..."

I swallowed, trying not to look nervous. Was he onto me?

"You seem different. That's all," Alphonse said.

I smiled, hoping I didn't look like a scared wreck. "Well, I can't be exactly the same every day, right? I'm fine, Al. Promise." As soon as I said it, I felt guilty. I was lying to Alphonse, and making promises about it. I felt bad, but then I made up my mind that as soon as I cleared up this Biexilde chimera thing, I would devote myself to finding a way to put Edward back in his body and put myself in my own body.

_But...wait...if I'm not in my body...and Edward's not in his... _My brows scrunched as I stared unseeingly out the window._ Maybe my body and Edward's...spirit, essence, whatever, are in the Gate, waiting for me to fix the problem. But that doesn't make sense. Why would I go through The Gate? All I did was send that stupid chain letter, which must be what got me in this mess._

I sat up._ Wait a sec! One part of that stupid thing said if I didn't send it in ten minutes, it'd backfire. I made the wish a little after eight, and then Mom called me for dinner and I didn't send it. I started getting the headache during dinner, and when I finally sent the letter hours later, that was when I got all dizzy. Maybe, if I had sent it in ten minutes, I would've just been sent to Amestris, but since it took me hours, maybe THAT'S how it backfired!_

_But then why would it displace Edward? Why couldn't he just hang out in here with me, like those dudes from YGO? Hmm...maybe there's something about it I can look up. I doubt it, but I mean, maybe someone had this problem before and wrote about it. But then they might not necessarily have picked FMA as their favorite anime. Darn it! I'm back to square one._

"Brother?"

I looked back up at Al, and realized that the train was slowing down. While I had been mulling over my dilemma, we had arrived in Biexilde. I pasted a smile on my face as the train rolled to a stop, and some guy with an awesome set of pipes screamed about us being in Biexilde. "Ready to go, Al?"

Alphonse nodded.

* * *

Biexilde reminded me of a slightly-lower-grade-Liore, only without the being surrounded by desert, and the fake psycho prophet guy, and all. It wasn't huge like Liore, but it wasn't tiny. Off in the distance, I could see a small building that must have been the lab Roy mentioned.

My grip on my suitcase handle tightened. Now I had to switch into "Edward Elric, Hero of the People" mode. "Well, let's see," I said, looking around. There was a small crowd at the outdoor train station, and it was hard to see over people's heads. Not like that's anything new, though. "Our first order of business is to find someplace we can stay the night, since this'll probably take a while. Then we'll start asking questions about the attacks."

"Okay," Alphonse said, nodding.

It was weird having to take charge. Since I'm an only child, I don't have any siblings to boss around, and Zoe is more than happy to make me follow her commands. This being in charge thing would take some getting used to. _But I don't WANT to get used to it. I want to make it home before I get the chance to, _I thought, shaking my head.

I picked a random woman and tugged her sleeve. "Excuse me, where's the nearest inn?"

"Straight forward. It's got the picture of a bed on its sign," the woman said, frowning. "But I don't see why you'd want to stay the night here. Biexilde's been under attack by some mischievous hooligans lately."

"We know," I said. "I'm here to investigate said, uh, hooligans."

The woman blinked at me. "You're...with the _military_?"

It seemed that every single conversation going on in the train station screeched to a halt, as if she'd just said the worst four-letter word in the book. I suddenly remembered how the term "military dog" wasn't one of endearment and total love.

Now we were being stared at. My face burned red, and I inched behind the safety of Alphonse's arm. "Hey, I'm only here to help," I said weakly to the now-gaping woman.

"Hold on," a new voice said. Alphonse and I looked to our right to see a girl with very long brown hair in a braid and pale green eyes stepping out of the crowd and into the clearing we were in. She wore a sky blue dress with a white stripe across the hem and man's boots. "I think I recognize him."

I blinked. It was funny, but this girl reminded me so much of Zoe. In fact, if her voice weren't so high and her hair so long and not platinum blond, she almost _could _pass for Zoe. "I'm sure of it," the girl was saying. "It's the Full Metal Alchemist!" A couple of "Oooh!"s rose from the crowd as she pointed...

...At Alphonse. Darn, that hurts. I better understand now how Edward feels.

"Uh, no, not me," Alphonse said in an embarrassed tone, waving his hands.

"Me!" I announced hotly, as if offended, as I pushed him aside and glared.

The girl gave me a searching look. "You? Hmm...but you're really small to be-"

I had anticipated this on the way, and fortunately I was prepared. I took a deep breath, and then screamed, " TIEHISSHOESHUH?" Not the best short rant, but it would have to do. I pretended to lunge for her, and as I expected, Alphonse grabbed me around the waist to stop me. "Brother, don't! You can't hit a girl!"

How laughable. I almost wanted to cry and laugh at the same time, because I could tell by the tone of his voice that I had put Alphonse's fears to rest.

"Um, could you possibly show us to the inn?" Alphonse said politely to the girl as I continued to flail my limbs. I was starting to wear myself out, so I figured it was all right to stop.

Zoe's look-alike seemed to be trying to hold in her laughter. "Sure, I'll show you," she said, motioning for the crowd to move aside so we could get through. Now that I was "calmer," Alphonse put me down and brought up the rear as I followed the girl.

As we followed, I reminded myself that supposedly everyone has a double on the other side of The Gate. But that wouldn't make sense, since The Gate isn't really real, right? Still, I was curious and found myself asking, "What's your name, anyway?"

The girl glanced back at me and smiled. "I'm Zena," she said. "And I know who you are, but I'm afraid I forgot your name."

"Oh, I'm R-Edward Elric," I said, hastily correcting myself. I mentally punched myself in the face. I had almost said "Risty May". I _had _to be careful. "And this is my younger brother, Alphonse." I pointed at Al with my thumb.

Zena's brows raised. "Really? You're the older brother? But he's so much-"

"DON'T START," I growled, not having a second short rant stored up.

* * *

After paying for a room for the night, Al and I started our investigation. I brought along a notebook and a pencil to write down people's testimonies. I figured it would be simple. Ask around about who had had stuff destroyed, or been injured, then ask them a few simple questions. When did it happen? Did you see who it was? Was anyone else around?

A lot of people had suffered property damage. It was always at night, starting about two weeks ago with at least one incident every other night, and usually with the vandalism, no one was around to see it. The people who had gotten hurt never had more than sprained stuff and deep gashes, and they had been out alone at night. The general statement was that they were attacked by "a fast-moving dark blur."

"That really doesn't help," I sighed as I consulted my notes six hours later. I was already quite tired of running around getting statements. "These chimeras must be super-smart if they're able to hide out all day and then beat stuff up at night without getting caught."

"It's strange how they broke out of the lab, but they stay here in the city," Alphonse pointed out, walking alongside me down the street.

"Maybe they're looking for something," I mused. "Ah, well. Next stop is the lab, I guess. Ugh, but I've been walking all day. I'm tired."

Alphonse glanced down at me. "You are?"

"Well, yeah," I grumbled, slipping in my performance for a moment. "We've been walking around for six hours. And it's hot out here." I shifted uncomfortably in my three layers of clothing. _How does Ed do it? _"Plus, my automail's all heated up."

"...Do you want to take a break?" Alphonse asked.

My brows scrunched. Was it me, or did Alphonse sound just a little bit...relieved? Excited? Happy? I wasn't sure. "Um..." I said as I considered. Then I remembered who I was supposed to be. "No, actually, I'm perfectly fine now. I just needed to, uh, vent. Come on, let's get going!" I started along at a less draggy pace. "The lab's only three miles out of town, right? No sweat!"

Now a few steps behind me, Alphonse sighed. "Okay, Brother," he said, following.

* * *

**Later...**

I refused to slow down. If I kept walking at this pace, then I could more easily block out the pain, heat, exhaustion, and general sluggishness that was trying to take over me. I rather violently swung my briefcase at my side, keeping my eyes focused on the road ahead of me. I had already banged it into Alphonse three times, so he walked at a safe distance behind me.

If my sense of time and distance was right, we had only about another half a mile to the lab. Already I could see the shapeless and ugly building coming into view. I was pathetically glad that I liked walking, otherwise I might not have made it three miles after wandering around town all day. At least the sun was starting to go down, so the heat wasn't as bad.

"Brother, you're leaning!"

"Eh?" I realized that I had been leaning exaggeratedly to the left to even out the weight of the briefcase on my right. "Oh, whoops," I laughed, slowing down to straighten up.

Big mistake. In less than two seconds I was facedown on the ground.

"Brother!" Alphonse cried. I felt the ground shake with each of his heavy footsteps as he hurried to my side and flipped me over. "Are you okay?"

My face was now dirty, and I realized how sore and tired I was. "Wanna take a break?" I said sheepishly.

Alphonse pretty much dragged me over to the shade of a tree, where he materialized a canteen out of nowhere and handed it to me. "You shouldn't push yourself so hard, Brother," he scolded in his polite way. "It's not good for you. You ought to pace yourself better."

I emptied the canteen and looked down at it as I held it in my hands. "You're right," I conceded, and then I suddenly had to fight tears, because it sounded like something my mom would say. I rubbed my left hand over my face, in the pretense of rubbing off the dirt.

"I know you don't like it when I bug you about it, but I just want you to take care of yourself," Al went on. "When you hide whether or not you feel well, it's hard for me to be able to help you. If you lie about having a fever, I can't check your forehead to see if you're hot. If you're cold, I can't touch your arm and feel any goosebumps or shivering. You don't have to act like you're invincible, Brother. It's okay to feel bad sometimes, and it's okay to let me know. All right?"

I stared guiltily at the canteen in my hands. Alphonse should be having this conversation with Edward, not me. This was a heart-to-heart moment between brothers, not a boy and a girl in the body of his brother. I felt really, really guilty. Alphonse assumed he was voicing his concerns to his tough older brother. I was the one deceiving him. Honestly, what had I been thinking? There was no reason to pretend. Alphonse had been able to sense something off about me the moment I woke up in Edward's body. Surely if I had told him the truth, he could have believed me. He could probably even help me solve the problem. It made me think how upset I would be if someone was in my body and fooling my parents and Zoe into thinking it was really me. Ed would probably be pissed at me, if he knew what was going on.

"Al," I said quietly. "...Alphonse, there's...something I want to tell you."

Alphonse looked over at me. I opened my mouth, ready to spill out everything and beg for his forgiveness for lying to him, when a dull _BOOM _rumbled the earth. We both jumped up and stared ahead. A large cloud of dust was enveloping one side of the lab.

"What the heck?" I exclaimed.

"It sounded like a wall was knocked down!" Alphonse seconded.

"We better check it out," I said gravely, already starting down the road at a faster pace. Alphonse hurried along with me.

* * *

We made it to the lab in record time. The cloud of dust had settled a bit, and from the front of the dull building, I couldn't see any damage. "What do you think happened?" Al asked me as we looked up at the tall, square lab.

"I dunno," I said. "But there's one way to find out." I stepped up to the steel double doors. The handles were held together with a chain which had a padlock on it.

Alphonse came to stand beside me. "It's locked?" he said in surprise.

I narrowed my eyes at the door. Then I remembered the automail. Grinning, I pulled the glove off my right hand, and then reached out and wrapped my automail fingers around the lock. I put all my effort into squeezing the lock, and was rewarded a few moments later with the sound of steel cracking. I opened my hand, and the lock fell away in pieces, along with a few links of the chain. I dusted my hand off and put my glove back on.

"Ready?" I said to Alphonse, taking a handle in each hand.

Alphonse nodded, and I pulled open the doors. They creaked loudly, but gave way. A musty smell hit me in the face, and I wrinkled my nose. "Ew. It smells like some dust died in here."

"Dust can die?" Alphonse said in confusion.

"Uh...I guess not, but that's sure what it smells like."

We stepped inside. The only light was from the sinking sun behind us, and it cast an orange square into the place. We appeared to be in some sort of lobby. There was a reception desk, a couple of overturned chairs, and what looked like the dusty remains of a radio pushed into the corner. The carpet we stood on was threadbare, and whatever color it had been, the dust had turned it into an ugly gray-pink. "It looks like this place has been deserted for _years_," I commented.

"I wonder what made that cloud of dust," Alphonse wondered.

I shrugged and walked farther inside. Directly across from us was what looked like the dim outline of a hallway. "Come on," I said, moving out of the square of light. When I took my first step into the hallway, wooden floorboards creaked under my feet, the groaning noise audible even through the carpet.

"That sounds hollow," Alphonse said, following me.

I raised my right foot and stomped a little on the spot. "You're right," I said. I deliberately stomped forward, listening, trying to figure out how far along the hollowness went. "Maybe there's a basement. It sounds like-"

As I spoke, I kept stomping forward. I cut off when I stomped down on a floorboard that gave way. The wood and carpet fell out from under me in a puff of dust, and I cried out as I plunged down into the trapdoor. I heard Alphonse yell, "Brother!" but his voice quickly faded as I dived down into darkness, screaming all the way.

Suddenly I landed. My automail foot hit first, then bent, and I tumbled the rest of myself onto the hard surface. It was slanted, and I felt myself sliding down headfirst. I put my hands out to catch myself, and all too soon they hit what felt like concrete. I flipped over and managed to catch myself from completely slamming down onto what I guessed was the ground.

I lay still for a moment, trying to figure out if I had hurt anything. I didn't _feel _like I had, so I cautiously sat up. Nothing throbbed in protest, so I got to my knees, and then my feet. I was okay. Good.

Unfortunately, it was still pitch black, and I had nothing with me to make any light. I cautiously stepped forward, my hands out to keep anything from surprising me. I took another step, then another, my feet echoing on the floor. My automail hand banged into something metal, and suddenly it wasn't so quiet.

I heard a spine-chilling snarl, and then was yanked to the right. I realized something must have a hold on my automail, the same something that was now growling angrily. As if on cue, growls and snarls rose all around the room, and I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise. I wasn't alone after all.

"Ugh, let go!" I said, struggling to free my automail. My right shoulder was shaken back and forth, and I finally snatched with all my might and managed to tear free, hearing my sleeve rip. The closest snarls changed to a whimper, and then silence, but the others went on.

I ran my fingers along my automail and felt a couple faint indents that I guessed were teeth marks. I heard a rattling to my left and whirled, but it sounded as though whatever it was couldn't get at me. "These must be all the chimeras..." I realized aloud. "If I could just find a light, I could see them all. There's gotta be a switch in here somewhere!"

"Why don't I help you?" a smooth voice said.

I tensed, and then a lightbulb over my head clicked on. I looked around, seeing that I was surrounded by cages, which were indeed full of chimeras. The one nearest me had its shaggy head bowed, and it looked like blood was pooling under its mouth. I felt guilty, realizing I must have hurt it when I snatched my arm free.

But that wasn't my problem now. What _was _the problem was the owner of the voice I had just heard. I would know that voice anywhere, and usually I got excited when I heard it. But given my present problem, all the voice did was send a chill up my spine. Especially when I turned around and finally laid eyes on the owner of the voice, perched casually on top of one of the tallest cages, head inclined in my direction.

"Hello, Full Metal Pipsqueak," Envy said, smiling smugly.

* * *

Risty: Oh, I hope I'm not about to die!  
Zilo: Uh...'course not! (laughs nervously)  
Havoc: (now holding a "She is Nutzo" sign and pointing to Zilo)  
Risty: So, you'll all come back, right? Right?  
Havoc: Not if you beg. I mean, come on, that's the last way to get someone to stay.  
Random Lady: Havoc, I'm leaving you for Mustang!  
Havoc: (runs after her) NO, WAIT! STAY! PLEASE, PLEASE!  
All: (sweatdrop)  
Zilo: Yeah. Don't beg. I gotcha.  
**Beware: **Omake Theater below!

* * *

OMAKE THEATHER

"Why don't I help you?" a smooth voice said.

I tensed, and then a lightbulb over my head clicked on. I looked around, seeing that I was surrounded by cages, which were indeed full of chimeras. The one nearest me had its shaggy head bowed, and it looked like blood was pooling under its mouth. I felt guilty, realizing I must have hurt it when I snatched my arm free.

But that wasn't my problem now. What _was _the problem was the owner of the voice I had just heard. I would know that voice anywhere, and usually I got excited when I heard it. But given my present problem, all the voice did was send a chill up my spine. Especially when I turned around and finally laid eyes on the owner of the voice, perched casually on top of one of the tallest cages, head inclined in my direction.

"Hello..."

"!" I screamed, shielding my eyes from the bare skin. "IT BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNS!"

"What do you mean?" Alex Louis Armstrong, voice all smooth from sucking on some Halls Fruit Breezers, flexed in his shirtless way.

"I'M TOO YOUNG FOR A STRIPTEASE!" I screamed.

"BUT FLEXING MY ABNORMALLY BEAUTIFUL MUSCLES IS A TRAIT PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG LINE FOR GENERATIONS!" Armstrong announced smoothly.


	5. Another Bodyswapper

Zilo: **DragonGirl, gemstone, Half Human Homunculi, **thank you so, so much! SHIELD YOUR EYES, **Koinu-chan**! ARMSTRONG ALERT! Haha, but you see, Risty is not that type of smart! She'll ace a history quiz and flunk the practical exam! (And you're right about the 'dun-dun-dun!' moment!) **Maire blaze, **you get to see now!  
Risty: I appreciate your pointing that out, but sometimes my cousin simply scares me! And oh, I've developed a technique for that, but poor Ed might have trouble! I hope he doesn't sneak peeks!  
Zilo: You'll see, **wolfboy**, you'll see. (evil plans hatch) And thanks! (stares, then screams joyfully) My day was just made! **Wandering Hitokiri **added my story to her faves list, and added me to her author list! Yay! (The reason I spaz with glee is because I so love **WH**'s story, What One May Never See. It always makes me so happy when people whose stories I like see my stories and like them)  
Risty: Since Zilo is spazzing so insanely, I'll answer this next one. A 'Thank you very much!' from Zilo to **Onna-san**! I'm glad you like Zoe; she's modeled after my best friend, so I like her too!  
Zilo: I'll take her second one. Yay, omake! I plan to do more. I think Ed does make that up at the moment, what a creative boy! And I'm glad I could entertain you during study hall. What else is that period for?  
Winry: I'm happy for you two, but why am I here?  
Zilo: Because no one but Riza and Risty will keep me company!  
Roy: So this means I don't get to stay? (snaps in mock disappointment)  
(A/N is set on fire)  
Zilo/Ed/Roy/Havoc/Al/Winry: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  
Riza: (elsewhere) Here's the next chapter.  
Risty: (also elsewhere) How could Mustang forget that the A/N is soaked in kerosene every day? Jeez.

**Other Note: **I just realized. There will be definite spoilers in future chapters! Sorry I forgot to tell you.

* * *

**FIVE: Another Bodyswapper**  
**AKA "Don't Get Together And Don't Fall Apart"**

* * *

(Edward's P.O.V.)

* * *

I sat silently, musing over what I had just heard. Zoe sat across from me, kneeling in the desk chair, her arms resting on the back.

"So," I finally said, "you think that somehow the 'chain letter' this psychopath girl sent to Risty May was how we switched bodies?"

Zoe nodded. "I checked the times between when Risty got the chain letter and when she sent it off. It said that you had to send it in ten minutes or it would backfire. She waited a few hours before sending it off. Maybe that's how this happened. Instead of being put in Amestris, she was literally put _in _Full Metal Alchemist."

"That's the craziest thing I've ever heard," I said bluntly, "and it makes no sense. You can't just take over someone's body like that."

Zoe scoffed. "Your head's so wrapped up in science that you're forgetting the ability for unexplainable things to occur," she said.

"Please! _Your _head's so wrapped up in fantasy that you can't see sensibility when it's right in front of your nose!" I shot back.

"Look here, punk!" Zoe said, stabbing a ring-adorned finger in my direction. "Not everything can be figured out by science. Some things are just too out there for humans to get, and I think this is one of them!"

"Well, I think you're a damn nutcase!" I said.

Zoe crossed her arms. "Okay, Mr. High-And-Mighty science man, if science can explain everything, tell me how you landed in Risty's body, and how it's most likely possible she's in yours!"

I opened my mouth to retort, but nothing immediately came to mind. It was scientifically impossible for two people to switch bodies. Yet here I was, in the body of a girl who lived on the other side of The Gate, and in another time, no less. Nothing like this had ever happened before, or at least it hadn't been recorded.

"See?" Zoe said triumphantly when I didn't say anything. "Science can't explain everything. Some things just aren't able to be explained. You have to roll with the punches."

I sighed heavily. "All right, so I don't quite know how this could happen. But I'd much sooner believe that there's a scientific explanation we haven't come across yet than that waiting too late to send some _letter_ did this!"

"Well, we don't have any other leads, so why not, you whiner?" Zoe yelled in a reasonable tone.

"I'm not a damn whiner!" I snapped back.

Zoe uncurled herself from the chair and swung her long legs onto the floor. For the first time I noticed that each of her toenails was a different color, from red to silver to green. It was weird. "Look," she said, running a hand through her nearly white hair, "we shouldn't waste time yelling at each other about how this happened. The point is, you're in Risty's body and Risty's probably in yours, and we don't know if that's got some kind of negative effects on you two or what. We should figure out a way to reverse it as quickly as possible."

I nodded, then couldn't help a smirk. Zoe noticed and scowled. "What? Was that too _smart _a suggestion to come out of a nutcase's mouth like me?" she snapped.

"Something like that," I couldn't help saying.

"Ugh! You're annoying, Edward Elric," Zoe growled, rolling the chair back to the computer. "I remember now why I stopped watching that stupid show. I'm just trying to help and you bite my head off."

My smirk faded, and I sighed. "All right, okay, sorry."

"_Thank _you," Zoe snipped, hitting the keys. "Now. For now, our best bet is to send a message to Psycho Girl and see what she knows about this. After all, she's the one who sent it."

"What are you going to tell her?" I asked, standing up and coming to look over her shoulder. I accidentally mashed my chest rather painfully against the chair and winced. "Everything?"

"Not _everything_," Zoe said, typing as she spoke. "I'll just say something along the lines of 'hey bitch, your wonky chain-letter made my pal Risty switch bodies with Edward Elric. You better tell me what you know or I'll rip your damn arm out and bludgeon you with it.' That's all."

Silence from me. "I think you're mental," I commented.

"Oh, shut up, Ed."

"_Who _is Edward Elric?"

We froze. Zoe's fingers hovered over the keys, stopped in mid-threat. Slowly, we both turned our heads and saw Mrs. Fernandez standing in the doorway of the computer room, two bags in her hands. She was staring at us.

"Who is Edward Elric?" she demanded of us again.

Zoe swallowed. "Uh, hi, Mrs. F," she said. "Um, Risty and I were just practicing the lines of a little mini-skit we want to record later. It's about, um, a girl who switches bodies with this boy she knows, like in, uh, _Freaky Friday_?"

Mrs. Fernandez's thin eyebrows furrowed as she appraised us. Zoe nudged me, indicating I should back her up.

"Uh, yeah...Mom," I said, slowly drawing out the title. "Just...practicing, like Zoe said."

Mrs. Fernandez put the bags down at the door and then came in. She towered over me, which isn't new, and she looked down at me with an appraising look. I forced myself to lift my chin to meet her eyes, figuring that Risty May might have done such a thing. To my surprise, Risty May's mother took my face in her hands and studied me. I could sense Zoe's fidgeting next to me, but she somehow kept it under wraps.

"Oh, honey," Mrs. Fernandez finally said with a little sigh. She gave Zoe a disapproving look. "If you're going to lie to me about my own daughter, you'll have to do much better than that."

I started, and Zoe swallowed noticeably. "I know my Risty May," Mrs. Fernandez went on, turning back to look at me, "and you, young man, are not my Risty May."

Slowly, I drew in a breath. "But, uh..." Zoe tried to reply.

Mrs. Fernandez smiled slightly. "No wonder you were acting so odd this morning. I'm afraid I came in to the sound of my daughter's voice insisting quite loudly that she wasn't a, quote 'damn whiner'. My daughter has never said a swear word in her life, so that was a large clue. Now, tell me," she said, looking me over, "Mr. Edward Elric, where do you hail from?"

I looked at Zoe, but she seemed to be shocked into silence. Since I had been found out, I figured it wouldn't hurt to come clean. "Amestris," I said.

Mrs. Fernandez looked off into the distance while nodding slightly, as if this was nothing special. She turned to Zoe. "What show?"

"_What_?" Zoe exclaimed. "I mean, how did you know, Mrs. F?"

"I'll explain, if you'll answer my question," Mrs. Fernandez said.

Zoe glanced back at me, and I only shrugged. "Um, Full Metal Alchemist."

"That's one of Risty May's favorites. I should have known that," Mrs. Fernandez commented.

"But how do you know this at all?" Zoe exclaimed, turning fully around. "I mean, we would've told you if we thought...you know..."

Mrs. Fernandez laughed. "You know, before the internet became what it is today, people used good old snail mail for everything. Pen pals, paying bills, and of course the old staple, the chain letter."

"So you mean...you got one like Risty's?" Zoe asked.

"It was twelve years ago," Risty May's mom said, getting that wistful look in her eye. "I had gotten fired from my job, and I was battling depression. I got a chain letter in the mail that said if I sent it out to a friend in the next day's mail, I could wish to be in any TV show I wanted, and I would get my wish. So I did. I thought it was a joke, so I picked a kids' show I had heard of. But I forgot to send it in the next day's mail and ended up sending it the day after. That night when I went to sleep, I woke up suddenly. But I wasn't myself."

Zoe looked fascinated. I was simply confused. "Who were you?" she asked.

Mrs. Fernandez looked at us like she was trying not to laugh. "I was Sailor Moon."

Silence. Then both girls cracked up, while I stared at them in bewilderment.

* * *

A little later...

We were gathered around the Fernandez dining room table, eating cookies. Apparently figuring out how to re-switch two people's bodies required a snack. Even though it was almost dinnertime, Mrs. Fernandez didn't seem to mind.

"You see," she was saying as she broke her cookie into pieces, "the chain letter is activated when the person who receives it actually makes the wish. There are a great deal of people who get a chain letter and simply get rid of it."

"But _every_ person who wishes on it can get sent to their favorite show?" Zoe asked, reaching for her glass of milk.

Mrs. Fernandez shrugged. "Actually, I believe there are only a couple of authentic wish-granters out there, and a plethora of fakes. Risty May seems to have been sent the real thing. Who did you say sent it to her?"

"Psycho Girl," Zoe said. "That's not her real screen name, though, just Risty's nickname for her. I think her name is EdwardsBride or something like that."

"Excuse me?" I interrupted. "What the hell does that mean?"

"I told you, she's you-obsessed," Zoe reminded me.

I sighed, trying to avoid rubbing my sore chest, which I had banged into the door. "Well, all right, then if she's been handing out chain letters that do..._whatever_ you two are saying, then where'd she get hers?"

"That's what I plan to find out when she e-mails back," Zoe said firmly. "But enough about that. Mrs. F, you're the real Mrs. F, and not Sailor Moon, so how'd you get back?"

"I honestly wish I knew," Mrs. Fernandez said. "My older brother was the one who figured it out, and as you know, he's passed away now. Julio doesn't even remember the incident, and of course, Risty May was only three."

"Were there any side effects to this body-switching thing?" I asked.

Mrs. Fernandez shook her head, making her silver dangling earrings swing. "As far as I know, no. I was Sailor Moon for a week without anything happening to me, besides the general injury from a fight with some goon from the Negaverse."

Zoe snorted, then covered her mouth. "Sorry," she said, grinning behind her hand. "I used to be such an SM fan. Who, um, which Negaversian did you get to fight?"

Mrs. Fernandez looked ready to laugh again. "What was that woman's name? Oh, I think it was Zoisite or something to that effect."

"Oh, I loved her!" Zoe cried. "I always did, because her name was kind of close to mine."

"Can we _please_ get back to the issue at hand?" I begged. This was starting to sound suspiciously like girl talk, plus they were confusing the hell out of me.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Edward," Mrs. Fernandez said. "You're right. This is no time to reminisce. We should try and find out how to reverse this before something awful happens to Risty."

Zoe took the opportunity to gasp, and then slap her hand over her mouth again. "Edward!" she exclaimed. "When was the last time you saw Scar?"

I quirked a brow at her. "Scar? Well, I'm not sure..."

"Tell me!" Zoe exclaimed. "Because I don't want him getting _near_ Risty in your body! I mean, seriously, if Risty dies we might not be able to switch back!"

"_Dies_?" Mrs. Fernandez repeated, looking alarmed. "Who wants to kill Edward?"

I thought of the long list of suspects. "There's this Scar guy," Zoe was saying in a hurried tone, "and he uses this freaky alchemy power in his right hand-" here she tapped her right palm "-and he blows up brains! He's after Edward!" Then her face paled. "And, omigod, the Homunculi-"

"Who are they?" Mrs. Fernandez demanded, starting to rise out of her seat.

"These freaks who are always hounding Edward and-"

"All right, both of you, _calm down_!" I yelled, standing. They both stared at me like I had just shown up. "The last thing I was doing was following up on a trip to a town. I was in Central. Scar hasn't been seen in a while, and neither have the Homunculi, so stop panicking! Nothing's going on right now."

As I spoke, Zoe seemed to relax a bit, and Mrs. Fernandez sat back down. But something Zoe had said set off a little alarm in my head. Just because my old enemies weren't around didn't mean I couldn't make new ones. I knew Risty May wasn't a fighter. What if she got into a fight and died? What would happen to me? Would I be stuck here, in her body? Would we automatically switch back, and then _I'd _die? The question raised too many more questions, and I didn't want to find out the answer firsthand. It was imperative that we find a way to switch back as soon as possible.

Wait...how did I know Risty May wasn't a fighter?

"Mrs. Fernandez?" The woman looked up at me. "This might be an odd question, but...is your daughter a fighter? Does she fight, or take classes?"

Mrs. Fernandez stared at me like I had suddenly sprouted automail from my ears. "Oh, goodness, no," she said.

"Risty?" Zoe said incredulously. "Please. Once Risty stepped on a dog's tail and she cried about it. Risty May doesn't have a fighting bone in her body." Her face grew worried. "Are you thinking someone might beat her up thinking she's you?"

"No, actually," I said, now beginning to get deep in thought. "I was just wondering how I even knew that she doesn't fight."

The two females exchanged glances.

"Does she...she used to do something called 'gymnastics'? And...she was worried about some makeup math test today..."

Mrs. Fernandez was analyzing my face again, and Zoe was staring at me, like she saw the automail too. "How do you know?" she exclaimed. "She got a D on her test yesterday, yeah, but how did you know that about her being worried? And the gymnastics stuff?"

"I've got it." Mrs. Fernandez snapped her fingers. "Edward, dear, you're accessing Risty May's memories."

"I am?" I said in surprise.

She nodded. "Yes. Since you're in her body, you have access to her mind, and more importantly, her memories. The same thing happened to me when I was Sailor Moon."

"But how's that?" Zoe asked. "I mean, that's the strangest..." She trailed off, and then bit her index nail. "But," she amended, "I suppose it's not _impossible_. Hey!" She turned to me, looking excited. "Maybe you can remember what Risty May did last night! See if we're missing anything that helped the switch!"

I raised my eyebrows. "How the hell do I do that?" I asked. "I didn't ask for those things to pop up, they just did!"

"So sit there until the stuff we're looking for pops up," Zoe said reasonably.

A strange _ping _noise from the computer room caught our attention. Zoe jumped up. "It's an IM," she said, not bothering to explain to me. "Maybe it's from Her Psychoness." She hurried into the computer room.

Mrs. Fernandez watched her go, then sighed and turned to me with a smile. "Well, now that we've had dessert, I suppose I'll make dinner," she joked. "Would you care to help?"

I blushed a little. "Well, I don't really cook very often," I began.

"Then you should give it a go. How about it?" She stood up and pulled off her earrings.

"Well...all right," I conceded. Helping Risty May's mother cook a meal wouldn't hurt _too _much, I figured. Besides, they always did that together. It was like a mother-daughter bonding exercise.

I thought about how strange it was that I knew that as I got up from the table and followed Mrs. Fernandez into the kitchen.

* * *

Risty May's P.O.V.

* * *

I was doomed with a capital DOOMED. I swallowed hard and tried not to let my fear show on my face. I knew how Envy was. Every time he and Edward met, Edward got pummeled. And...I tried really, _really _hard not to think about what had happened the last time they met before the movie.

Envy stood up on top of the cage with that fluidity I always loved, but now feared. "What's the matter, shorty?" he sneered, looking twice as scary-and twice as cute, admittedly-in real time. "Surprised to see me?"

_Go to Ed mode. Go to Ed mode. Go to Ed mode._ I swallowed again and tried to put on an angry face. "You and the other Homunculi are behind the chimeras attacks, aren't you?" I demanded.

"Wow, you're smart," Envy said sarcastically.

"Well, why are you doing it?" I demanded.

Envy tapped the top of the cage he was on with his foot. Instantly, the giant creature inside-which looked like a scary mix of a panther, crocodile, boar, and...were those _hummingbird _feathers?-growled and snapped through the bars. At me. I instinctively stepped back. "To stir up trouble," he said with a sneering grin. "Why else?"

I sighed. "Well, are you doing it for any _particular_ reason, or just to cause mayhem and stuff?" I asked, starting to get a little exasperated. Well, as exasperated as you can get in a room full of scary chimeras who seem to want a couple hunks out of you.

Envy arched an eyebrow. Then his grin returned. "There's a couple of interesting alchemists in town," he said, "though they're starting to become less interesting. We were hoping the chimeras would stir up enough trouble for us, but they seem to be too mellow. It's a shame really."

I got it. At least I think I did. They wanted the chimeras to go around killing people, and then the "interesting alchemists", in their states of despair, would try making a Philosopher's Stone to revive their dead town. Oh, woo. Awesome plan, guys. "I'm sorry?" I tried, speaking about the too-mellow chimeras.

"So am I." In one smooth move, Envy jumped off the cage, flipped in mid-air, then landed on his feet a couple of feet in front of me. "However," he began, "you seem to be the perfect stimulant for them. Maybe I should test my new theory out."

"Um, how about you don't?" I said, my eyes darting around, looking for an exit. _What the heck happened to that trap door I fell through? Darn it_!

"Don't tell me you're trying to escape, pipsqueak," Envy taunted, coming closer. "That's so not like you."

_Darn_ _right I'm trying to escape! I'm not Edward. I can't fend off a bunch of wild animals and Envy. Heck, I couldn't fend off either one. I can barely fend off pollen!_ I swallowed again, still searching for a way out. I kept backing up every time Envy took a step closer, trying to keep a good distance between us. Was there anything, anything at all I could say to get me out of this?

"Sometimes I wish..."

I scrunched my brows. I had suddenly heard Edward's voice in my mind, angry, yelling something about a wish. I had no clue what it had to do with anything, but I felt myself run out of options when my back hit a bar and something snarled its way over to me. I instantly jerked forward, out of reach of the bear-monkey-dog thing in the cage behind me. I was trapped. Envy was going to _kill _me!

The thought made my eyes sting. _Ohhh no, don't you DARE cry, Risty May! Edward would never live it down with Envy. Be strong, stupid! _I held them in, scowling at nothing.

"Stop playing games, pipsqueak," Envy said. "You're insulting me."

"And your feelings are _sooo_ what I care about right now," I couldn't help saying sarcastically.

Envy laughed once, and then out of nowhere, one of his feet came flying at my face. _ABORT! ABORT! _I dived to the side, relieved that Edward's agility saved me. I rolled and managed to come to my feet, just in time to see some other limb come flying at me. "Ack!" I dodged and dived under the third strike, somersaulting to safety. I jumped up and whirled, seeing that I was behind Envy, and used both hands to push him. He was in the process of whirling to face me, and I caught his shoulder, shoving him off-balance a bit. He faltered for a split second, and I took my cue and took off. With Edward's power, I could run faster, so maybe I could get away.

That was when I saw the thingy.

Don't laugh at me! I don't know what to call it! I screeched to a halt, stopping about half a millimeter short of having my head lopped off. I swallowed hard as, out of the shadows to my left, Lust appeared, holding me in place with a deadly nail, like a lethal finish line. I had a feeling she didn't want me to do the limbo.

"Running away?" Envy's smooth-and-now-scaring-me-witless voice said from behind me. He sounded close. _Don't look afraid. Don't look afraid. _"You're acting so out-of-character, pipsqueak," Envy went on.

I took a deep breath, trying to stay calm. Edward would probably execute some awesome move to knock Lust away and escape Envy, but as we all know, I'm not Edward. And I had no plan except to stand there and try not to look scared.

"If I didn't know any better," Lust said, "I'd say you were someone else."

Oh my God. _They knew_. My knees buckled, but I forced myself to stay standing. "I don't know _what _you're talking about," I said through gritted teeth, feeling the urge to cry again.

"Let us enlighten you," Envy said. I heard the rustling of paper, and then Envy cleared his throat and began to speak like he was reading aloud. The first sentence sent me to my knees, no lie, and my head turned slowly to stare at him as I gaped.

"'Are you a hardcore anime fan?'" Envy read. And I think you know the rest.

When he finished reading, I was dumbfounded. "But...how?" I said, voice barely above a whisper. "Where did you even _get _that?"

"EBay," Envy said with a shrug.

"What? _EBay_?" I repeated.

"It's where I buy my dresses," Lust added matter-of-factly.

I stood, staring at them both. "How the heck do you know about _EBay_?"

"What _else_ are we supposed to do when the story's not on us?" Envy said in a "duh" tone.

Lust tapped me on the shoulder. "By the way, you're not wearing any pants."

I looked down to see that the leather pants were gone and all I had on were those conforking light blue boxers.

"I don't know how he fits regular-sized boxers in tight pants like those," I sighed.

* * *

I didn't realize I hadn't been awake until I woke up. You know how it is. The dream makes perfect sense until you wake up, then you think on it and you go "Darn that was stupid!"

My head hurt. So did my flesh arm and leg, my neck, my back-pretty much everything that _could _hurt. It felt like a bunch of people were lying on top of me. I took a deep breath, or tried to, and a sharp pain stabbed my chest. I started to cough, realizing that the air had dust or dirt or something cloggy in it. I opened my eyes, and I couldn't see anything.

I tried to get up, but I was pinned. I shifted myself to the left, and the awful grating noises I heard above me made me realize that it wasn't people, but _rubble_ that had me pinned down. I was under a pile of rubble.

Slowly, my groggy mind cleared as I tried to remember when I had fallen unconscious. It came back to me in bits and pieces.

* * *

"Stop playing games, pipsqueak," Envy said. "You're insulting me."

"And your feelings are

sooo___what I care about right now," I couldn't help saying sarcastically._

Envy laughed once, and then out of nowhere, one of his feet came flying at my face. 'ABORT! ABORT!' I dived to the side, relieved that Edward's agility saved me. I rolled and managed to come to my feet, just in time to see some other limb come flying at me. "Ack!" I dodged and dived under the third strike, somersaulting to safety. I jumped up and whirled, seeing that I was behind Envy, and used both hands to push him. He was in the process of whirling to face me, and I caught his shoulder, shoving him off-balance a bit. He faltered for a split second, and I took my cue and took off. With Edward's power, I could run faster, so maybe I could get away.

Suddenly, something shot out and broke the bars of the cage nearest me into pieces. With a snarl, the chimera imprisoned inside jumped out and lunged at me. I screeched to a halt and barely managed to bring my automail arm up in defense before sharp dog teeth sank down on it.

"You think you're going to get away?" Envy sneered as he came up behind me. I struggled to shake the chimera off so I could face him, but I had barely managed to turn before Envy's foot slammed into the side of my head, sending me and the chimera to the ground. I cried out as pain spread across my head, and worked to unhook the chimera's jaws. I glanced at my right hand, and then my left. Both were free.

'Maybe...'

I had no other choice. I had to try. Breaking my arm partway from the chimera's hold, I reached out and solidly clapped my hands together.

'What if it doesn't work? People can use alchemy without a circle because of seeing The Gate. I haven't seen The Gate! Maybe that ability doesn't transfer to me because I'm not really him!'

But Envy was coming at me again, and the chimera seemed two steps away from tearing my whole right side off. I had to try. I slammed my palms onto the floor and saw the blue glow out of the corner of my eyes. I felt relief for a split second.

The last thing I saw was portions of the floor spiking towards the ceiling, and what looked like blood splattering into the air. The last thing I heard was the guttural cry of the chimera, and Envy's shout.

* * *

I had been able to transmute without a circle. How, I wasn't sure. But I had. And it seemed that I might have demolished the place. I had just been attempting to lift a wall between myself and Envy and the chimera. But, of course, I don't know the first thing about transmuting properly. I must have overdone it.

Slowly, I tried to pull my hands together so I could transmute some of this debris away, but my right arm didn't move. I managed to work my left hand around to feel down my right arm. At the wrist, I hit rubble. My automail was pinned.

How much damage had I done? Had Alphonse been able to escape it? What about Envy, and the chimeras? I tried to pull myself in every direction, looking for an out, but I seemed to be curled into a small air pocket inside a giant pile of rubble. I pushed against the debris, trying to find a place to slither out, but nothing budged.

I coughed again and tried to pull my right arm out from under the pile, but that didn't work either. "Darn it!" I cried, banging my free fist on the ground. I laid my head back down, dejected.

Maybe I would have to stay here until Alphonse came to find me. Certainly he was looking. I hoped I hadn't damaged his armor any in my wild transmutation.

Speaking of which...I wondered how I could do that anyway. Just before I had hit my hands on the floor, I had seen, in my mind's eye, The Gate, like I was standing before it. It had been just a split second, but I had seen it. It had felt like it wasn't me, though, like I was standing in front of The Gate, watching Edward watch it. Almost like...a memory? But one that didn't belong to me. I didn't understand at all.

It was a few moments before I realized I could hear sounds. I craned my neck to listen. They were muffled, and very quiet, but it sounded like...voices? A search party, maybe? I almost called out, but it occurred to me that it could be the Homunculi, and I kept my mouth shut, waiting for a clue as to who it was.

The voices got slightly louder, as if they were getting closer, and then I heard Alphonse say "Brother". It _was _a search party! Excitedly I cleared my throat and propped myself up on one elbow. "Hey!" I called. "He-lloooooooo!"

My voice was a little raspy, so I kept trying until I was loud and clear. "Help!" I yelled, hitting my automail leg against a part of the pile I was wrapped under. "Hell-oooo! Help! Hell-oooo!"

I heard scratching noises nearby, and then a snarl. I froze. The chimera! It must have been trapped in the pile with me! I began to kick and yell more, desperate to get out before the chimera got to me. "HEY! I'M IN HERE! HEY!"

Something burst through the rubble in front of me, and I cried out and scrambled back as far as I could as what I knew must be the chimera snarled in front of me. It seemed to be struggling to get to me, and I squished myself away from it. "Stay away from me!" I yelled at it. "I thought you were supposed to be mellow!"

It growled and snapped at me, and I could feel the wind when it snapped its jaws so forcefully. I must have been just out of reach. I felt both relief that I was currently safe, and fear for when it broke through the rubble.

My free hand fumbled for a weapon and came across a loose wooden plank. I picked it up and swung it in the general direction of the chimera. "Back off! Go away!" I shouted. I heard a noise like cracking wood, and suddenly my weapon was yanked away.

"You darn animal!" I yelled. "Leave me alone! I haven't done anything to you!" _Besides bringing the house down on you, _I thought ruefully.

I heard sounds like the rubble was giving away, and my heart sank as the chimera's growls and snarls became more frenzied. Fear was starting to kick in high gear. "Stay away!" I cried, knowing I sounded panicked, but I couldn't help it now. "Go away! Go _away_!"

I heard a sound, and felt the rubble shift. I realized that some of it had come loose a second too late, and then I felt the chimera's jaws clamp down on my arm.

The real one.

I screamed. Tears came unhindered and rolled down my cheeks as I hollered in pain. The chimera sank its teeth into my arm. "_LET _!" I wailed.

The debris shifted more and more, and it seemed to give way. By now I was crying outright and trying to shield my arm. The chimera wouldn't let go. I tried to pull my automail free, and this time I was able to pull it out. I started to hit the chimera with a clenched fist, now not caring if I hurt it. I wanted it to let go.

Then, I could hear voices. They were closer, and not as muffled. I didn't care. I was too busy beating the stuffing out of the chimera. It snarled and whimpered at the same time, and I was crying with tears streaming down my face. I was bordering on hysterical.

Finally, as I continued to pound the chimera, I felt it loosening its grip. As soon as I felt the teeth leave my skin I snatched my arm to my chest, shielding it with my automail arm. But I wasn't done. I kicked at the chimera again and again, wanting to ensure it left me alone.

"Brother!" Alphonse was near. I saw light shining through the hole the chimera had made to get in my air pocket. It was being cleared out more and more, and I could hear shouts, though I didn't know what they were saying. I just heard Alphonse. "Brother, are you okay? We're coming!"

I kept kicking, using each kick to push myself closer to the hole. I was working not to sob, but I was still crying outright. I didn't even consider for a second that my behavior was totally un-Ed-like. I was too afraid for my life, in too much pain, just generally bordering on hysteria and hyperventilation. I saw a flash of brighter light and whirled, seeing that the hole was much bigger now. I didn't even notice that the chimera had stopped growling, even though I was still kicking it.

"Brother! Brother!"

I felt Alphonse grab me by the shoulders, presumably to pull me out. I gave the chimera one last kick, then flipped over and scrambled out of the hole, already starting the hiccups of pre-hyperventilation. I kept going until I was in the clear, and then I collapsed, shaking, still crying.

I wanted to go home. I wanted my mom to hold me and tell me it was okay, and that I didn't have to be scared. I didn't want to be Edward Elric anymore. It hadn't been all that fun from the beginning, but now it was an absolute nightmare of the worst proportions.

A hand touched my shoulder. "Ed?" It was Alphonse.

"Please don't call me that!" I said my voice choked with tears. "Please-please! I'm not your brother, okay? I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I'm so sorry! I'm sorry, I swear!" I threw myself on Alphonse's metal lap, now officially sobbing.

Alphonse didn't seem to know how to react. I can't really blame him, though. He awkwardly hugged me, since I was coming undone on his lap.

"Full Metal." Roy Mustang was also here.

"Don't call me that either!" I said.

I didn't see the look Roy and Alphonse exchanged. "Brother, or, um...come on," Alphonse said. "Let's go. We need to bandage up your arm."

* * *

Risty: (holding fire extinguisher) What on earth did you do?  
Zilo: Nothing.  
Ed/Roy/Al/Havoc: (in the middle of a stop-drop-roll session)  
Riza: Boys, the fire's gone now...we put it out.  
Boys: ...(get up)  
Zilo: My longest-and saddest-chapter yet!  
Ed: Er, yay?  
Roy: Eleven and one-half pages and she thinks she's some writing god.  
Zilo: Shut up before I make you OOC.  
Risty: Zilo, are you abusing your authoress powers again?  
Winry: See you all next time!


	6. Dimension Jumper

Zilo:** Half Human Homunculi, Firestorm, Kobrah Edo, lana-rinreed, **thank yeeeeeeeeeeeew! I love nice reviews!

Risty: Zilo is glad you like the story, **crazzymonkey**! As for your gymnastics question...I took a few classes when I was around eight or nine. We had this cute little team that competed in Little League-ish gymnastics. My specialty was the uneven bars. Even after I quit the team, sometimes Zoe would still goad me into practicing on things like monkey bars.

Zilo: Glad I surprised you, **Colonel Bastard**! And now...you'll see how they'll react! MUAHAHA! Erm...but you don't have to threaten me with killer French fries. I can update without threats, see?

Risty: **tomato sauce**! (runs to resuscitate) Don't give up! It'll be okay!

Zilo: Hmm, I remember when I liked SM too! Ah, **Maire blaze**, you know nobody can properly make rocks! And yay! (accepts cookie)  
Roy: And _excuse_ me? I'm hardly afraid of someone who can't correctly spell 'doom'.  
Zilo: Roy...you so don't get talking online...

Zilo: No, **chidori-no-kage**, I'd never kill off my darling Envy!  
Envy: Whaddya take me for, some kind of "die one time" pansy?

Risty: A monkey? No! I'm no monkey! (tears up)  
Zilo: It's okay, Risty. **Koinu-chan**, I know how you feel! I felt like crying when I saw Hughes dying. (which rhymes) Darn school. But don't worry, your review is awesome the way it is! And who hasn't sounded like Tohru every once in a while?  
(The whole cast of FMA raises their hands)  
Zilo: Oh...  
Risty: (whispers) Except Lust. She and Tohru are voiced by the same person.  
Zilo: (whispers) Don't tell her that, she thinks she's REAL.

Risty: Thank you for your kind words, **Onna-san**!  
Envy: OW! (rubs shin) Dammit, don't kick me, you stupid human!  
Zilo: Envy, you kind of had it coming...  
Envy: Shut up!

* * *

Riza: Here's the next chapter.  
Risty: Why are Riza and Winry the only ones cooperating?  
Roy: Maybe because everyone else is depressed about being kidnapped and practically tortured.  
Zilo: Don't you talk to my cousin that way, you-

* * *

**SIX: ****Dimension Jumper**  
**AKA "Don't Give Up Or Yell At The Dinner Table"**

* * *

Risty May's P.O.V.

* * *

That night...

As it turned out, the explosion Alphonse and I had seen was one of the biggest chimeras busting through the back wall. My wild transmutation had busted down another wall and broke open all the cages, so the rest of the chimeras escaped and started attacking the town in earnest. Alphonse had been trying to find me until the chimeras escaped, and then he hurriedly found a phone back in town and called Colonel Mustang, who came down posthaste with a team of military officers to control the chimera outbreak.

Once the majority of the officers had begun cleaning up the mess, Alphonse brought Roy and the few remaining officers back to the lab to find me. I had demolished the little basement I had been in, and apparently Envy had gotten away without being noticed. No one was sure if Lust and Gluttony had been there also.

So they had searched throughout the basement. Alphonse was the one who had heard my frantic screaming in a corner of the basement that had been reduced to rubble. He had started digging through the debris, eventually coming across the place where the chimera had intruded in my little air bubble. That was when I had burst out, which was a very unnerving sight, considering Edward doesn't get all hysterical like that.

And then I had made my teary confession.

No one had said a word about it since they had gotten me out of there. Alphonse didn't even speak to me, but for some reason he didn't leave my side. The local doctor, who had several other patients due to chimera attacks, bandaged up my arm and a bruise on my cheek. Roy, Riza, and Alphonse all escorted me back to the inn. In the distance you could hear the final sounds of the chimeras being brought under control by the military.

Since I had come clean, I felt free to lapse into my usual self. I didn't bother putting up a single front, and let my pain and exhaustion show on my face. The tears had stopped flowing continuously, but one or two would make an appearance if I allowed myself to think on the day's events.

"We'll talk on the train in the morning," Roy said curtly once we were back at the inn. The normal population had been evacuated, and a few military officers were there. He turned on his heel and left. Riza followed after a glance at me.

I hadn't bothered to wipe away the tears that had fallen, and so I was sure I was making Edward look pathetic. Alphonse was still there, but he was so still it was almost like the armor wasn't animated anymore. Wordlessly I turned and opened the door. The room looked normal, which didn't match what was going on right now. I walked to the bed and let myself fall on it, sniffling into the pillow.

The sound of metal meeting the floor came to my ears, and I felt the side of my bed sag. I sat up, realizing that Alphonse had sat down, and was now looking at me.

"So what do you mean, you're not my brother?"

I shuddered. I really didn't like Alphonse's tone. It was scary.

With a sigh, I finally rubbed some of my tear streaks away. "I'm really sorry I didn't tell you before," I said. "I just figured you wouldn't believe me. I mean, I'm in your brother's body. I look like him, and sound like him! I was a duck!"

"What?"

"Sorry." I swallowed. "What I meant was, you know the saying, 'looks like a duck, quacks like a duck...'? I looked like Edward and quacked like Edward, so I was the duck."

"For how long?" Alphonse demanded. "Is _that _why you said what you said to the colonel? About wishing you were someone else?"

"No, no! It was only since I woke up in the hospital!" I said hastily. Then I frowned. "Wait, Ed said that?"

Alphonse looked uncomfortable. (Insert "as uncomfortable as a suit of armor can look, anyway" here) "It's a long story. But you've got to answer some questions. If you're not my brother, who are you?"

"Um, I'm a girl," I said. "My name's Risty May."

Alphonse sighed. "Well, how did this happen? And where's Brother?"

"That's a long story, too," I sighed. Then, sensing he was about to say something negative, I hastily went on. "Trust me, I didn't do it on purpose! I'd never misplace your brother, Alphonse, I swear." I looked up at him pleadingly. "Please believe me. I didn't want this to happen to me. I was just keeping a promise to a psycho...I mean, uh, a friend. I had no idea this would happen! I thought it was impossible!"

"So did I," Alphonse said. "Although taking over someone's body isn't something I've thought about too much. Just tell me where Brother is."

"I don't know," I admitted. "Just like I don't know where my real body is. I think they might both be in The Gate, but-"

"The Gate!" Alphonse exclaimed. "How do you know about that?"

I looked back down. "Well...I come from a place where you and your brother...er..." I agonized over how to approach this. "Do you believe in other dimensions?"

"What? Um, I don't know," Alphonse said.

"Well, you better, because I'm from one. Another dimension, I mean. And in my world, your brother's life is a story that a woman from Japan wrote about. A lot of people know about it. I know about it. I like your brother, he's really cool." I sighed, deciding to be open and risk sounding insane. "The promise I was talking about? This girl I know sent me a letter and begged me to read it, so I promised I would. It said to wish you could be in your favorite ani...uh, story. So I did. But it said I had to send it to a bunch of my other friends within a time limit, or it would backfire. I missed the deadline, and I think this is how it backfired."

I looked up to see if Alphonse was believing this story, but no surprise, his face was unreadable. I sighed and kept on. "All I was doing was being nice to my friend. I honestly didn't think anything would happen. But, I guess if I hadn't missed the deadline, I might have been able to just come here as myself, instead of taking over your brother's body, Alphonse. I'm so sorry. I just want to go home and get Edward back, honest." Tears were coming again, but I didn't feel like trying to hold them back.

Silence. Then Alphonse sighed. "So you didn't do this to my brother on purpose, trying to do something bad to him?"

"No way!" I shook my head fiercely. "I'd never do that."

Alphonse glanced out the window. Then he sighed again. "...All right. I believe you when you say you just want to go back home. I don't know about all this different dimensions thing, but I could tell something was different about you. Even when you were acting just like Ed, something in me just kind of knew, I guess."

I smiled slightly. "I guess it's impossible to be just like somebody, no matter how hard you try. I really am sorry, Alphonse. I didn't want to lie to you, but I thought I didn't have a choice."

"So is that what you wanted to talk about under the tree?" Alphonse asked.

I nodded. "After you said all those sweet things about wanting your brother to rely on you some, I just felt really guilty. I want everything back to normal as soon as possible." I touched my hurt arm and winced at the sting from the bite. "Will you help me figure it out?"

"Of course," Alphonse agreed. "But while we're on the subject, I think it would be better if we kept this a secret. If everyone knew it could cause problems for Brother. People might come after you."

"You're right," I said, nodding. "But, oh, the colonel knows too. Consnark it. I'll have to tell him the truth, too."

"That's another way I knew something was off about you," Alphonse said. "You'd never swear. Even when you were trying to play Ed you wouldn't swear."

I laughed, starting to feel better. Telling the truth works wonders for my mood. "I just couldn't muster up the gumption," I said. "I tried, I really did, but that just isn't me. But I did a good short rant, right?"

"Short rant...?"

"Oh, sorry. You know, the stuff Ed yells when someone calls him short?"

"Oh, that. Yeah, that wasn't too bad," Alphonse agreed, a laugh in his own voice. "And don't worry, Risty May. Wherever Brother is, I'm sure he's coming up with a solution on his end. Now that I know what's going on, I bet it's going to turn out all right."

I appreciated his optimism, and I immediately latched on. "You're right," I agreed. "And once I tell the Colonel, maybe he can help too. I think it's going to be all right!"

Boy was I relieved.

* * *

The next morning...

When all military personnel finally left Biexilde, the chimera problem was over. All the chimeras had either been killed or captured, I guess for research in some underground secret hidey-hole lab. The incident was labeled another Homunculi episode, and reports were due to superior officers. I like to write, so I had no problem writing down a report as I rode on the train with Alphonse.

At one point I looked up to see Alphonse looking out the window. "Um...Alphonse?" I said meekly.

"If you're going to play my brother, you have to be bold like he is," Alphonse pointed out as he turned to me.

"Oh, right." I sighed. I had been pretty relieved to be able to be myself around Al, but now I'd have to go back to Ed mode again.

"And Brother only calls me by my full name when he's upset or mad. Otherwise it's always Al."

I nodded. "Okay. Hey, Al."

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

Alphonse tilted his head slightly. "For what?"

"Well...even after you found out I wasn't...you know, and you didn't know why yet, you didn't leave me alone to wallow. I was really, really scared then, and your hanging out with me helped a lot," I explained.

"You're welcome," Alphonse said, "but honestly, I was just keeping an eye on you so you didn't run away with Brother's body. I'm glad I could help, though."

I sweatdropped. (It's such a strange sensation to sweatdrop, you know?) "Uh...oh."

Someone stopped by our booth. I looked up to see Roy and Riza. Roy had this stormy look on his face. "Busy?" he asked me, gesturing to the half-written report in my hands.

"Oh, uh, no," I said. "I'm just writing a report."

Roy sat down next to Alphonse, and Riza sat next to me. "So," Roy said, crossing his arms and legs, which looked like the position of someone about to interrogate, "care to explain your outburst last night?"

I swallowed and glanced at Alphonse, then back to Roy. He was intimidating me, I'll admit it. "I said it because...I said it 'cause it's true," I said. "I'm not Edward Elric."

Riza had been watching me, and here she started. Roy's eyes narrowed. "And what do you mean by that?"

"Just what I said," I said, and I then proceeded to tell him the same stuff I had told Alphonse. Little face changes on Roy's part clued me in to what he was thinking at certain points. His whole face never entirely changed, but he'd raise a brow, blink, narrow or slightly widen his eyes, or the corner of his mouth would twitch like it was all so funny. I kept looking to Alphonse for encouragement, and he'd nod, and I'd keep going.

"So, now all I want to do is figure out how to go home, and get Ed back where he belongs," I finally concluded. "Al's gonna help, but he thinks for now I should keep playing Edward. If we four are the only ones who know, it's probably safer if it stays that way."

"Hmm," Roy commented, looking downwards in thought.

"It just doesn't seem possible," Riza said, examining me from head to foot. "How could one person take over another's body? Is it some kind of new alchemy that can be transferred?"

I shook my head. "It couldn't be. Alchemy doesn't exist in my world."

If I had said I'd seen Ed, Scar, and Envy sharing in a group hug, I don't think I would have gotten three more shocked looks. I fidgeted and turned red underneath the attention.

Roy was the first to recover. "As ridiculous as that sounds, that's not the matter at hand here," he said. "What is is tracking down Full Metal and getting everything back to normal." Here he looked at me. "So your theory is that he's in The Gate, along with your body?"

I shrugged. "I guess. I mean, I can't prove it, but I don't know where else he might be. I mean, maybe my body's still back in my world, but I don't know if-"

"Do you think it's possible he was sent there?" Riza interrupted.

I looked up at her. "And then what? He doesn't have a body, so what would he do? Take over mine?" I was incredulous.

"That seems unlikely," Roy commented. "However, we shouldn't rule anything out. After all, I don't think any of us believed someone could take over Edward's body. A girl, no less. No wonder you were on the verge of tears in my office."

"Hey!" I exclaimed. "I'm a very sensitive person! And I don't like being reprimanded."

Roy was barely holding back a smirk. "Nevertheless, our main goal should be to get Edward back, and return you home, of course. Then we should ensure this can't happen again. Was it all on your part, or is it possible something over here helped trigger this...switch?"

I shrugged. "I have no clue."

"You know, you're a real bastard, Colonel! I've been trying to..."

I frowned. There it was again. Ed's voice in my head, like a memory, of him yelling at Roy. Now I could even see the scene, as if I had been there: Ed, standing angrily in front of the big desk, Roy, sitting angrily behind it, Riza, looking as though she'd be getting her gun out in a second, and Al, ready to restrain his brother should the need arise. I didn't know what was going on, but it seemed real. Recent. It was fading, so I tried to focus on it again.

"I told you it was unwise to go. Abaros was unstable from the beginning."

"Forget that!" Ed yelled. "There could still be people down there! I've got to go back!"

"You're under direct orders NOT to go, do you understand me?" Roy said, his voice rising.

"You know, you're a real bastard, Colonel! I've been trying to figure out why the hell you're so sadistic all the time, but I'm about to give up! How could you turn your back on the ability to save lives!"

Roy was glaring stormily. "If you go back there, so help me Edward, I'll..."

"Darn it!" I exclaimed in frustration as the scene faded away.

I got three confused looks. "I'm sorry," I said, realizing I had just yelled out of nowhere. "I was seeing this fight between the colonel and Ed in my mind. It seemed important, so I was trying to watch the whole thing. It was like, Ed was yelling something about there still being people alive in Abaros, and Roy was all, I'm ordering you not to go back, and Ed was all blowing up and cussing him out..."

I trailed off when I realized that they were staring at me again. "That was three days ago," Alphonse supplied, sounding surprised. "The argument Brother had with the colonel. Half of Abaros had been blown away in an alchemical explosion, and the colonel had summoned us back to keep us safe. Edward had been angry, because he had wanted to help those people, and he told the colonel that. And then he ran off, and I went after him, and when he saw me coming he stood up to meet me and passed out."

"And then I woke up in the hospital in his body?" I said.

Alphonse nodded. "Then how do I remember that fight thing?" I asked. "And why do I feel like it has something to do with this mess?"

There was silence. "What did he say?" I pressed. Drawing on a memory, I said, "Did he wish for something? Did he say he wished for something and then storm out?"

"He said," Riza finally spoke, "he said, 'sometimes I wish I were someone else. Then I wouldn't have to follow your stupid rules and let people die'."

Silence. Even from me. _Oh, Edward. _I remembered the argument now. "Something tells me..." I said slowly, "that maybe...I think that might have helped somehow. Maybe the lieutenant's right. Maybe when he said that, and when I sent the letter, those combined to make us switch bodies. I mean, I know it sounds crazy, but it's possible, right?"

Roy sighed heavily. "Maybe. Maybe not. The question is, how do we reverse it?"

Silence fell over the booth. I squirmed a little, now vaguely uncomfortable as I realized something I had been neglecting for a bit. "Um, well, I don't know what we're going to do yet, but..."

"What?" Alphonse asked, sounding concerned.

I bowed my head in shame. "I have to go potty."

I swear I heard someone anime-fall. I swear I did.

* * *

(Edward's P.O.V.)

* * *

"And you said you don't like to cook," Mrs. Fernandez said playfully. "You're a lovely cook, Edward. You ought to do it more often."

I turned red under her praise. "Um, thanks, Mrs. Fernandez," I mumbled into the pot of pasta I was stirring.

"Feel free to call me Rose." I blinked at the familiar name and looked up at her as she turned down the heat on her own dish and smiled at me. "So, Edward, why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?"

"Well, what do you want to know?"

"How about your family? What are they like?"

I stiffened and turned away. "All I have is my little brother," I said to the pasta. "My mom died when I was ten, and my bastard father disappeared long before that. He didn't even come to the funeral."

"I'm so sorry," Mrs. Fernandez said, sounding sincere. "It does hurt to lose someone you love. The older brother I told you about? Risty May loved him terribly as a child. He was killed in a car accident, and it hurt us both so deeply."

As she said it, little sparks of Risty May's memories of the uncle came to my mind. I knew suddenly that his name was Henry, and he had had a daughter a little older than Risty May.

"So what happened to your father?" Mrs. Fernandez, or Rose, asked.

I was silent. After a few moments, she said, "you don't have to talk about it, of course. How about we move on to something happier. What is your brother like?"

"He's a nice kid," I said. "A year younger than me, even though no one ever believes it. He's pretty easy to get along with, and he has this thing for cats."

Rose smiled. "Risty May adores cats. She's always playing with strays. She's had five cats, you know."

I grimaced. "She and Al are probably getting along great, then."

Zoe came back just then, looking a little mad.

"What happened?" Rose asked.

Zoe sighed heavily. "It wasn't the psycho, just someone from school asking what had happened to Risty May today. So, I told them she was sick and I had taken a train to Vegas to get married." She plunked down at the dining room table. "The psychopath hasn't replied at all to my carefully worded e-mail."

"Well, give it time. Perhaps she doesn't know how to respond," Rose suggested.

"Yeah, I guess," Zoe said. "And also, I called my mama to let her know I was gonna spend the night. You don't mind, right, Mrs. F?"

"I never do," Rose said with a smile, turning off the stove. "Looks like everything's ready. Edward, would you mind getting the soda out of the fridge?"

I went over to the fridge and opened it. My mouth dropped at the insane amount of food inside. I saw things I was used to in weird bags and packages, and some things I had never laid eyes on in my life. Everything had a label on it, written in swirly handwriting: _Bread, lunch meat, Mom's applesauce, dinner sausage, RM's fruit juice, eggs_. I felt a memory of Risty May sitting down and labeling all these things. What a strange hobby.

I scanned the labels on the bottles until I found one marked _Soda_ and pulled it out. Rose had already taken everything to the table while I had goggled at the fridge's contents, and Zoe was dealing flatware across the table like playing cards. Somehow, none of the flatware fell off the table.

"I've got the soda," I said, carrying the bottle to the table. "Does Risty May always label the food like that?"

Both women looked up at me, and Rose smiled while Zoe snorted. "She does," Rose confirmed. "It seems to make things simpler for her in the kitchen, and it certainly doesn't hurt, so we let her do it."

"Huh," I said thoughtfully as I put the soda on the table. Zoe grabbed me by the arm and plunked me down into the chair next to her, scraping my b...uh, chest, against the tabletop. "Ow! Hey!" I snapped, rubbing my arm and avoiding rubbing my chest. "What the hell? I can sit down by myself."

Zoe shrugged. "I know, but we've got to talk. Some things just came to my attention. You ever seen a woman naked?"

I gaped at her, and my face grew very, very, hot. "...Whaaat?"

"I didn't stutter. YOU-SEEN-A-NA-KED-WO-MAN?" Zoe asked me, exaggerating each syllable like I was an idiot.

"Uh, not that I know of," I mumbled, my face still very hot.

Zoe spread her hands. "So how're you gonna take a shower, huh?"

My head snapped up, and I stared at her.

"Hmm?" she prompted.

"...I didn't really think about it," I confessed.

"Well, do," Zoe said, flicking a pale blue streaked bang out of her face. "Because you're not going to have Risty May all stinky and holding it in."

My face turned into an inferno. "Why are we talking about this at the dinner table?" I demanded.

"You wanna bring it up when you go to pee?" Zoe asked bluntly.

"No, but I'll think of something!"

Zoe gave me a look. "Look here, Eddie, I won't have you sneaking peeks at Risty May's body or-"

"I won't! That's disgusting! And _what _did you just call me?"

"Are you saying Risty May is _disgusting_?" Zoe said indignantly.

"No! What the hell's your problem! I meant _looking_ at her is disgusting!" I clarified.

We were now nose-to-nose, our foreheads touching as we glared. That made it much easier for Rose not to miss when she threw a glass of water at us. I blinked when the wetness hit me, and Zoe shrieked and reeled back like it was acid.

"Now you two," Rose said calmly from across the table when we turned to gape at her, water running down our face and dripping off our chins, "there's no need to argue. Edward can close his eyes, and I'll bathe him."

Once again, my face became an inferno, and even Zoe seemed embarrassed. "Ugh, but that's so _weird_," she commented.

"Well, like you said, Zoe, better that than Risty May being 'stinky and holding it in'," Rose said, smiling at us. "Now, shall we eat peaceably, or do I need to get more water?"

Zoe and I glared at each other and put some distance between our chairs.

* * *

Lust: Okay, it's over. Can we leave?  
Zilo: No.  
Envy: I'm going to murder you in your sleep.  
Risty: But-but... (tears up) That's so mean!  
Ed: (to readers) GET OUT OF HERE SO I CAN HAVE SOME RELIEF!  
Riza: Edward, don't raise your voice to the readers.


	7. Ups And Downs

Zilo: **Devil-Speaker, Half Human Homunculi, **thank you very much!

Risty May: You're so right, **Wandering Hitokiri**! Many things about this, er, problem are quite embarrassing! I simply can't stand up when I-  
Zilo: Uh, NO YOU WILL NOT DISCUSS THAT? But hey, at least Annora and Risty May can swap tips...or something...

Zilo: COOKIE! (devours) Thanks, **Maire blaze**!  
Ed: Eh, you'll get over it.  
Zoe: Yes, it was incredibly forward of me, wasn't it? But I cared about Risty May's hygiene, and I wasn't going to let Eddie off the hook.  
Ed: STOP CALLING ME THAT!

Risty: Actually, **Koinu-chan**, I was hoping it WOULDN'T happen. I hope your heebie jeebies go away!  
Zilo: (removes hat in honor of Maes Hughes) Hey, that line sounds familiar! It's in a story I like, isn't it?

Zilo: **Arktos**, thank you thank you thank you! Again! I trust you got my long-winded response! And **Onna-san**, don't give them ideas! They're mine now!  
Arakawa-san: I have a few copyright disputes with that, Zilo...  
Zilo: Heh, sorry. I meant, I'm borrowing them!  
Envy: OW! STOP KICKING ME! I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU ARE! (turns hand into spike and gives chase)

* * *

Zilo: Welcome back, all! The A/N's getting a little crowded, so we'll introduce just one more-  
Lust: We're not going to let you.  
Zilo: (sweatdrop) Whah?  
Ed: GET HER!  
(Ed, Roy, and Envy tackle Zilo and tie her to a chair)  
Zilo: HEY! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! (thrashes around while the boys try to control her)  
Winry/Havoc/Risty/Zoe: (sweatdrop while wisely edging away)  
Riza: And now for the next chapter. Please enjoy.  
Lust: Or I'll be forced to take action.

* * *

**SEVEN: ****Ups And Downs**  
**AKA "Don't Let Paranoia Get You Killed Or Complain When You Get Bathed"**

* * *

Risty May's P.O.V.

* * *

"Feel better?" Alphonse asked.

I nodded, closing the restroom door behind me. "I even did a pretty good job, considering I had my eyes squeezed shut."

Alphonse sweatdropped. "Uh...all right..." He obviously didn't know what to say to that.

"When will we get to Central?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Another hour or so," Alphonse said, turning to go back to our booth. I followed, thinking things over. Mainly, about being able to transmute without a circle. I _knew _what the criteria for that was, and I had thought that I didn't meet standards. So how had I busted up the lab back at Biexilde?

I was still pondering it when we sat down in our booth. Roy and Riza had gone back to their own seats. Absently I shrugged off the red coat and, after a moments, thought, the white gloves. "Hey Al," I said, "I think I wanna try something."

Alphonse tilted his head slightly as I dropped one of the gloves in my lap. Praying I didn't somehow blow up the train, I clapped my hands together, wincing at the sting from my chimera bites. I touched the glove, and it glowed blue. I felt a hint of satisfaction, until the glove expanded abruptly, like a balloon in fast-forward. Then, with a quiet _toof_, it burst. Little strips of white glove sailed into the air and dropped around us as we stared at each other.

"Uh...whoops," I offered lamely.

Al stared at me as I sheepishly picked up all the pieces of glove and piled them in my lap. "Um, not to sound mean," he said, "but what were you trying to _do_?"

"Ummm, I'm not sure. Change it's shape, I guess."

Alphonse sweatdropped. "Okay, first lesson in alchemy: have a _specific _idea of what you want to do before you start a transmutation."

I decided that made a good first lesson as I looked down at the poor busted glove.

"Okay, so why don't you try again? This time, try to focus on putting it back together," Al suggested.

I nodded and clapped my hands, touching the pile of glove pieces. They started to glow blue again, and I watched in amazement as the pieces pulled themselves together underneath my fingers. The light faded, and I lifted my hands, expecting to see a perfectly fixed glove.

Instead I saw a mass of white cloth with weird peaky and tucked parts. It was like someone had taken all the pieces, put them in a pile, and randomly sewed like a madman, leaving a big mess. I tried to put my hand in it and managed to jam in about half a finger.

"...Here, give it to me." Alphonse held out a hand, and I dropped the cloth monstrosity into it. He sighed. "I'll fix it once we get to Central."

"Okay," I agreed meekly, pulling the other glove on over my automail. "Sorry, Al."

"It's okay." We sat in silence for a few moments. I watched the scenery whiz by, absently drumming my fingers on my knee.

"So...what's it like?"

"Eh?" I looked up at Alphonse. "What's what like?"

"You know, being a girl in a boy's body. Is it strange?" Alphonse seemed genuinely curious.

I shrugged. "Hearing my own words in a guy's voice is kinda odd, but if I don't think about it too much, I guess it's not _so _weird."

"Really?" Alphonse sounded surprised.

I nodded. "Yeah. If I don't dwell on it too much, I'm good. But now I'll be thinking about it all day!"

Al laughed. "Sorry. I couldn't help but wonder."

I laughed too.

* * *

When we arrived at Central, I followed Al off the train. Before I knew it, Roy and Riza were with us. "We're going straight to Headquarters," Roy told us.

"Okay." Al and I nodded. Roy led us outside, where Jean Havoc was waiting with a car. We all squeezed in (having to squeeze because of poor Al) and Havoc drove us to Headquarters.

"So," I said once the four of us "on the inside" had convened in Roy's office, "What do we do next? Do I need to keep going on missions to not raise suspicion?"

"I'll take care of that," Roy said, intertwining his fingers. "You know what happened in Biexilde, and the chances of that happening again are pretty high."

"Oh yeah." I smiled sheepishly.

"Until we can solve this problem, you'll stay right here in Central, where I can keep an eye on you," Roy said.

Riza and Al nodded, but I bit my lip. "Are you sure?" I asked. "I won't get you or Ed in trouble with the higher-ups, will I?"

Roy smiled, and my face turned red. (What? Roy's a cute character) "Don't worry, I'll take care of that," he said. "You just make sure you keep a low profile. We don't need anyone else finding out about this."

"Well, not to sound condescending or anything, but if Ed acts a little off, I don't think anyone's mind is going to jump to 'OMG, he must have had his body taken over by a teenage girl named Risty May'," I pointed out.

Roy shrugged. "Maybe, maybe not."

"The point is to be careful," Riza said.

I nodded. "Okay."

"While I'm covering for you, I expect you to be searching for a solution," Roy went on.

"Well, yeah, of course," I said, "but, um, you've probably figured out I'm not as smart as Ed. If the answer we're looking for is something alchemy-related, then, you better get someone else to do it." I was thinking of the poor glove.

Al stepped up next to me. "I'll be helping you, remember?" he told me.

"And I don't make it a habit to abandon 14-year-old girls," Roy said. (The nerve! I'm not just 14, I'm almost 15!) "I'll have Lieutenant Hawkeye help you, and if you keep me updated, I'll do what I can on my end. Are we clear?"

We all saluted and shouted out, "Yes sir!" Then Alphonse bent down a bit. "Tilt your hand a little higher," he whispered to me.

"Oh. Sorry. Thanks." I tweaked my hand up a couple of notches.

* * *

That night...

"How's your arm?" Alphonse asked.

"Hmm?" I looked up from the alchemy book I was attempting to read. We were in the Elric dorm thing in Headquarters. "Which one? They both got hurt a bit."

Alphonse came over. "Well, I meant the left one, but let me see the automail."

I pushed up my right sleeve. I hadn't actually taken a good look at it, but now I did as Alphonse examined it. There were several tooth-shaped dents in the forearm plate (the one Ed makes his blade from). None of them seemed too deep, but there were enough to make it look bad.

"Do we need to get it fixed?" I asked.

"We can just transmute the dents out," Alphonse said. Seeing my face, he quickly added, "I'll do it, of course."

We silently turned to look at my gloves, lying on top of the red coat on the table. Al had fixed the one I had destroyed, and it looked good as new.

Al sketched a circle on a piece of paper and laid my automail over it. He put his hands to the circle, and it and my arm began to glow. When the light faded, the dents were gone.

"Hey, that's better," I said lightly, flexing my automail.

Al chuckled. "So, how's the other arm?"

"Oh, it's okay. Stings if I touch it, but it's not so bad." I smiled up at him. "Now that I think about it, I probably must've scared you a lot when the chimera bit me, with all the screaming and crying and stuff."

Alphonse nodded. "I was a little worried. Brother's never sounded that frantic before."

"I'm sorry," I said. "I let my emotions mow me over, and I was scared and upset, and I wanted my mom." I ducked my head, feeling tears stinging.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, and looked up to see Al. "It's okay," he said comfortingly. "At least you weren't hurt any worse. And now you're not keeping the truth all to yourself. It's gonna be okay."

I sniffled up my tears and nodded. "Yeah, you're right. I say tomorrow we go to that national library thing. You guys are always finding answers there, right?"

Alphonse laughed. "I guess you're right about that. I'm not sure if we'll find any answer for _this _particular problem, but it's worth a look, right?"

"Right!" I agreed, turning to grab the alchemy book. At that moment I saw something flash past the window. It was so quick, I wasn't sure I had really seen anything.

But I had.

* * *

Over the next few days, Alphonse and I spent our time discussing theories and solutions, and reading alchemy books the size of large-print Bibles. Roy, true to his word, didn't send us on any missions, and sometimes he sent Riza to join us for updates and further theory discussion and giant-alchemy-book-reading.

Unfortunately, the end of the week came and went without any headway. Since as far as we knew, this was the first case of bodysnatching ever, we had no one else's experience to draw on. Alchemy didn't seem to be the answer, so what was?

In the meantime, I had gotten used to ducking Ed's usual acquaintances. Since I didn't want to have anyone else accidentally finding out, I figured it was best to keep my distance from others. Doing this involved pretending I didn't see Havoc one time in the hall, hiding in a broom closet when Kain Fuery and Heymans Breda walked by, and flat out running from Alex Louis Armstrong (though in my defense, he was trying to hug me).

Along with ducking Ed's pals, I was also trying to get a grip on alchemy. Alphonse was nice enough to try and teach me the basics, but I just had a hard time grasping proper transmutations. More often than not I merely blew up whatever I was attempting to transmute, or transmuted it into its dust form. Alphonse was nice and patient, even though I really didn't make any headway. But at least we had good laugh over the stuff I blew up or disintegrated.

I even got accustomed to the "shower without looking" and the "potty break without looking" routine. I had become very efficient, though I also hummed and sang quite loudly to distract myself. Edward actually has a good singing voice. He should use it more often. Or use it period.

However, the passage of time slipped my notice a bit. I suddenly realized how long it had been when us four "on the inside" were convened in Roy's office, and I caught a glimpse of the calendar.

"Holy schnikey!" I cried, accidentally cutting Roy off as he talked about...something. "It's been two weeks!"

That prompted the others to stare at me.

"Uh...I meant it's been two weeks since I woke up as Ed," I clarified, my face red.

"Hmm. Has it?" Roy commented, like we had been talking about the weather and I mentioned it had been cloudy lately.

"I wonder if Brother's okay," Al said aloud.

There was a moment's silence as we considered Ed's fate. Was he okay? Did he know what was going on? Was he trying to fix it on his end?

Speaking of which...

"Did I tell you guys about my dream?" I asked.

They shook their heads. "It was last night, and it was freaky," I said. "I was, like, flying through this dark tunnely thing, and I felt weird, like I was missing something. Then I looked up, and I was, like, watching this image of a transparent Ed fall into me, I mean, an image of me asleep. It was like..." I trailed off, about to say, "Like Episode 50," but I realized that would mean nothing to them. "...Weird," I finally finished, rather lamely.

I was still being stared at. "Um," I floundered, "and anyway, then I looked down and I realized _I _was transparent too, and I was suddenly, like, dive-bombing into Ed's body in the hospital."

Silence. "Like I said...it was reeeally freaky," I finished nervously, about ready to crawl under a rock.

"...Really?" Al said, sounding amazed.

Roy and Riza exchanged glances before Roy spoke. "Is it possible that that wasn't really a dream? That you were in fact recalling?"

"You mean you think Ed's in my body right now?" I said. "And, like, in my worl...uh oh."

"What?"

"Hah, pancakes!" I said cheerfully, using my ultimate subject-changer.

The other occupants of the room sweatdropped at my random remark.

What I was thinking was, could it be possible, if Ed really had taken over my body like I had his, that my mom and dad and Zoe might think he was still me? What if he was wrecking my _life_? It had been two weeks, enough time for spring break to end. Was he in school as me, getting in fights because people called me short, flunking history quizzes, causing a general ruckus? I fervently prayed to whoever they had over here that he had been found out.

"Okay, so let's say me and Ed _did _switch bodies," I said, suddenly swerving back on topic. "What now? How do we switch back?"

Roy looked deep in thought. "It looks like we'll have to do some more research with that theory in mind," Alphonse pointed out.

"Yeah. Maybe we'll actually find something."

"Actually," Roy spoke up, talking to me, "would you mind waiting outside for a moment? I'd like to speak to Alphonse privately."

"Uh, sure. I mean, no. I mean, yeah, I'll go." I hated all those "do you mind" questions. They always tripped me up. I left Roy's office, and then left the outer office thing.

So I waited. And waited. And waited. I started to get fidgety, then I started thinking that they still didn't trust me, which was why they sent me out. Then I started thinking of all the reasons they wouldn't trust me, like, oh, I don't know, _hijacking Ed's body or something_.

I sighed heavily, realizing I was getting paranoid. My solution for that is take a walk. (Except in school; I can't just get up and walk out) So I patted myself down for paper and something to write with.

Just then, Kain Fuery walked by. "Hey!" I greeted. "You wouldn't happen to have a pencil, paper, and something adhesive, would you?"

Fuery seemed surprised that I was talking to him (Maybe because of the broom closet thing). "Well, sure, Major," he said, producing everything except the adhesive. "I'm afraid I don't have the, er, adhesive."

"Oh, that's okay," I said, scribbling a note.

Roy and others:

I was getting paranoid, so I went 4 a walk. If I'm not back in 20 mins, please come and get me, as I am likely having a nervous breakdown.

-RM aka EE aka FMA

"Give that to the colonel as soon as he gets out, okay?" I said. "And don't peek at it."

"Well, sure, but-"

"Bye!" I took off down the hall, needing fresh air, as I was beginning to suspect Fuery knew who I was.

What? I already said I was getting paranoid.

* * *

It was a nice day outside, and I reveled in the fresh air that calmed my paranoia and made me unreasonably happy. I walked a straight line from Headquarters so I wouldn't get lost, enjoying the sunshine and the outdoors and generally getting in a good mood. In the spirit of the moment, my own spirits soared, and my optimism was high. I could hear the birds chirping, and at any second Snow White could've started singing soprano, and I'd have nodded my head to the music and smiled.

In other words, I was in a really good mood. I actually skipped a couple of times, before reminding myself I was Edward and stopping. When I had been walking about thirty minutes, I finally decided to turn around and go back, figuring that the others were done talking by now, and possibly wondering if they needed to come get me (because of the whole nervous breakdown thing). So I spun around a couple of times, eventually pointing myself in the right direction, and started back. "Why can't it be sunny every day?" I asked of the sky.

Sad to say, the sky didn't answer. But that was okay.

"Full Metal Alchemist Edward Elric."

I froze, my breath catching. A chill rattled down my back like dozens of ice cubes. _No, _I thought fearfully. _It can't be. No. Oh no ohnonononononono_!

With fear and dread, I turned slowly, only to have my worst fears confirmed.

Scar stood a few feet away, sunglasses on, mouth set in a determined scowl. My eyes were wide with fear, and I could feel both my arms trembling against my sides. "Scar," I said, my voice barely able to keep steady.

"You have evaded judgment long enough," Scar said, his right hand raising as he advanced.

I gasped, and my breath caught in my throat. "No!" I burst out. I whirled and ran, intent on getting back to Headquarters and safety.

Then there was an electrical crackle behind me. I risked a look back and saw Scar touching the wall we had been beside. A current raced through the wall and made it explode in front of me. I screamed and shielded my face with my automail, not wanting to get pummeled by debris. I heard footsteps behind me and ran into the alley to my right.

_Got to get away, _I thought, running for all I was worth. Ed's speed helped, and I was fairly flying down the alley, looking for a left turn. Finally I came across one, and I swerved into it. I was about halfway down when I screeched to a halt, realizing it was a dead end.

"Oh no," I groaned aloud, my breath coming faster. I whirled, hoping to backtrack before Scar got there.

Too late. Scar blocked the only way out, half his face in shadow.

I swallowed hard, feeling my knees lock up. I wanted to beg him not to blow my brains out, literally, but I had a feeling he wasn't someone I could reason with. I felt tears stinging, and thought that maybe it was okay to cry over my impending death.

Scar must have seen the fear all over my face, because he said, "It is the will of God that you face judgment," as he approached. Like that was supposed to comfort me, or something!

I tried to take deep, calming breaths, but as Scar got closer my legs failed me and I went down on my butt, my legs making an M shape on either side of me. My breath was starting to hitch. "Please, before you nuke his brain, I mean my brain," I said haltingly, suddenly clinging to a new hope, "please listen. I'm not who you think I am."

"You are the Full Metal Alchemist," Scar stated, like "duh".

"No! No I'm not! Honest!" I cried, waving my hands frantically. "I know it sounds totally psycho, but I believe Ed and I switched bodies! I'm just a 14-year-old who can't do a lick of alchemy. If-if you bomb my brains, you'll be killing an innocent kid!"

Scar's scowl remained firmly in place, but his hand did stop its descent to my face. Maybe it was because I was trembling, or maybe because I had tears in my eyes, or such desperation in my voice, or the fact that I had used the words "totally" and "nuke".

"Explain yourself," Scar commanded.

And so, in a halting voice, I gave him a condensed version of The Story. During this time, Scar didn't drop his hand, but at least he didn't put it on my face.

"Now, all I'm trying to do is get back home," I said. "Once we switch back, you can try and blow up Ed all you want. Just, please, not now, please."

Scar was analyzing my face. I couldn't tell what he was thinking because of those conforking sunglasses. "Why should I believe this?" he said.

"Well, it's pretty darn elaborate to be a lie!" I said tearfully.

Scar seemed to consider, then finally, _finally_, let his hand drop, much to my relief. "Very well," he said gravely. "You manner does seem a bit unusual. But if you are lying, may God have mercy on your soul."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and scrambled to my feet. "Thank you," I said breathlessly. "I don't know what'll happen if I die in Ed's body. We might both die. I don't wanna find out."

Scar didn't look like he cared too deeply as he turned to leave. Then, just when I thought I was in the clear, an all-too-familiar voice rang out.

"Going to let her go, then? Very well. _I'll _take her."

It was Envy. And now, like in my dream, he _knew_.

* * *

(Edward's P.O.V.)

* * *

After dinner, Zoe, now sulkily silent, went into the computer room, to check for the psycho girl's response, as she claimed. I helped Rose Fernandez clean up and wash the dishes.

"You make an excellent pasta, Edward," Rose said cheerfully.

"Uh, thank you," I said, a little humbled by the praise.

Rose smiled as she carefully folded up the dishtowel and hung it on a bar attached to the fridge. "Well, now I suppose we get ready for bed," she said. Catching my alarmed look, she went on, "don't worry; baths don't take too long. And if you've ever been in the hospital, sometimes they wash you there."

I remembered all right. It was one of the many reasons I hate hospitals. Still, it wouldn't be fair to Risty May to collect up stink so she had a hard job to do when she got back. I'd suffer through getting bathed, and I would make sure I didn't look.

"Okay," I sighed, "then let's get this over with."

Rose gave me an encouraging pat on the shoulder and guided me out of the kitchen and down the hall to Risty May's room. She hit the overhead light and pointed towards the bathroom. "Go on in there and get ready," she said, the underlying tone being _go in there and take off your clothes_. "Knock on the door when you're ready and I'll come in."

I walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind me. For only the second time today I looked into a mirror and saw a completely different face. The girl staring back at me looked pretty nervous, and her cheeks were flushed. I grabbed a hand towel and draped it over the mirror, not wanting to accidentally sneak a peek.

With a sigh, I kicked off the shoes and pulled the shirt over my head. I tried to think about other things and made sure I didn't look down as I took off the pants. _I wonder what Al's doing right now, _I thought, closing my eyes and trying to find the seam on the...ugh, I can't even say it.

...Um, okay? "Shoulder boulder holder"? What the hell kind of crude name is that?

Moving on. I tried to find the dumb seam, and it was in the back. I had to twist my arms into a very uncomfortable position to reach the little hooks, all while making sure I thought of other things. _I hope he's okay. He can probably take care of himself. But I wonder if anyone actually knows what's going on. Is Risty May playing me? Or does Al know what's going on? If he does, are they trying to figure this out like I am? _I realized they were probably at a disadvantage, since neither of them knew the things I had learned from Zoe and Rose.

That meant it was most likely up to me to sort this whole mess out. It wasn't anything new-I tackle problems by myself all the time-but this certain problem was in a league all its own. However, Rose herself had been able to switch back, with help from her older brother, so that meant there _was _a way out. But how?

By this time I had managed to take everything off, and now, with my eyes squeezed shut so hard it almost hurt, I felt my way to the door and knocked on it. Seconds later, the door opened.

"Ready?" Rose's voice asked me.

I nodded, and she took my hand and led me away. Then she helped me sit down on the edge of the tub and turned on the water.

"This brings back memories, you know," Rose said over the rush of the water. "I used to bathe Risty May all the time. She loved it. It was fun mom-and-daughter time for both of us."

I waited for relevant memories to surface, but none did. It must have been too early on in Risty May's life.

"In fact," Rose went on, draping a towel over me so I could look, "when I was in Sailor Moon's body that was one of the things I missed most." She had put a stopper in the tub, and it was now about halfway full.

"Did any of this sailor's friends find out what had happened?" I asked.

Rose sat on the edge of the tub next to me, keeping an eye on the water level. "Only two. Her friend Rei and her cat, Luna."

"Cat?" I repeated.

"Yes. She talks." Rose saw my skeptical look and smiled. "Talking animals are very popular in children's shows. Certainly there's something like that in your world?"

I sighed. "Unfortunately, yes, but they aren't as friendly-sounding." I proceeded to tell her a bit about chimeras, leaving out some of the more confusing parts.

"Hmm," Rose said, looking deep in thought. "That seems cruel to the animals being combined."

"It is," I agreed. "That's why it's supposed to be illegal, but people do it anyway."

Rose absently turned off the faucets. The tub was nearly full. "Do these...'chimeras' run wild?" she asked.

"If you're thinking about Risty May, then don't worry," I said. "There aren't any chimeras in Central. She'll be fine."

Rose nodded, then motioned to the tub. "Well, hop in," she said.

I looked down at the water and paled, realizing I was going to have to take off the towel.

* * *

"I am not scarred for life. I am not scarred for life. I am not scarred for life."

"Oh, stop being so dramatic!" Zoe snapped, looking a little irritable. She had changed into an oversized purple nightshirt and white pajama pants with vertical blue stripes. "It's just a bath, jeez!"

"Easy for you to say!" I snapped right back, now in clean underwear. I had an oversized nightshirt wrapped around me as I sat on Risty May's bed and Zoe looked for something for me to wear for the night; the scary thing about the nightshirt was that there was a giant headshot of my face on it. "I _hate _other people bathing me!"

Zoe made a "tch!" noise as she pulled open a dresser drawer filled with socks, underwear, and the BSH things. "Well, then, why didn't you do it yourself?" she said, slamming the drawer shut and opening another.

"You know why!" I said. "You made a big stink about it at dinner!"

Sitting behind me, Rose was combing my wet hair and talking on her phone at the same time. From what I gathered, it was Risty May's dad checking in, and Rose talked to him easily as Zoe and I argued. "Yes, dear...no, Risty May did not say the 'A' word, honey, you know her...that was Zoe...as far as I know, she's still just as 'evil'..."

"Well then, stop whining about it!" Zoe said, pulling out a set of red pajamas. She tossed them at me, and I caught them, scowling at her. "Whatever happened to 'I can't get mad at my Risty May' huh?" I challenged.

Zoe glared at me. "Now that I've gotten used to such a sweet girl being replaced by a foul-mouthed prick, I don't mind," she said.

"Who're _you _calling foulmouthed?" I demanded.

"YES, DEAR, WE'RE ALL GETTING ALONG SWIMMINGLY," Rose said loudly into the phone.

Zoe and I fell silent, Zoe not looking at me as she picked out something for me to wear tomorrow. I pulled the red pajama top over my head. When I had it on, I looked down and was surprised to see the Flamel symbol on the front. Huh. But that wasn't nearly as surprising as when I put on the pants and found an Ouroborus mark on the left ankle.

These pajamas kind of creeped me out.

"Okay...all right...I love you too...don't kill your boss...bye-bye." Rose hung up and put all her effort into combing my hair. "Seriously, you two, you couldn't stop fighting for a minute?' she scolded.

Zoe sighed. "Short Stuff's the one causing the ruckus," she said.

"?" I yelled.

"Zoe," Rose said warningly, "stop that. You've done that three times."

"I can't help it. He's getting on my nerves. And he's so goadable," Zoe replied.

"Oh, shut up!" I snapped, crossing my arms. "You're really immature!"

"_Me_?" Zoe exclaimed. "Oh, yeah right, Mr. Napoleon Complex!"

"Who or what the hell is a napoleon!" I yelled.

Rose picked up her spray bottle and squirted us both in the face before we could blink. "Stop it now!" she ordered. "I might not be either of your parents, but you will not disrupt the peace of this household a second longer!"

Zoe and I both stopped talking and looked down guiltily at our hands.

"Now if we're going to get through this and bring Risty May back home, we have to work together," Rose said. "Nothing is going to be solved by the two of you yelling at each other at ten o'clock at night. Now, from this point on, let's make an effort _not_ to fight, all right?"

"All right," I agreed.

"Okay," Zoe sighed, pulling out a muted orange v-neck. She draped it over the denim shorts already over her arm and held them out to me. "Here. Wear this tomorrow."

I took the clothes and looked down at them as Rose parted my hair and started to braid it. "Thanks," I said.

"Yeah, yeah." Zoe started picking up the clothes she had been flinging around. Her eyes fell on the picture, _Me and Zoe at the Two Thirds Concert, May '06_, wedged in the full-length mirror's frame, and her eyes saddened for a second before she went back to picking up clothes.

* * *

Zilo: (still struggling to get free) Guys! This is so unfair!  
Al: Did you know that line Envy used was something Zilo said while playing Envy in something called a "role-play"?  
Ed: Nope. Didn't really care either.  
Envy: I'm telling you, if we just killed this Zilo person-  
Zoe: That's kind of out of the question.  
Winry: Hmm, what's this? (hovering over Zilo's laptop)  
Zilo: (thrashes) DON'T TAKE THAT APART!  
Roy: (waves smugly) Bye, everyone.  
Risty: (on his left) Read the omake, please!  
Lust: (on his right) Or I'll get ugly.

* * *

OMAKE THEATER

(This stems from my way of shorthand writing whenever I can't get to a computer. I pretty much write like in an IM. It's quicker and takes up less space.)

"Plz, b4 u nuke his brain, I mean my brain," I said haltingly, suddenly clinging 2 new hope, "plz listen. I'm not who u think I am."

"U R the FMA," Scar stated.

"OMG RLY?" I replied.

Scar nodded. "YARLY!" He winked.

I stuck out my tongue.

He tilted his mouth in a lopsided frown.

I grinned.

He grinned and winked.

I squeezed my eyes shut and stuck out my tongue.

He cried.

I sweatdropped.

He made a devil face at me.

I opened my eyes wide and sweatdropped.

"DRAMA LLAMA!" Scar cried, running towards me, hand outstretched.

"CHEESE WITH WINE!" I screamed, trying to scale the wall.

Nothing happened. I peered over my shoulder and saw Scar ROFL. So, I LMAO.

It fell to the ground with a thud.


	8. Fighting For Two

Risty: Hmm. Cousin Zilo's a bit tied up! Who'll do the responses?  
Zilo: Just because I'm tied to a chair doesn't mean I can't talk! We can still do this! Now, **lana-rinreed, Oucast Martyr, **thank you sooo very much! I appreciate your kind words!

Risty: (watches) Annora-san's my hero! (looks adoringly at Annora)  
Envy: (bangs on the sealed lid of the dumpster)  
Zilo: **Wandering Hitokiri, **I think Annora has a new admirer! (points at sparkly-eyed Risty May)  
Zoe: It's what he deserves, little crossdressing prick!

Zilo: Thank you, **unfortnateforever **and **Half Human Homunculi**! I am so glad the two of you liked the Omake. **uf**, your compliments make me so happy! And **HHH**, yeah, he did. You know how Scar's so into sci-fi, so it's not a stretch...XD

Risty: **writingdreamer**, thank you for your kindness!  
Zilo: CAKE! (starts eating without utensils)  
Risty: (sweatdrops) Um...anyway, thanks also for the luck! I'll try!

Zilo: (jumps up) I'm free! Thanks, **Maire blaze**!  
Envy: (who is plot-holedly out of the dumpster) (takes the opportunity to slam Zilo back into the chair and tie her back up) Being tied up's a plot point, remember, stupid?  
Zilo: (pouts) Well, fine. I STILL GET A COOKIE! (takes cookie with her mouth and starts gnawing on it)  
Ed: I REALLY DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK.  
Risty: That's mean! No glazed cookie bar for you! (smiles at **Mb**) Yes, I always use pancakes, but spam and pudding are good too! And I know what you mean! Paranoid people like me probably have it right!  
(others enjoy their cookie bars)  
Envy: (eye twitches angrily) I'm...going to pretend you didn't say that. Don't EVER say it again.  
Zilo: (mouth full of two kinds of cookie) Burt urnt urt tru? (But ain't it true?)  
Envy: SHUT UP!

Zilo: Oh, well, that explains everything then! Thanks, **Koinu-chan**!  
Ed: ?  
Risty: Hey!  
Ed: AND WHAT KINDA FREAK ARE YOU?  
Zilo: (sweatdrops)  
Zoe: (covers Risty May's eyes)  
Zilo: Uh, but thanks again anyhow!

* * *

Risty: Cake, then two cookies! Hmm...if Zilo eats anything else sweet, won't she get sugar high...?  
(Nervous looks go around the room)  
Zilo: Hey readers! If I let you read this chapter, will you untie me?

* * *

**EIGHT: ****Fighting For Two**  
**AKA "Don't Let Ed's Body Die Or Go Alone"**

* * *

Risty May's P.O.V.

* * *

Scar and I both whirled to see Envy standing casually on the ledge of the building to our left, smirking down at us.

"You're like a conforking _stalker_!" I found myself exclaiming at him.

"You," Scar said in the same dangerous tone he had just been using with me, "unholy creature. You're another of them, aren't you?"

"By 'them' I assume you mean a Homunculus, scarred one?" Envy said smugly. He jumped and landed in the alley a few feet away from us. "Why don't you run along and murder some State Alchemists, hmm?"

Scar didn't look compelled to do any such thing.

"What do you want?" I asked.

"You know, it was _so _entertaining to hear your little story again," Envy said to me. "It was so good the first time, I just _had _to pass it on to someone I know. This someone now wants to meet you and talk in-depth about the whole body switching matter."

I blinked. "Really? Well, I'm not all that awesome a storyteller..."

Okay, so I had a dumb moment. Stop being mean. It can happen to anyone.

Envy raised a brow. "Does it matter?" he said. "Now, are you going to come quietly, or do I have to get rough?" It sounded like he would enjoy getting rough and would take any excuse he could get to be rough. Jerk.

"You will not leave here, Homunculus," Scar said, taking a menacing step closer, his right fingers curled like claws. I had no problems flattening myself against the wall as he advanced on Envy, who looked mildly peeved at having to beat up Scar. Envy shoved me down on the ground, saying, "Don't go anywhere, kid."

I fell on my butt. "Ow!" I said, but I was being ignored. Envy and Scar stepped towards each other.

"You don't want to mess with me, Ishbalan," Envy said dangerously, his playful mood gone.

In response, Scar lunged at him, right hand outstretched. Envy easily dodged the attack, and Scar blew a crater into the wall behind him. I ducked under flying debris and decided to use the cloud of dust as cover to get away. I got on my hands and knees and started to crawl to what I hoped was safety.

Before I knew it, I had been kicked in the face. "Didn't I _say _don't go anywhere?" Envy said in an exasperated tone as I cried out and clutched my now throbbing nose and eye.

Scar, taking advantage of the distraction, tried to palm Envy's face again, but Envy was too quick. I watched through one eye as, in a flash, he dodged and used a roundhouse kick to knock Scar to the ground. At this point I tried to crawl away again, but Envy caught me by the hem of my coat and slung me through the air. I hit a wall back first, pain shooting through my back and shoulder, and let out a whimper as I dropped to the ground.

"You don't listen too well, do you kid?" Envy said, picking me up and slinging me over a shoulder. He had me facing forward, maybe because he didn't want to look at Edward-butt.

"I don't wanna go!" I managed to gasp, weakly pounding his chest with my automail fist.

"Oh, suck it up," Envy told me, turning to jump out of the alley. I looked down and saw a hand wrap around Envy's ankle.

I have to say, for someone who had their lower leg obliterated, Envy showed great strength of character. All he said was, "UGH!" and he dropped to one knee. I twisted around a bit to see Scar getting to his feet, looking a little off-balance.

Before anyone could say boo, Envy's leg regenerated itself, layer by layer. He (Envy, not the leg) threw a murderous glare at Scar as he stood and without further ado kneed Scar in the gut. "Congratulations, you've officially pissed me off," he hissed, kicking Scar in the face.

"Stop, you'll kill him!" I cried as Envy delivered repeated blows to Scar's face and stomach area.

"Shut up," Envy snapped, about to beat Scar unconscious.

"Envy!"

The kickaholic paused from where he was about to stomp Scar's face, and he and I looked over to see Lust. "We can't kill him yet," she stated. "He still has some use."

Envy sighed, seeming to be officially de-pissed. "Yeah, yeah." He lowered his foot and walked over to Lust.

There may be a question as to why I just hung out on my perch over Envy's shoulder, instead of trying to fight or get away. Oh, maybe because, I don't know, _I got kicked in the face and thrown against a wall_. Besides, how could I fight off someone as tough as Envy? Even alchemy wouldn't help me; I could only blow things up or turn them to dust.

Hmm...

Inspiration struck, and I clapped my hands together. Envy, seeing me out of the corner of his eye, reached out lightning fast to grab my wrists, but I quickly slammed both palms into his chest, going for nothing in particular.

It worked. Envy's chest went _boom_. Envy let out another, more drawn out "UUUUUUGH!" and I used my Ed-agility to flip myself off his shoulder. I somehow curled myself into a backwards somersault, scrambled to my feet, and took off, regretfully stepping over Scar.

Unfortunately, then the thingies came into play.

...If you're going to laugh at me, you can just leave. Fine. They're called fingernails? Okay. Jeez.

So, the _fingernails _were suddenly around me. There were five-two at each side, one at each shoulder, and one at my neck. They were so close to my body that one move might have Shishkabobed me, and I didn't want that. I froze, not turning to look for fear of losing my neck, but knowing it must be Lust pinning me in place.

Lust's heels clicked on the ground, and I heard the nearly silent footsteps of Envy with her. "You're not going anywhere," Lust said to me.

Envy rounded to face me, his chest just finishing up its regeneration. There was smoldering anger in his eyes, and it didn't take me long to figure out that I hadn't accomplished anything but to piss Envy off. I swallowed hard, anticipating pain, and no sooner had I begun to anticipate than Envy's fist shot out and connected with my stomach. All the air was forced from my lungs, like a twisted Heimlich, and I swear I saw stars. I felt my body give way, and dimly felt fear of being sliced to pieces, but Lust seemed to have retracted her deadly nails.

I thought I would hit the ground, but Envy seemed to have caught me. He slung me over his shoulder again, sparing no gentleness, and my poor abused stomach complained. I got a wonderful glimpse of Envy's naked torso before I passed out.

* * *

I seemed to have trouble retaining consciousness. I woke up again briefly, long enough to note that I was on someone's back and some lady was saying something along the lines of "Yes, the poor dear's so tired I couldn't bear to wake him," and then I passed out again.

The next time I woke up I managed to stay awake long enough to figure out that I was on a train and lying down somewhere with my hands tied behind my back. I could hear Lust, and she was saying, "But that sounds so incredible," and then Envy was saying, "Yeah, well, I wouldn't have believed it either if it weren't for..." then he rattled off some list of stuff.

Then Lust was like, "So where do you think her body is now?" And Envy was all, "Don't know, don't care," and then I could sense that somebody was near me, and I heard a stomach growl, and then Lust said, "_No_, Gluttony. You'll eat later, but you can't have her," and the presence moved away.

Creepy.

Anyway, I blacked out again, and the next time I woke up it was because someone was smacking me.

"Wake up, kid," Envy said in an almost jolly voice, slapping my face. "We're here."

"Mmuh?" I grumbled, not fully aware yet. "Where's here?"

The narrow thing I was lying on jostled, and I realized it was Envy's shoulder, and he was trying to shake me awake. I shook my head and blinked, clearing the fog in my mind, and realized that we were somewhere.

Okay, don't be mean. That statement isn't as stupid as it sounds.

What I meant was we weren't in the alley or on the train anymore. We were in some kind of big house where sun was shining through windows and junk. It seemed vaguely familiar, and I had to force myself to focus. I'd seen it before, but I didn't know where.

Envy sighed, sounding exasperated, and dropped me. I fell on my butt, getting jarred awake. "Ow! Hey!" I snapped up at him, rubbing my tail.

"We're here, which means I don't have to carry you around anymore," Envy commented, grabbing the hood of my coat and pulling me to my feet. He shoved me towards two double doors. "And if you try any more alchemy, we're tearing off a limb. One of the _real_ ones. Got it, brat?"

I flinched and turned to stare at him, noticing that Lust and Gluttony were with him as well. "Y-Yeah. I got it," I mumbled, unconsciously rubbing my still sore head.

Envy smiled unpleasantly. "Good. Now go." He shoved me again in the direction of the double doors. I stumbled forward, but caught the clue and stepped up to them, pushing them open.

The room was big, and it looked darn familiar. In a chair facing one of the windows, I saw an old person's head over the back. As I walked into the room, Envy's presence close behind to assure I didn't do...whatever, the old person stood and turned to face me, revealing an old lady. I drew in my breath as I realized why this place was familiar, and why this woman looked familiar too.

It was Dante.

LeForge!

(Sorry, bad inside joke)

"Well well, so you're the one I've heard so much about," Old Lady Dante (as I call her) said, her voice and her smile deceptively friendly. "I apologize if your invitation here was a bit forced, but I simply had to meet you."

I blinked. "Well, you've got a painful way of showing it," I commented, rubbing my head. I hoped to channel Zoe's spirit so I didn't burst into tears right then and there. It became a WWZD moment (and I'm sure you've guessed what that Z is).

"My apologies. The Homunculi aren't known for their gentleness."

Behind me, Envy snorted, and I grimaced. "Well, okay, I'm here, so what do you want? I've pretty much figured out that it isn't because you're lonely."

"You're quite the smart girl," Old Lady Dante said. She paused for a moment, and then said, "You are a girl, correct?"

I nodded, figuring it didn't hurt if she knew that.

"And what's your name, hmm?"

I was beginning to wonder where the evil plot was going to show itself, but I figured playing along for now, and playing partially stupid, might help me. I hoped they would underestimate my smarts and I could slip away and escape. After all, this was Dublith, or near it, right? Izumi would be here somewhere, and if I could convince her to join the five "on the inside" maybe I could survive long enough to find a solution to my original problem.

"Risty May," I said. "Risty for short. Hey, umm, so what do you want from me anyhow? If you want something, you should know that I'm not too happy about your palm tree _kicking me in the face_." As I said this I turned and looked pointedly at Envy. His brow twitched, and I saw Lust blink in surprise.

Oh. I bet no one had called him "palm tree" before now. Whatever.

"Some things simply can't be avoided," Dante said, appearing totally unfazed by the palm tree thing. Envy, however, looked like he was considering impaling me. "Now. Perhaps we should get to the matter of this whole visit."

"Yeah, let's do that," I said, still channeling Zoe's spirit.

"How about you tell me exactly how you came to take control of this body?"

Zoe's spirit vanished like _whoof_. I stared at Dante, making the awesomest impression of a dead fish. "How I...what?" I squeaked.

Dante's smile didn't seem so friendly anymore. "You've been inhabiting Edward Elric's body for two weeks, have you not? And not a single side effect, hmm?"

"Well...I guess not, but..."

"So you'll tell me how you did it," Dante said, as if it were all settled.

"I can't!" I burst out. "I mean, I know, kind of, but not really, and even if I did, you're totally evil, and stuff!"

Dante raised a brow at my rambling, her smiling face otherwise unaltered.

"Look, even if I totally knew how I did it, which I _don't_, and actually shared it with you, which I w_on't_, it probably wouldn't help you at all," I went on. "I'm not even from here. I'm from another dimension. You're not, so it probably wouldn't work on you!"

"Hmm," Dante said.

I didn't know if it was a good "hmm" or a bad "hmm", so I decided to air on the side of caution. "Look, how about you just let me go and I'll get back to Central and pretend I have temporary amnesia?" I suggested.

Dante's smile looked a _lot _less friendly now. "You think I'm going to let you go?" she said, her tone not having changed at all. "I'm afraid you're sorely mistaken, Risty May."

I swallowed hard.

"In fact, I think you know much more than you're telling. And I have no plans of letting you go until I know what you know."

"Hey, I'm just a kid," I said nervously, holding my hands up. "I don't know much of anything. You're wasting your time."

Dante seemed to consider. "Hmm. Perhaps you're right. Perhaps I should just have you killed right now?" She made the slightest of motions, and Envy stepped forward. His arm was now a deadly spike, and he looked practically gleeful to run me through with it.

I gasped, jumping away from him. "No!" I cried, clapping my hands together.

Envy seemed to take that as the perfect opening and leaped at me. I tried to touch him, blow him up like before, but he was ready and dodged both my hands, driving the spike towards my head. I threw myself backwards, barely avoiding it, but Envy corrected and sliced towards me again. I hit the ground, the spike stabbing so close to my ear I felt a sting of pain. Envy pinned me down by sitting on my stomach.

Old Lady Dante held up a hand, and Envy didn't totally decapitate me. "Perhaps you have something useful I might want to hear now?" she said, sounding smug.

My breath was coming in little trembly gasps, a sure sign that I was scared for my life. I forced myself to stay silent, not wanting to aid the evilest of the evil.

Dante shrugged. "Very well."

Envy yanked his spike from the ground, and it changed to a blade. He put it to my neck. "So long, brat," he sneered.

OMG! I'm gonna die! I'm really gonna die!

Then I remembered whose body I was in. I realized that I had no idea what would happen if Envy ended my life here. It was possible that I could just be sent home, and Edward would be left to die. Or we could both die. Either way, someone was dying, and if I let myself die in Ed's body, what would happen to him? I had to protect his body at all costs until I could give it back to him.

"Wait, please!" I cried, hoping it wasn't too late. "Don't kill me! I'll help you! Just don't kill me!"

Dante's smile was so unfriendly it was like an electric fence topped with barbed wire. "Oh will you?"

I was crying now. My fear had stretched not only to my own life, but Edward's as well. How unfair would it be for him to possibly die when he never had a chance to defend himself? "Yes, yes," I said through my tears. "Whatever you want. Just don't kill me."

Dante's eyes glinted briefly with triumph, and she held her hand back up. Envy looked disappointed at not getting to slit my throat, and he threw me a dirty look before standing and pulling the blade away, morphing it back into his hand. "Get up," he ordered.

I did so, scrambling to my feet while wiping tears away. "Now how difficult was that?" Dante said. "Let's all go to the tea room, and we can continue our chat."

* * *

(Edward's P.O.V.)

* * *

My eyes opened to the sight of Zoe's butt. She had on a very uncomfortable-looking, very thin piece of underwear that didn't really cover anything. She was pulling on a pair of dark blue shorts with a flap in the front to make it look like a miniskirt.

I saw all of this in about .3 seconds, before I quickly squeezed my eyes shut. "Zoe, I'm awake!" I yelled accusingly.

"Oh! Sorry, Eddie." There was some rustling, and then, "Okay, you can look."

I warily cracked open an eye. Zoe was kneeling next to the bed, giving me a thumbs-up sign. Along with the miniskort, she had on a sleeveless white shirt under a navy buttoned up vest. I opened the other eye and sat up, sighing. "Didn't that seem like a bad idea, considering the circumstances?" I said.

Zoe shrugged. "I didn't think you'd wake up. Mrs. F said to let you sleep."

"What time is it?" I asked, rubbing my eyes.

"Ten. Why don't you get dressed? Breakfast is almost ready."

Zoe's extra effort to be nice didn't escape my notice. I threw back the covers and swung my legs out of bed. Zoe had laid out the orange shirt and denim shorts she had picked out the night before, along with a short-sleeved denim mini jacket. I picked up the clothes and looked down at them. A brush and comb dropped into my lap, and I looked up at Zoe.

"The hair," she said, tapping her own head. "It's an abomination." She left, shutting the door behind her.

I unconsciously touched my hair, and felt several flyaways. I got dressed quickly, grimacing at the shortness of the shorts, and pulled my hair out of the braid Rose had put it in. I brushed and combed it, and then re-braided it. I caught my reflection in the mirror and decided I had done Risty May's figure justice.

When I got to the kitchen, Zoe was already there, "sampling" some bacon. There was a plate of pancakes and a bowl of bacon, and a jug of orange juice all on the table. Rose Fernandez was just exiting the kitchen area with plates and glasses when she saw me and smiled brightly.

"Good morning, Edward!" she said cheerfully. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah, I guess so," I said, sitting down in the chair I had used before.

Rose put plates and glasses down on each mat. "Good, very good. Every new day is a good one, right?"

"I...guess," I said, not having been asked that question before.

Zoe had finished her bacon and was now appraising my head. "Hmm. It just doesn't look right," she said.

"What doesn't?" I asked.

In response, Zoe grabbed my chair and dragged it over next to hers. "Hey!" I protested, nearly spilling out of it, but Zoe paid me no heed and grabbed the braid I had just done. She started to undo it, despite my protests that it was fine.

"No, it's not," Zoe said, combing her fingers through the loose hair. "It's too boring for Risty May. But I'll fix it." She pulled it into a high ponytail, but it felt like the ponytail was off-center. When finished, she moved over and started again, and then I realized she was doing more than one. I sighed heavily.

"There!" Zoe said when she was finished. She patted the top of my head. "Much more Risty May-like."

"If you say so," I grumbled, scooting my chair back to its place. Zoe reached out and flipped the two high ponytails over my shoulders before I was out of her reach. I glared at her and she gave me a sunny smile.

Rose chuckled. "Don't be sour, Edward. That is one of Risty May's cuter styles. You look fine."

"You ought to try it when you're back in your own body," Zoe teased.

"Hell no!" I said hotly.

Rose dished out pancakes and bacon, and I realized how hungry I was. After all, I had held back at dinner. I noticed Zoe's stares as I ate like I normally do, but Rose just kept smiling and dishing out the pancakes. I appreciated that.

"Hold on," Zoe said a little bit later. "Isn't that your fifteenth pancake?"

I glanced up briefly from where I was pouring syrup. "So?" I asked.

"Are you trying to turn Risty into a _whale_?" Zoe demanded, sounding horrified.

"Zoe, let him eat," Rose instructed.

"But you're not in a guy's body anymore," Zoe protested. "Think about how mad Risty May will be at you if she switches back and has rolling love handles!"

I didn't even pretend to know why a girl would care about...whatever "rolling love handles" are. I shrugged. "Okay, fine. This is my last one."

Zoe sat back in relief. Rose just smiled and shook her head.

* * *

A little later...

"Okay," Zoe sighed, doing that seizure thing again with the computer, "let's see if there's anything else in here to help."

I looked up from the science book I was reading. "From the girl, you mean?" I asked.

"Yeah...are you reading a _schoolbook_?"

"I suppose. Why?"

Zoe just stared at me, then rolled her eyes. "You gotta be a child prodigy 24/7, huh?"

"Why the hell not? I can't read a _book _without your approval?" I said dryly.

"Well, sure, but you just look like you're showing off," Zoe grumbled, turning back to the computer. "And stop sitting like a boy. You're making Risty May look vulgar."

I sat up a little straighter, but that was it. Then I heard a strange _ping _noise from the computer, and Zoe exclaimed, "It's her!"

"Who?" I asked, looking up again.

"The psycho! MRS. F!" Zoe yelled. "PSYCHO GIRL SENT AN IM!"

I got up and came over to the computer. "What's an I-M?" I asked.

Zoe sighed heavily and pushed her chair to the side a bit, tapping the screen. "IM stands for Instant Message. It's a popular way to talk to people on the computer. It's real time like a phone. Anyway, check this out."

I peered at the box Zoe's finger was on.

**EdwardsWife77: **hey MM i got ur message. wat's up?

My brow creased. "Why can't this girl write full sentences?" I asked.

"Because IMs are all about quickie. It's not too hard to understand. They just replace some words with a single letter or number, and shorten other words," Zoe explained.

I sighed, pondering this "EdwardsWife" girl's IQ. "Well, are you going to respond?" I asked.

"You bet," Zoe said, as her fingers flew over the keys.

**MistaMarista: **for "ur" info, bitch, this is Zoe, Risty May's best friend. that psychotic chain letter you sent her made her warp to Amestris, and now EDWARD ELRIC of all people is inhabiting her body, and she's in his! what the hell did that stupid letter do?

My brows raised, and I glanced over at Zoe. She shrugged. "Hey, I'm pissed," was her explanation.

There was another _ping_, and we turned back to the computer.

**EdwardsWife77: **ed elric? NO WAY! CAN I TALK 2 HIM?

"Hell no!" Zoe and I both yelled.

Just then, Rose came in. "What's going on?" she asked. "Zoe, did you call me?"

"Yeah. The psycho's IMed back," Zoe said, motioning for Rose to come over. "We're finally gonna get some answers." She started typing again as Rose joined us, leaning over Zoe's other shoulder.

**MistaMarista: **you wanna talk to my FIST? TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED AND HOW WE FIX IT OR ELSE!  
**EdwardsWife77: **ok, ok, just chill. nothing special, i just sent MM the chain letter n begged her 2 try it. i thought it might work  
**EdwardsWife77: **but wait, they switched bodies?  
**MistaMarista: **uh, YEAH, that's what I said, idiot.  
**EdwardsWife77: **well, that shouldnt happen, she shouldve been sent 2 amestris, not switch bodies w/ ed. wat did she do?  
**MistaMarista: **she missed the dumb deadline. she waited like four hours or something. tell me how to fix it!

There wasn't a response. We exchanged glances. Zoe typed again.

**MistaMarista: **HEY! are you still there?

Still nothing. Zoe looked steamed. Rose seemed to be contemplating.

**MistaMarista: **ANSWER ME!

Finally, there was a response.

**EdwardsWife77: **4 hours?  
**MistaMarista: **are you like retarded? THAT'S WHAT I SAID! TELL. ME. HOW. TO. FIX. IT.  
**EdwardsWife77: **omg...  
**EdwardsWife77: **i dont know but she shouldnt have waited

Zoe gasped, and then glared daggers at the computer.

**EdwardsWife77: **hello?  
**MistaMarista: **are you DARING to BLAME THIS ON RISTY MAY? THIS IS YOUR FAULT because YOU sent it!  
**EdwardsWife77: **look i don't know what else u can do but go 2 amestris urself and get her  
**MistaMarista: **...WHAT?  
**EdwardsWife77: **im sorry but all i can do is re-send u the letter. u can wish urself and ed into amestris and figure it out from there. im sorry but im sure shell be ok  
**MistaMarista: **you're kidding me!  
**EdwardsWife77 has signed off.  
MistaMarista: **what? oh no you didn't!  
**EdwardsWife77 has signed off.**

Zoe sighed heavily. "Little manipulative, stupid-"

"So this girl is re-sending the letter?" Rose interrupted. "And then what? Who's going into Amestris? And how will we solve this once we get there?"

"I don't know, and I don't know," Zoe said, sounding miserable.

I read and reread the conversation, musing, as Zoe and Rose continued to try and make sense of the situation. There was a little _ding _from the computer, and Zoe flipped to another screen. "There it is," she sighed, pointing with the mouse icon to a line of text that read "RE: MISTAMARISTA YOU MUST TRY THIS".

"Then let's open it, and you two get going," Rose said firmly.

Zoe stared at her. "You want _me _to go?" she said in shock.

"Certainly you don't expect me to let Edward go alone?" Rose replied.

"Well...I guess not, but what am I gonna do?"

"It's a fact that I have no knowledge of Amestris, or the abilities people can have there. And the last thing I would want to do is put my own child in more danger by being there." Here she gave me a mom glare. "I _expect _you to protect her. And I expect _you_-" the glare swung to Zoe "-to be a comforting presence for Risty May. You're her best friend and her confidant. You're an obvious choice."

"Well, yeah, but you're her _mom_."

Rose nodded, smiling. "I know." She didn't offer any more explanation than that. I got the feeling she wasn't your average mom.

"Well? Open the letter and let's do this," I said.

"Oh. Right." Zoe clicked on the text, and the familiar words popped back up. This time, I got to finish reading them. "Okay, so I guess we wish out loud to be in Full Metal Alchemist," Zoe said to me.

My brows raised, but I nodded. Zoe took my hands, as if that helped, and then said, "I wish I was in Full Metal Alchemist."

I repeated it, feeling really weird. Then we both said it two more times, and Zoe jumped back on the computer like it was going out of style and started clicking wildly. "I got ten minutes," she told me as the windows started to flash and I got that seizure-y feeling again.

Next to me, Rose watched also as Zoe clicked and hit keys with a frenzy. Finally Zoe finished, checked her watch, and breathed a sigh of relief. "Eight minutes," she said. "So, now what?"

"I suppose you have to go to sleep for it to take effect," Rose said.

Zoe nodded slowly. "Yeah, I guess. What do we do until we fall asleep?"

"I have some sleeping pills I can give you," Rose said.

Sleeping pills. I'm quite familiar with those.

"Yeah, let's do that!" Zoe said, sounding relieved. "Oh, and we should put on some socks and shoes and stuff. We'll probably be walking around a lot."

"I'll go get the pills and some shoes for Edward. Why don't you two set the table for lunch?" At our surprised looks, Rose smiled again. "You can't save my daughter on an empty stomach, now can you?"

"Hmm, that's true," I said.

Zoe gave me a look and sighed.

* * *

Risty: Zilo, do you get some sort of...joy out of putting me in scary situations?  
Zilo: Me? Why, no.  
Lust: Yeah, right.  
Roy: And why am I not in this chapter?  
Ed: Stop being such a spotlight hog, bastard.  
Riza: I agree. You have paperwork. (points to a wheelbarrow full of papers)  
Roy: (giant sweatdrop)  
Risty: Oh, and there's an Omake! Please read!

* * *

**OMAKE THEATER  
**_Interview With Some Homunculi (and this guy and girl)_

The Interviewer (known from this point on as IV) smiled at her victims...interviewees. Envy, Lust, Scar, and Risty May sat in chairs arranged in a semicircle, with IV's chair facing them. Their expressions, respectfully, were bored, irritated, mildly annoyed, and confused.

"So!" IV said cheerfully, uncapping her pen, "how was the fight scene?"

"Stupid?" Envy tried.

"I was only in the last half," Lust pointed out.

"...I don't care," Scar said.

"Kind of scary! Envy kept slinging me around," Risty May said.

Envy shrugged. "Well, you wouldn't stay put like I said."

"But come on! You're not supposed to hit girls!" Risty May protested.

"Please. I _kill_ girls all the time," Envy said.

Risty May looked green.

"Next question!" IV butted in. "So, Envy, I hear you don't like fighting because you could get hurt. Is this true?"

"What are you, some kind of idiot?" Envy asked. "Haven't I _said_ that?"

IV continued unruffled. "Lust, I hear you had a little tiff with the writers about how little screentime you got. Tell us about that."

"Why? You've obviously made up your mind already," Lust said.

"Uh..."

Scar stood up. "This is pointless," he said. "I will not subject myself to being interviewed for the pleasure of some insane fans."

"AHA! So you _are _having an affair with Edward!" IV declared.

There was a confused silence as everyone stared at her. Scar looked eternally peeved at that comment.

"But isn't Edward a guy too?" Risty May asked innocently.

Envy smacked his forehead. "Someone corrupt this girl before she says anything else stupid," he growled.

Lust stood up as well. "Come on, Risty May," she said, an evil look barely concealed behind her violet eyes. "I'll tell you about a little something called 'Yaoi'."

"Okay!" Risty May agreed easily, following her.

Scar pointed at IV. "You," he said ominously, "are a quack."

Another confused silence.

"My gosh, you're really playing into the 'idiot Ishbalan' stereotype," IV said, busily writing.

"I'm WHAT?"

"Quack is for doctors, dumbass," Envy said, standing up and kicking his chair back.

Scar was about to say something else, but a piercing scream interrupted him. Risty May came flying by, hands pressed tightly over her ears, screaming, "EEK! EEK! EEK! EEK! EEK! EEK! EEK!"

Envy pointed after her. "A prime example of dumbassity," he said.


	9. Trip For Two To Central

Zilo: Uh...well, I'm back... (squeezes eyes shut and prepares to be killed by angry readers)  
Risty: No! W-Wait! (jumps in front of Zilo) Please don't kill my cousin! She didn't abandon you on purpose! Her computer got a terrible virus and spyware, and she had to get it sent to get fixed, but the spyware was so embedded she had to get rid of almost all her files and start over! She had to re-write all her chapters! That's what took so long! D-Don't kill her, please! (bursts into tears)  
Al: Don't cry, Risty May. Maybe they'll understand.  
Envy: Hmm? Do I see TORCHES and PITCHFORKS in that crowd?  
Others: (sweatdrop)  
Winry: Maybe some review responses, and a new chapter, will appease them!  
Zilo: (gulps) Hope so.

* * *

Risty: **Wandering Hitokiri**-san and Annora-san are my heroes! (runs to hide behind Annora and her shotgun)  
Dante: ... (rendered speechless by the shotgun)  
Gluttony: I don't feel so good...  
Envy: (pounds furiously on the dumpster) _YOU DAMN FEMALES! ONCE I GET OUT OF HERE...  
_Zilo: If only Annora could really come and save Risty May!

Zilo: W00t! Examples of dumbassity! Who doesn't love those?  
Risty: (grumbles) I don't.  
Zilo: Thanks so much, **Outcast Martyr!** You know, people stare at me too, mostly my family, when I laugh at a funny story! Too bad.

Envy: EXCUSE ME?  
Ed: '?  
Zilo: Thanks for the sweets, **Maire blaze**! (devours)  
Others: (enjoy their food)  
Risty: You'll have to see what happens! It might surprise you a little! (enjoys sweets)  
Envy: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU BOTH.

Zilo: S'Okay, **Houran**! I'm just glad you reviewed now!  
Risty: Yes, now it will get interesting! Please stay with us!

Zilo: I'm glad you liked it, **Half Human Homunculi**!  
Risty: Honestly, I don't know myself! I just hope my cousin doesn't kill me. (gives Zilo meaningful look)  
Zilo: (innocently) What?

Zilo: Le gasp! **Koinu-chan**? A liar? Oh me, oh my!  
Risty: Wait! Don't cr-oh, she's done.  
(hugs accepted with various degrees of success)  
Roy: Thanks, but I don't want to get in trouble with the law, so let's not do that again.  
Dante: I'm not a hugger.  
Envy: (pushes **K-c **off) Don't hug me, girl.  
Wrath: Don't hug me unless I get candy!  
Zilo: ...I don't get a hug?  
Ed: (steamed) ? COME BACK AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE!

* * *

**NINE: Trip For Two To Central**  
**AKA "Don't Push Envy's Buttons or Demand Classified Information"**

* * *

Risty May's P.O.V.

* * *

In my little ball, I cried to myself. I was so tired, and in so much pain. Envy had seemed to enjoy beating me up far too much. I had my knees pulled up as far as they could go, my forehead resting on them. My arms wrapped around my knees, hiding my face from the world.

Old Lady Dante had questioned me again and again. Even though she hadn't ever exactly said why she wanted to know all this, I managed to figure it out. Dante is a bodysnatcher. Of course. She found out I snatched Ed's body without any side effects, and she wants to know how I did it so she can do it too.

But I couldn't give her a satisfactory answer. No matter how much I stammered over the story, she wasn't satisfied, and then Envy would hit me or kick me. Finally, she said we were done for the day, and Envy dragged me away to some windowless bedroom, my new prison, and locked me in.

Would it be like this tomorrow? I was so sore. I didn't know if I could take another interrogation. Tears leaked into the knees of my pants, and I wished yet again that I was home with my mother, and that I had never opened that stupid chain letter.

My arms slid down to circle loosely around my ankles as I tried to calm my breathing down. If I could just hold on, maybe I could work through this. I remembered watching movies and reading books about people who had been kidnapped, and they were always bonding with one of their captors or something. I doubted that would happen, but I did remember how they always stayed alert, looking for a chance to get away. I would have to do that. And I would have to be strong, for myself and for Edward. Even if I couldn't do it for me, I had to do it for him. I had to. He was depending on me, even if he didn't know it right now.

At some point, I found myself waking up from a fitful sleep, not even realizing I had slept. I was in the same position, my back against the wall, the bed barely sinking under my weight. I blinked sleepily into my knees, and then I heard a click. I tensed, realizing someone was coming in, and that must have been what woke me up. Cautiously I raised my head to look.

It was too dark to tell who it was, at least until they turned on a lamp that I hadn't even noticed. It was Envy, and I tensed even more.

"You slept like that, huh?" he said in an off-handed way, his face half in shadow from the dim lamp.

"What do you want from me now?" I asked, my voice expressing the pain and weariness in my body.

Envy casually rested a hand on his hip, in an almost unconscious way. "It's morning. Time for another questionnaire."

Had I actually slept through the night like this? My head sank back down on my knees, and I unconsciously clutched my scalp. I heard Envy walk across the room and shuddered visibly.

"Come on, kid," Envy said. "Get up."

Even the thought of another afternoon getting beat up for answers I didn't have caused tears to well up in my eyes. "I can't do it," I found myself saying. "I don't know what Dante wants to hear."

"The truth, stupid." The bed sagged a bit, and it took me a second to realize Envy was actually sitting next to me. I suddenly felt like the room was way too small. "Why are you continually stalling? Just tell her what she wants to know."

"But I am!" I protested into my knees. "I don't have anything else I can tell her!"

Envy heaved a little sigh. I peeked at him and saw he was leaning back on his palms, one foot up on the bed, the other swinging back and forth. "Too bad, then," he said in a voice that didn't sound sorry at all. "If you don't have anything else for us, we've got no more use for you."

The underlying threat frightened me, but suddenly a new hope sparked in my mind. "I thought you people wanted Ed to make you the Philosopher's Stone," I said, looking up at him. "Why would you kill his body then?"

Envy's eyes narrowed at me, like he was wondering how I knew about the Philosopher's Stone and all that. But just as quickly as the expression arrived, it was replaced with Envy's usual smirk. "Now what would you know about that, hmm, girl?"

For some reason, his smirk made me angry. I felt like he was trying to show that he was in control, and I was just being tugged where they wanted. I felt a very strong desire to wipe that smirk off his face, to shock him, to show him that he wasn't as in control as he thought. I was actually able to glare at him, and I cleared my throat so Ed's voice came stronger.

"I know a lot more than you think," I said, thanking the stars that Edward could sound so steely even when I wasn't. "I know that you and Ed have the same dad. I know you hate your dad because he abandoned you. I know you hate Ed and Al because your dad gave them all the love and dad-type affection you thought you deserved. I know-"

"Shut up!" For a moment, Envy's face was unguarded, and it quickly flashed into anger. He stood up, towering menacingly over me, his fists clenched.

I kept going. Even now I don't know where the sudden burst of bravery and defiance came from. Maybe because I was so tired of not knowing what was going on, I enjoyed throwing facts in Envy's face that he probably never shared with anybody. "I know that you beat up on Ed because you're jealous of what he got from your dad. Then I guess the name Envy really suits you-"

Envy punched me, hard. I flew off the bed, falling heavily to the floor. My face throbbed, and I touched it gingerly as I pulled myself into a sitting position. Envy approached, fists shaking, face stormy. "How the _hell _do you know this?" he spat.

"I'm a smart girl," I said, rubbing my cheek. "It's true, isn't it?"

"Look here, you little bodysnatching bitch," Envy growled, grabbing me by the collar and hoisting me into the air, "you already said yourself you've got nothing else to offer. Now if I were you, I'd shut the hell up and be a good little brat so I don't kill you right here and now, got it?"

Fear plunged through my body, and I swallowed hard, my bravery escaping me. Envy seemed to notice the change and smiled very unpleasantly, dropping me. "I'm glad we had this chat," he said. "Now come on. You're getting questioned whether you like it or not."

* * *

Envy brought me to another room this time, where Dante was having some tea. My aches and pains had caught up with me, and I was glad to be able to sit down, though I figured I would be on the floor soon enough.

"Well," Dante said, daintily putting her stupid teacup and saucer down, "I hope you've been able to think on things overnight."

I grimaced. "So why don't we talk?" Dante went on, linking her fingers and resting her chin on them. "You should know by now I'm not too fond of repetitiveness, so let's skip the whole chain letter story and get down to business."

And so we did. By "business" I of course mean Dante interrogating me, me not having answers good enough for her, and Envy beating me up. Envy seemed to be putting more effort into it today, maybe because I threw all his secrets in his face.

Jerk.

Anyway, the sun was just starting to go down, and Dante was looking a bit peeved. Envy grabbed me by the left shoulder and dragged me back up into the chair. I cradled my sore left arm to my chest, tears still brimming, scowling at the table.

"Lady Dante?"

Everyone's attention was drawn to the new voice. I was surprised to see Lyra, dressed in her maid's uniform. She was here? Did she know about the Homunculi? I glanced back at Envy to see that he was now in disguise. Okay, maybe not.

"What is it?" Old Lady Dante asked, sounding mildly annoyed.

"Someone is here to see you."

"Fine, I'll be down shortly." Lyra bowed and left. "Envy, take her out of here," Dante said.

Envy changed back to his regular form and grabbed me by the arm. "You lucked out, brat," he said as he dragged me out of the chair and through the second exit we had come through. "No more beatings for now."

I did feel relief about that. But of course, Envy had to ruin it by saying, "But I'm sure there'll be plenty more in store once the visitor's gone."

At that point we had reached my room/prison. Envy opened the door, pushed me in, and slammed the door shut. I heard him lock it on the other side and sighed, making my way over to the bed.

Now what? I thought to myself as I laid down on the side that hurt the least. I had counted all the windows from the interrogation room to mine, as well as checked out any halls and open doors. I had all that information, but what could I do with it? I couldn't open a locked door.

I sighed and laid there for a moment, wallowing in my failure. Then, suddenly, like lightning had struck me, I bolted up.

"Duh!" I said. "Forget where you are much, Risty? Jeez!" I got off the bed and walked over to the door. I could use alchemy to blow it open! Since I could only destroy stuff, that would be perfect. I could destroy the door and make a break for it!

But what if someone was standing guard outside? My plan would be foiled before it could get off the ground. I backed away from the door and sighed. So that was a no-go. But what about a wall?

Excitedly I turned and walked to the right wall. I put my ear against it, listening for signs of life. There were none. Good. I prepared to clap my hands, but stopped. What if someone was on guard and managed to get in before I finished transmuting? Once again, my plan would be foiled. I'd have to block the door somehow.

I walked over to the bed and checked it out. It seemed like it would be good. But try as I might, I couldn't budge it, even using all the force of my automail. It was only when I went to inspect the legs that I found that the bed had been alchemized to the floor. Great. So much for that plan.

So now another plan was toast. I walked forlornly over to the door. What would I do?

Maybe...

I shook my head. No. I couldn't use alchemy to block the door. I would only mess it up. But did I really have a choice? The next time they took me from this room, I might not come back. I had to take this chance while I still had it.

So, I took a deep breath and approached the door, trying to clear my mind of everything but transmuting it into a blockade. I poised my hands to clap and paused, glaring at the door for all it was worth. _Have something specific in mind, _Al had told me. _All right, then, this door is going to meld into the wall, no bones about it._

I clapped. My arms hurt, but I ignored them as I slammed my palms firmly on the door, envisioning it melding into the wall and becoming a part of it. The door glowed blue, and so did a large section of the wall around it. I squeezed my eyes shut and mentally reached out, pulling the door's atoms and the walls atoms together. _Work, work, work._ My fingers trembled from the strain, but I didn't let up until I heard the rushing die down. Then I opened my eyes.

The door's hinges and seams were gone. You could still clearly distinguish the wood from the plaster, but it was melded together in its own crude way. My spirits soared. Success! Finally! Al would be proud of me.

Then I heard a loud thump and a crack. Somehow I just knew it was Envy, trying to kick the door down. I jumped into action and ran to the right wall, clapping as I ran. As soon as I was close enough I touched the wall. Light flashed, and the wall exploded, like I had wanted it to. Without waiting, I shielded my face with my arm and raced through the cloud of dust. I felt a jagged part of the wall brush the top of my head, but not hard enough to hurt.

Envy was still working on the door, and it sounded as though he were close to breaking through. I found myself in a little study. I raced to the window and shoved it open. I looked down to see I was on the second story. I could see Dante, sitting at an outdoor table, conversing with her visitor. And the visitor?

Izumi Curtis.

Izumi Curtis! She can help me escape!

I started to climb out the window, and I heard the door finally give way under Envy's foot. Knowing he could be there in a flash to catch me, I took a deep breath and screamed the first thing that came to mind.

"TEACHER!"

Izumi's reaction was instantaneous. She shoved back her chair and stood, her eyes searching quickly for the source of the yell, until they fell on me. Dante, seeing me, stood up as well.

I heard footsteps behind me and without further ado hurled myself out the window. As I fell I saw both Dante and Izumi clap their hands together. I reached out to catch myself with my automail, and two explosions rang in my ears. Clouds of dust and smoke filled the air.

I hit the ground, left leg outstretched. I quickly lowered my right arm to catch myself so I wouldn't lose balance, and tumbled down without much problem. There was noise and footsteps all around me, and I worked to make sense of my directions in the mayhem. I heard a thud behind me and whirled to see Envy.

"Just couldn't follow my advice, could you, brat?" he snarled, his arm a spike again.

I gasped and scrambled back as he advanced, but he hadn't taken more than a few steps when a giant earthen fist burst from the cloud behind me and slammed directly into his stomach. The fist carried Envy back into the wall of the house with a crash. I didn't waste any time, and turned and ran directly into the dust cloud.

Someone grabbed my arm and pulled me. I let myself be pulled, and soon we were clear of the dust cloud. I looked up and saw that I had made a good call, as it was Izumi herself that was carting me away. We ran through the front gates.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Izumi demanded without looking. "And where's your brother?"

I opened my mouth to explain, but a stab of pain in my stomach made me double over. I worked to keep my breath, and was dismayed when Izumi stopped.

"We've gotta keep running," I said, holding onto my stomach with my free hand. "We can't let them catch us!"

Izumi seemed a little angry. "Look," she said, as I looked up at her, "tell me what-"

She broke off, staring at me. I blinked, and then fidgeted.

"Who _are _you?" she demanded in a dangerous tone.

Was it that obvious now? I swallowed. "Well, um-"

"Are you a Homunculus?" she spat.

"No, no!" I said hastily, waving my hands. "I'm not! There's only one shapeshifter, and it's Envy, not me!"

Izumi was full-on glaring at me. "Then who are you, and why are you impersonating Edward?"

"Listen," I said, suddenly fearful that I was going to be murdered by Izumi, "this is actually Ed's body. I just took it over by accident. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true! That's why Old Lady Dante had her stupid Homunculi kidnap me!"

Izumi started in surprise, then glowered at me again. "You will explain this to me," she said, and it definitely wasn't a question.

"Of course," I said, still holding my stomach, "but please, can we get away before Envy shows up? He's been beating me up enough."

Izumi's eyes flicked over me, I suppose examining me. Then, without further ado, she picked me up and settled me on her back. I was surprised at the sudden movement, but I did wrap my arms around her neck. She held me up by looping her arms under my legs, and we took off at a much faster pace.

* * *

(Edward's P.O.V.)

* * *

When I returned to consciousness, I could feel that I was lying down on something hard. From the sounds I could hear, I knew I was outside. I stretched without opening my eyes. My limbs were stiff, but it wasn't so bad that I couldn't move. I opened my eyes as I sat up.

I blinked, then rubbed my eyes to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Fortunately I wasn't.

"We made it!" I exclaimed. I looked around and saw Zoe lying a few feet away. I got up and hurried to her side, reaching down and shaking her shoulder. "Zoe! Wake up! Come on, get up!"

"Mmmgh..." Zoe grumbled as her eyelids fluttered open. She squinted up at me, then blinked, and opened her eyes fully. "We made it?" she said, sitting up quickly.

I nodded. "We're in Central!"

Zoe stared around, as if she couldn't believe it, which wouldn't be too hard, considering. "I'll be a freaking dead monkey," she said. "We actually made it!" She and I stood together, and she started brushing off her rear and her thigh-high socks.

I have to say, it was very good for me to see familiar Central. Even though I had only been gone two days, it had seemed like forever. "Well," I said, "our first bet is to get to Headquarters and see if we can locate me...I mean, the Full Metal Alchemist."

"We should call first," Zoe commented, picking up the large backpack she had brought and shouldering it. It contained supplies for her and Risty May, as well as a few changes of clothes, in case they were here for a while.

"Why?"

"Because then they'll know we're coming, and they'll tell Risty May."

I quirked an eyebrow at her. "You don't think they might know who she is?"

"Of course I do," Zoe replied. "There's no way Risty May could play you successfully. She's a beautiful, fragile flower, and you're an uncouth idiot."

"Hey!" I exclaimed. "I resent that!"

"Just be glad I didn't use the 's' word, Eddie," Zoe shot back.

I rolled my eyes. "Rose said we shouldn't fight," I reminded her.

In fact, Rose had had to toss water on us at least three times during lunch. I think she was trying to train us to be obedient and not fight, like dogs. Ho-ho. Ha-ha. _Dog _of the military. Shut the hell up.

Zoe did stop teasing, though. "Okay, so, shall we call HQ?"

I shrugged. "I guess. I still think it's possible they don't know."

"I seriously doubt it. Risty May is so unlike you, she'd never play you right. Besides, she might not have played at all. She might have confessed early on, like you did."

Maybe. It was possible. So Zoe and I walked until we found a payphone. She left it up to me to make the phone call, since this was my world and all.

"_Central Headquarters, how may I direct your call?_"

"I need to be connected to Colonel Mustang's office," I said, trying to sound professional in my squeaky girl voice.

"_Colonel Mustang is unavailable right now._"

"Well, where is he?"

"_That information is classified._"

Zoe, who was bent near the phone so she could hear, shot me a worried look. I shrugged back. "Well, then, can you connect me to his office anyway?" I was hoping one of the others might be there.

"_Please hold._" There was silence, then a click, then more silence. Finally the phone started to ring. Zoe put her knuckles to her mouth as the phone continued to ring and ring.

I was just about to hang up when the phone clicked and a voice came on the line. "_Colonel Mustang's office, Lieutenant Hawkeye speaking_." Riza sounded uncharacteristically weary.

"Where's the colonel?" I found myself saying before I could stop myself.

Riza's voice shaped up to its usual sharp tone. "_That information is classified. Who is this?_"

Zoe and I exchanged a glance. I took a deep breath. _Here goes nothing_. "Um, I'd just like to ask you one thing, okay?"

There was a moment's silence before Riza answered. "_Very well._" She sounded guarded.

"Has, um, has the Full Metal Alchemist been acting...I don't know, really strange lately? Not like himself?"

I thought I heard a gasp. "_Who are you?_" Riza demanded. "_Tell me who this is!_"

I was unsure if she was reacting so strongly because I was right or because she suspected me. "Answer my question and I'll tell you," I said.

"_Yes, the Full Metal Alchemist has been acting very unusually lately. Now who is this?_"

I glanced at Zoe, and she looked worried, but nodded. I nodded too, and took the plunge. "First, tell me. He didn't happen to, um, confess to being a girl named Risty May recently, did he?"

Silence. Zoe and I exchanged another worried glance. Was Riza about to slam down the phone?

She didn't. Instead she spoke again. "_Edward?_" she said in an almost shocked tone.

Zoe's face grew into an open grin, and she held her fist to her mouth to keep from gasping. "Yes, Lieutenant! It's me, Edward!" I said in relief.

"_So you did switch bodies after all. Where are you?_" Riza demanded.

"I just got to Central with a friend of Risty May's," I said. "Is she there? Can I speak to her?"

Suddenly Slightly Weary Riza was back. "_Unfortunately, no,_"she said. "_She disappeared three days ago after going out for a walk_."

"_Three _days?" I repeated. "What do you mean? I've only been gone two days."

"_Edward, it's been two _weeks"

I opened my mouth to protest, but Zoe waved her hands frantically. _"I'll tell you later," _she mouthed.

"Okay," I said after a sigh. "Who all knows what's going on? And what happened?"

"_Just myself, the colonel, and your brother,_" Riza answered. "_The colonel's out heading a search party. I would have come, but he asked me to stay in case anyone called. I'm glad I did. There's no one else here to take your call._"

"Lieutenant, we're about a mile from Headquarters," I said. "We're going to come. Can you meet us?"

"_Of course I will. I'll meet you at the front steps._"

"Okay." I hung up and turned to Zoe.

She looked nervous. "I hope Risty May's okay. Do you think the Homunculi have her?"

"I don't see why they would," I said as we stepped out of the phone booth. "They don't know what's going on." I started towards Central Headquarters, Zoe a step behind me. "Now explain to me how it's been two weeks since the switch if I've only been gone two days."

"Apparently time doesn't match up on either side of the Gate," Zoe said. "I'm guessing it moves faster over here. But back to Risty May. Who do you think might have her? Or maybe she just got lost?"

I doubted she had gotten lost for three days, but I didn't want to get Zoe any more nervous. "Let's just get to Headquarters," I told her.

She nodded. "Okay."

* * *

A bit later...

By the time we got to Central, Riza was indeed waiting on the steps. She had her eyes shaded with a hand, and seemed to be examining every girl that came within twenty feet of her. It dawned on me suddenly that she had no clue what we looked like. I should have given her a description.

"There she is," I said. I raised my hand and waved as we approached. "Lieutenant Hawkeye!" I yelled.

Riza's head snapped to us, and she quickly descended the steps. We met about halfway. "Edward?" she said, searching me with appraising eyes.

I nodded. "It's me. You look tired."

"I haven't had more than an hour's sleep at a time in two days," Riza sighed. "We've been busy trying to track down Risty May."

"Any idea who took her?" Zoe asked.

Riza glanced at her, as if considering whether to relay classified military information to her.

"It's okay, Lieutenant," I said quickly. "This is Zoe, the friend I told you about. You can tell her anything you tell me."

Riza nodded once, as if satisfied. "We're unsure," she said, "though some reports have come in of witnesses seeing Scar near the area she was last in."

"_Scar_!" Zoe and I exclaimed in unison.

Zoe's face was pale. "You don't think he-he-you know..." She tapped her forehead.

"We doubt it," Riza said. "Scar isn't one to hide a murder if he commits it. Most likely it was just a kidnapping."

Zoe looked a little better, but not much.

Suddenly a car pulled up at the base of the steps. The back door opened, and Colonel Mustang himself got out, looking weary as well. Zoe shifted the backpack straps digging into her shoulders as Riza stepped forward to call to Roy. "Colonel Mustang!" she said as he started to climb the stairs. "Edward is here!"

Roy's head snapped up, and for the first time he stared at what looked to him like two strange girls. His eyes went from me to Zoe and back.

"What are you staring at, bastard?" I said as way of getting him to recognize me.

Roy quickly climbed the steps and joined us. "How did you make it here?" he demanded. "You were in another dimension, weren't you?"

I opened my mouth to correct him and say I was on the other side of the Gate, but Zoe butted in. "Yeah, but we found a way over!" She nudged me meaningfully, then saluted the colonel. "I'm Zoe Ferguson, Risty May's best friend. Her mother charged me with getting her body safely over here."

I rolled my eyes at the dramatic stretching of the truth.

Roy sighed heavily. "Very well. Let's go to my office."

"Where's Al?" I asked as we headed back up the stairs.

"He's still out searching for 'his brother'," Roy told us.

"Did Risty May disappear on one of her paranoia-relieving walks?" Zoe asked.

Riza nodded at her. "She said in her note to come find her after twenty minutes, as she was likely, quote, 'suffering a nervous breakdown'."

"That sounds like Risty," Zoe sighed.

* * *

Zilo: Phew! I think that went well, considering!  
Ed: Yeah, I guess. Darn it, my body's getting all beat up!  
Risty: But at least we're safe now, right?  
Havoc: I haven't gotten to say anything in a while.  
Lust: That's because you're only supposed to hold up signs.  
Havoc: (blinks) Solaris?  
Lust: Idiot.  
Risty: Read the Omake Theater before you go, please!

* * *

OMAKE THEATER

Then I heard a loud thump and a crack. Somehow I just knew it was Envy, trying to kick the door down. I jumped into action and ran to the right wall, clapping as I ran. As soon as I was close enough I touched the wall. Light flashed, and the wall exploded, like I had wanted it to. Without waiting, I shielded my face with my arm and raced through the cloud of dust. I felt a jagged part of the wall brush the top of my head, but not hard enough to hurt.

Envy was still working on the door, and it sounded as though he were close. I found myself in a little study. I raced to the window and shoved it open. I looked down to see I was on the second story. I could see Dante, sitting at an outdoor table, conversing with her visitor. And the visitor?

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE?" I yelled. "DON'T YOU KNOW THIS IS AN IMPOSSIBILITY, UNLESS THERE WAS A TEAM-UP OF TWO MANGA-KA WHILE I WASN'T LOOKING?"

Envy was now intrigued and leaned over my shoulder to see who it was. "Oh, you mean the dog boy?" he said. "Yeah, he comes over every Saturday to mow the lawn."

"I can't help it, I like doggies!" Dante squealed, hugging a struggling Inuyasha to her bosom.

"I'M SUFFOCATING!" Inuyasha announced.

"I love you too!" Dante cheered.

I smacked my forehead with my automail and accidentally knocked myself out.

"Made my job easier!" Envy commented.

"And now a word from our sponsors!" some random guy said as he popped up. He started to hold up a screenshot of EBay, but Gluttony ate him.


	10. Safe!

Zilo: Look! They're not mad and planning to kill me!  
Risty/Zoe/Al: Yay!  
Envy: Well, that sucks.  
Riza: It's time to reply to the reviews, isn't it?  
Zilo: Yes! **YourFavoritePlushie, Katherine, **thank you so much for your nice and kind words!

Risty: Well, **Arktos, **at least you're reviewing now, right?  
Zilo: Right. Yeah, poor Risty May, can't have a normal I-swap-bodies-with-Ed adventure! Fortunate Izumi arrived! Oh, and about your question, it's partly both. She sort of noticed Risty May, but didn't pay much attention to her or her injuries. She was completely devoted to delivering her message!  
Risty: Im wondering about when me and Ed meet up, too! Whose P.O.V. will it be in, I wonder?  
Zilo: Oh my gosh! How did you know my Koga and Hoho theory? You must be psychic!

Zilo: Thanks so much, **Marie blaze!  
**Ed: (explodes) ! IIIIIIIIIIIIII AMMMMMMMMMM NOOOOOOOOOOT !  
Zoe: And now we're all gonna die. Joy!

Risty: Hmm? Whats' the paper airplane?  
Zilo: Mur? Is that **Koinu-chan**'s voice?  
Inuyasha: Oh, crud, a fangirl! (runs)  
Risty: Look at him go!  
Wrath: OW! FLYING CANDY HURTS!  
Roy: (snorts) Of course you do. I'm irresistible.  
(ten awkward seconds of silence pass)  
Zilo: Um...yay! COOKIE, HUG AND POCKY! (accepts hug while devouring food)  
Envy: Zilo, don't help her. I want to see her get killed.  
Zilo: Bad Envy! C'mere, **K-c**, you can hide in my ideas trunk! (points to trunk with box of cookies inside)

ZILO: YAY FOR ALL CAPS! THEY ROCK! THANKS, **JAZZYCAT**!  
ROY: AND THEY PROVE YOUR INSANITY!  
ENVY: CUT IT OUT, ZILO!  
ZILO: SORRY! I mean, sorry! Eh, I'm used to raw cookie dough highs (coughSHIcough) But thank you so muchly! I'll be sure to update on time from now on! Unless someone, like, kills me!

Zilo: I so agree, **Atemu'sLotus**! Izumi pwns like whoah. You're welcome! Stay tuned for more Izumi!  
Risty: All right, everyone, here's the chapter!

* * *

**TEN: Safe!**  
**AKA "Don't Let Izumi Kill You"**

* * *

(Edward's P.O.V.)

* * *

When we all made it to Roy's office, I sat down on the sofa in front of the desk with a sigh. Zoe joined me, and Roy sat behind his desk, Riza sitting next to him. "So," Roy said, "how did you get back here?"

"Has Risty May told you about the letter?" Zoe asked.

Roy and Riza nodded.

"We used that to get over here," I explained.

Roy rubbed his forehead. "If only you'd gotten here a little sooner, Full Metal," he said. "As you now know, Risty May's gone, and no one has any idea where to. We're assuming she was kidnapped by someone out to get you."

"Then that's not good," I said gravely. "My enemies aren't known for their kind treatment to me. Hopefully she can take care of herself until we find he-"

The phone rang, cutting me off. Roy rubbed his temples again before reaching over and picking up the receiver. "Mustang," he said.

I watched as he blinked and straightened up. "I see. Listen, Edward's here." He listened again, and then nodded. "Yes. Come back in as soon as possible. Oh, and...he is in a girl's body. He'll be the short one."

"'TGETINACHAIRWITHOUTALADDERHUH?" I automatically screamed. The nerve of the bastard.

Roy shrugged. "Hey, I call them as I see them." He listened on the phone again. "All right. See you then." He hung up. "That was Alphonse. He's coming back to the office," he said.

I brightened. I would get to see Al! I had missed him those two days. We weren't very often apart for even that long.

"So, what's been going on?" Zoe asked, sounding curious. "No one else knows, do they?"

Roy shook his head. "No. It's just me, the lieutenant, Alphonse, and of course you two and Risty May. We have been trying to figure out a solution to switch you two back on our end. I can only hope you've come up with one, Full Metal."

Zoe and I glanced at each other. "Unfortunately, no," I admitted. "We thought it'd be beneficial if we were all in the same...dimension."

"And we could have a brainstorm," Zoe piped up.

Roy sighed. "Well, we've been brainstorming for two weeks and haven't come up with anything."

"Risty May's mom is still working on it in our dimension," Zoe said helpfully. "Maybe with us all working together, something will come up."

"Let's hope so, Miss Ferguson."

* * *

Risty May's P.O.V.

* * *

I didn't look up from Izumi's shoulder once. I was so relieved that she hadn't killed me and that I was now safe that I let myself practically pass out on her back. I listened to her steady footsteps on the ground, appreciating the quiet.

"So who are you, really?" Izumi suddenly asked. At least her voice didn't have the really scary tone anymore.

I shifted a bit so my automail wasn't holding on so tightly. "I'm a girl," I sighed. "My name's Risty May, and I got here by accident."

"How old are you?"

"Fourteen."

Izumi seemed to be walking up a slight incline. "How did this happen? How exactly did you take control of Edward's body? And where is he now?"

"Our theory is he's stuck in my body," I said. "As for how _I _got here..." I sighed again and told her The Story, which now came quite easily after several tellings.

Izumi didn't say anything at first after I finished. She seemed to be thinking on it. I had to work on staying awake.

"Does anyone else know?" she finally asked.

"Al does. And Colonel Mustang and Lieutenant Hawkeye. And of course, Old Lady Dante and her minions." I couldn't help grimacing at that. I don't think I'll ever look at Envy the same.

"And that also," Izumi said. "Why were you being held at Dante's house anyway?"

"Because she's an evil old bodysnatching biddy," I grumbled.

"Speak up, I can't hear you mumbling into my shoulder," Izumi commanded.

However, my even mentioning Dante twice in five minutes had triggered tears. I lifted my head briefly to wipe them away and sniffled, using my sleeve to rub off the ones that had smeared on Izumi's shoulder. "I'm sorry," I said, "I get upset really easily."

"Don't worry about it," Izumi said in a softer voice. "We'll talk about it later."

"Okay." I put my face back down on Izumi's shoulder and promptly passed out.

* * *

When I woke up, Izumi seemed to have made it back to her butcher shop thing. I was lying on what felt like a bed. I opened my eyes and sat up, looking around. I was in a room. Night had fallen, and a lamp illuminated the room. Someone had removed my coat, jacket, and boots, draping the coat and jacket over a chair and lining the boots up next to the bed. I could see bandages wrapped around my arm, and felt them on my forehead, chest, waist, and shins. I hadn't had as many injuries as I had thought.

Just then, the door opened and Izumi walked in, followed by her husband Sig, who closed the door behind himself. "I see you're awake," she said.

"You don't think Old Lady Dante'll send her minions here?" I asked.

"I doubt it." Izumi pulled up a chair and sat down. "She's never been here, so unless she had us followed, she won't know where you are."

I nodded. "Okay." Unconsciously I pulled my knees up to my chest, pulling on my toes. "Um, I should probably, you know, call Headquarters. I'm not sure how long I've been gone, and they're probably worried," I said meekly.

Izumi seemed two seconds off of a snort, but instead she crossed her arms and sighed. "Fine, go call them," she said.

"Yes ma'am." I hopped off the bed and started for the door, but stopped. "Um...where's a phone?"

"There's one in the hall," Sig said, surprising me a little. I had figured he wouldn't say anything to me.

"Oh. Right. Thanks." I started for the door again, and stopped again. "And...and thank you, Miss Izumi. For rescuing me, I mean."

Izumi looked over at me. "Of course. Do you think I would have _left _you there?" she said.

I was pondering whether or not it was a rhetorical question, when Izumi smiled at me and made a shooing motion with her hands. I pulled an Alphonse and bowed politely before finally leaving the room.

There was a phone in the hall, just like Izumi had said, sitting on a little table. It took me a while to remember Headquarters' number, since I had only seen it a few times on paper, but when I did I picked up the receiver and dialed. It was answered on the first ring.

"_Central Headquarters,_" a perky voice said. "_How may I direct your call?_"

"Colonel Mustang's office, please," I said.

"_One moment._" There was silence, then a click, and finally ringing. The phone was picked up halfway through the second ring. "_Mustang._"

I was so relieved at hearing a friendly voice that I started to cry. "Colonel Mustang!" I exclaimed, tears starting to run down my face and into my voice. "I'm-I'm so glad to hear you!"

Roy seemed to perk up at that. "_Where are you?_" he demanded. "_Are you safe?_"

I could hear a bit of commotion in the background, like several people were talking. "Y-Yeah, I'm okay," I said, sniffling up a few tears. "I'm with Izumi Curtis in Dublith. She saved me. Is Alphonse there? He knows her. Tell him."

"_Hold on,_" Roy said. He then spoke in a more faraway voice, and I realized he was relaying the message. There was silence as he spoke, but as soon as he finished the commotion started again. I could hear some girl railing about "damn Homunculi" and Al trying to calm her down.

The phone seemed to get jostled. "_Risty May?_" It was Al. "_You're with Teacher?_"

"Yeah, she saved me," I said, now wiping away the last few tears from my impromptu crying session. "The Homunculi kidnapped me, Al. They found out about the bodyswap and-"

"_Oh! Speaking of which,_" Al cut in, "_and sorry to interrupt, but you'll never guess who showed up today! Brother's here!_"

"He _is_?" I said in shock.

"_Yes. And he's in your body, too! It turns out our theory was right!_"

"Can I talk to him?" I asked.

"_Sure. Oh hold on._" The phone was jostled some more, and I heard someone yelling about not breaking the phone. There was some more yelling that got louder and louder. Then a sudden gunshot made me jump, and all the yelling ceased. I hoped Riza hadn't really shot anybody.

"_Risty May?_"

I nearly fell over backwards. It was me! My voice! I swallowed my shock and managed to squeak, "Edward?"

There was a moment's silence, and then Ed spoke again. In my voice. Which was sooo creepy. "Listen, are you okay? We're taking the first train out to Dublith to get you. Al says the Homunculi kidnapped you?"

"Yes!" I exclaimed. It was never as obvious before, at least since the first time, that I was speaking in a boy's voice. "It was because D-"

I suddenly stopped myself. If Dante was still the old lady, then she and Ed hadn't met yet, right? Then if I told Edward about her, I might mess up the series! I could spiral it into a circle of doom! I could wreck the ending! By changing this one point in the series, I might get all the good guys killed or something!

...Have I not already established my overactive imagination? Lay off, please.

"_Because why?_" Ed asked. Even in my voice, there was an underlying Ed-ness to it.

"Because...uh...because the...Homunculi...wanted to...make you, uh...make the, uh...Philosopher's Stone," I said, my voice getting more deadpan-ish as I kept it up. "But then they found out you were me, and, uh...decided to beat me up?"

Edward seemed quite gullible, for he proceeded to say several words I don't like repeating. I winced hearing them being spewed in my voice.

"_Well, listen. Stay with Teacher until we get there, got it?_"

"Of course," I said, wincing as one of my injuries suddenly decided to complain.

"_We can get there in about three days. Think you can stay under the radar that long?_"

"I resent that!" I said hotly. "Of course I can. I'll be the most incognito bodyswapper you've ever seen!"

"_Right,_" Ed said, sounding just a bit sarcastic. "_Okay, we'll call you in a bit. Don't go anywhere._" There was a click, and I pulled the phone away from my ear, staring at it. "That jerk! He totally hung up on me!"

"Problem?" I jumped, not realizing Izumi had come into the hall. "Oh, uh, no, M-Miss Izumi. I just talked to Edward. He's coming to get me."

"Hmmm." Izumi looked deep in thought. "Well, good. You'll stay here until he arrives."

It seemed everyone was telling me what to do a lot. I nodded to Izumi, and winced at a pain in my side. I reached out to steady myself on the wall and nearly toppled over.

Izumi steadied me with her hands. "Don't push yourself," she told me. "You still aren't fully recovered, and it looks like you've had a number done on you. Someone named Envy did this, you say?"

"Yeah," I sighed, letting her half-lead, half-drag me to what I guess was the dining room. We sat down at the table across from each other. Mason was in the room also, moving some heavy-looking boxes. "He would hit me every time I didn't tell Dante something she wanted to hear."

"What did Dante want to hear?" Izumi asked dangerously.

I swallowed. I wasn't sure if Izumi had ever learned of Dante's true evilness, or if she knew about her bodyhopping. Fearing a complete collapse of the series, I explained haltingly, trying to leave out as much spoiler-type things as possible. Izumi's face darkened as I spilled, and I began to fidget and look everywhere but her face.

"Hmmm," Izumi said once I had finished.

"W-What are you going to do?" I asked fearfully.

Izumi gave me a look like I was insane. "Confront Dante, of course. What else?"

"No!" I cried, seeing series meltdown flashing before my eyes. I stood abruptly, making my knee hurt, and Izumi looked at me, surprised. (She couldn't look up because I still wasn't tall enough, even with me standing and her sitting.) "Y-You can't! Miss Izumi, I...I know this may sound crazy, but you have to leave it to Edward!"

"Oh do I?" Izumi said in one of those I-dare-you-to-stop-me tones.

"Yes. Please," I begged. "You can't tell him about Dante, and...and you can't tell him about anything I told you. And you have to let him handle it! Otherwise..."

"Otherwise what?"

"Something awful might happen. Somebody might die who isn't supposed to die! Everything could get twisted on its ear. Dante could end up winning!"

Mason, who I'd completely forgotten about, was giving me an odd look over a small stack of boxes. Izumi crossed her arms and raised a brow.

"Listen. W-Where I come from, people here are like stories that we can see, from beginning to end. I know it sounds completely psycho, but I do know what's supposed to happen to Edward. He's got to find out about Dante on his own, or something awful might happen."

"So you know the future?" Izumi pressed.

"Um...I guess, in a way."

Izumi looked like she was considering something. I realized I had stood and sat down, blushing. Mason left with the boxes.

"What happens to him?" Izumi asked quietly.

I started, then fidgeted. "What...will you do with the information if I tell you?" I asked nervously.

"You don't have to go into details. I just want to know if he'll live."

I sighed a bit with relief. "Well...yes. He will. He'll live a long time. To like, 100, I think," I told her, drawing from things I had seen in the movie and FMA omake. "And...I think he'll do good things. Like world peace and junk."

"World peace and junk," Izumi repeated, gazing up at the ceiling. I watched her as she closed her eyes and sighed, then opened them at looked at me. "Thank you."

"Um, no problem," I mumbled, embarrassed. I ducked my head, feeling heat on my cheeks.

Izumi got out of her chair. "So how much do you know about alchemy?"

My head snapped up. "Whah? I mean, umm...a little, I guess. I can blow stuff up really easily, and I sorta fused a door with the wall once..."

Izumi let out a chuckle. "So you've got all of Ed's ability with none of the knowledge, is that right?"

"Yeah, something like that. I'm just glad I haven't hurt anybody."

"Well then, let's fix that. You could do with some alchemy training until Edward gets here," Izumi said.

I paled. "Am I going to get beat up even _more_?" I said fearfully.

"Only if you have bad reflexes."

* * *

I have bad reflexes.

"Owww..." I groaned, pulling my face out of the dirt. "How, um, does getting pummeled make you better at alchemy, Miss Izumi, ma'am?"

"To train the spirit, you must train the body," Izumi commented, walking up to me. She held a cookbook in her hand, which she planned to start reading once I actually attempted to attack her. "If you're going to have Edward's alchemical abilities, you'll need to know how to use them, should the occasion arise."

"Um, but shouldn't I focus my energy into switching back with Edward?" I pointed out, standing and attempting to stretch some pain out.

"Maybe the answer you need is alchemical. What will you do then?"

I gulped. "Hope Edward's got an idea?"

I saw the shoe flying at me and just barely managed to avoid it smacking my face, falling flat on my back. It glanced off my head and flipped into the sky.

"THAT IS A TERRIBLE ANSWER!" Izumi yelled at me. "WHAT KIND OF SAP ALWAYS DEPENDS ON OTHER PEOPLE?"

"I'M SORRY!" I screamed, fearful for my future.

"Then prove it! Attack me!" Izumi said.

Oh, by the way, it was the next morning. Izumi had been nice enough to postpone my beatdown until the sun came back up. I was feeling much better, thanks to some miracle painkillers Izumi gave me. At least I had been, until she persuaded me to come into the back yard. (By "persuade" I mean she brandished the biggest knife I've ever seen and herded me out the back door as I screamed in terror)

"Well?" Izumi said, opening her cookbook and flipping a few pages.

I sighed, hoping she would part with more of her painkillers afterwards, and ran towards her. I figured my automail was my best bet and threw a punch. Izumi caught it and didn't even flinch. I could only suck in a quick breath before she brought her elbow down on the inside of mine, bending my arm, and then flipped me into the ground.

"Ahahahowww!" I wailed.

"Stop it. You're making Edward sound like a sissy," Izumi commanded. "Now get up and try again."

So I did. And I ended up in the dirt about three seconds later.

"If I die, will you tell the others I had a good time?" I said weakly.

"You won't die," Izumi said, immersed in how to make a delicious soufflé. "Get up."

I did so, rubbing the back of my neck.

"I expect you to hit me once before lunch," Izumi suddenly said, "or you won't be eating."

"Um, when's lunch?" I asked.

"In two hours."

I was doomed to starve.

* * *

After the lunch I didn't get to eat, Izumi handed me a cup of water and some painkillers. I realized I might become addicted, but I didn't care, as I popped four and drank the water in a gulp.

"Come on out back," Izumi said, picking up another book. "Dinner's in five hours, and you wouldn't want to miss it."

I recognized the underlying challenge and followed Izumi outside like a death row inmate heading for the chair.

"Now, before we begin," Izumi said. "I don't want you just relying on Ed's automail because it's hard. You just have to hit. It doesn't have to have a certain force behind it. If you can just hit, and it actually hurts, you'll get dinner."

"And one of your winning smiles?" I ventured, liking Izumi smiling better than Izumi not smiling.

"That too. You must have had some kind of fighting classes before. I can see it in your movements."

I shook my head. "No ma'am," I said. "I'm not a fighter at all."

"Then aerobics? Flex? There's something."

"Oh!" I shot my hand into the air like I was in class. "I've had gymnastics classes, Miss Izumi. From age five to ten. I was great on the uneven bars."

Izumi didn't seem to have a clue what I was talking about. "I was all right on the floor mat, too," I rambled. "I was good at chain flips and cartwheels, but uneven bars was my best. The balance beam I-"

"Very well. Then use those skills to your advantage," Izumi interrupted. "Now attack me."

I swallowed. Here we went again.

* * *

An hour before dinner, I was exhausted, and I still hadn't landed a hit. Izumi didn't even have to look to knock me away. She had almost finished her book. I had almost finished my life.

"You'd better hurry," Izumi said, turning a page. "Dinner will be soon."

I swallowed back some spit and stood, wiping off my mouth. Who was I kidding? No way would I hit Izumi. I was going to starve. This sucked.

But I kept trying, using whatever gymnastics abilities I had. Izumi blocked them all, though a couple actually seemed like they would be successful (at least until they failed). The sun was starting to go down.

After yet another failed attack, I was on my hands and knees, face pointed at the ground, tears leaking. It was too much to ask me to try and hit Izumi. It wasn't fair at all.

Izumi's feet, clad in their W. C. sandals, appeared in my line of vision. "Almost dinnertime," she announced.

"That's not fair!" I cried, looking up at her. "I don't know anything about fighting, and you're the best in the whole world! How could I be expected to hit you? How? Why are you being so mean to me?"

"I'm not being mean," Izumi replied. "How do you expect to train your body if you can't pass this test?"

"What kind of test is this? It's completely one-sided!" I stood up. "It's not like I can just walk up to you and go, 'Hi, will you let me hit you?' or something! You're like a conforking ninja! It's impossible to touch you! It's not fair!"

I got slapped. Reeeally hard. "Stop acting like a brat!" Izumi commanded. "Whining and complaining will get you nowhere! No one who had only actively complained ever got anything. They achieved what they wanted through hard work and dedication. And you have to do the same."

I sniffled, touching my burning cheek.

"You still have ten minutes," Izumi told me, walking a few feet away. "Hurry up."

I took a deep breath to calm my hysteria. Izumi was reading again. I cracked my knuckles and shook out my feet. Was there any way to surprise her? I doubted it. Maybe if I could fake her out...but that probably wouldn't work either. I had to think of something, though, and fast.

I decided on the head-on approach and ran at Izumi, fist cocked to punch. Izumi easily dodged and threw me to the ground. I was about to cry out in frustration and complain about it being unfair when it occurred to me: that was what I _always _did when she threw me down. What if I tried something else?

Desperately, I tried kicking one of Izumi's legs. She dodged my clumsy attack, but instead of giving up, I scrambled to my feet and threw another punch at her. Izumi dodged, and I kept throwing punches, hoping one of my wild swings would connect. Izumi avoid them all and karate-chopped the insides of my elbows, causing me to temporarily lose the feeling in them.

"Agh!" I yelled in frustration. But I didn't give up. I switched to wild kicking. Izumi weaved around all my kicks, and when I got the feeling back in my arms, I alternated between punches and kicks. I was getting short of breath, but I was determined to hit Izumi. After all, I was really hungry!

Izumi dodged another kick while turning a page in her book, and I was suddenly really angry at the book. I'm not sure why, it just made me mad. So I aimed my next punch right at the book. To my complete surprise, I punched the book out of Izumi's hand, denting the spine. It flopped to the ground, and the sound seemed to silence the world.

"Dinnertime!" Mason called from the back door, obviously unaware that there was about to be a private execution in Izumi's backyard.

I stared at the book, and then looked up sheepishly at Izumi. She also was staring at the book, and looked mad. "That was one of my favorite books," she commented dangerously.

I immediately shielded my face with my arms. "I'm so sorry, I swear, I swear! P-Please don't murder me!" I wailed.

Silence. I waited to be beaten to death. Instead, I heard Izumi's feet crunch across the grass, and the sound of the book being picked up. I waited again, thinking she would use the book to kill me, like some sort of poetic justice. Instead I heard the sound of Izumi's feet walking away. I looked up warily to find Izumi heading for the back door.

"Well? Aren't you hungry? It's dinnertime," Izumi said.

"Whah? But...but...I thought I had to hit you," I said, hurrying after her.

"You did. You hit my book, and now it's dirty," Izumi said. "That hurts. And, you finally got the point I was trying to get across. Every time I knocked you down, you would stop fighting and groan over your injuries. But at the end, you finally kept going, even though it had to hurt. The whole point was not giving up, which is a vital lesson in both fighting and alchemy."

My mouth opened slightly, and I furrowed my brows. "Really? But..."

"If you're not hungry, you can-"

"No, no, I'm hungry! Starving!" I cried.

Izumi smiled. "Thought so."

* * *

Winry: ...And that's how you turn a washer into a robot in disguise!  
Zilo: That is so interesting!  
Risty: (asleep)  
Roy: (paperworking like mad)  
Riza: (has a bead on Roy)  
Ed/Al/Lust/Envy: (playing Go Fish)  
Havoc: Finally! I get to say something! Now! Weeeeee'll-  
(Wrath kicks him in the head and takes his place)  
Wrath: Seeya, kiddies! (evil laugh)  
Winry/Risty/Ed/Al/Roy/Riza/Havoc: ZILO!  
Zilo: What?


	11. Boy Meets Girl

Zilo: I hope everyone had a merry Christmas, or whatever you celebrate around that time!  
Risty: So here are the responses to your lovely reviews! Thanks for stopping by!  
Zilo: **Half Human Homunculi, Eloquent Liar, **thank you both sooooooooooooo exceedingly much! Every review makes me incredibly happy!

Zilo:Well, I dunno, **Devil-Speaker**! I have a bad track record with sequels...but if enough people threaten me for it, I'd definitely consider it! **Marie blaze,** I agree with your sentiment! Izumi PWNS! And sure, I'll take a look! (starts devouring cookies)  
Al: Um, please don't sweep my brother away. He'll revive soon enough!  
Envy: Ex-CUSE me? (tears money to shreds) I don't need a new outfit, you (bleepity) (bleep) (bleepy) (bleep)!  
Risty: Portable cussboxes are fun!

Zilo: Scary feeling, isn't it, **Wandering Hitokiri**?  
Izumi: (watches **WH **run off) That's what I thought.  
Risty: (calls after) Tell Annora-san I said thanks again!

Zilo: Trust me, **Houran,** you don't wanna know.  
Izumi: (dangerously) What's to laugh about concerning my training?  
Risty: Um, uh, **Houran** just meant it in the best way possible, Miss Izumi!  
Ed: She better NOT have wounds! That's MY body she's slinging around!

Zilo: Of course I did, **Katherine**! I like your name!  
Izumi: I'm glad so many people seem to like my insertion.  
Risty: I'm glad I got tougher too!

Zilo: Wow! **Koinu-chan**'s getting pummeled!  
Risty: Creepy.  
Ed: (shoves **K-c **off) GET OFF ME! I AM NOT A MINIATURE CUDDLY PLUSHIE!  
Roy: (sighs) Whatever.  
Envy: OW! WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP KICKING ME?  
Zilo: Because I called you a kickaholic? (closes trunk lid after **K-c**)  
Risty: I-It didn't take me THAT long...

Zilo: Another lovely long **Arktos **review! Yay! Izumi's right on several accounts about Risty May. The girl's in serious need of some toughening up, and maybe she'll make it!  
About Risty May's concern over the FMA future, I noticed that that was something that never seems to come up in any other self-insertions. It made me think "what might happen if the FMA characters learned about things ahead of time and tried to prevent them?" Maybe the whole thing would fall apart!  
I loved writing them finally meeting. It kind of blocked me for a while, because I wasn't sure whose P.O.V. it should be in. I finally decided on both! And, as always, I will love and appreciate all concrit from you and everyone else! (though it seems like you're the only one who actually gives me concrit) Thanks so much for the awesome review!

* * *

Note:

There's going to be a lot of P.O.V. switching in this chapter, so keep thine eyes peeledeth!

* * *

**ELEVEN: Boy Meets Girl**  
**AKA "Don't Spoil"**

* * *

Risty May's P.O.V.

* * *

"Faster! Keep kicking but don't lose your sense of gravity!"

"Yes ma'am!"

It was the fourth day of my stay with Izumi Curtis. As she promised, there were alchemy lessons, but for some reason, there seemed to be more fighting than alchemy lessons. We trained for hours every day, only breaking for meals and bedtime, which didn't seem to last very long. And those painkillers were disappearing like candy. Izumi had warned me that I wouldn't get to take any today, because she didn't want me dying of an overdose.

"Watch your foot! Do you simply _want_ me to break your knee?"

"No ma'am!"

However, there were several pros. I had gotten a slightly better grasp on alchemy. And, to my delight, a slightly better grasp on fighting as well. Izumi's supertough training wasn't unfair after all. It merely taught me to be better with reflexes and things. And she had helped me to integrate my gymnastics experience into some wicked moves.

"Where's your guard? I don't want to see that hand hanging!"

"Yes ma'am!"

Izumi's foot shot out and connected with my stomach. I gasped in pain, but in four days I had learned to swallow it down and keep going. It was like Izumi said: pain was a message I simply had to put on hold.

"Arm up, arm up-now throw!"

I threw a punch at Izumi's shoulder. She blocked with her hand and flipped me to the ground. I rolled myself into a kneeling position and jumped up, ready to keep going.

Izumi held up a hand. "That's enough for now," she said. I noticed with a shock of delight that the palm of the hand I had punched was turning red. "Lunch should be ready soon."

As if on cue, the back door opened. "Lunchtime, ladies!" Mason announced.

"Yay!" I cheered, bouncing to the door with my fists raised. My loose ponytail bounced in turn around my neck.

"Risty May, please try to stop with the girlish exclamations until you get your body back," Izumi commented, following me inside.

"Sorry, ma'am," I said cheerfully.

"So, how's the training going today, Risty?" Mason asked me as he set the table.

"I made Miss Izumi's hand turn red!" I cheered.

Mason whistled, realizing what an accomplishment this was for me, the non-fighter. "Way to go!" he said. "Who knows, maybe by the end of the day _you'll_ be able to flip _Izumi_ on the ground!"

"That I seriously doubt!" I said, pulling my white T-shirt away from my sweaty skin. "But I'll still do my best!"

"Go take a shower before lunch," Izumi commanded me. "You smell."

"Yes ma'am!" I practically skipped away. Behind me, I heard Izumi sigh and say something about me being far too girly to be trapped in a boy's body.

* * *

(Edward's P.O.V.)

* * *

"I hate your trains," Zoe groaned, rubbing her rear. "They're absolutely hard and lumpy and full of splinters and-"

"Well no one _asked_ you to come," I shot back, not wanting to admit I often thought the same things.

Zoe shot me a glare. "Like I'd leave it to _you _to go get Risty May? Please, Napoleon complex."

"Will you stop calling me that?" I snapped. I had figured out that this Napoleon Zoe kept mentioning was some short man from her world's history. And I did _not_ appreciate it.

"Come on now, don't fight," Al said, politely herding us out of the train station.

We had arrived in Dublith. At first it was only going to be me and Al, but Zoe had insisted on coming along to tend to Risty May's needs, whatever that meant. My focus was on getting us all back to Central as quickly as possible so we could work together to find a solution to this problem.

As we traveled to Teacher's butcher shop, Zoe kept up a running commentary of Dublith. She seemed to think it was "a charming place" full of "really cute people" and some "snazzy clothing stores". I was about ready to slam my face into a wall when we heard a "Hey, Al!"

We turned as one to see none other than Mason coming up to us with a box full of meat in hand. "Hi, Mason!" Al called, waving.

"Glad you made it! Where's your brother?" Mason asked.

Al and Zoe pointed at me. "Right here," I announced.

Mason looked down on me, blinking. "Man. Even after swapping bodies, you _still_ can't get any taller?"

"IAM_NOT_!" I roared.

"Ah, come on! Risty May's at least an inch taller than Eddie here," Zoe said.

"WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?" I yelled at her.

Mason laughed. "Yeah, that's definitely you, Ed. Come on. Your friend's probably still out back with Izumi."

"What's she doing with Teacher?" Al asked.

"Izumi's been giving her alchemy lessons, and they've been sparring a lot," Mason explained as he led us up the street.

All the blood drained from my face as I imagined Risty May, the non-fighter, getting my body beaten to a pulp by Teacher. "How's she been doing?" Zoe asked, sounding excited.

"Pretty well, considering," Mason replied. "Izumi's reports are glowing."

"Yes!" Zoe pumped a fist into the air. "I have been trying for _years _to get Risty May into fighting!"

Mason glanced back at her. "So you're her friend?"

"Best friend," Zoe replied. "Oh yeah. I'm Zoe."

"Mason. Nice to meet you. I'd shake your hand, but I don't have a free one," Mason said with a laugh.

"Not a problem," Zoe said cheerfully.

_And WHERE was this cheerful girl when she was with me?_ I thought sourly.

"Don't make that face, Eddie. It'll get stuck, and then I'll have to kill you for ruining Risty May's cute face."

Steam was about to start coming out of my ears. Fortunately, we arrived at the butcher shop, and Mason edged the door open with his foot. "The Elrics are here!" he announced into the store.

Sig looked up from where he was sharpening a very deadly-looking machete-type weapon. "I see," he rumbled. "Izumi's out back with your friend."

"Thanks!" Zoe said, suddenly sprinting past us all. "That poor thing hasn't seen anyone familiar in three weeks!"

"Hang _on_ a sec!" I growled, following her. Al followed me after bowing to Mason and Sig.

Somehow Zoe had navigated the whole house and found the back door. We caught up to her as she stood in the doorway, staring out into the yard. I wedged around her and looked also, and felt my heart stop. Even though I had known this was coming, it didn't make it any more unreal.

I was seeing me sparring against Izumi. My hair was in a high ponytail (something I would probably never wear, sheesh) and I had on a loose white shirt, jeans, and a wristband on my left wrist.

Oh how weird.

We could only stare.

* * *

Risty May's P.O.V.

* * *

"Higher! Keep your stomach guarded!"

"Yes ma'am!"

"Don't punch like that! You'll break your wrist!"

"Yes ma'am!"

I kept myself moving, trying to land a hit. Izumi dodged most of my attacks, but occasionally she would block them and knock me away. At that point I would get back up, crack knuckles or roll my neck or whatever, and then try again.

Izumi tried to chop my elbow, and somehow I actually managed to avoid it. I threw my front half forward like I was about to do a cartwheel, and once my hands were supporting me on the ground, I lifted my legs into the air and tried to kick Izumi. She dodged one leg and caught the other, and I felt her twist my ankle so my hands left the ground. I somehow righted myself and landed on my butt.

"Don't leave yourself open like that!" Izumi commanded me. "If you're going to try a kick like that, you have to make sure you don't move slowly. A slow kick like that is death."

"Yes ma'am!" I said, getting back up. I brushed off my rear.

Izumi cracked her own knuckles and picked up the book she had discarded at the beginning of our fight. "It seems we have an audience," she commented casually.

"We do?" I said, looking over. I expected to see Mason or maybe Sig, but instead I saw the most shocking sight of my life.

Al was there. I noticed him first since he was, like, the tallest. Then I saw myself, with my hair in a braid, wearing a denim mini-jacket, a brown and white-striped shirt, and jeans and sneakers, staring at me. _That _was weird. But the shockingest sight of all was Zoe, clad in black leggings under a mini shirtdress, also staring at me.

"...Zoe?" I said in surprise.

"Heeeey, Risty May," Zoe said weakly, waving a little. There was this huge smile on her face.

"Oh my..." My hands flew to my mouth, and tears came. "How the...when did...oh, Zoe!" I ran to her and she ran to me. We met halfway and hugged.

"I didn't think you'd be here!" I cried, my tears sliding into her shirt. "But you came and-and-"

"Yeah, I know!" Zoe said, trying to sound offhand, but I heard the catch in her voice. "So you're okay?"

I nodded. "I'm fine! I'm just fine! I'm sorry I've been gone so long. I was trying to get back, honest!"

"Hey, it's no biggie!" Zoe said, finally letting me go. "The times here and there don't match up anyhow. It's only been like three days back in our world."

"Really? Then that makes me feel a little better," I said. "Zoe...how did you _get _here?"

"We came on this train. It was awful, so hard and lumpy and-"

"No, I mean Amestris! How'd you get to Amestris?" I interrupted.

Zoe blinked, and I realized that I rarely ever interrupt her. "Eddie and I used the psychopath's chain letter, like you did," she explained.

I blinked, and suddenly remembered that Edward Elric was there. I whirled, and there he was, in my body, pulling my own features into one of the most Ed-like expressions I've ever seen. I almost had to laugh, but I was too shocked. It was incredibly freaky to be staring at myself without a mirror.

"So you're Risty May," Ed finally said. Even in my voice, there was still an Edness behind it. I suppose it was the same with me.

I nodded. "Um, sorry about the whole...bodyswapping thing," I apologized. "Seriously. When I used that chain letter, I was just trying to come to Amestris! It was never my plan to take over your body! I know you had to have been as freaked as me-well, maybe not _as _freaked-but I know it must have been horrible!" I hugged him, which was really like hugging myself. My hair still looked and smelled nice, to my relief. "I'm really sorry!"

Ed turned really stiff in my hug. "Um...that's okay," he mumbled, sounding embarrassed.

"At least now Brother's back home though, right?" Al pointed out.

I nodded, and then hugged him. "I'm so happy to see you again, Al!"

"Please tell me you have _not_ been running around hugging people as me!" Ed groaned.

"Of course not! Just Al, and the lieutenant this one time...and Kain Fuery once, but he didn't know it was me because I hugged him from behind-"

Ed smacked a hand to his forehead. Zoe giggled and patted my head. "You haven't changed a bit," she said.

"On the contrary!" I said cheerfully. "I can do more than blow stuff up with alchemy now!"

"You were _blowing stuff up_?" Ed repeated, sounding a little sick.

"Really? What can you do now?" Al asked.

Izumi suddenly walked into our midst, and Ed, me, and Al turned to her. "If you don't mind, I was in the middle of a sparring session with Risty May," Izumi said.

"Can it wait?" Zoe asked with her usual respect-your-elders-not tone.

Izumi's face darkened, and I had visions of my friend being turned into Zoe soup. "Wait! Don't tear Zoe limb from limb!" I begged. "She didn't mean it!" Zoe, being a former gang member, has difficulty listening to and respecting parents, teachers, police, pretty much anyone with any authority over anybody. Somehow, Mom was able to earn Zoe's respect, but she's the glowing exception.

"What?" Zoe asked, completely clueless to Izumi's nature. (She didn't watch far enough into the series)

"Respect your elders," Izumi told Zoe in an I'm-three-seconds-from-kicking-your-butt tone.

"Um, um, Miss Izumi ma'am?" I grabbed Izumi's hand. "Let's start again, okay? And completely forget killing Zoe in her sleep!"

Zoe sweatdropped, then reached up and touched it as if it was something strange. Which, I guess it is.

"Very well," Izumi said, turning towards me. "I just hope your friend will be more respectful from now on."

Zoe snorted. "Whatever," she said under her breath.

Ed, me, and Al froze. I turned to try and plead Zoe's case, but it was too late. Far too late. In an instant, Izumi had grabbed Zoe by one of her arms, slung her into the air, and slammed her on her back on the ground. I squeaked and grabbed Al's arm as if he were a shield.

"Agh!" Zoe cried, completely not expecting such an attack. "What was that-"

"YOU WILL LEARN TO RESPECT YOUR ELDERS YOU BAD-MANNERED BRAT!" Izumi roared, picking Zoe up again and tossing her to the four winds, practically. Now Ed and I were both hiding behind Al, and all three of us were seeing our lives flash before our eyes.

Zoe slowly got up from where she had fallen, cracking her neck. "You wanna fight, old lady?" she said dangerously.

"Zoe!" I cried. "Don't-"

Izumi had made it to Zoe's side by then, and punched her in the stomach. As Zoe bent over from the blow, Izumi brought an elbow down on her back, knocking her to the ground again. I shed the relative safety of hiding behind Al and sprinted over, tears already falling.

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" Izumi yelled, cocking her fist.

"Miss Izumi, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I cried, running up and grabbing her fist. "Don't murder Zoe! She's my best friend! She doesn't know any better! She's sorry, she's really sorry, I swear! JUST DON'T MAKE HER CROSS THE RIVER STYX!"

"Risty May, go away!" Zoe growled as she slowly got up. "I can handle-"

"YOU CAN NOT!" I yelled at her. "You'll get yourself killed, and then I will be _soooo_ mad at you! You don't disrespect Miss Izumi like that! It's like taking yourself to the consnarking guillotine and chopping your own head off!"

Zoe blinked at my outburst, but I wasn't done. "You need to stop right now, because if you fight Miss Izumi and get beat up, I won't forgive you! I won't, I mean it, I swear!"

Izumi still had her fist cocked, and I had wrapped my arms around her elbow to try and stop her. Zoe brushed some dirt off her arm, and then, finally, relaxed her fighting stance. "Fine," she said, looking a little funny. "I won't fight."

"Miss Izumi, please, please forgive her?" I begged.

Izumi let her fist down. "This one time," she said, steely eyes and tone still fixed on Zoe. "I trust she's learned her lesson. Let's not have this happen again."

* * *

(Edward's P.O.V.)

* * *

"So...she _hasn't _been getting my body all beaten up?" I asked incredulously.

Teacher shook her head. "On the contrary. Risty May's prior gymnastics skills have given her a good range of flexibility. With the right amount of training, she could probably be as good a fighter as you."

"Really?" Al said, sounding happy.

"Of course, the 'right amount of training' would probably be about ten years."

We sweatdropped. "How come?" I asked.

"Risty May appears to have been living quite the sheltered life," Teacher commented, pushing a dreadlock out of her eyes. "And after seeing her friend today, I can figure out why."

I could see the disgust in Teacher's eyes at the mentioning of living a sheltered life. That's one of the things she is pretty much against. We were gathered in the dining room while Zoe and Risty May had "girl talk" in Risty May's guest room. Mason and Sig were out front in the butcher shop.

"So, what happened?" I asked. "I know that the Homunculi kidnapped her, thinking she was me, but how did you find her?"

Teacher's gaze flickered over me. "Actually, she found me," she said. "She screamed for my help while being chased by a Homunculus."

"Who was it?" Al asked.

"WHAT?" we heard from upstairs. Our heads turned up, and I recognized my outraged tone.

"I wonder what's going on?" Al thought aloud.

Teacher turned her attention away from the ceiling. "Nevermind that," she said. "When do you plan on going back to Central?"

"Tomorrow," I told her. "We need brainstorming time as soon as possible."

"I'm afraid not," Teacher told me, standing. "Risty May is in the middle of one of my week-long intensive training programs, and I can't have her leave until she's finished."

"But-"

Teacher loomed over me. "YOU WANT TO DISPUTE IT?" she asked.

I shrunk back. "N-No," I said.

"I didn't think so. Go to your room and unpack."

* * *

Risty May's P.O.V.

* * *

"I just can't believe you've been toughing it out as a boy for three weeks," Zoe said after we finished hugging again.

I laughed. "It wasn't easy," I admitted as I pulled off my shirt. "Acting like a boy, taking care of the automail, taking _showers_-sometimes it was a nightmare!"

"Seriously, how did you manage?" Zoe asked.

I looked over at her from where I was rummaging through some shirts in a dresser drawer. "I had no choice. It was either manage or blow my cover and probably get Edward killed. I had to do it."

Zoe looked confused, and I pulled out Ed's usual tank top. However, I put it back. Ed _never_ wore anything different. I pulled out a black V-neck shirt, which was at least a little different, and threw it on.

"I guess I just don't get it," Zoe finally said.

"Get what?" I asked as I pulled the tie out of my hair and grabbed a brush.

Zoe sighed heavily. "Well...I'm just used to protecting you, and all that. I just don't understand how you managed to protect yourself, without me around, for _three whole weeks_."

I stared at her. "Well, I wasn't totally alone. Al was there a lot. And Roy and Riza helped too." I fell silent as I started to brush my hair, a little disturbed at what Zoe had just told me.

"Well, I just-"

"I'm not a weakling, Zoe," I said, cutting her off for the second time. "Not anymore. I know I used to rely on you for everything, but I can't do that my whole life. Waking up as Ed was a huge wake-up call. I had to make my own decisions, be strong, hold back tears, fight. I got hurt a lot. But I did it anyway. I had someone to protect."

Zoe's brow furrowed.

"_Ed_, Zoe. I have his body. If I had gotten killed in it, it might have been the end for him. I have to protect him, and keep his body safe until I can give it back. Don't you see, Zo? I've grown up, at least a little."

I watched Zoe as she digested what I had just told her, and slowly took a deep breath. In the meantime, I brushed my hair and pulled it back into a high ponytail.

"So...you mean you don't need me anymore?"

I was startled. "What? No! Zoe, that's silly. Of course I need you. You're my best friend. _But_, you don't have to double as my protector. I can take care of myself, sometimes, okay? I'll still need your help a lot, but you can quit worrying."

"Oh, God, you _have_ grown up," Zoe groaned. "Damn, what happened to my Risty May?"

"I'm still your Risty May," I said, "just a different one."

Zoe let a little smile out. "Yeah. I guess you do need to grow up eventually."

"Exactly!" I plopped down on the bed beside her. "Now, how did you explain this to Ed without spoiling? I told them about me being from a different dimension. What'd you say?"

Zoe blinked, and then ducked her head. Spoiler alerts flashed in my head.

"Zoe..." I said, leaning forward suspiciously. "What did you tell Ed?"

"Um...I kinda told him he'd crossed the Gate."

"WHAT?"

"Well, since that's kind of the way it is in the movie!" Zoe said hastily.

"ZOE!" I cried. "We can't say that to them! What if telling him about the Gate early causes a chain reaction that gets him, like, _decapitated_ or something?"

Zoe's eyebrows scrunched.

"Look, if we mess with the storyline, things might not go as they're supposed to. That could throw things off and make the ending worse!"

"It could end up better, too!" Zoe argued.

"We can't take that risk!" I exclaimed.

"Well, I'm sorry! Jeez!" Zoe huffed and crossed her arms.

I pressed my lips together and flexed my automail fingers. "Okay, let's just make sure we don't spoil anymore, all right? And if anyone asks, Full Metal Alchemist is a story from our dimension that we've seen. _Dimension_, okay? Not the other side of the Gate."

"Now you're pushy," Zoe commented.

"I had to be like Ed for three weeks. Ed's pushy," I explained.

Zoe lightly punched my arm. "All right. No more spoiling. Scouts' honor."

"You were never a Girl Scout," I reminded her.

"So?"

I giggled and hugged her again. "I really missed you, Zoe."

"I missed you more than words can saaay, Risty May."

"I missed _that _too!" I laughed.

* * *

Envy: I'm tired of these stupid chapters. When is his story going to get interesting again, huh?  
Risty: It IS interesting!  
Envy: Yeah, to like, a four-year-old.  
Roy: It does need some spice. Say, a chapter about yours truly?  
Zoe: Nah, it needs more omake! Those are good!  
Lust: It NEEDS to be canned.  
Winry: Maybe some chapters about mechanics?  
Al: Or a cute kitty mascot?  
Wrath: It needs CANDY! AND LOTS OF IT!  
Ed: (sweatdrop) Zilo, you're not taking any of this in, are you?  
Zilo: (pulls out earplugs) What, Ed?  
Ed: -.-; Didn't think so.


	12. Super Sparring

Zilo: **Devil-Speaker, JazzyCat, Dragonlover, **thanks so much for your encouraging reviews! They make my day!

Zoe: _I _didn't find it funny.  
Zilo: But **Houran **did, and that's what counts! Anyway, I'm glad you liked it so much!  
Izumi: ..._What_ did she almost call me?  
Zilo: Nothing, nothing.

Al: Oh. Well, thanks for thinking of him, **Marie blaze.  
**Ed: LITTLE? !  
Risty: Well, I was just trying to have Ed mix it up a little. He never changes clothes in the anime, unless his are, like, shredded! Same for the hair!  
Zilo: On ho! Pneumonia! QUICK! TAKE DEEP BREATHS!

Risty: EEE! FROG ON MY HEAD!  
Zilo: It's just **Koinu-chan**.  
Risty: FROG ON HEAD! FROG ON HEAD! FROG ON-  
Zilo: Moving along. Don't worry about it at all, **K-c**! I'm glad you're a funny person! And I'm glad you tried!  
Envy: ...I'm not going to dignify that with a response.  
Risty: Aren't they all dead or something?  
Envy: ...See previous.

Zilo: W00t! **Ember Blaze**, separate from Marie! INDEPENDENCE, YEAH!  
Envy: Don't tell me what to do, you little-!  
Roy: ...You know you love it.  
Zilo: SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU! I'M TALKING TO **EMBER **RIGHT NOW!  
Zoe: All right, who fed her sugar?

* * *

Zilo: Yay! We've hit 100 pages of text!  
Risty: You mean, 100 pages of fun adventures with Risty May, Edward, and Company, right?  
Company: What do you mean, "and company"?  
Zilo: Hm, sure, whatevs. So, anyway, let's celebrate by...hmm, having a contest thingy! See below!

* * *

Note:

More wild P.O.V.-switching! Hope you don't lose your mind!  
**Extra Note: **The first person to correctly guess how Risty May and Edward switch back before Chapter 14 gets some really wicked awesome prize! I'm not saying what it is, because...I dunno. But I'll think of something! So start head scratching!

* * *

**TWELVE: Super Sparring**  
**AKA "Don't Assume A State Title"**

* * *

(Edward's P.O.V.)

* * *

"All right," Teacher said the next morning. "Since Edward has been so kind as to join us, he'll be a part of the lesson today."

In actuality, Teacher had snatched me out of bed and hurled me out the back door. She had then glanced at a rack of knives, and Risty May, who was sitting at the table, screamed in horror and hurled herself out the back door. I was still in those creepy red pajamas of Risty May's, my hair in a loose ponytail. Risty May had on a black and blue-striped shirt and sweatpants, and her hair was in another high ponytail. We stood about twelve feet from each other, with Teacher standing six feet from us both, making a triangle shape in the backyard.

"You two will spar," Teacher went on.

It was about eight-thirty in the morning. Excluding today, there were only two more days of Risty May's intensive training, and then we could leave for Central. Zoe was becoming an expert at avoiding Teacher, since she had learned the hard way to respect her. Al was making himself at home as usual, helping Sig and Mason out in the shop at the moment.

"And you'll also use alchemy," Teacher said.

My head snapped to Teacher's face. "What!" Risty May and I cried in unison.

"B-But, Miss Izumi, I still can't do alchemy very well!" Risty May pointed out.

"And I can't do it at all in this body!" I said.

"SILENCE, BOTH OF YOU!" Izumi yelled. "What is the point of having obstacles to face if you only whine about them?" She looked at Risty May. "This will be an excellent chance to bone up your skills." Her head whipped to face me. "And you can still draw circles, _can't_ you?"

I swallowed. Of course I could. I could make one with a six foot diameter in about twelve seconds. But I had gotten used to just clapping my hands. And I currently had nothing to write with.

"Good," Teacher said, stepping back a bit. "First one on their back on the ground wins. Begin!"

Although I had nothing personally against Risty May, didn't mind her learning to fight and use alchemy, and wasn't too keen on beating up either a girl _or _my own body, I still wanted to win. I like winning. I figured it wouldn't take very much, so I resolved I'd go ahead and go easy on her.

We approached each other, and I adopted an easy fighting stance. Risty May took one up too, and I was a little surprised at its relative effectiveness. "Ready?" I asked, raising a brow.

Risty May gulped, but nodded. I noticed she was defending with the automail arm, which she probably thought was a good move. She took a deep breath, then ran at me, fist cocked to punch. I easily sidestepped the move, and Risty May swung her foot at me. I ducked under the attack and hit her in the stomach with my elbow. I noted that my abs were still rock-hard(1) even though it had been three weeks since they had been properly trained.

The elbow jab pushed Risty May back a bit, and she sucked in a breath before trying again. I dodged the flying fists and feet, while Teacher yelled at Risty May from the sidelines.

"You're telegraphing your punches! Keep your guarding arm down! Stop hitting from that angle! Bend your knees when you land!"

I grabbed Risty May's latest punch and used the momentum to yank her up into the air. Risty May let out a little "eek!" as she flipped over my head and landed flat on her back behind me.

"I win," I announced, letting go of her arm.

Teacher sighed as she came up. "When you're punching, you have to be able to draw power without hauling back," she said. "That way you don't telegraph punches. Like this."

Before I could blink, Teacher had coldcocked me square in the face. I fell back and landed beside Risty May.

"Oh, like that?" Risty May said, staring at me from her position on the ground.

"Exactly."

I sat up, rubbing my jaw. Risty May sat up also. "Best two out of three?" she asked me hopefully, pulling my features into a particularly girly expression.

I stared at her. "You want to do it again?"

Risty May nodded. "Please?"

"An excellent idea," Teacher said over us, "considering you haven't fought with alchemy yet."

We got up and went back to our places. The second battle started, and this time, I rushed Risty May, clapping my hands together out of habit. I slammed them on the ground, but just a split second before I hit, I remembered whose body I wasn't in.

However, a flash of blue light surrounded the ground under my hands, and like I had wanted, a fist made of earth burst from the ground and rushed towards Risty May. So I still had my ability! Go figure!

Risty May looked scared, but she faced the fist head-on. She clapped her own hands, making me blink, and slammed them on the ground. A sudden explosion caused a cloud of dirt and smoke to cloak Risty May's position. The fist traveled straight through the cloud, not seeming to hit anything.

"How?" I found myself saying. "How can she use alchemy without a circle?"

What a strange turn of events it was.

However, instead of pondering it, I recognized that I was in the middle of a fight and stayed on alert. A sudden shadow fell over me, and I looked up to see a twenty-foot-tall stand, made of rocks and dirt and looking incredibly unsteady and amateur-ish, looming over me. About halfway down the length of the stand, Risty May was falling towards me, foot out as if to kick. I sideflipped to avoid the attack, and Risty May landed stiffly on _my _automail, without bending the knee. I grimaced at the internal damage that might do to it.

Risty May clapped her hands again and slammed the right one against the stand. It exploded, sending dirt clouds and flying rocks everywhere. I clapped my hands and erected an earthen wall to protect me from flying debris. Once it died down a little, I whipped around it and locked on to where Risty May was in the dissipating cloud.

I lunged toward her and threw a punch. Risty May barely dodged it and scrambled out of the way. I used a roundhouse kick to hit her in the side, and Risty May tumbled. I thought for sure she'd land on her back, but she managed to twist and land awkwardly on one hand and one knee. I clapped my hands and then froze, realizing I had just been about to try and transmute my automail blade. Instead I quickly changed plans and slammed my palms into the ground, making two more earthen fists that went flying at Risty May. She righted herself and clapped her hands.

But she just stood there.

I came after the fists, prepared to strike in case she dodged them. Risty May waited until they were about to hit her, then squeezed her-_my_-man this is confusing-eyes shut and stuck out her hands, touching both earthen fists. They exploded into multiple-sized chunks, and I had to leap over and duck under several flying pieces. In the dust cloud I was barely able to make out Risty May, but I found her and grabbed her arm. Risty May punched me in the stomach, and it actually hurt. But I ignored the pain and yanked her forwards. As she stumbled past me, I delivered a light kick to the back of her knees, which instantly made her fall. Then I pulled her backwards so she fell on her back.

The cloud settled down, displaying several pieces of dirt and rock scattered across Teacher's yard. She strode up to us.

"I win again," I commented.

Risty May rubbed her arm and sat up. "Best three out of five!" she exclaimed.

I opened my mouth to say no.

"Sounds good to me," Izumi said. "Begin!"

* * *

Risty May's P.O.V.

* * *

"Best...eleven...out of...twenty-one?" I tried, barely able to catch my breath.

Ed, who was in a much better way than me, looked a little worried. "Don't you think you're pushing a bit hard? You really don't look so good."

And I felt three times as bad as I looked. "No!" I said fiercely. "I have to get better. Best eleven out-"

When I went to rise, my automail didn't follow my orders, and I found myself falling headlong towards the ground. I squeezed my eyes shut, bemoaning the extra pain my head would receive.

Instead I was stopped a few inches from being head-dented. I opened my eyes to see that Izumi had caught me by the back of my shirt. She pulled me back upright. "You need to rest," she said.

Tears bloomed in my eyes. "But...I haven't gotten stronger yet." Zoe's words last afternoon had upset me. Apparently, all my life I had been depending on other people, letting them fight my battles while I stood by. If I didn't do something, I'd be a sap my whole life.

"No, that's enough," Izumi said calmly but firmly.

I recognized the tone and gave up resisting. Izumi tugged the back of my shirt and pulled me towards the back door. "Edward, fix my back yard," she called over her shoulder.

"WHAT?" Ed cried, making my voice screech. I winced. "Risty May made most of the mess with all those explosions! She should be-"

One moment later, Ed was sailing into the air. "WHEN I TELL YOU TO DO SOMETHING, YOU DO IT!" Izumi roared at him, lowering her fist from her mighty uppercut.

I gawked as Ed crashed into a tree, hoping my body wouldn't be permanently damaged. When Izumi tugged on my shirt again, I turned and bolted towards the back door, afraid of her wrath (hehe! Joke! Get it? Afraid of her wrath, when _Wrath_ is her...nevermind). My automail malfunctioned again at the steps, and I bashed my face into the door.

"No need to run," Izumi commented from behind me.

I pulled my face off the door, my nose now burning. "Erm...I see," I said a bit nasally.

Izumi shook her head and pushed open the door, following me inside. Zoe was sitting the floor clipping her toenails with some nail scissors, but when she saw Izumi she immediately got up and hurried to the next room. At the doorway, however, Izumi had caught up with her and grabbed the back of her shirt.

"You left a bit of a mess on my floor," Izumi said dangerously, indicating the area littered with multicolored toenail clippings.

Zoe swallowed, doing some major sweating. "U-Um..."

"Clean it up."

"Yes ma'am!" Zoe sprang back to the area and started picking up clippings. I sweatdropped.

* * *

"HAI-YAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I bellowed, banging my fist into Al's hand.

Al laughed. "You sound like a real warrior," he said playfully.

"Yay!" I cheered. "HAI-YAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I banged my fist into his other hand.

"You do know the yelling is kind of unnecessary, right?" Ed asked from where he sat on the front steps. Zoe sat behind him, taking care of my hair. I was glad, because Ed didn't seem like the kind to do the whole ritual himself.

"But it's fun!" I protested. "HAI-YAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I kicked Al's hand.

"OW!" Ed yelled, as Zoe yanked his head at a serious right angle.

Zoe swiped on some moisturizer and started combing it through brownish-black strands of hair. "Sorry," she said, not sounding like she really meant it.

"HAI-YAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I kicked Al's other hand.

It was the last day of my intensive training with Izumi. Thanks to her, I actually had the ability to defend myself in fights. The slightly better grasp on alchemy kind of ended up being me doing a whole bunch of blowing up stuff.

"I AM THE EXPLOSION ALCHEMIST!" I announced, pounding Al's hand.

We were leaving for the train station in about two hours. Izumi and Sig had left to do something butcher-related. Everybody was packed up and ready to go, but we didn't dare leave without saying goodbye. Our luggage was stacked next to the steps, where Zoe was doing Ed's hair (my hair).

"You'd have to pass the State Exam for that," Ed said dryly. "Then the Fuhrer would have to decide that was a fitting title."

"Well, if I only blow stuff up, what else could he call me?" I pointed out cheerfully.

"The Blow Stuff Up Alchemist," Ed said.

I blinked, then realized he was joking. "Or the Kaboom Alchemist!" I said.

"Or the Destructive Alchemist," Zoe commented, pulling out a hair ribbon.

"Or the Spontaneous Combustion Alchemist," Ed said with a smirk.

"Or the Dynamite Alchemist!" I cheered, doing a cartwheel.

"Or the TNT Alchemist," Zoe said, pulling so hard on the first braid that Ed winced.

"Or..." I stopped to consider what else the Fuhrer could call me. "Or the Detonating Alchemist!"

"Or the Incinerating Alchemist!" Al piped up.

"I could be like Colonel Roy!" I said.

"Colonel Bastard?" Ed said incredulously.

"Colonel Mustard?" Zoe said at the same time, in the same tone.

Ed blinked and looked up at her. "Mustard?"

"Yeah. A combination of 'Mustang' and 'bastard'. Mustard," Zoe said matter-of-factly. She finished Ed's second braid and patted his shoulder.

"Like the Clue piece!" I realized, and Zoe nodded.

A wicked smile crossed Ed's face.

"We're back," Izumi announced as she and Sig walked up. Sig was carrying a bunch of boxes (they seemed to do that a lot).

Ed and Zoe got up, stretching from sitting down so long. "We're about to leave, Teacher," Al said.

"I see that," Izumi said. "Very well. Safe trip. Edward, I expect you to help Risty May with alchemy and fighting. And try to stay out of trouble, all of you."

Ed nodded.

"All right, go on," Izumi said.

We grabbed our things and started off, waving and yelling back farewells. Before we had gotten far, I realized I had forgotten something and hurried back. "Miss Izumi!"

She turned from where she was about to walk into her shop, just in time for me to hug her. "Thank you so much for helping me and teaching me stuff," I said. "I would never have thought I could fight if it weren't for you!"

Izumi patted my shoulders. I looked up at her to see one of her winning smiles. "Of course," she said. "I expect you to keep it up, though. The next time we meet, I want to see some improvement!"

"Yes _ma'am_!" I said, snapping off a salute. I waved to her and Sig and then hurried to catch up with the others.

* * *

"_There_they are," a voice lazily drawled. "They couldn't hide forever. It looks like the pipsqueak's back."

"Hmm. So Dante was right."

"Yep. Which means we get to take the brat out. Good. I'm still mad at her."

Lust lifted a slender brow, briefly turning from watching the party of four enter the train station. "And why is that?"

Envy glared at the four. He usually hated that figure because it was the pipsqueak. But now it was that girl, and he hated her too. He still didn't know how she had known so much about him, and he still seethed about her throwing it in his face. He couldn't wait to watch her die, see her struggle uselessly against him before he ended it for her. "I need a reason?" he said, his usual mocking tone masking the anger he felt towards that stupid girl.

"Of course not. Shall we follow them on the train?"

"Yes, let's."

Gluttony snickered. "Can I eat one of them?" he asked eagerly.

"How about that blond girl?" Envy said, pointing at the other girl's back.

Gluttony's small eyes gleamed, and he started to drool.

"Ugh. Suck it up, fatty," Envy said, disgusted.

* * *

(1) Ed's rock-hard abs: Even as I wrote this sentence, I was cracking up terribly. Who knew Ed cared so much about his six-pack?

Ed: It's time to go home, everyone! So go!  
Envy: And try to avoid coming back.  
Zilo: You guys...suck at this.  
Roy: So can we go home?  
Risty: Um, so please read the Omake Theater short below!

* * *

**OMAKE THEATER  
**_Short Shot: The Mary-Sue Exam_

"Guess what," Roy said one fine day, after Risty May and Ed had miraculously swapped back, and Risty May and Zoe were still there, and a bunch of other stuff had happened that was all at once funny, exciting, scary, cute, fluffy, sad, and heart-warming.

"What?" Risty May asked, in the middle of writing her sixth _Alchemy for OC Dummies _book.

"This came in the mail for you," Roy said, tossing her a medal.

Risty May caught it and looked down at it in confusion. "Whah...? 'No. 1 _Mary Sue_'?"

Ed, Al, and Zoe looked up from where they were doing nothing. "B-But...this can't be," Risty May said, feeling sick. "The authoress took so much pains to make me flawed and relatable!"

"Unfortunately, some things have happened that seem to drop you into the dreaded category," Roy said.

"Like what?" Risty May demanded with uncharacteristic belligerence.

"Well, remember that battle with the Homunculi, where you single-handedly beat them all with your explosion-themed alchemy?"

Silence. "...So?" Risty May said.

"And then the next day, the Fuhrer moved the State Alchemy exam up exactly four months and twelve days, just so you could take it. And all you had to do to pass was defeat me in a fight, which you did with one hand alchemically tied behind your back."

More silence from Risty May. "He does have a point," Zoe commented, turning a page in her _How To Successfully Do Nothing _book.

"B-But, still, I don't think that merits a Mary-Sue rating..."

"I'm not done." Roy whipped out a sheet of paper with scraggly handwriting on it. "You passed with flying colors and were awarded the title Explosion Alchemist. However, even though you're a dog of the military, the people love you for no apparent reason, even more than they do Edward."

Ed scowled, not liking being reminded.

"Also, you had a rematch with Izumi Curtis last week and apparently, quote, 'kicked her karate arse to Kansas'."

"_I _came up with that quote," Zoe said proudly.

Risty May bit one of her fingernails.

"In a few short weeks you've learned more about alchemy than Ed and Al's years of research combined. You've suddenly matured into an incredibly hot, beautiful, busty 14-year-old. And if I'm not mistaken, you're growing Philosopher's Stones in your room."

"STONE-ZZZZ?" Ed repeated incredulously, stressing the plural part.

Risty May turned red. "Well...they make awesome jewelry...but still, Roy, I don't think this makes me a Mary Su-"

"Oh, and Envy's downstairs, waiting to pick you up for your date."

Dead silence.

"You know what?" Zoe said, standing slowly. "I think you are officially a Mary-Sue."

"That's not good, is it?" Al asked.

"Not in the least," Ed confirmed.


	13. Don't Let Your Guard Down

Zilo: Nope! Nobody got it right! I keep my prize!  
Envy: (sarcastically) Oh, WHAT a shame.  
Risty: Indeed! Now there's only the review responses left!  
Zilo: And so many reviews this time!  
Envy: What, did you bribe them?  
Zilo: SILENCE! Anyhow, if I miss saying thanks to anyone, forgive me! I'm speed-updating in class...

* * *

Zilo: (reserves a giant thank-you hug for **Arktos**) Two reviews! And they're so big! I can't fit a worthy response in here, but I sent you one! Thank you so, so much!

Risty: Yes! JOIN, **Wandering Hitokiri**! Bring Annora (and company)! SAVE ME!  
Zilo: Hey, hey now! Things must go as they-  
Risty: Easy for you to say! You won't be fighting!  
Zilo: Hmm...you raise a good point! **Phantom SunSong**, glad you liked it so much! **Houran**, it's quite the funny story...not really. My sister gave me the idea. I hope your mind un-blanks soon!

Risty: Is that **Marie**?  
Zoe: No, I think it's **Ember blaze**.  
Roy: ...Whatever, little psychopath.  
Envy: (snorts) I'd like to see some porch try and touch me.  
Zilo: No, Veranda's a person...vampire.  
Envy: Whatever. It still can't touch me.  
Ed: What's that supposed to mean, huh? You stupid girl!

Zilo: **SV Green, **thank you exceedingly! I'm a grammar nut, so compliments like those make me the happiest!

Risty: ...F-Frog's gone...phew...  
Zilo: **Koinu-chan**'s here! Yay!  
Risty: Ooh! Is Ming some kind of vacation spot?  
Ed: ...  
Others: (back away)  
Ed: (explodes like fireworks) IFYOUDON' 'LLFREAKINGKILLYOU!  
Izumi: (looks at "Izumi") Nice try, but my bosom isn't that huge. And I don't have a tail.

Zilo: **Atemu'sLotus**, thanks so much!  
Risty: Realy? Uh-oh...this is bad!  
Zoe: That wasn't MY favorite part! (steamed)

Zilo: Hey! Why did nobody tell **AdventureAddict **I have updated?  
Roy: Because we didn't care?  
Ed: Didn't I already answer that question? It's fun to see her in fanfic-induced-  
Zilo: Anyway! Oh, wow, that was such a touching Ed impersonation! (blots eyes with tissue)  
Zoe: Like Ed would ever be that sensible.  
Ed: Hey!  
Zoe: You heard me, Napoleon!

Zilo: **Eloquent Liar, **thank you for your compliments! **Atemu'sLotus**-hey, I just talked to you, didn't I?  
Envy: AHA! They're doubling up! THAT'S how you got so many reviews.  
Zilo: Don't matter, I'm happy! Hey, I love guesses, so never feel afraid to guess! And I will! Please keep reading!

Zilo: **Shinkutsuki**, I love you! So many reviews! Thank you! I was so happy!  
Roy: I sense she'd had sugar at some point after the start of the chapter.  
Zilo: Yes! Tell random people! Lots and lots of random people! AND I WILL TAKE OVER FANFICTIONDOTNET AND-uh, sorry. Thank you again! And thanks also to **Kiisaru Kimi no Kadoke**!

Zoe: Hey, **writingdreamer **doesn't know what a Mary-Sue is!  
Risty: WE'VE GOT TO HELP!  
Zilo: A Mary-Sue is an original character in fanfics that is basically perfect. In the FMA world, a Mary-Sue is a girl who looks great, probably falls in love with a main character (such as Ed or Envy) becomes a whiz at alchemy in very little time (or can somehow perform alchemy by clapping their hands) or has some tragic past. (Male version is Gary-Stu) Other variations include the offspring of a main character, a new Homunculus, a childhood friend of a main character, etc, etc. Basically someone who gets to do a lot of cool things for no reason other than the author wants them to. They're actually quite annoying because they can solve all their problems, don't get in trouble, save the day all the time, and tick off most readers.  
Envy: SHUTTHEHELLUPYOULITTLEPUNK!  
Zilo: CAKE! (dives on and devours)

Zilo: (face covered in cake) On ho! Did I miss a review from **Half Human Homunculi**? (starts to frantically look)  
Izumi: If you're going to use one of my moves, be prepared to enroll in one of my month-long rigorous training sessions.  
Risty: I know! It made me sad! What if that happens to me?  
Zoe: I'll hit you if it does.  
Envy: ...  
Ed: Better than me! That would have screwed up the Omake, in my opinion.  
Envy: All of you, shut up.  
Zilo: I CAN'T FIND IT!

* * *

**THIRTEEN: Don't Let Your Guard Down**  
**AKA "Final Battle?"**

* * *

(Edward's P.O.V.)

* * *

"I'd like all your fives, please."

"Aww..."

"Yay! Now, um, I'd like all your twos, please."

"Ah..."

"Yay! I win!"

Al bowed his head in defeat. "Aw. I lost again."

I merely gaped at Risty May, who cheerfully placed down her last set, radiating her girlish self even in my body. "You are scary," I told her.

"What is this, 17-0-0-0?" Zoe guessed.

"18-0-0-0!" Risty May corrected.

"You must be cheating," I decided.

Risty May shook her head as Zoe gathered the cards, accidentally bumping her knees against the underside of our small card table. "I just like Go Fish a whole lot!" she said.

"And Hearts and Spades and Rummy 500 and Egyptian Rummy and Dai Hin Min and Poker and Blackjack and 4-Way War," Zoe commented, shuffling the deck of cards.

"Are there any other card games to play?" Al asked.

"Nerts!" Risty May exclaimed.

I quirked an eyebrow. "Nerts? I don't think I've played that."

"Oh, it's simple," Zoe said, and proceeded to explain the game to me.

"Oh, yeah. _Real _simple," I said sarcastically as Risty May somehow produced three more decks of cards. "With 208 cards in play, it's going to be _insanely_ simple."

"Does someone need a nap?" Zoe said in a I'll-jolly-along-the-retarded-child voice.

I glared at her.

"Guys, don't fight," Al said in what sounded like exasperation.

* * *

Risty May's P.O.V.

* * *

"Nerts!" I announced about two hours later.

"Ah, crap," Zoe said, dropping her deck. Ed slapped down the card he had just been about to play.

"You guys are sore losers," Al commented as he started to stack his non-point cards.

Zoe snorted. "Easy for you to say," Ed grumbled, picking up a couple of piles. "You're in second place."

When we had finally counted points, I was in first place, with 523. Al cut a close second with 501, and Zoe and Ed weren't even in triple digits.

"Let's not play this anymore," Zoe grumbled, shuffling her deck.

There was a general consensus. "Then I win!" I cheered, taking the decks back and dumping them into Zoe's backpack. "That was fun!"

The others more or less agreed, and I turned my gaze out the window. The sun was almost completely down. We had spent the whole day on the train, playing cards and talking. The train station was just coming up, and there we'd get off and spend the night, waiting for our connection to Central.(2)

When the train finally pulled in, the sun was gone, and night had fallen. We collected all our stuff and got off with the few other passengers. "So what's the plan?" I asked of Ed, happy to relinquish the leader role.

"Well, the train will be here in about eight hours, so we can just spend the night here at the station."

"What?" Zoe and I exclaimed in unison.

"Where are we gonna sleep? The freaking _ground_?" Zoe said incredulously.

Ed cast a look around. "There's a few benches," he commented.

"But-well..." I sighed. Since I still had to play the male for the benefit of strangers, I couldn't voice my concerns about sleeping outside in the hard, dirty lumpyness. Boys roughed it out, didn't they?

"There is no way. You hear me, Napoleon? NO. WAY." Zoe pointed a condemning finger in Ed's face. "Why don't you whip out some of that almighty cash you're always carrying around and get us rooms at an inn?"

"First we'd have to find one," Ed said, gesturing to the hokey-pokey town we had stopped in.

The noise of crickets filled the silence as we pondered that.

"Then," Ed continued, "we'd have to make sure it wasn't too far from the station. Then we'd need some way to wake up in time so we could get ready and come down. If we stay here, the train will wake us up when it comes in. Problem solved."

"Hell no!" Zoe replied in a perfectly reasonable tone. "I don't sleep in dirt! You wanna know what _does _sleep in dirt? Bugs and rats and other crawly things. No-hoh thank you."

I tapped her arm. "Maybe it won't be so bad," I told her. "We could find a nice clean spot-"

"There _are _no nice clean spots outside!" Zoe interrupted. "And why aren't you making a bigger stink? I know you hate outdoorsy just as much as I do."

I bit my lip. I did, but that was back in Normal Land, where I wasn't concerned with injury and making trains and all that. "Well..."

I saw Ed's head suddenly move, as if he had heard something. I stopped talking and watched him, while Zoe took a breath to complain some more.

"Did you hear that?" Al asked.

"So I'm not imagining things," Ed said, carefully scanning the darkness. For the first time, I realized we had been left alone at the train station, and the possibility of danger made me swallow hard. _Please, please just be a dumb woodland creature or something_...

"We know you're out there!" Ed yelled, still sounding daring and fearsome with my not-daring, not-fearsome voice. "Show yourself!"

There was a chuckle that ran down my back like ice water, and I involuntarily shivered, recognizing the voice behind it. "Somehow, you just aren't as scary today, pipsqueak," a voice sounded from somewhere in the darkness.

Envy.

The thought flashed through my brain like a light, and I sucked in a breath. Nope, never ever think of Envy the same again, will I. I backed away from the direction his voice seemed to come in, a little closer to Ed and his mad fighting skills. Al and Zoe were doing the same, so our backs were to each other, facing out in a tight circle. At least he couldn't jump out and surprise us from behind.

"Envy," Ed said darkly. "Come out, you coward, and face me!"

Another spine-chilling chuckle, and then I heard a strange whishing noise, as if someone were moving very quickly through the air behind me. I whirled at the sound of something slicing into metal and saw Al with his forearm up, blocking something dark and pointy from spearing Ed's face. There was the sound of movement, and from the other end of the pointy thing, Lust appeared. She had this wicked-looking smile on her face.

"Envy..._and_ Lust?" I found myself saying in a hushed voice.

"Just stay calm and stick close," Zoe told me in her no-nonsense voice, her green eyes focused on something in front of her. I squinted and could just barely make out the outline of someone short and large, with huge arms. It didn't take much to figure out that it was Gluttony.

"So nice of you all to join us," Lust said in her usual smooth voice, her eyes moving from and to each of us. "We were beginning to wonder if we'd ever see the real you again, Full Metal."

"Well, here I am," Ed said, somehow twisting my face into a very Ed-like smirk. "I forgot to bring a souvenir."

"No matter," Lust said. "I don't care much for things anyway." She sharply withdrew her nail from Al's arm.

At that very moment, Gluttony lunged from the shadows towards Zoe, mouth wide open like he wanted to take a bite. Zoe managed to duck him and kicked him in the back with her foot, sending him sprawling face-first in the dirt. Lust sliced at Ed and Al with both hands, somehow able to track and attack both at once. Al blocked her repeatedly while Ed launched his own attacks. I turned to help when I heard something land behind me and whirled.

Of all people, Envy now stood only two feet behind me, violet eyes glinting evilly. "Hello again, brat," he said, a sick smirk on his face.

I swallowed, hard. My legs refused to obey me. I heard Zoe squash her foot into Gluttony's face, and Alphonse get his arm speared again, but my full attention was focused on Envy. Shakily, I tried to sound confident. "C-C-Conforking stalker," a stammered.

"Guess what?" Envy said, leaning so close that a strand of his hair tickled my forehead. "Now that the pipsqueak's back, there's no reason to keep you around anymore. Your incredibly limited usefulness is already gone. So I get to do this."

Even with my eyes riveted on Envy's face, I saw something flash in my peripheral vision. Instead of flying away, Izumi's lessons mercifully tumbled back, and I dived away from Envy's spike-arm. It swished over my head. I landed on my knees and jumped to my feet, dropping into a fighting stance.

"I'm ready for you this time," I said, sounding braver than I felt.

"Oh are you?" Envy said, not looking in the least perturbed. He lunged at me, and I was barely able to raise my automail and block a stab of the spike. He quickly withdrew it and tried again, and I half-blocked. It scraped the side of my automail and stabbed my sleeve, scratching my skin without drawing blood. I immediately shot out a kick at Envy's stomach, but he dodged it, whirling around me before I could blink. I knew he'd stab me in the back within nanoseconds, so I did the only thing I could: clapped my hands lightning-fast and slammed them on the ground.

The dirt beneath my gloved palms exploded upward and outward, creating a billowing cloud. I used the cover to scramble away, while racing to come up with a plan.

Suddenly, something slammed into the side of my head, knocking me on my side. I gritted my teeth and held back a cry of pain as I used the momentum to roll away. Someone was coming after me, and I kept furiously rolling, trying to get enough clearance to jump to my feet. When I thought I had enough, I stopped and rocketed to my knees.

Just in time to get bashed in the chin.

I thought my whole skull split as I clapped my hands to my cheeks and chin and fell backwards. I hit my head, causing the star-dotted sky to spin. I saw something plunging towards me, and rolled away, hearing whatever it was stab the dirt. I stumbled to my knees and tried to get away, my vision kind of dizzy from the kicks to my head and chin.

Someone jerked me backwards by my coat, and I scrambled to use the momentum to stand. I stumbled backwards into someone's chest, and looked up to see Envy. Panicking, I clapped my hands again.

At this point, my memory is incredibly hazy, for reasons I suppose you can guess. All I know is, I felt a violent jerk at the skin on my chest, and then my vision became blurrier, and I started to lose it. I stumbled forward about three steps, dimly realizing something had happened to me. I heard someone scream like that lady from _Psycho _or something, and I managed to make my automail hand rise to my chest and feel for whatever it was.

I found the spike. It was jammed right through where my chest and shoulder met.

Somehow I was still standing. The person screamed again, only this time they were calling my name. The stars started swirling very fast, blending with the darkness, like how it is if you unfocus your eyes. I know I felt my feet fail me, and a tiny something back in my brain informed me that I was probably undergoing incredible excruciating, blinding, terrible, awful pain. But I couldn't feel it. Shock does that to you!

I thought I heard some woman saying something to me. It was like I was underwater, because her words were all blurry, but she sounded like she was saying nice things.

"Mom?" I tried.

And, um, that's as much as I remember.

* * *

(Edward's P.O.V.)

Either I hadn't trained in a while, or Lust had, because she was able to fight both me and Al at once. Al blocked and countered her strikes while I tried to get a hit in. Once I did, and I lopped off her entire left arm; of course, it grew right back.

I glanced out of the corner and my eye and saw the girls going at it. Zoe was somehow holding her own with Gluttony, managing to keep him from chewing her face off, but it looked like she had taken a few hits. And Risty May was tangling ineffectively with Envy. I knew that she probably needed help the most.

"Al, can you handle this?" I asked, ducking under a razor-sharp nail.

"Maybe-" a nail sliced through his face, ew "-why?"

"The girls need help!" I said.

Al nodded, and then began to attack Lust in earnest. She took her attention off me to deal with him, and I hurried to help Zoe and Risty May.

I heard a sharp clap, and then the area that Risty May and Envy had been in was engulfed in a dirt cloud. Gluttony stopped his onslaught for a moment, distracted by it, and Zoe took the opportunity to smash both fists into his throat. Gluttony choked, and I followed the move up with a double kick and pounded him into the ground. Zoe hooked her leg around Gluttony's huge arm, and, with a bit of difficulty, twisted it into a very awkward position. She looked up at me and grinned. "Took me two years to get that right," she said.

"Can you handle this?" I asked, seeing Gluttony's regenerating power begin to kick in.

"If the damn beast would stop magically healing," Zoe growled, stomping Gluttony's head.

"Not going to happen," I said, keeping an eye on the dust cloud, looking for movement. "We can't leave Risty May alone with Envy too long."

Zoe started as if she had been stung. "Oh, _crap_!" She whirled towards the dust cloud. "Finish off Sumo, would you? I've gotta help Risty May!"

Gluttony was just getting to his feet. I clapped and slammed my hands onto the ground. A wave of earth washed over him, sealing him inside an earthen dome. I solidified the dirt into a stone-like substance and then hurried after Zoe.

The dirt cloud was just starting to dissipate. Risty May was stumbling away in a drunken fashion, holding her cheeks and chin. I saw blood staining one of the white gloves she wore. An arm shot out of the dirt cloud and grabbed the hood of her coat, snatching her back. Risty May managed to get to her feet, in time to back right into Envy.

_Dammit! _I poured on the speed. Zoe was closing in faster, her fists already primed to pummel Envy. _Hurry, hurry, hurry_!

A split second before, I saw his hand morph again, and opened my mouth to shout a warning.

"L-"

Too late.

As if forced to watch the worst gore scene in any movie, I was halted in my tracks, transfixed in the most horrible sense of the word, as Envy's arm, now morphed into a thin spike, exploded through her chest. _My _chest. Zoe was still running, but I could see the determination on her face switch to absolute horror.

Risty May pulled herself away from Envy, already looking lightheaded. Zoe screeched to a halt and let out an earsplitting scream. I could only stare, as Risty May reached up, found the spike, looked into the sky, and then, as if in slow motion, slowly spun to the ground. Envy yanked his weapon of death out of her body.

My body.

_That _body.

"RISTY MAY!" Zoe screamed, hands flying up to her mouth.

"You...BASTARD!" I roared, not even knowing what I was saying. Risty May's eyes-_my _eyes-lost all sense of life and drifted closed. I took off in Envy's direction, hands poised to clap, ready to tear him limb from limb.

But it didn't work that way. Something suddenly seized my heart, and I couldn't breathe. I stumbled to a stop, confused and disoriented. My eyes fell on Risty May, who lay motionless in my body, possibly, probably, dead. My hand went to my chest, and for a split second I thought I felt something that had gone through it, like _I _had been skewered.

And then I fell.

That's it. Happy, you bastard?

Edward Elric, age 16  
Full Metal Alchemist

* * *

/Normal P.O.V./

* * *

"DAMN YOU DAMN YOU DAMN YOU!" Zoe screamed, running headlong at Envy. He turned and saw her in her wild fury, but didn't look nervous in the least. "I'LL KILL YOU, YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD!" She threw fists and feet at him, but he blocked them all, easily knocking her to the ground.

"Stop complaining," Envy said, raising his now bloody spike. "You'll see her again soon enough."

Raging like a bull, Zoe swiped up two fistfuls of dirt and launched them straight into Envy's evil eyes. He reared back, temporarily blinded, and Zoe jumped up. She grabbed his spike arm and jerked it so hard that there was an audible crack. Then, without further ado, she twisted the blade around and shoved it straight into Envy's stomach. He staggered backwards, now blind _and _impaled.

"Halt! State police!"

Zoe reared back to pummel Envy some more, but a large hand grabbed hers. "Zoe! Step back!" It was Al. He pulled her backwards just as several officers fired on Envy. He took the brunt of the attack and was knocked to the ground.

"YOU BASTARD! YOU BASTARD!" Zoe screeched, all of her blind rage directed at Envy. He started to regenerate, spitting out a couple of bullets, just as the officers let out another round of gunfire. Lust appeared behind him, regenerating from her own multiple gunshot wounds, and hauled him up. Somehow they disappeared into the night, several soldiers giving chase.

"Don't let them escape!" the officer in charge yelled to his men. Seeing the bodies, he followed that up with a second yell. "And send for medics! Quickly!"

All the rage seeped out of Zoe, and she collapsed on her knees, tears gathering in her eyes. She looked over to where the bodies were. The one Ed had been in, Risty May's, lay facedown in the dirt. His own body, which Risty May inhabited, faced up towards the moon, eyes mercifully closed, the hole in its chest and lack of movement the only indication that it wasn't merely a sleeping person.

"Oh my God," Zoe said, more tears coming. She covered her eyes with her bruised fists. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God."

"Brother?" Al ventured fearfully, kneeling over Risty May's body.

"Hoh my God, oh my God..."

* * *

(2) I don't know at all how long it takes to get from Central to Dublith and vice versa, be it a day or a week. Let's dive into the creative license pool and say about two days, eh?

Risty: Zi-looo! You said you wouldn't kill me!  
Zilo: Did I say that? Hmm, I don't seem to remember...  
Ed: WHY ARE YOU KILLING US OFF? Sadistic author!  
Zilo: Ess. Author_ess_.  
Envy: Hmm, I liked the fight scene. Except the part where I got all beat up.  
Zoe: Another fight scene? Sounds like it's time for the return of...  
Zilo/Zoe/Risty: The Interviewer!  
Others: (sweatdrop)

* * *

OMAKE THEATER

_Interview With Some Homunculi (and these unimportant human people)_

"So!" The Interviewer, or IV, said, now sitting across from Envy, Lust, Gluttony, Risty May, Zoe, and Ed and Al. "I hear this fight scene took a long time to coordinate. How was that?"

"If you don't know how I feel by now, you're a pretty crappy interviewer," Lust commented.

"I liked it because I got to kick certain people's butts," Zoe said brightly.

Risty May nodded. "It was hard, because I actually had to spend hours and hours with the choreographer."

Envy waved a hand. "The reason it took so long is because they stupidly decided to have me digitally stabbing Whatsherface through the chest. If they had just let me stab her for _real_..."

"Hey!" Zoe and Risty May cried.

"Hey!" Ed exclaimed, a beat off from the girls.

IV gasped and started scribbling frantically. "Edward, I had no idea you were having a sordid love affair with Risty May!"

Silence. Crickets. Weirded out looks.

"Wow. That's a pretty vile image," Lust commented, whipping out a steel nail file.

"Wow, Lust!" IV exclaimed, scribbling some more. "Why didn't you tell me you taped them every time and had it on your website? Will you release the address to the public?"

Risty May looked ready to pass out. Ed had steam coming out of his ears. "Sure," Lust said dryly. "Just go to 'Absolute Moronic Idiots of the World' dot com, and remove the spaces."

IV was too caught up with scandal to figure out she was being highly insulted. "So, do you have any more juicy secrets you'd like to release to the world?" she asked of them.

"Do you work for a tabloid or something?" Zoe asked.

"Are you a damn idiot or something?" Ed snarled.

"Can I eat you?" Gluttony asked. Someone hit the laugh track button, and raucous laughter followed his statement.

"Brother, calm down," Al said. "The Interviewer's just doing her job. Let's not get angry, okay?"

IV started scribbling, and Envy and Risty May instinctively tensed. "Amazing," IV said. "I had no idea Edward was cheating on Risty May with his own brother."

Silence. Crickets. Looks of revulsion, rage, confusion, suddenly-I've-been-totally-stripped-of-my-innocence, etc.

"YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!" Al cried, punching IV through the roof, Ranma 1/2-style.

"Yet another vile image," Lust commented, standing. "Anyone want coffee?"

The group agreed and moved as one to the coffee table, which was a table devoted to coffee, hence the name coffee table.


	14. Back, Back To Back

Zilo: **Eloquent Liar, **you took the words outta my mouth!

Risty: **Ember Blaze's **showing her individuality again!  
Zoe: A simple answer, **Ember**. We all are.  
Al: Please calm down, Miss Veranda. Envy's just kidding. Right Envy?  
Envy: (still hasn't regenerated yet)  
Zilo: Stop stalling and get up!  
Envy: (starts to regenerate)  
Ed: (kicks) No, stay like this. It suits you better.

Risty: Oh, no problem, **Koinu-chan**!  
Zilo: I have who working for me?  
Others: (shrug)  
Ed: IF YOU DON'T GET THE F(LEEP!) OFFA ME I'M GOING TO F(EEP!)ING KILL YOU YOU F(EEP!)ING LITTLE F(EEP!)ER!  
Zilo: (smacks Ed) WATCH THE LANGUAGE, PUNK! Just for that, I'm not going to help you! Shishou, feel free to keep him!  
Ed: (panicks) WHAT?  
Izumi: ...  
Others: ...  
Izumi: Ah...no. Perhaps you should try someone easier.

Zilo: Hay-o, **Marie Blaze!  
**Risty: (sniffs) Thank you, I need them!  
Zilo: Ah, no worries about your sister. I have one just like her.  
Ed: What's a Grammy?

Zilo: Hey, **writingdreamer**! Glad I could be of assistance! And, um, yes, I have a master plan...though I just call it more chapters!  
Envy: Pfft. Whatever. Like I want or need your approval.  
Risty: Thank you for sticking up for me and Ed anyhow! Tell the penguins I said hi!

Zilo: Well, **Mikol**, you make a good guess-  
Others: (glare)  
Zilo: What?  
Zoe: Remember what you said?  
Zilo: But...but...I like my prize!  
Zoe: Give it up anyhow!  
Risty: **Mikol**, you're the first one to guess right, so you get Zilo's prize! If you want it, please see the note below!  
Zilo: My prize...mine...  
Zoe: Why offer it if you don't want to hand it over?  
Ed: I agree with **Mikol**. End the damn cliffie already!

Zilo: **AdventureAddict **also took the words out of my mouth!  
Al: Brother! Calm down!

Zilo: Sorry, **The Anonymous Authoress**! I can't help a good cliffie! But no worries, the dissolvement commences today! Thank you for reading, and please continue!

Ed: It's **HHH**.  
Zilo: That's **Half Human Homunculi** to you, knave! Phew! I'm glad I didn't miss a review!  
Risty: Thanks for guessing!  
Envy: Well, _I _sure didn't find the Omake fun-  
Zilo: Because you're a grinch.  
Envy: Everyone, shut up.

Zilo: **Atemu'sLotus, JazzyCat**, thanks so much reviewing! I'm glad you both liked it, and I hope you enjoy the next chapter!

* * *

**FOURTEEN: ****Back, Back To Back**  
**AKA "Don't Expect The Worst"**

* * *

You Have Received An Instant Message From "EdwardsWife77"

**EdwardsWife77: **um...hi...i saw u were on  
**EdwardsWife77: **is it u, MM? or her friend?  
**MistaMarista: **Neither. It's her mother.  
**EdwardsWife77: **oh, uh, sorry to bother u  
**MistaMarista: **Wait.  
**EdwardsWife77: **yes?  
**MistaMarista: **As long as you're on, I'd like to ask you a couple of things about the chain letter you sent my daughter.  
**EdwardsWife77: **...  
**EdwardsWife77: **ok um shoot  
**MistaMarista: **How can she get back?  
**EdwardsWife77: **well im not really sure  
**EdwardsWife77: **i didnt think of that, really  
**MistaMarista: **You should have. She needs help. There must be some emergency way, just in case.  
**EdwardsWife77: **let me think  
**EdwardsWife77: **ok as far as i kno if she gets killed shell come back  
**MistaMarista: **Killed?  
**MistaMarista: **There must be some less painful way.  
**EdwardsWife77: **lemme look brb  
**EdwardsWife77: **ok it looks like she either has 2 die, or you have 2 use a reverse chain letter 2 call her back  
**MistaMarista: **Reverse chain letter? Where would I get one of those?  
**EdwardsWife77: **there arent that many but i think i kno where 2 find 1  
**MistaMarista: **Where?  
**EdwardsWife77: **ill send u a link to the site its on  
**MistaMarista: **Please do. I want to get my daughter home as soon as possible.

* * *

Roy Mustang threw open the doors with a firm hand, his mouth set in a grim line. Riza Hawkeye stood a step behind him, her amber eyes serious as she scanned the room.

"Where's Doctor Hudson?" Roy demanded in a no-nonsense tone.

"Here I am!" A tall, brown-haired man burst through a door to his left, straightening his white coat as he hurried over. "So glad you could make it so soon, Colonel Mustang! I'm Dr. Marcus Hudson, and I-"

"Just cut to the chase," Roy said brusquely. "What happened?"

Dr. Hudson straightened his hair and collar. "Well," he said, clearly intimidated, "as you were informed over the phone, we have the Full Metal Alchemist in emergency care right now. His attackers are still being pursued, but, um, well, you'd have to ask the local police about that. Anyway, he received a total impalement in the area where his shoulder meets his chest. The alien object didn't hit any vital organs, but he's lost a lot of blood-"

"Will he make it?" Roy interrupted, as Riza strode off to speak to one of the officers milling about.

"Um..." Dr. Hudson adjusted his glasses and squinted at the clipboard in his hands. "It might take a while, but it does look good for him in the way of survival. We're not sure about when he'll regain consciousness. Um, Colonel, don't you want to hear about his traveling companion?"

Roy blinked, and then scowled. "Which one?"

"The girl. Um, one Marista Fernandez. She's also been admitted for a sudden attack of the heart."

Roy started. Full Metal was currently in that body. "What happened?"

"We aren't sure, but she's also unconscious. The Full Metal Alchemist's other two companions are mostly all right, since the one was in the armor, and the other only has a few bruises, but-"

"Where are they?"

Dr. Hudson gave up and pointed down the hall. "Lieutenant," Roy barked as he started purposefully in that direction.

Riza was at his side in an instant. "Sir."

Roy relayed his information to her. "We've got a problem," he summarized.

Riza nodded, looking grave. They turned the corner and found Al and Zoe, sitting on chairs across from two room doors. Zoe had her face in her hands, and Al was looking down at his lap. He lifted his head when he heard them approach.

"Colonel! Lieutenant!" Al jumped up to meet them. "Brother and Risty May are-"

"We know." Roy patted his massive metal shoulder.

Al seemed to calm down a bit. "They won't tell us what's going on," he said. "We don't know how they're doing."

"They say that they'll both live," Roy said.

Zoe breathed a sigh of relief and finally looked up. Her eyes were red-rimmed. "But on to more important matters," Roy went on. "What happened? You four were supposed to be waiting for your connection to Central, weren't you?"

"We were," Al agreed. "Well, technically, Brother and Zoe were fighting over whether to go to an inn or sleep at the station-"

"We should've just gone," Zoe said in a low voice.

"-Well...either way, we were attacked by three Homunculi."

Roy and Riza started. "Is that so?" Roy said, setting his mouth in a grim line. "Any reason why?"

"If there was, they didn't say it," Al said, sounding despondent.

"It's been seven hours, and they won't let us see them," Zoe spoke up, staring at the far wall.

"I'll fix that," Roy said. He strode over to one of the doors, just as a nurse exited. She looked surprised that someone was about to enter. "Sir, this room is off limits to-"

"Yes, I know what you've been telling these two," Roy cut her off, his voice steel. "However, I am a colonel and I have a right to see my subordinate and his friend. If you would kindly step aside."

The nurse swallowed and stepped away, obviously not wanting to tangle with a colonel. Roy motioned to the others, and they crowded in the room.

"Oh God...Risty May," Zoe said, her voice threatening to break. They looked down at the motionless body, which was Ed's but currently housed Risty May. Bandages peeked out from under the left side of the collar of the hospital gear. Another bandage was on her cheek. The golden blond braid had been undone.

"She looks really pale," Al commented.

"But she's the only one who was...you know," Zoe said. "Why is Ed in the hospital?"

Roy and Riza exchanged glances. "Perhaps it has something to do with them being in one another's bodies," Riza suggested.

"Well, it sucks." Zoe dropped into a chair pushed up beside the door. A different nurse walked in, and they all immediately shut up.

"How is s...um, he?" Al asked her.

The nurse checked Risty May's pulse and a few other things. "He's stabilizing," she told them, "which is always a good sign. We're unsure, however, when he'll wake up. Your friend in the next room is the same, only much more stable due to no external injuries." She gave them a smile. "I'm sure it will be all right."

"Let's hope," Roy said.

* * *

Once Edward and Risty May were stable enough to be moved, they were transported to Central's much better equipped hospital. There, Al had to watch over Risty May, as everyone thought she was the Full Metal Alchemist. Zoe took up a post with Ed. Roy and Riza had no choice but to return to their usual duties, with Al giving them daily updates via phone.

The days dragged slowly on. Risty May's chest injury began to heal, but still, neither she nor Ed showed any signs of coming to anytime soon. It became agonizing for Al and Zoe to simply have to sit and wait, hoping for something to happen.

On Day Five, Zoe peeked into Risty May's room to check on her and Al. As usual, Al sat on a stool next to the bed where Ed's body lay. "Hey, how's it going?" Zoe said, trying to sound cheerful.

"Oh, hey Zoe," Al said, turning to her. "Nothing's changed. "How's Brother?"

"Same," Zoe sighed, stepping in fully and closing the door behind her. "Sometimes I just wanna shake them both and yell at them to wake up."

"If I thought that would work, I'd do it," Al said wryly. "But that would probably only make things worse."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." The two lapsed into silence, casting glances at Risty May and out the window.

"Maybe we should take a walk or something," Zoe suddenly said.

Al looked over at her. "Huh?"

"I mean, we've barely left the hospital for almost a week. Some fresh air might do us good," Zoe elaborated.

Al shrugged. "Maybe. I don't really feel like going anywhere right now, though."

"Me neither. I just thought I'd suggest it." Zoe's eyes flitted over Risty May again, and then movement made her freeze. "Al-look!" she pointed.

Al turned back to Risty May in time to see her eyelids flutter. Zoe came over to the bed in three giant steps, hands pressed to her mouth. Al also leaned forward expectantly as the lids fluttered, lifted, lowered, then raised again to just barely reveal dimmed golden eyes.

"Risty May?" Zoe breathed.

Risty May's half-lidded eyes shifted to Zoe, then over to Al. "Alphonse..." she said weakly.

"How are you feeling?" Al asked almost eagerly.

"...Bad." Risty May shifted and then winced, one hand reaching up to weakly touch the chest bandages.

"Don't move," Al instructed. "Your wounds are still healing."

Risty May's gaze flitted down to the bandaged area, and she poked it experimentally, then winced again.

"I'm so glad you're okay," Zoe said. "I was so worried about you."

Risty May looked up at her. "...You were?"

"Of course, silly!" Zoe assured her.

Risty May's brow furrowed, as if that confused her. Then her lids lowered again. "'m sleepy..." she said before drifting off again.

"I'd better tell the nurse," Al said, springing up from his seat.

Zoe nodded. "Maybe if Risty May's woken up, Eddie's going to come to soon too."

"I hope so!" Al said.

They left together, and Al went down the hall, while Zoe went back into Ed's room. He was still out.

"All right, Napoleon complex," Zoe said, some of her spunk back in her now that Risty May had returned to the world of the living, even for just a little bit, "you can't let a girl get better before you. Wake up already!"

As if hearing her, Ed's eyelids fluttered also. Zoe jumped, surprised, then leaned in. "Ed?"

One blue eye cracked open and rested on her. "...Zoe?" Ed said, his voice raspy.

"Yeah. Hey. How d'you feel?" Zoe asked.

"...Not so...so..." Ed trailed off, his brows furrowing. He sat up suddenly, making Zoe lean back fast. "Whoa, don't jump the gun, Napoleon. You don't want anything to happen to Risty May's body."

"Napo...?" Ed opened his other eye, and then both widened. "Z-Zoe, I-" He stopped and slapped both hands over his mouth.

Zoe frowned, realizing something was off about him. "You okay? You gonna pass out again, or barf or something?"

"Mirror!" Ed cried.

"...Um, yeah, they exist, and?"

"Give me one, please."

Zoe dug in her purse and found a compact, which she handed over. Her eyes were riveted on Ed's face, which she realized seemed different somehow. Like...un-Ed-like. Almost as if...

Ed stared at himself in the mirror, then touched his face. Then his hair, and then his face again. "T-Testing, one, two, five," he said, voice trembling.

"Ed," Zoe began, "are you..."

"N-No!" Ed exclaimed, tears springing in his eyes.

The realization slammed down on Zoe's head like a mallet. It wasn't Ed anymore. Instead, it was now-

"I'm back!" Risty May cried, flinging her slender brown arms around Zoe's neck. Her blue eyes streamed with tears that ran down her heart-shaped face and dripped into her hip-length, brownish-black hair. She hugged Zoe with a passion. "I'm back! It's me! I'm back, Zoe! It's me, it's me!"

"Oh my God!" Zoe cried, grabbing Risty May and hugging her back. "You're back in your body! Oh my God! How? This is awesome!"

Risty May's tears were starting to drip onto the back of Zoe's pink hoodie. "I don't know, but I don't care! I'm back, I'm finally back, I'm a girl again..."

The door opened while they tearfully hugged. It just happened to be Colonel Roy Mustang, who had personally come down to check on his subordinate. "Uh...Full Metal?" he ventured, completely clueless as to what was going on.

Risty May pulled away from Zoe and looked up at Roy. "Colonel Roy!" she exclaimed, more tears coming though she was smiling. She motioned him forward almost frantically, and when he warily complied, she flung her arms around his waist. "I'm back! I'm Risty May again! I'm back in my body!"

Roy seemed to be stunned by the hug, and didn't know how to respond. "That's...very good," he said, awkwardly patting her shoulder.

The door was flung open again, and this time it was Al. "Brother's back!" he exclaimed.

"So am I!" Risty May announced, motioning him over almost frantically.

* * *

"I'M SO SORRY!" Risty May sobbed, bursting into tears.

Ed sweatdropped. "Um...why?"

Risty May was too busy sobbing facedown on his bed to reply. He gave Roy, Zoe and Al a questioning look, and they all shrugged, having no clue what she was talking about.

"...Risty May..." Ed said, just a little exasperatedly, "what are you talking about?"

Risty May sniffled and sat up, tears still flowing. "Well...now you've got that whole chest injury thing to deal with!"

"I'll be fine," Ed assured her, still frowning. "I'm a fast healer."

"Yeah, but I didn't take a bath before the fight!"

There were collective sweatdrops around the room. "That's no reason to cry hysterically," Ed told her. "I can take a bath now, see?"

"Okay, but, still...I'm sorry."

"Why?"

Risty looked down at her lap. "Well..."

Zoe, sensing the reason for her being uncomfortable, whirled on Roy and Al. "Say, guys!" she said in a loud, cheery voice. "Why don't we all go for a long, relaxing walk?"

"Okay," Al agreed easily.

Roy frowned. "A walk? What fo-"

Zoe and Al grabbed his arms and ushered him out of the room. "We're leaving them alone to talk privately, blockhead!" Zoe hissed as she shut the door behind them.

Roy sniffed. "Oh."

Meanwhile, Risty May shifted in her chair next to Ed's bedside. She had recovered a lot faster, since she no longer had the chest wound, and this was her first visit to Ed's room, a day after waking up in her own body.

"I just..." She sighed. "Well, when I woke up in your body, I was kind of given the default assignment to take care of it and protect it until I could give it back to you. And...I didn't. I failed. I'm sorry, Ed. I was trying to keep it safe, I swear."

"Well, you tried," Ed said. "That's what counts. And now I've got my body back."

"But it's my fault you're hurt!" Risty May burst out, more tears falling as she looked up into Ed's startled eyes. "It's my fault because I'm so weak. And because I'm so selfish. It's all my fault. When I used that stupid chain letter, a little part of me really did wish I could come and have adventures with you. Instead I sent you spiraling into another dimension, and nearly got you killed like twenty-seven conforking times, and got a giant hole in your chest!" The tears fell freely.

Ed reached out with his good hand and patted her shoulder. "Hey, look, don't go blaming yourself, all right? Who knew this would happen to us? And besides, you tried your best."

"But if I had been stronger-"

"But you weren't," Ed said firmly. "You just did the best you could, and you did all right. At least twenty-six of those times you got me out of harm's way, right?"

"I...I guess," Risty May admitted.

"And-" here Ed pulled out a lopsided grin and fanned his hair over his shoulders "-my hair's never felt better."

Risty May giggled through her tears. "Y-You do need to take better care of it."

"See? Everything turned out fine. So stop crying, already."

Risty May sniffled a bit and wiped her eyes. "S-So, when will the doctors let you go?"

"They say I need a few more days to heal." Ed scowled at this, as if he disliked being reminded.

"Do you think...the Homunculi might attack again?"

"Who knows. It's always possible. Maybe they've gone back to manipulating other alchemists into doing their bidding by now," Edward said.

Risty May nodded. Now that she was back in her own body, her first priority had been achieved. Now she had to work on getting home. It had been over a month since she'd seen the familiar sights of her neighborhood, her room, her mom. At that she felt a sting of tears. She missed swapping hugs and kisses with her mom. She missed having food and water thrown at her. She missed hearing funny stories, like the one about an old man with no teeth hitting on her mother.

But she would have to be strong. No matter what, she couldn't fall apart. She wouldn't be a burden that Zoe or someone else had to protect any longer. She'd find out how to get herself and Zoe home, and until that time came, she'd keep a stiff upper lip.

"...E-Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Um...since Miss Izumi already threatened you and everything...and since you kind of have a lot of free time right now...will you teach me things about alchemy?"

Ed frowned. "Huh?"

"I mean, please? Just in case we have to do something alchemical for me to get home." Risty May looked down and started wringing her hands.

"...I guess," Ed finally said.

Risty May's face lit up, and Ed's cheeks flushed. Something about the happiness of girls just made him uncomfortable. Like she would ask, "Can we go shopping?" next.

Instead she said, "Do you need me to get you anything? Like a notebook, something to write with, water, you know, teaching stuff?"

Risty May looked so eager to help. Ed heaved a sigh. "Yeah, get all of those. And something to write on."

"I'm on it!" Risty May declared, jumping to her feet. About two seconds later, she tripped and crashed to the floor.

"Whoah!" Edward looked over the side of his bed to see her crumpled in a heap on the floor. "You okay?"

Risty May lifted her face to reveal a slowly reddening spot on her forehead. "I'll-I'll be all right," she said, slowly getting back up.

"Well, be careful, all right?" Ed cautioned.

* * *

Go to Amestris: check.  
Meet Colonel Mustard and crew: check.  
Meet stupid Homunculi: check.  
Receive training from Izumi: check.  
Receive alchemy lessons from Edward: check.

"Next, they have to go shopping," Zoe said to the pocket notebook she was writing in the next day.

"Excuse me?" Al said politely, not understanding what she meant.

Zoe looked up at him. "Oh, I'm just keeping a record of how this will become the perfect EdxOC adventure," she said cheerfully, knowing Al wouldn't get it.

Obviously, he didn't. "I'm sorry?"

"Don't worry about it. Just let me know when fate forces Ed and Risty May to go shopping," Zoe said, writing down a few more things in her notebook. "I've read quite enough fanfics to know how this goes. Goodness knows I..."

As Zoe rambled on her own confusing tangent, Al took a peek into his brother's hospital room. "Brother? It's us," he said.

"Hi!" Risty May said cheerfully from where she sat at Ed's bedside.

"Hey, Al," Ed said, waving.

Al walked into the room and sat down next to Risty May. "How do you feel?" he asked.

"A lot better. Maybe they'll let me out today," Ed said.

"Brother, don't try and rush things," Al instructed. "Give yourself enough time to fully recover." He then seemed to notice the multitude of loose papers scattered over the bed. "What are all these?"

Risty May picked one up and showed it to Al. It was a pretty bad drawing of a simple transmutation circle. "Alchemy lessons," she said. "This one's my best yet! But I have to get the lines just right, or it won't work."

"It...looks like good progress," Al said encouragingly.

"And once Ed gets out of the hospital, we get to spar!" Risty May went on. "I finally get to try fighting in my own body again! I just hope that the skill I picked up wasn't because of Edward's awesome stamina and speed and stuff. That would stink."

"Hey Ed," Zoe said, suddenly materializing in the conversation, "Give me some money. I want to take Risty May out for lunch."

"Hey!" Ed exclaimed. "I'm not your personal bank!"

"Oh, shut up, Napoleon!" Zoe shot back. "Like it would kill you to part with some lunch fare!"

Al and Risty May sweatdropped.

"Why don't you get your own?"

"Why don't you stop being a penny-pincher?"

"A _what_? What the hell are you calling me now?"

"A well-deserved name!"

"If I weren't in this bed, and you weren't a girl-"

"I'd kick your butt still? I agree."

"JUST SHUT UP!"

"Guys..."

* * *

(Several characters start to choke on fluff)  
Zilo: (eye twitch) You guys are overreacting.  
Risty: Um...maybe we should give them some time to recover!  
Al: I don't get it. What's wrong with everyone?  
Riza: (sighs) I'm afraid you wouldn't, Alphonse.  
Winry: See you all next time!

* * *

INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT NOTE-PLEASE READ!

I seriously need your help. The rest of this story is Risty May and Ed un-swapped. So should I continue it in this story? Or should I end The Switch Glitch here, and make the remaining chapters a kind of sequel? Since this story is about the two being switched, and now they're un-switched. So please tell me, which would you prefer?


	15. ARC TWO: Broken Bonds And Birthday Blues

Zilo:** D3athrav3n, Eloquent Liar **(don't chomp m3h!)**, Colonel Bastard **(I missed you!), **Call-me-Lie-chan **(I will! Promise!), **Dragonlover, super duper fun machine **(I'm not sure, maybe I'll take a poll!), **TailsMoon, The Anonymous Authoress **(a good point!), **Outcast Martyr, **and **blufayt**, thanks so much for reviewing and voting! To clear up something that seemed to confuse people, I never planned to end the story there! I just wanted to know if I should put the rest of the chapters in their own story, or leave them here! So don't go! There's plenty left!

Risty: **AdventureAddict, **you really knew? Ah, you should've guessed! Then you might have won the prize!  
Zilo: A certain person hasn't claimed the prize yet, and if they don't soon, I'll give it to someone else.  
Zoe: (watches Ed bite **AA**'s hand) Is Eddie rabid?  
Risty: I liked all the parts you mentioned, too!  
Zoe: Eddie's a pistachio because he's nuts.  
Zilo: (yanks rabid Ed away from **AA**) Thank you for stopping by!

Winry: Hm? Did someone mention my grandma?  
Zilo: Is **Marie blaze **dying?  
All: (shrug)  
Envy: (regenerates) Shut the hell up! And don't call me that!  
Risty: I know, isn't it so frustrating? But I'll keep trying until I get it right!

Zilo: Yay! **Arktos **review! Glad I caught you off guard! I do have a few ideas in mind, hopefully with enough in them to keep the readers coming. And thanks so much! I think I'll take you up on your offer! Look out for a PM from me, okay? Oh yeah, and here's my favorite part (which is so silly because I wrote the whole thing, but whatever!)  
_"I'll be fine," Ed assured her, still frowning. "I'm a fast healer."  
"Yeah, but I didn't take a bath before the fight!"  
_Zilo: Anyhow, thanks so much for the review! I always look forward to yours!

Zilo: **Houran**! Yay!  
Ed Who is this Ayumi Elric person? Another of those crazy fangirls masquerading as our sister?  
Al: (shrugs)  
Zilo: I don't know where I get the humor! It just kind of oozes out of me!  
Risty: Um...that's kind of a gross mental image...

Zilo: **Ember Blaze **plus indivduality equals--  
Envy: A stupid porch?  
Zilo: Stop that, Envy! And nah, I won't ban anybody! Unless you, like, try to kill me or something, ya know.

Zilo: Hello, silent watcher **Sally Elric**!  
Ed: ANOTHER one? Get off!  
Zilo: I think I will! Thanks for voting!

Risty: Hi, **writingdreamer**!  
Zilo: NOT THE ASYLUM TRUCK! (runs away)  
Envy: I will do no such thing. Shut the hell up.  
Ed: Whaaaa?! We're not a couple!  
Risty: (red-faced) N-No! That's silly!  
Zilo: (in the distance) ASYLUM TRUCK ASYLUM TRUCK ASYLUM...

Zilo: Thanks for your input, **Half Human Homunculi**!  
Ed: That's what I'M saying! Finally someone gets it!  
Roy/Envy/Zoe: (roll eyes)

Zilo: WAIT! **Atemu'sLotus**, don't leave us! It isn't over!  
Roy: Unfortunately, she's right. There's more to come.  
Envy: So run, run as fast as you can, far away from--  
Zilo: (bonks both with frying pan) Shush up!!

* * *

Zilo: Okay, then! The votes are in, and the majority of you voted to keep the second arc right here in this thing!! (pats fic) So that we will do! To celebrate a new arc, and 150 reviews, I made another humor-type 1shot! Feel free to examine it once you're finished here!  
Risty: And, for the second arc, we've got a new summary, and possibly another title!  
Ed: And we're STILL trapped here?  
Zilo: Darn right, Ed.  
Roy: (sighs) Well, I suppose we'd better get this over with.  
Envy: Tell me again why we can't just kill Zilo?  
Lust: Something about authoress karma.  
Envy: (snorts)  
Al: Please enjoy Arc Two, everyone!

* * *

ARC TWO

Finally! Ed and Risty May are back in their own bodies--somehow--but that doesn't mean their problems are over. Far from it. The Homunculi still lurk, Zoe still has a temper, and anything could still happen. Above all, Risty May and Zoe still need a way home!

* * *

CHAPTER FIFTEEN  
AKA "Broken Bonds And Birthday Blues"  
AKA "Don't Forget Your First Friends"

* * *

Zoe checked the clock on the wall. 10:04. Where was Risty May? Slowly, she laid back on the bed, heaving a sigh. This was ridiculous. 

For the sixth night in a row, Risty May was staying out late. The first time it was alchemy lessons with Ed and Al. The second time, it was something about an assignment Roy had given her, some report to write. The next few times, who knew? Ed had been released from the hospital yesterday, a full two weeks after he was first admitted, so maybe today it was that sparring thing.

Zoe flipped over on the bed, staring moodily out the window. She and Risty May got the high honor of staying in a military-funded inn. The place was shabby, in Zoe's opinion, but it beat the streets, so she tried not to complain so much. Risty May had been incredibly optimistic about it, and had even bought some plants, a calendar, and this silly plaid rug to spruce the place up a little. Of course, she was rarely ever in the room to begin with, seeing as how she was spending all her time frolicking with the Elrics.

With a sigh, Zoe turned over again, and something jabbed her in the back. She reached under herself and pulled out her notebook. Opening it, Zoe flipped to the page she had been using to document all of the OC-insert fanfic clichés from the fics Risty May had forced her to read back home. Zoe grabbed a pen and started writing.

Ditch your old friends for your favorite characters: check.

Piss off the one person who came personally to see to your care and safety: check.

ACT LIKE EVERYTHING'S HUNKY DORY WHEN A CERTAIN SOMEONE IS REALLY STEAMED AT YOU AND TOTALLY NOT CARE: check.

* * *

Edward grabbed a piece of paper and deftly drew a circle. He slid it across the table to Risty May. She studied it, grabbed a clean sheet of paper, and laboriously copied the circle. When she was finished, it looked more like a drunken octopus dancing the samba than a transmutation circle. 

Ed sweatdropped. "Well...okay. Just use mine again," he said, dropping a handful of dirt on top of his circle. "Make something out of that."

Risty May nodded and pressed her fingertips to the edge of the circle. The lines started to glow with a blue light, which soon enveloped the dirt. It began to writhe and change shape, and Risty May's eyes sparkled in excitement.

Whatever it was about to become, it quickly expanded into a balloon shape. Then, with a low _TOOM_, it burst into a dust cloud.

Silently, Risty May let the dust settle on the general area before clutching her head in frustration. "It's not working!" she cried.

"Relax," Ed said, brushing his shoulders off. "Alchemy isn't something you can master in a few short weeks. It takes time and effort to understand and apply it effectively."

"Eight weeks isn't enough time?" Risty May said in a pathetic tone.

"...No." Ed swept the dirt off the table and crumpled up his and Risty May's pieces of paper.

"Major Elric?"

Ed and Risty May looked up to see a man in a military uniform standing at Ed's side. "Colonel Mustang wants to speak with you," the man said.

Ed stood up. "Okay," he said. "Be right back."

"Kay," Risty May mumbled, rolling a pencil between her fingers.

Ed left with the man in uniform, and Risty May anxiously cast her glance around the cafeteria. Blue-clad men everywhere she looked. She felt like an outsider in this place, especially without Ed or Al with her. More than once she had been stopped by some official demanding to know why a civilian was traipsing around Central Headquarters. Eventually Ed had written a pass for her to show anyone who questioned her, so they would know she wasn't just someplace she didn't belong.

Still, Risty May avoided coming to Headquarters unless she was having an alchemy lesson with Ed. The military-funded inn where she and Zoe were staying was in the next block, but there was nothing to do there, so Risty May more or less spent her time walking around outside or reading all the alchemy books she could find. Her alchemy skills still stank, but she was determined to find a way home.

"Hi, Risty May!"

Risty May looked up to see Al sitting down where Ed had just been. "Oh, hi, Al!" she said cheerfully.

"How's the training going?"

"We haven't injured anybody."

"See? I told you you'd make progress," Al said.

Risty May shrugged, resuming rolling the pencil between her fingers.

"Risty May? Are you all right? You seem down," Al commented.

Risty May looked up. "Oh, I'm fine," she said, forcing a smile.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah!" Risty May nodded enthusiastically. Then she stopped, frowned, and dropped her hands in her lap. "Well...just homesick, I guess. I've never been away from home this long, and..." She hesitated about finishing her thought. Why would it matter to these guys?

"And what?" Al asked, sensing she was leaving out something.

"And...um...well...m-my fifteenth birthday's coming up soon, both here and at home, and I've never spent a birthday away from home." Tears began to bloom in Risty May's eyes. "Usually there's a party and my cousin and her brother and sister come over and we all have a good time and Mom bakes a cake and Zoe tells funny stories and--and---" Risty May dropped her face into her hands.

"Oh, Risty May, don't cry," Al said, sounding worried and nervous. He reached out, and then stopped. "It'll be okay."

"But what if Mom's worried?" Risty May said, more tears falling. "It's been two weeks back home! School's started! Mom might think I'm dead! What'll I do-o-o-o-o?"

"Uh, uh." Al had super sweat running down the back of his head. "Please don't cry, it'll be okay!" he tried to assure her. People were starting to stare, which kind of panicked him more. "I promise! Brother and I can do something for your birthday! We'll have a party!"

"Party?" Risty May sniffled, looking up at him with big, teary eyes.

Al nodded rapidly, flinging super sweat around. "Yeah, a party and a cake and presents and lots of fun! Don't worry, it'll all be okay!"

"Al, you're the best!" Risty May said, her eyes getting bigger and tearier. "I'm so-o glad I have a fr-iend like yo-ou!"

"N-No problem," Al said, it suddenly dawning on him what he had just promised. _Oh boy, how will I ever get Brother on board with this? He'll never go for it_.

* * *

The area around Central Headquarters was nice and peaceful, until the sound barrier was shattered with a bellow of "AL, _WHAT_ THE **_HELL_**?!!" 

Alphonse had ultra-super sweat running down his whole head as he backed into a corner. "But Brother, she was crying! Sobbing!" he tried to plead his case.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" Ed roared. "I'VE GOT AN ASSIGNMENT! I CAN'T BE THROWING BIRTHDAY PARTIES!!"

"B-But Brother, I already promised her, and she was crying, she looked so sad--"

"THEN BUY HER A FREAKING CAKE! WE'RE NOT HAVING A BIRTHDAY PARTY!!" Ed bellowed.

"Brother, you can't be so mean," Al said, tears waterfalling down his face.

Ed took a big breath, as if to scream some more, but instead heaved a big sigh. "Look, Al," he said in a calmer tone, "I know you like Risty May and want to make her feel good in the midst of her homesickness. But I can barely pull together enough time to give her alchemy lessons. And we have things to do, remember? We're still looking for the Philosopher's Stone, and Colonel Mustard--I mean, Mustang, just gave me my next mission. I'm going to be busy, and I still need your help. All those things are a lot more important than one girl's birthday."

"I know," Al said, "but, Brother, if you could have seen her. She really misses her mom, and her home."

Ed's mouth turned into a grim line, and he looked sideways at the floor. The weight of that statement settled heavily on both of them.

"Sorry, Al," Ed said, walking past his brother and out of their dorm room.

Al turned. "But, Brother--!"

Ed slammed the door shut.

* * *

Risty May was sitting on the steps leading up to Central when Ed emerged into the sunlight. She had her back turned to him, and seemed to be busy drawing something on her hand. Ed stopped, about to call her, but something made him pause. 

"Okay!" Risty May said, standing up and throwing her right hand into the air. Something resembling a half-eaten rice ball was drawn on it. "I'm going to take this pile of dirt--" she pointed dramatically at said pile of dirt on the steps by her feet "--and turn it into a kitty cat figurine!" Risty May held both arms over her head, as if asking the sun for a hug, then clapped both hands together. Ed realized she must have drawn a transmutation circle on her hand as she turned and slammed her hand straight onto the pile of dirt.

There was a flash of light, then an alchemical crackle, and then a cloud of dust exploded right in Risty May's face. She jumped back, surprised, and started to wipe dirt off her face, coughing. Ed came down the steps as she tried to clear her lungs and her eyes at the same time.

"Nice try," Ed said, obviously surprising her. Risty May jumped and rubbed an eye before peeking at him, but he was looking at where the pile of dirt had been. Reaching down, he picked up the completed project and displayed it in his palm. "Kitty cat?"

Risty May peered at the tiny object standing on his palm. It was almost solid stone, but it looked much more like a beat-up cactus than a cat. "Um...not really," she admitted, poking the unidentifiable item.

"At least it all didn't blow up in your face," Ed teased.

"Hey, that's true!" Risty May said with a giggle. She started wiping her face again. Ed clapped his hands and touched her forehead, and when the blue light faded, the dust was gone from her face and clothes.

Risty May blushed and smiled. "Thanks!" she said, scratching the top of her head. "I wouldn't have tried that, for obvious reasons!"

"I don't blame you," Ed said.

"So, what did Colonel Roy want?"

"Another assignment, actually. I'm leaving tomorrow."

"When will you be back?" Risty May asked.

Ed shrugged. "Oh, maybe a week or so. If I'm good, maybe five days."

"Oh..." Risty May's shoulders slumped. "Will Al go with you?"

"Yeah. We always travel together," Ed said, guessing the reason why Risty May was suddenly sad.

She forced a smile. "Well, I know that your work is much more important than fun time. If it's a lead on...you know, I hope it turns out well, and everything."

"Thanks," Ed said. He looked up into the sky, which was turning orange. "It's getting kind of late. Want me to walk you back to the inn?"

"Sure!" Risty May said, nodding.

* * *

"Oh, _here_ you are," Zoe said, without getting up, when she heard the door open and close. "For once you're back before the sun goes down? What happened, did Ed and Al die?" 

Risty May frowned. "What? What do you mean, Zoe?"

"You know what I mean," Zoe snapped, sitting up and glaring at her friend. Risty May shrank back under the heated green stare. "Alchemy with Ed and Al. Fighting lessons with Ed. Bonding time with Al. You're probably hanging out with Mustard and his gun-freak sidekick too, huh?"

"What's gotten into you?" Risty May exclaimed. "Yes, I'm hanging out with them, but that's so I can bone up my alchemy skills in case we need them to get home!"

"And what about me, huh?" Zoe yelled. "Remember your good old pal Zoe, the one who's been there to kick people's asses when they picked on you? And wipe your nose and be your friend?"

"Well...yeah," Risty May said uncertainly, leaning against the wall. "But I don't understand."

"_Think_ about it, will you? Where have you been the past week and a half? Where have I been? Answer me that."

Tears began to brim in Risty May's eyes. "If-If you felt excluded, I'm sorry," she said. "I thought you didn't want to do the kind of stuff we're doing. I mean, there's a lot of dirt and messiness involved. I thought you'd want to do your own thing, you know?"

"No, I gave _that_ up to come get you!" Zoe yelled, getting off the bed and standing. "I put my damn life on the line to come and rescue you, and nearly got killed by those stupid Homunculi. And what do you do? You go running off to blow stuff up with Ed! Like, what? You think you're going to get any _better_ at alchemy?"

"B-But...Zoe..."

"_I _was the one worried about you! _I _was the one riding Ed's ass all the time so he took care of your body and hair until you got it back! _I _was the one your mom elected to come for you because we knew you'd like a friendly face! Yet when I get here, you can't get enough of the Elrics!"

Risty May sank to the floor, tears flowing. "I...I'm sorry," she whimpered.

"Well, so am I!" Zoe thundered. "If you're so buddy-buddy with Ed and his posse, maybe you should just stay here in Central, all right? In the meantime, I'm going to go be ignored somewhere else!" She grabbed her backpack, stuffed the few things of hers she had removed back in, pulled out all Risty May's stuff, and stormed to the door.

"Zoe--wait," Risty May said, scrambling back to her feet. "Please, don't leave me by my--"

"If you're scared of the dark, go running to Ed and Al!" Zoe yelled as she flung open the door. "I'm sure they'd be _happy_ to console a crybaby like you!" She slammed the door behind herself, and all was silent.

Risty May sank back to her knees and burst into tears.

* * *

"I thought Risty May and Zoe would be here to send us off," Al said the next morning. 

Ed shrugged, suitcase in hand. "Maybe they overslept. Or maybe they don't care."

"Brother. You may be like that, and maybe Zoe, but Risty May isn't."

The train doors opened, and people started to get off. Some people who wanted their choice of seats hurried through the departing crowd. Those who were willing to wait, like Ed and Al, let all the first passengers get off before they boarded.

"Ed! Al! Wait!"

Al turned just as he was bending over to get in the train. The man behind him bumped into him. "Was that Risty May?" he said, scanning the small crowd.

"Al, you're holding up the line," Ed said from inside.

"Oh, sorry." Al got in, then turned to the first window that looked out on the station. Sure enough, he saw a figure clad in a red dress, navy leggings, and red sneakers hurrying towards the train. "I was right! There she is!"

Ed sat down in the booth and opened the window. Al stuck his head out and waved to Risty May. She weaved through the crowd and made her way to the window, panting hard. "I thought I'd miss you!" she said. "Here." She held a napkin-covered basket up to them. "It's for the trip! There's a deck of cards in there, too, in case you get bored!"

"Thank you, Risty May!" Al said as Ed took the basket. "That's really nice of you." He glanced at Ed, who was already lifting the napkin, then back to Risty May. "Sorry we couldn't have your birthday party," he apologized to her.

"You were still worried about that? Don't be silly, Al!" Risty May said, smiling. Al noticed that her eyes seemed to be on the verge of filling with tears. "Just go ahead and do your work, okay? I'll party with Z-Zoe. It'll be fine."

"Stay out of trouble," Ed told her with a teasing smile. "And keep practicing the alchemy until I get back."

"Yes _sir_!" Risty May said, saluting.

The train whistle blew, and slowly the train began to move. Risty May hurried to keep up with the window, waving. "Bye! Send me a letter if you ever want to talk! Be good! Stay out of trouble too, okay Ed?"

"Yeah, yeah!" Ed said, waving.

"Bye, Risty May!" Al called, waving also. "We'll see you later!"

Risty May slowly chugged to a halt as the train picked up speed. "Beeeee saaaaaaafe!" her voice floated over to them, being carried on the wind. She waved at them, and they waved back, until she was nothing more than a speck among other specks. When that too vanished, Ed leaned back inside, and Al closed the window.

"Oh, man, these look good!" Ed said, fawning over the baked treats packed inside the basket.

Al looked out the window. "Brother?"

"Huh?" Ed stopped from where he had a cookie half-raised to his mouth.

"Was it me or...did Risty May seem really sad?"

"Sad?" Ed considered, then took a bite of the cookie. "I dunno. I guess."

"She did," Al said.

Ed shrugged. "Well, maybe it was the party thing."

"Maybe, but, it seemed like it was something else." Al considered. "Like the way she said Zoe's name, as if it made her sad. Do you think they had a fight?"

"Those two? Please. Zoe's all obsessive over Risty May," Ed said, digging into the basket. "They'd never fight."

"I guess you're right," Al said.

* * *

Zoe/Risty: ZILO!  
Zilo: What? Like you two have never fought.  
Zoe: Man, and make me look totally evil, why don't you?  
Risty: And ruin my life, why don't you?  
Zilo: Guys! It's just for drama!  
Roy: Once again, another chapter without me. I bet it'll be the least popular.  
Ed: Oh, shut up, Colonel Mustard.  
Roy: Hey!  
Riza: Please, join us next time. 


	16. Babysitting Is A Dangerous Job

Zilo: So sorry about the delay, ladies and gentlemen! I've been swamped with so much work lately, I've been forced to put some stuff on the back burner. I think I've got a little rhythm going on now, but the reviews might have a bit more space between them now. I'll be sure to tell you if there's any big gaps coming up, okay?  
Envy: And if she doesn't, assume she doesn't care about you and ignore this fic en masse.  
Zilo: So mean you are! (bonks Envy with frying pan) Anyway, it's response time! **Eloquent Liar, Devil-Speaker, **thanks for reviewing! Hopefully Zoe has learned the error of her ways--  
Zoe: Shut up.

Zilo: Hmm! **Phantom SunsSong **sympathizes with Zoe! Interesting!  
Risty: It looks like **PSS **is hitting the nail on the head with these guesses!  
Zilo: Indeed! Thanks for reviewing!  
Al: And be careful with the thunder!

Zilo: You'd be right, **Wandering Hitokiri**!  
Risty: (sniffles) Thanks so much, Annora. I'm just so worried...she was right, wasn't she?  
Ed: WHAT?!  
Zilo: Hmm. You're right, they do!

Zoe: Hey! Let me go, **Half Human Homunculi**! I need time to angst!  
Ed: Hey! Get off me!  
Armstrong: Going Armstrong on others' $$3$ is a triat passed down the Armstrong line for generations! (flexes)

Zilo: SQUEE! I MISSED YOU TOO, **SHINKUTSUKI**!  
Ed: (sigh) Here we go again.  
Zilo: Well, you'll see this chapter, eh?

Zilo: Yay! **Atemu'sLotus **is going to stay!  
Roy: Pfft. Whatever.  
Risty: (tears up) Right! I'll be much more careful now, promise!  
Zoe: At least some people out there understand what I was going through!

Zilo: Hmm. Sounds like **Marie blaze **needs some of those immune system-boosting shakes!  
Al: Don't cry! It'll be okay!  
Risty: (joins **Mb **in sad corner)  
Ed: What the hell?! I have no wife! I'm still a minor, dammit!

Zilo: Hey! Don't throw Risty May away, **Sally Elric**!  
Risty: (sails through the air)  
Envy: (watches) Ooh, do that again.  
Ed: Oh, great. She's a stalker, too?

Ed: I'M NOT AN IT, YOU NDHSDJHSJFHFHJDHFFHFHFGJK!  
Zilo: Hi, **Koinu-chan**!  
Roy: (glares) Don't talk to an adult like that.  
Winry: Um, can I have my face back?  
Ed: (kicks Shishou in the face and runs for safety behind Zilo) THERE'S A PSYCHO WITH A TENNIS RACQUET AND A TIGER AFTER ME!  
Zilo: (sweatdrops)

Risty: I'm scared, **Mikol**! I want Zoe to come back!  
Ed: I resent that! Are you calling up stupid?  
Zilo: Will you chill? Anyway, thanks for the request, **Mikol**! I'm already working on it! It should be up soon enough.

Zilo: Aw, don't cry, **AdventureAddict! **(hugs) It'll all turn out okay!  
Ed: (still trying to break free from Al) YEARGH!  
Al: No, brother! NO!  
Zoe: What did I tell ya? Rabid.  
Zilo: I'm glad you understand the sacrifice I had to make for the fic!  
Zoe: Chyeah right!  
Risty: You only tortured US, Zilo!  
Zilo: Close enough!

* * *

Zilo: BEFORE YOU GO ON, PLEASE CHECK THIS OUT--A couple of people mentioned this to me, so I'd like your input: Should there be...dare I say it...EdxOC?  
Ed/Al/Zoe/Roy/Winry/Havoc/Lust/Envy/Wrath: NO!  
Risty: O.O (passes out)  
Zilo: Hey, I'm just asking! Give me a yes or no, will you?**

* * *

CHAPTER SIXTEEN  
****AKA "Babysitting Is A Dangerous Job"  
****AKA "Don't EVER Let Your Guard Down"**

The phone rang. And rang, and rang. Risty May wearily lifted her head from the pillow, her face sticky with dried tears. She had already seen Ed and Al off at the train station, so it couldn't be them. Zoe was probably still angry with her, so it couldn't be her. So who was it?

Risty May checked the wall clock. It was almost noon. She had been in this room crying her eyes out for three hours. And that was without including her all-night crying session before she got up, baked the stuff for Ed and Al, and hightailed it to the train station.

Finally deciding she couldn't figure out who it was, Risty May grabbed the receiver and put it to her ear. "Hello?" she said, trying to switch to her telephone voice.

"_So you're there. Good._" Even though phone reception wasn't as clear as Risty May was used to back home, she still recognized the voice even before he identified himself. "_It's Colonel Mustang._"

"Colonel Roy!" Risty May said, sitting up. "Good morning! Or, afternoon! How can I help you?"

"_Since Full Metal and Alphonse are out of town, you don't have any indirect access to the books at the national library, am I right?_"

Risty May nodded, then remembered she was on a phone. "Um, yes sir, that's right," she said.

"_Then I have a solution for you. It'll solve your problem and mine._"

"Oooh, what is it?" Risty May asked, almost bouncing eagerly.

"_Come to the office in thirty minutes._"

* * *

Risty May wasn't sure what to expect when she finally made it to the colonel's office, after having to show to her pass from Edward to at least six people. At one point she had been delayed and further questioned, and was only saved when Jean Havoc arrived on the scene. Now he was escorting her to Roy's office to avoid further hold-ups. 

"I'm two minutes late!" Risty May said, clutching her head. "I hope Colonel Roy isn't mad at me."

"For two minutes? Nah, I think he'll cut you some slack," Havoc said, chewing on the end of his cigarette. He opened the door for Risty May, and she walked through.

Three steps in, she froze. Roy was in the room, of course, as well as Riza. But there was another person in the room, the one giving Risty May pause: Juliet Douglas.

Also known as Sloth.

_Danger! _Risty May's brain screamed. _Run away! _But Risty May was pretty sure no one knew about Sloth yet, and she couldn't spoil. Besides, if she freaked out about what the others assumed was the Fuhrer's harmless secretary, she'd look crazy.

"Um, hi!" Risty May said, working to regain her normal cheerful disposition. "Sorry I'm late. I got stopped a lot in the hall."

"Don't worry about it. This is Colonel Juliet Douglas, the Fuhrer's personal assistant," Roy said to Risty May. "Miss Douglas, this is Marista Fernandez, the girl I told you about."

Sloth appraised Risty May with cold green eyes. _I know your secret, _Risty May wanted to say to her. But of course she couldn't. She swallowed some spit and stepped forward. "Pleased to meet you, uh, Miss Douglas," she said, extending a hand.

"Likewise," Sloth said, dutifully shaking the offered hand. "I trust the colonel briefed you on the Fuhrer's job offer, Miss Fernandez?"

_Job offer? _Risty May shook her head. "No ma'am, he just told me to come over," she said.

"I see." Sloth cast a glance at Roy, then turned her attention back to Risty May. "The Fuhrer's wife, Mrs. Bradley, is leaving town for the next day or so, and the Fuhrer needs someone to look after his son while she's away."

Risty May blinked. "You mean, like a babysitter?"

"More or less. In exchange for your services, the Fuhrer is willing to offer you pay and a pass to access the lower floor of the national library," Sloth went on.

"Really?" Risty May exclaimed. She remembered it being mentioned that only State Alchemists could access the materials in the library. It had concerned her that when Ed and Al left, not only would they miss her birthday, but there wouldn't be anyone to bring her books from the library, and then decode them for her. She had decided she would make rounds of local bookstores and see if they would be any help, but this would be much better.

"Will you accept the job?" Sloth asked.

"Yes, ma'am, I will!" Risty May exclaimed, nodding.

* * *

It was only about thirty minutes later, when Sloth and Risty May were in the car on the way to the Bradley estate, that Risty May remembered that King Bradley was a Homunculus too. She wanted to smack herself. Wasn't this dangerous territory? She should have refused the job. But perhaps it really was an innocent job, with the Fuhrer happening to mention it and Roy happening to mention Risty May-- 

Who was she kidding? There was no way this was just an innocent job. With all the military grunts, officers, and official people at his disposal, why would the Fuhrer randomly pick an almost 15-year-old he had never met to baby-sit his son? There wasn't that much coincidence in the world.

_Then I'll have to be extra careful, and watch out for traps or anything. If I'm ever alone with Sloth or Pride, I should-- _

They were alone right now. There was a driver, but he didn't count. Risty May gripped the hem of her dress and tried very hard to look normal, like she didn't suspect she would be flash-drowned in the next few minutes.

However, no murder occurred in the car. They arrived at the gigantic house before Risty May even knew it. Sloth got out of the car while Risty May was lost in thought. "Coming?" she said.

"Oh!" Risty May returned to reality. "Yes. Sorry." She climbed out of the car, trying not to gape at the huge house. And trying not to shiver at the evil person it belonged to. Her eyes fell on the front porch, and she shuddered, remembering a scene near the end of the series.

_Just push that out of your mind now. You are an almost 15-year-old about to mundanely baby-sit a little boy who-- _

Selim Bradley! Of course! Risty May had to stop her knees from locking together and just barely managed to follow Sloth up the steps. Her mind spun with the fate of the poor kid. Was there any possible way she could warn him without spoiling?

No. Of course not. If Risty May tried to prevent Selim's death it could mean someone else's in exchange. Maybe someone like Roy. Oh, why was this so difficult? Wasn't it supposed to be that Risty May was off having fun with the Elrics, seeing the sights, not completely on edge? Wasn't that how it went in all the fanfics she had read?

"Here we are."

Risty May had to pull herself from her thoughts again. And once she did, she found that they had traveled inside the house and were now face-to-face with none other than Fuhrer King Bradley himself. Or, as Risty May knew him better, Pride. The one she had always initially blamed for what happened to Roy's eye. And of course, evil Homunculus head of the country.

She squeaked.

"Well, hello there!" King Bradley said, his face set in its usual smile. "So, you're the young lady who's going to watch over my boy, today! You look just fine for the job!"

"Um, t-thank you," Risty May mumbled, looking down. She could hardly stand this. How had she let herself walk into a trap like this? What was she, an idiot?

"Well, this is my son, here." Bradley's huge hand descended down upon a head Risty May hadn't seen. She looked down and saw Selim Bradley sort of hiding behind his dad. "Selim, don't be shy now. Say hello to your caretaker!"

"Hi," Selim said. "I'm Selim."

Risty May found him so adorably cute that she had to fight tears. "Hi," she said, managing to sound cheerful. "I'm Risty May. Let's, uh, be friends for the day, okay?"

Selim nodded.

Bradley laughed. "A splendid idea!" he said. "Selim's bedtime is nine sharp, so see to it he doesn't stay up, will you?"

"Y-Yes sir!" Risty May said.

Bradley started back the way Risty May and Sloth had come, Sloth turning to follow him. "I'll be back around ten," Bradley said. "Be good!"

"Bye, Dad!" Selim said, waving as his adopted father walked through the front door.

Risty May swallowed. They couldn't leave her some instructions? When lunchtime was, or what not to let him do? Or was he just so wonderfully behaved that he'd tell her himself?

"So, uh, Selim," Risty May said, "what do you usually do around this time of day?"

Selim turned to her. "Have lunch," he said. "Dad said I could eat it with you. Can you cook?"

"Fortunately, yes," Risty May said. "Okay, so we'll have lunch! ...Um, where's the kitchen?"

* * *

After lunch, Risty May and Selim enjoyed some time outside. Then Selim suddenly remembered close to dinnertime that he had schoolwork he was supposed to do. Risty May sent him to do it while she made dinner, pretending that this boy she was looking after wasn't going to be killed at some point in the near future. She agonized over it the more she hung out with Selim and got to know him. Was there _any _way to warn him? To save him? 

Risty May knew it was wishful thinking. There just wasn't. Selim would have to die, and Risty May could not do a single thing about it if she wanted to ensure everything turned out how it was supposed to in the series. But it made her sad, and she found herself sniffling back tears as she cooked dinner.

"Can I stop now?"

"Are you done?" Risty May asked the pot as she quickly started wiping her face.

"...Almost?"

Risty May turned to see Selim in the entrance to the kitchen. He had his workbook in his hands. "Are you having trouble?" she asked.

"Maybe," Selim said, looking a little nervous.

Risty May turned off the heat on her dish and went over to him. "What's up? Need some help?"

"Well..." Selim looked down at his workbook. Risty May's eyes followed his, and she saw symbols and numbers written on the page.

"Math?" she said.

Selim nodded reluctantly.

"Well, here, let me see if I can help," Risty May said, pushing him into the study one room over. "What's got you stuck?"

"It's these right here," Selim said, holding up the book so Risty May could see.

She took the book, and her eyes nearly bugged out of her head. What was this? These were high school-level problems, as far as she could tell. Risty May looked over the book at Selim. "What are you doing with problems like these?" she exclaimed.

"Well, I'm really smart," Selim said bluntly, "so I figure stuff out faster than other kids. I'm just stuck with these."

"Luckily for you, I'm really smart," Risty May said, "so I'll help you. All right, the first problem I can see here is that you're forgetting to simplify some of these numbers. Multiplying huge numbers like these it too much to ask for almost anybody. But if you take off all these zeroes...look how much easier it is, right? Three digits is much simpler than six..."

* * *

"Goodnight, Selim," Risty May whispered into the darkness. 

"Goodnight." Risty May made a move to close the door, but stopped when Selim spoke. "Will you come back and hang out with me again sometime? I had fun today."

"Me too," Risty May whispered, then hesitated. She had no idea how soon or distant Selim's death was, because she had no idea what point of the series she was in. Besides, she could find a way home tomorrow and never see Selim again. "I'd love to hang out again," she finally said, and that was the truth.

Selim didn't respond, and Risty May guessed he was falling asleep. She closed his door, and wandered back in the direction of the study. Twenty minutes later she found it after getting lost twice.

Risty May sank into a chair and looked around the huge room. The clock on the wall read 9:22. King Bradley had said he'd be back around ten. So what would she do until then?

Spying a pen and paper on a nearby desk, Risty May scooted the chair over with great difficulty, and picked up the pen. There was always something to do when you had a pen and paper, right? She could pass the time with writing, or something.

"No," Risty May sighed. "Don't do that. You could be writing on his last sheet of scented paper from his first girlfriend or something!" She giggled at the thought of a younger Bradley dating some sweet-tempered woman who would send him stationery to declare her love. She tapped the pen on the paper, and then started to sign her name. Over and over.

Finally, Risty May flipped the page over and realize she had broken her "don't". "Oops," she said. "Well, forget that!" She rested her chin on her palm. "If only I had had some don'ts to not break before I got here," she said to herself, "like 'don't forget Zoe' or 'don't get Envy mad at you' or 'don't send anymore chain letters'..."

She trailed off as her mind clicked on the idea. Well, why not? Risty May started to write on the top of the page. "'Risty May Fernandez's Essential Don'ts When Sucked Into FMA'," she said as she wrote. "'Number One: Don't Send Anymore Chain Letters!!!'" She giggled as she underlined the phrase.

"But...maybe if someone read this," she mused, "they'd want to know why. Why not send a chain letter? What might happen?" Risty May grabbed another sheet of paper and started to write. Ideas poured out of her and onto the paper.

"'Number Nine: Don't Push Envy's Buttons'," Risty May wrote. "Why? Because... 'Envy is _very _bad-tempered!!! Especially when you bring up his past!'" She stopped, then continued. "'Egging him on is like taking yourself to the consnarking guillotine and chopping your own head off!'" She worked not to crack up at her own silly words.

"'Number Ten: Don't Let Izumi Kill You!'" Risty May giggled as she wrote. "I'm being so silly!"

"Risty May?"

Risty May's head came up, and she saw Selim in the doorway. "Oh! I'm sorry. Did I wake you up with my noisemaking?" Risty May said apologetically, not realizing how nearly impossible that was, considering the size of the manor.

"No, but, I don't feel very good," Selim mumbled.

Risty May absently folded up the papers she had written on and stuffed them in her sock as she got up and approached Selim. "What's wrong? You can't sleep, or you feel sick?"

"I dunno," Selim mumbled.

"Where does it hurt?" Risty May asked, kneeling in front of him.

Selim pointed to his chest.

"Okay, let me see." Risty May rolled up his shirt to check to for any bruises or discoloration. "I don't see anything, so you might be--"

_DANGER! _Risty May's mind screamed. Warning bells went off like crazy. Risty May had no clue what it was about, but Izumi hadn't beaten her up for a solid week for nothing. She dived to the side and heard something whoosh behind her. Somersaulting to her knees, Risty May whirled to see what had happened. "What--"

Selim stood where he had been. Only now his cute little kid features were twisted into a sneerlike expression. His right arm had somehow turned itself into a spike, and the way he held it now, if Risty May hadn't moved it would have stabbed right through her chin into her brain.

"Y-You're...not Selim," Risty May gasped, her heart beating faster.

"What gave it away?" Selim asked, his voice decidedly evil.

Risty May stood, fists clenched. "Envy! Stop snarking around and show your real face!"

Selim, or Envy, shrugged carelessly, as if none of it mattered to him. "All right." A white line appeared at his feet and traveled up his body, exchanging a small, little boy body for a tall, slender one. Once he changed completely to his usual form, Envy adopted a casual I-so-don't-care stance and flipped his hair out of the way. "So you _have _gotten a little better," he said, grinning at her. "I thought for sure I'd finished you off in our last fight."

"Well, you thought wrong," Risty May said, dropping down into the fighting stance Izumi had taught her. She prayed to anyone who was listening that her skills would be as effective in her own body. "Where's the real Selim?"

"What? Who?" Envy pretended to be confused. "I could have _sworn _I'd heard he was out of town with his mommy."

Risty May swallowed. "So...I've been spending the whole day babysitting _you_?" What a creepy thought. At any moment he could have snuck up behind her and--

"Hmm. And not only that, you're back in your own body. What a shame." Envy leaned forward from the waist, hands on his hips. "I bet wielding the pipsqueak's power was fun, wasn't it?"

"No!" Risty May snapped back. "It was really dangerous! Because of people like you and Scar who've all got a vendetta against Ed!"

Envy leaned back and shrugged. "Either way, it doesn't matter to me," he said. He moved so suddenly that Risty May couldn't keep her eyes on him. She backed up, and her back hit the desk. Attempting to block, she could barely keep up as Envy the dark blur sprinted towards her. He had launched himself into the air and flipped behind her before she could blink. Risty May tried to turn and keep him in her sights, but something hard and heavy collided with the back of her head, knocking her unconscious.

* * *

Risty May woke up facedown on something hard and cold that felt like the street. Her head hurt, and so did her front, like she had been dropped. She groaned and lifted her head, only to see Envy looming over her, the night sky behind him. With a gasp, she jumped up and backed away, fists guarding. Envy's face split into a grin at her actions. 

"So, you're going to kill me?" Risty May said, sounding brave on the outside and quaking on the inside.

Envy examined his fingernails. "Is it so obvious? I haven't forgiven you for what you did, you know."

Risty May swallowed hard. Was this it?

"However, I've got a deal for you."

Risty May's head snapped up. "Huh?"

Envy was smirking again. _Darn him. Why does he have to be so cute? _"I'll spare your useless, pathetic life," Envy said. "On one condition."

"And...what is it?" Risty May ventured, all sorts of conditions flitting through her head, each one worse than the last.

"Rumor has it _you_ know the future."

She hadn't been expecting that. "...What?" Risty May squeaked.

In one move, Envy was suddenly directly in front of Risty May. She quickly backed away, but only got about five steps before her back hit a brick wall. "I want to know what happens to the pipsqueak," Envy said. "I want to know how I kill him, and when. Tell me, and I'll let you live."

"I can't," Risty May said pathetically, leaning as far away as she could.

"I think you can." Envy leaned forward, invading Risty May's personal space. Up so close, he was even scarier, and Risty May started to shake. "If you intend to survive the night, you had better."

Risty May bit her lip, willing herself not to cry. How had this happened? How had this information leaked out? She had thought she was careful, but apparently she hadn't been.

"But why?" she finally said, her voice frightened into a whisper. "If you already know you're going to kill him, why do you need to know when? C-Can't you just...wait and be pleasantly surprised?"

"An enjoyable option," Envy said, "but I can't take any chances. Unfortunately the Full Metal Runt is incredibly resourceful and has this way of surprising people. I want to ensure that he dies, at my hands, on my terms."

Risty May was more than scared. She was terrified. Petrified. She knew the unseen dangers of revealing what would happen to anyone, and she couldn't risk the entire series being upset. But was it worth her life to avoid spoiling?

Tears once again found their way into her eyes. "I can't," she whimpered. "If I tell you, everything could go wrong. Everyone good might die. I, I just...y-you might as well go ahead and kill me, b-because I just can't. I'm sorry, I can't."

Envy closed his eyes and shook his head slowly. "What a shame," he said, his arm changing back into a spike. He hauled back and hurtled the spike at Risty May, who squeezed her eyes shut, leaking out tears.

_Mom...I love you. I'm sorry. _

* * *

Risty: (faints dead away)  
Roy: ...I think you're getting a bit carried away, Zilo.  
Zilo: (being carried away by angry readers desperate for a cliffie-killer) Eh?  
Others: (sweatdrop)  
Al: Now I'm getting scared.  
Zoe: YOU? 


	17. Don't Run Without A Plan

Zilo's Top Ten Reasons For Being Late With The Update:

1:

* * *

Others:...  
Envy: You mean you were too lazy to even write down why this stupid chapter's late?  
Zilo: Not lazy! Busy! There's a difference!  
Ed: Not when it comes to you!  
Zilo: Oh, hush! Let's answer the reviews!

Zoe: Hahah! **Wandering Hitokiri **barfed on Envy!  
Envy: (still steamed) (finally finds the common sense to morph into pre-barf Envy)  
Zilo: Um, I may be offering too late, but...barf bag?  
Ed: Yeah, too late, but who cares?

Zilo: Yay! **Marie blaze **cares about our Ritsy! And yes, it's fine to advertise! Advertise away! DO IT MORE!  
Risty: (clings to Deardra, sobbing)  
Zoe: (bonks Zilo over the head with frying pan) Don't you start this "Ritsy" stuff too!  
Envy: (flips Deardra the bird) Just try it, you knockoff muse.

Zoe: Okay, **Houran**, put Zilo down. We're back.  
Zilo: Thanks for voting! I was actually surprised at the feedback I got. I was expecting more "no"s...now I have to rewrite a couple of things...(flings away cliffhanger idol) Worship? Me? No, no, of course not!  
Zoe: Don't count your chickens, eh?

Zilo: NO! Please don't kill me, **Sanity Overload**! I HAVE SO MUCH STUFF I WANNA DO!  
Al: Has Zilo had sugar today...?  
Zilo: Well, I don't know. I guess cliffies are cool if you're the one making them! Then you know what'll happen!

Zoe: I think **Shinkutsuki **had sugar too.  
Zilo: NO! DON'T HATE ME!  
Risty: Um, cousin Zilo, do you EVER read what's in parentheses?  
Zilo: Hm? No, why?  
Others: (anime fall)

Zilo: Hi, **Sally Elric **who is impersonating **Ara Mei**! (hugs then throws flying monkeys away)  
Ed: I mean it, you people quit using our last name if it's not really yours!  
Risty: Oh, that's okay! (flies into the air two seconds after RM plushie)  
Zoe: Hmm. Must've been a voodoo doll.  
Zilo: On ho! I did? Gasp! Was it YOU who ran your shopping cart up the back of my legs and then told me I'd look good with cantaloupes under my arms?!  
Others: (anime fall again)

Zilo: Hi, **Violent Tomboy**! Thanks so much! I worked very hard to make Risty May relatable! I'm so glad I succeeded!  
Risty: So am I! I'd hate to be a Mary Sue!

Zilo: Ed's safe now, **Koinu-chan**, but thanks for the help!  
Ed: Just keep that creep away from me and we'll get along fine! (points accusingly at Shishou)  
Al: Brother, don't be mean...  
Roy: Hmphm. Whatever.

Ed: Well, I don't wuv you, **Half Human Homunculi**, so leave me be!  
Envy: Ow, dammit! WHY is everyone calling me a freaking fag?  
Zilo: (sarcastically) Oh, gee, I wonder. (tugs on Envy's skort)  
Zoe: (is Armstronged and Wrathed on)  
Armstrong: YES! THE POWER OF FLEXING! (flexes)

Zilo: **NameGoesHere**, thanks! I'm so happy! And don't worry, the cliffie is resolved today! Thanks for voting!

Zoe: Hey, who doesn't like an ending like that?  
Zilo: Hi, **AdventureAddict**! And you know, you raise a good point! But Envy's got other plans for Risty May, so he needs her alive for now...  
Risty: This sounds bad!  
Envy: Because it is, dummy.  
Ed: (muffled) nwnwnwnwnwnwnwnw! (nononononononono)  
Zilo: Thanks so much for voting! I actually expected more people to say "no" but I've got this covered! Hang with us!

Zoe: Another yes?  
Zilo: This time from **Colonel Bastard**! AlxOC? Never occurred to me! I don't think I'd be too awesome at it, though...  
Ed: WHAT THE HELL? MY GOD, THAT'S DISGUSTING! WHO WROTE THAT STORY?! I'M GOING TO GO FREAKING KILL THEM!!  
Envy: And who says YOU get to decide if I have any love?  
Other: (stare at Envy)  
Envy: I know exactly what you're about to say, so shut up.

Zilo: Thanks, **SaviorOfTheDark**!  
Envy: (sarcasm) Oo, I'm so scared of some chick named Victoria.  
Risty: Please tell me Victoria has an arsenal of weapon or at least some wicked awesome fighting moves?

Risty: Thanks so much, **Atemu'sLotus**! I probably should have refused the job...but it didn't occur to me until later!  
Zilo: Thanks for your input! We have indeed reached a decision. And I will!

Zilo: Hi there, **Glogwi**! I'm glad you like my story! And thanks for voting!  
Envy: EXCUSE ME?  
Zilo: Yep, Envy's a guy. A girly-looking guy who wears a skort and is voiced by a woman, but a guy nonetheless.  
Envy: ...SHUT up.

Zilo: **Abruptly Wandering **HATES and mistrusts me!!  
Ed: ...You stole that line from the movie.  
Zilo: That I did! Thanks for reviewing!

* * *

Zilo: Well, the results are in! Those of you who bothered to vote leaned mostly in favor of the EdxOC pairing. So-- 

Ed: (trying to lunge at Zilo but being restrained by Al) YOU BETTER NOT!

Zoe: (twitches in barely concealed rage) Napoleon...exactly WHY are you so against being paired up with Risty May?

Risty: Oh...this is bad, really bad! (passes out)

Lust/Envy: (obviously disgusted)

Zilo: Man, you guys are SO overdramatic.

* * *

Risty May was more than scared. She was terrified. Petrified. She knew the unseen dangers of revealing what would happen to anyone, and she couldn't risk the entire series being upset. But was it worth her life to avoid spoiling? 

Tears once again found their way into her eyes. "I can't," she whimpered. "If I tell you, everything could go wrong. Everyone good might die. I can't, I just...y-you might as well go ahead and kill me, b-because I just can't. I'm sorry, I can't."

Envy closed his eyes and shook his head slowly. "What a shame," he said, his arm changing back into a spike. He hauled back and hurtled the spike at Risty May, who squeezed her eyes shut, leaking out tears.

_Mom...I love you. I'm sorry._

**

* * *

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN **

**AKA "The Weight Of The World" **

**AKA "Don't Run Without A Plan" **

* * *

A flash of pain arced across her cheek. Risty May squealed and slapped her hand over the cut. The front of her dress was fisted, and she was snatched forward. She opened her eyes to look straight into Envy's. 

_Gulp. _

"Do you know who I ran into this morning?" Envy said in this frighteningly cheerful way. "A blond girl who was sleeping on a bench because she had had a feud with her friend. I said to myself, perhaps this was the break I needed, and she put up a lovely fight, but in the end I won, of course. You know, it would be a shame if something happened to her because you're so--"

"No! Leave Zoe out of this!" Risty May cried, trying to tug her dress free. "You can't do that! That's--that's--!" Tears trickled out of her eyes. Maybe it was okay to sacrifice herself, but not Zoe. It was not okay to sacrifice her friend.

"Perhaps you'd like to withdraw your previous statement?" Envy said, obviously enjoying himself.

Risty May sniffled, hard, trying to suck up all the tears. "F-Fine, I'll tell you," she said. "Just...let Zoe go, or I won't."

"Whatever. Let's hear it."

_No! No! No! No!_ her brains screamed. The part of her that wanted to save Zoe battled with the part that wanted to keep everything orderly in the series. Why, oh, why had this happened to her? If it had been Zoe, she would have known how to get out of this mess with little problem. But it was her. It was up to her to decide who was more important. Her best friend, or these fictional characters?

However, even calling them fictional didn't make the decision any easier. To Risty May, they _weren't _fictional. Over these past two months, she had become friends with Al and Roy and Ed, Riza, Sig and Izumi. Their lives seemed real to her. Who was she to decide they didn't matter just because they "weren't real"? She was in their world, interacting with them, wasn't she? So either they were real, or she was fictional too.

In other words, it was a terrible battle of wills going on inside Risty May. She felt worse than sick. She felt utterly nauseous.

"Well..." Risty May felt a sharp tug on one of her braids, and she squeaked in pain and opened her eyes. A faint glimmer of light from somewhere reflected in Envy's eyes, and in about one second, the messy beginnings of a plan dumped themselves into Risty May's head.

"You're gonna die," she blurted.

There was a pause. "What?"

"You're gonna die." Risty May looked up into Envy's eyes, feeling that same strange rush of adrenaline she had felt the last time she had faced him. "I know how you're gonna die. And it's a whoooooooooooole lot sooner than you probably think."

Envy looked surprised, then he scowled. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You're deaf? Stupid?" Risty May snapped at him. "I know how you die! I know how _all_ the Homunculi die! Dante too! And it's not pretty, not at all."

Envy stared at her, as if shocked by her sudden change in attitude. Risty May was barely believing what she was saying, but she kept going, as if her life depended on it. Which it did. "If you knew what I knew, you'd probably be scared. King Bradley? Pride? Whatever he calls himself? I know how he dies too. And he deserves it! He really does!"

Envy hauled Risty May to eye level. "If you're trying to be a smart-ass..." he growled.

"Even if you kill me, you'll still get yours!" Risty May yelled at him. "You empty-headed dummy, you'll sign your own death check! If you weren't so consumed with killing Ed and Hohenheim--"

Envy hauled back to punch Risty May, but she was so caught up in her wild tangent that she didn't even flinch. She merely aimed her hardest kick at his shin. Envy hissed through his teeth and loosened his grip on her shirt, and Risty May tore herself free and took off to the right.

"Get back here, you brat!" Envy yelled at her, already regenerating and giving chase.

Risty May gave no heed and kept running. She wasn't sure where she was headed, but she kept going and saw a brick wall rising up ahead of her. Swallowing hard, she ran towards it, and at the last second leaped with all her might. Her fingertips fell about a foot short, and she dropped back down and landed on her feet.

_Oh no! How do I get past the wall? I can't reach the top--do I have time to draw? _

Risty May frantically patted her pockets and her socks, and was relieved to finally find a pen down in her shirt. She whipped it out and frantically started to scribble on her hand, hearing Envy's footsteps getting closer. _Gotta blow up the wall, gotta blow up the wall, gotta blow up the wall, _she chanted to herself as she drew the simplest circle she could remember.

It kind of looked like a dog that had died chasing its tail, but it would have to do. Risty May heard the footfalls directly behind her and panicked. She clapped her hands and slammed her palms onto the hard surface. _Blow up_!

Instead she felt something rise under her feet. The wall in front of her exploded, sending vision-hindering dust clouds everywhere. Risty May was launched into the air, screaming. She flew up into the night sky, the wind pulling tears from her eyes, her screams snatched away.

For a moment, she felt like she was flying. Risty May stretched out her arms and stared down at the city streets below. What was she--three, four stories up? She seemed to sail to safety as the harsh wind slowly died down.

But the moment couldn't last forever. Risty May looked down and realized the streets were coming closer, and fast.

_I'm falling! HELP! _

A tree branch smacked her in the face. Risty May spit out leaves, and then realized that a tree's branches were within her grasp. Desperately, she reached out and grabbed for anything to stop her from falling. Twigs and leaves snapped off in her hands, too weak too support her weight. Then, a large, sturdy-looking branch stretched across her path. Risty May reached for it, scrambled, fumbled, and caught hold with one hand. Her legs jerked under her in a rough half-circle, and her momentum threatened to send her upwards again.

With the last of her arm strength, Risty May secured a second hold. When her legs went flying upwards, she forced herself to flip backwards, making three turns around the branch, like an uneven bar. The sound of wood cracking reached her ears, and on the fourth turn she let go and threw herself into a backflip, rolling to the ground and scraping her knees. Like a gymnast's dismount, she sprung to her feet, but instead of making a Y-shape with her body, she whirled around to see if a certain Homunculus was still chasing her.

No one. The night settled down quietly, as if there hadn't been a girl flying through the air ten seconds ago.

Breathing heavily, Risty May took off for the nearest street sign. Once she got her bearings, she ran for the inn.

* * *

Dawn rose with a very tired Risty May at the train station, her hair pathetically tucked under her large, floppy sailor-style hat. Her backpack, fully packed with everything she had in this world, was strapped to her back, and she had taken her sunglasses and punched out the lens, so it looked as though she were wearing glasses. That, and a change to her dullest outfit--a long-sleeved brown shirt under faded denim overalls and sneakers--were a pathetic disguise, but it was the best she had. 

"How can I help you, ma'am?" the smiling ticketmaster said from his side of the booth.

Risty May slapped down the last of the money Zoe had wheedled out of Ed so they could go shopping. "One ticket to Dublith, please," she said, covering a yawn.

The ticketmaster took the money. "You look tired," he said. "Not enough sleep last night?"

"You don't know the half of it," Risty May sighed.

* * *

So, three hours later, Risty May was on a train bound for Dublith. She curled up on her bench, her backpack protectively under her, and attempted to sleep. But images of her near-death, and the horrible conversation with Envy kept her awake. She pillowed her head on her arms and sighed heavily, not even feeling the hardness of the seat or the bumps in the ride. Her body was already sore enough from being attacked, dropped, and hurled through the sky. 

Tears leaked slowly out of her eyes, surprising her. She didn't know she had had any tears left. But there was plenty to cry about. Ed and Al were gone, Zoe was both mad at her and being held hostage, Envy was probably still after her, and who knew what else was going to go wrong? To top it off, her birthday was in three days, both here and at home, and she was only partially certain of where she'd spend it.

_I want to go home, _Risty May thought as she cried silently to herself.

* * *

"Brother, it's okay," Al said, trying to calm his brother down. 

"It is _not _okay!" Ed somehow shouted and whispered at the same time. "All that work for nothing! I swear, if I find one more charlatan alchemist shamming the people, I'm going to freaking _explode_!"

Al sighed. "It wasn't like he was doing anything _wrong_, exactly," he reasoned. "He was trying to help the people--"

"By passing himself off as a State Alchemist?! I don't think so!"

"Brother, not so loud. People are staring."

Ed glared at the eyes turned in his direction and slumped in his seat. "All I'm saying is, this was just a big waste of time. I could have been searching a _real_ lead for all the time I took up in that town."

"Well, we thought this was a real lead. How could we know?" Al said.

"Yeah, I guess." Ed sighed and looked out the window as the train slowly came to a stop in Central Station. He grabbed his suitcase and led the way off, Al following. However, the second he stepped back into Central, he was verbally attacked.

"All right, you asshole, where's Risty May?!"

Ed blinked and had to take a step back to recognize who was yelling at him. It was Zoe, looking incredibly pissed.

"Hi, Zoe," Al said, not having heard what she had just said. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for Risty May!" Zoe fumed. "I thought she might be here trying to catch a train to meet with you bozos!"

Ed's brows crinkled. "For what? She already saw us off two days ago."

"What happened?" Al asked.

"The night before you two left, we had a fight, okay?" Zoe sighed and ran a hand through her hair, which looked slightly more unkempt than usual. "Well...I said some things I shouldn't have. Okay, a _lot _of things I shouldn't have. Anyway, I left her at the inn and went and rented my own room. I had some time alone to think about it, and so I went to apologize to her this morning. But she wasn't there! She packed up all her stuff and went somewhere! I asked Mustard about it, and he said he hadn't heard from her since she had gotten some babysitting job with the Fuhrer."

Ed and Al exchanged a glance. "So she's missing?" Al said.

"Duh, she's missing!" Zoe snapped. "So what I wanna know is, did you two losers tell her to meet you wherever you went?!"

"Why would we do that?" Ed challenged. "We were on business. Risty May would only get in the way."

"Well then, where is she?!" Zoe demanded.

Ed scowled. "I don't know, but don't take your guilt out on me!"

"Oh, shut up, Napoleon!" Zoe crossed her arms, huffing. "Fine. I'm going to go see Mustard and see if he'll send some dudes out to find her. You two are useless." She stomped off.

Silence reigned for a few moments after she had left. "...So Risty May and Zoe _did _have a fight," Al finally said.

"And now Risty May's gone AWOL," Ed said, his chin in his hand. "I wonder where she would go?"

* * *

The sound of the second train's whistle dragged Risty May from a fitful sleep. Sun was streaming through the windows, and someone was yelling out that they had arrived at Dublith's station. After her uncomfortable and frightening evening on a bench at the station while waiting for her connecter, Risty May had finally been able to get some sleep on the second train as it traveled through the night. 

Slowly, she roused herself and gathered up her backpack. Putting her fake glasses back into place, just in case, she managed to join the line exiting the train, all the while rubbing her eyes and trying to combat the drowsiness of minimal sleep.

Stepping out into the sun helped wake her up some more. Blinking, Risty May shuffled out of the way of the people still exiting the train, backpack sort of slung over a shoulder. "I need something to eat, and soon. And maybe something caffinated," she sighed to herself.

Someone walking past bumped into her, and Risty May shuffled over to give them room. But she stumbled as her backpack was snatched from her fingers, and the guy who had grabbed it took off. "Hey! Give that back!" she cried, now fully awake and giving chase.

The man glanced back once at her as he started to pull away. Risty May still kept running, shouting after him. "Give back my backpack! You jerk! Come back!"

There was a sharp clap behind her, and suddenly, metal bars rose out of the ground around the robber in a flash of blue light. He stopped short, his progress hindered, as a cage was transmuted around him. Once it was finished, it resembled a cute bird cage, only person-sized.

Looking around frantically, the man started to tug at the bars. "Lemme outta here!" he panicked.

Risty May stomped up to him and kicked him in the shin. Crying out in pain, he dropped her backpack to grab his injured leg, and she caught it. "After all the crap I've been through, you go and steal my _stuff_?!" she yelled at him. "I am _so _not in the mood to be robbed!"

Someone walked up next to her, one arm around a couple of boxes. "The police will pick you up shortly, thief," a familiar woman's voice said. Risty May turned to her in surprise, just as the woman turned to her and spoke. "Are you all right? He didn't harm you, did--"

Izumi Curtis broke off when she caught sight of Risty May in the pathetic disguise. "Edward?" she said, blinking in confusion.

Risty May gasped, then impulsively hugged Izumi's waist. "No! It's me, Risty May! You saved me--again!"

"You switched back?" Izumi said, staring down at the floppy hat obscuring Risty May's face. "Why are you wearing that terrible disguise? Aren't those fake glasses?"

"Yes, it's a long story, and yes," Risty May said, looking up earnestly into Izumi's dark eyes. "I promise to explain, but please, please, take me home with you!"

Izumi arched an eyebrow.

* * *

Izumi did indeed take Risty May home. After swearing her to secrecy, Risty May spilled to Izumi about the Homunculi's trap, leaving out the part about Bradley being a Homunculus. 

"So now I have to stay under the Homunculi's radar," Risty May said, fingering her fake glasses. "If they're really after me because of my, um, I guess ability to see the future, then I have to hide."

Izumi crossed her arms and considered. "So you came to me?"

Risty May nodded. "I don't know where else I can go." She lowered her eyes. "Please say you won't kick me out."

"I won't," Izumi said. "If you're certain they'd want to use you as some sort of seer, it is best that you lay low. I'm not sure here is the best place."

"But I didn't want to stay in Central, and I don't know anyone outside it besides you," Risty May said. "And it's only temporary. Until I can go and save Zoe."

"You plan to confront them?"

"I've got to! I dragged Zoe into this, so I have to get her out."

Izumi shook her head. "Did he bring you proof that he had your friend?"

Risty May frowned. "Proof? Like what, an ear?"

"Or a picture, or a lock of hair. Something that indicated he wasn't simply lying to you to get what he wanted."

Slowly, Risty May realized that Envy hadn't brought her any proof at all. In the heat of the moment, she had just assumed he was telling her the truth. "No," she finally admitted, "now that I think about it, he didn't. Do you think he was lying, then?"

"I do," Izumi said. "I think it was a backup plan in case you did get away, to draw you out."

That made sense, if Risty May thought about it. "Then, will you let me stay here, at least for a little while, until I can contact Zoe, and, um, find us a way back?"

Izumi leaned back in her chair. "I suppose that would work," she said.

"Thank you so much, Miss Izumi!" Risty May said, clasping her hands to her chest.

"Very well. I trust you remember what I said to you the last time you were here."

"Ummm..." Risty May put her finger to her chin and looked up at the ceiling. "'Ed, stay out of trouble'?"

Izumi smiled. "Close, but no. Are you up to a trip to the backyard?"

* * *

Zoe: Is Risty May still out? 

Risty: (still out)

Roy: Hmm, I'd say that's a yes.

Ed: (pokes Risty with stick) Maybe she's dead.

Al: Isn't that, like, bad?

Lust: Maybe.

Envy: No.

Zilo: I feel like I'm being ignored in my own A/Ns...

Wrath: Hey, you. Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, weirdo. Read the Omake. (points down)

* * *

**OMAKE THEATER **

"I'm glad we came to this agreement," Envy said, whipping out a notebook and pen, and putting on a pair of stylish reading glasses. "Now, let's start with what matters most."

Risty May nodded. "In the fyooo-chuuur," she said in a creepy voice, "people will be able to communicate on tiny cordless phones that they can carry around with them!"

"Pssh, yeah right," Envy snorted, writing it down anyway. "Go on."

"And...music will dictate how people should solve problems! They'll have genres like techno, pop, heavy metal! And rap!"

Lust popped out of nowhere. "What about alchemy?" she asked.

"Oh, yeah, we won't do that anymore."

Envy and Lust gave each other incredulous looks.

"Oh, yeah and...people will be able to connect with other people all over the world with a tool called the 'internet'! Things like pop-ups of topless busty women and stupid spam will be included."

"What about world domination?" Dante asked, walking into the room.

"That'll be, like, illegal or something, but people will still try! in fact, one company will pretty much succeed!"

Dante leaned forward eagerly.

"They'll call it 'Wal-Mart'."

"Write down 'discover how to take over Wal-Mart'," Dante instructed Envy.

"Oh, yeah, and Lust, women will be a lot nakeder than they are now."

Lust snapped her fingers. "I knew it." Greed came through the window, and Lust stuck out her hand. "Pay up. Women get nakeder."

"Crap!" Greed sighed, handing Lust a few bills. "What about fur-trimmed vests?"

"Uh...only the pimps will wear those."

Greed, the ultimate pimp, nodded in satisfaction.

"What about food?" Gluttony asked, coming through the trap door under the rug.

"They'll have these restaurants solely dedicated to letting you eat however much you want at a set price," Risty May said. "They call them 'all you can eat buffets'."

Gluttony looked mesmerized.

"And one time, my cousin tested it out and took a bite out of the tablecloth, and they were okay with it!"

Gluttony looked overjoyed.

Envy was writing as fast as he could. "Do women get to rule over men?" Dante asked.

"Um, in some ways. Like, some wives will totally pwn their husbands. And there'll be women CEOs too, I think. And women running cities and states and junk. Oh, yeah, my dad's boss is a woman."

Dante pumped a fist and stuck out her hand towards Greed. "Pay up, women will pwn," she said.

Greed sighed and parted with more money, mumbling about not taking sucker bets.

"Oh! And instead of hijacking bodies to live forever," Risty May said to Dante, "you can live practically forever by getting this thing called 'plastic surgery'. And more dudes will wear crop tops, Envy. In fact, there's a few places in the 'nightclub' category where you'd fit right in."

"Hmm," Envy said, still writing.

"And eye patches?" Pride asked, busting through the ceiling.

"Um...no, those will die out."

Greed triumphantly stuck out a hand. "Pay up! Eye patches will be out!"

Pride angrily tossed some money at Greed.


	18. Cut The Crap

Zilo: Hi, **Wandering Hitokiri**!  
Risty: I know. Isn't it terrible, Annora? Plus painful.  
Zilo: Yay! I nearly knocked someone off their chair!  
Al: But...isn't that bad?  
Envy: (snorts) What-EVER. Like I care what an insignificant human thinks. (discreetly sniffs skin and sneaks away)  
Greed: I agree with you 100 percent, kid! 

Zoe: Hey look. **Marie blaze **and company are beating the crap out of Envy.  
Ed/Roy/Risty: Yay!  
Envy: DAMN YOU ALL! (regenerates and escapes)  
Ed: Get back here, you palm tree! (transmutes arm into frying pan and gives chase)  
Zilo: Maybe I'll draw Envy in glasses! And no worries, **Marie**, I did! Very funny!

Risty: Thanks for starting to review, **UraharaFangirl**!  
Zilo: Hey! I've got a Homunculus in my brain?  
Roy: ...I don't think that's how she meant it.  
Ed: AWOL stands for "absence without leave" which is a military term. It basically means someone ran off without telling anybody. And I don't even use that phrase!  
Zilo: So? Creative license! **Eloquent Liar, **thanks for reviewing!

Risty: Uh oh...I see what's coming...  
Zilo: I FAILED A READER! **SANITY OVERLOAD **DIDN'T LIKE--  
Zoe: (whacks with frying pan) Calm down! **SO **said it was just a preference, and still left some encouragement!  
Zilo: (passed out)  
Ed: BREAKOUT!  
(FMA characters make a break for it and slam into the fourth wall)  
Zoe: Uh...huh.

Ed: (chases **Shinkutsuki **around the room)  
Risty: Thanks for reviewing! (dumps a bucket of water on Zilo)

Zilo: Gak! ED! YOU MADE **HALF HUMAN HOMUNCULI **CRY! (whips out frying pan)  
Ed: I was just stating an opinion! (runs away as Zilo chases him)  
Envy: The HELL?! I'M NOT A DAMN FAG JUST BECAUSE SOME SICK FREAKS DECIDE TO WRITE ME AS ONE!  
Winry: Not so loud! (brandishes wrench)  
Envy/Ed: (run from Zilo and Winry, who are carrying their weapons)  
Armstrong: (flexes along with **HHH**)  
Izumi: If you survived the random stupidity in this response, then thank you.

Zilo: I know, right, **Phantom SunsSong**?  
Risty: Hopefully it'll all work out...  
Zoe: Yeah, hopefully. But I'm not super mad! At least not yet.  
Bradley: Unfortunately, I fall under none of those categories, so I'm out of luck.  
Random Pirate: Unfortunately for ye, indeed, matey! 

Zilo: If it's not what we think, then why, Miss **Sally Elric**?  
Ed: Because it SUCKS?  
Zilo: Hmm.  
Risty: Will someone please get the doll out of the tree? I can't get down!  
Zilo: Ohhh! So THAT was you! Okay, but that happened three times, so which one were you?  
Ed: Yes, you CAN stop using it, unless it's your actual last name!!  
Zilo: What? No evil muffin? NOOO!!

Envy: You hoped wrong, **Colonel Bastard**. I'll never be a good guy.  
Zilo: Except in AU fics!  
Risty: Ooh! That would be fun! Misty Ray is pretty!  
Zoe: Yeah, that part was hilarious, especially since Risty May was safe afterwards!  
Zilo: Unfortunately, it's true! I have the whole story at the end of the chapter! 

Zilo: I'm glad you liked it, **Atemu'sLotus**! Eh, Greed'll get more.  
Risty/Zilo/Zoe: (put on eye patches)  
Ed: (puts eye patch over Roy's mouth)  
Envy: (sticks eye patch down Al's armor)  
Zilo: Thanks for reviewing!

* * *

Zilo: Guess what, all? I'm changing my penname! Yep, it's going to be something different! So don't act surprised when it happens, got it?

Ed: Are we supposed to care?

Roy: I guess.

Lust: Why?

Zilo: Everyone, hush! It's chapter time!

* * *

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN  
AKA "Cut The Crap"  
AKA "Don't Take It Out On Your Hair" **

"Hello?"

"_Rose, it's me._"

"Julio! You sound much better today."

"_I'm a little better. Just tell me you've got our daughter back home._"

"I'm afraid not, dear. I've tried the reverse chain letter five times now, and nothing has happened. I supposed that it was an overnight effect, like the first one, but I haven't been able to bring her back at all. I think that something's missing that the girl online doesn't know or didn't tell me."

"_Or maybe this is a waste of time and we need to track down whoever kidnapped Risty._"

"Don't say that. I know where she is, Julio. I watched her and Zoe leave with my own eyes. I just have to figure out what it is I'm missing. Don't worry; I'll get her and Zoe back."

"_I hope so. This entire idea seems ridiculous to me, but I know you wouldn't make up a story concerning a dire matter like this. Please hurry, Rose._"

"You know I will. Now go ahead and get back to work. I'll let you know if anything changes."

"_All right._"

* * *

Risty May aimed a kick at Izumi's side, but Izumi dodged and caught her ankle, flipping her to the ground. Risty May bounced back up and started throwing punches. Izumi dodged them all and used a sweep kick to knock Risty May off her feet. Risty May fell, but she threw out a kick before she hit the ground. Izumi blocked the kick with her forearm.

Without further ado, Risty used her momentum to do a backwards somersault and get herself back on her feet. She ran at Izumi again, stopped at the last minute, and tried a spinning kick. Izumi dodged and retaliated by grabbing one of Risty May's braids and slinging the girl over her head. Risty May landed hard on her back on the ground, shoving all the air out of her lungs. Her scalp stung where the hairs from the offended braid had been grabbed.

Izumi leaned over her. "In battle, the enemy will use any advantage they can get," she said, reaching out a hand. "Even your hair. So you've got to be careful."

Risty May took her hand and got up, rubbing her sore chest. Her breathing was a little shuddery.

"However, you have improved a bit after all," Izumi said.

"R-heally?" Risty May breathed.

Izumi nodded.

Risty May caught her breath, then pumped both fists in the air. "Yay!" she cheered.

"At least you're a girl again now," Izumi said, shaking her head. "Now come on, and let's have lunch."

"Oka--" Risty May tripped and fell.

Izumi sighed.

* * *

Risty May blinked at the wall again, then turned over to check the clock. It wasn't even 6 AM yet. The sun wasn't thinking of being up. She just couldn't sleep, despite having had little over the past couple of days.

She climbed out of bed and went to the window, looking out at the dark sky. She wanted to call Roy and let him know she was all right, in case he was wondering, but she didn't want to run the risk of Bradley finding out where she was and passing it along to Envy or someone else who would hunt her down.

A big part of her also wanted to try and get a hold of Ed or Zoe. But why bother? Ed and Al were out of town, and Zoe was mad at her because she was pathetic and spent too much time with the Elrics. Just thinking of some of the things Zoe had yelled at her made tears spring to her eyes, and then she felt anger, because the tears reminded her of Zoe's calling her a crybaby.

So it was true. Zoe had been like a surrogate mother to her for a long time. That was because for a long time she had been a weepy chump who couldn't do anything for herself. But now she was trying to be something better, and what happened? She had a fight with her closest friend. Zoe probably wouldn't forgive her anytime soon.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. Risty May spun around to go back to the bed, and the ends of her hair, loose for the night, tickled her fingertips.

Suddenly she was angry at her hair. She had been growing it out her whole life. She spent so much time taking care of it. Zoe had made a big deal about making sure Ed had taken care of it, or doing it herself.

"_The enemy will use any advantage they can get, even your hair,_" Izumi had said. If Risty May was ever forced to fight Envy again, no doubt he'd use a dirty trick like that. He'd done that to Ed in the manga, right?

_Stupid_ _hair!_ Risty May thought angrily, fisting her loose hair and holding it up in front of her face. _Stupid, stupid hair! What meaning do you have? Can you make Zoe un-mad at me? Can you take me home? Can you do ANYTHING but give my enemy an extra edge in a fight_?!

She stalked to the bathroom in a flurry of fury. Flicking on the light, she looked around. Her eyes fell on the pair of scissors she had left in there earlier on the sink, when custom-cutting a bandage to put over a scrape on her arm. She snatched up the scissors, grabbed a section of hair, and held the scissors around them.

A tiny warning bell went off in her head. _But you've been growing your hair your whole life_!

_SHUT UP!_

Risty May closed the scissors with a decisive slice. A long lock of brownish-black hair floated to the floor.

* * *

Izumi frowned as she started down the hall. She had specifically told Risty May to meet her outside at nine sharp this morning, so they could have another lesson. It was 9:02, and Izumi did not tolerate tardiness. It was disrespectful. Risty May didn't seem like the kind to disrespect her elders, so perhaps Izumi would just give her a warning this time, and not actually hit her.

As she neared the room where Risty May was no doubt sleeping, Izumi noticed that the door was flung open. She looked in and saw that the bed was empty. Crinkling her eyebrows, Izumi stepped back out and looked around.

Now that she had stopped walking, a faint noise reached her ears. It sounded like crying. Izumi followed the noise to the bathroom and flung the door open with a firm hand.

Risty May was sitting on the floor, squeezing a pair of scissors in her hands. She was the one crying. But the shocking part of the scene was that her hair had been butchered. It was much shorter and entirely uneven, ranging in length from just above her shoulders to halfway down her back. The missing hair was piled around her.

"What on earth?!" Izumi demanded.

Risty May looked up at her, big teary eyes making her look younger. "I screwed up my hair," she whimpered.

"That's quite the understatement," Izumi said flatly. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"I was mad. And I took it out on my hair." Risty May looked down at her lap. "My best friend hates me, and now I've got to hide, and Mom's probably so worried about me, and I won't be home for my birthday tomorrow, and having long hair won't fix _any _of that!" More tears spilled from her eyes, and Izumi realized just how distressed and hysterical she was. So she did the only thing she could to help her.

Izumi slapped Risty May across the face. "A rash act like this certainly won't solve any of your problems!" she thundered. "This was a very foolish thing to do! Your hair helps nothing and hurts nothing! It's neutral and doesn't need to be ruined!"

Risty May hugged the scissors to her chest and cried harder. Izumi sighed heavily, knelt down, and pulled her into a hug. "Calm down," she ordered in a less thundering tone. "Hysterics won't solve your problems, either."

They remained like that for a little while, until Risty May was finally able to calm down and stop crying. Izumi let go. "Now do you plan to fix your hair or would you prefer to walk around like that?" she asked.

"Um...I've never cut hair before, s-so..." Risty May timidly held the scissors out to Izumi. "Would you please fix my hair for me, Miss Izumi?"

Izumi took the scissors. "Yes. Now clean up this mess," she ordered.

"Yes ma'am."

* * *

When Mason walked into the back room, carrying a pile of boxes, a giant clump of hair was shoved in his face. "Get rid of this," Izumi commanded.

Mason blinked the at the hair, and freed up a hand to take it. "Sure, but...isn't this Risty May's hair?"

"She felt like a change," Izumi said. "Now, please."

"Sure." Mason dropped the hair on top of his boxes and walked out.

Izumi turned around and walked back to the chair where Risty May sat. "Thank you for not telling him what really happened, Miss Izumi," Risty May said in a small voice.

"I see no reason why it can't stay between the two of us," Izumi said as she took up her position behind the chair and lifted the scissors. "Especially since you should be ashamed of yourself for such a reckless act."

"I know, and I am, and I'm sorry," Risty May said, hunching her shoulders.

Izumi picked up where she had left off on Risty May's hair, carefully comparing sections to even them out. "I may not want to know this, but what prompted you to do such a thing?" she asked.

"Well...I was just really upset. About all the things I said earlier. And then I remembered what you said when we were sparring yesterday, and...well, I just felt like my hair was one of the biggest symbols of how my life used to be." Risty May paused for a moment, rubbing an eye.

"Go on," Izumi prompted, slicing through some more strands of hair.

"And...it's just that I've always been such a girly-girl, you know, not really tough or brave or anything. And my hair just felt like it represented all of that at the time I grabbed the scissors."

"So by chopping off all your hair, you wanted to prove you were brave, and not a 'girly-girl'," Izumi summarized.

"I know it was stupid, Miss Izumi, but I was really, really upset. So much stuff has happened to me lately, and I'm not strong like Ed. I can't really handle it well."

Izumi said nothing as she evened out some more hair. Risty May stared morosely at the blank wall she faced, hands limp in her lap. Little clippings of hair covered her shoulders, arms, and legs, and were in an uneven circle around the chair. Her head felt cold already.

"Edward has had very traumatic experiences in his life," Izumi said. Risty May nodded slowly, signifying that she knew. "Both he and Alphonse still go through many difficult decisions and memories each day. They can't afford to crack up. They have no one to rely on but themselves."

"That's why...that's why I admire them so much," Risty May pointed out. "Even after everything that's happened to them, Ed can still smile and joke around. Al can still be so nice and friendly. I just...I wish I was more like them. I guess that's why I was spending so much time with him...them. I hoped it'd rub off on me. But all that did was make my best friend angry at me."

Izumi didn't reply as she evened out the last section of Risty May's hair. "You're done," she announced.

Risty May swallowed and reached back, running her fingers through her hair. If she didn't stray too far from her scalp, it felt the same, but about an inch under her chin, she met unfamiliar blunt edges. She fingered her now short hair, wishing she could pull it in front of her eyes and look at it. But was too short for that. Her new eye-length bangs, which she had requested, tickled her forehead, and Risty May found herself sweeping them away.

Izumi brushed Risty May's shoulders free of hair, and Risty May stood, stretching her stiff limbs. She stepped over to the mirror on the next wall, and could barely recognize the face looking back. A simple haircut and an addition of bangs had changed her face so drastically it was almost scary. Her ears seemed to stand out more, and the heart shape of her face wasn't as definable. She lifted the sides of her hair and let them drop.

"It's not the most fashionable cut in the world, but it's much better than what you had," Izumi commented, putting the chair back where it had come from.

"My hair hasn't been this short since I was a toddler," Risty May said to her reflection, "and the only way I know that is because I've seen the pictures. I can't ever remember my hair being above my shoulders."

Izumi walked over and ruffled it. "If you want my opinion, it makes you look more mature," she said.

"Really?" A little glow rose on Risty May's cheeks, and she turned from side to side to examine her new hair.

"Don't become vain." Izumi looked at Risty May in the mirror. "It's about time for another lesson, I think."

* * *

"Hmm," Roy said, his cheek resting on his chin.

"So will you help or not?" Zoe demanded.

"Actually, I don't think that will be a problem. The Fuhrer himself has troops out looking for Risty May."

Zoe sighed in relief. "The Fuhrer? Why?" Ed asked.

Roy didn't look as relieved as Zoe. In fact, he looked grim. "He says she needs to be brought in for questioning."

"What?" Al exclaimed.

"Why?!" Zoe demanded.

"Apparently she simply took off the night she was taking care of his son. The last person who saw her, besides the Fuhrer's son, who isn't even being brought up, was the Fuhrer himself and his secretary, Miss Douglas. He wants to know why she decided to leave his son unguarded."

Zoe ran her fingers through her hair frustratedly. "That doesn't sound like Risty May," Al commented.

"No kidding," Ed agreed.

Roy shrugged. "From the time I've known her, I'd agree with you, but what other explanation is there? She's not here, and she hasn't contacted any of you, so where did she go? Why tell no one? And what for?"

Zoe crossed her arms and tucked her chin into her chest. "Can we search for her too?" Al volunteered.

Roy glanced up at him. "You and Zoe can, but I need Full Metal's report before he can go traipsing off."

"Finish it and come join us, okay Brother?"

Ed waved a hand. "Yeah. Just go ahead."

* * *

Al and Zoe walked side by side down the street. Occasionally they'd stop someone, hold up a picture of Risty May, and inquire about her. However, they had had no luck at all. No one had seen her.

"Don't worry, Zoe," Al said encouragingly. "We'll find her. She can't have gone far."

"This is my fault," Zoe mumbled into her chest.

"What do you mean?"

Zoe lifted her head briefly to swipe her bangs out of her eyes. "I said such mean things to her. If I hadn't gotten all mad at her and ran off, maybe she would have come to me with whatever's going on. Instead, nobody knows where she is, and she's under suspicion for heck knows what, and I'm worrying myself insane."

"Everybody fights sometimes," Al pointed out, "and sometimes say things they don't mean. Brother and I have said hurtful things to each other, but we always made up and went on stronger than before."

"No, you don't get it, Al," Zoe said. "Risty May and me _never_ fight. I've never yelled at her like I did last night. I freaking made her cry. And that's easy to do, of course, but I personally have never done it. I even called her a crybaby. God, what kind of friend am I? Sure, she shouldn't have ignored me like she did, but I didn't have to bite her head off."

Zoe dropped her head again and stopped talking. Al let her be.

* * *

By the end of the day, Alphonse and Zoe had had no headway at all. He walked her to the inn. "Don't worry, Zoe, we'll start looking again tomorrow."

Zoe shrugged and looked away. "Tomorrow's her birthday," she said, seemingly to herself.

Al couldn't believe he had forgotten. He patted Zoe's shoulder. "It'll be okay."

"Yeah, whatever. See you tomorrow, I guess." Zoe stuffed her hands in her pockets and trudged to the inn's entrance. Al waited until she had gone in, then turned around and started back to Headquarters.

* * *

* * *

Risty May woke up with the sun in her eyes. She groaned and rolled over, trying to get away from the blinding light. Realizing that it was morning, she sat up and yawned. Her head felt cold, and she reached back to figure out why. Her fingers came in contact with the ends of her hair, and suddenly she remembered.

Slowly, Risty May lifted her hair, then let it drop again. It fanned out and tickled her neck. She shook her head rapidly from side to side, and her hair repeatedly slapped each cheek. She leaned forward so it fell over her face, then snapped her head up, making her hair fly upwards before settling down.

"This is still weird," Risty May thought aloud, smoothing down the messiness that had occurred from her wild head movements. She looked down at the two ponytail holders on her wrist. Was her hair even long enough to use those anymore?

She took the holders and put her hair into two tiny pigtails at either side of the base of her head. They were so short they stuck out at angles. Risty May giggled and then climbed out of bed. She quickly dressed herself in jeans, sneakers, and a white shirt with a red collar and R M F on the front in red. Then she turned to the mirror hanging on the wall next to the window, looking at her reflection.

"Today is your birthday," she said aloud. "You, Marista May Lidia Fernandez, not only look different, but are a lot different. You're 15 now, so you've got to be stronger, braver, smarter, and more grown-up than you were when you were 14." This was a tradition for Risty May. She always gave herself a pep talk in the mirror on the morning of her birthday.

"You've never had such a drastic change to your hair before, but maybe now you won't seem like such a girly-girl. It's time to face the world!" Risty May turned and left her room.

She found Sig and Mason in the butcher shop and greeted them. "Where's Miss Izumi?" Risty May asked.

"She went on an errand," Sig told her.

"So, I hear it's your birthday today!" Mason commented.

Risty May nodded. "I'm 15 now, so I'm going to be a lot more mature, to match my new hairstyle!"

Mason laughed. "All right, then, we'll take you at your word."

Izumi suddenly threw open the door, a box on her hip. "Good, you're up," she said when she saw Risty May. "If you weren't I was going to come and toss you out the window."

"Um, no need for that, Miss Izumi!" Risty May said hastily.

"So I see. Who's up for a picnic?"

Risty May raised a hand. "I am! Oh, wait." She lowered her hand. "This isn't some trick to get me on Yock Island for that month-long torture-training thing, is it?"

"Hmm. You ruined your birthday surprise."

Risty May squeaked and dived behind Sig.

"Just kidding," Izumi assured her. "No, I was thinking of someplace less ominous."

* * *

The next morning, Alphonse went to pick Zoe up from the inn. Halfway there, he ran into her showing a picture of Risty May to a man. The man shook his head, and Zoe's shoulders slumped. She turned and walked in Al's direction without seeing him.

"Zoe!" Al called.

Zoe raised her head and saw him. "Oh, hi Al," she said, sounding a little glum.

"I guess you haven't had any luck this morning," Al guessed.

Zoe shook her head. "Not a thing. Al, I'm just so worried. How could Risty May vanish into thin air?"

"I don't know, but she's got to be somewhere. Don't worry, Zoe, we'll find her," Al encouraged.

Zoe nodded and sighed. "Yeah, I hope so. I mean, it's her birthday and everything. Where's Ed?"

"He had to stop in and see the colonel today. I think he's going to see if his schedule can be cleared for a couple of days so he can help with the search," Al said.

"Really? I'm surprised. Now they just need to fall in love," Zoe commented.

"I'm sorry?"

"Oh, nothing. Let's go meet up with Ed and start looking again."

Al nodded. "Okay."

* * *

"Excuse me." A woman with short brown hair leaned over into the booth, smiling. "Did you drop this, ma'am?"

"Huh?" Zoe lifted her head from where she was staring out the train window, sitting alone in a booth. The lady held out a picture of her and Risty May with their arms around each other's shoulders, giving peace signs to the camera. "Oh, yes. Thanks," Zoe said, taking the photograph. "I wouldn't want to lose that."

"Your friend?" the lady inquired.

Zoe nodded. "Yes. It's her birthday, and I'm trying to find her, and last night I had an idea of where she might have gone. So I'm off to confirm or deny it."

"Well, I hope you find her," the woman said, smiling.

Zoe smiled back. "Thanks."

* * *

Envy suppressed a grin. This plan was absolutely foolproof. He should have impersonated that brat's friend ages ago.

_Thought you'd escape me, you little nuisance? Too bad for you, it's not going to work that way._

* * *

Zoe: Zilo. WHY are you so mean?

Zilo: I have no idea of that which you speak!

Ed: Ah, man! These cliffhangers are starting to drive me nuts!

Al: I don't think I can handle many more...

Wrath: Wusses!

Envy: I really need to kill somebody right now...

Riza: Please join us next time.

* * *

**THE TABLECLOTH STORY**  
(just because you asked, **Colonel Bastard**) 

Me, Risty, my little brother Revo, and my mother and aunt (Risty's mom, Rose) went to an all-you-can-eat buffet to spend some time together. Why Revo was there, considering he was the only boy, I know not. This was about a year and a half ago, so I was 17, Risty was 14, and Revo was 11.

Revo: Look at this tablecloth. It's made of paper. (tugs on tablecloth)

Mom: (to Revo) What are you getting first, honey?

Zilo/Risty: (eyeing mounds of food from our places at the table)

Revo: Hey, they say it's all you can eat. Think I could eat this? (taps tablecloth)

Zilo: Well, they gave us a flat rate. As long as you don't eat ALL the tablecloths...

Revo: I kinda wonder...

Waitress: (walks up) Hi! What can I get you guys to drink?

(Drink orders placed)

Revo: Hey, can I eat this tablecloth?

Waitress: ...Uh, what?

Zilo: He wants to know if the tablecloth falls under the "all you can eat" category.

Waitress: (obviously weirded out) ...Ummm...I...guess?

Revo: Wicked. (tears off a strip of the tablecloth and eats it)

Waitress: O.O (if a person could sweatdrop, she would have at this point)

Risty: Does anyone realize how random this situation has just become?

Zilo/Rose: (raise hands)

Risty: Oh, good, I was wondering if I was the only one.

Mom: (whispers to waitress) These aren't my kids. I found them on the bus stop and brought them here out of pity.

So there you have it. The Tablecloth Story. 100 percent true, 100 percent random, 100 percent a normal part of my life. Moo.


	19. Double Trouble

Revo's Top Five Reasons For Eating The Tablecloth:

5: It was random.  
4: It was fun.  
3: I wanted to see how the waitress would react.  
2: My sis encouraged me.  
1: The tablecloth didn't taste all that bad.

(Revo bows grandly to reviewers who said something about him and exits stage left)

* * *

Zilo: Hi, **Half Human Homunculi**! I'm glad you thought it was funny! You should have seen what happened afterwards...  
Zoe: I'd love to tell ya, but you'll have to wait and see! You might figure it out this chapter...or you might get thrown even more!  
Ed: (blushes bright red) Can I just apologize?  
Zilo: Absolutely NOT! SERVE THE PROPER PENANCE! (shoves Ed at **HHH**)  
Ed: (even redder) You're evil, Zilo... (briefly kisses **HHH **on the cheek then makes a break for the other side of the room)

Bradley: **Phantom SunsSong **makes an excellent point.  
Zilo: We've passed that topic already.  
Risty: I hope it looks okay on me!  
Ed: ...(steps away)  
Zilo: Well, I'd love to answer all your nice guesses, but them I'd be spoiling! You'll have to wait and see!  
Zoe: It was, wasn't it?

Zilo: I hate to hear your review got munched, **UraharaFangirl**! At least it didn't stop you from trying again!  
Zoe: And taking a saw to her comp.  
Zilo: That too! Poor emotional Risty, doing such drastic things! And yet, her problems are still there!  
Risty: (a little irritated) I learned my lesson already, okay?  
Zilo: Sure, cousin. (pats Risty's head) Hopefully your review stays intact this time! Next time, I suggest a frying pan if it doesn't work out!

Risty: (shimmies down tree) Thanks, **Sally Elric**!  
Zilo: What she said! OHHH, okay! Now I know which one you were! (accepts evil muffins with joy)  
Envy: Evil muffins! I like the ones that taste like chocolate parfait. (laughs evilly)  
Zilo: I don't think I've got one of those. (laughs evilly)  
Zoe: Um, quick guess, do evil muffins make you laugh evilly?  
Zilo: A lot of people asked for it. But don't worry, I think you'll still like the outcome! Ed WILL stay in character!  
Ed: Damn it, just cut it out! It's really annoying!

Zilo: Yay! Uber-long awesome review from **agent000**! Hi! I'm serious, if you only knew what happened after Revo ate the tablecloth...he said it didn't taste all that bad, actually, which kind of creeps me out!

Wow! You read 18 chapters that fast? You're awesome...and scary! But I'm so glad you appreciate the small things...I don't usually get recognition for those, and they influence the story more than people know. Somebody noticed! Hooray!! And believe me, I am insanely happy to hear such a compliment, but I'm always open armed to constructive criticism!

Thanks for such a long review! It made my day. And no worries, another heaping helping of The Switch Glitch is being served hot and fresh right now! Enjoy!

Risty: Hi, **AdventureAddict**!  
Zilo: In a way, I love letting updates pile up. Then I have an excuse to sit at the comp for hours and hours, just reading!  
Risty: And me and Zilo like your story too! I can relate to Rebecca in a lot of ways, except some of the obvious...like I cry a lot and she doesn't, she has asthma and I don't, I--  
Zilo: Moving along. I'm so glad you updated too! Hope you got our ridiculously long review...  
Risty: --But to sum it all up, maybe Rebecca and I should swap survival tips!  
Zilo: But you suck at surviving.  
Risty: Hey!  
Envy: You BETTER care! This isn't "The Risty May Show" dammit!

Zilo: **Koinu-chan, **no problem! I'm just glad you're back!

Risty: Yay, I got a hug from **Marie blaze **and some other people!  
Zoe: And a nifty nickname to boot, Ritsy.  
Risty: Yay! "Call me Ritsy-chan!"  
Envy: (sneers) I'll save you a room, maggots.  
Zilo: AGH! (clutches head) I WANTED TO REVIEW BUT I WAS IN CLASS AND THE TEACHER CAUGHT ME AND THEN THE REVIEW FUNCTION DIDN'T WORK ON MY LAPTOP AND--  
Ed: How many excuses does she have?  
Zoe: 14. Hey, glad you guys like Zilo's other story too!  
Risty: Come out of the sad corner! Please?

Zilo: **EdwardsLover, **thanks for reviewing! And **Glogwi**, did you know that Risty May dressed up as Roze rfor the Halloween before she cut her hair? If I can EVER get the links in my profile to work, there's one with a picture of short-haired Risty. Sometimes I wish the same thing! Go figure!

* * *

Zilo: NOTICE! NOTICE! NOTICE! We hit 200 reviews! Woo! And I changed my penname! "Call me Zilo Sugarpill!"

Ed: ...We still don't care.

Zilo: SILENCE FALL UPON YOU!!

Zoe: Can we move on, now?

* * *

****

CHAPTER NINETEEN  
AKA "Double Trouble"  
AKA "Don't Hide Without A Plan"

After the picnic, Risty May and Izumi spent the day sparring, talking, and taking trips around Dublith. Risty May, wearing her fake glasses again, thoroughly enjoyed the walks, and when they got home, she even helped Izumi and Sig in their butcher shop. She was a big ball of energy, energy which she expended sparring with Izumi. Even on her birthday, neither one of them felt a need to exclude sparring.

"Best eight out of seventeen!" Risty May begged, getting to her feet and brushing dirt off her back.

"That's eight out of _fifteen_," Izumi corrected.

"Um, that too!"

Izumi shook her head and smiled. "All right, but this is it. There's no need for you to sport a multitude of bandages and bruises on your birthday."

"I don't mind!" Risty May said cheerfully.

Izumi smiled and motioned for Risty May to come on over.

Risty May took a deep breath, threw a couple of practice punches, then dropped into her fighting stance. "Here I come!" She dashed towards Izumi, one fist raised. She threw a punch at Izumi, who dodged and knocked the fist aside with her arm. Risty May followed up with a quick punch-kick succession, and Izumi caught the fist and dodged the foot. She yanked Risty May off her feet and tossed her into the air.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Risty May yelled as she sailed through the sky. She saw the ground rushing up to meet her and put her feet down. She managed to land in a crouch, but her momentum knocked her over, digging her nose into the dirt.

The sound of footsteps approaching reached Risty May's ears, and she quickly got up and turned to face Izumi, wiping off her face. She ran forward again and tried to roundhouse kick Izumi. Izumi, however, dodged the kick and threw a quick succession of punches. Risty May barely dodged them, a couple glancing off her face or arms, and she blocked frantically with both fists. Izumi reared back with what looked to be a killer punch, and Risty May held up both arms to block, legs tensed to roll away if need be.

Izumi's fist came sailing towards Risty May, lightning quick. Risty May's body tensed, anticipating pain. Maybe she could catch it? Dodge it? Not be pummeled into the ground?

A split second before her face would have been smacked backwards, Izumi froze. Risty May was already in the process of reeling back to avoid the hit, but her eyes were locked on Izumi as the older woman suddenly covered her mouth and coughed violently. Drops of blood sprayed between her fingers, a few falling on Risty May as she fell to the ground, landing hard on her seat.

Izumi fell to her knees, blood seeping through her fingers, as she coughed into them. It sounded ten times worse than any smoker's cough, and for a moment, Risty May was paralyzed with fear. When she finally got her senses back, the first thing she did was scream.

"MISS IZUMI!"

Risty May leaped to her feet and reached out to Izumi, who now had both hands planted on the ground to support her. Blood spilled from her mouth as she continued to cough, harder and harder. Risty May tried to help her stand, but Izumi's body was heaving too horribly to move.

"I'll-I'll b-be back!" Risty May babbled, turning and sprinting for the back door. She burst through and ran headlong for the butcher shop, praying Sig was still there. She crashed through the door like the room behind her was on fire, and Sig was fortunately still in the shop, sharpening a large cleaver.

"MR. SIG!" Risty May cried.

Sig looked up at her frantic voice, almost risen to an octave that only dogs could hear. He saw the spots of blood on her shirt, the wild, frightened look in her eyes, the shaking hand pointing towards the backyard, and stabbed the cleaver into the counter. He was through the door like a shot, Risty May right behind him.

He burst out of the back door like a raging bull. Izumi was still where Risty May had left her. Sig sped over to his wife, scooped her up in his arms, and ran back into the house. Risty May, just inside the back door, wanted to follow, but her legs wouldn't let her. Her hands, clasped together, were held to her chest, and she slowly sank to her knees. Sure, she had seen Izumi cough up blood several times on the series, but here it was different. Here it was more real. Izumi was real. Her pain was real. And the absolute terror of the situation was entirely real, and refused to let Risty May move.

So she stayed where she was, shaking, tears in her eyes, wishing her mother was there.

* * *

After some time, what might have been minutes, hours, or days, Sig came back for Risty May. She, like Izumi, hadn't moved an inch, so Sig squatted down next to her. "Izumi's fine," he said as a way of announcing his presence.

Risty May's eyes snapped to him. "She is?" she exclaimed, still sounding panicked.

Sig nodded. "This happens often. You shouldn't get so flustered."

"I-I know, but-but..." Risty May gave up and stood unsteadily to her feet. "Is she in her room? Can I see her?"

Sig nodded. Risty May somehow managed to stay on her feet, and made her way to Izumi and Sig's room with halting steps. When she finally got there, she nearly collapsed from exhaustion, her former energy spent from the shock. She tentatively knocked on the door.

"_Come in,_" Izumi said on the other side, sounding perfectly fine.

Risty May pushed open the door and stepped in timidly, as if she expected an anvil to fall on her head. Izumi was in bed, reading a book. A bottle of pills was on the night table at her side. She looked up and saw Risty May. "You look like you've seen a ghost," she commented mildly.

"You're okay," Risty May breathed. She made it over to the bedside in a few quick steps and knelt down, not trusting her legs to hold her up.

Izumi nodded and put her book down. "I'm sorry if I scared you," she said. "It's an unfortunate illness--"

Risty May nodded quickly. "I know, but, I just, well, I've never really seen it like that. I mean, I've seen it, but not in person like that, and, I don't know, I just thought you were going to die or something, I mean, I just..." She sighed in frustration and rested her chin on her crossed arms.

Izumi nodded slowly and looked towards the window. "Then I suppose you know why I'm like this?"

"Yes ma'am."

Here Izumi sighed and turned to Risty May. "Just tell me you won't be that foolish."

"Oh, no ma'am!" Risty May said hastily. "I'd never have enough skill, plus there's nobody I'd want to bring back, and I know what the consequences are. I'd never ever do that, never!"

"Good," Izumi said. "At least one of my students understands that."

Risty May stayed where she was a bit, watching Izumi watch the window. Suddenly Izumi turned to her. "By the way," she said, reaching over her other side for something, "I assumed you'd actually want a present for your birthday." She produced a small, plain box.

"Oh, Miss Izumi! Really?" Risty May's eyes sparkled as she took the box. She lifted the lid reverently, and saw something sparkle inside. Reaching into the box, she felt something cold and metal under her fingers and pulled it out.

It was a necklace. A slender silver chain twirled slightly in Risty May's grasp. Dangling off the end was a small silver oval with a flamel engraved into it on one side, and RM engraved on the other. "Ohhh..." Risty May breathed, watching the oval slowly spin. "Miss Izumi, it's so beautiful! Did you make it with alchemy?"

Izumi nodded.

"I love it! Thank you so much!" Risty May undid the clasp and put the necklace on, settling it on her throat. It fit almost perfectly. "I'll treasure it forever!"

"You'd better," Izumi said sternly, and then her face split into a smile.

* * *

That night, after everyone had gone to bed, Risty May was still up. She still had her pendant on, and she held the oval in her palm to gaze at it. It was so nice. She had already thanked Izumi at least ten times for it. Now, when she found a way home, she'd have something tangible to remember Izumi by.

With a sigh, Risty May lay back down. All in all, it hadn't been too bad of a birthday. Besides that horrible scare with Izumi, she had had a pretty good time. She wished Izumi could meet her mother. She bet the two of them would hit it off so well.

__

Mom...I miss you. But don't worry, I'm coming home. I feel like I'm one step closer to finding the answer. Just wait for me, okay?

Thinking of going home made her think of Zoe. Risty May was 15 now. Maybe she needed to take the initiative and patch things up between them. And besides, Ed and the others might be worried about her. It had been almost four days since they had seen her, right?

With that in mind, Risty May got up and left her room. She went to the phone in the hall and dialed the partially familiar number, hoping that everyone hadn't gone home already.

The phone rang a few times before it was picked up. "_Central Military Headquarters,_" a tired voice said.

Risty May cleared her throat and then put the receiver to her ear. "Yes, is Edward Elric there?" she said.

"_One moment,_" the tired person sighed. There was a noise, like the phone had been put down, then silence, and then a click and more silence. Risty May waited as patiently as she stood, listening for someone picking up the phone. For a moment she thought she heard breathing, but the line was silent.

A thought jumped out at her. Didn't Fuhrer Bradley have the lines tapped or something? It was the reason Hughes had done all that outside line stuff. If he or whoever monitored the phones for him heard her, they might be able to trace her to Izumi's house, and then...

She swallowed. What would she do? Was there any way to get the conversation to an untraceable line?

Finally a voice came on. "_Hold for Major Elric, please,_" a not-as-tired person said. Risty May swallowed, her mind racing a mile a minute. There was the sound of distant conversation on the phone, and then the all-too-familiar voice came on. "_Hello?_" Ed said.

Risty May swallowed hard. Dare she identify herself? What if someone was listening in on this very conversation? "Call the woman that scares you the most on an outside line!" she blurted, before abruptly hanging up.

Silence. Risty May stared at the phone for a long while. Had she done the right thing? What if Ed had assumed it was a prank call or something? She felt the urge to smack herself in the forehead. Who was she kidding? The Fuhrer probably wasn't listening in to every call. And maybe he wasn't even sweating her. Maybe they had just wanted to scare her away, and they had done that, right? What if she was overreacting about nothing?

Risty May watched the phone, but it didn't ring. As the time passed and the phone remained silent, she felt dumber and dumber. She had to be overreacting. They probably didn't care what she was doing. And Ed might be annoyed enough about the crazy message she had left to just ignore it and go on about his business. Seriously, who was she kidding? This had been a very airheaded move.

With a heavy sigh, Risty May turned around and walked back to her room. She pushed the door closed, and the phone started to ring. Risty May flung her door back open, raced to the phone, and snatched up the receiver. "Hello?"

"_So what made you decide on an outside line?_"

It was Ed. And he knew it was her. "Oh, well," Risty May fumbled, "I thought...um, it'd be safer, I guess."

Ed let out a breath of air. "_So you're with Teacher? Why didn't you tell anyone where you went? You know that the Fuhrer's got troops out looking for you, right?_"

Risty May's blood ran cold. "He...he does?" she squeaked. So she had been right to be cautious!

"_What happened?_" Ed asked.

"It was Envy," Risty May rushed out. "He impersonated the Fuhrer's son to try and kidnap me, I think."

"_What?!_" Ed exclaimed.

"I just barely got away from him," Risty May went on, gripping the receiver tightly in both hands. "Then I packed up my stuff as fast as I could and took a train to Miss Izumi's with the last of the money you gave me. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I didn't want Envy tracking me down."

Ed heaved a sigh. "_Well, I guess that explains it. The Fuhrer doesn't know you were attacked by a Homunculus; he just knows that you abandoned his son when you were supposed to be babysitting._"

Risty May almost snorted at that. Like fun, Fuhrer Bradley didn't know. "Ed, I can't come back," she said. "Envy's still out there, and I can't risk him finding me." Plus, Bradley would probably hand her right over to Envy or Dante the first chance he got, but she didn't say that. "I have to hang out here until I can finish figuring out a way home. Please don't tell anybody where I am."

"_Risty May, I don't have much of a choice._" Ed sounded exasperated.

"I know it's your duty to the military or whatever, but please?" Risty May begged. "I'm serious--it means my life. Right now, Envy doesn't know where I am." And neither did Bradley.

"_You can't hide forever._"

"I know, but--" Risty May broke off and bit her lip.

"_Look, I'll talk to the colonel. Maybe he can work something out._"

"He won't tell, will he?"

Ed was silent for a brief moment, as if considering. "_If it comes right down to that, I don't think he will. But you can't just run away from it. You've got to face this down._"

_Like you would,_ Risty May thought. "Okay. Just...give me a couple more days. Please?"

"_Like I said, I'll see what I can do. Zoe's worried about you, you know._"

Risty May fell silent. Was she really? She had assumed Zoe would still be angry.

"_Listen, I've gotta go. I'll call you tomorrow, all right?_"

"Okay." Risty May hung up the phone with both hands and looked down at it. What a mess. But at least, Zoe wasn't mad at her anymore, right? It was a good thing Ed had been at Headquarters after all, otherwise she might not be wise to what was happening.

But how had she known he would be there?

"It was just a lucky guess," Risty May said aloud. "That had to be it. What else could it be?"

* * *

The next morning, Risty May woke up and was surprised that her hair was so short. She had to remind herself what had happened, and even then, she spent a couple of minutes feeling her hair, shaking it, and lifting it up to let it fall. The drastic difference was still so strange to her.

She showered, combed out her hair, and dressed in a long-sleeved white shirt and black leggings under a short-sleeved navy dress. Today she planned to check out some of the bookstores and see if there were any more books on alchemy. If that didn't work, she'd raid Izumi's library again and try and work something out on her own.

Risty May took the box out of her dresser drawer and opened it. She took out the silver necklace and put it on with the flamel facing out. Catching her reflection in the mirror, she smiled and left her room.

Izumi was just exiting the butcher shop when Risty May arrived. "Good morning," Izumi greeted, carrying a small mallet and a gigantic knife.

"Um, good morning," Risty May said meekly, subdued at the sight of the weapons.

"There's someone out front who wants to speak with you," Izumi went on.

"To me?" Risty May repeated, confused. She didn't know anyone around here, besides Izumi and Sig and Mason. But she obediently went through the butcher shop and outside, where someone was indeed standing outside waiting. She froze at the step.

Zoe, dressed in a pink sleeveless hoodie, dark blue jeans, and high-heeled sandals, turned from where she had been idly watching the street and saw that Risty May had come outside. She started to speak, then stopped, her eyes taking in Risty May's hair. She stared for a few moments, shocked speechless.

Risty May silently walked down the steps and over to Zoe, stopping a couple of feet away.

"Your hair," Zoe said dumbly.

"I cut it," Risty May supplied.

Zoe nodded. "But...why?"

"I wanted to."

"You look so...different," Zoe said.

"That was the point," Risty May replied.

Zoe seemed nervous. "Um...it looks good on you, though."

"Thanks."

They lapsed into silence again, both of them mentally running over the fight again.

"Risty May, listen," Zoe finally said, looking down with an embarrassed face at her sandaled feet. "Um...I know that I was mad at you about sort of ignoring me, but...I'm sorry about the way I conveyed it. I was, uh, I shouldn't have used such strong terms."

Risty May said nothing.

"And, well," Zoe floundered, for once at a loss for words, "I just...wanted to say I'm sorry. I was upset, but I should've found a nicer way to tell you." She raised her eyes again to meet Risty's. "I shouldn't have called you a crybaby and said you'd never get better at alchemy--"

Risty May slapped her across the face.

Zoe, stunned, didn't move from where the blow had left her face, turned to the side. Her cheek started to sting, very hard actually, and it seemed Zoe didn't know what to be more shocked at--that Risty May had slapped her, or that it had actually hurt.

Finally, she regained herself enough to turn back to Risty May, whose blue eyes were brimming with tears. "You should have _never _said such mean things to me," Risty May said, voice quavering, "but I'm sorry that I drove you to that point by ignoring you. I was wrong."

"You don't need to apologize," Zoe said, wincing as she touched her cheek. "You were trying to help both of us, and I gave you flack over it. Let's just agree never to fight again, okay?"

Risty May sniffled and nodded. "Okay." She hugged Zoe, who returned the hug.

"By the way, how did you get here so quickly?" Risty May asked. "Ed's still in Central."

"Oh, I came without them," Zoe said. "I wasn't sure if you were here or not, so I didn't feel like dragging them along."

Rusty May's brows furrowed. "But then how did you pay for your ticket?"

"Panhandling. It's a beautiful thing," Zoe said, winking.

"Oh, Zoe," Risty May sighed.

"Anyway, enough about that. Risty, you've got to tell me what happened. The Fuhrer's got troops looking for you. He said you ditched his son and disappeared," Zoe said. "What did you do?"

"I didn't do a thing. The Fuhrer's son was never really there. It was Envy in disguise," Risty May explained. Zoe's eyes widened. "He tried to kidnap me, but I got away from him and came to Dublith."

"How'd he impersonate the Fuhrer's son without the Fuhrer noticing?" Zoe asked.

"The Fuhrer's a Homunculus, remember? He and Envy are on the same side."

Zoe blinked. "Oh. I'd forgotten. Then what were you doing babysitting his kid?"

Risty May sighed. "It was stupid, I know. But that doesn't matter now. What does is Fuhrer Bradley not catching me, or else I'm dead meat. He'll hand me off to Envy and you'll probably never see me again."

"I'll pound that gender-confused freak to a pulp before I let him touch you again," Zoe said dangerously, punching a fist into her hand as proof.

"He's really tough, Zoe. Plus he's got the other Homunculi on his side," Risty May pointed out.

"Then I'll get Napoleon and Optimus Prime to help!" Zoe declared.

Risty May raised an eyebrow. "Optimus Prime...?"

"Al. The suit of armor? Hello? He looks like a Transformer."

"Well, whatever," Risty May said, attempting not to laugh. "The point is, we can't take them on without almost definite casualties on our side. They can regenerate, remember?"

Zoe sighed. "Well, then how do we beat them? You must know."

"Yes I do, but there's no way any of us can pull it off. Trust me, Zoe; I've got to hide out until I figure out how to get us home."

"Hiding's for wimps!" Zoe said.

"Well, there's nothing else we can do!" Risty May argued. "We're not strong enough to beat them, and we can't get help from the military without spoiling the series!"

Zoe opened her mouth to retort, then stopped, and held up a hand. "We're fighting again," she pointed out.

"Already? Didn't we just make the promise?"

"Yep."

Risty May smiled and shrugged in a what-can-you-do way. "Okay. Let's go inside, and try to talk it out so everybody's happy," she suggested.

* * *

"Are you sure she's in Dublith?" Zoe asked worriedly, drumming her fingers on the table.

"For the three thousandth time, yes I'm sure," Ed said.

Al shifted in his chair, and it creaked warningly underneath him. "Brother, maybe this is a bad idea. I mean, you could get yourself and the colonel in trouble."

"It'll be fine," Ed assured him. "Risty May doesn't trust that she'll be safe from Envy in custody, with good reason. She won't come back of her own free will, and I don't blame her."

Zoe nodded. "But maybe if we can just have Risty May tell the Fuhrer about the attack, he won't want to take her into custody at all, and she can just come back."

"No, she's convinced she needs to stay in hiding. And that isn't a bad idea."

"But to hide so close to where the Homunculi took her the first time?" Zoe bit her lip. "What if it's some kind of trap?"

"As far as we know, Envy doesn't know where she is," Ed said.

Zoe crossed her arms. "Yeah, as far as we know. He could be laying in wait for her up there. Ed, we've got to convince her to come back. I'm scared with her so far away."

"She's with Teacher," Al said reassuringly. "She's the safest she could be."

Zoe didn't look convinced. "Still..."

"Look," Ed said, "I told Risty May I'd let the colonel know what's going on. For now, our best bet is to let him in on it and get his input. He should probably know what to do."

Al nodded in agreement. "The colonel will know how to approach this logically and simply," he said.

"And legally," Ed added after a moment.

"Well, I hope it works," Zoe sighed.

* * *

Zilo: If the suspense is killing you, then I suggest Suspendospense. It's a brand new medication that will sap the excitement out of any suspenseful situation, so you can wait for the outcome calmly and deadpannedly!

Roy: (deadpan) I'm so happy that I can't get excited about anything ever again.

Zilo: Side effects include nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea, tumors, strokes, loss of motor function, and possible death. Don't take this if you're pregnant, able to get pregnant, planning to get pregnant, or if the idea is just a twinkle in your eye. Do not take with any type of food or drink, and do not take it dry. Do not take it if you like to eat food, or plan to turn 30. Males and females are warned against using this product.


	20. Confessions Of A Teenage Body Swapper

Zilo: BEWARE, FOR THE TIME OF RESPONDING TO REVIEWS IS NIGH! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
Ed: ...Did she have sugar?  
Risty: Yes. One vat of frosting, twelve cookies, a 1-pound bag of Skittles, and a box of Nerds, for a start.  
Others: (sweatdrop)

Zilo: Hmmm...maybe this chapter will help, **Wandering Hitokiri**?  
Zoe: The last time you said that, it just confused them more!  
Zilo: Ah, well! It just means no one was paying attention!  
Envy: What? You think I'm SCARED of that stupid, foulmouthed brat? Please.  
Zilo: Which makes me wonder how many times Annora will kick him where it hurts when she gets here!

Risty: Zilo! **Eloquent Liar **ate some of the Suspendospense!!  
Zilo: No kidding! Look how deadpan-y she is!  
Risty: THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER!  
Zilo: You're right, which is why I'm not laughing! (slaps **EL **on the back)

Zoe: **NameGoesHere, **I can't tell you how often people mention that to me!  
Zilo: Spawn of evil?! AAAEEEEYAAAAAA! I HATE EVIL SPAWNS!  
Zoe: Do you? Once we reveal it, you'll have to let us know so we can either rejoice with you or laugh in your face! If you're right, you get to give Ed a swirly!  
Ed: Say WHAT!

Zilo: Oh, that's okay, **Houran**, I do it all the time! But at least you're back now!  
Zoe: Man, I hope they figure it out this time!  
The Envy: What?? I'm not a THING!  
Zilo: You are now! Hahaha!  
The Envy: CUT THAT OUT!

Zilo: Oh wow! Check out the awesomely long review **UraharaFangirl **left me!  
Zoe: Yay? (takes a baseball bat to Ed's head)  
Ed: OW, DAMMIT!  
Zoe: Hey, baseball bats DO work!  
Zilo: I think she meant on comps...Really? What an interesting tidbit on kitties! (sees Al hastily writing it down and sweatdrops)  
Risty: No! My necklace! (clutches necklace protectively) You're making fun of me! A lot!  
Al: What's Yaoi?  
Zilo: Uh...A TERRIBLE SPICE! It's pronounced ZO-ee, but "Zo" is her nickname.  
Envy: I might have done what now?  
Zilo: That sounds complicated!  
Envy: Pfft. That blonde brat wouldn't be able to lay a finger on me.  
Zoe: Don't want to, Palm Pilot. I'd get a stick.  
Ed: Are those, like...romantic pairings?  
Ed/Roy/Envy: (all resist the urge to hurl)  
Zilo: Um...probably none of those could take it either! Who knows? Do you have some we can experiment on? Yay for an intact review!

Risty: Did **Half Human Homunculi **have helium pumped into her veins?  
Zilo: Ah...no. She's just happy that Ed kissed her!  
Risty: (whirls on Ed) What, I don't deserve one?  
Zoe: (takes baseball bat to Ed's head...again) YOU JERK! TOYING WITH POOR RISTY MAY'S EMOTIONS!  
Winry: (takes wrench to Ed's head) ARE YOU TURNING INTO SOME SORT OF PLAYER, YOU CAD?!  
Zilo: I'm glad you noticed! Yay! Enjoy making a chimera posse! Ed, go stand under **HHH **and hold out your arms!  
Ed: (somehow still conscious) What?! But--  
Zilo: NOW, KNAVE, OR I GO ULTIMATE AUTHORESS ON YOUR ARSE!  
Ed: ... (walks under **HHH **and holds out his arms)

Zilo: NO! **Shinkutsuki**, DON'T CRY!  
Zoe: First you write a cliffie, then tell her not to be affected by it?  
Zilo: Exactly!

Zilo: Hey there, **Call-me-Lie-chan**! Aw, Suspendospense isn't THAT dangerous!  
Risty: It is so! Poor Roy had to go get his stomach pumped!  
Zilo: Meh! He's a wimp! See you later, **Lie-chan**!

Izumi: Apparently it's what every kiss begins with.  
Zilo: Hi, **Colonel Bastard**! I can only imagine what would happen if the conversation took that turn!  
Zoe: No, I just called him that to his back.  
Al: Called me what?  
Zoe: Oh, nothing, Al.  
Zilo: Really? I made you paranoid? Yay!  
Ed: You know that's a BAD thing, right?

Zilo: Hi, **Phantom SunsSong**!  
Ed: (incredulous) You don't?  
Zilo: Oh, hey, that's a good point! Guess away, then!  
Envy: You'll see. It's not as difficult as you're making it out to be.  
Zilo: (gapes and points) ENVY'S TALKING CIVILLY TO SOMEONE! IT'S EITHER A DREAM OR THE APOCALYPSE!!  
Envy: Shut up.  
Risty: Don't give up hope! It might come to you in a dream!  
Ed: (sweatdrops) Or something.

Zilo: You'd be right, **Mikol**!  
Envy: You don't know WHAT I know, stupid human.  
Zilo: Double trouble, I'd say. Hey! Did you see your 1-shot? I finally finished it!  
Zoe: Stop the shameless plugging.

Zilo: **agent000**! Welcome back! Yeah, Suspendospense should probably be taken off the market. I hear the makers bribed a few of the shadier FDA officials to get it on shelves. Who knows? (shrugs) But a few people have taken it already, so...

I noticed recently that I do have this habit of using a lot of cliffhangers. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it does make the readers come back! And now that you mention it, people always say how they hate suspense, yet they read it in droves. Go figure. I like suspense too, though cliffhangers do sometimes make me go "AGH!"

That's funny, because I love to read too. My friends call me "bookworm" and "encyclopedia" instead of Scieska, though--it might be because I used to read the thesaurus for fun, and I spend hours on Wikipedia, just looking up stuff. What kinds of books do you like to read? I usually like sci-fi, adventure, historical, and the "high school drama" types. Oh, but before I put you to sleep with my rambling, I'll cut this short. Thanks for reviewing! Have a good one!  
Ed: Strange how she sounds almost normal whenever she replies to **agent**'s reviews.  
Zilo: SHUT UP! I CAN HEAR YOU!

Risty: Oh, if only I could, **The Violent Tomboy**! I'd probably be relieved until after I got away, and then I'd be sad because no one liked me!  
Zoe: We like you how you are, Risty May. Flaws and all.  
Risty: Really? (tears up) Th-That's so sweet...  
Izumi: FUNNY?! WHAT ABOUT MY PAIN AND SUFFERING IS FUNNY?!  
Zilo: NO! DON'T MURDER A NICE REVIEWER!  
Izumi: (calms down) I don't want to hear about this EVER AGAIN.

Zilo: (looks up and down review) **Marie blaze **and company sure can talk, huh?  
Risty: Zilo! That's rude!  
Zilo: I don't hate it! I swear! In fact, I've left a review! I SWEAR I DON'T HATE IT! DON'T TURN YOUR BACKS ON ME!  
Risty: Oh no! The "woe is me" corner? (tears up) P-Please don't feel woe, **Marie**-san! Please?  
Zilo: Don't worry, **Marie**, I'm sure HORDES OF PEOPLE WILL DO ONE OF THOSE TWO THINGS DEARDRA MENTIONED! (glares at extended family and friends)  
Envy: I'M NOT A DAMN TREE, YOU STUPID DEAD PEOPLE! IF YOU WEREN'T ALREADY DEAD, I'D KILL YOU!  
Zilo: Temper, temper! Welp, I can't tell you who's right and who's wrong, but you'll find out!  
Risty: (openly crying) PLEASE COME OUT OF THE WOE IS ME CORNER! PLEASE!  
Zoe: Hey, we'll get Ed to kiss you if you do.  
Ed: WHAT?! STOP USING ME AS A TOOL TO MAKE GIRLS FEEL BETTER!  
Al: A KITTEN GETS ABUSED IF _WHAT_ HAPPENS?! (horrorstruck)  
Zilo: WHY IS EVERYBODY SCREAMING?!  
Roy: (bursts in, having returned from getting stomach pumped) WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?!  
Envy: WILL YOU ALL SHUT THE HELL _UP_?! JEEZ!

Zilo: What up, **Koinu-chan**?  
Risty: What? Why did she cover my ears?  
Zilo: Uuuhhh...global warming?  
Risty: Wait, Shannon! Don't leave!

Zilo: **The-Living-Shadow, EdwardsLover, **thanks for reviewing!

* * *

Zilo: Hey! We've hit the big 2-0!

Lust: You'd think we'd have found a way to escape by now.

Zilo: Nevertheless, a new chapter! Hooray!

Riza: Please enjoy.

* * *

**CHAPTER TWENTY  
AKA "Confessions Of A Teenage Body-Swapper"  
AKA "Don't Be Afraid To Admit Your Feelings"**

Zoe stared.

Izumi caught Risty May's punch and drove an elbow down on the inside of her arm. Risty May fell to the right, but managed to catch herself on her hands. She swung her legs out in a double kick, which Izumi dodged. She then jumped back to her feet and threw several rapid punches at Izumi. The older woman dodged some and blocked the rest, and after ducking under the final one, she crouched and used a sweep kick to knock Risty May off her feet.

Zoe stood up as Risty May did. "Two out of three!" Risty May exclaimed, bouncing up and down.

"Normally I'd agree, but I have a big shipment coming in today," Izumi said. "We'll have to resume after dinner."

"I'll hold you to it, Miss Izumi!" Risty May said, bouncing to a stop.

Izumi smiled. "All right." She headed back inside.

"Risty May!" Zoe exclaimed, running over. "That was _amazing_! I've never seen you do anything like that!"

Risty May grinned. "I'm still not up to par with Miss Izumi, or, say, Ed," she said, "but I'm definitely better than I used to be!"

Zoe whistled. "Man, if I knew that you just needed a haircut to turn out like this, I would've taken some scissors to your head a long time ago! What prompted the change?"

Risty May's face turned red, and she looked away. "Um...I just kind of felt like it, that's all," she mumbled.

A shrug was Zoe's response. "Okay. So, have you decided yet?"

"Yeah," Risty May stalled.

"And?"

Risty May sighed and wiped sweat from her brow. "I think that no matter where I am, eventually they'll find me. But if I could find us a way back _before _they do..."

"So you'll stay here?" Zoe summarized.

"I think so. Miss Izumi's still giving me fighting lessons, and I'm still learning alchemy. I'm pretty sure the answer is something alchemical, only because I can't think of what else it could be."

"But you can't run forever," Zoe pointed out.

"I know," Risty May answered, "and I don't plan to."

Zoe sighed. "Well, I still think it's a bad idea, but I guess you'd know better than me. You're a bigger buff."

Risty May nodded.

"All right, so what's the plan?"

"First I'd have to get better at alchemy," Risty May said. "Then I'd need to keep researching to see if anyone has tried using dimensional alchemy."

"_What_ kind?" Zoe asked.

"Dimensional. I haven't found anything yet, but the people in Amestris use alchemy to do things we wouldn't dream of back home. One of them could have tried to use alchemy to, say, contact another dimension, or travel between them, or something."

"What if no one believes in another dimension?" Zoe asked.

"There's got to be somebody who does," Risty May countered. "I know there are a select few who've got knowledge about The Gate, and there may be people who believe there's a world on the other side. I'm not sure if anyone knows about it except for one person."

Zoe's brows crinkled. "It sounds like the longest shot in the world. Who's the one person?"

"Ed's dad. Of course, I've got no clue where he is, and even if I did, I don't know if he'd help me," Risty May said.

"So then we're back to square one?"

"Yeah." Risty May sighed and seemed to deflate. "I've been reading myself batty for a month, and nothing's turned up. I can't give up, but...what if there's no way back?"

Zoe blinked. "Say _what_?"

"I'm serious." Risty May looked up at her friend. "If there was really no way for us to go home, what would we do?"

"What _could _we do?" Zoe exclaimed, throwing up her hands. "Risty May, there's got to be a way. You dragged Ed over to our world, didn't you?"

Risty May nodded. "That was because I used a chain letter."

"Hey! Maybe that's it!"

"A chain letter?" Risty May said incredulously.

"Well, yeah." Zoe sat down on the back steps, and Risty May joined her. "That's how this whole mess started--with a chain letter. You, me, and Ed used that one Psycho Girl sent you to go world-hopping."

Risty May put her chin in her hand. "...It sounds like it makes sense," she finally said, "but where does that leave us? There's no way to get that chain letter from here. We're still stuck."

"Unless your mom uses it!" Zoe brightened. "Maybe she'll get wise to the idea and use the chain letter!"

Risty May brightened also, but then sobered. "Yes, but the chain letter was mainly for sending people here. The only way Ed was sent to my world was because it backfired from my misusing it, and even then, he was stuck in my body. How could Mom figure out a way to make it bring us both back without any disastrous side effects?"

"Um...I don't know that," Zoe admitted, propping her elbows on her legs and resting her chin in her hands.

"It seems like the odds are kinda against us, Zoe."

"I know what you mean."

They sat silently side by side for a few moments, watching clouds move slowly across the sky.

"You really think we're stuck here, Risty May?"

Risty May heaved a sigh. "Honestly...I don't know. I don't want to give up, but I'm not sure what to do now. Even if someone _did _write about traveling between dimensions using alchemy, I'd probably need skills like Ed's to use it right without, like, turning us into triangle-shaped fragments or landing us in a whole other world entirely."

"Hmm." Zoe squinted at a cloud shaped like an asparagus. "So, hypothetically, if we _were _stuck here, what would you do?"

"Um...I guess get a job and try to find someplace to live." Risty May cracked a weak smile. "Maybe I'd join the military and be a secretary or something."

Zoe snorted. "And wear those God-awful uniforms? I'd pass."

"Or maybe I'd...maybe I'd help Ed out."

Zoe glanced over. "Hm?"

Risty May was watching the sky, hands folded in her lap. "I mean, I know he's busy a lot, and has to travel, but it probably wouldn't hurt to see a friendly face whenever he comes back. I mean, besides all the people in the military..."

Zoe raised a brow but said nothing, letting Risty May think aloud.

"And him and Al are the people I know the best in Amestris, so it would make sense for both of us. And...if worse came to worse, maybe I could help him with other stuff. Like, well, maybe just give him helpful hints in the right direction, to kind of avoid some of the tragedies in the series."

Zoe's mouth fell open. "You'd _spoil_ for him?" she exclaimed, adding emphasis to Risty May's own term.

"Well not really spoil, but you know, just be a helpful guide, maybe." Risty May's eyes were watching a cloud that was shaped like a small palm tree. "He'd probably be really grateful."

Zoe knocked on Risty May's head. "Are you hearing yourself, Risty May?"

Suddenly, Risty May blinked and looked at Zoe, as if waking up from a trance. "Whah? Huh?" Her face turned a brilliant red. "I didn't...um, I didn't say all that out loud, did I?"

"Every freaking word," Zoe said, a teasing grin spreading across her face. "You _like _Ed, don't you?"

"No! No!" Risty May exclaimed. "That's silly, Zoe! He's a fictional character! And it wouldn't be right! And I won't be here forever! And he's got Winry! And it wouldn't be right! And I'm too young! And it wouldn't be right! And--"

"Okay, I got it," Zoe said with a laugh.

Risty May's head lowered as her face got as red as it possibly could. "Don't be silly, Zoe," she mumbled into her chest, squeezing the life out of her fingers. "I don't like Ed."

"Yes you do."

"Nuh uh!" Risty May sprang to her feet. "He's a fictional character! And it wouldn't be right! And I won't be--"

Zoe stood up also and covered Risty May's mouth with a hand. "Please, don't recite the list again," she said. "And if you can't tell your best friend, who can you tell, right?"

Risty May removed Zoe's hand and sighed, looking down. "Is it...like, obvious?"

"It is now."

"Okay, well, so maybe I do. Like Ed. A little." Risty May pushed her hair behind her ears. "But, I mean, he's really cute, isn't he?"

Zoe shrugged. "Yeah, in his own midget kind of way."

"Zoe!" Risty May stamped a foot. "I'm trying to be serious here!"

"Okay, okay, sorry." Zoe held her hands up in surrender. "Go ahead."

Risty May nodded. "Well...I guess I kind of am crushing on him, a little bit, maybe, kind of. But we have spent a lot of time together the past few of weeks, what with the alchemy lessons and everything. And I liked his character even before this whole mess started. And Ed's just so strong. He's just so, you know, determined, and tough and smart and brave, and he's always got a plan. And I liked him a lot before. Now that we're on an even plane..."

"It's almost impossible to not have a crush," Zoe guessed.

Risty May nodded, looking embarrassed. "Yeah. But, you know, I know it's wrong and everything--"

"Who said that?"

"It just is!" Risty May burst out. "I mean, even if I confessed my love--I mean, crush--to him, there's no way he feels the same! He probably just thinks of me as a friend at best, and an annoying bodysnatcher at worst. Plus he's so busy trying to find the Philosopher's Stone, he wouldn't possibly have time for any sort of relationship. And if he _did _find the time, the logical choice would be Winry, not me. She's obviously in love with him, and she deserves it better."

Zoe crossed her arms and shifted her legs, but didn't respond.

"And...and even if somehow he liked me too and we had time for a relationship, it's not possible. I don't belong here. I know that people have long-distance relationships, but the distance would be i_mpossibly _long. Plus, it's not like anything could become of it. We're two different planes of reality!"

Zoe realized that Risty May was contradicting herself a lot in this conversation. First she was making plans in case she was stuck here, then she was denying her feelings because it was impossible for her to be stuck here. First they were on the same plane, then they weren't.

"So, you've got this all figured out, right?" she said.

"Yes," Risty May said firmly. "I will never ever say a thing about it to him. It'll only make things a heap more complicated."

"What if he felt the same?"

"He doesn't!"

"Okay, I got that, but what if he _did_?"

Risty May opened her mouth to speak, then stopped, then opened it again, then thought better of it and crossed her arms. "I still wouldn't."

"Really?" Zoe was interested now. "How come?"

"Like I said, it would just make things more complicated. Even if we were madly in love--which he's _not_, and I'm pretty sure I'm not--we just couldn't make it work. So it's pointless to think about it."

"Aw, but he's your first crush, isn't he?" Zoe pointed out.

"Yeah. And that's what makes it worse." Tears suddenly bloomed in Risty May's eyes. "How could I be stupid enough to get a crush on a fictiona--a..." She sighed. "Well, in my head and in my heart, Amestris _isn't_ fictional anymore. But it still wouldn't work. I don't think I'd be able to make it here, Zoe. And _that's _why I've got to go home."

Zoe was surprised at this admission. Risty May doubted her ability to survive in Amestris. And they both knew Ed would never consider crossing dimensions, or The Gate, or whatever, even if he did return her feelings--which Zoe seriously doubted anyway.

"So...how long have you had all this stuff crammed in your head?"

"A while." Risty May smiled in a watery way.

Zoe sighed and put an arm around her shoulders. "Well, at least you talked it out now. Listen, I've got a b-day present for you."

"Oh, you do?" Risty May said, her eyes turning happy.

"Yep. It's in my stuff."

Izumi let out a breath as she placed the last box in Sig's waiting arms. "That's all of it," she said, wiping her forehead. "At least we'll be able to keep up when we get all those rush orders for rump roast now."

Sig nodded and grunted in affirmation. "I'll go put this in the back," he said.

Mason counted the last few boxes and made a notation on his clipboard. "That should do it then, right?" he asked.

"Right. Give Sig a hand, will you?"

"I'm on it." Mason handed her the clipboard and followed Sig to the storage area.

Izumi checked the counts Mason had made against her own, and when she had concluded that they all matched up, she put the clipboard on the counter and gave the store a once-over, checking for anything she needed to address. It looked all right, and it would be dinnertime soon. She had better get started.

She turned around to leave and saw Zoe's platinum blond head peeking around the door that led to the back. "Uh...hi," Zoe said, sounding a little nervous.

"Hello," Izumi said. "Do you need something?"

"Yeah." Zoe came around the door. "You see...Risty's in love with Ed."

Izumi raised a brow.

"And she doesn't want to tell him for a bunch of reasons, but the gist of it is she thinks it would only further complicate their lives or whatever."

"I see."

"So, she seems to look up to you; what do you think?"

Izumi considered for a moment, then reached down and brushed some dust from her knees. "I think it's her decision," she said.

Zoe seemed surprised to hear that. "Huh?"

"Does that shock you that I want Risty May to think for herself, instead of being told what to do?" Izumi asked evenly.

Sensing that she was on shaky ground, Zoe held up her hands in surrender. "No, no, of course not. It's just that when she has to make choices, she gets really wishy-washy if she's left alone on it. I thought you could point her in the right direction."

"Perhaps she's uncertain about decisions because it's never been left to her to point her_self_ in the right direction," Izumi said.

"What? Are you saying me and her family just tell her what to do all the time?" Zoe exclaimed.

Izumi suddenly reached out and grabbed Zoe by the front of her hoodie, hauling her to face level. "That's exactly what I'm saying," she said dangerously, "and please continue to speak to me in that tone if you have no more use for your front teeth."

"No, I didn't mean it like that," Zoe said hurriedly. "I'm really sorry. _REALLY _sorry."

Izumi let her shirt go. "Then understand this: I don't advise people on whether or not to pursue a romantic relationship. Now is there something else you needed?"

"No," Zoe grumbled, turning to leave.

Izumi grabbed her hood and yanked her back. "No _what_?"

"Ma'am!" Zoe squeaked.

Izumi let her go, and she made a break for the door again.

* * *

That night, Izumi was just about to get ready for bed when Risty May burst into the room, eyes sparkling. She wore her birthday present from Zoe: high-heeled sandals with pink straps. They clashed a bit with her workout clothes, but she didn't seem to mind. "I'm sorry to interrupt," she said breathlessly, holding her hands behind her back, "but I have something for you!"

"Really? What's that?" Izumi asked.

Risty May brought her hands out in front of them. Proudly displayed in them was a stone sculpture, about six inches high. "It's a kitty cat figurine!" she said, sounding overjoyed. "It's the first one that actually looks like a cat!"

Izumi walked over and examined it. It was indeed a cat, she could tell, but whether it was licking its paw or trying to tie itself into a knot, she wasn't sure. "I've been trying and trying," Risty May went on, "and I've almost got down drawing a proper circle! And then I made this little guy!"

Even in the mishmash of warped stone, Izumi saw a good deal of potential. She took the figurine. "I appreciate your efforts," she said, smiling at Risty. The 15-year-old's eyes shone with joy at the praise. "I'll put it somewhere I can look at it every day."

"Oh, I'm so happy!" Risty May exclaimed, throwing her arms around Izumi's waist. "You've done so much for me, Miss Izumi, and I appreciate it all! Thank you so much!"

Izumi patted the top of Risty May's head. "Go on and get to bed; it's late," she said.

"Yes ma'am!" Risty May practically skipped from the room. Izumi watched her go, wondering what the strange sadness she felt was about.

"Why...did that feel like a goodbye?" she wondered aloud.

* * *

The next morning, Risty May woke up and remembered that her hair was short. However, she forgot that Zoe was sleeping on her floor, and tripped over her friend on the way to the bathroom.

"AGH!" Zoe cried as Risty May fell on top of her. "OW! DAMN!"

"I'm sorry!" Risty May cried, scrambling up. She got her foot caught in the blanket Zoe was using and fell down again.

Zoe groggily sat up, rubbing her stomach. "How did you get to be so uncoordinated?" she asked.

"I'm...not sure," Risty May sighed, carefully standing.

"Well, I hope you plan on fixing it." Zoe reached out and ruffled Risty May's short hair, which was messy from a good night's sleep. "I just can't believe you actually cut your hair, Risty."

Risty May giggled. "Well, this _is _the first morning since that I woke up and wasn't surprised."

"So how come you decided on the change all of a sudden? Is this a new birthday tradition?"

Risty May's smile fell, and she looked away. Thinking of that night made her feel ashamed. She probably wouldn't have shared it with Izumi if the older woman hadn't actually caught her in the act. "I just...kinda wanted to," she said.

Zoe sensed that it was a sore topic. "Hey, you don't have to tell me, okay? I'm cool with that."

"Okay." Risty May heaved a sigh, then smiled at her friend. "Well, I'm gonna take a shower. You?"

"Nah, I showered last night."

The girls parted ways to get ready for the day. After her shower, and combing her hair so it would look presentable loose, Risty May dressed in a blue shirt with a cat-ear hood and black jeans. Zoe dressed in a red sleeveless shirt and denim shorts. They went down to the butcher shop together.

Zoe walked through the door to the shop first. She paused a step inside, sensing tension, but didn't get it until she got a good look at the occupants.

Five people in military uniforms, four men and a woman, stood at the counter. Sig was stonewalling them with his recitation of different meats and their respective prices. Zoe froze, realizing what they must be there for.

"Zo--"

Zoe backed out the door, pushing Risty May with her. "Shh!" she hissed urgently.

Risty May had a quizzical look on her face, but she stayed quiet. Zoe pulled the door so that it was only open a crack and peeked through. Fortunately, no one had seemed to notice her entrance. The military officers were staring down Sig, who ignored what they said and kept rattling off meats.

When he seemed to be finished, he merely stared them down with an intensity that would have sent lesser men running. A couple of the men looked unnerved, but they all stood their ground.

"Now that that's over," said the woman, her piercing blue eyes showing no sign of intimidation, "I'll ask you again. Where is Marista Fernandez?"

Sig said nothing.

"If you don't tell us, then we'll have to search the premises."

Risty May heard the woman, and her eyes widened in fear. Zoe straightened up and turned to her. "Let's get our stuff and sneak out," she whispered.

Swallowing, Risty May nodded, and they quietly went back upstairs.

* * *

Others: ZILO!

Ed: Are you like addicted to these stupid cliffhangers?

Zilo: Um...I can't help it?

Greed: Hey, if anyone wants to mutiny, I'll lead the charge!

Winry: Join us next time!

Zoe: If you survive the suspense.

Zilo: If not, the Suspendospense is still here...


	21. Don't Get Arrested Without A Plan

Zilo: Well, I'm not having the responses this time, because somebody complained.

FMA Characters: Phew!

Zilo: SHUT UP! However, I like them, so I'd like to know: what do you think? Should I keep the responses as is? Keep them but shorten them? Or scrap them all together? Your voice is important, so don't just stand there!

Risty: But please know that we read and appreciated each and every one.

Zilo: Especially the funny ones, or the ones where someone got hurt!

Roy: Well...blowing Envy up while he was sealed in a barrel of gasoline WAS pretty fun.

Zoe: And so was watching Napoleon try to fend off a make-out session.

Zilo: But anyway! Here's the next chapter!

* * *

**CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE  
AKA "Caught!"  
AKA "Don't Get Arrested Without A Plan"**

"This is bad," Risty May said once they were safely inside. "How did they get here so fast? Who told them? It couldn't be Ed."

Zoe determinedly helped Risty May pack. "It doesn't matter now. What does is getting out of here. You know this world, Risty; where do we go?"

"Um..." Risty May looked uncertain. "I-I guess we could go to Risembool. Ed's automail mechanic Winry lives there. She might help us."

"Risembool it is." Zoe zipped her backpack up. It held the essentials and a couple of changes of clothes. Risty May's suitcase held the same. "Let's do this."

Risty May gulped. "Okay."

Zoe gave her a one-armed hug. "It'll be okay. We'll just sneak out, make a break for the station, or, if that doesn't work, hitchhike."

Risty May looked down and nodded. They left the room together, planning to sneak out the back door, cut across the backyard, and run.

When they reached the back door, Zoe opened it a crack and peeked out. She saw no one, so she opened the door wider and stepped out. Risty May followed, nervously clutching the suitcase in both hands. They started across the backyard, and Risty May let go of the suitcase handle with one hand to clutch the necklace around her neck. She tried to gather Izumi's strength from her birthday present.

"Halt!"

Both girls froze. Zoe swore under her breath. Risty May could feel her hands trembling, and forced them to be still.

"Put your belongings down and put your hands in the air!"

Risty May looked over her shoulder and saw a military officer standing at the junction between the back and side yards, his gun leveled at them. Slowly, she set her suitcase down and raised her hands over her head. A glance out of the corner of her eye revealed that Zoe had done the same, fists clenched in anger.

The officer slowly made his way over to them, gun still pointed in their direction. "You're Marista Fernandez, aren't you?" he said.

"Who?" Zoe demanded, sounding indignant. Risty May was too frozen to speak. "I don't know who this 'Marista' is, but that's not this girl!"

The officer held out a picture, and Risty May's heart dropped to her shoes. It looked like one of the ones where she was posing with Zoe, but Zoe had been cropped out, with only her arm around Risty May's shoulder. "So you're trying to tell me these two girls aren't the same?" the officer said.

Even Zoe was unnerved. "Well...no, I don't think so. Let me see that picture; I don't think it looks alike!"

Obviously a bit frustrated, the officer held the picture about an inch from Zoe's nose. "Look familiar now?" he challenged.

However, Zoe didn't really think that it was two separate girls. She only wanted the officer close and off-guard. With one quick move, she had used an upward kick to knock the officer's gun out of his hand. He reeled back with a shout, and Zoe drove an elbow into his stomach.

When the guard doubled over, Zoe grabbed Risty's arm, and the two raced for the street. They had made it about halfway when a car came flying down the street and screeched to a halt in front of them. Two officers got out, with guns, ordering the girls to stop. Zoe let go of Risty May and clenched her fists, prepared to fight.

Risty May, however, had had a backup plan. When getting ready to sneak out, she had drawn her best circles on her palms, in case anything went wrong. She now clapped her hands and slammed them onto the ground. There was a loud _BOOM, _and a huge dust cloud engulfed the immediate area.

Unfortunately, now Risty May couldn't see Zoe. Holding her sleeve over her mouth to keep the dust out, she tried continuing in the direction she had been facing, hearing coughs and shouts all around her. She just caught a glimpse of Zoe's hair through the dust cloud when a firm hand clasped around her arm. Risty May let out a squeal and tried to break free, but her other arm was grabbed, and soon both were twisted painfully behind her back.

Zoe had heard the squeal and turned back. Risty could now see, through the slowly clearing cloud, that the officers were recovering and beginning to surround them. If they were both caught, there was no hope. "Run!" she cried. "Run away!"

"Hell no!" Zoe exclaimed.

"I _mean _it!" Risty May yelled in her firmest voice. "Go get help! Talk to E--talk to Napoleon!"

Zoe paused.

"Don't move!" the officer restraining Risty May yelled at Zoe.

"You can't help if they catch you!" Risty May said urgently.

Even through the dust, Risty May could see the pain on Zoe's face before she turned and ran. She used a few moves to get past two of the guards and escape.

"Find her!" one of the officers yelled.

"Call for backup!" another said.

The dust took almost five minutes to clear. Risty May's arms were starting to ache, but she didn't struggle. She saw that the officers weren't having much luck in finding Zoe, and with relief realized her friend must have escaped.

Finally, the officers seemed to give up. The woman who had been questioning Sig arrived on the scene with two more officers. Her blue eyes appraised Risty May. "This is her?" she said.

"Yes, Major Ferson," the officer restraining Risty May said.

The woman, or Major Ferson, strode over, scowling at Risty May. "You're wanted for questioning by the Fuhrer King Bradley," she announced, "and now you're charged with fleeing, and resisting arrest."

Risty May swallowed hard. Somehow, in the midst of this turmoil, she still found the tiny inklings of a plan forming. A really dumb plan, but a plan nonetheless. How did his keep happening to her?

The back door opened, and there stood Izumi, just back from the post office. Fury was etched on her face, and she took a step forward, her hands one second away from clapping.

"Miss Izumi, wait!" Risty May exclaimed. "Don't do anything!"

Izumi looked surprised at this.

"Please, I'll be fine, I promise," Risty May begged, seeing that most of the officers now had guns trained on Izumi "You don't need the military against you. Don't hurt them, please."

Izumi glared at each officer in turn, then seemed to shift back a bit. "You had better be right," she said dangerously, though her anger wasn't directed at Risty May.

"I will. Thank you. And I'm sorry if they destroyed any property," Risty May said. She smiled bravely at her teacher.

"Let's move," Major Ferson barked.

Izumi glared at the woman. She still seemed poised to jump into action. Risty May held Izumi's gaze as her arms were released from the painful hold, and a rope was tied around her wrists. She tried to convey how she felt into her eyes: _Thank you for everything, Miss Izumi_.

* * *

Zoe wanted to hit herself repeatedly. Why did she leave Risty May? Like her friend had said, they might never see each other again, if the Homunculi were so desperate to do whatever it was with Risty. But she had to trust that Risty May was using her expertise with this world to formulate a plan.

Whether she was or wasn't, Zoe had to talk to Ed and Al and get on the first safe train back to Central. She waited until the military personnel had taken Risty May away, having to tamp down every instinct that screamed at her to perform a rescue operation, and then took a circular route back to the Curtis household.

Izumi was still out on the back doorway, her gaze turned in the direction the military had gone. Zoe was still afraid of the violent woman, but this was no time to let her fear get the best of her. She approached, and Izumi must have heard her footsteps, for her head whipped around, a fierce look on her face.

"Tell me she's got some kind of a plan," Zoe begged.

Izumi heaved a sigh, and unclenched her fists, which had been poised to pummel the entire time. "She does," she said. "I don't know what possessed me to let her go, though. Perhaps it was the look in her eyes, what she was trying to tell me without words."

Zoe was still afraid. "I know she's the expert on this place and everything, but she said herself it was dangerous to get caught. What on _earth _can she have in mind?"

"I don't know, but if it doesn't work, I will kick her ass after I finish demolishing the Central Headquarters," Izumi said dangerously.

"She told me to talk to Ed. He must be a part of the plan--but what can he do that you couldn't? I'm confused, and I'm beginning to think I should've let myself get caught with her," Zoe sighed.

"Well, it's too late now," Izumi said, turning and striding into the house. Zoe followed. "You had better call Edward and tell him what's going on."

Zoe nodded. "Right." She pressed her lips together, then smacked her forehead. "Damn! I don't know the number to Central Headquarters!"

Izumi glanced back at her. "Then you'd better have a plan B," she said.

"I might. What's the number for the operator?"

* * *

Edward knew something was wrong the moment Zoe vanished off the face of the earth. He asked Al about her, but Al had no idea where she had gone to. They waited around at Headquarters' entrance for a few minutes, waiting for her, but when she didn't show, Ed decided to go ahead and head up to Roy's office.

"We can't waste time," he said, striding determinedly through the doors. "Risty May's counting on us, and Zoe's flakiness can't delay us now."

"Maybe she's just out looking for her again," Al guessed.

"Maybe. Who knows? Let's go."

When they made it to Roy's office, he was on the phone, and he looked grim. He motioned Ed and Al up to the desk with a hand as he continued to listen to whomever was on the phone. "Now how long ago did they leave? ...About an hour. Hmmm."

"What's going on?" Ed asked.

"It's Risty May's friend on the phone," Riza supplied. "She's calling from Dublith to say that Risty May has been taken into custody."

The first shock was hearing that Zoe was in Dublith, when Ed had just spoken to her last night. The second shock was that Risty May had been arrested. "What?! But how?" Ed exclaimed, mostly to both statements.

"But Dublith is two days away," Alphonse said. "Zoe was just here last night!"

"How did they find her so fast?" Ed yelled.

Riza shrugged.

"Let me talk to her!" Ed demanded, snatching the phone from Roy's hand. Roy opened his mouth to protest, but Ed cut him off. "What happened?!" he demanded of Zoe.

"_The military came and carted Risty off_!" Zoe yelled back just as loudly.

"Dammit!" Ed exclaimed. "How did they figure out where she was?"

"_I have no clue. She said she didn't tell anyone but you. Somehow someone must have found out._"

"I didn't tell anyone but Al and you--and speaking of which, how long have you been in Dublith?"

"_What? A day or so, why_?"

Ed froze. A _day_ or so? Then that could only mean the Zoe that had been with them wasn't Zoe, but instead...

"Envy."

"What?" Al, Roy, and Zoe exclaimed at once.

"Envy was impersonating Zoe for at least three days," Ed said to the room. "He must have been trying to figure out where Risty May was, then tipped the military off so they would go and arrest her."

Zoe gasped. "But why?" Al cried. "Why would he go to all this trouble?"

"I don't know, but whatever the reason, we've got to do something." Ed set his mouth in a firm line. "Zoe, you said the military officers left with Risty May an hour ago?"

"_Yeah_," Zoe answered after a moment.

"Then they probably won't get here until tomorrow morning," Roy said.

"What do we do, Brother?" Al asked worriedly.

"What else can we do? A breakout."

* * *

The curtains were drawn over the window of the private booth Risty May was sitting in. She knew there were two guards on the other side of the door. Her transmutation circles had been washed off of her hands, and there were ropes around her wrists again, though she was allowed to have her hands in front this time. She stared down at them silently, trying frantically to fix up a plan. She had managed to ward off both Zoe and Izumi with the promise of a plan--now she had to come up with one.

How long had she been on the train, she wondered absently, and how long until they got back to Central? Would they stop, like she usually did? Or would they keep going to avoid her escaping? Like that would happen. And then what? Would she be turned over to the Homunculi as soon as they got in? Or maybe just killed? The possibilities were endless, and all unappealing.

After what seemed like yet another eternity, the door opened, and in walked that woman--Major Ferson. Risty May glanced up at her for a second. The woman seemed young, maybe in her mid-twenties, and had very long black hair that was pulled into a braided bun. Something about her seemed familiar, and Risty May realized that the woman reminded her of Rose Fernandez. But she looked a little different, like she was only related to Risty May's mom.

In any case, Major Ferson sat down on the bench across from Risty May, hands clasped in her lap. Risty May noticed absently that the woman wore gloves like Ed. Ed. Would she ever see him again?

"If I'm right, I have about five minutes to talk to you before one of the 'soldiers' comes in," Major Ferson said. Something about the urgency in her tone made Risty May look up and focus on her. "So listen to me closely, all right?"

"Um...yes?" Risty May ventured.

"I know you're trying to come up with a plan to escape," Major Ferson said. Risty May's eyes widened. "And failing, I believe. Well, scrap that. Your main focus needs to be staying alive. Do whatever it takes to live, _not _to get away."

"What...are you talking about?" Risty May said in shock.

Major Ferson smiled, and Risty May realized the expression was incredibly familiar to her. "You probably won't get it until I tell you who I really am," the woman said, reaching down the top of her military uniform. She pulled out a silver necklace around her neck, then opened her palm to reveal the pendant.

The world around Risty May seemed to freeze at the moment. Her heart felt like it stopped. Dumbstruck, she stared at the silver oval with a flamel etched into it. The silver was a bit worn and tarnished, and a couple spots were scratched, but it was undeniably a duplicate of the necklace she wore at that very moment. Izumi had told Risty May that she had made it with alchemy, not bought it at a store. So how...?

Then, a terribly wild idea came into her head. It was insane, ridiculous even. But it explained the necklace, the resemblance to her mother, and the familiar sound of the voice, though it was a few octaves lower. But it was impossible. However, Major Ferson confirmed it.

"Believe it or not, Risty May," Major Ferson said, "I'm you."

* * *

Others: YOU DID IT AGAIN!

Zilo: W-Well...it just kind of happens! I don't plan it!

Zoe: More people complained about this than the responses.

Zilo: They know they like it! More later!

Lust: Twelve bucks says she's dead by the next update.

Others: You're on.


	22. Stalling The Homunculus

Zilo: Mega-apologies, everybody! Behold my hand, for it is--

Shi: Broken clean off.

Zilo: NOT! But it is injured. And it's my drawing hand too! Sadness!

Shi: So I'm typing the response up for her.

Zilo: Because of this tragedy (Shi: (snorts)) There won't be any responses this time. But they'll return in full force in our next chapter! So fear not!

Others: We weren't afraid.

**

* * *

******

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO  
AKA "Stalling The Homunculus"  
AKA "Don't Be Afraid To Chew The Fat"

"You're...me?" Risty May repeated in astonishment. "But how? Our...our names are different."

Major Ferson laughed, and Risty May saw herself in the expression. If seeing Ed in her body had been creepy, this was twice as much. "Haven't you heard of an alias?" the major said. "I got 'Ferson' from Zoe's last name, just taking out the 'gu'. To Amestris, I'm known as Major Rosa Ferson."

Risty May was still in shock. "But...how? Why? I mean, I knew it'd be hard for me to get home, if possible, but why are you here? Shouldn't you be...I don't know, ten or fifteen years in future, whichever world that's in?"

"Yes," Major Ferson said, "but I came back to prevent a couple tragedies. One of them being this." She pulled off her gloves.

Again, Risty May found herself staring. Two skillfully crafted automail hands clenched and unclenched before her eyes. "A...Automail?" she breathed.

"Yep. The left one's to the shoulder, the right one halfway past the elbow. Gluttony ate one, and Envy mangled the other beyond repair," Major Ferson said matter-of-factly.

Risty May's head jerked up. "_What_?!"

"Not so loud." Major Ferson motioned to the door. "But yeah. A result of trying to plan an escape instead of trying to survive. The Homunculi caught on, a big brawl ensued, and I lost both arms and nearly got Edward and Alphonse killed."

"Do I have to...can I avoid it?" As cool as Ed's automail was, Risty May knew it was painful to get and difficult to maintain. She would definitely prefer her own arms to stumps or automail.

Major Ferson nodded. "But this isn't the worst part. Look, I know you love Edward." Risty May blushed and started to say it was only a crush, but she was cut off. "But trying to be with him is a no-no. Eventually you will return home, hopefully not armless, and you'll start to feel so lonely without him that you'll risk trying to come back. _Don't_, do you hear me?"

Risty May sat riveted.

"When it happened..." Major Ferson sighed and looked out the window. "I had convinced Mom that I was only coming back to get automail, so it would make our lives easier. Really, I was chasing my love for Edward. I screwed up the chain letter's instructions again, and I was warped back to five years before Ed and Al were even born. Not only that, I dragged Astrid along."

"Cousin Astrid?" Risty May exclaimed. Her cousin, the same age as Zoe, was one of her online penpals. "Why?"

"A side effect of it backfiring. A whole big mess of my own making happened, and I...let's just say my stupidity cost Astrid her life."

Risty May's spine chilled.

"I lived for years with the burden of my regret. Even after I got the automail, I felt like a horrible failure. My cousin's death was on my hands, and at the end of the day, I hadn't even gotten to be with Ed. I was officially old enough to be his mom." A sad but wry smile flickered across her face. "So I ended up destroying two different lives for nothing. At one point, I even seriously considered human transmutation."

Risty May shuddered.

"I knew that I had made a terrible mistake, but when I turned 21, somehow I got back home again. I arrived in the wrong time once more, and I brought two Homunculi with me. They almost got out of hand, but I managed to find the chain letter and take us back. I don't know how they were properly reinserted to the timeline, but I ended up arriving back here four years before I first misused the chain letter and swapped bodies with Ed."

Major Ferson looked directly at her. Meeting her own eyes, in her grown-up self, was unnerving to Risty May. "I knew then what I had to do. I studied like a madwoman to learn alchemy, and then I got a job in the military. I tried out for the State Alchemy exam three times, but I didn't pass. I...did some things I'm definitely not proud of to move myself into the right position, but what mattered most was getting myself into the right place to find you. I couldn't seem to get to you at any time but right now, so here I am." She looked steadily at me. "When you get home you'll miss Ed with all your heart. But don't let those feelings overwhelm you. STAY OUT OF AMESTRIS."

Risty May swallowed and nodded.

"Now I've got to go." Major Ferson stood. "I won't talk to you anymore, but I have one last piece of advice--stall Envy however you can. I'll do the same from my end." With that, she left the booth.

* * *

For a long while, Risty May remained exactly where she was after her future self left, trying hard to make sense of the truckload of information that had been dumped on her. Apparently she was headed for a future of angst, armlessness, and time-and-dimension-hopping--unless she stalled Envy however she could and stayed out of Amestris.

So, in the end, she had been right--her crush on Ed would lead to nothing but her cousin's death and a lot of "things she wasn't proud of". Risty May felt another shudder run up her back, wondering what those things were. What had her future self done to get in the position for them to meet? Murder? Lies? Worse?

_But,_ Risty May amended,_ if I do follow her--or, my--advice, then none of it will happen. I'll keep my arms, Astrid will live, and no one will be the wiser. But what if I make a mistake? Why couldn't she give me clearer instructions? I mean, "stall Envy"? How? By discussing his sordid past? And when will I even see him to stall him?_

_Can I really prevent the automail and the death and everything?_

Her future self seemed to believe so. That was why she went to all the trouble to arrange a meeting, however quick it was. Risty May had no choice but to take Major Rosa Ferson's words to heart and do exactly that: she would find a way to stall Envy, and she would keep her butt out of Amestris when she got home.

A sudden thrill of excitement caught her. Her future self had said she was going _home_! She would actually make it! That meant no more future ambiguity! Somehow, she and Zoe would make it home. That dissolved the ball of uncertainty that had been lodged in her stomach for almost three months. Somehow, someway, she would see her mother and her home again.

But first she had to ensure that she didn't lose her arms.

Risty May was just settling onto this thought when the door opened, and another officer walked in. He had short, light brown hair, and unfriendly brown eyes. Risty May examined him as he sat across from her, trying to figure out if he was from the future as well. Maybe not, but there was something about him, the way he looked at her, how he crossed his arms and legs so fluidly...

"Envy?" Risty May ventured.

The officer broke into a crooked grin, and within seconds he had morphed into his preferred form. "So you're _not _just a dumb brat," Envy said in his usual self-assured tone.

_Stall him. That's what she--I--said. Stall him._

"So I'm not," Risty May said, her hands shifting nervously in her lap. "Um...what are you here for?"

"The train's going to be coming into Central soon," Envy said, examining his nails. "By then, you and I will be long gone."

Risty May swallowed. Whether he meant she would be gone as in "kidnapped" or "dead and stuffed into some hidden compartment", she wasn't sure, but either way, she had the idea that this was what she had to prevent. "Envy, c-can I ask you something?"

Envy looked at her, one brow raised. He seemed to evaluate her for a moment, then shrugged. "Whatever."

Risty May felt a little relief, but it was short-lived. How did you strike up a conversation with a Homunculus? "Um, what's...er, going to happen to me?"

"Before or after you outlive your usefulness?"

Risty May shuddered at the underlying message in that. "Er, well, uh...after you...take me off the train?" She took a shot in the dark, hoping that there was some reason to keep her alive. "I mean...what do you want from me?"

"Dante wants to use you, what else?" Envy said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "At first she wanted to know how you took control of someone's body without alchemy or side effects, and now she wants to know what you see in the future."

"But how did you find out about that?" Risty May asked, hoping her voice didn't betray how petrified she was.

Envy propped his elbow on his knee and rested his chin in his hand. "Come on. Such a silly question? It's the Homunculi's _job _to find out things no one else knows. You're such a blabbermouth that it was quite easy."

"No I'm not!" Risty May protested. "I only told Miss Izumi, and that was it!"

Envy waved a hand. "One person is enough," he said.

Risty May took a big breath. Envy seemed to be finished on the matter, so it could only mean he would soon be spiriting her off the train. What else could she say?

Surprisingly, Envy solved her problem. "I always wondered how you knew so much about me," he said, the smile replaced with a more serious scowl. "You knew things I had never mentioned to anyone, things I had almost forbidden myself to _think _about. Let me assure you, the only reason I haven't run you through or pushed you under the train right now is because Dante wants you."

Risty May swallowed. She wasn't surprised Envy wanted to kill her. She had pissed him off more than once. But hearing it made it only all the worse. "I'm sorry," she found herself saying.

Envy started, then scowled. "What?"

"I'm sorry I said all those things. I mean..." Risty May reached up and clasped her necklace, once again trying to draw strength from it. "Even though you're a Homunculus who likes to kill people, you've still got feelings. I shouldn't have talked about your secrets like that. It was wrong."

The look on Envy's face was so comical that Risty May almost laughed. He was still frowning, but his eyes held a combination of malice, confusion, and curiosity.

"Like, I mean," Risty May said, scrambling to keep her thoughts in order, "I don't know what it feels like to lose your dad. I've still got mine. I mean, not _here_, but waiting for me at home. And, you know, your mom's all, 'Envy, go kill this guy and impersonate this girl and slaughter this group' and not expending the motherly love, you know?"

"...What the hell are you talking about?" Envy said, sounding completely thrown.

"I'm sorry, I'm not saying it right," Risty May said. "What I'm trying to say is, I didn't take your feelings into consideration. I was just scared and mad, you know, and trying to tick you off. Which I did, but..."

"You think I care?" Envy said.

Risty May nodded.

Envy shook his head. Then he looked at her. "You are insane."

"_Me_?" Risty May repeated. "I'm not insane! Just kind of sensitive and soft-spoken and I cry a lot and like to make friends and I always liked you and Ed and I just turned fifteen and my hair's short now and--"

"What?"

"Nothing!"

Envy stared at her like she had shown him her legs were made of brick. "What is the point of this?" he finally asked.

"Well, I know this probably sounds crazy, but I always liked you and thought you were cute, so I thought I'd take a stab at relating to you on some level," Risty May explained.

"...Why?"

"Because I thought it would be nice?"

Envy sat back, as if there was nothing crazier he could hear. Then, to Risty May's surprise, he chuckled. "Of all the stupidest things I've _ever _heard, that was one of the worst," he said.

"Um...you're welcome?" Risty May ventured.

Envy laughed outright at this, which made Risty May's spirits rise a little. "I don't know what I was expecting to hear you say," he said, "but it definitely wasn't any of that."

"I wasn't planning it," Risty May said truthfully, "it just kind of came out. Can I tell you something?"

Envy looked at her again, but he looked a little more receptive this time around. "What?"

"Um...well back in my dimension..." Risty May folded her hands in her lap, barely believing she was about to bring this out, but willing to do whatever it took to keep this time-wasting conversation going, "you know how I know about the future here? Well, I'm not the only one. There are a lot of us, mostly around my age, I think, and...um, well, you're kind of popular."

"Hmm?" Envy said, both brows raising.

"I'm serious," Risty May insisted. "You have an entire fanbase. There are tons of girls who adore the snarks out of you! Some guys too, I think."

Envy looked interested in this. "Even though, you know, you kill people and stuff, there are a lot of people back in my dimension who really like you." Risty May decided to leave out the large group of people who hated Envy's guts and called him everything from a plant to crossdresser to a girl.

"Let me guess. You're one of them?"

Risty May nodded. "I know it sounds like I'm sucking up, or whatever, but it's true. There are hordes of girls who would kill their neighbors to be in my position right now."

"Including you?"

"Oh no, I'm not violent."

Envy laughed again. "Says the girl who specializes in blowing things up."

Risty May was positively glowing now, though she tried not to smile too much. If she tried hard, she could imagine that this was a fanfic, and she was living an Envy fangirl's dream at the moment. If only there was some actual, humanly possible way to get Envy to fall in love with her--but she didn't like toying with people's emotions, even a Homunculi's.

"I'm getting better at alchemy," she corrected him. "Just yesterday I made a kitty cat figurine that actually _resembled_ a cat!"

"Good for you," Envy said with a sneer.

Risty May, out of a freak sense of bravery, stuck her tongue out at him.

"Ha!" Envy leaned forward again. "The last person who did that to me got to watch me play hacky-sack with their tongue."

Risty May quickly stuck hers back in her mouth. "That's gross," she commented, wrinkling her nose.

Envy shrugged.

"Envy...can I ask you something else?"

"Yeah, what?"

"Are you lonely?"

Envy looked startled at this, then he glared at Risty May. "Why do you care?"

"I don't know, I just..." Risty May looked down at her lap. "I kinda wondered. I mean, I know you've sworn to kill Hohenheim and Ed and Al and stuff, but...maybe you could be friends with Ed instead?"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And _not _in a good way," Envy growled, any traces of a good mood gone. "I'll destroy that pipsqueak and his tin can brother if it's the last thing I ever do."

"But why?" Risty May burst out. "Ed hates his dad, just like you! I mean, I kind of get being super angry at your dad, but why Ed? It's not his fault he was brought into the world, and he was abandoned just like you. You guys have more stuff in common than you have different, don't you?"

"He _looks_ like that bastard," Envy snapped. "And he wasn't turned into a monster and then brutally rejected for 400 years."

Risty May swallowed again. She was still stalling him, but now she had crossed into dangerous territory, and she wasn't sure she could go back. "So, you wouldn't..._ever_ consider--"

"Never," Envy cut her off. "Neither of them deserve it. They'll die by my hands whether they like it or not."

Risty May doubted they would like it. "Well, if it can't be them, would you ever want a friend?"

"What for?" Envy snarled, still mad. "Friends are useless."

"Friends are awesome!" Risty May argued. "They're great to tell secrets to and they build you up and they've always got your back and--"

Envy stood, his angrily flashing eyes fixed on Risty May. "You know," he said, "I was only told to bring you back _alive_. There was no mention of what condition you had to be in."

Major Rosa Ferson's automail hands flashed through her mind, and she felt an overwhelming sense of panic. She jumped up also, prepared to stall and defend her arm. "Why do you have to be violent?" she burst out. "Do you have to kill everybody who makes you mad?"

Envy grabbed Risty May around the throat and slammed her against the wall. "I don't have to explain myself to a pathetic human like you," he spat.

Risty May's head reeled from when it had collided with the wall. The stupid banter was over. Now she had to save herself, and more importantly, her arm. But she had run out of ideas. Worse, Envy had hauled back a fist to punch.

"Please don't!...I...I love you!" Risty May blurted, wondering when her mouth had gotten a will of its own.

Envy blinked, momentarily stunned. In that moment of silence, when Risty May's false declaration settled, they both heard a distinct clap from outside. Both heads turned to see a blue light flash, and then a fist made of earth came lunging at them. Envy barely had time to drop Risty May and dive backwards before the fist crashed through the window. Risty May scrambled through the raining glass, hoping it didn't cut her, and hurled herself out the window without looking. She saw the ground rushing to meet her and tucked her body into a roll, like in gymnastics.

The landing was rough, and Risty May scraped the back of her head and her neck, but she managed to roll to a stop and uncurled. The earthen fist reared back out the window, and to her surprise, it had Envy by the foot. He was just recovering and smashed the hardened dirt with both of his fists, cracking it. He yanked out his foot, but two more earthen fists formed from the ground and encircled him, pinning his arms to his sides.

Risty May stood up and stared, then turned to see who was transmuting. Her face lit up when she saw that it was Ed, and Al was hurrying towards her. Other military officers were pouring off the train and taking up arms, and Risty May saw Major Ferson among them.

"Risty May!" Al called as he came on his way towards her.

Risty May felt tears threatening when she realized that she was safe. _This _was what she was stalling for.

* * *

Zilo: All's well that continues well!

Envy: You're on my death list.

Zilo: Again?

Shi: Have a good day, everyone!

Winry: And read the Omake!

* * *

**OMAKE THEATER  
**_The Worst 4th Wall Joke In The World  
(written by: Shi)_

One fine day, Ed and Al woke up to find themselves trapped in a room with no windows or doors. A small handwritten note taped to Al's face said that they could only get away if they managed to destroy every single wall.

So, Ed clapped his hands and turned his automail into a giant hammer. He went to the first wall and pounded it into oblivion. He went to the second and third and did the same, but each time it got harder and harder.

"Just one more!" Al encouraged.

So Ed mustered up his strength and obliterated the final wall. Seat poured down his face as he stood in triumph in the rubble.

"I did it!" he said. "I broke the fourth wall!"

"So now the story can end!" Al added.


	23. Don't Stop Throwing Punches

Zilo: Before I fell off the writing cliff, so to speak, I hurt my hand. As of now my latest chapters are on a floppy disk that refuses to spit them up. And on my hardrive they're corrupted.

Envy: Ex-CYU-seees…

Zilo: Shut up. So, ever had to rewrite something you lost? That's what I'm being forced to do with my poor fic here…

Lust: Will you shut up and move on?

Zilo: YOU GUYS ARE MEAN!

Risty: You've kept the world in suspense long enough, cousin. Start the chapter!

Zilo: Kay! Responses are back full-force next time, but for today, let's get back on track!

* * *

**Previously...**

Envy stood, his angrily flashing eyes fixed on Risty May. "You know," he said, "I was only told to bring you back _alive_. There was no mention of what condition you had to be in."

Major Rosa Ferson's automail hands flashed through her mind, and she felt an overwhelming sense of panic. She jumped up also, prepared to stall and defend her arm. "Why do you have to be violent?" she burst out. "Do you have to kill everybody who makes you mad?"

Envy grabbed Risty May around the throat and slammed her against the wall. "I don't have to explain myself to a pathetic human like you," he spat.

Risty May's head reeled from when it had collided with the wall. The stupid banter was over. Now she had to save herself, and more importantly, her arm. But she had run out of ideas. Worse, Envy had hauled back a fist to punch.

"Please don't!...I...I love you!" Risty May blurted, wondering when her mouth had gotten a will of its own.

Envy blinked, momentarily stunned. In that moment of silence, when Risty May's false declaration settled, they both heard a distinct clap from outside. Both heads turned to see a blue light flash, and then a fist made of earth came lunging at them. Envy barely had time to drop Risty May and dive backwards before the fist crashed through the window. Risty May scrambled through the raining glass, hoping it didn't cut her, and hurled herself out the window without looking. She saw the ground rushing to meet her and tucked her body into a roll, like in gymnastics.

The landing was rough, and Risty May scraped the back of her head and her neck, but she managed to roll to a stop and uncurled. The earthen fist reared back out the window, and to her surprise, it had Envy by the foot. He was just recovering and smashed the hardened dirt with both of his fists, cracking it. He yanked out his foot, but two more earthen fists formed from the ground and encircled him, pinning his arms to his sides.

Risty May stood up and stared, then turned to see who was transmuting. Her face lit up when she saw that it was Ed, and Al was hurrying towards her. Other military officers were pouring off the train and taking up arms, and Risty May saw Major Ferson among them.

"Risty May!" Al called as he came on his way towards her.

Risty May felt tears threatening when she realized that she was safe. _This _was what she was stalling for.

* * *

**CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE**

**AKA "Friends?"**

**AKA "Don't Stop Throwing Punches"**

Risty May dashed to meet Al. "Al!" she cried, throwing her arms around his metal waist the second he untied her wrists. "I'm so glad it's you! I was so scared Envy was gonna mangle my arm before I could get away!"

"Are you all right?" Alphonse asked worriedly as the sound of gunshots and transmutations filled the air.

"Y-Yes, I'm okay," Risty May said, tears spilling anyway. "I didn't think I'd make it off the train. Envy was impersonating an officer...he came into my booth...it was like the train ride from _hell_ or something!"

"It's okay, Risty May," Al assured her, his hands comfortingly on her shoulders. "You're safe now."

Risty May turned around to see how Envy was faring. He was ducking and dodging most of the bullets and earthen fists. Ed was chasing after him, continually clapping his hands and making more fists out of the ground.

"How did you get here so quickly?" she asked Al.

"Zoe called us from Dublith and brought us up to speed," Al explained as they watched Ed send a shower of stone chunks raining down on Envy. "Colonel Mustang arranged for us to get a car and drive to the next stop before Central. Then he phoned ahead and told the conductor to stop the train here so more military officers could get on. Ed was the one who saw you and Envy in the car and took action first."

"So you guys _were_ coming to rescue me! I knew you would," Risty May said.

Al nodded. "Of course. You're our friend."

A feeling like a glow of happiness spread upwards from Risty May's stomach to her smiling face. Just hearing Al say such a thing filled her with so many good feelings she couldn't label that she could have burst. Whatever had happened, Risty May had made it, and with both arms intact. Envy was fast getting away from the military officers, who were giving chase. Ed was leading the chase, but Risty May couldn't see Major Ferson anywhere. She wondered where her future self had gone, and then a thought slammed down on top of her head. If she had just kept herself from losing an arm, then maybe that had altered the future enough that Major Ferson didn't exist anymore.

_Then...my future of angst, armlessness, and time-and-dimension-hopping is gone now, right?_

Al and Risty May waited until Ed came back. Some of the military officers were spreading out to search for Envy. "He got away," Ed growled, obviously pissed. "Next time I see that Homunculus it'll be a different story!"

His anger quickly dissolved, however, when Risty May launched herself at him and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I thought I might never see you again!" she cried, more tears spilling.

Ed turned red and stiffened up. "Are...you okay?" he mumbled.

"I'm fine! I'm just fine! You saved me!" Risty May sobbed.

Ed swallowed hard. "I'm...uh, I'm glad," he said, still being unnerved by the hug.

Finally Risty May let go, wiping her eyes, and he relaxed a little. Then he started. "You cut your hair!"

"Huh?" Risty May reached up and felt her short ends. "Oh, right, I did."

"Brother, don't be so rude," Al scolded. "You should have let Risty May bring it up."

"That's okay. I just felt like a change, to go along with being a year older," Risty May said.

"That's right, you've had your birthday!" Al said. "Sorry we couldn't be there."

"It's okay," Risty May said, smiling. "Saving my life is an awesome birthday present."

Ed smiled, then frowned. "Well, at least you're safe, but the Fuhrer still wants you for questioning."

Risty May's smile disappeared, and she worriedly bit her lip. In the excitement and the ordeal of stalling Envy with small talk, she had completely forgotten why she was in military custody in the first place. She had escaped Envy's clutches; now could she escape the Fuhrer's?

"What do we do?" Al wondered aloud.

"I don't know, but that mess on the train was too close a call. I-I can't let them take me in," Risty May said haltingly. She didn't know if she could small-talk her way out of Dante's clutches a second time.

Ed firmly took her hand and turned her around, causing her to blush. "Then you won't," he said, marching her off. "Come on, Al."

Al followed as Ed lead the way into the small space between the ticket booth and the bathrooms. Al was the last one in, and he nearly filled the entryway. He took off his chest plate and lifted the little curtain behind it, revealing his hollow torso.

"We'll sneak you out," Ed said to Risty May.

Risty May swallowed and nodded. With Ed's assistance, she climbed into Al's armor, letting the curtain fall behind her. She carefully positioned herself so her back was against the back of the armor, her knees pulled up to her chin. She listened as Al put his chest plate back on and secured it, leaving her in darkness.

It wasn't completely dark, though. As Risty May settled herself against the back wall—or Al's back, to be precise—she looked up and saw two half-circle-shaped spots of light above her head. She realized that it was sunlight coming in through Al's eye holes.

Inside Al's armor, there was about enough space to be comfortable if Risty May got in the fetal position. She crossed her legs carefully, trying not to bang against anything, and managed to fit. Placing her hands in her lap, she took a deep breath.

"Now just stay quiet in there, okay?" Ed said. "We'll let you out as soon as we can. For now, just tap the armor once for a yes, two times for a no, and three times if there's some emergency, like you need to use the bathroom. Got it?"

"Okay," Risty May said.

"What did I just say?"

"Oh, sorry." Risty May reached out and tapped once on Al's side.

"All right." There was a clap, and then what sounded like a mild explosion. "Let's go, Al," Ed said after the noise had died down.

"Okay." Risty May jumped at hearing Al's voice so close. Inside the armor, Al's voice wasn't as canned. In fact, it sort of sounded like his voice was coming from a point directly above her head. Risty May tilted her head back enough to see up, and saw that Alphonse's blood seal was within arm's reach above her head.

"And try to avoid moving around," Ed told Risty May.

Risty May tapped once, then shifted as quietly as she could into the most comfortable position she could find. If she was careful, she could brace her feet against Al's chest plate, which didn't cramp her legs as much. Her hands went in her lap, and she focused on breathing as quietly as possible. Al's body jarred as he started to walk, and Risty May worked to keep herself from tumbling around with each step.

"Major Elric!" a new voice said, and she cringed. "The young lady we had in custody disappeared."

"I know," Ed snapped. "She just got away from us. You'd better fan out and look for her before she gets very far."

"Yes sir!" several voices cried. Then there was the sound of several footsteps hurrying away.

"Who's the ranking officer?" Ed went on. "I want to speak with him."

Silence. Risty May wondered if Major Ferson had been the ranking officer.

"Um...this is going to sound strange, but I'm not sure," the man said.

"Neither am I," said a second man.

Ed sounded exasperated when he spoke again. "You're telling me there wasn't one? Fine, whatever. Just keep looking for your prisoner."

"Yes sir!" the men barked again. Risty May figured they were probably saluting, then heard they footsteps hurry away. They had faded completely before Ed knocked on Al's armor and said, "Comfy?"

"No," Risty May said truthfully.

Ed laughed. "Well, try, because it's a long drive back to Central. We can talk to the colonel if you want, but we shouldn't let anyone else in on this. I hear smuggling people in military custody around is still illegal. The fewer people who know, probably the better," Ed said. "Do you want to tell?"

Al didn't say anything, and Risty May realized Ed was talking to her. She considered. She didn't want to get Roy in trouble with the Fuhrer for aiding and abetting, or something like that. She tapped Al's side twice.

There was a beat of silence from Ed, and then he said, "Okay, that's fine."

* * *

Zoe rubbed her sore back as she stepped off the train the next evening. She shouldered her backpack and gripped Risty May's suitcase in one hand, and quickly hurried through the train station, looking left and right. When her eyes fell on a public phone, she hurried over to it and dropped all of her luggage at her feet.

Snatching the receiver from its hook, she put it to her ear and dialed the number to Headquarters. Battling her way through more operators than usual, Zoe was finally put on hold as one went to retrieve Ed.

Her foot tapped impatiently, and her eyes wandered as she waited for what seemed like hours. Finally there was a sound on the other end of the phone. "_Hello?_" Ed's voice said.

"It's me!" Zoe exclaimed. "Tell me you've got Risty May!"

"_I can't talk about that,_" Ed said sharply.

Zoe's blood chilled. "You…you didn't save her, did you? You let those bastards take her in? Why you little—I ought to—I KNEW she shouldn't trust you! You stupid, asshole, harebrained—"

"_Look,_" Ed snapped, "_we can discuss this later. Are you in Central?_"

"Yes I am, and the first thing I'm going to do is break Risty May out, and then I'll find you and kick your irresponsible ass to Newark!" Zoe barked. "We both trusted you, you dirty little—"

"_SHUT UP_!" Ed yelled, obviously pissed that "little" had worked its way into the conversation. "_Look,_" he said after a moment, sounding as if he were working on controlling his temper, "_Al gained some weight today. Why don't you come to Headquarters and help him work it off?_" He then abruptly hung up.

Zoe pulled the receiver from her ear and stared at it incredulously. "What? How dare he! After failing to help Risty May when she needed it, he's going to try and get me to help his brother out _now_?" she ranted. "Who CARES if the tin can gained weight! I don't give a f—"

She paused. Wait. Hadn't Risty May told her that Al was an empty armor? Now that she thought about it, she remembered that much from the series herself. How did empty armor gain weight?

After a moment's thought, Zoe quietly hung up the phone, then smacked her forehead.

* * *

Risty May was helpfully curled up behind the couch that faced the door in the Elric dorm. She had set up camp with a blanket, pillow, and a couple of alchemy books Ed had left in the room. Her shoes and socks were carefully stowed away under Ed's bed.

As usual, most of the text used enough big words and confusing sentences to make an English teacher cry, but Risty May wasn't very discouraged. Usually there were illustrations to further explain what the text described, and she focused on those and any headings under them.

There was a knock on the door. Risty May froze. She held her breath and became very, very still. The door opened, and she gripped the book tightly in her hands.

"Risty May?"

Risty May let out her breath in a big whoosh. It was only Edward. She stood up to look over the sofa and saw Ed standing in front of the closed door. "You scared me!" she said, her voice high with relief.

Ed shrugged.

"Where's Al?"

"Dunno. We need to talk." Risty May heard a click and cocked her head. Ed pulled his hands from behind his back, as if he had just secretly locked the door. He stepped forward—and changed.

Risty May's knees lost almost all their strength when Envy suddenly stood before her in a flash of white light. "Y-You…oh my God, I'm still gonna die," she groaned, putting her face in her hands.

"Shut up. Not yet." Risty May dared to peek through her fingers to see Envy scowling. "We're going to go for a walk. And then we're going to talk. And you're going to come quietly or I'll cut out your tongue and—"

"Play hacky-sack with it?" Risty May guessed, her voice turning into a squeak.

Envy smirked crookedly. "Perhaps. Now, coming quietly?"

"Er, yes sir?" Risty May swallowed. "C-Can I…grab shoes?"

"Hurry it up." Risty May instantly turned and dived under Ed's bed to retrieve her shoes. However, she misjudged a bit and ended up clocking her forehead on the wooden post at the corner. She yelped, in a subdued way, of course, and Envy snorted.

Rubbing her forehead, Risty May pulled her sneakers out from under the bed and stuffed her sockless feet into them. Then she lifted up the unfastened straps of her jumper and fastened them. Then she tucked her plain purple shirt into the jumper. Then she pulled her hair out of its two tiny ponytails and finger-combed it.

Once she had finished stalling, she gripped Izumi's necklace to absorb courage, and turned to Envy. "I'm ready," she said in a somber tone.

Envy appeared to be trying not to laugh. He strode over to the window, opened it, and looked out. Apparently satisfied, he reached behind him without looking, grabbed Risty May by the back of her jumper straps and leaped out the window. Risty May couldn't help letting out a squeak of terror, but when Envy pinned her with a glare, she clamped her mouth shut and put her hands over her face.

Without the slightest hesitation, Envy managed to climb up to the roof of Headquarters in a matter of moments, using only his feet. He didn't really take care to keep Risty May from banging into stuff, so her legs clipped a couple of windowsills on the way up.

"Ow! So, why did you bring me up here?" Risty May asked after Envy dropped her on the ground.

"We're going to have a chat," Envy said, crossing his arms and turning his back to her. "About what you said to me."

Risty May's brows furrowed. What she had said to him? She had said a lot. She'd asked a lot, said a lot, made up some stuff, gone over just about every relevant subject and then—

Her stomach dropped to her shoes. _And I said I loved him._ _Oh._ She had said it as a last-ditch effort to keep him from beating her to a pulp, and apparently it had disturbed the Homunculus so much that he had tracked her down and kidnapped her.

"Th-Then, you wanted an explanation?" Risty May ventured. At first she wanted to come clean, but she realized that would most likely only piss Envy off, and then perhaps result in her immediate death. "I was, uh—"

"You said because you knew it would surprise me," Envy suddenly cut in. Risty May couldn't tell if he was angry or not.

"No!" she quickly lied. "I mean—well, no!"

"Well, why then?" Now he sounded annoyed. "Were you stalling for time? Trying to avoid me bashing your face in?"

"I-I—well—"

Envy wheeled around, and now he did indeed look pissed. He snatched her up by the front of her shirt, turned, and hung her out over the roof. Her feet dangled in empty air. The hard ground waited several stories below. "Then why?" he hissed. "Lie to me and it'll be your last words."

"B-Because I…" Risty May swallowed and tried hard not to think of how many bones she might break if he let go. She focused on anything that wasn't the ground and Envy's face.

_What can I say to get him to pull me back?_

"If you…i-if you pull me back, th-then I'll tell you," she tried.

"How about you tell me or I drop you," Envy replied shortly.

"O-Okay…then drop me. And…and then you'll never know why." Even as she attempted to call his bluff, Risty May was terrified. She had to focus on channeling Zoe's and Izumi's courage in order to say such non-timid words.

Envy raised a brow. "You think I care that much?"

"Y-Yes I do!"

Envy glowered, and loosened his grip on Risty May's shirt. Risty May felt herself dip down a little lower and had to resist a scream. She clenched her hands together tightly, barely believing what she was doing.

A moment later, Risty May was yanked forward and tossed back onto the roof. She landed heavily, rolling a couple of times, before she was able to stop herself. She got up on her hands and knees, wiping some grit off her face. A pair of half-clad feet came into her line of vision, and she looked up with a start.

"You think you can try me?" Envy said. From where she was kneeling, he was even more intimidating.

Risty May took a big breath and got to her feet. Her head came up around his chin, so she still had to look up. "I-I don't expect you to believe me," she said, "but, if it were possible, I'd like to be friends."

As if she had just cussed him out or something, Envy's knee connected with her stomach not a second later. All the air whooshed out of Risty May's lungs, and she doubled over, coughing and clutching her stomach.

For the first time in one of their encounters, Risty May got angry. She was tired of Envy always beating people up. It seemed like violence was his answer to anything, good, bad, or indifferent. She forced herself to recover air, then leaped into one of the attacks Izumi had taught her.

She threw a punch, which Envy dodged. But she didn't stop. Risty May threw another one, which Envy also dodged, jumping away. She chased him around the roof, throwing punches and kicks.

"You think you can beat me?" Envy taunted.

"I will!" she yelled, not letting up on her assault. She continued to miss, but there were some good almost hits.

Envy finally stopped, turned, and kicked Risty May in the chest, knocking her down. She sprang up immediately and managed to catch his ankle. However, before she could perform the move in mind, she tripped and fell. Since she was holding onto Envy's leg, she managed to drag him down. Risty May then scrambled to her knees and threw herself sideways over Envy's stomach, preventing him from getting up.

"Get off me!" Envy yelled, morphing one arm into a spike. "I'll kill you!"

Risty May did nothing but turn around so she was sitting on his stomach. "Stop!" she yelled, grabbing his spike arm with both hands. "Why would you hit me after what I said?"

"I don't owe a stupid human any answers," Envy snarled, clenching his free hand into a fist and punching her. It missed the mark precisely, however, and hit her cheek.

"How come?" she asked, still yelling. "Why would having a friend make you so angry?"

"Don't try and analyze me, you stupid little—"

Risty May burst into tears.

"Would you KNOCK IT OFF?" Envy yelled irritably.

"I-I'm sorry," she said through tears, "but aren't you lonely?"

"No!" he snapped. But he did stop trying to stab her through the skull.

"I would be," she trembled, pressing her fingers against her eyes. "I mean, just killing and killing and killing and never having somebody to just hang out with."

"I have no emotions, you idiot," Envy said, sounding exasperated. He sat up abruptly, making her slide down to his lap, and propped himself up on his hands.

Risty May wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and looked up at him. He glared down at her, then heaved a huge sigh. "You're annoying," he said.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize! That's annoying!"

"I'm sorry! I mean, no I'm not!"

"Just get off me," Envy said.

"Okay, but if you ever need to…um, like, get something off your chest, you can always talk to me, okay?" Risty May said.

"Why the hell would I do that?" Envy demanded.

"I told you. I'd like to be friends."

"Just get _off_," Envy said.

Risty May obediently crawled off him, and he stood up, brushing his sides off. Without another word to her, he turned and jumped off the edge of the roof. Risty May figured that if she looked, he would be gone, like how it was in the movies.

She wiped her tears and straightened her clothes where Envy had yanked them out of shape. Somehow she had survived yet another encounter with Envy. It was truly amazing, something that could only happen if she had some serious luck on her side. That, or maybe Envy was toning down his homicidal side. Maybe.

She slowly turned, realizing she was still on the roof, and she had no way to get down. "Oh, consnark it," she sighed heavily. "What do I do now?"

* * *

Roy signed the last of the papers with a satisfied sigh. He thought he would never be finished. He turned and looked at Riza, who had been keeping a close eye on him. "See? All finished."

"I'm surprised," Riza said, examining the stack of paperwork. "They're all signed. Not a one's missing, and there aren't any mysterious ashes in your wastebasket."

"I can do my job when I want to," Roy said, sounding a little offended.

Riza smiled. "Of course, sir."

A loud thump made them both turn in surprise to the window. Roy nearly fell out of his chair when he saw Risty May hanging on the outside of the window, holding onto something higher than the window. She seemed to be barely hanging on, and was kicking her legs wildly.

Riza quickly moved to the window and swung it open. "What are you doing out there?" she demanded of Risty May as she reached out and wrapped her arms around the girl's waist. She quickly pulled Risty May's feet into the room, and Risty May let go of her handhold, falling heavily to the floor.

"Ahm…I was taking a walk?" Risty May offered sheepishly.

Roy, who had finally gotten out of his chair, extended a hand to help her up. "The last I heard, you had escaped your military escort at the station," he said grimly. "I think you and Full Metal both have some explaining to do."

* * *

**THE END**

(of the chapter, silly! More to come!)


	24. Multiple Plans

Zilo:** HELLO PLEASE READ THIS KTHNX: **If you skip all my amazingly witty A/Ns, I just wanted to catch your attention. Hello! I have unilaterally decided to EXTEND the fic—I had planned to end it in about two or three chapters, but the influence of my readers caused another plot to MAGICALLY STEP ON MY BRAIN so I decided to make you suffer through more chapters…anyway! As to plot devices, I need your input on TWO, no wait, THREE things, if you don't mind.

1: Since a couple of people mentioned it (and one cried over it) should we have EnvyxRM as well as EdxRM?

2: Would you all be interested in a sequel?

3: Should RM, in spite of her insane attempts not to spoil, somehow alter the series?

Zilo: Please do give me a yes or no on all of these! I need your input to SURVIVE! And now, since it seems a lot of you missed them…THE EXTREMELY LONG AND RANDOM WAHOO REVIEW RESPONSES!

(confetti and fireworks and other celebratory crap)

* * *

Zilo: **Colonel Bastard**, you have stuck a plot twist into my head!  
Envy: I will kill you in the most painful way possible if you DARE to—  
Zilo: Aw, shove it. You can't control me!  
Risty: O-Oh, really? (blushes) W-Well, if that would make you happy…but I'm sure Envy and I wouldn't make a good couple!  
Envy: Damn STRAIGHT!  
Zilo: But couples agree with each other, and you guys agree!  
Envy/Risty: (open mouths to protest, recognize trap, and simply gape)

Zilo: Hey there, **Suzuku90**, formerly UraharaFangirl! Yay! What a review! Wait…am I being threatened?  
Ed: Hell YES you are! (snatches pics)  
Roy : (quickly burns pics)  
Zilo: What were they? I didn't see them…  
Ed: They were, uh…  
Al: I don't get it. What "large chunk of yaoi'?  
Ed: Shut up and be glad you don't get it.  
Roy : (face turns a bunch of different colors before he contains himself) (through gritted teeth) NO…that's not why I do it.  
Zilo: Oh, they don't bug me! But they do bug these guys!  
Ed: (sarcasm) Ya think?  
Envy: Shut up. I don't have to explain my complicated existence to you, stupid human.  
Risty: I won't give up!  
Zilo: You know…I think I'll draw a picture of that! That and when RM's sitting on Envy. That'll be fun! And I promise, the wait won't be as long this time!

Al: What's a floppy disk?  
Zilo: Hi, **Houran**! It's a type of sandwich.  
Al: Well, I'm sure I've had men in my armor at some point…I just don't remember!  
Ed: (gapes)  
Al: What?  
Envy: Do you realize how dirty that sounds?

Zilo: Well, **The-Living-Shadow, **I haven't seen it, but it sounds good!  
Envy: The two events have nothing to do with each other. How would you—  
Zilo: No rudeness! Or I write you as an idiot!  
Envy: (grumbles, but shuts up)

Zilo: "Dear **Asj Johnson**, a response big enough to answer you would be about four chapters long, so forgive me. Thanks so much for reviewing every single chapter when we're this far in. What I really appreciated was your honesty. You didn't hold back any critiques, and that's exactly what any growing author(ess) needs. I loved all your reviews. You are totally awesome. Sincerely, Zilo. P.S., Envy's a totally wicked awesome character. Ed and Roy too. Consider them in your quest for a favorite. I recommend Envy."  
Zoe: You wrote a letter?  
Zilo: Yes, because someone who takes the time to do what **Asj**-chan did deserves my letter-writing skills!!  
Risty: Hmm…makes sense, in a Cousin Zilo way!

Zilo: Yay, no death threats from **agent000**!  
Envy: Meh, you're all lucky I don't kill as much as you say I do…  
Risty: I agree! I'm very lucky!  
Zilo: Yes, I shall! Thank you! Trust me, I update as quickly as I can, but I do have responsibilities outside of updating fics!

Zilo: None taken, **Namikazelil**! Thanks! **Shinkutsuki**, it's not all that cliffie-ish! Really! But I'm glad you liked!

Envy: (holding the gun)  
Zilo: TRIPLE-H! My dear **Half Human Homunculi**, I'm glad you missed us!  
Envy: It is anything BUT precious. (cocks gun)  
Ed: Agh, let go! You're dragging me to the floor!  
Envy: (delights at chance to shoot both Ed and **HHH**)  
Zilo: NO SHOOTING OF MY BELOVED REVIEWERS! Or Ed.

Roy: I don't like this "Keep Roy out of the loop" stuff.  
Zilo: Hush, Mustard. **Phantom SunsSong**! Hi! Yeah, I hated it that I had to vanish, especially when I hate others doing that! But I'm glad so many people waited patiently! And I'm also glad that my ULTERIOR MOTIVE worked on somebody! Yay!  
Zoe: Wait, I'm the one who's…wait, what?  
Envy: Hmm. Well, I can assure that I'm not the cute little squirrel.  
Zilo: I agree! Sometimes when I've had to rewrite something, it turned out better than the original, so yay! Thanks for reviewing!

Envy: That's right, **tiggeranddash**, I left Whatsherface on the roof. She can get down easily. It's not a roof on fire in a poisonous swamp. See how merciful I am? Oh, and the idiot authoress thanks you.

Zilo: **Synneofthesun, **you're welcome! We'll see if the folks want EnvyxRM, won't we now?  
Envy: (shakes head in rage)  
Risty: (shakes head in embarrassment)

Zilo: Ooh, good threat! Hi, **Marie blaze**! And Ember! And Veranda and Deardra!  
Envy: No, I didn't want to.  
Risty: Oh, thank you for agreeing! See, Envy?  
Envy: All of you, shut up.  
Zilo: Oh…that would be funny! Poor Envy, tortured by some fangirl Homunculus with a name like Melancholy or something.  
Envy: If you pitied me, you'd stop calling me "VeeVee"  
Zilo: But it's cute on you! Ah well. At least I get the fun of doing it again…I think…right?

* * *

Zilo: We've reached three awesome levels! The 300-review mark, the 100,000-word mark, and the 8,000-hit mark! All have been proudly passed! Yay! Thanks so much for sticking around so long. I have a special thank you to our dear **Colonel Bastard**, who gave this fic its first review, and is STILL here! I love you(platonically)! My special thank you is another prize fic! (**CB **will receive a summons in the mail)

Zoe: Also, if she ever learns to count, Zilo will make a thank-you of some sort to the 100th, 200th, and 300th reviewer.

Zilo: But for now, SUPER AWESOME CHAPTER TIME! YAY!

* * *

******CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR**

**AKA "Multiple Plans"**

**AKA "The Alternate Storyline"**

Zoe walked briskly to Headquarters, trying to look completely at ease and not suspicious. If Ed was talking in code all of a sudden, it meant that it was dangerous for anyone to know where Risty May was. Obviously. But did that mean that Zoe's best friend was now a fugitive?

_Joy, _she thought as she walked a little faster. The last thing she had ever thought Risty May would become was a fugitive. And here, in this crazy place, the stakes were higher.

Zoe was about ready to go beat up some people, preferably that freak Envy and all his freaky little friends, but she kept walking determinedly to Headquarters.

When finally the huge building came into view, Zoe breathed a sigh of relief. Now she would get to the bottom of this. She ignored anyone who glanced in her direction and started purposefully for the stairs.

Al was waiting for her near the top. He turned, saw her, and waved. "Zoe!" he exclaimed.

Zoe hurried up the stairs, skipping a couple. "So. What's this I hear about a weight problem?"

* * *

Ed was not in the mood to be summoned to Roy's office. He had just gone into his dorm to supply Risty May with lunch and a couple more books, only to find her gone and the window wide open. Then, when he was just starting to investigate whether she had left on her own or was kidnapped, an officer came by to tell him Roy wanted him.

_That bastard has the worst timing, _Ed fumed as he stormed his way to Roy's office. His mind was focused on Risty May's safety. What if the Homunculi had found her? Where could she be now?

As usual, when he got to Roy's door, he slammed it open without knocking. "All right, you bastard, what do you—" Ed started to rant.

He stopped short, however, when Risty May jumped up from the couch and ran to meet him. "I'm sorry!" she said the moment she was at his side. "I didn't mean to get caught, but I was just trying to climb down from the roof and my foot hit the colonel's window and—"

"Why were you on the roof?" Ed demanded.

"W-Well, it's because Envy dragged me up there, but—"

"_WHAT_?!"

"Calm down, Full Metal," Roy said from behind this desk. "And have a seat."

Ed grabbed Risty May's wrist, stomped to a couch, and plopped down, yanking her down next to him. "I can't leave you alone for one afternoon without you attracting a Homunculus?" he half-yelled at her.

"I said I'm sorry!" Risty May said, sounding a little annoyed. "It's not my fault! I was absolutely quiet!"

"I thought I just said to calm down," Roy said.

Both teenagers stopped arguing and turned to him, Ed with a frosty glare.

"It doesn't matter how she was found out; what matters not is what you plan to do next," Roy went on. "If her being smuggled into your dorm is any indication, you're trying to hide her from the military, correct?"

Ed sighed heavily, losing some of the anger. "Yeah," he said. "We didn't want Risty May taken into custody because we thought that the Homunculi could track her down more easily then."

"It looks like those precautions were for nothing," Riza commented.

"What do we do?" Risty May asked.

Roy sighed and massaged his temples. "We make you disappear. What else?"

Ed and Risty May glanced at each other, then back to him. "How?" Ed asked. "Where will she go?"

"That's your job to figure out, not mine."

Ed scowled. "I don't know all _that _many people." He fell silent in thought for a moment, hands clasped into fists which he rested on his knees. His vision strayed to his right hand, and then his brows raised sharply. He looked up at Risty May.

"I think I know," he said to her.

* * *

**ZiloTheStrange:** I need to talk to you.

**EdwardsWife77:** wha? who r u?

**ZiloTheStrange:** you don't know me, but you know my cousin. And her mom

**EdwardsWife77:** u mean MM?

**ZiloTheStrange:** yeah, her. Listen to me, I need a chainletter. Ive gotta go save her

**EdwardsWife77:** why? wats wrong? its been a whole year since her mom talked 2 me, isn't she back?

**ZiloTheStrange:** no. shes dead.

**ZiloTheStrange:** you there?

**EdwardsWife77:** omg wat happened?! i thought her mom had used the reverse chainletter!!

**ZiloTheStrange:** she tried, but she wasn't in time!

**EdwardsWife77:** but…how?

**ZiloTheStrange:** MM's friend Zoe told me the story. she got killed during a big fight with the Homunculi.

**EdwardsWife77:** is zoe okay?

**ZiloTheStrange:** no, not really. She's in one of those hospitals 4 ppl who get depressed.

**ZiloTheStrange:** you there?

**EdwardsWife77**: omg im so so sorry! but wat can a chainletter do?

**ZiloTheStrange**: it can get me over there in time to save her. Please, do you have 1 more?

**ZiloTheStrange**: are you there?

**ZiloTheStrange**: please don't be gone, I need your help.

**EdwardsWife77**: well, yes, ive got another.

**ZiloTheStrange**: please send it to me! Ive got to get going right away

**EdwardsWife77**: ok i will but plz b careful i…I didn't know any1 would die using one of these

**ZiloTheStrange**: Im going to go fix it, so stop being gobsmacked!!

**ZiloTheStrange** **has** **signed** **off**.

* * *

"So…where are you going again?" Zoe asked.

"We're going to Risembool," Al explained. "That's where Brother's automail mechanic is. Brother already phoned ahead and explained everything. Risty May will be safe with the Rockbells."

Zoe considered this. "All right. So…why can't I come again?"

"Since you're Risty May's best friend, the colonel thought that you might be under supervision," Al explained again. "If you went on the train ride with us, it'd be suspicious, especially since your only link to us is Risty May."

"Oh. So I'm being watched."

"Exactly."

Zoe sighed heavily. "Well, can we talk on the phone at least?" She hated this sense that she wouldn't be seeing Risty May for an indefinite period of time.

"On outside lines, probably," Al said. "We'll have to be careful not to tip anyone off, though."

Just then, Ed joined them outside, suitcase in hand. "Ready to go?" he asked Al.

Al nodded. "Don't worry, Zoe—we'll call you as soon as we're in Risembool. Everything will be fine."

"I hope so. And you better call me. I'll be in the dumb room all day tomorrow, so you've got no excuse."

"Stop worrying," Ed told her. "We've got this under control."

"Shut up, Napoleon," Zoe snapped. "I'll stop worrying when Risty and me are back in the dimension we belong in."

Ed shrugged, seemingly unfazed by her insult, and turned. "Come on, Al," he said, starting off down Headquarters steps.

"Bye, Zoe," Al said, turning and following his brother.

Zoe waved after them morosely until they were out of sight, then sank down on the steps and put her chin in her hands. She was beginning to feel like an appendage. She couldn't even go into hiding with her best friend, under the assumption that the idiots were watching her. She sighed.

Now what?

* * *

Ed and Al waited until they were near the train station to duck into an alley and let Risty May out of Al's armor. Ed helped her climb out, but she tripped and fell anyway, hitting Ed in the face.

"Oh! I'm sorry!" she exclaimed, standing upright.

"Try again," Ed said, wiping his face.

Risty May blinked and then nodded. "I'm sorry," she said in a lower-pitched voice.

Ed sighed. "You're never going to pass for a boy."

"But smuggling people onto trains is illegal," Al told him. "And it wouldn't be fair to have Risty May cooped up in my armor for two days."

"Yeah—I mean, yeah," Risty May agreed, going for the boy-voice again. "I'll be good." She adjusted her hat, which she had tucked her hair into, and smiled at him.

"All right, let's give it a try," Ed said, leading the way out of the alley. Al and Risty May followed, with Risty May attempting to imitate a boy's swagger.

"Risty May?"

"Yes, fellow boy?"

"Do you need to use the restroom?"

Risty May paused. "Ah…no. I was just…never mind," she sighed, walking normally again.

* * *

"What's your problem today?"

"Shut up and leave me alone," Envy growled, turning to face the window of the sill he sat on, with one knee up to support his chin.

Lust raised an eyebrow as she reclined in her chair, legs crossed at the knee, absently tapping a small stack of papers into order on the nearby table. "I haven't seen you this irritable since you lost the opportunity to kill Full Metal that one time."

"Didn't I just say shut up?" Envy snapped.

The door opened, and Juliet Douglas walked into the dark office. "I just got out of a meeting," she explained to them. "What's the problem?"

"We've lost track of the girl," Lust explained, "and Envy has developed PMS."

"Shut up!" Envy yelled without turning around.

Sloth crossed her arms. "'Lost track of'? Envy you went to pick her up today. What happened?"

Lust turned back to Envy with surprise. "You failed to mention that," she said pointedly to him.

"I don't feel like talking," Envy grumbled, making a fist and tapping the window with it.

"You'll have to get over it," Sloth said, sitting down in the chair across from Lust. "What happened? Why isn't she on her way to Dante now? Why have we lost her? If something went wrong, Dante will be angry with you, not us."

"She's scary when she's angry," Gluttony commented from where he sat on the floor next to Lust's chair.

Envy finally turned to face them, looking as though he planned to say nothing. Lust's eyes widened, and she stood up. "What did she say?" she asked.

"What?" Sloth asked, confused.

"Did you kill her?" Lust demanded. She knew that look. "What did you do?"

"Nothing!" Envy insisted irritably. "She just got on my nerves. She was alive and breathing and able to run around whining about friendship when I left."

"Friendship?" Sloth repeated.

"Start talking. You either explain to us or Dante," Lust said, hands on her hips.

Envy glared at them, but slowly described what had happened on the roof. Both Lust and Sloth looked shocked by the time he was done. Even Gluttony, who usually had no participation in the serious conversations, seemed to get how unusual this situation was.

"I don't believe it," Lust said after a long silence.

"What kind of girl is she, that she knows who are and claims to want to be your 'friend'?" Sloth wondered aloud.

Envy didn't answer that question. He was too busy trying to shatter the window with his glare.

"More important than that…" Lust mused, holding a finger to her chin, "how can we use this to our advantage?"

That caught Envy's attention. His head whipped around to stare at Lust.

Sloth looked interested. "What are you thinking, Lust?"

"Well, this girl seems to have a vested interest in Envy. It's possible we could try and use that."

"Are you talking about pretending to be her friend?!" Envy demanded.

"It would be simpler," Sloth agreed.

"And perhaps you could convince her to trust us, and willingly work for Dante," Lust added.

Envy inhaled sharply through his nose, as if about to rant and rave. But he said nothing.

"She seems stupid enough to manipulate," Lust said. "And she herself made the offer."

"It's perfect," Sloth agreed.

"It's stupid," Envy muttered.

"But you'll do it," Lust said. "Because it works perfectly. And Dante would be pleased. It would make things much easier for all of us."

Envy sighed heavily and dropped his other foot to the ground. "Fine," he said shortly. "I'll do it. But don't expect me to do any of that friendship-bonding crap. I'll get her to trust us, and that's all. I want to be around that girl as little as possible."

Lust smiled. "Then you find her, and once you've established a connection, feel free to introduce her to me. I'll let you avoid the evils of making a friend."

"I'll inform Dante of the situation," Sloth said. "You two should keep an eye on Full Metal, his brother, and her friend, as well as the Flame Colonel. One of them must know where she is."

"Done," Lust said.

"Whatever," Envy said.

* * *

Zilo: See! I was on time this time!

Roy: Yay for you doing something right.

Zoe: I am NOT liking where my role is going…

Zilo: Ah, shush! Everything's HUNKY DORY!

Ed: Can we go now?

Winry: Until next time, keep your oil filters clean!


	25. Into Risembool

Zilo: RAGMUFFINS! Okay, guess what, we have results, oh yeah! And may I say a very happy thank you to **agent000**, who was so nice and kind enough to find out who my hundredthedtheses reviewers were! Look, here they are!

100th reviewer: Wandering Hitokiri  
200th reviewer: Namikazelil  
300th reviewer: Half Human Homunculi

Zilo: So, THANK YOU FOR THAT, YOU THREE! I'll find some very Zilo way to thank you. Now! Onto the results! It was nearly unanimous yeses for a sequel and RM altering the series, so that we shall do! And it was not unanimous for the EnvyxRM, and that combined with some super-solid advice from **agent000 **(thanks again!!) equals us NOT having EnvyxRM. If you voted for, never fear! I've still got you covered...

Risty: And now, we respond very longly! And also add a long chapter, to make up for the responding long!

* * *

Zilo: **Suzuku90 **made funnies again!  
Ed: Are you OUT OF YOUR DEPRAVED MIND?!  
Roy: …I refuse to answer.  
Zilo: I'm afraid you weren't. But at least you were there!  
Envy: I don't know. IS she delicious or pretty? I, of course, hate her, so I'm probably not the best judge. And I have no girlfriend. Never will.  
Zilo: Risty's ultra-pretty and super-delicious! And that's quite a useful skill, I'd wager.  
Ed: No, it's just annoying. And NO I DON'T!! But I agree with Envy having PMS.  
Envy: Shut up!

Zilo: **The-Living-Shadow**, thanks for voting! **Half Human Homunculi'**s mauling Ed again!  
Ed: GAH! LEGGO!  
Zilo: You make good points, **HHH**! I think Zoe is more likely to spoil, only because she doesn't understand Risty's insistence not to. It would make a nice plot twist!  
Ed: (now hypnotized)  
Envy: Make him do tricks.

Zilo: **agent000**, I can never thank you enough! Hope you got my e-mail! **Namikazelil**, **Eloquent Liar, **and** TailsMoon,** thanks so much for voting!

Al: I hope you feel better now, **Colonel Bastard**. (hands another handkerchief)  
Zilo: You know what? I'm really not much of a romance buff, but I'm going to try it! I might have to make your gift fic AU, though, just because it's easier to work with that way—but I'm willing to take a stab at romance!  
Zoe: Yes, Zilo, just who IS "ZiloTheStrange" to us?  
Zilo: Mer, secret…  
Risty: You can't wait for me to…be exploited?! That's a bit mean!  
Envy: Yet somehow hilarious.

Zilo: **Synneofthesun**, thanks a whole bunch! I'd never kill you for saying that!  
Envy: But I would.  
Risty: That's not nice!  
Zilo: Ah, I can't tell you yet, but it will indeed become clear! Don't even worry! And…er, let's leave out the angry sending of letters, please?

Zoe: Yep, **Shinkutsuki**, short. Just like—  
Ed: Don't FINISH that sentence.  
Zilo: Actually, it's because the Documents decided to eat a whole section at the beginning! Sad! Thanks for voting! And you'll see how!

Zilo: Actually, **Wandering Hitokiri**, I think Envy smoked some cigaweed.  
Zoe: Knew he was a weed head.  
Envy: Shut up.  
Risty: I've got a bad feeling too…  
Envy: Who's Katie, and can I kill her?  
Zilo: You can't kill everyone who votes for EnvyxRM, you know.  
Envy: Why not?

Zilo: Thank you, **Little Patch of Heaven**! I'm just glad you decided to review now! I know how that is, though—I do it myself sometimes! Yeah, there was a big gap between chapters, because of a lot of things happening in real life, so I had to apologize a bunch! But now we're back on track, so yay! Thanks so much for voting!

Al: How do reviews die?  
Zilo: Well, when a mommy review hates a daddy review…  
Risty: Thank you for voting, **Marie Blaze**! We appreciate! Celebrate! Love not hate!

Zilo: No wai, **PhantomSunsSong**! R j00 sur3? 1t c0uld b a tr1ck...  
Ed: Please stop.  
Zilo: Kay. Anyhow, thanks for voting!  
Envy: Not surprising. I'm very likeable.  
Zoe/Ed: NOT.  
Zilo: Yes, I am, but that's all I can say for now! My second appearance will be much later...muahaha...  
Envy: I am NOT, so just drop it!  
Zilo: Denial is the sincerest form of flattery.  
Zoe: ...I think that's "imitation".

* * *

Zilo: ZILO DESIRES YOUR ATTENTION AGAIN: I rewrote the first part of Chapter 23, so it's much less plot-holey now! And also, I need some summaries for the last half of the series from somewhere. It's vital to our 3rd arc!

Risty: There's going to be another arc?

Zilo: There's gotta be! I'm mega-plotting now!

FMA Cast: (groans)

* * *

**CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE  
****AKA "Into Risembool"  
****AKA "Don't Be Selfish"**

"Hey, Risty May. We're here. Wake up."

Risty May blinked and opened her eyes. The train was moving very slowly, and seemed to be getting even slower. She shifted, her cheek dragging against the object it rested upon. She stopped when she realized it was Ed's shoulder.

A split second later, she bolted upright. "Sorry! I'm so sorry!" she said hastily.

Ed shrugged and smiled. "It's no problem. We're here."

"Oh...we are?" Risty May peeked out the window and saw lots of grass and sky and rolling hills. "Oh, we are," she said again. She looked around the train's car and saw that she, Ed, and Al were the only ones left on the train.

"Come on," Al said. "Winry said she'd meet us at the station."

Risty May nodded and stood up, stretching. She felt something brush against her back, through her shirt, and reached back to push whatever it was away. Her hands froze when they came into contact with long, soft hair.

Quickly, Risty May pulled the hair over her shoulder. It was dark brown, and slightly wavy. It looked and felt exactly like her hair had before she had cut it. But it was longer, much longer. It was touching the floor!

"Ed!" Risty May exclaimed, looking up. "My hair! It's--"

She stopped when she realized that Ed and Al had apparently already left the train, leaving her behind. "Hey!" Risty May exclaimed, hurrying out of the booth and down the aisle. "Guys, wait up!"

She came to the door and pulled it open. Her heart fell to her throat when she saw Dante, in Lyra's body, wearing that frilly Victorian dress from the last few episodes. Risty May staggered back. "Wh-What are you doing here?" she exclaimed.

Dante said nothing, but simply clapped her hands together.

"Wait!" Risty May turned and tried to run, but her hair was suddenly much heavier, and slowed her progress terribly. She stumbled but righted herself and tried to get away. Behind her she heard the rushing noise of a transmutation, and turned to see what Dante was about to do. But before she could, a hole opened under her, and she fell.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllp!" Risty May cried desperately as she plummeted into darkness. A hand suddenly reached down and grabbed her arm, jerking her to a stop. Risty May looked up as she swung wildly over the edge of the bottomless pit, trying to see who had saved her.

It was Envy. He had a murderously angry look on his face.

* * *

"Hey, wake up."

Risty May's eyes flew open, and her head jerked up. The top of her head banged into something, and she yelped, reeling back and covering her head. "Ow!" she cried.

"Ow!" Ed said at the exact moment she did. Risty May looked over to see him working his jaw back and forth, grimacing. "Oh! I'm so sorry!" she cried.

Ed waved his free hand. "No big deal," he said, feeling his jawbone. "Nothing's broken."

"We're here," Al interjected from his seat across from theirs.

Risty May looked out the window to see lots of grass and sky and rolling hills. With a sudden jump in her stomach, she reached back quickly to feel her hair. Her fear melted into relief when she felt the now familiar blunt edges hanging just above her shoulders.

"Come on, let's go," Ed said, hopping off the bench and pulling his suitcase out from underneath. Risty May quickly complied, following him down the aisle, with Al bringing up the rear. Like in her dream, they were the only ones on the train, but at least this time she hadn't lost them.

Bright sunlight greeted the trio when they stepped off the train. Risty May squinted and shielded her eyes with a hand. She looked around, expecting to see Winry waiting for them, but then remembered that Al had only said that in her dream.

"Come on, time's wasting," Ed said, already headed for the dirt road that led off into the far reaches. Risty quickly followed him, about a step behind Al, who glanced at her. "Are you okay, Risty May? You look kind of nervous."

"Do I?" Risty May shrugged and smiled. "I guess I am, a little. How long will I be here with the Rockbells."

"I don't know, yet. But don't worry, I'm sure they'll like you," Al said, as if guessing my thoughts.

Risty May had figured that it wouldn't be but so hard to get along with Winry and Pinako. But she just had this uneasy feeling about her. It was partly the creepy dream, and partly because she just felt like something bad was going to happen. Not that bad things hadn't already happened, but something worse. It would have helped if Zoe or Izumi were here.

* * *

"That's their house," Al said, pointing.

Risty May had already known that, but she didn't say anything as they climbed the hill to the Rockbell home. She scanned the area, not even realizing she was looking for the site of Ed and Al's former home.

"For once Winry can't get mad at me," Ed was saying triumphantly as he led the way up to the house. "There's nothing wrong with my automail! Of course, she'll probably assume something's wrong and try to kill me before I get in the door. Maybe I should shout to her that my automail's fine…"

They had almost made it to the top of the hill when the front door opened. Ed paused and instinctively hung back, letting Risty May and Al catch up with him. He then fell into step beside them. Not a moment later, a shiny silver blur came flying out of the door, sailing towards them.

"Gah!" Ed cried, ducking. The wrench, tumbling end over end so rapidly it looked like a spinning silver wheel, just barely passed over his head. Ed breathed a sigh of relief just before hearing a loud clonk.

He turned and saw Risty May now passed out on the ground, her eyes dazed swirls, the wrench lying near her shoulder. A huge lump started to swell on her forehead.

"Risty May!" Al cried, quickly kneeling down.

"Aw, crap!" Ed exclaimed, also getting down. He shook Risty's shoulders. "Hey, are you okay? Can you hear me?"

"_Guhhhhhhhhhhhhh_," was all Risty May could manage.

Ed got up and turned to see Winry standing on the porch in her usual work clothes. "Winry!" he yelled. "You just about killed her!"

"You shouldn't have ducked!" Winry yelled back as she strode down the steps and went to meet them. By this time, Al had picked Risty May up off the ground. The poor girl's damaged head lolled backwards.

"Well, forgive me for wanting to avoid a concussion!" Ed exclaimed.

"Um, Brother, Winry, can you finish this later? I think Risty May's bleeding," Al interrupted politely.

* * *

"I don't believe this," Winry said, examining Ed's automail closely.

"I _told _you," Ed said, with a hint of smugness.

Winry yanked his automail arm straight up. "Yow!" he cried as she prodded the opening under his arm.

"Ed, I never thought I'd see the day you _hadn't _destroyed your automail," Winry said, with a hint of wonder in her voice. "It's still banged up some, but I've never seen it looking this good!"

"Why do you always doubt me?" Ed asked, sounding wounded.

Al sighed. "Brother, don't be smug. You know the only reason your automail's okay is because it hasn't been long enough since Winry's last visit for you to break it."

"Why do _you_ always doubt me?" Ed asked of his brother.

Al was about to answer, when an ear-splitting shriek from the next room caught their attention. Ed was on his feet and at the doorway before Al or Winry could blink. He made it just in time for Risty May, with an adhesive bandage on her forehead, to slam into him, knocking them both down.

"What's wrong?" Al cried, now having made it to the door.

Risty May sat up, rubbing her head. She glanced back into the room, then yelped and dived behind Ed, who had just sat up.

Winry walked over and looked into the room, then back at Risty May. "Oh, are you afraid of dogs?" she asked.

"Just a little," Risty May said from behind Ed.

Den came into the room, looking confused as to why some strange girl was running from him. "Oh, Den's a sweetheart," Winry said. "He doesn't bite." She reached out and rubbed Den's head, and he wagged his tail happily.

"I'm glad he doesn't," Risty May said, but she still didn't move.

Ed got up from the floor and helped Risty May up. Den, obviously curious, walked over to sniff her, and Risty May jumped away so that Ed was between them again.

"Okay, Den, leave her alone," Winry said, pushing Den in the direction of the back door. Den complied, walking away, and Risty May visibly relaxed. "Sorry about that," Winry said. "By the way, I'm Winry Rockbell."

"Risty May Fernandez, very nice to meet you," Risty May said, reaching out a hand. Winry shook it. "Um, I hope you and your grandmother don't mind me imposing indefinitely."

"Not at all!" Winry said cheerfully. "Maybe you can tell me what these two have been up to lately, since they don't ever write." She gave Ed and Al a meaningful glance, and Ed started whistling innocently.

"Where is Granny Pinako anyway?" Al asked politely.

"Making a house call," Winry said. "She should be back before sundown. But enough about that. I'd like to hear what's been going on."

"It's nothing you need to worry about," Ed said.

Winry scowled. "That's what you always say. Why don't you guys ever tell me anything?"

"We just don't want you to worry," Al explained.

"Well, _not _telling me only makes me worry more," Winry said huffily, crossing her arms.

And so they went back and forth for a good while, while Risty May attempted to get used to the fact that she'd be around a dog for who knew how long.

* * *

"_Hello_?"

"Hey, Zoe, it's me," Risty May said into the phone later that day.

"_Risty May! Oh, God, I'm so glad to hear from you. You made it safely_?" Zoe said on the other line.

"Yes, everything's okay now," Risty May said. "Ed and Al are going to head back to Central tomorrow, and I'll stay here with the Rockbells."

"_I wish I could be there with you_," Zoe said wistfully.

"Me too," Risty May admitted, "but the Homun--ah, you-know-who could be watching you. Maybe a little later you can come down."

"_Hopefully. How will you research a way home from there_?"

"Ed's letting me keep some of his books," Risty May said. "And there's probably a bookstore somewhere around here. It'll be fine."

"_Yeah, I guess. Hey, you're the expert--maybe you can clue me in on something_."

"Sure, what is it?"

"_This really weird-looking guy came up to me today and asked me if I knew where the Elric brothers were_."

Risty May's brow crinkled. "Huh? Did he say why?"

"_Well, yeah, I asked, and he said he was a friend of theirs, or something. He said that he'd asked someone else, who'd referred him to me, because I've been seen hanging around with them_."

Risty May sat down on the floor, pulling her knees up and resting her arm on them. She considered. "What did he look like?"

"_Like a bum. Seriously, though, he was short and had these big, bulgy eyes, and he was bald and didn't have any eyebrows, or eyelashes either, I don't think. He was wearing this bum-cloak, and had this really awful, annoying voice that made me kind of want to ram my head into a wall. Oh, and his skin was some really unnatural color_." Zoe paused for a moment then. "_So, does he sound familiar_?"

Risty May listened closely, running through all the FMA characters in her mind that could fit at least parts of the description. None of them sounded right, but this man sounded distinct enough to have played some sort of part in the series. "Well, what did you say?" she asked as she tried to figure it out.

"_I said I wasn't their freaking mom and they were probably off getting into trouble, like all stupid teenage boys. He kind of laughed_," Zoe answered.

"Hum," Risty May said. "I'll have to really think on it. Did he ask you anything else?"

"_Just to let him know if I saw them, which I don't know how I'm supposed to do THAT. So I asked him what he wanted with them, if he, like, owned a restaurant where they ran off without paying the bill. He said he just wanted to ask Al something. I wished him luck finding the dopes, and he left. He seemed nice enough, but I don't give out that kind of info to people I don't know, especially creepy ones_."

"Good work, Zoe," Risty May approved. "We can't be too careful here. He could be looking to get them into trouble."

"_Yeah, I kind of thought that. Anyway, enough about Napoleon and Optimus Prime. You're going to call me every day, right_?"

"Of course," Risty May agreed. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

"_Good. I'm worried about you, Risty_."

"Don't. I'm safe now."

"_For now, anyway. This world's full of crap I don't want you falling into_."

"I'll watch my back, promise."

"Dinner!" Winry called from another room.

"All RIGHT!" Ed whooped from somewhere outside.

"Oh, it's dinnertime, Zoe, I've got to go," Risty May said.

"_Yeah, I'd better get some chow too. Call me tomorrow, okay_?" Zoe said.

"I will!" Risty May promised. "Bye, Zoe!"

"_Bye_."

Risty May stood up and put the phone back in its cradle, still puzzling over the man who had been asking about Ed and Al.

* * *

"So, let me get this straight," Pinako Rockbell said, puffing her pipe on the front porch after a delicious dinner prepared by Winry. "You're a fugitive from the military, charged with something along the lines of neglecting the Fuhrer's son?"

"Yes ma'am," Risty May said meekly, sitting on the porch steps.

"You don't seem like the type to have a label like 'fugitive'," Pinako mused, her eyes intent as she looked off into the dark sky.

Risty May shifted a bit in her place. "It's a very long story," she admitted. "Ed thought that I would be safest here, so far away from Central and everything."

"Hmmm," Pinako said.

Risty May watched the older woman think for a moment. Inside, it sounded pretty quiet, as Ed, Al, and Winry had quietly split up to do the things they usually did to occupy their time after dinner, which was read, read, and put stuff together, respectively. Mercifully, Winry had Den with her.

"I know my being here might get you in trouble with the military if they find me," Risty May said, "so if you want me to, I'll leave."

"Don't go jumping the gun now," Pinako said sharply. "I didn't say any of that. You're welcome to stay here, as long as you follow the rules and keep your nose out of trouble."

"Er--yes ma'am."

Pinako sighed and took another puff from her pipe. "Those boys are always getting into trouble, one way or another--but this is the first time they've dragged some girl into it."

"Oh, but it isn't their fault," Risty May said quickly. "I'm causing the trouble for them. Ed's being really nice to help me."

Pinako gave her a skeptical look. "Oh, really? And what kind of trouble could a girl like you get into?"

"Um...that's another of the long stories," Risty May said sheepishly.

"It seems that you've been around the boys long enough to pick up their habit of keeping everything to themselves," Pinako pointed out.

"I'm sorry," Risty May said automatically, "but it's all just so awful and creepy and silly and weird, and some parts you probably wouldn't even believe, so it's just better to let the whole thing alone, I think."

Pinako raised a brow, and was about to say something when the front door opened.

"There you are." Risty May turned around to see Ed standing in the doorway, in just his tank top and pants. Winry had already tuned up his automail that afternoon, and it did look better. He looked drastically different, as his shirt was untucked and his hair was down for the night.

"Were you looking for me?" Risty May asked, standing up and brushing off the back of her overalls.

Ed nodded and motioned inside. "Come on, I wanna talk to you real quick."

"Okay. I'll be right back, Miss Pinako," Risty May said, following Ed up to the room he and Al shared. Al was currently in another room.

"So what's up?" Risty May asked as she sat down on Al's bed.

Ed sat across from her, on his own bed. "Look," he started, "I know that this isn't the most stable situation and everything, and I wish that you weren't all caught up in this mess, but for now it's the best option we've got."

Risty's brows scrunched. Ed looked frustrated. "I hate how precarious this is," he said, almost to himself. "If I had someplace we could permanently move you and hope the military and the Homunculi forget about you--which isn't really likely--then that would be better, but--"

"Ed," Risty May started slowly, "is this, like...some kind of apology? Because if it is, you don't need to--"

"No, hear me out, okay?" Ed said rather sharply.

Risty May flinched and sat back. Ed immediately looked a bit guilty. "I'm just...you know...kind of worried about you, I guess." At this he blushed and looked at the wall.

"Oh," Risty May said. She considered, then blushed herself. "Well, um, thank you," she said quietly. "I appreciate how you've been helping me so much."

"Yeah. So, look, if you need anything after we leave, just get in contact with me, and I'll come running or something, okay?" Ed said.

Risty May worked up the courage to look at him, her cheeks still flushed. He was still blushing too, and looked angry at himself about it. The house still seemed pretty quiet.

Suddenly, inspiration struck Risty May like a hammer. The two of them were alone, and it was quiet. This would be the perfect moment to confess her love, or crush, whatever she was calling it. That was how it happened in the fanfictions. Risty May had read enough of those to know that.

_If only I were brave enough!_ she thought.

After a moment's consideration, she added sadly, _And if only I were selfish enough._

Ed wasn't just some really cute boy waiting for her to spill the truth to him. He was a really cute genius boy who was carrying practically the whole world on his shoulders. Risty May had watched enough FMA for her heart to well up with sadness at how much weight he had to bear, how much premature growing up he had to do, how many times he had to crack up in secret so he could hold onto his tough facade for his younger brother and for everyone else. His life was hard enough, filled with enough worries and concerns and secrets and sins to drive anyone else insane.

Somehow Ed held it together, but it had to be difficult. What kind of person would Risty May be, then, if she only thought of how relieved she would be to tell him the truth? How selfish of her to dump more onto his shoulders when he already had so much to deal with! It would be just wrong, utterly wrong. If this had just been another fanciful fanfic, where the ending would be happy, and the bad guys mysteriously stayed away long enough for Ed and the OC to go shopping and see the town and go on dates, maybe.

But it was real. Ed was still in the midst of such terrible struggles. He had to deal with Homunculi and the Philosopher's Stone and death and his automail and everything, every single day. The last thing he needed was some dopey, clumsy girl who had been the cause of all his recent problems to tell him how much she loved him and wished that they could actually be a couple.

Risty May smiled sadly. She knew exactly what Zoe would say to that: "_A couple of WHAT?"_ in a tone like it was the most ridiculous thing in the world. And it was.

_Besides,_ she thought, _Winry was here first and loved him first, so if he was ever in a position where he could have a relationship, it's only fair that Winry should get him._ Being so self-sacrificing frankly sucked, but Risty May had no choice, because the other option was too mean to everyone else.

"Hey, what're you thinking of? You're making all these weird faces."

Risty May jumped back to the present to find Ed looking at her quizzically. "Oh! Um, nothing," she said hastily. "Just...thanks, Ed." Hoping he wouldn't mind, she got up and hugged him. "I really appreciate you being such a good friend to me."

"No problem," Ed mumbled, sounding embarrassed. He had stiffened under her hug, but at least he hadn't pushed her away.

* * *

Zilo: (is too lazy to make a stunning exit) See you next time!

Risty: In the next arc!


	26. ARC THREE: Complications, My Dear

Zilo: I AM SOOOOOOOOO SAAAAAAAAH-REEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Others: (temporarily lose their hearing)

Zilo: I was in a bind, in a grind, never on time, and then I looked up, and a month had passed! And then--you can ask my family for verification--I clutched my head and screamed and apologized to the world!

Risty: (twisting finger in ear) She sounded like Ritsu Sohma.

Revo: It was funny!

Zilo: So, anyway, PLEASE FORGIVE ME! (bows, then regains sanity)

* * *

Zilo: **Phantom SunsSong** has offered a slap. What a true friend!  
Risty: Er, what?  
Zilo: Yes, thanks for pointing out the typo. I went back and read it and I was like, "Holy CRUD!" So I fixed it!  
Zoe: Well, we'd tell ya, but you'll find out soon enough, right?  
Zilo: Right.  
Risty: It feels like the right thing to do, so I'll do it!  
FMA Cast: (groans at the pun. Envy groans especially loudly)  
Zilo: Hush, you guys!

Zilo: **agent000**! Don't worry, when I respond to your reviews, I sound like I'm writing a letter. It's easier.

Oh, by the way…NUDGE! If you've already sent a response, then ignore this. I haven't checked my e-mail in a few days. But I would appreciate your input! It really helped last time.!

I am SO glad to hear that! I always, always want to improve. (And then I look back on my older work and cringe, haha) I do try to deal with the emotions Risty May's going through. It always bugged me when someone was warped to Amestris and would be like, "Oh well! Where's Ed? Lalala!" I would always think, "What you don't miss your family? Don't you realize how dangerous Amestris really is? WHAT'S YOUR DEAL?" So I tried to avoid that in TSG. Thanks for waiting!

Envy: So, the Almighty Authoress had typos. Ha!  
Zilo: Oh, shut up. Thanks for the heads up, **Half Human Homunculi**! I went and fixed them.  
Ed:…Uh, no, no, you don't have to get back to smooching me. Go ahead. Chat it up with Zilo. (shoves Zilo at **HHH**)  
Zilo: Well, congrats on that! Being the 300th reviewer only comes around, like, once, so yay!  
Envy: Pfft. YOU shut up.

Zilo: Thanks for the input, **The-Living-Shadow**! Yeah, it just wouldn't work out. Envy's not the kind of guy to fall in love with a human after 400 years of trying to kill them all.  
Envy: EXACTLY.  
Zilo: Well, I haven't decided yet on any of those. We'll see!  
Zoe: I feel sorry for the poor girl's head, too. (worriedly pats Risty May's head)

Zilo: Yay! Hello, **Namikazelil**, my 200th reviewer! See? Great things can happen when you believe!  
Risty: That's so true!  
Envy: You're both AIRHEADS!  
Zilo: Dizzyness is fun!

Zilo: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (runs away from **Shinkutsuki**)  
Envy: Go for the legs!  
Risty: WAIT! STOP!  
Ed: WHATTHEHELLDOESMYHEIGHTHAVETODOWITHYOUTRYINGTOSAWZILOINHALF?! IAMNOTAMICROSCOPICMIDGETSOSMALLHENEEDSAHIGHCHAIRTOSITONTHEFLOOR!!

Zilo: Yay, thanks, **Synneofthesun**!  
Risty: Oh, no depression!  
Roy: I recommend Suspendospense.  
Zilo: But isn't that for something else?

Zilo: Yes, me too, **Wandering Hitokiri**! That's why I try to avoid it.  
Zoe: Not only that, but Amestris is chock full of even more danger, and more stuff killing people. But somehow, your average Mary-Sue never encounters any of that.  
Risty: It's kind of odd, isn't it?  
Envy: I'm not on a damn thing. (stops Katie with a foot) Thank you for the human to torture.  
Zilo: WHOAH THERE, PARTNER! (picks Katie up and slings her at Ed, knocking him over) No mangling of people associated with my reviewers!

Risty: Thank you, **tiggeranddash**!  
Zoe: I've got some guesses of my own, but Zilo tells me I'm wrong. Thanks for the review!

Zilo: Is that how it goes? I had no idea, **Marie blaze** and company.  
Risty: I like witty quips! Can I hear it?  
Envy: Well, explaining it was a waste of time. I CAN'T GET PMS, you idiots.  
Zilo: When does fangirl-ism NOT contribute, am I right?  
Ed: I can think of several instances…

Risty: …Ahm…  
Zilo: Exactly, **Little Patch of Heaven**!  
Envy: Oh, shut up. I'm tired of explaining myself to you stupid humans.  
Zilo: Thanks so much, and you'll see!  
Al: Aw, thanks! I always like the fans! (hugs back)  
Envy: …(lays on the floor for a while, then regenerates and storms away)  
Zilo: Ooh, I do! I know just how you feel!

Zilo: **Asj Johnson**! My friend! More long reviews! Nope, you're not forgetting a thing. That was just a little glimpse into the future. As you can see, all is not well!  
Zoe: You THINK? Risty's dead and I'm depressed?  
Zilo: You're about to find out just where they are in the series, muahaha!  
Ed: Why are you laughing over that?  
Zilo: Dunno. That sounds good! No love for Envy.  
Envy: Who CARES?  
Risty: Yes, that dream's, got me scratching my head in confusion!  
Zilo: It's called premonitions. And wow, that sounds pretty deep. But now you've got it figured out, right?  
Risty: It's okay, I recovered.  
Winry: And it WAS an accident. I was trying to get Ed because I thought he'd messed up his automail again. Who knew his reflexes had gotten so good?  
Zilo: Risty May is what we would call…er, like one of those people who work so hard to get everything right that they mess it all up. She flubbed because she's like that.  
Zoe: Eventually Zilo's going to let us know who it was. I think?  
Zilo: Yep, I will. And, yo! I know exactly what you mean! It's like how people can watch someone get maimed on TV, but if they saw something like that in real life, they'd barf or go into shock or something. I'm so glad you get it!!

Zilo: Welcome, **AllsFair-N-LoveWar**! I'm glad you made an exception for this fic. Normally I don't read new OC-insertion fics either, because they'll be too perfect, or it'll be too fanciful or something. Yay high five!  
Risty: I'm sure that there are people saying "suspensey" somewhere in the US! And making up words is fun anyway!  
Zilo: That sounds like true punishment! (kicks Envy)  
Envy: OW, dammit! Just try something like that and you'll REGRET it.

* * *

Ed: Arc Three. You gotta be f(EEP!)ing kidding me.

Envy: If only.

Zilo: Aw, hush, you two! This is cause for celebration! It's Arc Three, everyone! The very final arc before the sequel which comes after the story! Yay!

Risty: Yay!

Lust: This would be a great time to be able to die...

* * *

**ARC THREE  
**Risty May has more than her fair share of problems. Not only is she a military fugitive, desperately trying not to spoil, and continuing to suck at alchemy, she's also hiding feelings for Ed, falling into a Homunculi trap, and perhaps meeting her death in the near future. With nothing but her wits and some insider knowledge, can she make it through?

* * *

**CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX: Complications, My Dear  
****AKA "Don't Get A False Sense Of Security"**

The next morning, Pinako, Winry, Risty May, and Den converged to say goodbye to Ed and Al before they two brothers left for the train station.

"When you come back, I expect your automail to be in some sort of working order," Winry told Ed sternly.

"Yeah, yeah," Ed said.

"Brother," Al cautioned.

Risty May hugged them both. "Travel safely," she said.

"We will," Al promised.

"Don't forget what I said about laying low," Ed said to her.

Risty May nodded. "I won't."

"And why don't you two try giving us a call or writing a letter this time?" Pinako suggested.

Ed looked sheepish. Al sweatdropped.

"That's what I thought," Pinako said.

"Well, go on! You'll miss your train!" Winry said.

"Right. Bye guys!"

Al turned to wave as the two headed down the hill. Ed waved without turning around. The Rockbells and Risty May waved back until they were out of sight.

Winry sighed as she lowered her head. "It seems like I'm always watching those two walk away," she said, sounding as though she were talking to herself.

Risty May glanced at her sympathetically. She recognized in her mind that there would be a time when Winry watched them walk away and they would never come back. She had always wondered how Winry had fared after the events of the movie. Hopefully she had been able to move on and make a life for herself.

"Well, there's no use moping about it," Pinako said, turning to go back into the house. "Thomas is coming over for his appointment today, and there's plenty else to do. Let's not waste the day."

Winry nodded, took a breath, and then put on a smile. "Right." She turned to Risty May. "So, you wanna help me today?"

"I'd love to!" Risty May said happily.

* * *

Helping Winry turned out to be incredibly tiring work. Dressed in the most work-worthy outfit she had, a blue shirt with a navy off-center cross on the front and black capris, Risty May dutifully helped Winry by carrying around multitudes of parts, searching for tools, bringing in wood, and other such nearly backbreaking jobs. Risty May was exhausted and soaked with sweat by lunchtime, but even then she washed her hands and helped Winry cook and then washed the dishes afterwards. She was determined not to be a burden to the Rockbells.

After lunch, a young man with an automail leg came by for a tune-up. Winry introduced him to Risty May as the Thomas Pinako had mentioned earlier. As they had planned beforehand, Winry introduced her to him as Lidia Ferson, a visiting friend.

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Miss Lidia," Thomas said, shaking Risty May's hand.

"Likewise, Mr. Thomas," Risty May answered politely.

Winry brought in a toolkit and thumped it down on the table. "Lidia, could you get my C wrench from upstairs?" she asked.

"Sure," Risty May said, taking off like a shot. She brought it back in half a minute. "You need anything else?"

"That's it, thanks," Winry said, smiling at her.

"Okay. I'll help Miss Pinako then." Risty May left to find the older woman.

* * *

The sun was going down by the time Winry had finished working for the day. She set down the box of metal odds and ends in the grass of the front lawn and stretched, arching her back. "Wow, I got so much more done today than I usually do," she commented, turning to Risty May, who sat on the front steps holding a half-disassembled automail arm that was headed for the scrap heap. "You're really helpful Risty May, or should I call you Lidia?"

Risty May smiled tiredly, wiping sweat off her face. "Lidia works. That _is_ my middle name," she said. "I had no idea you worked so hard every day, Winry."

"It doesn't seem so hard anymore," Winry commented, picking the box back up. She joined Risty May on the steps, setting the box down beside their feet. "But wow, you are pretty sweaty."

"Yeah, I guess I am," Risty May said. "The shirt didn't help collecting it all."

Winry laughed. "Why do you think I wear this?" she said, holding her arms at her sides to display her work outfit. "It's much easier to work in, especially when it's hot. Do you have any tops like this, or any sweatpants?"

Risty May shook her head. "I didn't really get to pack my own stuff," she admitted, "so all I really have are my cutest outfits."

"Who packed them?" Winry asked.

"My best friend, Zoe. She hates to see me in anything that isn't cute."

Winry laughed again. "Well, I've got some sweatpants and gloves you can wear tomorrow. As for the shirt--"

"If you'll give me some scissors, I can fix that," Risty May said. "I can cut this shirt up." In truth, it was one of her favorite shirts, and one of the ones that made her look the cutest. But she was trying to shed her girly-girl lifestyle, so she would scissors it just like she had her hair.

Winry pushed up one of her gloves to check her watch. "It's almost time to start dinner," she commented.

"Can I help?" Risty May asked.

"Sure, if you'd like to! That would be great!"

* * *

Risty May was thrilled to use the quaint cooking appliances that Winry had to offer. In no time the two had decided on salad and beef stew, which Winry informed Risty May was Ed's favorite dish.

"It's surprising, since there's milk in it," Winry said as she chopped the vegetables. "Ed hates milk."

Risty May giggled. "Are you sure he knows?"

Winry smiled wryly. "He might not."

The two chatted about random things as they prepared dinner, such as the weather, Ed's temper, and how nice a place Risembool was to live.

"You know," Winry said when the stew was almost done, "Ed never really told me anything about you. He just said you had to hide out with us for a while. Where are you from?"

Risty swallowed nervously, looking down at the dishes she was washing already. "Um..." she stalled.

"Wait, don't tell me. 'I don't need to know', right?" Winry sounded bitter as she stirred the stew. "How many times have I heard _that_ from Ed."

"Well, it isn't like he's purposefully trying to be mean," Risty May defended him. "He doesn't want you to worry."

Winry glanced at her. "Granny wasn't kidding. They've rubbed off on you, all right."

Risty May was silent as she held the dishrag in her hands. Winry put the finishing touches on the stew and took it off the stove. She turned the stove off and opened the cupboard for some bowls.

"Ed's trying to help me and my friend Zoe get home," Risty May said quietly.

Winry glanced at her. "It's my fault really that he's mixed up in this," she went on, talking to the water her hands were in, "but he's still nice enough to help. I kind of wonder sometimes if he isn't mad at me because I almost got him killed."

Dead silence from Winry. Risty May gulped, realizing what she had let slip. She saw no other alternative but to forge ahead. "It's a long and crazy-sounding story, but if you're willing to listen..." She took Winry's silence as an assent and went on. "I'm from a...um, really far away, and about three months ago I tried to use this thing called a chainletter so I could come here and meet Ed. Well, not really. I didn't believe it would work, but a friend of mine practically begged me to try, and I promised her I would. So, I did, but..."

As Risty May went through a condensed version of The Story, with some parts like ones with Dante or the Homunculi being artfully edited out, Winry listened silently, not interrupting once.

"...And, well, then Ed and Al and Colonel Roy decided I needed to disappear, and Ed suggested I come here. And that's what happened." Risty May summoned up her courage by clenching her necklace in her fist, then wheeled to face Winry. The 16-year-old was watching her with a stunned expression. "And I know I sound like I'm absolutely insane," Risty May went on desperately, "and you probably think I'm making it up, but it's all true. Ed and Al would tell you the same, and so would Zoe if you ever talked to her."

Winry slowly shook her head. She said nothing for a moment. Risty May waited nervously until she finally spoke. "So, basically, you can see the future?"

"Um, yeah, I guess I can," Risty May agreed.

Winry looked hesitant about something. Risty May began to wonder how her story had been so easily believed.

"Then...can you tell me if Ed and Al ever come home and stay?"

Risty May started and drew in a breath. She should have guessed this coming. "I-I'm really sorry, Winry, but I can't," she said, meaning it. "I would tell you if I could, but it's kind of out of my hands. Spoiling would be dangerous."

"What is 'spoiling'?" Winry asked.

"Um...that's what I call telling you the, uh, future. If I spoiled for you, Winry, then you might try to act to change it to fit exactly what you want, or let it slip to someone else who tried to change it to what they want. And if that happened, it could end up worse, or something might change that would be bad. I'm sorry."

Winry looked disappointed. "But, you do believe me?" Risty May ventured.

"Yeah," Winry said, smiling sadly. "It does sound really crazy, but you don't seem like the kind of person to make up such an elaborate story for no reason. You don't really have any gain to lie that outrageously. I mean, look at all the trouble it's gotten you into. And stranger things have happened, I've heard."

"That's true," Risty May sighed.

Winry glanced down at the bowls in her hands. When she looked up, she was all smiles again. "You shouldn't let it worry you, though. Everyone's got things to deal with, right?"

"Um, yeah, that's true too!" Risty May agreed, wringing out the dishrag.

"Okay, come on, let's serve dinner!" Winry said.

* * *

At first Risty May had been fearful to expose her abdomen, like Winry did, because she had never considered herself to have a midriff nice enough to show off, and that wasn't really her style. But being transported into an "everybody's flawless" anime series did have its perks. Risty May's stomach was flatter and her sides curvier than she had ever seen them, and so it was with a little nervousness that she started wearing her scissored top. Her nervousness soon faded, though, and it was definitely an improvement. Winry had the right idea in that department.

It wasn't too long before Risty May began to find a routine for herself in the Rockbell household. She was absolutely shocked at how much work Winry did every single day. It had never even been hinted at in the anime. Customers, projects, phone orders, appointments, errands, inventions--it was tiring just to think about.

However, Risty May didn't let that scare her. She became Winry's unofficial assistant, finding things and carrying things and organizing things and helping Winry keep track of all her tools and parts. Risty May had limited mechanical knowledge, and the few things she did know Winry already knew, but sometimes she was still able to help Winry assemble something.

Besides that, Risty May did a good portion of the housework as well. She also ran errands with Winry or Pinako, and occasionally both. She still hadn't quite warmed up to Den, though, so she didn't volunteer to walk him, but she helped out with just about everything else.

Usually all the work ended by sundown, in time for Winry and Risty May to make dinner. After that, Risty May would call Zoe to check in and ask about Ed and Al, then attempt to decipher Ed's alchemy books and practice alchemy, then get ready for bed. If she got free time during the day, she would practice fighting, though it didn't work too well without a live partner.

All in all, it was a rigorous schedule, and one Risty May was thankful for. She had started to feel like she was causing trouble all around, and being able to help Winry get so much more done each day gave Risty May a sense of usefulness.

She soon found herself falling into a sense of settling in, and had to remind herself to stay careful. Danger could be anywhere, and she didn't want it sneaking up on her. But she felt relatively safe and secure, and was pretty certain that things would go as planned in the series, and that everything would be all right.

However, that would change soon.

* * *

"_Ed? Oh, yeah, him,_" Zoe said.

Risty May's brows scrunched. "What is it?" she asked, absently fiddling with a small contraption she was assembling for Winry. It was after dinner, about two weeks after Risty May had first come to stay with the Rockbells, and things had been going smoothly. If Risty May were a more pessimistic person, she might have been suspicious of the smoothness, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. But she wasn't.

"_Well, you remember that creepy guy I told you about, asking me about them?_" Zoe said.

"Uh-huh," Risty May prompted.

"_Yeah, I think he had something to do with Al getting kidnapped._"

"KIDNAPPED?!" Risty May repeated loudly, then slapped a hand over her mouth. Her eyes flew to the doorways and openings that led into the room, waiting to see if Winry or Pinako had heard her yell.

A moment passed, and no one came to investigate, so Risty May uncovered her mouth. "What happened?" she asked in an urgent whisper.

"_Well, I've got no reason to tag along with those bozos anymore, so I don't really know,_" Zoe said, "_but I think a group of them somehow ganged up on Al and kidnapped him. I heard it from Ed after he'd flown into a rage. I was bugging him on the phone for an update so I could tell you when you asked. He said he thought they took Al to Dublith, so that's where he went. That was about three days ago. I would've called and told you, but you never did give me the number._"

Risty May was speechless, not only at what had happened to Al, but at her own forgetfulness. The creepy man Zoe had described had to be Bido, the lizard chimera-guy in Greed's gang! Risty May bit her index nail in worry. She knew Al would come out of this safely, but she was still worried all the same.

And something else nagged at the back of her mind. Hadn't the kidnapping taken place in Dublith in the first place? How had it moved to Central? If nothing else, it seemed to be shifting back to Dublith now, but why was it different from the series?

"_Risty May?_" Zoe sounded worried.

"Oh--sorry, Zoe, I was just thinking," Risty May said. "Do you know anything else about what happened?"

"_Nope, that's all I've got. Why? Don't you know all this already?_"

That was true. Risty May _did_ know all this. But the part about Al getting kidnapped in Central simply threw her. Why did that seem so significant?

"_Man, I'm sleepy. I'm gonna turn in,_" Zoe said.

"Okay. Goodnight, Zoe."

"_Night. Call sooner next time_."

"Okay." Risty May hung up and heaved a big breath. Maybe she was overreacting. Here, in the real place, things might be slightly different than they were in the series. Maybe that was all. So there was no reason to worry. Right?

* * *

Risty May couldn't sleep that night. The whole kidnapping in Central continued to bug her, even after she came up with plenty of reasonable explanations. With a sigh, she resolved to sit outside on the porch and stare at the sky until sleepiness caught up with her.

So, that was where Risty May was at 3 in the morning. Sitting on the porch steps in her creepy red pajamas, looking up at the sky, her crossed arms resting on her knees. A slight breeze ruffled her hair, which was loose for the night. Already it had grown long enough that it just barely cleared her shoulders, and would touch them with the slightest incline of her head. Risty May wondered about trimming it.

Movement to the left caught her eye, and she turned but saw nothing. Risty May assumed it was a tree branch being moved by the wind, and turned her eyes back to the sky. The wind picked back up, rustling through the trees, and Risty May closed her eyes and sighed, pretending she was on the front porch back at home. Sometimes she and her mom would sit on the porch swing with a blanket and hot chocolate on the colder nights, looking for constellations. Rose could always spot several. Risty May could only see the Big Dipper and Orion, but that was good enough.

Thinking of her mother made a lump rise in Risty May's throat. It was nearing a full month back home, and close to four months here. Risty May had never gone so long without any contact at all with her mother. Sure, she'd gone to summer camp for several weeks or something in the past, but at least then she could still call and write. Here, there was no possible way to let her mother know she was okay and not, say, dead.

Familiar tears welled up in her eyes. She let her face fall down into her arms. "I miss you, Mom," she whispered into her knees.

"_Here_ you are."

Risty May's head snapped up immediately at the familiar voice. She whirled--and there was Envy at the base of the steps, one foot on the bottom one as if he were about to climb up. Her heart thumped, and she started to rise, fists clenching.

"Calm down," Envy said, crossing his arms. "I'm not here to kill you."

"Well, I don't want you to beat me up either," Risty May said, swallowing.

Envy sighed heavily. "Or that. Just sit down already."

Warily, Risty May sat. "Well, if you're not here to kill me or beat me up, what is it then? Kidnapping? Mugging? Um...defamation of character?"

"I _came_ here to take you up on your stupid offer," Envy snapped.

Risty May was bewildered for a moment. What had she offered him? The love...but no, that was a lie. The friendship? Or the...

"You want to get something off your chest?" she ventured.

In response, Envy half-stomped up the steps and sat down on the same one she sat on, as far away from her as he could get. "You going to listen or not?" he snapped.

"Of course!" Risty May exclaimed. "I'd love to listen to you. Tell me anything you want." She could barely believe her ears. Was Envy actually about to talk about, as her mom would put it, "him and his needs"? She wondered if hell was having a snow day at the moment.

Envy glared out into the distance, his arms crossed. His behavior was pretty hostile for someone about to talk of their feelings. "I _hate_ the pipsqueak," he said as a conversation starter.

Risty May blinked. She had no idea what to say to that.

"I hate him with a _passion_," Envy said with emphasis. "And I hate his brother. I want to kill them both with my bare hands."

"As opposed to with, like, um, a sledgehammer?" Risty May tried.

Envy glanced at her and raised a brow. "I suppose," he said after a moment. "A whatever kind of hammer you said doesn't sound painful enough. That stupid tin can can't feel pain though, so it wouldn't be as much fun to--"

"Um, Envy? I hate to interrupt, but I'm kind of a squeamish human girl, so if you keep talking like this, I might throw up instead of listen intently," Risty May cut in sheepishly.

"Oh." Envy looked as though he thought her throwing up would be funny. "Well, what kind of stupid things _do_ you want me to talk about?"

"Oh, whatever you'd like that isn't too graphic is fine," Risty May said, a little eager.

"Don't you ever get tired of being a weak human?" he suddenly changed topics.

Risty May blinked. "What? Well, not really. I mean, that's all I've ever been," she pointed out.

"With one move I could snap your neck," Envy commented. "Or tear out your heart. Or squash your brain."

"Um, I really hope you wouldn't do any of that."

"With all the idiotic things you alchemists do, you would think one of you would start trying to strengthen the weak human body," Envy said. "Instead you do stupid things like invent stuff and try to help people."

"Well, some alchemists really want to try and help all the humans they can," Risty May said.

Envy shook his head, as though those alchemists were the dumbest of them all.

"Envy, what do you like to do?" Risty May asked.

"What? Kill humans."

"Um, I mean, when you're not doing that."

"Manipulate them."

Risty May pondered for a moment. "What I mean is, do you have any hobbies? That aren't, like, evil?"

Envy held out his hands and shrugged. "For what?"

"Well, I mean, you didn't do nothing but kill and manipulate humans for 400 years straight, did you?" Risty May asked.

"Well, no. I tortured a few, too," Envy said.

Risty May sat quietly for a few more moments. Maybe it was a lost cause to try and befriend Envy. Perhaps he was too murderous and had become too ingrained in his hatred towards humans to be friends with one. Maybe he only wanted to kill them, or torture or manipulate them. Maybe this was a waste of time.

But if that was true, why had Envy sought her out, she wondered? If he only did terrible things to humans, why wasn't she dead, or being tortured or manipulated?

Maybe there was hope after all.

"I like to write," Risty May volunteered.

Envy said nothing.

"Um, it's fun," Risty May went on, "and it helps you become really creative. I like to read too, because then you can basically go to other worlds where anything can happen, and it's really cool. Do you, ummm, like to read or write, Envy?"

"No," he said curtly.

Risty May sighed a little, looking down at her lap.

"A little," he said.

"Oh, _really_?" she gasped excitedly, turning to him, eyes shining. "That's really awesome, Envy! I never knew!"

Envy had been staring at her like she was nuts at first, but then his face took on a look of curiosity. "I thought you were the all-seeing clairvoyant girl," he practically accused.

"Well, I don't know _everything_," Risty May explained.

"But you know enough." Envy leaned forward a little. "Tell me what happens to me."

Risty May blinked, then looked down sadly. "I can't. I'm sorry."

"Damn it, you--!" Risty May's head snapped up in fear at the angry tone, and she saw the look of rage on his face, and the fist cocked back to punch. She instantly jumped away, holding her hands up defensively. But before he hit her, he took a deep breath, and lowered his arm. Some of the anger cleared from his face. "And why not?" he demanded.

"Well..." Risty May said hesitantly, still a little scared, "if you know what's going to happen to you, not you, you, but you in general, then you might try and do things differently to get a better result, and that might end up making things worse for a lot of other people, or even you. Time and events have to run their course to ensure things go right."

"Well, what if I said I _wouldn't_?" Envy said, his face suddenly inches from hers.

"Uh, uh, well, um..." Risty May felt nervous with him in such close proximity to her. What if he snapped again?

"Just tell me," Envy said. "A little hint, a brief mention. You don't even have to tell me all of it. Just what I need to know. What would that hurt if I just knew, hmm?" He smiled that crooked grin that Risty May had always thought made him look cute, and she felt herself starting to cave.

_Give in!_ the fangirl in her screamed. _Give him what he wants and he'll luv u forevaaaaaaaaaah, girl!!_

"Why should _you_ worry about this whole time-and-events-running-its-course thing anyhow?" Envy went on. "You're just one stu--just one girl. What kind of burden is that, huh?"

Risty May knew exactly what she would tell him, too. In the midst of all her self-sacrificing and series-preserving, was it so much to ask for her to be able to do things her way just once? Why _did_ all of this duty have to fall on her shoulders? She hadn't asked for it, so why did she have to do it?

Besides, she had always hated what had happened to Envy. Maybe spoiling wouldn't be the absolute crash and burn she assumed it would be. Zoe had argued once that maybe things would change for the better. Maybe they would! Maybe Envy wouldn't end up on the other side of the Gate as a big ugly dragon that people stabbed spears into!

"W-Well...okay, but only _one_ thing," Risty May finally hemmed. "Just one, and I can't tell you anything else."

A victorious grin replaced the crooked one. "Excellent," Envy said, leaning backwards. At much as it repulsed him to interact with humans, manipulating Risty May was one of the few times it directly benefited him. It was so obvious that she was stupid over him. He could swallow his revulsion towards humans, and even turn on the charm, if the rewards would be this great.

"Ahm...well..." Risty May looked over both shoulders and all around, as if the spoiler police were waiting to bust her. "Um..." She had never considered how she would precisely give Envy this tidbit of information without spoiling a whole lot more, but the fangirl in her was practically frothing at the mouth at a chance to get in good with Envy, so she plunged ahead, for once not thinking rationally. "You see...there's this big climactic battle near the end..."

"The end of what?" Envy asked.

"The end of...stuff. And, er, there's a point where you're going to try and cross the Gate."

A look of absolute confusion crossed Envy's face. "Why would I...?" He trailed off and motioned impatiently for her to finish.

"When you're passing through, the Gate babies--"

"The _whats_?"

"The, uh, black things that yank off people's limbs. They'll kind of try and yank off yours, right, and so you'll start changing to get them off. First you'll change into Ed--"

Envy snorted.

"--then, er, a version of your real self, I think--"

Envy glared.

"--and lastly, you'll turn into this big giant green serpent-dragon thing and zip through The Gate." Risty May looked at him earnestly. "When you get to the other side of The Gate, your powers will be nullified, and you'll be stuck as a big giant green serpent-dragon thing."

Envy stared at her.

"I-It's true," she said hesitantly. "It doesn't make much sense now, because you don't know yet what you'll know then. That made me really sad when you were stuck in that form, Envy. I'm only doing this so when you get super angry, you won't do that. Just...morph back into this form or something, okay? Or just stay out of The Gate period."

Envy stared at her, and then he abruptly stood up and started down the steps.

"W-Wait!" Risty May cried, scrambling to her feet. "I'm sorry! Did I make you mad?"

Envy didn't answer until he had made it down the steps and partway down the hill. Then, without turning around, he said, "Be here this time tomorrow night."

With that, he took off running and swiftly disappeared into the night.

* * *

Envy: I HATE YOUR GUTS! (chases Zilo around the room)

Zilo: Don't haaaaaaaaaaaate! (is running away as fast as possible)

Riza: Shall I bring out the heavy artillery?

Roy: Not yet. Let's see if he catches her.

Risty: Um, ah, guys! Please stop!

Ed: If you absolutely have to, read the Omake before you go.

* * *

**OMAKE THEATER  
****Zilo Meets A Reviewer  
**_(a completely true story gleaned from the insanity of real life)_

About a week ago, my sister and I were taking a little tour of Wal-Mart so I could point out all the things I wanted for my upcoming birthday. She was writing it down to share with the rest of the family so I could be happily surprised on my b-day. I was wearing one of my newest shirts, a black one that says "ZILO" on the front in big white letters. Her shirt, sadly, had nothing to say and only displayed stripes.

Zilo: Tennis racket. That one with the picture of Roger Federer on it.  
Shi: Does that mean that he uses that racket specifically?  
Zilo: I guess. Oh yeah, and tennis balls!  
Shi: Ones with pictures of Roger Federer on them?  
Lana: ...Zilo?  
Zilo: What? Who dat? (looks around)  
Lana: No, I mean, are you Zilo? Zilo Sugarpill, from Fan Fiction?  
Zilo/Shi: (exchange glances)  
Zilo: If I say yes, are you gonna shoot me or something?  
Lana: OHMYGAHD, ZILO!  
Zilo: (to Shi) Am I like Roger Federer now?  
Shi: (shrugs)  
Lana: I'm lana-rinreed! I used to review your fics all the time! OHMYGAHD, I just LOVED Twisted and Family and The Switch Glitch! OHMYGAHD, I can't believe I met you! OHMYGAHD!  
Shi: Don't you know God shoots people for saying His name in vain four times?  
Lana: ...(obviously unsure how to respond to Shi's sarcasm)  
Zilo: Whatever happened to you, anyway? You stopped reviewing!  
Lana: OHMYGAHD, I know! I still followed along, but I was always just so busy that I couldn't pause to review! But OHMYGAHD! My friends all LOVE your stories! Can I get your autograph?  
Zilo: (uses convenient marker to sign name on Lana's face) Wow, I AM like Roger Federer!  
(I got permission from lana-rinreed to reproduce this story illegally. I don't own Roger Federer)

* * *


	27. Splashes Of The Unusual

Risty: Thanks for coming back, everyone!  
Zilo: I will humbly partake of your allowing me to carefully respond!

* * *

Zilo: **agent000**! Yay! For the record, the rest of my family found the encounter hilarious when they heard about it. If I had the stuff to dress as Ed, I might do it once or twice. But don't give up—a reviewer might slam into you yet!

Do I? Hooray! My biggest fear with the Envy and RM chats were that I'd put him out of character in order to bend him to my will, if that makes sense. That gullible Risty, hah. Anyway, I don't have much of a dramatic life, but I could probably upload it to FF in the humor section and have people rolling around on the floor.

Oh, baff, I didn't write-nudge you! I knew I'd forgotten something. Maybe I'll write-nudge and send you a copy of the e-mail. If that doesn't work, ahem, NUDGE! We'll figure this out somehow! Thanks so much for reviewing! No choking on Kool-Aid, like I did today.

Envy: **The-Living-Shadow**, don't say stupid things. (sarcasm) No, I don't think I'll listen, and I'll let myself get trapped on the other side of the—  
Zilo: Don't be mean! It's a valid question, because you're all hardheaded!  
Envy: Shut up.  
Risty: I think it's cool too!

Zilo: Thank you, **Synneofthesun**! You'll have to wait and see when I arrive. Hopefully soon! And yay popstardom!

Risty: **Mei** **Fire** sounds really enthusiastic!  
Zilo: Well, why not? We're exploding with energy!  
Ed: That's a gross mental image.

Zilo: **Wandering** **Hitokiri**, I like how you think.  
Envy: I can assure you, you stupid little—  
Zilo: No came calling!  
Ed: She tried to WHAT?! (immediately drops Katie)  
Envy: She said WHAT?!  
Zilo: (picks Katie up and slides her out a window) There, now she's gone, so calm down, guys!  
Risty: Uh…was that safe?  
Zilo: No, why?

Zilo: Well, I'm glad the Omake served a purpose then, **Houran**!  
Risty: I know it sounds crazy, but I had my reasons!  
Zilo: I hope the 3rd Arc is to your liking! Thanks for the review!

Zilo: **Asj** **Johson**…I just can't…(falls over)  
Zoe: I think she's in awe of the size of your review.  
Zilo: I think I can answer some stuff…I have no clue if they had wristwatches back then. Risty May has her own, from her time, though.  
Winry: Sometimes I go ahead and pretend it doesn't matter to make the other person feel less uncomfortable. I've done it with Ed.  
Zilo: Yeah, well, Breda's there for comic relief.  
Breda: Hey!  
Zilo: Dadada! See the deviations? Those will play a part later.  
Envy: I was screwing with the brat's head, is all.  
Zilo: I knew you weren't so evil…oh, wait, yes you are. It was definitely an interesting meeting. Hey, maybe sometime when I jog on up the East Coast, I'll slam into your car or something!  
Ed: What if she doesn't live near you?  
Zilo: Don't deflate my dream!

Zilo: Thank you, **Skitty** **Kat** **Girl**!  
Ed: I'll tell you. Everybody died.  
Zilo: That's MY joke, thank you!  
Envy: Well, seriously, who would put "Envy" and "hobbies" in the same sentence if "killing" wasn't in there?

Zilo: I agree too, **Half Human Homunculi**! (covers Risty's eyes)  
Others: (cover own eyes and all scream in terror)  
Envy: …Ow…(falls over)  
Ed: (wakes up) What did I miss?  
Zilo: My eyes just burned out of my sockets, is all! Uh, here! (unties Ed, grabs Envy while he's incapacitated, and slings him into Ed's arms) Let's try and fix **HHH**'s dilemma! Hug him!  
Ed: …No.  
Zilo: Shall I tell you what you missed?  
Others: NO! PLEASE, NO!  
Ed: Was it that bad?  
Zilo: (nods)  
Ed: (under threat of unmentionable torture, hugs Envy briefly then drops him)  
Zilo: Please tell me that will be enough to tide you over for now, **HHH**!

Ed: **Colonel Bastard** took the words out of my mouth. How come none of these Sues ever care about possibly being separated from their families forever? Why do they insist on barging into my life and ruining it?  
Risty: (thinks he's talking about her and tears up)  
Zoe: (takes a frying pan to Ed's head)  
Ed: OW! DAMMIT! Risty May, I didn't mean you!  
Zilo: I think that one's "An Alchemical Experience" and yeah, I've read it. Good OCs like her and Annora Thomas are REALLY hard to come by these days. Eh, who wants to look at Bido anyway?  
Risty/Zoe/Ed:…  
Envy: That's disgusting. I would NEVER—  
Ed/Zoe: (team up and beat him to a pulp while Risty May goes into shock)  
Zilo: Yeah, writing Envy and RM's chat was fun. I wish I knew who came up with "Gate babies". It's kinda creepy, isn't it? But the jingle is very catchy. And that moral is priceless! What would you say is the moral of this chapter, eh?

Winry: Thanks for noticing, **tiggeranddash**! Not many people seem to!  
Risty: I wouldn't say that. I'm sure you're a good person!  
Zoe: Nah, I'm still there, hanging out in that military-funded inn.  
Zilo: What did Disney do this time?

Zilo: Hey **Marie blaze** and everyone!  
Ed: What's this about snow?  
Risty: Who's Dani?  
Al: A friend of theirs?  
Zilo: Hey, I'm on Gaia too.  
Risty: DON'T DIE!!  
Envy: Psh, shut up.  
Zoe: Is that all you ever say?  
Envy: What are you gonna do if it is?

Envy:…  
Zilo: Hi, **Phantom** **SunsSong**!  
Envy: I have no idea how that makes you a true friend, but let me be the first to tell you, you're not. I don't have friends.  
Zilo: Oh, then, yay! My procrastination helped someone!  
Envy: …You're weird.  
Risty: Oh no, that would be WAY too much.  
Zilo: Yay! If I ever see you, I'll be sure to autograph your face!

Zilo: **Namikazelil**, 200th reviewer!  
Risty: Don't scold me, please! I hate scoldings…  
Zilo: Yep, it did. How do all these crazy things happen to me? **Arden Anam**, welcome and thanks for reviewing!!

Zilo: Penguins! Kya!  
Risty: Hi, **Little Patch of Heaven**!  
Zilo: YAY NEW ARC! I certainly hope you'll tune in!  
FMA Cast: (all high-five, whether from wanting to or from not wanting to get sticked)  
Envy: Psh, whatever.  
Al: Of course I'd return a hug! (returns hug again)  
Ed: He is not!

* * *

Zoe: Has anybody noticed that the review responses have become a lot like those "ask FMA" type fics?

Envy: Who cares?

Zilo: Hey, guys?

Guys: What? (all have on party hats)

Zilo: I JUST TURNED 20!! HOORAY!! And to celebrate, I'm updating everything updatable, uploading brand new art, and bringing one of my new stories into the ranks! Celebrate with me! And GIMME STUFF!

* * *

**CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN: ****Splashes Of The Unusual  
****AKA "Don't Doubt Yourself"**

"Lidia? You look kind of tired. Are you okay?" Winry asked worriedly.

"Oh--yes, I'm all right," Risty May said, pulling her borrowed gloves on. "I just didn't sleep much last night." That much was true. Risty May had barely been able to sleep a wink when she went back to bed after Envy's shocking visit.

Questions and emotions whirled through her mind. Could she have handled it better? Was it really okay to have told Envy about his future as a giant dragon/snake combination? Most importantly, what would she say tonight, when he came back?

That, Risty May decided, she would have to deal with later. She pushed it all aside, determined to focus on helping Winry to the best of her ability. Even still, as it got darker in the sky, Risty May became more and more worried. Unable to keep assuring Winry she was all right, she claimed to have a headache and went to bed early.

In bed, Risty May lay on her side on top of the covers, staring at the wall. She kept her wristwatch in view so that the time didn't pass her by. She didn't even think of anything, not wanting to fall asleep. So she simply counted the seconds, and then the minutes, and then the hours. Her legs grew stiff.

The time passed as slow as a snail, since there was nothing to distract her. Midnight finally arrived, and then 1 and 2 o'clock. Risty May got up and started to pace quietly, checking the time each time she came back.

At 2:34, she couldn't take it any longer. Putting her feet in her shoes, she quietly slipped downstairs and out to the porch. She hadn't even changed into her pajamas and was still in her work shirt, and the pants she borrowed from Winry. Risty May sat down on the porch steps and waited, fingers drumming nervously on her knees. She didn't look at her watch now.

Eventually, Risty May's eyelids grew heavily. She blinked over and over, trying to push the sleepiness away. Her head kept bobbing up and down. She really wanted to go crawl into bed and sleep forever. She dozed for what she thought was only a second, but when she reluctantly forced herself awake again, Envy was sitting next to her.

"Yah!" Risty May cried, jumping in surprise.

"Yes, hello to you too," Envy said sarcastically.

"Sorry," Risty May said, putting a hand over her heart to calm it. "You just scared me, is all."

"I noticed. You were snoring."

Risty May blushed. "Oh, um, sorry."

Envy shrugged. He didn't look as hostile today. Or perhaps Risty May was projecting that onto him in her fierce hope to befriend him.

"So...what would you like to talk about today, or, tonight?" she ventured.

"I don't care," Envy said.

"Okay. Um...is your power fun?"

Envy glanced at her with a skeptical brow raised.

"I mean, you know, being able to look like anyone you want, or just mix it up and look like a completely different person altogether," Risty May elaborated. "You like it?"

"It serves its purpose," Envy said noncommittally.

Risty May considered. "So...if you had to have one of the other Homunculi's powers, which one would you want?"

"What?" Envy stared at her like she was nuts. Then he heaved a big breath, and seemed to attempt to push his ridiculing look away. "Ugh, I don't know. I never thought about it." He glared into the distance, then finally said, "If I _had_ to have one of those dopey powers, then maybe Pride's Ultimate Eye. Then I could kick people's asses with even better ease, and I wouldn't ever get hit." A grin spread across his face. "_That_ would be nice. I hate pain."

"Pride's power is pretty cool," Risty May agreed.

Envy glanced at her sideways. "Ssssooo...which one would _you_ want?" He sounded as though he were trying and failing to muster up interest in her answer.

"Yours," Risty May said promptly, with a smile.

Envy snorted. "Well of course. Mine's the best."

"My thoughts exactly!"

They sat in silence for a moment. "So, if you had to have your Ouroborus mark somewhere else, where would you want it?" Risty May asked, trying to keep the conversation going.

"That's a stupid question," Envy said.

Risty May swallowed and looked away, embarrassed.

Envy sighed heavily. "I don't know," he finally said, sounding annoyed. "Maybe in the middle of my stomach."

"On your belly button?" Risty May asked, jumping right back into the conversation.

"Yeah. Whatever."

Risty May giggled. "That would probably look really cute on you."

"What doesn't?" Envy agreed easily.

"If I had one, I think I'd want mine between my shoulder blades," Risty May said. "This girl I know has a tattoo there, and it looks really awesome on her. But tattoos probably wouldn't look right on me."

"Not to mention you'd need to be a Homunculus to have an authentic one," Envy snorted.

"Oh, man! Can you imagine what I'd be like as a Homunculus?" Risty May gasped, as the idea had never even come to her.

"Twice as annoying, I'd guess," Envy said.

"That would be so _weird_," Risty May said. "I wonder what power I'd have?"

Envy shrugged.

Risty May entertained the thought of herself as a Homunculus, giggling over the idea. She wondered if her skin would be paled out, like Lust's had been. Probably. She'd have some kick-arse ability, and...what would her name be? With all the seven deadly sin names taken, she'd have to have a secondary sin name.

"Like Theft!" she said aloud.

"What?" Envy said, confused, as it had come from nowhere.

"Or maybe Harassment! Or Witchcraft!" Risty May giggled.

"Are we talking Homunculus names?" Envy said, still a bit lost.

"Oh. Yes. Sorry." Risty May couldn't help but laugh over all the crazy Homunculus names she might have. "I could be Embezzlement, or maybe Demon Worship, or, ah, what's that other one? Fornication! Or Drunk Driving! That's a sin too, right?"

"You're weird," Envy said bluntly.

Risty May stifled her giggles. "I know. I get like that sometimes. Sorry."

Envy shook his head. Risty May finally managed to stop giggling and composed herself. She glanced at Envy, who was staring off into space again. He appeared to be thinking hard.

"Profanity," he said.

Silence. Then they both cracked up.

"That's perfect! Thank you Envy!" Risty May said between laughs.

Envy put his face in his hand to stem the laughter. How the heck had he gotten caught up in her stupid human foolishness?

"I am Profanity, formerly the Explosion Alchemist!" Risty May cheered, quietly of course.

"Oh, shut up!" Envy said, but a laugh distorted the end and made it sound less like a threat and more like joking between friends. He instantly recognized that he was slipping and, worse, sort of enjoying himself. Her stupidity was funny, he grudgingly admitted to himself.

He _had_ to get someone else to take over, before she infected him with her stupid friendship blather. Envy immediately removed the humor and scowled, even while Risty May was still winding down her laughter. He got up and stalked down the stairs.

"Envy? What's wrong? Did I say something bad?" Risty May exclaimed, instantly sobering.

He made an annoyed noise in the back of his throat. "I'll be around," he said shortly, before taking off into the night, leaving her with no answer to her question.

* * *

Envy didn't return the next night, or the next few nights after, but that was all right. He had said he'd be around again. The last encounter with him had put a glow on Risty May's face. She was doing what she had thought was impossible. She was befriending a Homunculus. Envy, no less. How many fangirls would want to be in her position right now, she wondered as she collected two of Winry's toolboxes.

"You sure seem happy today," Winry commented when Risty May showed up with the toolboxes. She was at her worktable assembling an automail arm.

"Oh, it must be the great weather," Risty May said cheerfully.

Eight days after Envy's last visit, Risty May went on her first solo errand for Winry. She was to pick up a list of items in the marketplace for Winry. While she was out, Risty May planned to check out any bookstores. Winry had actually started paying her for her assistance, and Risty May carefully saved up every single cent...or cen. She was still a bit lost as to what the cens equaled in dollars. Economics was one of her weakest subjects.

At one of the shops that sold things like tools, the daughter of the shopkeeper greeted Risty May. "You're Lidia, Winry's friend, right?" the girl said.

Risty May nodded. "I'm trying to pick up a few things for Winry. Do you have, um..." She consulted her list and read a few things off to the girl.

"Oh, yeah, we've got those. In fact, I know just the types Winry will want," the girl said, smiling encouragingly. She had long brown hair pulled into a low ponytail and brown eyes, and was dressed for a day of work.

"Once you're done, come help me in the back, Sarah," the shopkeeper said, heading into a back room.

"Yes, Father," the girl, or Sara, said. She turned back to Risty May. "Here, come on, I'll show you," she said, stepping from behind the counter.

"Thank you so much, um, Sarah," Risty May said sincerely. "I'm not really the best person when it comes to mechanical know-how, so I appreciate the help.

Sarah laughed. "No problem. Right this way."

* * *

After a few hours tracking down and purchasing the items Winry requested, Risty May was happy to take a lunchbreak in a tiny little bakery. The smiling woman behind the counter took her order for a sandwich and a cup of hot chocolate, adding a Danish for free. When Risty May tried to protest, the woman insisted.

Risty May took a seat in the small dining room, finding a table for two near the window. There were only a couple of people in the dining room, one of which was a customer of Winry's that Risty May recognized. They waved at each other from their respective tables, and then Risty May happily dug into her food and drink. To occupy herself, she had brought along one of Ed's alchemy books. As usual, the text was so convoluted that Risty May skipped most of it and checked out the illustrations. Her eye caught on a simple-looking circle, which the text said was for specifically altering wood. Winry had plenty of spare firewood at home, which she let Risty May practice alchemy on. Risty May had done a lot of blowing up wood, however, so this circle might come in handy. Risty May traced it with her finger, resolving to practice drawing it when she got back to the Rockbells'.

"Is this seat taken?"

Risty May knew the voice was familiar, but couldn't place it until she looked up and saw Lust. She gasped. Lust was wearing a fur-lined coat which artfully hid her rather unusual attire and Ouroborus mark "Well?" Lust asked.

"Oh--no, no, of course not. Please sit down if you want," Risty May said quickly.

Lust gracefully sat down across from Risty May, crossing her legs at the knee and resting her arms on the table. "Envy couldn't come," she said as a conversation starter. "He had some business to attend to in Dublith."

Risty May glanced around, but there was only one other person in the dining room now, and they were as far across the room as they could get, buried in a newspaper. "You mean...going to get Wrath, right?" she guessed.

Lust looked surprised for a moment, but quickly recovered. "Yes. Of course you would know that."

So the series was going as it was supposed to. That knowledge relieved Risty May. "So you came to hang out?" Risty May ventured, hopeful.

"I had nothing better to do," Lust said. "How's the alchemy coming along?"

Lust sounded genuinely interested. "It's a little better than it was," Risty May said. "I'm still blowing things up a lot. I hope to get better soon, though."

"Hmm," Lust said.

Risty May nervously crossed and uncrossed her ankles. Somehow, making conversation with Envy had been easier. "So, umm...how is Envy doing?"

"Acting like a brat as usual," Lust said, running her fingers through her glossy, wavy hair. "I would swear he misses you."

Risty May blushed. "It must be something else," she said.

"Must be." Lust looked out the window for a moment, then spoke again. "So...how attached are you to this little town?" she asked.

"Hm? Um, well, it's a very nice place, really pretty and nature-y, I guess. Why do you ask?" Risty May asked.

"I was just wondering if you'd like to take a trip," Lust said.

Risty May's heart rose just as her stomach sank. Becoming friends with Lust was almost as exciting as becoming friends with Envy. But she couldn't shake a sense of it being dangerous to possibly go somewhere with her. "To where?" she asked, trying not to sound terrified.

"Oh, I don't know. I like to go from place to place, and it's more interesting with a companion," Lust said.

"Well...don't you have Gluttony?"

"He hardly counts as a companion."

That was true. More like a childlike, voracious, human-eating scary person. "Well, I do like to travel, but I kind of need to stay someplace where my friends can reach me, so they don't get worried," Risty May said.

"Hmm," Lust said again.

"But, um, don't think I wouldn't like to," Risty May said hastily, not wanting to somehow hurt Lust's feelings. "I just know that Ed and Zoe would probably go nuts if I just kind of disappeared for a couple of days."

"It must be lovely to have a bunch of people running your life," Lust said.

Risty May blinked in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Well, was it _your_ idea to come to Risembool?"

"Well, no," Risty May admitted.

Lust spread her hands. "Precisely. If you had to go into hiding somewhere, why couldn't you go to a place of your own choosing? Why let _them_ decide?"

"But they were just looking out for me," Risty May protested.

"If you'd like to call it that," Lust said, sounding slightly disdainful. She crossed her arms under her chest, making her cleavage even more cleavage-y, and leaned back in her chair.

Risty May looked down into her mostly empty mug, then back up at Lust. "Well...what would _you_ call it?" she asked.

"Controlling you. Keeping you on a leash. Telling you what to do. Making your decisions for you. You have a pick of things I'd call it," Lust said.

Risty May bit her lip. It was true that her parents and Zoe had always kind of made decisions for her. But that was because she had always been too timid and girly to make them herself. She had gotten stronger, tougher, braver now, but had that changed anything? Was she in control of her decisions?

She thought back to all the major decisions she had made recently. Coming to Risembool was Ed's idea. Hiding away in Al was Ed and Al's idea. Running from the military was Zoe's idea, though Risty May had been totally on board with that choice. Babysitting the Fuhrer's son had been Roy's idea, originally the Fuhrer's idea, though she'd stupidly walked right into that trap.

She almost couldn't bear to look any farther back, but she was fearing the pattern she was beginning to see. Even though a lot of the choices she had agreed with, they had all seemed to come from someone else. Hadn't she come up with anything on her own, besides using the chainletter that had started this whole mess?

Well, even that was EdwardsWife77's idea.

Risty May sighed heavily. "They're just trying to help me survive until I can find me and Zoe a way home," she said to Lust.

"Because you're incapable of helping yourself?" Lust asked.

"Well, no, but--"

"Hmm," Lust said again.

Risty May stood up. "It's not like how you're making it sound, okay? They're all really just helping me! I mean, I'm not really used to making decisions on my own anyhow!"

"And when will you ever learn, the way things are going?" Lust asked her, smirking.

"I'm sorry, but I can't talk to you anymore," Risty May said, quickly leaving. She ran all the way back to the Rockbells', fighting tears and her own doubts. Despite all her efforts, was she still just a weepy pushover who couldn't do alchemy? Was she getting anything accomplished at _all_?

* * *

Risty May brooded unhappily along these lines all day, and her work suffered a bit. Winry kept shooting her worried glances, but Risty May ignored them, not being her usual talkative self. She neglected a phone call to Zoe and headed upstairs to get ready for bed, still in a slump.

Half an hour later, clad in her creepy red pajamas, Risty May came back downstairs to hunt for her toothbrush. Winry was just heading for the stairs with one of her toolboxes.

"Oh, Lidia, would you mind taking this upstairs?" Winry asked.

"No problem," Risty May said, accepting the toolbox.

"You know, if something's wrong, it's okay to talk about it," Winry said.

Risty May nodded. "I know. Thanks, Winry," she said.

Winry gave her a concerned look, but turned around and went back into the room she had come out of without another word. Risty May sighed and headed back up the stairs.

Halfway up, her heart seemed to skip a beat. Suddenly Risty May's chest was seized with a terrible pain. She gasped and dropped the toolbox, falling onto her hands and knees. The toolbox popped open on impact, flinging out screwdrivers, hammers, nails, screws, a couple of wrenches, and other tool paraphernalia, all of which clattered down the stairs quite noisily.

Risty May couldn't cry out in pain. She could only gasp, clutching her chest. Black spots appeared in front of her eyes, but she wasn't seeing out of them at any rate. The pain was terrible, but it was strange. It didn't feel like real pain. It felt like something else.

For what seemed like no reason at all, a clip from the series flashed like rapid fire through Risty May's brain. Ed and Greed doing battle in Dante's mansion...Ed using alchemy to get the upper hand...stabbing through Greed's chest...Greed dying very theatrically, then melting into a reddish puddle...Ed clutching his head and falling down, screaming...

The moment swelled in Risty May's head until she felt like she was there. She could hear Ed's scream of horror clearly as though she were right next to him. Risty May released her chest and clutched the sides of her head, covering her ears. A scream worked its way up her throat, and her voice rose in horrific harmony with Ed's.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" she screamed.

She could sense the agony Ed was going through. He had killed someone. Sure, it was a Homunculus who was rather evil, but still, it was a life, and he had taken it. Risty May could feel the storm of emotions like she had been the one to kill Greed, and she could barely take it. Tears were already streaming double-time down her face.

_Ed! Ed! Ed!_ she cried over and over in her mind, squeezing her ears so hard that her fingernails dug into her scalp.

She knew that when he met with the others he would put on a game face, but for now she could feel his pain and agony like it was her own. And she didn't get why. It hurt so much that it felt like it would never get better.

_Is this what's happening right now? Is this where we are in the series?_ she thought wildly in the small part of her brain that wasn't reeling from the onslaught of emotion. _Why does it feel like this? What's going on?!_

Slowly, her real senses began to take over again. Ed and all his pain faded away, and the reality Risty May was in returned. She realized she was sobbing, and tears were running almost nonstop down her cheeks and dripping off her chin. Someone was speaking to her. She could feel hands on her shoulders, shaking her gently but firmly. She struggled to push through the residual fog to figure out where she was, and who it was.

"...dia! Lidia, answer me, please!"

"Say something! Come on, calm down!"

Risty May finally regained herself enough to open her eyes. Winry was kneeling in front of her, shaking her shoulders, looking scared and worried. Pinako stood on her left. They were at the bottom of the stairs. The odd tool or piece of metal lay near them.

"Lidia, what's wrong? What happened?" Winry asked, sounding afraid.

"I...I..." Risty May released the death grip she had on the sides of her head and started to wipe the tears from her face. "I just...u-um, had some of kind of vision, I guess." Did it count as a vision if it was happening at the moment?

"Are you all right?" Pinako asked. She sounded stern, but there was worry in her eyes.

"...Yes...I-I'm fine." Risty May forced herself to calm down. She wiped away the last of the tears and stood.

Winry stood with her. "What kind of vision was it, to get you screaming and crying like that?" she demanded.

"Just...er, nothing," Risty May said. "I probably shouldn't...I mean..." She didn't want to tell Winry, partly because revisiting it might trigger tears again. "I'll be okay. I'm sorry if I scared you guys."

Pinako hmphed through her nose. "I'm used to hearing screams like that in this house, just not this late at night unless it's an emergency," she said.

"I'm sorry," Risty May said again, rubbing the back of her hand over her eyes. "I'll-I'll pick this mess up."

"No, don't worry about it," Winry said promptly. "I'll take care of it. You go to bed."

"But I--"

"No buts. Go," Winry commanded.

Risty May swallowed hard and nodded, then quickly climbed the stairs, avoiding stepping on the tools she had spilled out of the toolbox. Her heart was thumping even before she made it into her room, and she closed the door and sat down hard on her bed.

Taking a big breath, Risty May clenched her fists in her lap, then closed her eyes. She tried to dig up the vivid memory, to her reluctance, wondering if she could return to that feeling of being beside Edward. If possible, she wanted to comfort him. But now that it had passed, it was as faded as any old memory, and she could barely even recall how her chest had hurt.

Now that she thought about it, it was more like her heart hurting. Risty May figured that if she had killed someone for the first time, it might hurt her heart. She tried again for another minute or so, then gave up and opened her eyes.

Slowly, Risty May lay down on her bed and covered up. She squeezed a section of the pillow in her hand, and tried not to think of what Ed might be going through right now. She wished so much that she could be there with him, knowing how hard it would probably be to compose himself after what had happened.

She hoped she didn't have nightmares tonight.

* * *

The next day, neither Winry nor Pinako mentioned the incident, for which Risty May was pathetically grateful. After breakfast she joined Winry at a workstation, where Winry was assembling an automail arm for a customer.

"His are the most difficult to make, because he's been having a lot of unexpected growth spurts, so every time he shows up, I have to lengthen his arm. I've lengthened his current arm as far as I'm comfortable with, so I'm making him an all-new one," Winry explained as she picked up several seemingly unidentifiable metal specks and seamlessly fitted them into the perfect places on the arm.

Risty May made the proper notations in Winry's account log. "So he's got to go through the whole remove-insert thing again?" she asked.

"Yep," Winry said, lifting off the forearm plate to check underneath.

The phone rang. Risty May looked up. "Want me to get it?" she asked.

"Sure, if you don't mind," Winry said.

Risty May hurried over to the phone and picked it up. "Rockbell Automail," she said in her professional voice.

"_I need to speak to Risty May_," a familiar voice said.

"Ed!" Risty May exclaimed. Behind her, Winry looked up. "I haven't talked to you in a while! How are you?"

There was a pause. "_I'm okay, I guess_," Ed said.

Risty May suddenly realized why he had paused. "Oh. Right. I guess that was a stupid question. Sorry," she said.

Ed laughed humorlessly. "_So I guess you know what happened, huh?_"

"Uh-huh." Risty May glanced over at Winry. "Winry, I'm really sorry, but could I...kind of talk to Ed privately, if it wouldn't make you mad?"

Winry pushed her chair back and stood up. "No problem," she said, too cheerfully, leaving the room. Once outside the room, she raised her voice to call for Den.

Risty May turned back to the phone. "Ed, that was last night, right? When you killed Greed?" she asked in a low voice.

"_Yeah, it was,_" Ed said, sounding bitter.

So she was right. Risty May decided to test her theory on Ed. "Please don't call me crazy, but...did it seem to you like I was there, for just a quick moment? If you didn't notice, that's okay--"

"_Actually, yeah, it did,_" Ed said. "_I thought I was going crazy, but it really felt like you were suddenly there._"

"I think it has something to do with our having swapped bodies," Risty May said. "Somehow we're connected by some supernatural force. That would explain why when Envy stabbed me that time, you fell unconscious."

"_I don't get it, though,_" Ed said. "_How_?"

"I dunno. That's as far as I got." Risty May hesitated, then plunged ahead. "Ed...how do you...feel?"

"_About as bad as I could feel at this point_," Ed sighed.

"I'm so sorry. I wish I could've been there."

"_No, it was better that you weren't. You didn't need to see that_," Ed said.

"I already have, remember?" Risty May pointed out.

"_Right. But I'm fine now. I'll get over it._"

"I hope so." Risty May bit her index nail. "Well, thank you for checking in."

Ed laughed again. "_No problem. Glad you aren't getting into trouble down there._"

"Right. Well, um, Winry probably wants to talk to you."

"_Actually, I've gotta go, or I'll miss the train. I just wanted to make sure I hadn't gone nuts._"

"Ed, maybe you should tell her sometime."

Ed was silent for another moment. "_Tell her what_?" he asked, sounding a little irritated.

"Anything. Everything. She's your best friend. I know it's not my job to pry, but maybe it's okay to trust one other person with some of these things, instead of leaving her agonizing over it. She would appreciate it," Risty May said.

Silence. Risty May, fearing she had overstepped her boundaries, plunged on. "I'm sorry if I upset you or offended you, Ed, but real true blue friends are a gift and a treasure and don't deserve to be shut out. Everybody needs somebody to confide in. I just...don't want you to take Winry for granted."

More silence. Risty May felt threatening tears at the thought that Ed might be mad at her.

"_I'll call later,_" Ed said before abruptly hanging up.

Risty May hung up the phone and burst into tears.

* * *

Ed: ...

Zilo: Okay, we're done!

Risty: ...

Envy: ...

Al: Um...I think they're shocked speechless.

Zilo: All the better! Check out the Omake, everyone!

* * *

**OMAKE THEATER  
**_Mary-Sue Takes The Exam_

One fine day in Central, a super-happy, clumsy, good-natured, rather random 16-year-old named May Reigh woke up with aspirations to pass the State Alchemy Exam. Since it was a sunny day, and subsequently a good day for a Mary Sue to accomplish anything, she cheerfully rode her moped to the military Headquarters and joined the dozens of men and women who had trained rigorously for half their lives for this day.

The first part of the exam was a written exam. May joined the other men and women who had trained rigorously for half their lives for this day in the exam room and took a seat. A thick stack of papers was dropped in front of everyone who had trained rigorously for half their lives for this day. May got a thick stack too.

"Begin!" said the official.

May grabbed her paper and filled it out like so.

_Name: May Sue Reigh, AKA May, Sue, or Makiko-san!  
__Age: 16  
__Hometown: Wonderland, CA_

_Question 1: Why do you want to be a State Alchemist?  
__Because it's cool!_

_Question 2: What kind of alchemy do you specialize in?  
__Anything and everything pretty! I can use alchemy to turn deadly weapons into pretty, fluffy, and/or sparkly stuff. And whenever I perform alchemy (BY CLAPPING MY HANDS AND NOT DRAWING A CIRCLE) sparkles and flower petals fly all around me!_

_Question 3: What are the components of a human body?  
__Wait...I know this one...skin, bones, blood, organs, hair, and that hard stuff that makes your finger and toenails! Oh, and a soul._

_Question 4: How would you feel about mass genocide for the sake of military orders?  
__Ummm...well, that's not really all that great. I'm sure I could find a way to make peace!_

_Question 5: Yeah, well, what if you COULDN'T?  
__Er...then I'd probably resort to being the official snack-maker for the troops, so I wouldn't have to kill anyone!_

_Question 6: Please describe your life story in a small essay of no less than 100,000 words. The angstier, the better._

Needless to say, May had her work cut out for her.

**To Be Continued...I Think**

* * *


	28. Mistakenly Villainous

Zilo: Before you ask, no, I didn't forget you! But it's that time of year when people are really busy…  
Envy: Do you have some sort of file for all these excuses? You use a new one every time.  
Zilo: SHHHHHH! It's a lie!

* * *

Zilo: Thanks to **The-Living-Shadow**, **chiyochan**, and **fullmetalshadowwolf** for reviewing!

Zilo: SHARE IT WITH ME, **ARDEN** **ANAM**!  
Risty: Please don't share it with her!

Zilo: WTF categories are fun, right, **Wandering Hitokiri**?  
Envy: WHAT?!  
Ed: Wow. That's…disgusting.  
Zilo: Sure thing! (unceremoniously kicks **WH**) Don't be a slacker, like me!

Zilo: **agent000**, I think we're having a communication breakdown! And yes, I definitely agree that my writing's improved. I rarely ever look at the earliest chapters unless I need them for reference or something. But feel free to point out annoying things, because it sucks when nobody tells you that you suck, right?

Yes, I nudged you. I e-mail-nudged you again too. But now I've also forgotten what it was for…not unusual, I forget stuff often! I'm trying to update regularly, but life and work keep interfering! Doggone it! Anyway, have a good one, see you next time!

Risty: I was thinking on my feet, **Colonel Bastard**, at least that's what I tell myself!  
Zilo: It would be fun to write a 1-shot with OC Homunculi bugging Envy and them…  
Envy: No it wouldn't…  
Risty: Yes, he did!  
Envy: I can laugh if I feel like it! I laugh evilly, don't I?  
Zilo: If Light Yagami dared to hurt Risty May I'd have his demonic-chuckling head!  
Ed: Wouldn't he just do the same to you, though?  
Zilo: …  
Ed: Thought so.

Zilo: **Asj Johnson**! That's happened to me. I'll think I slept all night and it'll be, like, two hours later.  
Lust: Of course we don't think about it. It's a part of who we are.  
Envy: And I already said I don't like pain in the show.  
Zilo: Manga too! And you know how fangirls are—no brains!  
(Zilo is later attacked and mobbed in the parking lot by angry fangirls)  
Zilo: You'll see later, but RM and Ed's mysterious connection will play a part! And I'll probably continue that specific Omake. It was fun to write!  
Zoe: But she was so annoying!  
Zilo: Exactly the appeal!

Zilo: **Arktos**! (hugs while crying) I missed you! WHERE DID YOU GO?! And thank you so much! I usually suck at romance-y stuff, but I did work pretty hard on it!  
Ed: (grumbling) …At least I was still in character, kind of.  
Risty: Me too!  
Zoe: Which is exactly why I said it!

Envy: It's not a problem, **tiggeranddash**, because we're USING her to--  
Zilo: HSHSHSHSSHHHHHHH! Don't ruin my carefully-thought-out plot!!

Envy: Don't pat me!  
Zilo: Hi, **Little Patch of Heaven**! I actually drew Risty in an outfit kind of like that…muahaha…  
Lust: Of course I'm your favorite. I'm the best.  
Envy: I beg to differ.  
Zilo: THANK YOU! HOPE THE WAIT DIDN'T TOTALLY SUCK AND STUFF…

Ed: What are they talking about?  
Zilo: Dunno. Hi, **Marie blaze** and company!  
Zoe: IT WASN'T THE DEATH NOTE! Otherwise I'd have put a mask over my head and strangled Yagami in his sleep…  
Risty: I can see where they got the idea, though!  
Zilo: Maybe I should do this again and see how many people accuse Light Yagami…  
Risty/Ed: NO!!  
Zilo: Aww, Ed cares for Risty!  
Ed: (blushes, scowls, fidgets, finally punches a wall and turns his back)  
Zoe: Yeah, that's man body language for "You're right, I do".

Zilo: Yay! Cake from **Synneofthesun**! (devours a slice)  
Gluttony: I can't have cake…?  
Ed: A squirt bottle?! I'M NOT A DAMN ANIMAL, JEEZ!

Zilo: Phew! Hi, **Half Human Homunculi**!  
Envy: …  
Ed: Why would my butt be…?  
Zilo: (frantically waving hands) It's, uh, the power of an easily-grossed-out authoress? Yay! My eyes are healed!  
Lust: (face heals from punch) …Don't do that again…  
Zilo: Yay, maimability! It's spifftastic!  
Risty: Thank you so much for your concern!  
Zilo: Really? You think so? OMG YAY THAT IS A SUPER-DUPER COMPLIMENT! HOORAY! (hugs HHH) RISTY! PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR NAME FOLLOWED WITH "xEd"!!  
Others: …(speechless at Zilo's insanity)

* * *

**CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT: Mistakenly Villainous  
AKA "Don't Become Depressed (It Leads To Bad Choices)"**

"_My God_," Zoe sighed. "_Well, this just takes the cake. So I guess there were some residual effects with you bodyswapping with Napoleon after all, huh_?"

"That's what it looks like," Risty May sighed also. "Man, this is really complicated."

"_Tell me about it_."

"Well, enough about what's going on with me; how are you doing, Zoe?" Risty May asked.

"_Bleh. Not much is going on. I didn't do anything today but walk around Central and get mowed over by a secondary character_," Zoe answered.

"What secondary character?" Risty May asked.

"_I don't remember her name. It's something weird, and maybe Russian? Anyhow, she had short brown hair and green eyes and glasses_."

"That's Scieska. What happened?"

"_I was minding my own business jogging through this neighborhood when she plowed into me. She looked kind of upset, and she had been carrying all these books and files. I helped her pick them up, and she thanked me and took off like the cops were on her tail_," Zoe said.

Risty May's brows furrowed. Why would Scieska be running around like that? If her memory served her correctly, the only time Scieska had needed to fear for her life was when she was investigating what had led to Hughes' death, and when she was trying to prove that Juliet Douglas was an alien. But why...

"_Hey, Risty May? You got quiet on me_."

"OMG!" Risty May blurted. When Scieska had been investigating Juliet Douglas, Winry had been with her. That was one of three episodes Risty May had only seen once, so her memory was a little hazy on what had happened. But she was pretty certain that Winry had been there. "Winry's _here_!" she exclaimed.

"_...Uh, yeah, and_?"

It couldn't be. It was impossible. How was the storyline deviating from the original? Risty May gnawed nervously on her index nail. Winry should be in Central right now, if Scieska was in trouble, helping her to somehow get away and smuggling her to Risembool.

_What if...what if the series is starting to change because of me? OMG, what if I did something to alter it?_ Risty May thought wildly.

"_Risty May, say something, will you? You're making me nervous_," Zoe said.

"Zoe, there's something I need you to do," Risty May said quickly.

"_What is it_?" Zoe asked, picking up on the urgent tone.

"You've got to save Scieska. She'll be killed by the Homunculi if we don't act soon."

"_Wait, WHAT_?" Zoe demanded.

"You have to! Winry was supposed to be up in Central, but for some reason she's here in Risembool! Somehow things are going terribly off track, and it's my fault! You've _got_ to get Scieska out of Central before they get her!"

"_Oh, jeez, are you kidding me? I have to go play hero_?"

"If Scieska dies because of me I'll never forgive myself!"

"_Okay, okay! Don't be so dramatic, please! I'll go and see what I can do. But how am I supposed to rescue her if the almighty Homunculi are after her_?"

"Smuggle her to Risembool as quickly as you can. That's how it went in the series, I think. And bring yourself, too," Risty May said firmly.

It took Zoe a few moments to respond. "_Okay. I'll give it my best shot. I guess that whole not spoiling thing backfired somehow, huh_?"

"I guess. I'll make sure to tell Winry you're coming." Risty May swallowed, hard. She had divulged information to two different people, but had been precisely vague about everything. Certainly that wasn't the cause of this deviation? "Please be very careful, Zoe. The Homunculi are dangerous."

"_I figured as much_."

* * *

The next night Risty May called Zoe and got no answer. A lump of dread formed in her stomach and refused to go away all the following day. She went on another shopping errand for Winry, trying to stay focused on her work, but the consequences of her actions continued to gnaw at her insides.

Somehow this was all her fault. She was the only variable in this situation. Somehow, her telling Izumi and Envy about future events had caused this. If something happened to Scieska, or worse, Zoe, their blood would be unquestioningly on her hands.

With that in mind, it was difficult for Risty May to concentrate. She returned to the house with everything Winry had requested and mechanically worked throughout the day. That night she attempted to call Zoe again. The phone rang and rang, and no one answered. Risty May was about to hang up when the line clicked.

"Zoe?" she cried excitedly. "Is that you? I was so worried!"

No response. Risty May's excitement faded, and worry set in. "Zoe? Are you okay? Is this you, Zoe?"

"_I'm sorry_." Zoe's voice came through the line very weak and pained.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Risty May cried.

"_I tried, b-but..._" Zoe grunted in pain.

"Zoe!" Tears bloomed in Risty May's eyes. "Tell me what happened!"

"_They...found us here and...Scieska's dead, but I...I played possum till they left. I...gotta call the hospital..._"

"Zoe, I'm so sorry!" Risty May wailed. "I'm so sorry! I'm so, so sorry, I swear!"

"_I'll be fine_..." Zoe's voice was slowly fading, getting softer. "_Just lemme...call someone...I'll be..._" Her voice dropped off.

"Zoe?!" Risty May cried.

The phone clattered on the other line, then nothing.

"Zoe!" Risty May screamed. "Zoe, NO!" She dropped the phone and backed away, tears streaming down her face. Now what had she done? Her stupid interference had cost two people their lives. And now her best friend was dead.

Risty May put her hands over her mouth, then turned and fled, ignoring the presence behind her.

* * *

On the other end of the line, Envy put the phone back on the hook and surveyed the room, hands on his hips. It was an award-winning performance, he said to himself smugly, but they always were. If only he had actually been able to kill Risty May's stupid friend, that would have been even better. But she had gotten away, along with that Scieska girl. Too bad.

However, things were going along smoothly. Sloth would be in Central, ready to do her part. It would have been Lust, but Lust was too busy aiding and abetting the Elrics in Liore to be on board. A minor fly in the ointment. Envy opened the window and easily hopped out, landing on a nearby tree branch.

* * *

"You still look like a scared rabbit," Zoe commented, shifting around to try and find a comfortable spot on the train bench. Failing at that, she pulled one leg under her. "Try smiling. It works wonders."

"Sorry, but I can't help it," Scieska said, sitting across from Zoe in the train booth, her hands in her lap. "You kind of freaked me out."

Zoe shrugged. "At least we're both alive and kicking and running to exile, right?"

"Uh, sure. Would you mind explaining all of this to me again?" Scieska asked, glancing out the window at the dark sky and then back to Zoe.

Zoe sighed. "My best friend sees the future. She told me I had to save you from getting mauled by Homu—er, some really bad people. So save you I did. It's a good thing, too, because I don't know if you were supposed to die or not."

"And you're...how old?"

"Seventeen."

Scieska sighed and sat back. "And so we're going to Risembool to stay with friends of your seer friend, right?"

"Yeah. She said she'd tell them about it, so we're cool."

"This is really very odd. I didn't know the Fuhrer's secretary being an alien was such a dangerous secret."

"Yeah, if only _that_ were it," Zoe said, settling with her arms behind her head for a nap.

* * *

Risty May ran as fast as her legs would carry her. Her bare feet slapped the dirt as she ran, tears running into her mouth and ears and hair. She wiped her face furiously, sobbing. What had she done? What had she done?

_This is all my fault,_ she thought as she tearfully continued to run in no particular direction. _Zoe and Scieska are dead. Zoe is dead. It's all my fault._

Her feet continued to carry her along, even after she started to get short on breath. Risty May didn't want to stop running, because then she would have to face what her carelessness, her stupidity, her airheaded fangirl ideas, had done. If only she could run for the rest of her life. Or just run right off a cliff, since she was such a danger. It was lucky she hadn't gotten Ed and Al killed. But the series was deviating, so who knew what would happen at this point?

Risty May didn't even notice she was running up an incline until she reached the top. She stumbled and fell, her forehead smacking something upright and rock hard.

"Ow!" she squeaked, in the midst of her tears. Slowly, rubbing her forehead, Risty May sat up and opened her eyes to see what she had run headlong into.

_Trisha Elric_ stared back at her forebodingly. Risty May sucked in a breath, realizing she had unconsciously run right to the grave of Ed and Al's mother. She sat with her legs tucked under her and faced the stone, hands in her lap, tears still silently falling.

"Hi," she said weakly.

The tombstone said nothing back.

"You're probably wondering why I'm sitting on your grave," she went on, her voice cracking.

No answer.

"I'm kind of running from my problems right now," Risty May said. "I'm too ashamed to face them. I sent my best friend to her death, and I got another person killed too. And Ed and Al are probably going to die because of something I did. Now that I think about it, I've been staying with the Rockbells for a month, so they'll probably end up dying too." More tears leaked from her eyes. "Th-This is nothing like the fanfictions, you know!" She then put her face in her hands and started to cry again.

"For all the good I've done, maybe I should've just been a bad guy so I could be thwarted," she said through her tears. "I feel so horrible, Miss Trisha! I feel--I feel--like the worst kind of backstabber! I don't know what to do anymore! I can't get home, I can't stay safe, I can't keep the people around me safe, so what good am I?"

The tombstone said nothing to solve her problem. Risty May bent double, her head pressed into her knees, and cried until she was spent. She then quietly remained where she was, wishing Trisha's grave would open up and swallow her before she got anyone else hurt.

Finally her back and legs complained loudly enough to get her attention. Risty May stiffly unfolded, rubbing hard to get the dried tear streaks off her face. The sky was lighter, so Risty May assumed dawn was on its way. She wondered if Winry and Pinako were worried about her.

Slowly she stood, feeling her knee joints pop. She wanted to go back and curl up in her bed, but she was afraid to. What if the Homunculi decided to come and kill them all?

She looked in the direction of the Rockbell home, and then turned back to the tombstone. She stepped around it, not sure where she planned to walk, but just wanting a moment to attempt and clear her head.

Her third step got her bare foot entangled in a runner of grass. Risty May tripped and went tumbling down the hill. She landed at the bottom with a muffled "Yah!"

Nothing happened. Risty May got up and brushed off her borrowed sweatpants and her scissored shirt. The suspenders she had been using to hold up the pants had long fallen off her arms and now lay looped around her waist. She pulled them back into place and removed some grass and dirt from her hair.

"I'm a mess," she sighed.

"That's relative, you know."

Risty May jumped and whirled. A few yards away, in the shade of a small clump of trees, stood a familiar pale figure, dressed for work. "Miss Douglas," Risty May said, then corrected herself. "I mean, Sloth."

"Yes." Sloth took a couple of steps forward. "I couldn't help but hear you ranting to the grave up there."

"Yeah--I'm--um..." Risty May sniffled. "I guess I'm kind of depressed. You guys keep killing people and stuff."

"It's our job," Sloth said. "You sound as though you're a bit confused about your purpose."

"No, I know what it is," Risty May said. "My purpose was to never set foot in Amestris in the first place, so I couldn't screw it up." Tears brimmed again, surprising her. She had thought she was spent. "I miss home," she found herself saying.

Sloth looked sympathetic. Risty May remembered how Wrath had latched onto her as a mother. It made sense, aside from Wrath's own psychopath reasons. Sloth, despite being an evil murdering Homunculus, had the look of a mother about her. Or maybe it was four months of not having her own mother around that made Risty May think so.

"C-Could you just...I don't know, drown me or something maybe? So I'm not causing anymore trouble?" Risty May asked pathetically.

"That would be a waste of a useful talent," Sloth said.

"Useful to who? It sucks," Risty May said.

"You only think that because you haven't used it properly yet," Sloth said. She moved closer. "I heard you up there--you said it would be better if you were a 'bad guy',"

"Yeah, so the good guys could stop me," Risty May mumbled.

Sloth spread her hands. "Perhaps you had the right idea. About changing sides."

"N-No, I couldn't--"

"Think about it. Your friends--what's left of them--would be out of danger. You wouldn't be alone anymore. You and Envy could talk anytime," Sloth said. "And, Dante is a master alchemist. She could certainly find a way for you to return home in exchange for your assistance."

Risty May's head snapped up at this. A way home? Was it possible? Even as she doggedly studied alchemy, or tried to, and told everyone she was "looking for a way home" she had begun to lose hope. But it was true, Dante was a master alchemist. Was it possible...?

"But...I'm not supposed to be...I mean, I'm supposed to be against you," Risty May said, trying to mount a defense.

"And that hasn't done you very much good," Sloth said.

"Ed would hate me if I helped the Homunculi," Risty May mumbled.

"Wouldn't he hate you more if his childhood friends the Rockbells were killed?" Sloth pointed out. "I heard you mention that as well."

Risty May sniffled. She was out of ideas. And at least Envy would be there. If nothing else, maybe they could end up friends after all, and get thwarted together.

Sloth had moved closer, and was now within arm's reach of Risty May. "Maybe you don't have to be motherless for much longer," she said.

Tears spilled out of Risty May's eyes and down her cheeks. What would her mother think now, if she knew that her girly daughter was responsible for at least two people's deaths, and maybe more in the future? "What if she doesn't want me anymore?" she whimpered.

Sloth's arms closed around her, and Risty May understood the appeal Sloth had to Wrath. Hugs were awesome. She burst into tears again and buried her face in Sloth's chest, pretending it was her own mom, one who would accept her despite what she had done to two innocent people. Maybe this was the road she needed to take, if she would have any chance of saving Ed's life.

"I'll-I'll do it," she said through her tears.

* * *

Zoe: ZILO! YOU ARE DEAD! (chases)

Zilo: Eep! (runs away)

Envy: Damn, Sloth, you've really got it good with the kids, don't you?

Sloth: Yep.

Risty: You know, I really don't like where my character is going...

Ed: Now you finally see why we dislike your cousin.

Lust: All of you readers get out.


	29. Getting In The Right Lifeboat

Zilo: I'M BACK!

Ed: …And you're yelling, why?

Zilo: Aw, shut up!

* * *

Zilo: Many super-special-awesome thank-yous to** agent000, Synneofthesun, Little Patch of Heaven, RikaxSetsuna, Namikazelil **(200th reviewer!!), **Wandering** **Hitokiri** (100th reviewer!), **KageArai, HeeHeeHee, AOA, Half Human Homunculi** (300th reviewer!), **tiggeranddash, Marie blaze, fullmetalshadowwolf, Katrina Eagle, Colonel Bastard, sunshineemomix, Asj Johnson,** and **SqueakerDee** for reviewing!

Zilo: Yay! **agent000** likes my work! You don't know how hard I worked to make Risty's Face Heel Turm believable! I was still doubting it a bit even when I posted the chapter. I'm glad it went well!

I suppose I understand...it would be tough to advise on something you can't see, so I won't try and make you or anything like that! But is it possible I can still run ideas by you? Like, "So-and-so is about to do such-and-such to fill-in-the-blank, what do you think?" That would require you knowing a little ahead of time some twists and junk in the plot.

Mmm…yay! I shall do as you say (I kind of planned that anyhow) And I'm counting on you to keep me non-annoying!!

Risty: (gets smacked with Fai plushie) Ow… (holds head)  
Zilo: Hey, **Little Patch of Heaven**!  
Envy: Just try hitting me, you little…  
Zilo: I dunno! Let me see…(whips out Death Note and writes Envy's name in it)  
Others: …  
Envy: (falls to the floor 40 seconds later)  
Zilo: I'm so glad you like! I'm going to be ultra sad when the story ends, but there will be a sequel, remember!

Zilo: (shakes **Wandering Hitokiri** to get her out of her stupor)  
Zoe: See? Even Annota agrees, it was a bad idea!  
Zilo: It's for the suspense, I swear!  
Library Denizens: What do we do? Do we tell her to quiet down? Or do we collectively pretend not to hear?

Zilo: Heeheehee…  
Zoe: What's so funny?  
Zilo: No, that's the reviewer's name! **HeeHeeHee**! Welcome!  
Ed: Exactly! Risty, listen to this person!  
Envy: (has revived) Of course I'm delightful and funny. That's a given.

Envy: …(lays on the floor)  
Sloth: …(lays in the kettle)  
Risty: (hugs **Half Human Homunculi** back) This switching thing is really hurting my self esteem…  
Envy: (revives) Why the hell is everyone trying to kill ME? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!  
Zilo: Psshh, yeah right! (backs away when Envy glares at her)

Envy: STOP IT, DAMMIT!  
Zilo: Hi, **tiggeranddash**!  
Sloth: I doubt you could kill me.  
Izumi: I certainly plan to.  
Envy: I SAID STOP!

Zilo: Hi, **Marie blaze** and company! I'm pretty sure Roze eats normal food. And her baby drinks breast mil--  
Ed/Risty: GAH NO!!  
Zoe: You guys are so immature…  
Envy: I knew exactly what I was doing. Don't question my tactics!  
Zilo: VIVA LA VIDA!  
Others: …  
Zilo: What? It looked like fun! OOH, CHOCOLATE! (writes "Envy dies")  
Envy: HEY—(dies)  
Zilo: Can I have the chocolate now?  
Ed: If I'd known THAT was what it took…! Damn, I could've gotten you chocolate!

Zilo: I'll protect you, **fullmetalshadowwolf**! (looks down) Oh…wait…Envy has to stay dead for me to get the chocolate…  
Risty: Zilo, that really isn't right!  
Zilo: (shrugs) But look, you survived! Hooray!  
Ed:…Whatever.

Zilo: That's just the way it is, **Colonel Bastard**.  
Scieska: Why?!  
Zilo: I dunno, it just is!  
Risty: Well, if it makes a nice arc…  
Zilo: You're welcome! Here's the next part!

Zilo: So as you can see, **Asj Johnson**, a whole heckuva lot of things have been altered!  
Risty: The question is, will they get put back?  
Zilo: Actually, the biggest question is, if RM CAN put them back, WILL she? Or will she try to change things even more? Or will she let Dante corrupt her?  
Risty: You've got it exactly right. Sloth thought I was saying I wanted to be a bad guy to do bad stuff, but I really wanted to be a bad guy so the good guys could beat me.  
Zilo: Ah, those idiot Homunculi!  
Homunculi (except dead Envy: HEY!!  
Zilo: Oh, man, that would make such an awesome 1-shot!! (jumps up and down) If you don't do it, then I want to try! Or, even if we both want to do it, maybe we could do it together, but that's TOO good an idea to pass up!  
Sloth: …I don't want you analyzing my life.  
Zilo: Nonsense! It's what fanfic writers DO! That does sound like a lot of stuff, good luck with it!

Zilo: Hi, **SqueakerDee**! And welcome! Thank you SO much! Reviews like yours really make my day. (Especially when people say they like my OCs, as opposed to wanting to drop them off a cliff) I hope to see you around some more!

Random Note: Zilo does have a picture of Profanity the Homunculus, but she hasn't scanned it onto the computer yet. She also has half-finished a comic which depicts a scene from the _sequel_ of The Switch Glitch. Once those two are scanned and linked, Zilo will share the links with everyone.

* * *

**CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE: Getting In The Right Lifeboat  
****AKA "Don't Lose Your Head Or Snap At Your Elders"**

_Two days later_

"This...is it?" Scieska said in disbelief.

Zoe looked around at the rolling green hills, the nice healthy trees, the waving grass, and the absolute lack of people. "Well, yeah," she said, turning her gaze back to Scieska. "What'd you expect? It's a small town in the middle of nowhere."

"Hmm. Somehow, I just thought there'd be _more_," Scieska said.

"Better than whatever's waiting for us in the afterlife, since we weren't totally murdered by freaks, right?" Zoe said.

Scieska sweatdropped. "Um...I guess that's right. So...where do these Rockbells live?"

Zoe opened her mouth, then closed it. She tried again, but closed her mouth. "Um, I don't know," she admitted, her cheeks flushing.

"Say what?" Scieska exclaimed. "Then how will we get there?!"

"Don't get your underpants in a knot," Zoe said, striding confidently off the train station's deserted platform. "We'll just find someone to ask! In towns like these, everyone knows everyone, so it'll be no sweat!" she said over her shoulder.

Scieska hesitantly followed. "Okay, so where are the people we'll ask?" she asked logically.

"Hey, dammit!" Zoe snapped over her shoulder. "Quit being a pessimist, will you? We'll find someone!"

"But I was just..." Scieska started, but gave up when Zoe ridiculously started to hum loudly. She sighed heavily.

"Excuse me, are you from around here?" Scieska looked up to see Zoe speaking with a man, apparently one who had gotten off the train as well. He was tall, had long blond hair pulled back in a ponytail, and wore glasses.

The man nodded. "Okay, so, can you tell us where the Rockbells live?" Zoe asked.

"Rockbells?" the man mumbled, stroking his stubble. "Ah, yes. Go down this road here...take a right..."

"Not so fast, Grandpa," Zoe said sarcastically, using a pen to scribble in shorthand on her arm.

When he finally finished, Zoe walked back over to Scieska, throwing a "Thanks!" over her shoulder. "Okey doke, Bookworm, let's hit the road!" she said.

"Actually," the man started to say, "I'm on my way in that direction myself..." He didn't get to finish his sentence, because Zoe had grabbed Scieska by the arm and was now towing her down the road at a brisk pace.

"Hey! What are we hurrying for?" Scieska asked.

"We're hurrying for food, shelter, fugitive-ism, and because I miss my friend," Zoe said. "Which are all great reasons, so get the lead out!"

"Get the lead out of what?" Scieska asked confusedly, not familiar with that particular slang.

Zoe sighed. "It means 'let's walk faster'. Jeez."

* * *

When they made it to the Rockbells' home, Zoe practically melted in relief. It had been a whole month since she had laid eyes on Risty May, and it had practically driven her nuts. She led the way up to the front door, Scieska following, and knocked pretty hard.

"It's a nice house," Scieska commented, craning her neck so she could examine the yellow house.

"Yeah, it's all right," Zoe said absently, tapping her foot as she waited for someone to come to the door. When no one did for almost a minute, she knocked again, louder.

Scieska looked around the sprawling yard. "Maybe they aren't home," she said.

"Oh, God, I hope you're wrong," Zoe sighed, knocking again. "I really don't want to just sit out here waiting for--"

The door opened. Zoe jumped back, startled, and bumped into Scieska.

Pinako Rockbell stood at the door, pipe in one hand, Den beside her. "How can I help you ladies?" she asked, her sharp eyes looking them over.

"I'm Zoe," Zoe said. "Risty May's friend. The one she's always on the phone with. And this is Bookwor--er, Scieska. Risty said she would tell you we were coming," she said.

"Hmm," Pinako said. "Well, come in." She turned around and walked back inside.

Zoe's brows scrunched. "'Hmm'? What does 'hmm' mean? That was a kind of loaded 'hmm'. Who died?"

"You're pretty perceptive," Pinako said as Scieska closed the door behind herself.

"What's going on?" Zoe asked.

"As it turns out, your friend went missing two days ago."

"WHAT?!" Zoe bellowed.

Scieska winced and covered her ears. Den barked. "Calm down," Pinako commanded in a no-nonsense tone.

"What do you mean 'went missing'? Where'd she go? What happened? Why the hell didn't anyone call me?" Zoe yelled.

"If I had the answers, you'd know," Pinako said sharply. "All we know is that the night before last she was on the phone. Winry heard her yelling something, and she sounded upset. Then she heard the front door slam before she could come into the room to find out what was wrong."

"Who did she call?" Zoe exclaimed.

"She called you."

Zoe started. "Me?" She put her chin in her hand. "But...the night you're talking about, I was on a train with Scieska. I wouldn't have answered if she called me."

"Whomever picked up your phone upset her enough to make her run out the door at ten o'clock at night," Pinako said.

Zoe put her face in her hand and tried to fight back the angry hysteria that threatened to overwhelm her. "Dammit, just when I thought we were in the clear," she ground out as she wheeled and stalked to the front door. "I'll bet those damn Homunculi have _some_thing to do with this. If I ever see that little skirt-wearing freakazoid again I'll stuff him in a trashcan, that little--" The rest of her words were lost as she slammed the door behind herself.

Scieska and Pinako stared at the door for a moment, then Pinako turned to Scieska. "So, since I'm letting more fugitives in, how about telling me why _you're_ in hiding?"

"Oh," Scieska said sheepishly.

* * *

Zoe remained on the porch for a good while, fuming and trying to sort things out. The only explanation she could come up with that it was Envy's fault. Ed had said that Envy had impersonated her before--maybe he was in her room when Risty May called. But what could he have said to upset Risty May so much? What on earth would cause her to run away and disappear?

"Dammit!" Zoe yelled, punching the railing on the porch steps. "Why can't I have any answers? This sucks!!"

"Uh...excuse me."

Zoe blinked and looked up. Two people were standing in front of her. One, a woman with short black hair, blue eyes, and a mole under her left eye. The other, a man with hair that looked like Ed's, only minus the braid, dressed like a tourist. "Oh, uh, how can I--what do you want?" Zoe asked.

"This is the Rockbell residence, right?" the man asked.

"Yeah, who's asking?" Zoe demanded, belligerent as always.

The woman took over. "I'm Lieutenant Maria Ross, and this is Sergeant Denny Bloch. We're--"

"The _military_?!" Zoe sprang to her feet, fists clenched. "How'd you get here so fast? How'd you find us? You'd better have guns, because otherwise I'm going to kick your--"

"Calm down, please," Lieutenant Ross said, holding her hands up. "We're not here to arrest anyone. We just need to speak to the Rockbells."

The door suddenly opened, and Winry stepped out. "Zoe, are you out--oh." She stopped, surprised at the sight of the two military officers. Her head tilted. "Lieutenant Ross?"

"You know them?" Zoe asked Winry.

"Can we talk?" Maria asked.

* * *

Risty May had assumed that, when she went with Sloth back to Central, she would need to be smuggled in, since she was technically a fugitive. It didn't really click until Sloth just walked her right up the steps and through the doors of Headquarters that she was now working _with_ the people who she had been hiding from. Any of the officers who looked at her curiously received a glare from Sloth. One even went out of his way to ask if that was they girl they had been looking for.

"Yes, and as you can see, we found her," Sloth said sharply.

The officer figured out that he was supposed to shut up and saluted himself out of there.

Risty May just kept her eyes on the floor, following Sloth's sensible work shoes along the carpet. _Working with the people she had been hiding from. _That still made her shiver. So she was technically a bad guy now, right?

But that didn't really matter. Bad guys were bad guys because they did bad stuff and put people in danger, and wasn't that what she had been doing? So it didn't matter.

Risty May had been thinking along these lines for the better part of two days and had practically brainwashed herself. Even so, when they approached the Fuhrer's inner office, she felt a chill and hesitated a few feet away.

"He won't bite," Sloth said, looking at her over a shoulder. "He's been informed of the situation."

Risty May swallowed hard. "This isn't, like...an elaborate trap, and he's not waiting behind the door with six swords to stab into me, is it?"

Sloth smiled a little. "No. If we had wanted you dead, I could have done it myself. You're fine." She then turned and opened one of the doors, motioning with her hand for Risty May to walk through first.

Swallowing again, Risty May made her feet move forward, and entered the Fuhrer's inner office. Sloth came behind her, closing the door.

Fuhrer King Bradley, AKA Pride, Homunculus runner of the country, was there, sitting behind his grand desk. "Well, what do we have here?" he said, looking and sounding deceptively friendly as usual.

"She's agreed to work with us," Sloth said.

"Is that so?" Pride asked Risty May directly.

Still intimidated, she looked down at her feet, which were still bare. "Um...yes sir," she said meekly.

Pride chuckled. "You've made an excellent choice," he said, coming from behind the desk. "We are successfully moving into the final stages of our plans, so it's best to align yourself with us now."

Risty May wanted to dispute this, but then she remembered that the series was now off-track, and maybe he was actually right. The thought depressed her even more, and she said nothing.

"Well, come along, then," Pride said, walking away. Sloth nudged Risty May, and she straightened up and followed the Fuhrer through another door, and then over to a large bookcase that stretched to the ceiling and covered half the wall. In a very movie-cliché move, Pride reached up and pulled on the stem of a wall lamp, pulling it down. The bookshelves parted to reveal the secret elevator. Risty May knew exactly where that led. The lion's den, in essence.

"After you," Pride said, motioning grandly to the elevator as its cagelike doors slid open. Risty May's insides clenched with fear, and the urge to run was strong.

_What have you got to fear? You're a bad guy now._

With a big breath, Risty May stepped into the elevator. Sloth joined her. The cage-doors slid shut behind them. Pride waved cheerfully as the bookcases slid closed, and with a stomach-dropping jar, the elevator began to move down.

_Straight to hell,_ Risty May thought.

* * *

It wasn't really hell, because hell did not have such comfortable temperatures, Risty May was pretty certain. But as the elevator moved downward, she felt her fingers clenching and unclenching nervously. Even if she was a bad guy now, she was still a new one, so it probably made sense that seasoned bad guys were scary to her.

When the elevator finally came to a smooth stop, Risty May turned to Sloth, hoping she would lead the way, just in time to see Sloth change into a figure of water. Risty May started and stepped back as Sloth reformed, only with her darker hair, paler skin, deep purple clothes, and of course, slitted violet eyes. "Come on," Sloth said as the elevator doors opened.

"Um, yes," Risty May said in response. She clasped her hands together and automatically reached up with both to squeeze her necklace. But was it right to ask for courage to be a bad guy? Risty May let the necklace go and looked down at her feet, forcing herself to follow Sloth's hem out of the elevator.

Risty May almost didn't want to look, but since that would probably result in her tripping and falling, she forced herself to look up. Her head came up just in time to see Wrath--she winced--practically tackle Sloth the moment they stepped out of the elevator. "Where have you been?!" he demanded, just like a whiny child missing their mother. He wrapped his arms around her waist.

"You know I had to go take care of some things," Sloth said, bending down to hug him.

Risty May looked away, having the sense of intruding on a moment. Her eyes wandered over the room, which was familiar. It was that front room Envy made a crater, unless the series' deviation had done away with that too.

Wrath released Sloth and seemed to notice Risty May for the first time. "Who are _you_?" he demanded of Risty May, invading her personal space to stare at her.

Risty May gasped, startled, and quickly backed off. She had never liked Wrath in the series. Not for a second. He had always driven her nuts, and she thought he was annoying, and more annoyingly evil than almost all the other Homunculi. She had liked him much better in the movie, when he grew up and mellowed out and stopped trying to hijack people's bodies and mothers and lives.

"She's here to work for Dante," Sloth said.

"What? What good is she?" Wrath demanded. "She looks pretty lame and useless to me."

Risty May was not in the mood to be insulted. Her anger relieved some of the depressed lethargy she'd been feeling. "Looks aren't everything," she said. "If they were, then you'd be in a lot of trouble." She wasn't the best at trash-talking, since Zoe usually took care of that, but she was willing to give it a shot if it got Wrath off her back.

Unfortunately, it didn't. Wrath whirled on her. "What did you say to me?!" he demanded, looking pissed. "I don't think you know who you're messing with, you stupid girl!"

Sloth sighed and put a hand to her forehead. "Wrath--"

"I know _exactly_ who I'm messing with!" Risty May snapped back. She had a general idea of what Zoe might say in this situation and decided to run with it, minus the swear words, of course. "You're a whiny, very annoying, very fanciful little punk kid who's running around with somebody else's limbs!"

"Why, you--!" Outdone and outraged, Wrath lunged at Risty May, fist cocked to punch. Risty May jumped back, tripped over her own foot, and somehow pulled the entire thing together as a weird dodge. She ended up on her butt, but at least Wrath's punch missed. He stopped and turned, looking angrily stunned that he had missed.

"_And_ you hit girls. You're a jerk," Risty May added, standing up.

Wrath clenched his teeth angrily, like he was about to snarl, and started to move forward again.

"That's enough," Sloth said to him sternly.

Wrath slowed and stopped, but still glared at Risty May.

The sound of doors opening caught their attention, and everyone turned to see Dante, now in Lyra's body, come through a set of double doors to the right. "It sounds very lively in here," she commented lightly.

Sloth bowed. "I've brought her," she said, indicating Risty May.

"So I see." Dante turned a smile onto Risty May. "It's so wonderful to have you here, dear," she said, extending her arms in what was obviously supposed to look like a welcoming gesture. "You've changed since the last time we met."

"I'm less girly," Risty May said helpfully, watching her warily.

"And I'm less old. So we've both been busy." Dante crossed the room. "Won't you come with me? I'll show you where you'll be staying." She stared up the wide, curving staircase at the end of the room. Risty May followed, with Sloth bringing up the rear. Wrath glared after her.

Risty May felt weird about this, so she uncharacteristically decided to point it out. "I'm not going to make a break for it, and I'm not going to shove some pointy object in Dante's back, if that's why you're coming too," she said to Sloth.

"I don't doubt that," Dante answered for Sloth.

"Where's Roze?" Risty May asked.

Dante paused for a minute, then kept walking. "Of course. It shouldn't surprise me that you know. I suppose then you also know my plans for her?"

Risty May nodded. "I know all the stuff you're going to do," she said. _At least, I did before stuff started changing,_ she thought.

"Me as well as everyone else. I think we're going to get along beautifully," Dante said.

Even as a bad guy, Risty May doubted that.

* * *

The room was huge. The bed was huge. The bathroom was huge. The clothes were--surprise!--old-fashioned. _Victorian era, right?_ Risty May thought. Sloth stayed by the door while Risty May took a shower and then, having nothing else to put on, reluctantly donned the dress and shoes that had been laid out for her. The floor-length dress was blue and white, with olive trim, sleeves that changed to white lace at the elbows, and a corset-like bodice that forced her relatively underdeveloped chest to produce cleavage.

"Are you supposed to be my babysitter? Warden? Person-watching-me-so-I-don't-do-something-stupid-or-get-into-trouble?" Risty May guessed while trying unsuccessfully to adjust the low neck so her cleavage didn't show.

"Maybe," Sloth replied, escorting her down another giant hall. She gestured to another set of doors. "Lunch is in here," she said.

Risty May passed a hand over her eyes. For a bad guy, she sure was uncomfortable being in the presence of other bad guys. When she opened the doors, all thoughts of that flew from her mind.

The room was, as usual, huge. A white table with matching chairs sat in the center. Sitting at the table in a purple and white dress, holding her baby and looking like a perfect zombie, was Roze. Even knowing that she was here somewhere didn't prepare Risty May for the shock of meeting her face-to-face. She held in a gasp and walked into the room. Sloth closed the door behind her.

"Roze," Risty breathed, hurrying to the table. Roze was staring at a point on the far wall, looking like she had been recently hypnotized. Her baby, wrapped in a blanket, was asleep in her arms.

"Roze?" Risty May said again, right next to the girl.

No response. Risty May sighed heavily and took the seat across from her. A bunch of lavish food was laid out, but she really wasn't hungry.

"You look like me when I don't get enough sleep," Risty May whispered meekly.

Roze said nothing.

"Don't you know what's going to happen? Don't you care? How the snarks did you get in this condition?"

Nothing.

Risty May looked down at her lap. This was too much, much too much. She had known what Roze would be like--she'd seen the last episodes at least six times. It wasn't a surprise. But it was similar to when Izumi had started to cough up blood in front of her--actually being there, actually coming face-to-face with it made it so much more real. And so much more horrifying.

She squeezed her hands in her lap. Beneath her fingers, the fabric of her dress felt soft and nice. She'd never worn anything so pretty. _I bet my allowance Roze's dress feels just the same to her. But she probably doesn't even notice. Soon she'll be dead._

Risty May risked a glance back up. Roze's empty gaze was surprisingly terrifying. Risty May sucked in a breath and snapped her eyes back down to her lap. _Don't think about it,_ she told herself. _Just don't think about..._

Her thoughts stopped. Why not think about it? What was she trying to avoid?

Her mouth trembled as she let the unspeakable thought filter into her mind. _Dante is going to steal this girl's body and kill her in the process. She is going to basically destroy the world for the Philosopher's Stone. And_--Risty May gripped the dress tighter--_she'll do it again and again. She's been around 400 years. How many girls' bodies has she stolen? How many girls had their dreams crushed, their lives stripped away, lost everything through no fault of their own?_

_I know I'm supposed to be a bad guy, but how can I possibly sit here in this nice dress and just let this happen?_

Tears welled in her eyes. _Ed's dad--Hohenheim--he's done the same. But he saw the light and stopped. Maybe he didn't quite grasp how morally awful it was, but he realized it wasn't his place to try and live eternally. Dante will never realize that. She'll keep on stealing bodies and killing girls, forever and ever and ever. She'll never stop. If the Homunculi get killed, she'll make more._

Roze's baby made some sort of noise in his sleep. Risty May squeezed her eyes shut. _Roze's baby. What will Dante do with Roze's baby?_

_No. No. This isn't right. This can't--I just can't stand by and--I mean, sure I'm a bad guy now, but this is--this is--I just can't--_

Risty May clutched her head. It was starting to hurt. But at the same time, the fogginess she had been under since learning of Zoe's death started to clear. She realized that she needed to think about these things.

_Dante will wreck the world. And if I--if I help her--if I don't put up any resistance--I am just as guilty. It'll be like I helped kill Roze, and every other girl whose body gets hijacked by Dante._

It was like she had been underwater. She had let herself get drowned in her exaggerated depressions, let herself believe the worst, and condemned herself. Then Sloth had come along and offered hope, a dark hope. Like a drowning idiot, she had grabbed onto a lifeboat that had holes in it and was pointing the wrong way.

But now, seeing Roze in this state had woken her up. It was like she had raised her head out of the water. Risty May forced herself to look up. She met Roze's eyes, which obviously did not see her.

_I was dumb. Really dumb. I made some mistakes, and they were terrible, and they got my best friend killed._ Risty May winced at admitting that to herself, but forged ahead. _I made mistakes, but I did NOT do them maliciously. All along I wanted to do good for everybody. I screwed it up a lot, a whole lot, but being a screw-up does not make me a bad person. Bad guys do bad stuff and hurt other people, it's true, but they do it on purpose, to achieve their own evil plans._

She took a big breath and let it out. "I am _not_ a bad guy," she whispered. "I am a clumsy, oversensitive, misguided, wishy-washy, error-prone good guy. But I _am_ a good guy."

She had let her emotions get the best of her. Again. This time, worse than ever. But now, she had forced herself to face the painful truth. It hurt terribly, it ate her insides, to think that her mistakes had gotten Zoe killed. But she could kind of grasp now that that did not automatically make her evil. She was seeing clearly again. And better yet, she was inside. She could wreck Dante's plans from the inside, make absolute certain that Dante did not win.

And maybe, just maybe, if the series was already on an alternate track, she could make a happier ending for Ed. And Al.

Risty May looked Roze squarely in her blank eyes. Wary that Sloth might be listening outside, she whispered to the other girl, barely using any sound.

"I'll help the good guys win."

* * *

Risty: (in tears) Th-That was really moving, but why did you have to do that to me?

Zilo: Only for drama, cousin. You know I think you're totally awesome and untaintable by evil.

Risty: R-Really? (sniffles gratefully)

Envy: Gag. Barf. Die.

Zoe: If ONLY.

Ed: (throws hands in the air) I thought this story was supposed to be funny!

Zilo: Touching moments are IRREPLACEABLE, no matter how funny!

Al: Have a good day, everyone?

Greed: (reading from cue card) "Har-har-har, read the Omake"? This line is...well, it sucks.

* * *

**OMAKE THEATER  
**_Mary Sue Takes The Exam  
The Unfortunate Continuation_

After the written exam, May frolicked happily around the courtyard as everyone else tried to get feeling back into their fingers. Then they started getting called in, one by one, to THE EXAMINATION ROOM.

When it was May's turn to go into THE EXAMINATION ROOM, she threw on her lucky pink gloves and her lucky coat, which was an exact replica of Ed's only it was pink and the flamel was made of sparkles, and happily skipped to THE EXAMINATION ROOM. She sang, "Lalalalalaaaaaaa!" to the doors, and they opened at the sound of her beautiful voice.

"Hello!" she called out cheerfully into the dark EXAMINATION ROOM. A bright light shone down on a chair made up of slender, carefully crafted gold bars, with a single leg that branched into three tiny prongs the only thing holding it upright.

"Please have a seat in the chair," one of the blue-uniformed ominous men in the shadows said, well, ominously.

However, when May saw the chair, she reacted much like Azusa Shiratori from Ranma 1/2. "Awww, it's so cute!" she cooed, skipping over and hugging the chair. "I shall call it Lala-Ru!" Which is a copyrighted name, but what do Mary-Sues care for copyrights?

"Ah...please sit in the chair instead of hugging it," another of the figures in the shadow said.

May gasped. "Sit on Lala-Ru? Have you no mercy?" Big, sparkly tears formed in the corners of her mood-ring-like eyes, which then turned blue to indicate that she was sad.

"Awww," half the guys in the shadows said.

"All right, forget the chair," said one of the guys in the shadows, who we can identify as Fuhrer King Bradley, who was definitely NOT hiding anything behind his eye patch. "Just answer a few questions. Why do you want to be a State Alchemist?"

May patted Lala-Ru's seat as she considered. "Well, er, I, uh, I forgot my notes!" she said, in an incredibly cute moment of ditziness. "Would you gentlemen mind if I asked my highly intelligent, completely tame, wickedly awesome chimera-girl to bring them in?"

Silence. "Er, that would be fine," Bradley said uncertainly.

"Yay!" May skipped to the doors, lalalalalaaaaa-ed them open again, and stuck her head out. "Miao! Could you hand me my sparkly spiral notebook?"

A girl who looked completely human except for her cuddly cute cat ears and tail bounded in. "Here you go!" she said before bounding out.

"Okay, here they are!" May said, turning back around.

All the men in the shadows stared at her slack-jawed.

**To Be Continued...If I'm Not Shot First**


	30. A Plan And A Speech

Zilo: OHMYGAHD, EVERYONE! WE'VE HIT 400 REVIEWS!

Envy: Which gives you the right to BLOW OUT OUR EARDRUMS?!

Zilo:...SURE, WHY NOT?!

* * *

Zilo: **ARKTOS**! YOU'RE BACK! (hugs happily) Thank you kindly for the concrit. Yeah, Risty May says "OMG!" in real life too, that's why it's there. Sorry for Trisha's mixup. Anyway, hooray! Writing Envy's and Risty's conversations is fun, but I'm also toeing a REEEALLY thin line because I want it to be as canon and believable as possible. And as for Risty and Ed's link...I look forward to writing more stuff about that, too! Thanks for coming back!

Envy: COURT me? What the hell?  
Zilo: Uh...thanks for not shooting, **Colonel** **Bastard**?  
Risty:...I'll come up with something!

Risty: Thank you for complimenting me, **fullmetalshadowwolf**!  
Envy: Psh. Whatever.  
Greed: Just give me another second...  
Zilo: Yeah! You guys should hurrah me better!  
Cast: Whatever.

Zilo: **Wandering** **Hitokiri**! SNAP OUT OF IT! (shakes **WH**)  
Risty: I'm glad I figured it out before I did something awful on purpose!  
Zilo: Well, I'm sure the killing thing makes it harder...I need an update so I know what happens!  
Ed: You can wait like everyone waits on you!  
Zilo: Untrue! I spoil my readers!  
(Several laughs of incredulity follow)

Zilo: Yay, **Synneofthesun**!  
Envy: Here I am. (proceeds to walk off)  
Mary Sue: Don't kill me! I'm too precious to the cast, lalalala!  
Cast: NO YOU'RE NOT.

Zilo: **Arden** **Anam**, **KatrinaEagle**, thanks for reviewing! Oh...hwoo...(fainst at size of **Asj** **Johnson's** review)  
Zoe: Ah, jeez, guess we've got to fill in...  
Hohenheim: I was headed in that direction because my house was the same way. There's a few more roads in Risembool, enough that a body needs directions at times.  
Zoe: Yeah, all that stuff you said about the characters, that sounds right.  
Risty: It's not that I hate Wrath, really! I just don't find him very appealing. He's kind of annoying and things...  
Dante: I'll never tell, of course.  
Risty: Yes, exactly! And that's how I won the West—I mean, turned back to the side of good!  
Zoe: Mood rings never work on me, because I get too cold too fast, so I don't even like them anymore.  
Zilo: (revives) It matters because he DOES! See, irony? Muahaha!  
Envy: ...You should've stayed unconscious if that's the smartest thing you have to say...  
Zilo: Yay, thanks for such a long and awesome review! Woohoo!

Zilo: Hi, **Squeaker**-**Dee**! I'm glad you like it!  
Wrath; Well, they SHOULD like me because I rule!  
Risty: It's nice to stand out for things!  
Zilo: I hook you and pull you in so you can't look away until another chapter arrives! Your stomach rumbles with hunger, and your limbs hang heavy, but your darkly-circled eyes can't remove themselves from the screen until an update is br—  
Zoe: That's enough.

Zilo: **Glogwi**! Congrats!  
Ed: This story is chock full of spoilers, you know that right?  
Envy: I am NOT borderline evil, I'm (bleep)ing evil through and through.  
Zilo: No cuss to the kiddies!  
Envy: Shut up.

Mary Sue: **agent000** just doesn't understand my complex perfection!  
Zilo: Whatever! Yes, Risty was a silly, but it make for a great cliffhanger, right?  
Dante: Whatever she does, I'm winning.  
Risty: No way! Good will always triumph!  
Zilo: Or WILL it? (evil laugh)  
Others: ...

Bradley: ...Of course I don't have rabies. That's absurd.  
Zilo: But how might we know? Maybe **Little** **Patch** **of** **Heaven** is right! When was the last time you bit somebody, HMMMM?  
Bradley: ...  
Zilo: Ooh, I cried too! It was so sad...  
Envy: Hell NO.  
Zilo: I've never seen Sweeney Todd, or read it or whatever, so I can't agree or disagree!  
Lust: I wouldn't put my hair in pigtails anyway.

Zilo: WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT TO KILL ME? HUH?  
Risty: Hi, **Half** **Human** **Homunculi**!  
Ed: I had an identical reaction.  
Zilo: BE HEALED!

Zilo: Don't be scared, **13Lulu's**! The Sues are safely confined!

Envy: (regenerates) DAMMIT, STOP!  
Zilo: Don't totally kill him, **tiggeranddash**! I still need him for a bit!  
Sloth: It's good you finally realized.  
Wrath: Well, I don't like you either!

Zilo: **UnbornHope**! Welcome! I'm glad you started reviewing now! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm glad you like it!  
Envy: Your senses can tingle all they want. It won't happen.  
Zilo: But it would be FUNNY!  
Envy: No, it wouldn't.  
Wrath: I don't like people prying in my business, but keep on not hating me! And then I probably won't hate you!  
Zilo: ...But anyway, yay! It would probably be fun to be a baddie, at least until they're thwarted, but Risty's just not cut out for such a thing.  
Zoe: Damn right!

Zilo: Hey there, **CrimsonRozeAlchemist**! Envy's explanation is he always knows everything, but I think it's because he's a spy-guy!  
Envy: ...Yeah, that...  
Zilo: Please do keep reading!

Zilo: **NAMIKAZELIL**, YOU HIT YOUR SECOND HUNDRED! YOU'RE FLIPPING AWESOME!  
Ed: Er, hope the homework's going well...  
Zilo: Gasp! Ed complimented you! YOU'RE AWESOMER!

* * *

**Hundreth Reviewers**

**100:** Wandering Hitokiri

**200:** Namikazelil

**300:** Half Human Homunculi

**400!:** Namikazelil

**Other TSG Stats:** 132,751 words, 70 faves, 5 C2 Communities! Thank you so much, everyone!

* * *

Zilo: Whew! We're at 30! You know, I had originally planned to end this several chapters ago...

FMA Cast: Then why DIDN'T you?

Zilo: I like to write?

FMA Cast: (all anime fall)

Risty: Here's Chapter 30!

* * *

**CHAPTER THIRTY: A Plan And A Speech  
AKA "Don't Swear Or Encourage Someone To Beat Up Their Dad"**

Zoe remained outside on the porch steps a while after Winry warily let Maria Ross and Denny Bloch in. Her thoughts were on Risty May, and where she might be now. Was it possible that Risty May was...?

Quickly, Zoe shook her head side to side. Her blond hair, which was grown out so it now fell to her chin, whipped around with the motion. "No, Risty May _isn't_ dead," she said emphatically. "I'd know. Somehow I'd just know. She's still out there."

The door behind her suddenly slammed open. Zoe twisted around in time to see Winry come barreling out, looking a little bit angry. Scieska was right behind her. "Winry, wait!" she was saying.

Zoe wisely squished herself against the porch steps' railing as Winry stomped down the steps and took off down the hill. "Where are you guys going?" Zoe called to Scieska as she passed.

Scieska glanced back, but kept hurrying after Winry. "The lieutenant just told us that Colonel Mustang and his team are on their way here," she said.

"What? How come?" Zoe asked.

"Ask them!" Scieska said, already too far away to launch into a proper explanation.

Zoe sighed heavily. Had she known, she would have bothered to sit through the whole series with Risty more than that one time a year ago. And even then, she'd mostly slept, ate snacks, and texted through the marathon. "How the hell would I have known it would be so important?" she grumbled as she turned to the door which hadn't been closed.

Maria was on her way out. She squinted into the distance and sighed. "Why on earth did she run off so fast when she heard about the colonel?" she said, mostly to herself.

"Why's he coming here?" Zoe asked.

"Don't you know?" Maria said to her, looking surprised. "It seemed everyone had the same idea that the Elrics would come to the home of their childhood friend."

Zoe blinked. "Napol--I mean, Ed and his brother are coming here?"

"It's the only logical place, since they're on the run from the military," Denny said, joining them outside.

Zoe gasped. "What?! Them too? Why?"

"There was an incident in Liore," Denny started to say, but Maria elbowed him before turning back to Zoe, who hadn't noticed his comment and was still talking. "Good God, what is this, a freaking fugitive club?"

"We could be wrong, but it's likely we're not," Maria said. "So, since you didn't come here to head off Ed, what did you come for?"

"Smuggling Scieska," Zoe said matter-of-factly.

"From who?" Denny asked.

"Uh, murdering fiends?" Zoe said, a little sarcastically.

Maria and Denny exchanged glances. "Hey, I know that look," Zoe snapped, her usual contempt for authority figures beginning to affect her tone. "My lips are sealed. Just be glad the murdering fiends weren't after you, capiche?" She sat back down on the steps and sighed heavily.

After a few moments, she was surprised when Maria sat next to her. "You seem like something's weighing heavily on you. Want to talk?" Maria asked kindly.

Zoe stared at her for a moment. In her experience, most people in authority didn't care what was wrong with you, so long as you did what they said because _they said so_. It was the lack of that attitude that had drawn Zoe to Rose Fernandez. And here it was again in this woman.

Well, she was military. Which meant she could sic the rest of her pals on this little town. It might be easy to find Risty May then, but wouldn't they put her in custody? And then what?

"You don't have to if you don't want to," Maria said.

"Well, I don't _trust_ you," Zoe snapped out. "You're military. My friend is a fugitive. You'd have goons all over her."

"'Goons'?" Denny repeated from behind them, to himself.

"Listen," Maria said, "I know that all isn't well inside the military. I can't exactly figure out what, but there are certain people who are..." She hesitated.

"Dirty? Fake? Corrupted? Murdering fiends?" Zoe supplied.

"Maybe all of that and more. If you'll remember, Edward's a fugitive now too, and the last thing I'd do right now is turn him in."

Zoe eyed her warily. "Won't you get in trouble?"

"Who doesn't every once in a while?" Maria said, shrugging.

"Yeah, but that could be, like...your job. Isn't failing to report a fugitive some felony or something?"

Again, Maria shrugged. Zoe was stunned. A dull _boom_ caught their attention, and they looked up to see a small cloud of smoke rising over the trees to the left.

"What's that?" Denny asked, shading his eyes with a hand.

"No idea. Maybe an accident?" Maria guessed.

They watched the smoke slowly dissipate over the trees, without hearing anymore weird sound effects.

"She's just 15," Zoe suddenly started, "and the military's not chasing her for the reason they're broadcasting. It's because, er...certain murdering fiends think she's got this power, and they want to use it, so they're trying to nab her. We--Ed and Al and me--shipped her down here because we thought she'd be safe, but something happened a couple days ago that got her upset and she ran off." She clenched her hands into fists as she spoke. "And nobody knows where she is."

Maria watched her sympathetically. "And she's your friend?" she said.

"Best friend. More like my little sister. I mean, she used to be kind of...well, I don't know, like some fragile doll or something, so I always stuck up for her. Then she got here and started changing on me, like growing up and getting stronger...but she still needs help. I'm just so pissed that I let her out of my sight!" Zoe put her hand to her forehead. "I mean, her mom asked me to watch out for her. Great job I'm doing," she sighed.

"I'm sure you'll find a way to reach her," Maria assured her.

"Yeah, I hope--" Suddenly Zoe gasped and straightened up. "That's it!"

"What's it?" Maria asked, noting the change of mood.

"Napoleon," Zoe said, obviously to herself. She looked relieved. "Like she said on the phone. Maybe..." She trailed off and frowned, squinting a little at something in front of her.

Maria followed her gaze and saw a man approaching the house. Natural instinct put her on alert, but she didn't move from her position.

"That's the guy from the train," Zoe said.

"What guy?" Maria asked.

"Slow-talking Grandpa. I guess he was coming over here, too."

* * *

After a long moment of staring at Roze who stared off into space, Risty May sighed and got up. Her legs were starting to go stiff from sitting in one place so long. She carefully bundled her skirts above her knees and did a few quick stretches to get the life back into them. Once that was done, she self-consciously dropped the skirts.

"Roze?" she said softly.

Of course, Roze didn't answer. But her baby stirred, and started to whimper.

"Oh--! Roze! Your baby!" Risty May said worriedly, hurrying to the girl's side. Would she be too out of it to tend to her child?

Fortunately, this wasn't the case. Roze returned from wherever her mind had been sent, just enough to note her baby's discomfort. She lifted the baby from her lap and rocked it back and forth.

Risty May heaved a big breath. "So you're not totally gone," she said in relief.

"Not...gone..."

Risty May gaped in utter shock. Roze had spoken! "Roze?" she said excitedly. "You're there? You can hear me?"

Roze didn't answer, only closed her eyes and smiled as she rubbed her cheek against her baby's forehead.

"Are you..." Risty May tilted her head, one hand on the back of Roze's chair. The baby still didn't seem too appeased, and he crumpled his little face.

"Ohhh, don't cry!" Risty May begged. "Your mommy's just right here! She's not a _complete_ zombie!"

The baby whined, as if he knew this but it wasn't enough. Risty May started to chew on her index nail. What if the baby cried? Dante wouldn't abuse the baby or something, would she? Or let one of the other Homunculi do so?

"Um...how about I sing you a song my mom sang to me every night, and whenever I got cranky?" Risty May suggested.

The baby squeezed his eyes as tightly closed as he could, like he were about to bawl.

"That looks like a yes! Okay, then!" Risty May swallowed hard and tried to remember how the song started. It slipped her mind. The baby started to make faces, so she jumped in wherever she could remember.

"_My baby girl, in bows and ribbons, bibs and laces, all the trimmin's, all the things a baby girl could need_," Risty May started singing quickly.

The baby opened his eyes and stared at her like she was nuts. Roze continued to rock him obliviously.

"Okay, so you're not a girl, but--" The baby made more faces "--Okayokay! _Highs and lows and ins and outs, what would this mama do without, the little baby girl that I need._"

The baby seemed appeased, and resumed staring.

Risty May smiled encouragingly as she launched into the next verse. "_A fit or two, a bit of mess, the crying's loud, how high's the stress, but there's no mama wouldn't press, to see that baby smile_."

She closed her eyes and pretended she could hear her mother singing it. "_And even if my hair turns gray, I'd still do it every day, 'cause I'm a mama and I say, "No denial! I'll take the fits and take the mess, the sleepless nights and all the stress, 'cause it's really worth the rest, when it's my baby girl and me_."(1)

Risty May opened her eyes, and they filled with tears. She had adored that song when she was little. She remembered her mother telling her about singing her the song every night when she was an infant, up until she turned five, and it came to the point that if Rose didn't, Risty May would go looking for her and ask for the song. As a cute present on her tenth birthday, Rose had given her the "copyright" of the song, saying she could use it to sing when she had a baby girl.

"But there'd better be a husband next door!" Rose had said sternly, then she smiled.

"I wonder if I'll ever get to be married?" Risty May thought aloud, tears streaming openly down her cheeks. She looked down at Roze's baby, and saw that he had fallen asleep.

* * *

Zoe had never had a bigger desire to hurl in her life. If she had known this was going to happen, she would have gone on and knocked Grandpa unconscious at the train station. Her mistake.

Slow-Talking Grandpa's name turned out to be Hohenheim, and he apparently used to live here but had left some time ago, considering Pinako's shocked reaction at seeing him. That didn't bother Zoe so much, but it was the fact that he and Maria were currently sitting at the table on the porch, and he was _flirting_.

Zoe clutched her head and hung it over the railing on the other side of the porch, as far away from the despicable scene as possible. What had it been, an hour? Even Denny hadn't been able to take it--he'd staggered off sobbing or something. Pinako had found several reasons to go into the house and never come out. Zoe was about ready to try climbing the roof and committing suicide. But she didn't want to miss it if Ed came here. If her theory was correct, he might be able to help her find Risty May.

_Risty May, I hope you know how much I'm suffering for you,_ Zoe thought. Her lip curled when Hohenheim said something about Maria being _such_ a lovely woman. "Hurl," she muttered. And here she had thought that Maria was a shining exception, perhaps like Rose Fernandez. But no, she was blushing and giggling and acting like a moron, like all the other adults in Zoe's life. It was shameful.

She turned around, keeping her eyes off the spectacle, and seriously considering kicking Hohenheim in the face to make him shut up. Why couldn't he go home and stop ruining her life?

Hohenheim said something else Zoe was tuning out, and Maria sounded genuinely flattered. Again. "I can't take this," Zoe sighed, clenching her fists and starting to walk towards him. However, before she could complete the trip, a dark blur flew out of nowhere, ran up the steps, and jumped on Hohenheim.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING _FLIRTING_?!"

With a pretty impressive entrance, Edward, looking a little on the deranged side, had coldcocked Hohenheim right in the face. With the automail, no less. Zoe gaped for a moment, stunned, as Hohenheim fell over the railing on the other side of the porch.

"Wha--? Edward, what--?" Maria said, completely flustered for a new reason now.

Ed wasn't done, however. He ran up to the railing and glared over it. "You disappear without a word for ten freaking years and then come back and make me look at _that_?!" he bellowed in pure Ed fashion.

Zoe sweatdropped as she made it to Ed's side, hands in her pockets. "Uh...so you know this guy?" she said, noting out of the corner of her eye that Al was walking over to where Hohenheim lay on the ground.

"Unfortunately!" Ed barked. He suddenly leaped over the railing, and Zoe watched in mild fascination as he descended, automail foot first, and landed squarely on Hohenheim's stomach. Apparently Hohenheim had mentioned something about his height. Ed, of course, proceeded to rant.

"Ed, hold on!" Maria protested, having taken Ed's place at the railing.

"Go for the shins!" Zoe called down.

* * *

Risty May had stayed with Roze all day, not bothered by anyone. She tried many more times to get a response from Roze, all unsuccessfully. Roze only seemed to wake up when her baby started to cry or complain, and she would rock him and get him to go back to sleep, and in essence go back to sleep herself.

Eventually, Risty May ended up falling asleep with her face on the table. Several hours later, she was woken up by someone roughly shaking her shoulder.

"Hey. Get up," another familiar voice said.

Risty May blinked drowsily, strands of her hair stuck to her face. A little puddle of drool marked the table where her mouth had been hanging open. "Mmmmuh?" she mumbled sleepily.

"Get _up_, you stupid..." There was a sigh.

Risty May blinked, and then it clicked. She sat up abruptly and turned to Envy. "Envy!" she said in a tone that was a weird mix of fear, relief, suspicion, anger, happiness, and fangirliness.

Envy raised a brow. "Your face looks like crap," he commented.

"Oh. Sorry." Risty May pulled the strands of hair out of the creases they had imprinted on her face and tucked them behind her ears. "Sorry," she said again, wiping her mouth.

"Whatever," Envy said. "So. Finally got wise and joined us, huh?"

"Um..." Risty May was about to automatically deny it when she remembered the state she had been in when she had been brought here. _How the snarks did I let myself get so depressed?_ "Uh...yeah, okay," she said slowly. Trying to avoid Envy's gaze, she glanced around the room. Since there were no windows, she had no clue what time it was. "Where's Roze?"

"Elsewhere. Get up," Envy said.

Memories of Envy escorting her into Dante's presence before raised unbidden, and Risty May shivered. She remembered thinking she would never look at Envy the same again. Had she really forgotten all of that? "Um, are we going somewhere?" she asked tentatively, standing and hearing her knees pop.

"Yeah. Dante wants to use you--or, needs your assistance," Envy said, already tugging her by the arm.

It was like deja vu, sort of. Risty May let him pull her out the door and down the hall. "So, ah...how have you been?" she asked, trying to start a conversation.

"Shut up," was Envy's answer.

Risty May cringed, but for some reason, she didn't want to, and decided not to. "It was only a question," she said as calmly as she could. "If you don't want to talk, you can just say so. You don't have to be--"

"And you can _shut up_," Envy snapped without looking at her.

Any friendliness she had imagined before, when he had come to visit her, was now gone. Risty May felt her stomach drop, like whenever she went down in an elevator. She remembered Envy's words clearly.

_"Envy, what do you like to do?"_

_"Kill humans....Manipulate them....I tortured a few, too..."_

"I get it," she said, in a way that was somehow quiet and also loud.

"Get what?" Envy asked, sounding utterly bored.

"On that night, I had said to myself that you came to see me for a reason. You told me yourself that you only killed and manipulated and tortured humans. I thought there was no hope to be your friend because you'd spent 400 years doing that stuff." Her voice became wavery at the end, and she forced it to sound calm. "And I said to myself, 'but Envy hasn't killed me, and he isn't torturing or manipulating me, so maybe there's hope!' But I was wrong, wasn't I? You didn't actually hurt me, but you were manipulating me. You didn't care about being my friend ever."

Envy didn't even reply, which made Risty May mad and also scared her. "It's true, right?" she said, now unable to stop the tears that came to her eyes. "You just wanted me to come here. You wanted me to...to trust you or something. And I almost did! I really, really wanted to be your friend, and you knew and you used that and manipulated me. I don't mean anything to you, right?"

Still no answer. In a fit of boldness, or insanity, Risty May pulled her arm out of his grasp, a little surprised he had actually let her. The tears broke and slid down her cheeks. "What did I do?" she asked, her voice breaking and cracking all over the place. "Why couldn't I be your friend? I mean, I know you hate humans, but it's not my fault I was born like that. I never even--"

Envy turned around and slapped her.

Risty May fell on her seat, her cheek stinging awfully. Even a regular old slap from Envy hurt like a full-on punch to the face. Envy loomed over her, glaring, his fists clenched and vibrating with anger. "You're right," he hissed. "You mean absolutely nothing to me. You and your whiny little attempts at friendship. You're a filthy, stupid human, and just like I hate all the rest of your kind, I hate you. You have it exactly right."

As he said it, venom coated every word, obviously meant to pierce her heart and tear her to pieces. But as she looked up at him, the tears stopped flowing, and she wiped away the few that fell. And she politely waited until he was done to stand up and reply.

"Then why did you only slap me?"

Envy started, caught off guard for once.

"I'm sorry you hate all humans," Risty May said. "And I'm sorry if I wasn't convincing enough to be a good friend. But you're the one who helped me come up with a funny Homunculus name. I bet after 400 years of practice you're a really awesome actor, but you actually laughed with me. And...I don't know, maybe all of it wasn't acting?"

Envy just glared at her. Then he spoke, slowly and deliberately. "I could use one hand to kill you. Remember? Crush your brain, snap your neck, rip out your heart. I could cut off all your limbs and let you bleed to death. I could break every bone in your body--"

"Then please go ahead!" Risty May burst out. Her fist was clenched around her necklace. "Please, go ahead and mangle my vital organs! If I didn't do any good, if you really didn't enjoy any of the time we talked, then go right ahead and kill me. I already wanted to die before I came here. Actually, that might be great! Then I could go and join my best friend Zoe, who I bet you killed!"

Envy stared at her like she was nuts.

"After all I've been through," Risty May said, tears finding their way to her eyes again, "after the junk I've suffered from you and other people, all the injuries, the threats, the terrible fear, the uncertainty, the homesickness, the loneliness, the knowledge of having sent my best of all friends to her death--do you really think I give a flying _damn_ about all your painful-sounding threats?!"

Silence from Envy. Risty May realized that she had just sworn, the first time in her whole life, actually. She put her hand over her mouth, then let it drop. Too late now. "I thought Dante wanted me anyway," she finally said, "so where do _you_ get off threatening my life?"

Envy was still staring. Risty May blinked the tears away, for good this time, and looked back at him. He finally moved, putting his hands on his hips, and he appraised her.

"Why the _hell_ are you so different?" he said, but he didn't sound mad anymore.

"Um, I don't know. I might be growing up," Risty May ventured, automatically sticking her index nail in her mouth.

"Huh," Envy said. He looked at her for another moment, then turned. "Come on. Dante's waiting."

Risty May followed him, letting her necklace drop back against her throat. They walked in silence for a while longer, but now Envy wasn't dragging her, and he didn't seem as pissed. After a few moments working up her courage, Risty May dared to speak. "...Envy?"

"What?"

"I just...wanted to know...w-what do you really think of me?"

Envy glanced at her over his shoulder. "Didn't I just _tell_ you?" he said in a you-stupid-mortal tone.

"Well, yeah, you said some stuff, but that sounded more like your thoughts on...on humans in general," Risty May said. "I just wondered...if...I was ever...if you ever liked hanging out with me."

"What are you expecting to hear?" Envy snapped. "How great I think you are, how pretty, how I've fallen madly in love with you and abandoned all hatred towards your kind because of your wonderful goodness? If that's what you want to hear, you're out of luck."

"N-No, not that," Risty May protested. "Just...if you ever stopped hating me."

Envy sighed heavily. "You don't shut up, do you?" He rubbed his temples, a headache approaching.

"If...you really do hate me, then, uh...look me in the eye and tell me?" Envy whirled towards her, about to speak, and Risty May hastily corrected. "No! Don't just say it. I mean, what does it matter, we-we're on the same side now, just tell me the truth. Please."

With a scowl, Envy stomped back towards her, closing the distance. He got right in her face, bent down a bit to stare her straight in the eye. Risty May flinched, and her eyes looked wildly around before she could muster up the courage to look back. All her instincts were screaming at her to back away, but somehow she held firm, holding her dress in a way to conceal her shaking knees.

They stayed like that for a full minute. Risty May was practically crumbling into pieces, she was so intimidated, but somehow she kept herself from fidgeting and looking away like she always did.

"You're still scared of me," Envy pointed out with a triumphant little smirk.

"Well...yes...knowing what you're capable of doing...of course I am," Risty May managed to say.

"You should be," said Envy.

"B-But I still like you. I...I always will."

"Even though I murdered your 'best of all friends'? Even if I kill your precious Elric brothers?" Envy sneered.

"Well...I would be upset, naturally...but I, uh...I think I still would."

Envy's smirk fell. "Why?" he demanded. "What the hell's wrong with your head? I've killed more humans than I can count. I offed your stupid friend. I have every intention of doing the same to that pipsqueak and his tin can brother. I'm going to keep killing people for the rest of my existence. You should _hate_ me."

"I'm v-very sorry to disappoint you, but I just don't think I can. And now that you mention it, it does sound really messed-up. I guess I don't really know how to explain it but..." Risty May heaved a big sigh. "I can forgive you because I know why you're doing it, and why you hate the whole human race. I guess I wish I could help you feel better."

With a frown, Envy leaned back, much to Risty May's relief. "You're an idiot," he commented.

Risty May laughed, a little hysterically because she felt like she'd burst into sobs at any second. "B-But I never denied that!" she pointed out. "I know I'm stupid; that's how I got here."

"I just don't get you," Envy grumbled, crossing his arms.

"I confuse a lot of people," Risty May admitted. She looked down at her hands. "So, um...you never answered my question..."

"You're annoying," Envy answered bluntly. "And stupid. And a waste of space."

Silence from Risty May. "Not what you expected to hear?" Envy said almost gleefully, jumping at the chance to deliver pain.

Risty May looked up and smiled. "It kind of was. Thank you, Envy."

Envy stared at her.

"I mean, you were finally honest with me. I'm really happy."

Envy was stunned, stumped. He shook his head, holding his fingertips to his forehead. "You're nothing like any of the humans I know. Why can't I get to you, huh? Why can't I break that stupid spirit?"

Risty May held out her arms. "I don't know, really," she said.

"It would be a lot easier dealing with you if I could just--" Envy stopped before he spilled out his innermost thoughts.

"Figure out what makes me tick?" Risty May guessed.

"Whatever. Come on already." Envy turned around and started walking. Risty May followed him.

* * *

(1) The Song: Totally copyrighted by my aunt, YOU CAN'T HAVE!!

Envy: ...

Risty: ...

Zilo: And now, we say goodbye!

Others: ...

Zilo: ...Oh, come on, it wasn't THAT weird.

Envy: (glares)

Zilo: Fine, fine. Okay, readers, what do you think about Envy and Risty May's weirdo relationship? Is it canon enough or not?

Riza: Zilo would appreciate your feedback.

Zilo: And read Le Omake. Unless Envy/RM and very mildly implied yuri scares you, then RUN AWAY LIKE THE DICKENS!!

* * *

**Omake Theater  
Trying To Dock Some Ships**

"If...you really do hate me, then, uh...look me in the eye and tell me?" Envy whirled towards her, about to speak, and Risty May hastily corrected. "No! Don't just say it. I mean, what does it matter, we-we're on the same side now, just tell me the truth. Please."

With a scowl, Envy stomped back towards her, closing the distance. He got right in her face, bent down a bit to stare her straight in the eye. Risty May flinched, and her eyes looked wildly around before she could muster up the courage to look back. All her instincts were screaming at her to back away, but somehow she held firm, holding her dress in a way to conceal her shaking knees.

"All right, fine. I...I...I..."

Risty May's brows scrunched. "Envy, you're stammering. And blushing. And fidgeting. You look like me." Her eyes widened in horror. "OMG, you've got a terminal illness!"

"No!" Envy snapped. "What I'm trying to say is...you mean much more to me than I let on. In fact, you mean more to me than anyone else. Risty May, I love you, dammit."

Silence. "Well, say something!" Envy snapped.

"...Um, Envy, thanks, but...that's really creepy," Risty May said matter-of-factly.

"CUT!" A voice screamed offstage.

* * *

_Take 2_

"Risty May, I love you, dammit."

Risty May glowed and put her hands to her cheeks. "Really?" she breathed.

"Yeah, so I'm going to force a kiss on you, and you're going to like it," Envy said irritably.

They leaned towards each other.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING _KISSING_?!"

Ed entered the scene and punched Envy in the face much like he had with Hohenheim. "Ed!" Risty gasped dramatically.

"I came all the way here to rescue you and confess my love, and you're about to MAKE OUT WITH THAT FREAK?!" Ed hollered.

"You're too late, pipsqueak!" Envy laughed haughtily, getting up from the ground. "She's mine now!"

"OH MY GOD, I'M GOING TO HURL!" Zoe screamed offstage.

"Yeah, okay, CUT!" Zilo yelled again.

* * *

_Take 3_

"Risty May, I love you, dammit."

Risty May glowed and put her hands to her cheeks. "Really?" she breathed.

"Yeah, so I'm going to force a kiss on you, and you're going to like it," Envy said irritably.

They leaned towards each other. Suddenly, five dark projectiles whizzed through the air and impaled Envy to the wall.

Risty May whirled to see Lust. "I don't think so," Lust said in a steely tone. "Risty May is MINE. I'm the only one who can love her."

"...Whah?" Risty May and Envy said.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING CLAIMING MY WOMAN?!"

Ed jumped down into the scene and swiped at Lust with his automail blade. She dodged, accidentally unpinning Envy, who got up and joined the fight. Risty May watched this while sweatdropping. A hand on her shoulder made her turn.

"Come away with me, my lady love," King Bradley said grandly.

"OH MY GOD, WE'RE GOING TO HURL!" said all the people helping to film the scene.

"CUT!" Zilo yelled for the third time. She tossed down her megaphone. "Guys, I just don't think we can put another pairing in this story," she said wearily.


	31. A Lead At Last

* * *

Zilo: Wouldn't it be sooo awesome if we could get to 500 reviews before the story ends?

Ed: You mean there's light at the end of the tunnel?!

FMA Cast: CELEBRATION!!!

Zilo: ...Jerks.

* * *

Zilo: Blink, **UnbornHope**! BLINK!!! Welcome, **CreativebutLazy**! I'm glad I hooked you! Thanks so much for the nice compliments! I was worried about describing the getting used to automail part, so it's good to see I succeeded. Hooray!

Pokémon Narrator: Our heroes are--  
Zilo: Don't even think about it. **Colonel Bastard**, whoo! I sorely hope you got my e-mail! If you didn't, please re-send your address and edit the dots and ats so they'll let me see the whole thing! Every Pokémon fan should know how to do the é! ALL OF 'EM!  
Slow-Talking Grandpa: Can we revert to my real name now?  
Zilo: Sure, STG!  
STG: ...That's not it...  
Envy: That's the only time I'd ever say something like that. IN SARCASTIC JEST. Take note, you stupid fanfic writers.  
Zilo: Hey! Don't be mean! Anyway, yay! I'm glad it's canon-ish! MUST...DO...ANOTHER...SCENE...  
FMA Cast: (all look away or whistle innocently)  
Lust: Well, guess who else doesn't like it?  
Envy: They're BOTH creepy, dammit.

Zilo: Yay, **Synneofthesun**! It's so much fun to see you in my other fics! And no fallage--you don't want to hurt yourself!  
Risty: Or the floor!

Zilo: My darling 200th and 400th reviewer, **Namikazelil**! (gives VIP seating)  
Ed: Procrastination always pays off.  
Al: Brother! Uh, don't listen to him, kids! Hard work is good!  
Zilo: Evil homework, DIE! Do not oppress my reviewers!  
Zoe: It was freaking hilarious, wasn't it?  
STG: No. And will you PLEASE make it say Hohenheim instead of STG?  
Zilo: But why? Thanks so much, **KatrinaEagle**!

Ed: Psh, like I said. Procrastination--  
Zilo: **Arktos**! Hooray! Shirk work and hang with me!  
Others: (sweatdrop)  
Zilo: (pumps fist) YES! I wanted Risty's swearing to make an impact, and it did! Our poor heroine is under a lot of stress, so who wouldn't snap and maybe even curse?  
Risty: Mom's lullaby is awesome! I still love to hear it!  
Zilo: (gasp) YOU'RE SO RIGHT! Risty May's Crowning Moment Of Awesome is upon us! YEEEEAH!!

Zilo: Hello, **Kaijukote**! I'm glad you liked the Omake!  
Homunculi Involved: Do that to us again...  
Zilo: Yes, all pairings should be creepy, shouldn't they?  
Risty: They should?  
Zilo: I dunno.

Zilo: Was it quick? Hmm. Hey, **Asj Johnson**!  
Risty: Wow...I'm so glad you liked the scene!  
Zilo: That's my line! Yes, I'm definitely happy it came across as a good scene. FRIENDLY ENVY AND RISTY FOREVER!  
Envy: Whatever.  
Zilo: That was probably the second most fun Omake to write, the funnest maybe being one of the ones with The Interviewer. I might have to bring her stupidity back again!  
Dante: ...No. Just...no.  
Gluttony: I only like Lust. And food!  
Zilo: But if I were to write that you--  
Homunculi/Dante: NO!!

Zilo: **Arden Anam**, continue to laugh and enjoy the story, and I'll continue to supply you with chapters and Omake!

Envy: You're not the only one.  
Zilo: No, you have to say her name, so they know who we're referring to.  
Envy: (sighs heavily) Fine. "You're not the only one, **WANDERING HITOKIRI**". Happy?  
Zilo: Yes. I'm probably the only authoress insane enough to put characters through such things!  
Ed: You say that like it's a good thing!  
Zilo: Mayyyybeeee...yes, Envy needs a level-headed friend, doesn't he?  
Envy: I do not! And I am NOT a numbskull! Killing filthy humans is a great way to live!!  
Risty: But Envy, that's no way to live! You have to have 'me' time, too!  
Envy: ...(unable to form a scathing reply)  
Ed: She got him to shut up! This is a freaking miracle!  
Zilo: Annora's reaction would be funny!  
Ed: Hey!! I'm not an impulsive idiot!  
Others: (don't reply and point out the obvious)

Zilo: **agent000**! Yay! I think I wanted to try out something different in responding with you, because the letter thing seems so...so...formal, I guess. I might end up doing both with you, though, or combining the two, because I always appreciate your advice and observations!! And I'm going to be sending you an e-mail soon, so please look out for it!  
Homunculi Involved: It was beyond creepy, it was EVIL.  
Zilo: Hahahaha! You'll see what happens at the end, but I can tell you now, it's REEEALLY complicated in comparison to how other people might do it, so I might end up having to write a whole section about how I see the FMA timeline in comparison to the real world timeline!  
Ed: That's a lot of work...  
Zilo: Yes, but it's worth it! You know, you might make a good sleuth! That analyzing stuff is kind of like something my mom would do. I inherited some of her analytical-ness, but I end up not caring or forgetting soon after. Ah, well!  
Ed: I think I'd just toss the leaf. I wouldn't care.  
Zilo: Of course YOU wouldn't.  
Ed: ...And what does THAT mean?!

Zilo: **Marie and Ember**! **Blaze**! Don't die, PLEASE!  
Lust: The Omake was EVIL.  
Zilo: Says you!  
Envy: Would it really kill them all? Oh, yes, I've got to write that down and say it again then...  
Risty: She said the reformed girls would still be alive, though...  
Envy: Damn.  
Zoe: Psh, and I hope they kick your ass too!  
Envy: Shut up.

Zilo: **Little Patch of Heaven**! I'll be sad too.  
FMA Cast: We won't!  
Zilo: Oh, shush! Yes, I think you hit the nail right on the head!  
Envy: I am NOT scared!  
Zilo: Sure you are! You can't scare her away or make her mad, so you can't figure her out, and she keeps being nice to you! She's not like any other human you--oh my gosh.  
Risty: (worried) What?  
Zilo: That would make an EXCELLENT 1-SHOT!!  
Envy: NO!!!  
Zilo: Sorry. But it would! Delving into how Envy feels about Risty...oooh, I gotta take a poll on this! Thanks for the idea, **LPH**!

Zilo: Holy (bleep) on a (bleep) sandwich, **Phantom SunsSong**! Well, I forget stuff too, so no biggie! Yes, poor Risty. (pats Risty)  
Risty: Umm...I'm not a pet...  
Zilo: But it's fun to pat you! You let ENVY pat you!  
Envy: (chokes) What the HELL? I DO NOT!  
Zilo: Love conquers all, or something, right? And think about this. Risty's gotta live with the bad guys for days and days, pretending to be on their side. She's just a regular girl, so she's not a whiz at infiltrating, or whatever. It might become a bit difficult for her to keep from helping them, possibly?  
Zoe: Are you spoiling for **Phantom**?  
Zilo: I might be!! I like to keep people guessing! But you're right, I won't tell! You'll have to wait and see! (gives candy to wait with)

Zilo: **Sorachangirl**, welcome and thank you for the many reviews! Unfortunately, I've decided against EnvyxRM because it's probably not canon for him to fall in love with a human he's known for a few months after hating her whole kind for 400 years. BUT, there will be friendship! And wouldn't it be funny if she tripped or something and they accidentally kissed or--  
Envy: NO IT WOULDN'T DAMN YOU!  
Risty: (faints)  
Zilo: But anyway, thanks for reviewing! **CrimzonRozeAlchemist**, thanks for pointing it out to me! I really appreciate that! "I am to fix immediately!"

Lust: (regenerates) Whatever.  
Zilo: Hi, **Half Human Homunculi**! Did it totally creep out your senses?  
Envy: Again, why do you sound so eager...?  
Zilo: EDxRM FOREVER! WOOHOO!  
Risty/Ed: (both blush badly)  
Zilo: Yay! You am healed! I is happy! We are celebrate!  
Envy: SHUT UP YOU DAMN NONCANONICAL HOMUNCULI!  
Ed: (snickers)

* * *

Zilo: Hey **Namikazelil**! **Half Human Homunculi **congratulates you on being the 400th! Now, what be this? (logs onto leekspin dot com, as advertised by **HHH**) What does this do--AGH! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! OHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! FUNNY!

Others: (sweatdrop heavily)

Zilo: (eventually recovers) Hey, all, I got a spiffy idea when writing the review responses. What would you say to me writing a 1-shot about Envy contemplating what he thinks about Risty May? Would you read it? Please answer yes or no (or any fun variaton thereof)

Envy: You better say no, ALL of you.

Ed: I second that.

Zilo: Ed! Are you jealous?

Ed: What?! W-W (turns red) No! What gives you that--I just don't want that freak thinking about Risty May obsessively--that's insane!!

Zoe: Yeah, that sounds like jealousy.

Lust: Agreed!

Ed: J-Just shut up, all of you!

* * *

****

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE: A Lead At Last  
AKA "Don't Make More Mistakes Or Rush To Your Death"

Zoe stared silently into the room.

"We haven't touched anything since she ran away," Winry said. "Well...I did a little, but I was only hoping to find a clue about where she might have gone."

"Okay," Zoe said, her tone mostly devoid of emotion. "Thanks."

Winry silently closed the door behind her. Zoe waited until she heard Winry's footsteps fade away to step farther into the room.

It seemed that wherever she went, Risty May couldn't seem to help but leave her personality. In the month she had been at the Rockbells', Risty May had decorated her room to fit her tastes. A handmade calendar was tacked up on the wall. A tiny lavender floor rug lay at the foot of the bed. A rectangle-shaped pot full of flowers sat on the windowsill. What looked like a homeade wind chime comprised of small metal contraptions and string hung in the window. In the corner was an old-looking desk with a lavender-cushioned stool pushed underneath. Books by the dozen were piled on top, underneath, and around, and there was a sizeable stack right next to the bed. Draped over another chair in the corner was what might have been the next day's outfit. The slightly ajar closet door revealed clothes neatly hung up. The only two pairs of shoes Risty May had in this world, her pink and white sneakers and the pink sandals Zoe had given her as a birthday gift, were lined up neatly by the door.

Zoe walked slowly to the bed, reaching out with her fingers and skimming over everything in reach. The way things looked in this room, it was almost as if Risty May would walk through the door any second to pick up a book, or sit down and "have a think" as Rose Fernandez would say. Nothing to indicate whatever had compelled Risty May to run out of the house two days ago and not come back.

Especially without shoes.

Zoe sat down slowly on the bed. A pleasant scent reached her nose, and she noticed something green sticking out from under the pillow. Curious, Zoe lifted the pillow and found a small bunch of blue flowers, flattened like they had been ironed or crushed under a building. They seemed to be the source of the nice smell. Risty May _had _been addicted to air fresheners and the like back home.

Carefully, Zoe put the pillow back. Her eyes turned to the nightstand, on which sat a small analog clock, a reading lamp, and a photograph set in a wooden frame. Zoe reached over and picked up the frame in both hands. For some reason she didn't know, she gasped--it was a photo or Risty May and herself. A recent one. It had been taken the previous October, at a Halloween party. Zoe was a sexy nurse, complete with white Mary Janes and a giant syringe, and Risty May was Roze Thomas, with her bangs temporarily dyed pink. They had their arms around each other and were grinning at the camera, flashing peace signs. Someone who had been cropped out of the photo had a green arm looped around Zoe's waist.

Zoe held the picture frame carefully in both hands, examining the photo. Risty May looked so happy and carefree--they both did. And now she was gone, in who-knew-what kind of danger, possibly hurt and scared...or worse. And in the meantime, Zoe sat here with no idea where she was, practically helpless.

For the first time since she had woken up in Central what seemed like ages ago, Zoe felt tears brimming in her eyes. The photo blurred. "Risty, I'm so sorry," she said, her voice cracking. She hugged the photo to her chest, lay facedown on Risty May's nice-smelling pillow, and cried.

Outside the door, Ed decided for once not to bother the 17-year-old, and tiptoed away, reminding himself to ask her later.

* * *

"Here you are," Dante said pleasantly, as if greeting an old friend. She indicated the chair across from hers at the small yet ornate table she sat at. "Please, have a seat."

Not seeing any other choice in the matter, Risty May approached the chair and smoothed her skirts underneath her before sitting down. Envy waited until she was properly seated to leave, slamming the door behind him.

"I hope you've found your accommodations to your liking?" Dante began.

Risty May had to remind herself that they all still thought she had joined their side willingly, under depression. "They're really...big," she finally said.

"Well, of course. You're a guest of honor. I wouldn't have any less for you," Dante said smoothly.

Risty May was glad she had spent so much time around someone like Zoe, who had taught her how to know when you're getting played. She had the feeling that Dante was doing something like that now, flattering her and trying to win her over completely. Wasn't that what she had done with pretty much everyone else?

"So, um, Envy said you needed me for something?" Risty May asked timidly.

"Yes. I require your assistance. Your...special gift of clairvoyance, to be precise."

Risty May was reasonably sure that she didn't have any "clairvoyance". That was a pretty fancy word. But why not let Dante think that? "You want me to look into the future and tell you things?" Risty May guessed.

"Yes," Dante said again. "I am about to make a move, so to speak, and I would prefer to know what you see before I make any important decisions." As she spoke, she smiled in a friendly way and folded her hands neatly on the table. She could have been a friend of Risty's mom, just a nice adult asking for a minor favor. Risty May guessed that Envy wasn't the only one who had gotten some acting chops in the last 400 years.

Risty May thought hard. She knew that the series was now off-track. The ending she knew wasn't certain anymore. If things were going to be ending differently, then Risty May's goal was to thwart Dante and the Homunculi, possibly pull the series back on track, and maybe save Ed a little heartbreak. Al too. She knew that Dante wasn't an idiot, though. If Risty May fed her false information, it might backfire, and Dante might kill her before she could accomplish her goal.

_Then the only thing to do is give Dante some of the truth,_ she decided. _Just enough to get her to trust me, and then I'll try the sabotaging stuff. _

"Well, before I tell you anything," Risty May started, trying to sound professional, "you should know that my, er...my visions aren't exactly commandable. I, uh, I see what I'm supposed to see, whether it's what I want or not, and that's it."

"Hmmm," Dante said.

Risty May had the vague impression that Dante knew she was lying, so she quickly changed subjects. "What do you want to know?" Thinking of something that might make her more convincing, she added, "If it's got something to do with killing or injuring Ed, then I won't help you."

"Won't you?" Dante said.

Risty May felt a little fear in her gut, but hoped it didn't show on her face. "No. I've...I've lost one friend already--I won't lose another one. I'll tell you anything you want--but nothing that would hurt Ed."

"...Very well," Dante said, looking pleased. Risty May felt relief. Maybe she was a better actor than she thought.

"I have been informed that another Philosopher's Stone has been created," Dante went on. "I need to know where it is."

"Are you talking about the one from Liore?" Risty May asked promptly.

Dante blinked once. "Yes."

"In Al."

"Yes, that one." Dante smiled again. "Though I expect you to know such things, it still surprises me."

Risty exhaled through her nose. She knew what would happen with Al and the Stone--at least, what would have happened. "Like I said, nothing that would hurt Ed," she said. Dante nodded--Liar, Risty May thought, but she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

She had already decided what she was going to "see" for Dante, and it wasn't about Al or the Stone. She focused on becoming still as a statue, making her breathing shallow enough that her chest barely moved, pretending like she was going into deep trance mode. Dante was completely silent.

Risty May's thoughts instantly flew to Ed, as they often did when her mind wasn't currently occupied with an immediate problem. Where was he? What was he doing right now? She wished she knew. She remembered that day in the Rockbells' house, when she had had that, that whatever-it-was, being unsure of what to call it, where she had felt like she was right next to Ed when he broke down over killing Greed. Now Risty May wondered if it were possible to do it again, to find out where he was precisely.

She concentrated hard, trying to think of where the series might be right now._ Ed, where are you? _her mind singsonged.

Almost as if answering her request, an image from one of the later episodes bloomed in her mind. Ed, when he returned to Winry's house and saw Hohenheim. The image of him jumping off the railing and angrily planting a foot straight in his dad's stomach...

The image again expanded and took over her senses until she felt as though she were there again. It was as if she were standing to the side, watching Ed beat up on Hohenheim. The urge to laugh bubbled up in her, but she held it down and looked around. Al was already standing before Hohenheim. Ed had gotten off Hohenheim's stomach and was glaring at him, yelling something, but her ears heard about as much sound as she might hear if she were underwater. The image started to fade, like the last threads of a dream before waking up.

Risty May opened her eyes back to her present reality, the image fading into a memory at the back of her mind. Dante was staring at her. Risty May blushed and looked down, fidgeting with her dress.

"Well?" Dante asked.

"It's not what you wanted, so you'll please have to make do," Risty May said, reaching up and lightly touching her necklace. "Hohenheim's coming to see you soon."

Dante didn't jump up screaming and start tearing out her hair and kicking things over, which was something of what Risty May expected, considering Dante believed he had betrayed her. In fact, she remained calm, weighing the information. Except for a slight clenching of her clasped hands, it didn't seem to affect her at all.

"How soon?" she asked.

"A few days," Risty May answered. If she was right, and the...connection to where Ed was was happening at the moment, like last time, then this was true. Risty May wasn't quite sure how quickly Hohenheim had gotten from Risembool to the underground city, but it had seemed pretty fast.

Dante sat back a little, digesting this news. "Did you see what will happen when he arrives?" she asked.

Risty May hesitated, unsure how to approach this. What happened to Hohenheim when he faced Dante was kind of sad, but not tragic. He made it to the other side just fine. And if she was going to gain Dante's trust...

"Not all of it," she lied, trying to sound like her usual innocent self. "If you...ahm, seeing Sloth will put him into a kind of shock. And then you, er, make your move on him, I guess."

"Do I kill him?" Dante asked.

"You send him through the Gate. In, um, pieces, I think." Seeing a glint in Dante's eyes, Risty May hastily corrected herself. "Not literal pieces! I mean, um, you separate his body and soul and mind or something like that."

"Hmmm," Dante said.

Risty May's hands fidgeted in her lap. "And that's all I saw," she said, hoping to put an end to this session. She was feeling like she had made_ another_ big mistake. Was there a quota or something she had to fill?

Dante stood. "Very well," she said, the I'm-buttering-you-up smile reappearing. "You've been very helpful. I trust you know the way to your room." She crossed the room and opened the door. She didn't look back once as she walked through, as if uncaring about any attack Risty May could launch. Maybe it was confidence in her own abilities, or maybe a small gesture of trust.

Either way, Risty May waited until Dante was gone to head straight to her room.

* * *

After about an hour of crying, Zoe fell asleep. When she woke up, it was dark. She sat up sleepily and saw that it had gotten darker.

With a big sigh, Zoe closed the curtains and sat the photo she'd been hugging this whole time back on the nightstand. She finger-combed her hair and straightened out her clothes, not wanting to look like a rumpled mess when she went downstairs.

It might have looked bleak, but Zoe still held onto one last hope. Risty May had told her over the phone that she and Ed had some weird mental or psychological connection, most likely due to them inhabiting each other's bodies before. Zoe sorely hoped that Ed would be able to "feel" where Risty May was, or at least have a clue to where she might be.

Zoe took one last look at the photo, and her eyes strayed to the clock. It was ticking along, and it said 6:20. Zoe frowned. It was too dark for that, wasn't it?

She poked her head out into the hallway and realized that it was very quiet. It hit her that she must have slept through the evening and all through the night, and now it was early morning. She quietly closed the door and went and sat on Risty May's bed to watch the sun rise, telling herself all the while to remain calm.

It didn't work very well.

* * *

Risty May woke up with a start. She automatically glanced to the left, expecting to be able to check her clock on the nightstand--but the wide empty space reminded her of where she was.

What day was it? What time? Risty May had no idea. She sat up groggily, rubbing sleep from her eyes. Something blue caught her eye, and she turned to see another dress laid out for her on a chair. It was just like the blue one, only the sleeves were straight and skinny, and it was navy with white trimming.

Frowning, Risty May climbed out of bed, wearing the shirt she had arrived in and her underwear as nightclothes. She approached the dress and touched the hem. It was easily as fancy as the first one, maybe more. Risty May wheeled around and stomped back to the bed. She reached down and picked up the blue dress, which she had neatly folded and put at the foot of the bed. It just felt wrong to run around in these fancy dresses in a lair chock full of evil. She'd wear the blue one and that was it.

She had just shimmied the dress on and was considering breaking some stitches in the chest so it wasn't so cleavage-inducing when there was a knock. Her hands instantly flew to grab her necklace, and she turned as the door opened.

It was Roze.

"Roze!" Risty May exclaimed, running to her side. Roze had the baby in hand, and the baby was whining like he would cry soon. "Are you all right? What is it?"

Roze still had that blank look in her eyes, but she seemed slightly more aware than yesterday. "That song," she said.

"Song? What song?" Risty May asked confusedly.

The baby started up a little wail.

"Oh no! Ohhh, please don't cry!" Risty May begged. She suddenly got what song Roze was talking about._ The_ song. "Oh, um, all right, I'll sing a few lines." She launched into The Song again, and it managed to calm the baby down.

Risty May heaved a sigh of relief and smiled at Roze, who was back to zonk-out mode. "Maybe you should learn the song so you can sing it to your baby when I'm not around," she suggested.

Roze didn't answer. "Um, here, want me to walk you back to your room?" Risty May suggested, stepping out the door and lightly looping her arm through Roze's. Roze said nothing, but started to walk when Risty May did. She seemed to be used to people leading her around.

"It's going to be okay, I promise," Risty May said, gazing at Roze with concern. That blank look was still frightening, but it only spurred Risty May on more to make absolutely certain Dante failed.

It was only when they had gone a good distance down the hall that Risty May realized she had no idea where Roze's room was. "Uhhh...er...let me think..." Risty May said, mostly to herself, as she towed Roze down another hall. She stopped when a door to her right opened, and frowned when Wrath came out. He saw her too, and scowled. "It's _you_," he griped.

"You're not my total favorite person to see either," Risty May said.

"What are you doing?" Wrath demanded, seeing Roze. "If you're trying to pull something--"

"I'm not," Risty May shot back. "I'm just taking Roze back to her room, Mr. Suspicious."

Wrath glared at her, but let them pass. "I'm watching you," he warned.

"'Cause you wish you looked as good," Risty May said without turning around, using a jab Zoe had used many times before. Behind her, she heard Wrath stomp and let out an angry "You little--!" and pulled Roze down another hallway a little faster.

* * *

A knock on the door woke Zoe from where she was dozing on the bed. She straightened up. "Uh, come in?" she said.

The door opened, and Zoe was surprised to see Ed, hair down. She checked the clock. Barely past seven. "Aren't you one of those crack-of-noon types?" she said.

"Couldn't sleep," Ed said. He walked over to the bed and sat down uninvited. "I need to ask you something."

"Funny, I need to ask you something. Ah, well. Ladies first," Zoe said, gesturing to him.

Ed scowled at her. "This is serious," he snapped.

Zoe blinked at his harsh tone, but didn't get a chance to retort before he started talking. "When did you last talk to Risty May?"

His voice was so commanding that Zoe almost couldn't help answering honestly. Even if she had wanted to smart off to him, he was asking her about Risty May. Maybe he was gleaning information to figure out where she was. "Lemme think...ahm, about four nights ago, I think. She asked me to go save Bookworm from the Homunculi because something or another was deviating," Zoe said.

"She wanted you to save Scieska?"

"Yeah. Something about how Winry was supposed to, but wasn't in Central, so she asked me."

"And you obviously made it," Ed said, mostly to himself. "And you didn't talk to her at all after that?"

"Nope. Winry told you about the phone call, though, when she was talking to 'me'?" Zoe said, using air quotes.

Ed nodded. "My guess is that it was--"

"Envy. Yeah, my guess too," Zoe said. "What I don't get is what the hell he told her that would make her run away like that."

"I've got a theory," Ed said. He looked straight at Zoe as he spoke. "You and Risty May are best friends, right? Really close?" Zoe nodded. "And you say the Homunculi were after Scieska, and Risty May asked you to go help her?" Zoe nodded again. "What I'm guessing is that maybe Envy impersonated Scieska or a military officer or something, and he told her that you had died. As if you'd been unsuccessful."

Zoe stared at him. An icy feeling crawled down her back. "Oh my God," she muttered. "Oh my God. That's it." She slowly shook her head. "If Risty May heard that, she'd be devastated. She told me on the phone in no uncertain terms that if Scieska died she wouldn't forgive herself. If that bastard Envy made her think I died..."

"It might upset her enough that she bolted from the house in grief," Ed finished her sentence. He had a dark look in his eyes, obviously thinking on Envy.

"And then maybe she got lost, or...or the Homunculi had someone waiting here to snatch her right off the street. That skirt-wearing_ freak_!" Zoe pounded the night table. "I swear I'll shove his head up his ass the first chance I get!"

"Dammit," Ed sighed, rubbing his forehead_._

Zoe entertained thoughts of horribly maiming Envy for a bit, then forced herself to calm down. "Okay, my turn. I might have an idea how to find Risty May."

"What?" Ed asked.

"Well, she told me that she has some wacko psychic connection with you or something, because you guys were in each other's bodies before, and she had been able to sense you when you were doing something angsty, or whatever. What I'm thinking is this: if she can sense you, you can probably do the same. Maybe you can peep where she is."

Ed frowned, considering this. "Well?!" Zoe demanded. "Can't you?"

"Hang on," he said, closing his eyes.

Zoe sighed impatiently, but waited, drumming her fingers on her knee. And waited. And waited. She was beginning to wonder if Ed had dozed off or something.

"Dammit!" he yelled suddenly, his eyes opening.

Zoe jumped, startled. "What?" she demanded.

"It was just like with her. It happened to me too. It was like I was right there when she was on the phone. Damn, how did I miss that?" Ed was completely talking to himself now.

"You wanna explain to those of us not in your head?" Zoe snapped at him.

Ed looked up and noticed she was there. "I think I saw her. She dropped the phone and ran out of the house, crying. And then the next thing I saw, she was up on a hill, crying again. I think it was at my mom's..." He flinched, confusing Zoe, but then continued. "And then she was talking to the...Fuhrer's secretary..." He stumbled over the title like it disturbed him, but Zoe paid no attention to that.

"What?! Oh, God, I was right! Oh, crap!" Zoe groaned, putting her head in her hands.

"She was really upset," Edward went on, looking down at his automail hand. "Her emotions were so...so screwed up. She was condemning herself. She_ did_ think you had died. You and Scieska both."

"And the damn Homunculi swooped in while she was like that and grabbed her," Zoe finished, letting herself fall back on the bed. "Where's their stupid hideout? How do I find them? How will I save her?"

Lying down, Zoe could see Ed's back, and not his face. So she had no idea what kind of face he was making when he said, "I'll find her."

"You?" Zoe snapped. "Not without me. If you know where they might be, you'd better--"

"No." Ed twisted around to glare at Zoe. "I know you want to find Risty May, but if the Homunculi have her now, a non-alchemist like you doesn't stand a chance. They'll kill you."

"I can take care of myself!" Zoe shot back, sitting up. "I'm not leaving Risty May to--"

"_They will kill you_," Ed said, putting emphasis into each word. "No matter how many times you might be able to get a hit in, they will recover instantly. They've been murdering people for longer than you've been alive, and they will kill you before you can blink. Your dead body'll be_ useless_ to Risty May."

Zoe wanted to respond, to make him understand that any rescue mission to save Risty May would involve her, but one look at his eyes stopped her cold. Ed's eyes were hard, and as he spoke, they told her that he knew exactly what he was talking about, and that he wasn't exaggerating to make her back off.

"You need to stay here, where you'll be safe," Ed said. "I'll find them, I'll get Risty May, and I'll bring her back here. Got it?"

Zoe didn't answer. She was speechless. What she saw in Ed's eyes genuinely scared her._ How many people died in this series again?_ she wondered faintly.

"You can trust me to bring her back," he said.

Zoe blinked at him, then slowly let her shoulders unstiffen. "You'd better, or I'll shove your head up your ass," she threatened. The usual sting wasn't behind it, though.

For the first time, this world scared her.

* * *

Zoe: ZILO! I'M ABOUT TO KILL! (chases Zilo)

Ed: I'M GONNA KILL WHAT'S LEFT! (also chases Zilo)

Others: (watch them go)

Envy: ...Well then, who's up for a read-around?

Risty/Scieska: Me! Me!

Envy: Too bad.

Winry: Bye, everyone!

* * *


	32. Unsettled

Zilo: I'M HUNGRY!  
Envy: No one cares.

* * *

Zilo: Hi, **Wandering Hitokiri**!  
Envy: Psh, fishing? That's ridiculous. The whole idea is stupid.  
Risty: It's a wonderful idea! Maybe you should keep a journal!!  
Envy: …I don't think so.  
Zilo: Hmmm...yep, still funny! And I'm working on it, as well as a Christmas 1-shot, so yay!  
Envy: You had BETTER NOT start delving into my thought, you little—  
Zilo: Shhh! Next review!

Zilo: Me too, **The-Living-Shadow**! Actually, **D3athrav3n**, it was somebody else. But take credit anyway! **Sorachangirl**, hello! I'm glad you're for it!  
Zoe: I use that line frequently, whenever I can get away with it.  
Zilo: There is! I swear! (signs autograph for Sora) And don't kidnap me, okay? Unless you plan to feed me! Yes it is, **13Lulu's**!

Zilo: Yes! **UnbornHope **blinked! I'm happy!  
Risty: Sorry your review got eaten...  
Zoe: I know, it totally sucked!! Ed, you'd better deliver...  
Ed: I will, jeez. Like I don't care about Risty May?  
Zilo: Heeheeheeheeheeheehee...  
Ed: ...That's NOT what I meant and you know it!

Zilo: Hi, **Colonel Bastard**!  
Roze: I feel sorry for me too...  
Risty: I'm sorry I fail!  
Zoe: That's really nothing to apologize for...  
Zilo: DID YOU GET IT THIS TIME? DID YOU? DID YOU?  
Zoe: Stop spazzing, jeez!

Zilo: **agent000**! Hooray! That dense Ed, eh? But anyhow, yep, we're wrapping up, then it's sequel time!! And do you know, by the time I posted the chapter, I had COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN what I wanted to e-mail you about? I still don't remember. I feel kind of silly (sweatdrop)

Oh! You're doing NaNoWriMo? That's awesome. I wish you lots of luck, unless it's over, then I'll travel back in time and wish you lots of luck! Have a good one, see you next time!

Zilo: Hi, **Synneofthesun**! That sounds about right!  
Ed: Really?  
Risty: We do?  
(both look at each other and blush)  
Zilo: Me too, actually! But I'm glad you didn't avoid this one! I can get behind an EdxOC pairing if everyone stays in character, but how rare is that?  
Zoe: Yes, that's exactly right! I don't trust anyone else to look after Risty like I can, except maybe her mom. But even she's on probation!  
Ed: Yeeeah.  
Zilo: Good! I'm on it!

Zilo: That's Ed for you, eh, my 200th and 400th reviewer, **Namikazelil**?  
Roy: Are you gonna say that every time you talk to her?  
Zilo: Probably! (gives **Nami** VIP candy)  
Risty: Thank you!  
Ed: (looks embarrassed) Thanks.  
Zilo: Hey! I'm the princess of procrastination!

Risty: I'll do my best, **Arden Anam**!  
Zilo: Or will she? Muahahahaha!  
Ed: Yeah, the movie world's supposed to be a fictionalized version for your world, so...yeah.

Zilo: DON'T DIE, **KatrinaEagle**! Hey there, **Little Patch of Heaven**!  
Risty: A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do!  
Zilo: Yeah, that would be pretty cheesy, huh?  
Lust: Sounds like a plan, if I get to live.  
Zilo: Eh heh...heheh...  
Envy: It's not going to happen. Give it up.  
Ed: It better not!  
Envy: Yeah? And what would YOU do about it, pipsqueak?  
Ed: SHUT THE HELL UP YOU STUPID PALM TREE!  
Envy: YOU SHUT UP YOU STUPID MIDGET!  
Risty: NO! DON'T FIGHT!  
Zilo: This is like Fruits Basket, hehehehe!

Zilo: Aha! **Half Human Homunculi**, you have put a drawing idea into my head!  
Risty: You're fine as yourself, **HHH**!  
Wrath: (peeved) _I _didn't think it was awesome.  
Zilo: 'Course you didn't! Isn't it good that the connection goes both ways, though? And isn't it totally awesome that it plays such a huge part in the seque—GAK! Uh, I mean, you didn't hear me spoiling! NOT A THING!  
Envy: ...You're one of those insane fangirls, aren't you?  
Ed: (blushing furiously) T-That's enough of that! Stop talking about it already!  
Risty: (also blushing) Ummm...EdxRM seems to make her really happy, though...  
Ed/Envy: I DON'T CARE! (both look at each other in surprise, then glare)  
Zilo: Yay for the 1-shot! What's 305?  
Risty: An awesome reviewer is you!

Zilo: **chiyochan**! (hugs) Welcome!  
Risty: Is that the one you gave advice to?  
Zilo: Yes! I'm so glad you like it! I'm happy that your IY fic is taking off also. Keep up the good work!

Zilo: Hey, **CrimsonRozeAlchemist**! Thanks for pointing it out! You'll keep your eye out for more typos, yes? Yes? I'm counting on you!

Risty: You see, **Asj Johnson**, when Ed returned to Amestris in my body, he was wearing the sneakers, and then Zoe bought me the sandals for my 15th birthday, so—but yes, I was barefoot!  
Zilo: Oh, Ed had seen it previously, but he didn't pay attention, the dunce.  
Ed: HEY!!  
Zilo: I bet that look in his eyes was something...  
Zoe: It was pretty intense, if I do say so myself.  
Zilo: Why DID they start doing character counts? I wonder...

Risty: Ummm...thank you?  
Zilo: Hi, **tiggeranddash**! And...Amy!  
Envy: I should not! Shut up!  
Risty: Oh, thank you!  
Dante: I'd like to see you brats try.  
Zoe: Yeah, but I don't have much choice, do I?  
Zilo: Thanks, guys!

Zilo: **Koinu**-**chan**! **KOINU**-**CHAN**! (hugs) I missed you!! I'm just glad you're back!  
Roy: ...Whatever. I don't care.  
Zilo: Suuure. But I like Ritsu! Wahhhh!  
Envy: Why can't YOU go away to—  
Zilo: (whacks him with frying pan) DON'T BE MEAN!!  
Ed: Uh...I recovered though, see? (suffocates)  
Risty: ED!  
Zilo: I kind of need him, so don't suffocate him again!  
Envy: What, you think we do?  
Lust: It was abhorrent.  
Bradley: And I only got one line.  
Others: ...  
Bradley: It's the truth!

Zilo: Hey **RvB** **Freelancer** **Tex**! Thanks a lot! And I hope to see you again!

* * *

Zilo: We're halfway to 500 after only ONE chapter! Hooray!!!

Envy: If we hijack this fic, wouldn't we escape?

Lust: Possibly.

Ed: You know Zilo can hear you idiots, right?

Envy/Lust: Shut up.

Riza: Please enjoy the chapter, everyone.

* * *

**CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO: Unsettled  
****AKA "Don't Forget To Call Or Drop Your Guard"**

It was incredibly difficult to keep track of the days when there weren't any handy calendars underground. Risty May only had her wristwatch to make guesses at the time of day. Her only hope was to try and keep track of how often the hour hand went around, but sometimes if she fell asleep it was unusually difficult to keep it in line.

During those days, or however much time was passing, Risty May spent her time staring at Roze, thinking about Ed, and generally not getting any exercise except for stretches and the like. Roze didn't seem to sleep much, or do anything but sit around gazing blankly at a fixed point on the wall. Every once in a while, when Risty May was chatting to her fruitlessly, trying to avoid the eerie silence, Roze might say one or two words, as if to prove she wasn't totally gone. Her baby seemed happy to sleep the hours away in his mother's arms, waking up long enough to whine about something. If it was food, Risty May left the room for that, not really interested in watching somebody else breast-feed.

Envy didn't come back, and Risty May really wasn't bothered by any of the other Homunculi either. She assumed they were all off filling their roles in wherever the series was. Dante called on her once more to access her "clairvoyance" but Risty May fed her the same information. When Dante asked what was up, Risty May replied artfully, having prepared beforehand. "I'm seeing the same thing because it hasn't come to pass yet. The situation has to be resolved before anything else can be revealed." Dante seemed a little unpleased with this, but she didn't, say, have Risty May beheaded, which was one of the outcomes Risty May had considered.

After a few days--maybe--Risty May realized that she was frittering away time she could be using to bone up on alchemy. If she truly wanted one big chance to ensure Dante failed, having some alchemy on her side might help. So she resumed practicing alchemy in her room with the doors closed. No one ever came to ask what were all the booming noises behind her door, so Risty May cheerfully blew up every spare item in her room. It felt like a small way to prepare for whatever might come.

After weeks and weeks of blowing things up before, Risty May had assumed she had gotten no better. However, she was mistaken. When she began her next session behind her closed doors, she picked up spare sheet from her bed and, using much elbow grease, tore it into several pieces.

On the first piece, she uncapped the keychain marker that she had found in the small pile of her stuff--and had no idea how it had gotten there--and spread the piece of dress on the floor as smoothly as she could. She then braced it with both knees and one hand and carefully drew her best circle on it. It was the circle she had researched a while back for specifically manipulating fabrics.

"All right," Risty May said, capping the marker and tucking it behind her ear, "now let's see if I can turn _you _into a shirt." She clapped her hands together, as if it would boost her transmutation, and lightly pressed her fingertips to the edge of the circle.

The lines started to glow, and blue light shone upwards from the circle. Risty May squeezed her eyes shut and tried to think of nothing but turning the piece of sheet into a shirt. As always, the harder she tried to focus, the more her mind wandered. She remembered that disastrous year when she had taken up embroidery and had tried mending all of her own clothes when they tore. She'd lost half her wardrobe that way. Risty May remembered the tiny, precise stitches her mother had always been able to do, and how Risty May's never looked as neat or were as effective.

She could feel the fabric moving under her hands, so she forced her mind to return. _Maybe if I pretended like I was sewing, _she thought. She imagined the blue light was a bunch of needles making those tiny, precise stitches and pulling the cloth together. It was a funny mental image, and she almost lost it and started to giggle.

The light and rushing sounds faded. Risty May opened one eye, but the fabric didn't _toof _into fibers and fly up in her face. She opened the other eye--and gasped.

Underneath her hands was a shirt. It was very poorly put together. One sleeve was longer than the other, the hem was uneven, and the neck was big enough to dip down to a person's middle. But it was a shirt. Risty May stared, almost unable to believe she had done it.

"A shirt!" she said exultantly. She tried to lift it off the floor, but it was stuck. Confused, Risty May pulled up one corner, and when it got to the place where it budged, she looked underneath. Then, seeing what she had done, she couldn't help but just laugh.

She'd alchemically sewn it to the floor.

* * *

After speaking to Zoe, Ed had left the room to try and get some shut-eye. Zoe lay down on Risty May's bed with similar intentions. It irked her terribly that she couldn't go and help save Risty May. She had seriously wanted to kick some Homunculi butt. But, deep down, she grudgingly admitted that Ed was right. Risty May had mentioned the Homunculi's near invincibility, crazy advantage-giving powers, and disregard for human life. Zoe knew how to fight, but not against unable-to-die creatures that had practically been assassins for hundreds of years. She wasn't _that _good, unfortunately.

She vaguely remembered Risty May saying before that Ed knew how to deal with Homunculi. As much as she hated to pass the baton, Zoe really would have to trust Ed and Al to have what it took to save Risty May. She frowned, something from the end of the series niggling in the back of her head. Something that had a whole bunch of fangirls screaming and crying or something. Someone dying...?

"Ah, I can't remember," she sighed into the pillow. It was funny how the longer she stayed here, where it was imperative to remember what had happened in the series, the more it all slipped her mind. She had liked it at first, since it was filled with action and cool fight scenes and junk, but had lost interest when it seemed to take what she called an "angsty turn". Now she wished she had stuck with it, so she would have some idea of what was going on around her.

Zoe woke up with a sleepy start, surprised that she had fallen asleep. Yawning, Zoe sat up and rubbed her eyes. She glanced at the clock and nearly fell off the bed in surprise.

"How sleepy _was _I?" she mumbled, seeing as how it was almost twelve hours after she had fallen asleep this morning. Night was falling, again. Zoe hoped she hadn't missed any momentous moments in the series.

There was a knock on the door. "_Zoe_?" Scieska's voice called. "_Are you awake?_"

"Huh? Uh, yeah," Zoe called back, pulling off her wrinkled top.

"_Oh, okay. Me and Winry are about to do some baking; would you like to join us?_" Scieska asked.

"Baking?" Zoe's lip curled. "Er, thanks, but no thanks. I'll be down in a second."

"_All right._" Scieska's feet barely made any noise as she walked away from the door.

Zoe took her time changing clothes and brushing her hair. Then she made up Risty May's bed and made certain that everything was as it had been when she arrived before exiting the room. She had had a little bit of time to think about what was next before passing out last night. She had decided that she didn't want to stay here. There was nothing wrong with the Rockbells, but it seemed like all the military wanted to show up here. Zoe wanted nothing to do with any military officers. Which made her options limited.

But she had one idea.

Zoe could hear Scieska and Winry yelling at each other in a room nearby. Something about whether cooking was an art or a science. Zoe didn't care either way--she didn't really like baking. She poked her head into a random room on the right and found Pinako examining Den's automail paw, screwdriver in hand.

"Hey, um, can I use your phone?" Zoe asked.

"Fine by me," Pinako said without looking up.

Just then, the phone rang. Zoe scowled in the general direction the sound was coming from, hoping it was a wrong number or something so the conversation would be over quickly. She wanted to go ahead and make her plans so she could tell those who need to know and get ready

The phone rang and rang. And rang some more. Zoe leaned against the doorway and waited impatiently for someone to pick it up. Pinako finally looked up. "One of you get the damn phone!" she yelled in obvious irritation.

That did the trick. The phone stopped ringing. Zoe, out of boredom, watched as Pinako went back to tending Den's automail. Apparently something was wrong with it. Zoe had never bothered to examine the thing, but upon closer inspection, she noticed how intricate Den's automail was. The dog must have been a much-cherished pet of the family for them to spend time, effort, and money to give it automail.

"Interested?" Pinako asked, noticing Zoe's staring.

"Uh, a little, I guess. We don't have any automail back home," Zoe explained. "Well, I mean, we do, kind of, but it's not as advanced as this stuff."

"When automail first became popular it wasn't so hot either," Pinako said, tightening a screw on Den's paw. "Just artificial limbs strapped to people's stumps. It would always fall off. And even when it didn't, people who had lost arms couldn't actually use the limbs because they weren't connected to the nerves. It took a while before it became what it is today."

Zoe blinked a little. "Huh. Your old automail sounds like what we've got back home." It was pretty funny. Zoe knew enough to remember that this was the past in an alternate dimension, according to the series, and they didn't even have TVs. Yet their artificial limbs were more advanced than they were in the modern age. "So are you as nuts over this stuff as Winry?"

"Winry's very passionate about what she does," Pinako said. She finished the tune-up and patted Den on the head. "I suppose she got that from me."

"I can't imagine you flipping out over the handle on a screwdriver," Zoe commented, remembering a scene from one of the earlier episodes.

Pinako smiled at that. "It sounds like Winry's off the phone," she pointed out.

"Oh. Thanks." Zoe flitted out of the room and through a couple more to get to the phone, waving briefly at Winry and Scieska as she passed them. She picked up the phone and dialed the numbers. In the background, she heard Pinako ask who was on the phone.

"A man with a really weird voice, asking for Alphonse," Winry answered.

"What did he want?" Pinako asked, sounding disgruntled.

Zoe tuned them out, however, when she heard a click on the line.

"_Curtis residence,_" a woman's sharp voice said.

"It's...uh, Zoe." Zoe quickly pulled the phone from her ear, and not a moment too soon.

"_WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?! I SHOULD HAVE HUNTED YOU AND RISTY MAY DOWN AND KICKED BOTH YOUR ASSES! I _TOLD _YOU TO CALL ME!_"

Silence fell. Zoe had the fleeting thought that the others had heard Izumi even as far away as they had moved from the phone. "I know, and I'm very, very, _very _sorry!" she said quickly into the phone, sensing she was being eavesdropped on. "There's just been a lot of stuff going on."

"_Well, you had better START TALKING,_" Izumi said threateningly.

"I will, but I've got a favor I need to ask you. Can I please come and stay with you again? I need to be someplace where Ed can contact me easily," Zoe explained.

A moment's silence. "_Why?_ _What's going on?_" Izumi asked.

"Just don't yell."

"_Just tell me_."

"He's going to save Risty May."

"_WHAT?! FROM WHAT?! YOU'D BETTER START EXPLAINING!_"

Fortunately, Zoe had still had the thought to pull the phone away from her ear anyway.

* * *

Risty May was in the midst of chattering aimlessly to Roze when Sloth arrived. She entered the room wordlessly and took Roze's baby from her. Roze didn't blink.

"Wait, what's going on?" Risty May asked, half-rising from her seat. She was ready to defend Roze's baby, and probably fail, but it was the thought that counted.

"There's nothing to worry about," Sloth said. "An old acquaintance of..." She paused when she looked directly at Risty May, who worked not to fidget under the gaze, and then started over. "Hohenheim of Light has arrived, and the Master needs the baby."

Risty May understood the change of wording. She was the clairvoyant girl, so she would know anyway, even if Sloth had tried to hide it. "He has?" she said, her hands clenching together. She felt uneasy in her stomach at this, remembering what she had spoiled for Dante. She sorely hoped she had gotten it just right and hadn't put some idea into Dante's head that would mess up everything. She wanted to set things _right_.

Sloth nodded and then left. Risty May sat back down in her chair, and looked over at Roze. Roze didn't even seem to notice that someone had taken her baby. Risty May wrung her hands out, getting more and more worried. What if she had done something wrong? What if something she had said had changed Dante's plans, and now Dante would really kill Hohenheim? What if she screwed it all up _again_?

She couldn't just sit there. Risty May jumped up. She was unsure of how she would fix everything, but somehow she would. "I'll be right back," she said to Roze, hurrying out the door.

Quickly she looked left and right. Sloth was just going through a door way to the left. Risty May bunched up her skirts in one hand and sprinted down the hall. She pushed open the door to find another hall. She followed Sloth through more halls and more doorways until Sloth finally started to descend a wide, spiraling staircase. Risty May held her breath as she realized this was the place. Fear suddenly gripped her insides when she heard Dante's voice. She couldn't make out the words, but she sank to her knees and gripped her hands, unable to keep going. Sloth moved slowly down the staircase until she was out of sight.

Risty May scooted forward just a bit until she could reach up and grasp the smooth polished railing. Her heart was thumping wildly in her chest. Maybe, if she had had more time to think of what she might say or do--but it was too late now. If she was going to do something, now was the time. Maybe, if it wasn't too outrageous, Dante wouldn't kill her.

Slowly, Risty May used the railing to get back to her feet. She forced herself to step down on the next stair, and then the next, and then the next. When she finally caught sight of the scene, her legs gave out again, and she was on her knees, peering through the pillars holding up the railing.

Sloth already had Hohenheim ensnared in her watery grip. Dante and Hohenheim were conversing too softly for Risty May to make out any of the words. The floor had been busted up, but it was being generally ignored. Risty May gripped the railing as she watched Hohenheim. He looked...tired. Again her heart thumped at the idea that she had messed up his future.

Dante suddenly, in one quick move, unwrapped the baby and tossed him naked into the air. Risty May was not very keen on that move, but she couldn't look at the baby as, without warning, Hohenheim seemed to sense he was being watched. His golden eyes locked into hers and she froze. There was a question in his eyes, a sad question. Risty May realized he must think she was the next girl in line for Dante.

She also came to another realization: this was it. If she had any hope of making sure Hohenheim lived, now was the time. The air seemed to crackle with alchemical energy. Dante was summoning the Gate.

Hohenheim continued to look at Risty May. "Cross to the other side," she found herself whispering to him. She knew he wouldn't be able to hear her, but hopefully he was a lip-reader. He seemed to get it, because his eyes widened a little.

Suddenly, he was gone. And so was the charge in the air. Risty May had expected to see the Gate, but was a little relieved she didn't have to. She let out a big whoosh of air and had to hold herself up by clinging tightly to the staircase's railing, pressing her forehead into the narrow space between pillars and closing her eyes. She could only hope that it would work out.

"Make it stop!" Wrath's panicked voice was louder than any of the others. He was reacting to the recent summoning of the Gate. Risty May ignored him. This was the part, she knew, where Dante sent Lust, Sloth, and Wrath to go get the Philosopher's Stone. And--she realized with a sudden flash--only Wrath would come back. She briefly thought if she wanted to somehow try and save Lust and Sloth, but she immediately pushed that thought from her mind. No matter what she thought of them, they were evil, and it was only right to let it happen. Even if Lust ended up kind of good afterwards. Risty May wished it was Wrath who would die instead of Lust.

Thinking on this took longer than Risty May realized, for she suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder. She jumped, startled, and looked up to find Dante leaning over her, Roze's re-swaddled baby in her other arm. "As expected, you were correct," Dante said, doing that creepy-happy-pleased smile again.

"You're going to lose them," Risty May blurted.

"Who, dear?"

She was surprised at herself for confiding in Dante about this. But why not? "Lust and Sloth. They...they won't come back."

"Hmmm," Dante said.

Risty May got to her feet and awkwardly brushed off the back of her dress. "You don't care?"

"Sloth will be a pity, but Lust has been wavering too much for my tastes. So long as I recover the Philosopher's Stone, their deaths won't be in vain," Dante said. She examined Risty May for a moment, then added, "Won't I?"

Risty May looked down at her hands. "I don't...yes, I think so," she admitted, unsure if she could lie convincingly on such short notice.

Dante nodded to herself, then turned. "Come along," she said, starting up the staircase.

Risty May followed, confused. She hadn't been planning to tell Dante any of that. So why had she? She gripped her necklace, a little afraid.

* * *

Zoe headed upstairs, passing Scieska who was on her way down. She looked down in the dumps.

"What's up, Bookworm? You look depressed," Zoe commented.

"What? Oh, it's nothing. Oh, you should probably get a goodbye in to Ed and Al," Scieska said.

Zoe did a double take. "They're leaving? _Now_?"

Scieska nodded.

Quickly, Zoe climbed the rest of the stairs and hurried to Ed's room. The door was open, so she walked right in--and stopped short. Winry was kneeling on the bed, braiding the dark green hair of some half-naked guy with automail. Zoe gaped. The guy felt her gaze and looked up.

"..._Ed_?" Zoe said incredulously.

"Like the disguise?" Ed asked with a crooked grin.

"Good God, you freaked me out. So that's how you're gonna evade the military?"

"Part of it," Ed said.

"Don't let Al scare her like he scared me," Winry admonished him as she started wrapping a tie around the end of the braid.

Ed pointed behind the door, and Zoe peeked around and saw a huge statue of a guy who looked suspiciously like Major Armstrong with curly hair, flexing his muscles. "That's Al?" Zoe said in a you've-got-to-be-kidding-me voice.

"He can't go like he usually does, obviously," Ed said.

Zoe turned back to him. "Well...whatever. Good luck, I guess. And you'd better get Risty May back."

"I will," Ed promised solemnly.

"_Don't worry, Zoe,_" Al said from inside the statue, which made Zoe jump back a foot in surprise, even after being warned. "_We'll get her back._"

"Scary," Zoe said, pointing at the statue.

Ed laughed. Winry chuckled a little as she climbed off the bed.

"Anyway, I just got off the phone with Mrs. Curtis. I'm catching the train to Dublith tomorrow. So when you save Risty May, bring her back that way," Zoe said.

"How come?" Ed asked.

"Because I am," Zoe snapped. Then she sighed. "She really bonded with that crazy lady, so it might help her recover faster. And anyway, Mrs. Curtis wants to see her again."

Ed nodded. "All right. We will."

"And...don't, like, get murdered or anything, all right?" Zoe said in a threatening tone.

Ed's brows raised, and he smiled. "I'll try."

Zoe shrugged, then smiled a little herself before spinning around and walking out.

* * *

"Care to join me?" Dante asked when she exited the room, shutting the door behind her. She had just returned Roze's baby to her. Risty May had stayed outside, not really wanting to hear what Dante said to Roze. It was bad enough knowing about it, but hearing Dante mention it made her cringe.

"Um, sure," Risty May said hesitantly, unsure of the consequences if she refused.

Dante smiled at her again, then led the way down the hall. Risty May followed a couple paces behind. "It seems that everything is falling into place," Dante began as she walked. "Your visions--you--have been useful to me. I'm grateful for your assistance."

Risty May looked down at her hands, which were currently squeezing the life out of each other. She hated to hear that from the villain. Who wouldn't? "Um, you're...welcome," she said, unable to not be her polite self.

"Once I have the Philosopher's Stone, I can restore myself. The Homunculi will be changed into humans as they wish. And what is it _you _want, dear?"

Risty May looked up, surprised, and then back down, ashamed. _Dante's only going to use the Stone for herself, I know that much. She's lying to the Homunculi, so she'd obviously lie to me._ "I...I just want to go home," she said softly.

"With the Philosopher's Stone anything is possible. You'll be rewarded for your services to me."

Something in that sentence sent a shiver down Risty's May spine. Perhaps the tone of Dante's voice, or maybe the wording. Whatever it was, it awakened a new and horrible possibility that had never even crossed her mind.

_It can't be. Is she...does Dante plan to use ME next? Maybe after, or even before Roze?_

It couldn't be. It was ridiculous. Dante was just using her spoiling powers. Dante didn't want her body. Risty May shook her head vigorously, telling herself she was being silly. But the thought wouldn't go away entirely, but retreated to a corner of her mind.

"It would be a shame to lose a gift like yours," Dante said, suddenly cutting into her thoughts.

Risty May looked up, surprised. Dante was still walking, and they had come to the top of another staircase. It led down into the room that the secret elevator opened into. She looked over her shoulder at Risty May. "I know you desire to return home, but won't you miss your Edward?"

"He's not _my _Edward, he's just...Ed," Risty May said, ducking her head.

"But you love him, don't you?"

Risty May blushed at this. "Well, yeah, but...I mean, no! I mean..." She was still fumbling for an answer when they reached the bottom of the stairs. The sound of doors opening caught her attention, and she looked up to see the elevator opening to reveal King Bradley.

Oh. Risty May remembered this part now. This was where Dante and Bradley discussed their nefarious plans, then Envy barged in and caused a scene, and so on. At least now Risty May was more oriented into where she was in the timeline. As she listened to the relatively brief—but still totally evil--conversation, it struck her as to how the wording differed slightly from how it was in the anime. She wondered if that was also a part of the series' deviation.

"Talking about me now?" a familiar voice rang out as two double doors to the left were shoved open. Risty May had known Envy would show up, but it still somehow managed to surprise her. She watched as he strode into the room purposely, violet eyes flashing. It must have been that "seeing it in person" effect.

"Envy. Didn't I tell you to head up north?" Dante said dryly.

"I heard tell that _he _would be showing up," Envy said, still practically stalking forward. Pride held out an arm to stop him from unceremoniously barging up to Dante, and Envy whirled on him. "Keep your hands to yourself, you little puppet!" Envy snapped.

"Envy, don't insult me. A Homunculus with the ability to age is hardly a puppet," Dante commented.

Envy virtually ignored this statement and forged ahead. "Well?! Where _is _he?" he demanded.

"'He'?" Dante repeated, eyebrows crinkling a little.

"You know who I'm talking about! That bastard who made me like you made Greed and Pride!" Envy seemed to be short on patience today.

"So you miss the old man? I'm touched," Pride commented.

Just like that, Envy snapped. He whirled and used a powerful kick to send Pride tumbling across the room. Risty May let out an "Oh!" and covered her mouth with her hands as Envy leaped across the distance and landed on Pride's stomach. "_Where is he_?!" he raged, trying to punch a hole through Pride's head. Pride managed to dodge, and didn't seem too ruffled by the whole event.

"He's dead, Envy," Dante commented, equally unruffled.

"_No he isn't_!" Envy yelled. "_I'm _the only one who gets to kill him!"

"Envy..." Risty May said into her hands. To her, it sounded as though Envy were close to tears. That or intense exploding rage. One of the two.

"Envy, I separated his mind, body, and soul from each other and sent them all into the Gate. He's dead, and that's final," Dante said.

Envy jumped up and whirled towards her, his face a mixture of rage and anguish. "IT'S NOT TRUE!" he yelled. Pride wisely backed away as Envy's whole form began to shake. "Hohenheim was _mine_ to kill! _Mine_! MINE! **_MINE_**!!" With each "mine" Envy delivered a shuddering blow to the ground, creating an ever-expanding crater. Risty May almost lost her footing, but Dante of all people reached out and steadied her by the arm.

"Envy," Dante called out like a slightly exasperated mother, as Envy continued to beat the floor into dust, "You know that the Elric brothers have the Philosopher's Stone now, correct?"

Those were the magic words to stop Envy from his Hulk-like rampage. "They have the Stone?" he repeated roughly, his back to them.

"Yes, and soon they'll have what they've been searching for for years."

"_No_."

"Yes. Imagine that--the Elrics getting everything they've wanted, while you, the abandoned child, lose everything."

Risty May looked up fearfully at Dante as the woman skillfully manipulated Envy's emotions. She realized how much she had been letting her guard down around Dante. It was hard to remember just how evil she was 24/7. This was an excellent reminder to keep her mind sharp and her guard up at all times.

"No," Envy said again. He stood in the crater he had made, without turning around. "They won't. I'll see those fools' faces when I take the Stone from them. I'll see to it that they lose _everything_."

Dante smiled. Risty May gripped her necklace.

"Where are they?" Envy asked, finally turning. His eyes burned with a hatred that could kill on its own. Risty May flinched just to see it.

Dante patted her shoulder as if sensing her fear. She told Envy where he would find them. Envy's malevolent stare fell onto Risty May once, and she nearly keeled over. Fortunately, he said nothing to her, but wheeled around and stalked out of the room.

Pride was shaking his head before Envy had even closed the doors. "What a temper," he commented.

"Perhaps, but now I have a second plan to acquire the Philosopher's Stone when the first fails," Dante said.

Risty May could only clutch her necklace in both hands and try not to cry.

* * *

Zilo: Muahahahahahaha!

Others: ...

Dante: "Dante didn't want her body"?

Zoe: That sounds really--

Envy/Ed: ZILO! WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THAT LINE?!

Zilo: So, anyway, bye everyone!

Risty: Read the Omake!

* * *

**OMAKE THEATER  
**_Sham Preview_

Announcer: _Coming soon, in a million years...one girl faces high school drama like never before..._

"Oh, pardon me, AAH! Oh, excuse--YAAHH! Would you--AGH, AGLGLGLGLGLGL!!"

"Wow," said one random extra to another, "isn't that Risty May just so cutely ditzy?"

"Yep," said the other, as Risty May tripped over a rock, slammed into a line of people and knocked them over like dominoes, and then crashed into a row of lockers. Her flailing arms smacked two students, one teacher, and a badly-placed DBZ fan in the faces. Her flailing legs kicked two unfortunate guys where it hurts.

Announcer: _Struggling to fit in the high school scene..._

"You can't sit with us," Winry said to Risty May. "Your past isn't angsty enough."

Ed and Al nodded in agreement.

"You can't sit with us," Greed said to Risty May. "You're not an artificial human bent on murder and destroying the world."

The Homunculi nodded in agreement.

"You can't sit with us," Roy said to Risty May. "You're not an adult turned into a highschooler for the purpose of a high school fic."

All the adults from FMA who weren't cast as teachers nodded in agreement.

Announcer: _Soon finds her own special way..._

"Down here, in the basement of the school, we're practicing the forbidden art of alchemy," Izumi said to Risty May. "And we'll tell anyone who asks. It's highly dangerous and illegal. People have lost their lives to it."

"Can I try?" Risty May asked.

"Yeah, sure, come on in," Izumi said.

Announcer: _And learns the truth about herself..._

"Wow, I just had an epiphany!" Risty May said as she tied the ropes extra-tight around the group of human sacrifices.

"And what was that?" asked Dante as she sketched the circle around those hostages.

"I don't need to let other people tell me what to do; I can make my own choices!"

"Great, now get on that side of the circle and prepare to transmute these lugs," Izumi said.

"Okay!"

Announcer: _But can she save the entire world in time?_

"Hey," Dante said to Izumi, "I just had a thought. Why don't we try to destroy the world?"

"That's a great idea, especially since we live on it, and it's the only humanly-inhabitable planet around," Izumi answered.

"Ah, jeez, now I'm wallowing in indecision!" Risty May sighed. "You were the only ones to accept me, but now you're incredibly evil. What should I do?"

"Join us or die?" Dante suggested.

Announcer: _Completely Fake Studios presents a movie that will go down in history..._

"Hey, if we let you sit at our table, will you not use us to create a Philosopher's Stone?" Roy asked.

"Nah. You should learn it's wrong to bully people in this totally painful and permanent way," Risty May said cheerfully, tying his gag in a neat bow around his mouth.

"Insert a quote everyone will use for years here," Dante piped up from the other side of the room.

Announcer: _Edward Elric, Izumi Curtis, and introducing Risty May Fernandez in..._

"Oh, what do I do? Do I save the school full of people who tormented me daily? Or do I destroy the world with the two evil ladies who accepted me for who I was? This is such a terrible decision; I must be the swing vote! BAGH!" Risty May tripped and knocked over seventeen people.

"Quick, tie them up," Izumi said, walking onto the scene.

Announcer: _ALCHEMYST. WITH A Y._

"Evil laughter!" Dante laughed.

"Evil moral support," Izumi said without looking up from her magazine.

"Evil cheerfulness!" Risty May said cheerfully, stepping on the head of a particularly rowdy hostage.

Announcer: _Rated TS for Totally Stupid. In select cities April 31st. In theaters everywhere July 2000000008._

_

* * *

_


	33. To Cause Failure

Zilo: Two words: we're back! Two more: sorry, guys! Two more—

Envy: You're stupid.

Zilo: THOSE WEREN'T IT!!

* * *

Zilo: **Asj Johnson,** your reviews warm the cockles of my heart!  
Ed: What the hell are cockles?  
Zilo: Dunno. But YES! You figured it out! Sometimes the universe just conspires to have things go the way they're supposed to!  
Winry: Excellent! Automail in the future!  
Zilo: It warms the cockles of Winry's heart!  
Winry: ...  
Zilo: Or WILL she?

Zilo: Hi, **The Sora-muffin, **formerly Sorachangirl!  
Risty: Um, yes, it's pretty awful!  
Zilo: Unfortunately, real life catches up to a person. And I have to have that squared away before I jump into fanfics! Makes sense?  
Envy: Kidnap her anyway; maybe we'll get out of here.  
Zilo: (cheerfully) Never heard of him!

Risty: Yes, **Marie blaze **and Ember, I certainly do!  
Dante: Your loss.  
Risty: And I'm trying really hard to hold onto my sanity!  
Envy: Well, it's not working.

Zilo: Hey, **JelloGirl**! Thanks for dropping by! And sure you can use my idea, just don't copy it directly, please!

Hohenheim: Yes, that's pretty depressing.  
Zilo: Hey, **Yakami**!  
Lust: Yes, dying is depressing.  
Envy: Get a new favorite pairing.  
Zilo: Envy! Don't be rude! I'm really glad you approve of the character development!

Zilo: Maybe you can catch it on DVD, eh, **Little Patch of Heaven**?  
Envy: Good. A healthy fear of Envy should be part of your balanced diet.  
Zoe: You didn't read the next line, genius.  
Envy: Oh. (reads) Hey! Damn you, you little—  
Zilo: Really? I assumed everybody would notice...but ha! And yeah, if Dante wanted Risty then NO-body else could have her—  
Dante: Stop that train of thought immediately!  
Risty: (has already fainted)

Zilo: Hi, **Namikazelil**! Enjoy the candy?  
Ed: Super climax equals almost over, fortunately.  
Zilo: Whiner! And I'm not too keen on crossovers, but I'll stop by and check it out anyway! I like to help the reviewers!

Zilo: Your wish is my command, **KatrinaEagle**!  
Envy: Continue cheering for me and I probably won't kill you.  
Zoe: (rolls eyes) Nice...

Zilo: It's kind of hard to run in a poofy Victorian dress, though, isn't it?  
Risty: I don't care, I'm taking **Wandering Hitokiri**'s advice!  
Ed: You'll trip even more than usual! Just walk briskly.  
Zoe: (stores away info on shotguns, just in case)  
Zilo: You'll have to wait and see, muahahahaha!

Zilo: Well, **13Lulu's**, if I told you, it wouldn't be as twisty, eh? **Colonel Bastard **is lazy!  
Ed: You're one to talk!  
Zilo: Hehehe...Risty doesn't have that much cunning.  
Risty: Hey!  
Wrath: That's because I'm awesome!  
Zoe: Not.  
Izumi: And I know just the tree...

Zilo: Woohoo! I passed **CrimzonRozeAlchemist**'s proofread! Thank you so much! Hey, check this one too!

Zilo: Wow, that IS convenient, **Phantom SunsSong**!  
Risty: Thank you so much! I'm glad I figured that out myself, too!  
Zilo: It's not TOO different, though I tacked on a creative-license-covered bit at the end. And now plot bunny gears are turning in my head concerning ALCHEMYST. Ohdearme! But I'm glad to get your vote! And please, just check in whenever you can, and I'll be plenty satisfied!  
Zoe: Bet you've finished by now, haven't you?

Zilo: CURSE THE REVIEW BOX FOR THWARTING **HALF HUMAN HOMUNUCULI**!!  
Risty: Calm down?  
Zilo: Okay! I had a lot of fun writing the Omake, but I almost didn't put it up because I thought it was too silly. It was supposed to go in Chapter 28, but I delayed it. (gasps) PLEASE DRAW IT! I WANT FANART!  
Wrath: (falls to the ground, in too much pain to remember to regenerate)  
Ed: (shakes off the blush) I know what you reviewer-types are expecting, and it isn't gonna happen! I don't do fluff!  
Envy: (regenerates) Try that one more time, you—  
Risty: No, Envy! Don't fight!

Zilo: No problem, **RvB Freelancer Tex**! As long as you didn't copy it outright! Thanks for spreading the word around! Continue to review and I'll continue to respond!

Zilo: Hey! I am too, **Love's Labour Won**! (devours apple pie)  
Envy: If one more person votes for that stupid pairing...  
Sloth: Of course I do.  
Risty: Thanks so much!  
Envy: The first part, (thumbs up) The second part, hell no.  
Ed: (blushes) D-Don't just SAY that!  
Dante: So YOU think.  
Zoe: It better be, or Zilo and I will be having some violent words in the parking lot...

Ed: (slithers to the floor in a smashed heap after **Koinu-chan **releases him)  
Envy: You'd better start fearing me then, or you'll regret it, punk.  
Zilo: "Punk"? Why not "brat"?  
Zoe: That's his special name for Risty.  
Envy: WHAT!! IT IS NOT!!  
Zilo: (pats **K-c**'s head) There, there, Ed forgives you! Don't you, Ed?  
Ed: ...  
Zilo: DON'T YOU, EDWARD ELRIC??  
Ed: ...Yeah, it's no big deal.  
Zilo: Uuhh, uhhh...Fruits Basket?

Zilo: If she keeps tugging it, I imagine your prediction will come true, **tiggeranddash**!  
Risty: But the point is I DID get better!  
Zilo: Yeah, I've got ultimate WB for that, so it might be a while yet until I update it!

Zilo: Welcome, **alexthegreat**! I'm glad you like it so much! Don't worry, I won't stop until it's really and truly finished!

* * *

Zilo: Zilo and Friends wants YOU!

Friends: Who are you calling "and friends"?

Zilo: We're having an Omake contest! Submit your own witty Omake to me via PM for a chance to win! The rules are simple. The Omake has to be short n' sweet, like the ones I have, and it has to have something to do with TSG, whether it stars Risty May or twists one of the plot points or whatever.

Risty: What does the winner get?

Zilo: I'll tell you! The winner gets their Omake put in the final chapter, AND gets a guest spot for themselves or their favorite OC in the upcoming le sequel!

Zoe: One of those "reviewer-insert" things?

Zilo: Yeah, something like that!

Ed: Can we just start already?!

Zilo: Calm down now, Ed. (pats)

* * *

**CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE: To Cause Failure  
AKA "Don't Get Caught"  
**  
Risty May walked down the hall, gripping her dress tightly in both hands. Somehow, she had gotten lost again. Although she thought she'd been very careful to memorize the way between hers and Roze's rooms, she had made a wrong turn somewhere.

"Why does this keep happening to me?" she moaned.

A sudden noise made her jump. Risty May whirled towards the door she had just passed. It had sounded like someone had tossed something metal on the floor, like a metal bowl or something. She blinked at the door, a bit confused. When it opened, she flinched automatically.

"Oh. You." Envy was the one who had opened the door. He raised an eyebrow at her gawking. "What do _you _want?"

Risty May blinked some more, unsure of the answer to that question. Envy sighed heavily. "You want to see the tin can? Fine. But no touching."

"The tin—" Risty May gasped at what this meant. This was after Envy had kidnapped Al. She nodded hastily to Envy and then ducked around him. He slammed the door shut behind her, staying in the room with them.

Al was lying on the ground, his hands tied behind his back and his feet also bound. His head was off and lying on the floor a few feet away. "Al!" she cried, her hands flying to her mouth.

"Risty May!" Al exclaimed, his voice reverberating out of the armor. "You're all right!"

"Well, yes I'm—Oh, Al!" Risty May sprinted over to the helmet and picked it up. "Here, let me help you." She turned it sideways and tried to stick it in place on the armor's shoulders. It didn't seem to connect, so she kept trying. "I don't think I'm doing this right. Hold on."

"Risty May…why are you here?"

Risty May froze. She didn't move for several seconds, aware of Envy behind them, arms crossed, his back and one foot braced against the door. Finally, she bent her head and continued to try putting Al's head on. "Does it screw on?" she wondered aloud, her voice wavering a bit.

"Please, what happened? Everyone's worried about you. Did the Homunculi capture you?" Al asked.

Risty May swallowed hard. "Uh…something like that," she hedged.

Envy snorted. "Your little friend's with us now," he sneered to Al. "She's helping the master with her visions of the future."

Dead silence from Al. Risty May continued to try futilely to put his head on. She felt like she was missing something very simple, but it just wasn't working. She realized her frustration was working against her and tried to calm down.

"…Is this true?" Al asked. His voice sounded disbelieving, and yet was filled with dread.

Risty May finally found the solution and carefully set Al's head where it belonged. Immediately, Al swiveled his head to stare into her eyes. Risty May wanted to tell him what she was really doing, but she didn't dare with Envy right there.

She looked away.

Envy laughed once, like it was so funny. Risty May wanted to hit him, but doubted it would end well. Her stomach felt empty, like it was just a black hole.

"But…why?" Al sounded so disappointed. Risty May felt like crying, but for once, no tears came.

"I just…you wouldn't understand, Al," Risty May finally said, sticking her chin down in her chest. She got up and turned away from him.

"Wait!" Al cried. "Zoe said that you got a phone call, and it really upset you. Did that have something to do—"

Risty May whirled on him. "Are you trying to be _funny_?" she cried, the tears finally coming and filling her eyes. "Zoe's dead, don't you know that?"

Al didn't say anything. "That's what I heard on the phone," Risty May said, her voice breaking. "Okay? _That's _what I heard on the phone! I heard my best friend dying because I was stupid enough to tell her to go—"

"Risty May," Al said, in a strangely calm voice, "Zoe isn't dead."

Risty May's next words stuck in her throat, and she could only gape at him.

"Brother and I talked to her before we left. She's just fine. I don't know who told you that she had died, but she is alive, and she's worried sick about you."

"All right, that's enough." Envy butted in by kicking Al's head off. It flew across the room and bounced off the wall with a clang. "Your time's up," he said to Risty May, grabbing her arm and dragging her out the door. He slammed it shut behind them and towed her down the hall. Risty May let him drag her silently for a little while.

"So was it you?" she said timidly.

"Was it me _what_?" Envy snapped.

"Did Dante tell you to impersonate Zoe and make me think she'd died so I'd go nuts and do what I did? Was it part of your plan?"

"Yes, smart-aleck, it was. I didn't get to kill her. So what? It doesn't matter now—it's not like she's coming for a visit," Envy said snidely.

There was more silence. Envy glanced back at Risty May to see tears running silently down her face. "Good God, _what _is your problem? I can give you something to cry about," he threatened.

"I'm so happy she's alive," Risty May whispered. "I thought I had killed her. I thought—"

"Yes, yes, whatever," Envy cut her off. "Who cares?" He didn't like this. If Risty May suddenly grew a conscience, she might decide to try and escape, and worse, help Al get away too. He whirled to disabuse her of that notion. "While you're enjoying that little thought, listen to me. If you so much as _think _about trying to leave or setting the tin can free, you'll pay for it. And I mean _pay_. You'll wish you were dead, you hear me?"

Risty May looked surprised at this. She wiped her tears as she seemed to think over his promise. "I'm not going to leave," she finally said.

"Good," Envy said. "Because if you do, you'll regret it."

Risty May looked down at the floor, then back up at him. He was irritated. Usually he could have humans cowering in fear, wetting themselves at this point. He didn't appreciate that it didn't work on her.

"Envy?"

"What?" he demanded.

She looked a little disturbed. Maybe it was working, Envy thought. "You're going to beat Wrath up a lot," she said.

Envy blinked, taken off guard. Then he grinned crookedly. "Oh, really? When will this happen?"

"Soon enough. You can tell Dante I said so. He'll come back with burns on the left side of his body." Risty May said.

Envy shrugged. "Whatever." He was secretly pleased to hear about the future. He wondered why he would be beating Wrath up. He didn't mind; the kid was kind of annoying.

"So...where are you going now?" Risty May asked.

Envy glanced back at her. "Why?"

"Just wondering? Like...like if you needed help...or something?"

Envy snorted. "Like I'd ever need _your_ help for anything," he said.

"Well, you never know," Risty May protested. "Can I come with you?"

"Whatever." Envy turned around and started back down the hall. After a moment, he heard Risty May's lighter footsteps following him. He had no idea why she suddenly wanted to hang around with him like some lost puppy, but for some reason, the thought didn't completely irritate him. Maybe it was because he needed to keep an eye on her, just in case she decided to bolt.

Yeah. That was it. That had to be it.

* * *

Dante stood near the table in the center of the floor, thinking. Roze was still sitting at the table, her baby in her arms. She, of course, was oblivious to the world around her, which was what Dante wanted at the moment. The less distractions, the better, she believed.

Envy had just come and given her the news. The Philosopher's Stone was within reach. Soon all of Dante's plans would come to fruition, and nothing would stand in her way. Hohenheim had already faced the consequences of coming against her, and soon anyone who tried to stand in her way would face the same. After over 400 years, Dante would finally have the control she needed.

She smiled as her gaze dropped on Roze. Such a pretty, but terribly naïve girl. She had become an excellent pawn. Thinking along those lines, another pretty, naïve pawn of hers came to mind, and her smile grew wider. Dante's little seer. The girl had been so easy to manipulate into joining Dante's side. And now Dante knew the future. Risty May's latest little tidbit was mildly interesting, if not quite important. Wrath had been an annoying loose cannon practically the whole time. Without Sloth to control him, he was useless. Dante would have Envy dispose of him as foreseen.

"Everything's going according to plan, as expected," Dante said to Roze, who, of course, didn't reply. "And soon that body of yours will be mine. Don't worry; I'll take good care of your baby." Dante smiled, a smile that could make a lesser man scream like a little girl.

After she had changed to her new body, the decay would be gone and she could start fresh. But there wasn't any need to hurry. Only three more people knew who she was in this body. The first would soon be dead. The second would either succumb to her manipulations or follow in his brother's footsteps. And the third...well, once she had outlived her usefulness, it would be nice to already have a pretty new body on hand.

It promised to be a very fulfilling week.

* * *

After that disastrous meeting, Risty May stayed away from Al's room/prison. She couldn't bear to look him in the eye, or eye-socket, whatever, while he thought she had joined the dark side. She also saw a lot less of Roze, who seemed to be in the habit of not being where she usually was now.

As it turned out, Envy became one of the two people she saw most often now. Now that he was on the brink of ruining the Elrics' lives, he was in much better moods, and sometimes almost downright cheerful. He tolerated conversations with Risty May, and even though she knew she needed to keep her head in the game, the fangirl in her squealed every time they had a non-violent conversation.

Scarily enough, Dante was the other person she saw most often. More often than not Dante would call on her for a vision, or just to ask how she was doing. Dante had become even friendlier towards Risty May than before. Now that she had refreshed her vigilance, Risty May was on guard against it, but was still confused about it. But she had to play along, knowing that she had to continue to give the impression that she had fully joined them.

* * *

_"Where are you? Can you hear me? Come on, I know you're out there?"_

_"Who...who is it? Who's calling me? Ed, is that you?"_

_"Where are you!"_

_"Where am I? I'm...with Dante."_

_"Are you okay? Are you safe?"_

_"I guess so. I'm still alive and healthy and everything."_

_"Listen to me! You can't trust Dante. Even if she thinks you're on her side, she's still too dangerous!"_

_"I know what she's capable of. I've seen the series, remember?"_

_"Risty May...I need to know that you're safe. You have to get out of there."_

_"I can't leave until I make sure that you win and Dante loses, Ed! I have to help somehow, because I've messed up everything else!"_

_"Forget that! I want you to be safe!"_

_"I have to stay and help! I'll be all right, I promise!"_

"Hmm promise," Risty May mumbled as she moved from dreaming to consciousness. _What a weird dream, _she thought as she sleepily cracked open her eyes to check her alarm clock. _What was it that woke me up?_

It took a moment to register that someone was in her room, silhouetted in the large rectangle of dim light coming from her door. Risty May blinked once, twice, and then sat bolt upright. "Burglar!!" she cried to alert her mother. She scrabbled for the first relatively hard item she could find, which turned out to be a marker, and chucked it at the burglar's head.

He caught it. "Knock it off, you little pest!" a familiar voice snapped.

Risty May blinked again. "Envy?" she said hesitantly. She remembered now where she was.

"Yes, and the next time you throw something at me, I'm returning it—in your _eye_," Envy said irritably.

"I'll...keep that in mind. But, uh, what are you doing in my room? And isn't it night time? Don't you sleep, Envy?" Risty May asked.

"Stop asking me questions!" Envy burst out, his silhouetted fists shaking with what was probably anger.

Envy was madder than usual, Risty May realized. But why? She pulled the covers up to her chest and pulled her fingers through her hair. "Um...can I do something for you?" she asked.

"You can shut up and go back to sleep," Envy snapped, turning around.

"Wait, Envy!"

He actually paused, turning to look over his shoulder. Now that he was closer to the light, she could partially see the side of his face. He did indeed look angry or frustrated about something. "What?" he demanded.

"Y-You came in here for something, right?" Risty May ventured.

Envy glared at her, but for once she didn't back down. "Right?" she pressed.

"Yeah, and?"

"Well..." Risty May looked down at her hands, then summoned up her courage and looked back up at him. "If you...like...need to get something else off your chest, then, you know, I'm...here."

"Why."

"Why what?"

"Why do you _care_!" he practically shouted.

Risty May found herself climbing out of bed and walking over to him. "Well, I don't know, I just do. I...you know, I like you. I want to be your friend. That's why," she said.

"You're an idiot," he growled, glaring directly into her eyes.

Risty May flinched, but didn't look away. "Well, yeah, but, still...I'm, like, here."

"I hate you."

"Okay."

"You're irritating."

"Okay."

"You drive me insane!"

"Okay."

"_Damn _you little--!" Envy grabbed Risty May around the neck with both hands. Risty May imagined her life would be flashing before her eyes, and feared she had overstepped her boundaries. She felt his hands squeezing her neck, and her throat closed. Her arms seemed to be locked at her sides, and she couldn't lift them to pull on his hands.

Envy's face was furious. His eyes flashed. "_WHY CAN'T I GET TO YOU_?!" he yelled.

Even if Risty May had wanted to respond, she couldn't. Her heart started to beat faster, and her chest started to hurt. He was still squeezing her neck, tighter, and even her eyeballs started to ache.

_After all of the dangerous things I've been through, I'm going to die by getting strangled, _she thought. _Strangled in the middle of the night for pissing off a Homunculus._

But even as she started to believe it was the end, her head pounding and her mouth gaping like a fish's, Envy released her and tossed her onto the carpet in her room. Risty May's lungs expanded, and her need for air drove her into a coughing fit. She held onto her neck, feeling its tenderness, her chest heaving with every cough.

Eventually, Risty May began to get air back in her lungs. She took several deep breaths, feeling her heart beating double time. She wondered if her neck would have bruises. Slowly, she sat upright, one hand still touching her neck, trying to get her breathing and heartbeat under control.

She glanced towards the door, thinking she should close it, and was surprised to find that Envy was still there, turned away from her so she couldn't see his face. "Envy?" she said, and winced at how the word grated.

"You should go back to bed," he said, sounding a lot less pissed.

"Are you sure?" she found herself rasping.

"Of?"

"You don't—" she paused to cough "—wanna talk or anything?"

There was a long silence. Risty May wondered if he was contemplating turning around and finishing the job.

"Not tonight," Envy said, before stalking out and slamming the door behind him.

Risty May blinked in surprise at his answer. Did that mean he planned to talk some _other _night? The fangirl in her was weakly jumping up and down, since squealing would be bad for her throat at the moment.

* * *

Being constantly alert was difficult. All of the intrigue and planning and deception was so hard. Risty May—whose neck fortunately didn't bruise too noticeably—was only a 15-year-old girl who sorely missed home and her late best friend. And, as she now allowed herself to mentally admit, the boy she loved. Since that weird dream she'd had about him, her thoughts fell on Ed more than once each day, often every hour. She had tried to use their connection to see him again, or even speak to him, but it had never worked since that one time. She often wondered if he was thinking about her.

Combined with all of this was the knowledge that eventually D-Day would come. Risty May was trying to plan for when Ed arrived, but so far nothing was holding up. All she knew was that somehow, she had to make sure Dante didn't win. She could only that maybe she could team up with Ed and possibly Al to make that happen.

Despite it all, both everyone knew it was inevitable for time to pass. Even though more time passing made Zoe worried, it had to keep going. The series had to continue, whether it was still altered, or even if it was somehow twisting things around to stay on its original track.

Even for Rose and Julio Fernandez and Barbara Ferguson, time had to continue on. Though their time was starkly different, they still felt the anxiety in not knowing what was happening to their daughters.

And even though Risty May couldn't form a cohesive plan, time still had to keep going. In fact, she was still trying to figure out what to do, when the day arrived.

* * *

"What do you see for me today?" Dante asked.

"Um, it's still the same thing. You're in that fancy dress and holding Roze's baby," Risty May told her. That was what she had been feeding to Dante recently.

"And where am I?" Dante asked.

"A...really big ballroom," Risty May said.

"Who's there with me, if anyone?"

Risty May wondered at why she was asking so many questions today, but she relented. "Um, Roze, and...and Ed." At the last she ducked her head.

"And not you?"

Her head came up. "Why?" Risty May dared to ask.

Dante smiled at her. "I've been told that your Edward is on his way here now."

Risty May gasped. It was D-Day. And she had no more of a plan than when she had started plotting. It was too soon! "He is? B-But I..." she trailed off when she realized she was about to voice her thoughts aloud, and quickly changed tracks. "...I didn't see him."

"I hope something isn't wrong with that marvelous gift of yours," Dante commented.

"I don't always see everything I want to," Risty May mumbled, looking down at her lap. "I think I...want to go to my room now."

"You don't want to come see your Edward?"

Risty May shook her head. She wasn't ready. She couldn't go down there without a plan. "Excuse me," she said, getting up out of her chair and quickly leaving. She hoped that Dante drew the conclusion that she was ashamed to face Ed because she had become a bad guy.

As she walked quickly down the hall, Risty May ran through the former end of the series in her mind. She remembered most of it pretty well, seeing as how many times she'd seen it. Now that the series was off track, she had no idea if any of it would still go the way it was supposed to.

Coming to her door, Risty May slipped through and pushed it shut behind her. She leaned against it, running her options through her mind. Up until now Risty May's focus had been putting things back in place as much as possible in order to prevent an unexpected death or other tragedy. But now it was time to abandon that plan and go for the new one, where she did everything in her power to ensure Dante's failure.

No matter what, it would be impossible to do it all by herself. She would need help. But Dante would be there with Ed, and Risty May wouldn't be able to convince him she hadn't switched sides without alerting Dante. She was stuck.

_I have to think of something! _Risty May thought fiercely. She sank to the floor and pulled her knees up, resting her hands on them. Her dress flared around her like an overturned flower. Bowing her head, she squeezed her eyes shut and tried as hard as she could to come up with a plan. She continually ran ideas and thoughts through over and over, trying to come up with something. Everything was either too dangerous or too stupid to work. Everything resulted in failure.

She sighed heavily and clutched her head. "What do I do?" she whimpered into her knees. "Once Al gets down there Dante'll transmute him to the floor, and I can't--"

She paused, running that sentence over in her head. Then she jumped up. "Of course!" Risty May cried. "If I free Al before he gets down there, we can go down together! Two heads will be better than one!" Excitedly, she turned and twisted the knob on her door. It turned slightly but didn't budge.

"What...?" Risty May turned it back and forth. It had little give, like a locked door. She tried the other knob, but got the same result. Feeling a rising frustration and panic, Risty May yanked on both. "They locked me in!" she cried in disbelief and fear. She pushed and pulled, tugged and yanked, and even kicked the door, all to no avail.

Finally, dejected, she slumped to the floor with a sigh. Her eyes fell on her keychain marker, which lay on a small pile of torn sheet. Risty May blinked, then smacked her forehead. "I did it again!" She jumped up and grabbed the marker. Running back to the door, she focused all her might on drawing the best circle she could over the split between doors. When it was done, she capped the marker and tucked it down into her bodice.

Taking a deep breath to clear her thoughts, Risty May clapped her hands firmly together. "Wish me luck, Ed!" she said before slamming both palms onto the circle.

The lines began to glow with blue light, and Risty May forced herself to concentrate on opening the doors without blowing them up. An explosion might cause the person who had locked her in to check on her, and she couldn't be sidetracked. She watched as the blue glow enveloped the whole door, made sure her breathing was even, and closed her eyes, concentrating on her task. She imagined unrolling a scroll, remembering how she used to almost obsessively roll paper neatly, even sticking her finger in the hole to tighten the spiral. She felt the door fall away from her fingers but didn't move them, working hard to concentrate.

Finally, the light and rushing died away. Risty May opened her eyes and saw with the delight that the doors were practically gone on either side. She hurried through, then by chance glanced at them on the other side and nearly laughed out loud. Both doors had been rolled back to their hinges, like massive wooden scrolls.

"For once it worked!" she exulted, before turning and running down the hall.

* * *

Several halls and turns and one instance of getting lost later, Risty May had finally found the door behind which Al was being held, she was certain. She grabbed the knob, but it also was locked. Frowning, Risty May uncapped her marker and drew a small circle around the lock. This time she was going for speed and not quiet, so she quickly blew up the lock, which also took a small chunk out of the door. Then she yanked the knob and let herself in.

Al was still on the floor, still tied up. He had been watching the door. Risty May guessed that the explosion had startled him. Then he spoke. "What are you doing here?" His voice was guarded, uncertain.

"We've got to move right now," Risty May said, hurrying around him and kneeling down. "I'm not really sure, but by now Ed is probably tangling with Dante. We've got to go help him beat her."

"Is this a trick?" Al demanded.

"No! It's not! I'm not a bad guy, Al, I swear--I just pretended to be one so I could infiltrate. I couldn't tell you because Envy was here. I couldn't--I couldn't tip him off." As she spoke, Risty May worked on the knots in the ropes binding Al.

Al glanced at her over his shoulder. "Really?" he said quietly, his voice tinged with hope.

Risty May stopped to look him in the eye, or eye socket. "I promise you, Al, I'm not evil," she said earnestly.

Al held her gaze for a moment, then nodded. "Okay. Get me untied, please, and we'll help Brother."

Risty May breathed a sigh of relief, even as she yanked and tugged at the knots. She tried slipping the rope one layer at a time over his fingers and found better success with that. "Okay, try and pull your hands free while I untie your ankles," she instructed him as she switched to fighting with the knots in those ropes.

Al pulled his arms in opposite directions, attempting to loosen the rope. Risty May had better success with his feet, and was able to free them a little before he got his hands loose. She pulled off the last of the rope and then jumped up while he quickly stood. "Okay, let's hurry!" she said. "I don't know what they're doing right now." She led the way out the door while Al followed. "If we hurry, we might be able to get down there before Dante sends Ed to the--"

She broke off and stopped in her tracks. Al, who was just exiting the room, didn't understand. "Risty Ma--"

He too stopped, when he saw what had frozen her.

Envy was standing about five feet down the hall, staring at them with a mightily stunned expression. Everything stayed still for a moment. Then, in a split second, everyone moved. Risty May lurched back, Al reached forward to shield her and face Envy down, and Envy moved faster than them both and was at their side. He reached out and had grabbed Risty May by the arm before Al could, and had forcefully yanked her about two feet out of Al's reach.

"Well, well," Envy said, his face turned into a sneer. "Trying to have a little jailbreak?"

Al clenched his fists and got into a fighting stance. "Let her go, Envy," he said fiercely.

Envy held onto Risty May's upper arms with viselike grips, keeping her in front of him like a shield. Risty May's eyes were wide with fear, even though she was trying not to show it. "Don't be stupid," Envy said to Al. "You know I could kill her before you even get over here. Don't even pretend you'll try and hit me."

With an air of resignation, Al straightened up and lowered his fists. "Now, be a good little brat and start walking," Envy said, pointing back the way he had come. "The master is ready for you."

"Don't do it!" Risty May squeaked.

"I'd be quiet if I were you," Envy said, sounding almost cheerful.

Al stared at Envy, as if trying to stare him down, but then finally trudged down the hall. Envy propelled Risty May after him, without letting go of her arm.

The three of them paraded down more halls and doors, until finally Envy had Al open a set of large double doors, and then there they were. The gigantic ballroom spread out before them. It looked as though nothing at all had gone on in here. Risty May thought for a moment that her timing was off, then looked to the left. Her heart sank. Dante was kneeling at the edge of a large transmutation circle, apparently having just finished drawing it. Roze stood a few feet behind her, baby in tow. Gluttony was sitting in a dejected heap several feet away from them both.

Ed was nowhere in sight.

"We're too late," Risty May found herself saying, her heart plunging. Dante had already sent Ed into the Gate. And now they were about to--

"Here you are," Dante said, looking up and seeing them. She noticed Envy's grip on Risty May's arm. "Problem?"

"The brat tried to free our Philosopher's Stone," Envy commented, shoving Risty May ahead of him. Naturally, Risty May tripped and fell. Al bent to help her, but Envy pushed him away, towards the circle.

"I see," Dante said. She smiled at Al. "Well, then, if you don't want anything to happen to her, you'll lie down quietly on this circle."

Al looked from her to Risty May, who was picking herself up and looking at him like she wanted to cry. Without a word, he trudged over to the circle. Dante pointed down, and he got down into a sitting position in the middle, and then laid down. Dante immediately pressed her fingertips to the edge, and the circle activated. Al's armor clanged, and he seemed to become immobile instantly.

"There," Dante said, standing up. "Now, for our next matter." She turned to Risty May.

"We going to kill her?" Envy asked, looking down with a smirk. Risty May avoided his gaze and simply stayed on her knees on the ground. She had failed. This was it.

"No," Dante said, surprising Risty May and Envy. She walked over to them and knelt in front of Risty May. "Envy, attend to Gluttony. Have him start in on his meal," she said, without looking away from Risty May's face.

"Heh," Envy said, cracking his knuckles and striding towards Gluttony.

Risty May trembled. Did Dante just want to kill her herself?

Dante, instead, smiled and took both of Risty May's shaking hands in hers. "I'm disappointed," she said, sounding sincere. "You would have made a wonderful apprentice. I could have taught you many things."

"I-I d-don't believe you," Risty May stammered.

"I suppose not. Your gift is so useful, but it does bring to mind the old saying 'you know too much'."

"Y-You're going t-to...kill me now?" Risty May squeaked.

Dante smiled wider, and she reached out and touched Risty May's cheek. Risty May flinched. "Why no," Dante said. "I'd never do such a thing to you."

_"You will be rewarded for your services to me..."_

Risty's stomach plunged.

"Look into my eyes, dear," Dante said, clapping her hands together.

* * *

Others: ...

Zilo: Now THAT is what I call a cliffie!

Zoe: My GOD!

Risty: Zilo...you're...

Ed: EVIL!

Zilo: It's for the suspense, I swear! And, oh yeah, this is the third-to-last chapter.

Risty/Zoe: HUH?

FMA Cast: FREEDOM IS NEAR!!!

Zoe: Shouldn't you have made an announcement?

Zilo: But I'm sad!

* * *


	34. Too Many Ends

Zilo: Behold, the final chapter.

Cast: YES!

Zilo: After this, an epilogue!

Ed: I can handle that! Freedom is near!!!

Zilo: And then...something special! But moving on now!

* * *

Risty: **Wandering Hitokiri **has a lot of hard-to-pronounce weapons.  
Zilo: Not that many, but enough to scare me!  
Envy: Psh.  
Dante: I'm not afraid.  
Zilo: Oh, come on! Not even a little?

Zilo: Oh, she's still there, **13Lulu's**. And yay! Long review from **Colonel Bastard**!  
Risty: Don't worry, **CB**, I do stuff like that all the time!  
Zilo: "In your pants" HAHAHAHAHA!  
Envy: That is NOT FUNNY!  
Zoe/Zilo: Yes it is!  
Envy: IS NOT!  
Zoe: Exactly! Risty! Listen to her about Envy! You hear me!  
Risty: But Zoe, you just don't understand!  
Zoe: ...  
Envy: Neither do I, for that matter.  
Zilo: That meddling Risty, right?  
Risty: Hey! I'm just trying to help!  
Zilo: As to your question, yep, the sequel will be set—oh, wait, no it won't. You get to be surprised about the sequel!!

Zilo: Yes, **Skitty Kat Girl**! Now breathe! Please forgive me, **UnbornHope**!  
Envy: I do NOT feel horrid. I don't CARE.  
Zilo: You so do.  
Envy: NOT!  
Zilo: Ohmeeeee, thank you so much! But please, don't feel woe-ish. There's a sequel! No seriously! And I want you to stick around for it, pleaseplease?

Zilo: I'm sorry, **CrimzonRozeAlchemist**! No death, okay? But thank you kindly for looking! Check this one too (wink)! Remember, you review, and I'll respond!

Cliffie: (is pwned by calculators)  
Zilo: I'm not evil, **The Sora-muffin**! Partially insane, but NOT evil!  
Envy: (through gas mask) Psh, yeah right.  
Risty: Thank you!  
Envy: I should've knocked her out sooner.  
Zilo: Hey!  
Envy: What?

Zilo: I am NOT evil, **KatrinaEagle**!  
Envy: Two people said it, must be true.  
Zilo: Mean! Envy is mean!  
Envy: If you really supported me, you wouldn't care if I killed anyone. Some fangirl YOU are.  
Zilo: Stop being mean! Thanks, **Arden**** Anam**!

Envy: Ugh! Don't get your filthy germs on my clothes! (morphs to snot-free Envy)  
Zilo: Aren't conflicting emotions fun, **Little Patch of Heaven**?  
Risty: What?! B-But...why? (tears up)  
Zilo: I think it says somewhere that Dante just switches bodies with them, then kills her old body. Or something.  
Dante: That's close enough.  
Zilo: Oh, thank you! And while we're on the subject of Envy and RM, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT HUGE REVIEW ON MY FAVORITE VICTIM! That made me sooo happy!  
Envy: How many times do I have to say I don't care? NO I didn't feel betrayed, sheesh!  
Risty: Yeek! Don't use me as a shield, I'm fragile!  
Zilo: Really?! YESYESYESYESYESSSS!!! Thank you so much! I LOVE YOU! PLATONICALLY! And please do join, we'd love your entry!

Zilo: I can never get enough of **Asj Johnson**'s reviews!  
Risty: That part was sad! I hated lying to Al like that!  
Envy: I am TELLING you people, I DON'T LIKE HER!  
Zilo: You never do what you're supposed to in dreams, right?  
Zoe: Or you forget.  
Zilo: Or that! Yeah, see, this is why I wouldn't want to be warped to Amestris. I'd rip the space-time-continuum apart with my teeth with all the spoiling I'd be doing! And yep, she dreamed of the moms! Envy's reason for going in her room is heartily explained in his 1-shot, which has been uploaded, so yay!  
Envy: Yay for who? Huh? Huh?  
Zilo: Ah, young love! It's so ridiculous!  
Ed: Hey!  
Zilo: Now you'll see what happens, tada! And thank you for entering! If you wanna write about Risty meeting that OC you mentioned, I'd love to see it!  
Risty: Me too!

Zilo: I guess it did, **Half Human Homunculi**, since it ended so oddly!  
Others: (plug ears)  
Zilo: Really?! YAY! PLEASE DO!!  
Risty: It made me sad too!  
Envy: It's a good thing she didn't, or she wouldn't be sitting here breathing right now.  
Zoe: Don't you threaten Risty May, punk!  
Al: Me? But why?  
Dante: ...  
Zilo: Yeah, how DO you respond to that?

Zilo: I'm sure, **Koinu-chan**! THANKS FOR ENTERING!  
Ed: Stop screaming already!  
Zilo: Oh! It was Bleach! Darn, I need to watch that again...

Zilo: You'll see now, **alexthegreat**! Don't cry, **tiggeranddash**!  
Risty: I'm trying, I'm trying!  
Zilo: That's one of my favorite lines, too! And thanks for entering!

Zilo: Yay, it's **chiyochan**! (hugs) I just read your last update! I wonder how Ookami will react to Inuyasha? Unless Chiyo and Kyon hide him away or something...wouldn't that be funny?  
Ed: Can we get back to THIS fic, please?  
Zilo: Sorry. Anyway!  
Risty: Aw, thank you!  
Zilo: That sounds like an interesting idea! Unfortunately it's been years since I watched Sailor Moon, so I barely remember the important plot points! Writing that kind of fic would take some research!  
Envy: Lazy.  
Zilo: HZUSH!

Zilo: Welcome, **BurningEmerald**, and congrats on your first review! Thank you so very much for shirking your work to read my fic! Just don't get in trouble for it (wink)!  
Envy: I DO NOT HAVE A SOFT SPOT!  
Zilo: I'm glad you enjoy! Hope you stick around for the rest, and the sequel!

Zilo: Welcome, **azori**! I'm glad I could kill your boredom, at least for a little while! And I'd give the cast a vacation, but they might try to run away, and we can't have that!  
Ed: (grumbles) Slave driver...  
Zilo: Back to the front lines, knave!

Zilo: Thanks, **rvb freelancer tex**!  
Envy: NEITHER, YOU LITTLE—  
Zilo: No yelling at the reviewers! Now, here's the cliffie dissolvage!

Zilo: Welcome, **Hollow Mashiro**! Thanks so much! And I hope you didn't resort to the Suspendospense after all, because it's not FDA-approved. Or so I hear! Hope you stick around!

* * *

Zilo: **Last chance to send in your homemade Omakes**, everyone! Don't miss out on this super-fun contest! The dated deadline is **March 7th**, so get cracking!

Envy: "Super fun"?

Zilo: Oh, shut up!

* * *

Random Note: Zilo reserves the right to creative license in the case of things gone unexplained in the show. So there!

* * *

**CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR: Too Many Ends**

**AKA "Don't Forget"**

_Risty May remembered this one time when she was five, and she was playing on the monkey bars. She liked to swing upside down and hook her knees over each bar, so she could wave upside down at Mommy. She swung back and forth, too hard, and hit her head on the next bar. Her vision went blank, and she slipped off the bar. In the two seconds it took for her to hit the ground, she had a sense of exhilaration mixed with dread, fear, and uncertainty. Would she live? Would it really hurt? Would her Mommy catch her?_

_Will anyone catch me now?_

_No one was near, though. Somebody was there, some other people were, but they were shadowy, distant forms. Things to be wary of. Like how people looked in the negatives of film. Fun to look at, but generally creepy._

_What does the Master think?_

_The Master was there, fortunately. Someone who could see through the fog. Risty May's hands were in hers. The Master was helping her to walk. The Master was so good._

_No!_

_But it was strange. Something in her disagreed. Some rebel part had ill feelings towards the Master. Well, Risty May would just fix that. She didn't need anything stirring up trouble in her. Nothing that would irk the Master._

_Irk? When did I start using words like "irk"?_

_It wasn't important to question things, though. It was better to just think of nice, happy things, and trust the Master. That had to be the right way. Why else would she think it? She could trust the Master to take care of everything, and she could remember happy times, fun memories, good things..._

* * *

Alphonse felt dread. Risty May's plan had completely backfired, and now he was trapped. Worse still, Risty May had taken on that same vacant look that Roze had, and he was afraid of what was going to happen to the two of them. Dante and Envy and Gluttony were a few feet away. If Al tried really hard, he could lift his head up a bit and see them in a huddle. But that didn't help him. Alchemized to the floor like he was, he couldn't do anything at all.

_Brother, where are you?_

* * *

Zoe grabbed her suitcase out from underneath the bench and straightened up with a heavy sigh. She sidestepped out of her booth and joined the line of people getting off the train. Walking on autopilot, all her thoughts were aimed towards Risty May. Where was she? Was she okay? Would they see each other again? It was painful to have to leave her rescue up to someone else. Zoe swore on everything that was important to her, if Ed failed she would tear him into pieces.

* * *

Ed didn't know if he would make it. He had thought he was dying when the pile of debris from above fell on him, trapped below in the wreckage of the zeppelin. Somehow, The Gate had allowed itself to be called on the wrong side. But now it seemed angry with him. The writhing black arms kept trying to grab him and pull him back. He fought on, using his automail and his best dodging maneuvers to evade them. He had to get back. He had to stop Dante and save Al and find Risty May. There was no other option.

* * *

_Risty May remembered when she had gotten bronze in her school's gymnastics competition. Her parents were so proud. Zoe had been there too, and she had been cheering the loudest and waving a big sign like it was a football game. Her mother had tears in her eyes, and they all group hugged at the end..._

_Then there was the time she had gone to the buffet with her aunt and her three cousins. She remembered how Darien had asked about eating the tablecloth. Astrid had laughed and cracked jokes about it to her. It was really funny. Then Darien would make faces and she would crack up when she was trying to sip her soda..._

_She remembered when she had been running to get home before it got darker, having stayed late at school to work on a project. She had tripped over something and fallen. When she turned to see what it was, it had turned out to be a leg. It was the first time she met Zoe. Zoe was pretty badly beaten up. Risty found out later that she had just quit her gang, and the only way to quit a gang was to be "beaten out". Risty May had helped her back home, and Rose was shocked to see an unfamiliar injured girl..._

* * *

_"I am SO GLAD it's summer break already!" Zoe whooped._

_"Me too! We're gonna be able to have so much fun, and go to the pool, and hang out at the mall..." Risty May agreed._

_"Sleep late, eat ice cream for breakfast, nap on the couch for hours..." Zoe said dreamily._

_They both laughed. "I definitely won't miss math," Risty May said._

_"Exactly! Math or stupid chemistry or freaking Phys Ed! No more achy muscles, community showers, or dodgeball bruises!"_

_"No more Phys Ed!" Risty May cheered._

_"No more Phys Ed! No more Phys Ed!"

* * *

Ed..._

_...Ed? Wait...what am I...No...this isn't...I'm not..._

_Stop. What are you doing? You shouldn't--_

_YOU stop! There's something I'm supposed to remember! I know there is! I have to wake up!_

_The Master won't be pleased. You mustn't._

_I have to!_

_But it was too hard. Childhood memories were converging on her, forcing her to pay attention to them. She didn't want to turn away from her mother's smiling face, from the smell of something baking, from Zoe laughing as she helped her stand. But there was something she needed to do. There was someone she needed to--_

"What the hell did you DO to her!"

_The voice broke into the stream of memories. It was sharp, angry. No, enraged. But it was crystal clear to her, and it practically reached out for her..._

"I don't see how that's your concern."

"Whatever you did, fix it right now!"

_Then a strange man spoke, and the voice faded away. Risty May cried and tried to reach for it again, but she was buffeted by a force she didn't understand. The monotone voice filled her senses._

_Obey the Master. Only the Master. Nothing else matters._

_No! I won't--_

_Obey the Master. The Master is good._

_It was too much. She wasn't strong enough. She needed that voice again. That loud, angry voice that had broken through to her. She couldn't do this on her own. She needed help._

* * *

Rose Fernandez blinked awake, then sat up, rubbing her eyes. She checked the clock from her position on the couch and saw that it was almost 8 PM. Julio had stayed late again. It seemed like he was coping with this impossible situation by working longer and harder.

With a heavy sigh, Rose got up off the couch, straightened her clothes, and then fluffed the couch pillows she had smashed underneath herself. Her neck felt stiff from the position she'd fallen asleep in. The TV was on in front of her, muted, set to some sitcom. Rose found the remote underneath herself and hit the Off button. The room plunged into darkness.

For a moment, Rose didn't move to turn on the light. She wished she hadn't woken up. In her dream, she had seen her daughter in the distance and was running towards her. Risty May had turned, her face streaked with tears, and seen her. They had just gotten within arms' reach of each other when the dream ended.

Rose passed her hand over her eyes in the dark. She missed her daughter so much. She worried about Risty May and Zoe on a daily basis. Were they all right? Were they safe? What were they doing?

Rose finally reached over and turned on the lamp. Sitting near it was a picture of herself and Risty May, a long, long time ago. Risty May was about four or five, her hair up in pigtails, clinging onto her mother's leg and half-hiding from the camera. Rose had bent at the waist, in the process of reaching down smilingly to hug her when the picture was taken.

It looked so sweet and candid. Rose reached over and lifted the picture frame, bringing it closer to her face. _Where is my baby now? _she thought, the picture going blurry as her eyes filled with tears.

_Is she still alive?_

* * *

_Memories drowned her again. Things that she should have cherished, sights and sounds and voices, they scared her. She didn't want them. She tried to fight, but there were too many. That monotone voice didn't help much either._

_She wouldn't make it. She was too afraid. Too shocked..._

_Shocked? No, she wasn't shocked. She had nothing to be shocked about. She didn't feel it in her stomach, like she usually did. She felt it in her heart. It wasn't hers. It was someone else's. It was--it was—_

_No. Do not concern yourself. It has nothing to do with you. The Master would not want you to concern yourself with it._

_But it was important. It had something important to do with her. This emotion in her heart belonged to somebody, somebody very important._

_The memories were getting stronger. Biking down the street, sweating over study notes with Zoe, dropping by the ice cream parlor on a hot day, running and hugging her dad when he got home from work. They were trying to crowd out the feeling, the little string that led from her heart to somewhere outside of the fog she was in. But somehow it didn't work. The voice started to falter._

_Obey the Master. Only t-the...obey the...obey...Dante? No, she's evil..._

_It was Ed. Ed was in shock._

_Ed! Ed! ED! I love you, Ed, please help me!_

_Her plea made the thread strengthen. It expanded, growing larger, shoving the oppressive memories away, until she could understand more clearly._

_Something was upsetting him. Scaring him even. Something had frozen his movement. The rage he had just been feeling was wiped away. He didn't understand what he was seeing. He was shocked, upset. Scared._

_She was terrified. More clarity came._

_He was trying to make himself focus, but he just couldn't. He couldn't process what he had just learned. Envy, the one he had hated all this time...Envy was like...his brother? He loved his family dearly. He hated Envy truly. Envy was basically his family. This couldn't be right. He was frozen. He didn't know what to do._

_Envy looked too triumphant to him. Something was wrong. He was about to--but Al—_

_She knew. She knew what this meant. She had to snap him out of it. She had to help him!_

_No! ED! WAIT!_

"WAIT!" Risty May screamed out loud, her brain breaking through.

It was too late.

* * *

Winry frowned as she sifted through the screws at her elbow. She needed a B-20. None of these looked big enough. She glanced over them all, then her eyes strayed to the phone. She wondered who she was expecting to receive a call from.

Maybe she was hoping Ed would call, telling her he and Al were all right, and they had Risty May in tow, and were dropping by for a visit. Winry had to admit that her heart was squeezed with worry. She felt almost a sense of foreboding. It had been holding onto her for some time. It was what caused Winry to examine Ed's face so closely when he left, as if to burn it into her memory. She didn't know why. Maybe she was afraid she'd never see him again.

_No, that's silly, _Winry thought, finally finding the right screw. _Ed's an idiot, but he can squeeze out of any situation. He'll be back. And when he does get back, he better not have junked up his automail._

* * *

Even through her tears of grief, she felt it when the form underneath her moved. Riza's head snapped up, and she looked with a growing hope down at Roy's bloodstained face. To her immense relief, he coughed.

"Sir!" she exclaimed, very gently rolling him over so he could breathe better.

Roy's remaining eye fluttered open. It was clouded. He seemed to have a hard time settling on her face. "Hawkeye," he rasped weakly.

"Don't talk, sir," Riza told him. "I'll call for an ambulance."

"Archer...where..."

"I shot him," she said firmly.

Roy cracked a smile and weakly patted her hand. "Remind me not to...piss you off again."

"Just be quiet."

* * *

It was over. Finally, vengeance was his. At _last_. Envy's wide grin could not be removed for anything. He got up, pulling his arm out of Edward's chest as he did, so he dropped him on the ground. The spike morphed into a blood-free arm and hand.

The stunned look remained on Ed's face even as he stared up at the ceiling, dying in a pool of his own blood. A stunned silence seemed to have gripped most of the occupants of the room.

"...Ed...?" Roze whispered, looking much less trance-like.

"...Brother...?" Al said in a disbelieving tone.

"H-he's...dead?" Wrath whimpered.

Risty May looked like someone had shot her parents in front of her eyes. Envy knew she was in love with Ed, so he wasn't surprised at her horrified, wide-eyed expression. He felt the tiniest pangs of sympathy at her devastation, but he ignored them.

"That's right, he's finally dead," Envy sneered to Wrath. "And he's just the first one. Soon _every_ filthy human will be dead, until nothing but Homunculi remain." He hoped this would finally shake Risty May's persistence of friendship with him.

Risty May sank to her knees. Roze, now alert to the world, screamed Edward's name. Envy threw back his head and laughed.

* * *

Risty May couldn't move. She couldn't speak. She couldn't do anything. She was simply too...too...

Ed was dead. Ed had died right in front of her. Envy had killed Ed right in front of her. _Ed had a hole in his chest_.

Roze screamed somewhere near her. Envy laughed evilly. Al probably wanted to cry but couldn't. Tears filled Risty May's eyes and overflowed onto her cheeks.

It was too much for her senses. Somewhere, in a tiny corner of her mind, she knew that Al would get up and save Ed, but it seemed impossible, insignificant. Seeing these things on TV was one thing. Even then, it had made her cry a little. But now, having to see the wound, smell the blood, know that the boy she loved was _dead_, nothing made sense anymore. Nothing seemed happy. The world seemed like a horrible, depressed place, perfect for goths and emos, maybe.

Roze tried to run to Ed, but Dante grabbed her arm. Risty May couldn't move if she tried. Shock rooted her to the spot, on her knees, her stupid dress bunched around her.

Her mouth moved on its own. "P-Please...don't...Ed..." She didn't know what she was trying to say. Her heart hurt too much. Edward was dead. She had failed. She was horrible. A horrible, terrible, stupid girl.

Her heart cracked.

Risty May clutched her chest, feeling a wrongness. Not a pain, just...a wrongness. It suddenly seemed wrong to be conscious. Her organs seemed to get confused and stop working. She forgot what direction to face, how to tell time, what her name was, how to stay upright. She fell.

Her heart burst into millions of pieces. Each piece was as sharp as glass and pierced every part of her body from inside. Risty May couldn't hear a single beat. She felt sleepy. She wanted to die. She had lost Ed.

Of course. Ed was dead. Now she had to die. That was the way their connection worked. Well, it was right. She didn't deserve to live if she couldn't keep Ed from dying when she _knew_ it would happen. She wondered if they had Heaven and hell in Amestris. She knew Ed didn't think so, at least. But it was probably healthy to disagree with him on a few things.

Risty May's eyes closed. The last sound she heard was a sharp clap, reminiscent of Ed's.

* * *

Alphonse knew one thing for certain. He could not allow this to simply happen. He concentrated on the two things that had just occurred—Ed's murder, and Risty May's subsequent collapse—to motivate him. Ed had mentioned his strange connection with Risty May before, and Al remembered the time Risty May had been stabbed and Ed had collapsed as well. Two deaths for the price of one. He wouldn't allow it.

Dante glanced down at Risty May, who lay lifeless on the floor. "I suppose it was too much of a shock to see her Edward die in front of her eyes," she commented casually, as if on the weather. "Not much of a seer if she was so surprised."

"Who cares?" Envy scoffed.

Al cared. He couldn't just lie here and let his brother and a friend die without any sort of intervention from him. Gluttony was still eating his stomach but was moving towards his hand. Al had to get his hands free. He looked for something—anything—and saw a small puddle of that acidic drool melting the floor near his pinky.

If he could get that onto his arm somehow...maybe he could melt the part of his armor attached to the floor. All he needed was one hand free.

He was mostly immobile, but he had a little bit of movement in a couple of his fingers, as if the array wasn't detailed enough. He wiggled his fourth finger towards the drool. He just managed to get the tip of his finger into it, and then another giant glob of drool plopped onto the armor's forearm. Alphonse glanced up and saw Gluttony's open mouth hovering nearby.

The drool melted through one side of the forearm and a part of the underside. Al felt mobility return and thanked Dante for turning Gluttony into an even more mindless idiot.

* * *

_"Okay, so, what happened again?"_

_Risty May laughed. "Zoe, you watched it with me!"_

_"Fell asleep," Zoe said, shrugging. "Summarize for me."_

_"Okay. So let's see..." Risty May put a finger to her chin. "Al clapped his hands and dissolved Gluttony's jaw--"_

_"Yuck!"_

_"Well, what would you do if someone was eating you up?" Risty May pointed out reasonably._

_Zoe crossed her arms and scrunched her brows, then laughed. "Use whatever part of me was left to kick their ass. Okay, go ahead."_

_"Okay, so then Al stood up, and he had all the symbols all over his body, right?" Zoe nodded. "So Dante was all 'What are you doing, impudent child!' And Al was all, 'Back off, wee-otch, I got the power now' and--"_

_Zoe cracked up. "I doubt that's what they said!" she said between laughs._

_"I'm paraphrasing!" Risty May giggled. "So anyway, Al was like, 'Ed's not dead yet, I can still get his soul back' and then Envy gets pissed and tries to jump him, but Al claps and starts transmuting, and the whole room gets sucked up in the glow. Envy shows up at the Gate, and Ed tells him about London and Hohenheim still being alive, and Envy gets all pissed and yanks open the Gate doors, and the Gate babies--"_

_Zoe snickered._

_"Hey!"_

_"Sorry, but that term is funny. 'Gate babies'? Who came UP with that?"_

_"I dunno," Risty May laughed. "So then--well you remember the part inside the Gate, right?"_

_"Yeah, saw that on YouTube."_

_"Okay, so then Ed wakes up back in the ballroom and he's got his limbs back, Dante's gone, Wrath's offscreen, and Roze is leaning over him, and he tells her to take Wrath and go, and he draws a huge circle and--"_

_"Okay, I remember THAT part!"_

_"See?" Risty May grinned._

_Zoe shook her head. "It sounds totally crazy. But whatever you say. I'll probably forget it all in a month anyhow."_

_"But it's such a great finale!"_

_"I guess. In my opinion, Ed should've gotten to stab Dante, instead of Whatshisface eating her."_

_"I was just glad he didn't really die, is all!" Risty May said vehemently. "That part made me cry."_

_"Yeah, it would suck to get impaled," Zoe agreed._

* * *

"...sty May! Come on, wake up. I know you're there."

A beating heart. Her heart wasn't in millions of pieces, piercing her body anymore. It was intact and beating, albeit rapidly. A voice was calling to her through the fog of unconscious. She willingly reached for it and broke through to reality.

Her eyes fluttered, then opened. She was lying on her back on the floor, the dress crunched painfully under the small of her back. A blurry figure was leaned over her. Her vision cleared, and Risty May realized that it was Ed.

Ed. Her Ed. He wasn't dead anymore.

"Ed..." she managed to say. Her tongue was stuck to the roof of her mouth. Tears filled her eyes, poured out and ran down each side of her face into her hair. "Ed," she said again when she got some spit back into her mouth.

Ed's eyes filled with relief. "You're okay," he said.

"Ed..." she said again, a little senselessly. Then, in a flash, it returned to her, and she remembered what had happened. Everything that had just happened, what she must have missed. But Ed was alive, his chest minus a gaping hole. With renewed strength, Risty May sat up and threw her arms around his neck, hugging him. "You're alive!" she sobbed. "Y-You're...really alive! You're not dead!"

"Yeah, I'm okay," Ed said, letting her hug him.

"That was so awful! I thought..." Risty May didn't even finish the sentence, but just held onto him, crying.

They stayed that way for a little bit, until Risty May got her tears under control. She let him go, wiping the tears off her face and smiling a little sheepishly. "Sorry about jumping you like that," she said.

"It's okay," Ed said, smiling a little sheepishly himself. His cheeks were flushed, the way they were whenever she jumped him with a hug.

"Are you gonna try to get Al back now?" Risty May asked.

Ed nodded, his face getting serious again. "That and bring this place down," he said. "I'm glad you're all right, Risty May. You better get out of here. Roze isn't too far ahead; you can probably catch--"

"No."

Ed blinked, surprised at her refusal, but he started again. "Seriously. It'll be dangerous in here, you need--"

"No!" Risty May said, a little louder, making him start. "Ed, I'm going to help you."

"Risty May, you don't know that much about alchemy," Ed said, barely patient.

"You draw the circles on me, then. I'll be more fodder for your transmutation."

"No!" Ed snapped. "Something could happen to you. I mean it, you need to go! I won't do that to you!"

"You will too! I've already thought I'd never see you again like 70 times! I won't lose you again! Wherever you go, I'm going too!" Risty May announced.

Ed looked stunned, then he glared, though he wasn't angry, more confused. "Why?" he demanded.

"Because! I--" Risty May halted, realizing what she was about to tell him. Her promise not to add to his burden floated through her mind, and she flushed and looked down. "Just because. I won't be separated from you again. I'll just be by your side no matter what, all right?" she said softly.

Edward's anger had disappeared. He looked at her, his brows scrunched.

"Please," Risty May said, looking up and into his eyes, without looking away for the first time.

Ed set his mouth into a line. "I don't know if I'm going to make it. I wouldn't want to take you down with me," he explained.

"If something happens to you I'll die anyway. So you've got nothing to lose," Risty May said. "Your only option is to let me stay and help. I'm not leaving. I can be stubborn if I try really hard, Ed."

Ed crossed his arms and scowled. Risty May clutched her necklace. They stared at each other for a long time, him trying to stare her down, her trying to keep from looking away.

Finally, he was the first to blink away and sighed heavily. "You have to do _exactly_ what I say."

"I will!" Risty May promised, eyes shining.

"Okay." Ed got up and helped her stand also. "First I need to find something to write with." He looked around. "If there's something heavy enough I can maybe carve up the floor--"

"Will this help?" Ed turned back to Risty May to see her holding her keychain marker out to him.

Ed's brows went up in surprise. "Yeah, that should help a lot!" he said, taking it.

* * *

About an hour later, they were ready. Ed had transmuted the ink in the marker so that it lasted longer and didn't wear away as easily. He then proceeded to draw the necessary circle around Risty May, while she stood perfectly still holding her skirts above the ground. This way they didn't run the risk of her walking on the circle and messing it up.

When that was done, Ed took off his jacket and shirt. Risty May had colored brightly at this, but managed to stay calm while a shirtless Ed transmuted the sleeves off her dress. He drew the appropriate circles on his own hands, chest and forehead first before drawing them on Risty May.

Again, she had to control her blushing at Ed's proximity to her. He held her head in place by the chin with his newly restored right hand while he drew a circle on her forehead with his left. It didn't take him more than about a minute, and Risty May got to watch his eyes as he focused on the task. It was embarrassing to be so close, but at the same time it was strangely comfortable to her. But all too soon he was done and had stepped back a bit to draw on her hands.

The craziest one was when Ed drew the last circle on Risty May. Since they both refused to have him drawing on her chest, he drew on her throat instead. The marker tickled, and Ed was breathing on her neck, which made Risty May have to concentrate _really _hard on something else. To her credit, when he finished he was blushing a little himself.

"Okay, I think that's it," Ed said, unceremoniously tossing the used-up marker over his shoulder and out of the circle.

"Okay," Risty May agreed nervously.

Ed examined her expression. "You can still go, you know," he told her.

"And possibly smudge up a line? Nuh-uh. Plus, I told you I'm sticking with you," Risty May said firmly. She couldn't go through anymore Ed Separation Anxiety ever again.

Ed smiled at her, and she automatically smiled back. He looked down at the circle for a long moment, and Risty May wondered if, since she was here, he was thinking those last lines he had said in the series. He looked up then, and clapped his hands together. "Ready?"

Risty May swallowed. "Yeah." She held out her hands. Ed clasped hands with her, and they both closed their eyes, seeing the tail end of the circles activating on their skin and around them. Risty May felt a warmth on her skin where they were drawn, and she had the feeling of floating. She held tightly to Ed's hands, willing any alchemical prowess she had to him. She hoped to herself that maybe if she was entered into the equation, Ed could keep his limbs, or maybe Al his memories. That was her wish.

The white glow filled the room.

* * *

Zilo: I'm labeling this as Complete because technically it is, but there WILL BE AN EPILOGUE which leads into the sequel! So stick around one last time!

Risty: Bye, everyone!

Ed: We're almost free, yes!

Zoe: Shut up.

Zilo: YOU READERS KNOW THE ENVY 1-SHOT IS UP, RIGHT?

* * *


	35. EPILOGUE

**Hundredth Reviewers:  
****100: Wandering Hitokiri****  
200: Namikazelil****  
300: Half Human Homunculi  
****400: Namikazelil  
500!: KatrinaEagle**

**Other Stats: **168,425 words, 34 chapters, 512 reviews, 18,801 hits, 5 C2s, 87 faves, and 86 alerts! You guys are the BEST! Thank you so much!

* * *

Zilo: I'm glad you liked it so much, **azori**! You know, I just might try that...  
Ed: You are NOT putting us in a damn closet.  
Dante: And I would NEVER serve others.  
Zilo: But if I wrote that you—  
Ed/Dante: NO!!

Zilo: (gives **chiyochan **a bunch of tissues) I hope you haven't died yet!! Hehehe. And thank you! You write the sequel, and I am SO tuning in. I wonder what kind of things Chiyo would do in FMA?  
Ed: WILL YOU STAY ON THIS FIC ALREADY?  
Zilo: Jeez. Sorr-ee.

Zilo: Congratulations, **KatrinaEagle**, on being our 500th reviewer!  
Envy: No, keep going. I like this.  
Zilo: Here's the epilogue!

Zilo: Here it is, **arden_anam**! OMG! **The Sora-muffin **died!  
Chapter: (is bricked with calculator)  
Zilo: All of those are coolio, except that last one! I TRIED SO HARD TO MAKE THE CHAPTER LONG! (cries)  
Envy: Oh, God, not you too...(knocks out Zilo)  
Ed/Risty/Zoe: Hey!

Risty: Don't cry, **tiggeranddash**!  
Envy: (regenerates) What-EVER.  
Zoe: Well, here's Zilo's next chapter, so buck up!

Risty: **alexthegreat, KodeLyokoKrazy, HeeHeeHee, **thank you for your reviews! Zilo would thank you herself, but Envy knocked her out. (gives Envy meaningful look)  
Envy: What? You want me to APOLOGIZE or something?  
Risty: Well, you could try controlling your temper...  
Envy: (snorts)

Risty: Aw, but we love your long reviews, **Colonel Bastard**!  
Zoe: But we're glad you liked everything!  
Risty: Uh, uh, please don't get angry! Zilo did it for suspense! Please don't stop being her friend! Please! (tears up)  
Zoe: (pats Risty's back) Well, let's ask Ed if he likes Risty May! Ed! You like her, DON'T YOU? (gives meaningful glare)  
Ed: (turns bright red) W-W-What the hell are you asking me that for? Just leave me alone!  
Riza: I've heard that the answers to those questions and more are in the sequel, so maybe you can rein in your anger for that.

Risty: B-But...I was just trying to do the right thing, **Koinu-chan**...  
Zilo: (revives to get the cookie) It's like they say, teenagers are dumb! (devours cookie)  
All Teenagers Present: HEY!!  
Zilo: (hugs **K-c**) Don't worry, Hana, there's definitely a sequel! Hope you'll join us!

Zilo: Yes! I ALWAYS look forward to **Asj Johnson**'s reviews!  
Envy: Suck-up.  
Zilo: SHUT UP! Anyway, all the questions that the ending raised will be answered in the sequel, which gives you an incentive to stick around!  
Zoe: Hey, yeah! What happens to me?  
Zilo: You'll see here! But at least my writing was effective how I wanted it to be!  
Risty: Oh, the short you sent was so interesting!  
Zilo: That's my line! And it was really great to read! It made me wanna know what happened next! If you'd like, I can send you a more detailed review on my thoughts when I was reading it, like you do with me!

Zilo: Heheh, looks like I accidentally fooled **agent000**! I'm sorry, but I'm just addicted to cliffies. It's easier because I know what happens afterwards, haha!

And, the epilogue ties up a couple of ends, but not the most important one! THAT will be reserved for the sequel. So I hope to see you there! Have a good one!

Zilo: **Little Patch of Heaven**! That part of the movie freaked me out too, because I thought that Ed had gone nuts and was randomly breaking his automail.  
Ed: I'm not an idiot, jeez!  
Zilo: I'm glad you liked it mostly! I was nervous about writing in the different characters' points of view because I didn't make them, obviously, so I couldn't know for certain what they were all thinking. At least I was effective.  
Envy: I AM NOT PAIRING UP WITH HER, DAMMIT!  
Zilo: You know you want tooooo...  
Envy: NO I DON'T!!!!  
Zilo: I'm afraid I can't tell you how Risty affects everything (at least not now)! You'll have to wait until the sequel to see what!  
Ed: It better be something good, and not bad!  
Zilo: Yeah, yeah, sure. Since I didn't get anything else from you, I accepted that as your entry! Thanks for entering, eh?

Zilo: Hooray, **Namikazelil**! I'm glad you liked it!!  
Envy: Yes, : But it was still mean!  
Envy: Whatever.  
Zilo: I'm looking forward to sequeling! Even though I'm having to do a lot of research so I'm not just pulling things out of my butt, but anyway!  
Zoe: Gross image.

* * *

Zilo: The contest is closed! The submitted Omakes have been judged by me, my sister, and my two betas! The 2nd place Omake (AKA the runner-up) gets an honorable mention!

Risty: Yay!

Zilo: I'm sorry, I have to pause for a moment to bring up a review for Chapter 32. I didn't quite realize the gravity of its wording until I read it aloud to my sister Eri and our dad walked in. Ahem. "NO! KEEP GOING! KEEP GOING! KEEP GOING! KEEP GOING! AH! DONT STOP! PLEASSE!!" You can imagine what my dad thought I might be reading aloud to my impressionable Eri.

Risty: I don't get it.

Envy: You wouldn't.

Ed: You don't need to either.

Zoe: Yeah, wait until you're older.

Risty: ...(mildly irritated) Guys...I'm not a baby.

* * *

**Epilogue: Don't Leave Anybody Behind  
_One Year And Six Months After_**

Zoe scribbled a receipt and handed it to the man. "Here you go, come again!" she said to him.

"Thanks!" the man said, picking up his packet of meat and exiting.

Zoe yawned widely, covering it with her hand. She reached back and fluffed her low ponytail, which dipped halfway to her shoulder blades. The ends felt kind of fuzzy. She should probably trim her hair soon. The 18-year-old never used to let it grow so long.

The back door opened, and Al came through, looking sweaty. "Dude, no," Zoe said, pinching her nose.

"Sorry!" Al said with a laugh. "I was just looking for my book."

Zoe glanced around the storefront and pointed to a chair behind the counter. "Right there," she said.

"Thanks." Al went over and picked up the book.

"How'd it go today?" Zoe asked, her voice coming out nasal because of her closed nose.

"I'm still getting bruises," Al said, shrugging. "But Teacher said I'm getting much better, so I'm glad for that at least!"

"Hooray, now please go shower," Zoe said.

Al laughed again. "I'm going," he said, going back through the back door.

Zoe grinned and released her nose as she tallied up the money from that last sale and put it away in the cash register. He probably didn't even stink, but Zoe wasn't taking her chances. She wondered idly when Sig would come to relieve her as she bent over to get a box at her feet.

The front door opened and closed. Zoe grabbed the box, set it on the chair, and straightened up. "How can I--" she broke off at the sight of the familiar girl.

"Zoe!" the girl exclaimed, sounding relieved. She bounded over to the counter, her high ponytail flapping behind her. She was dressed for a completely different era--denim jacket, jeans, sneakers, and a lavender shirt that said "VOTE FOR LELOUCH" in white letters. She carried a backpack and a tote bag, both bulging. "I'm so glad I finally found you! I have been running around for ages, trying to find you! I finally got some intel from Riza—I mean, Lieutenant Hawkeye—that you were here."

Zoe was stunned and simply stared at her. The girl paused at the counter, seeing her gawking look. "Is something wrong?" she asked hesitantly.

The back door flew open, and Izumi came out, looking like she hadn't just been beating up a minor in the backyard. "I'm here to relieve you, Zoe," she said, "so you can--" Like Zoe, her voice stuck in her throat when she got a good look at the girl. However, she was quicker to respond. "Risty May?" she said in a stunned voice.

The girl's breath hitched, but she shook her head.

"No," Zoe said, finally finding her voice.

Izumi acknowledged both denials by taking a second look at the girl. She was a bit too short, her skin darker than Risty's, and instead of a startling blue, her eyes were dark brown.

"I'm Risty May's cousin," the girl said.

"Astrid!" Zoe exclaimed a split second later.

* * *

Five minutes later, 17-year-old Astrid McHale was sitting at the kitchen table with the Curtises, Al, and Zoe, gratefully eating plain rolls. Between bites, she explained what was going on. Mason was still in town, so he wasn't there for the story.

"I came to get Zoe," she said, taking a huge bite out of her 4th roll. "Your mom's super worried about you. She would've come herself, but she can't."

"Why not?" Zoe asked.

"She's too old. There's an age limit on the chain letters, or so we're told. 19 years."

Zoe's brows scrunched.

"What about Risty May?" Izumi demanded.

"I'm going to get her next. Ma'am. We decided I should come get you first, Zoe, since you're older and have less time," Astrid explained.

"'We'?" Izumi repeated.

"My mom and dad, Zoe's mom, and Risty's mom and dad," Astrid explained. "They all discussed it thoroughly and decided I was the only one who could come. Everyone else is either too young or too old." She finished off the roll.

Zoe considered. That made sense, then. "I'm turning 19 in two weeks," she pointed out.

Astrid stared at her for a long moment. "You _are_?"

"Yeah." Zoe looked at her oddly, then realized why she might be surprised. "Time runs differently here than it does back home.

"Oh. Then I got here just in time," Astrid said, recovering. "Everyone's pretty worried about you."

"I want to come with you to get Risty May," Zoe said.

"No!" Astrid said immediately. "We don't know how long it'll take, and if you turn 19 before we find her and get home, you have to stay in whatever universe you're in."

Zoe gasped in dismay. "But what about you?" Izumi asked.

"I've still got a year and 79 days," Astrid said. "I'll be all right."

Zoe was surprised to hear this. She and Astrid had always been the same age.

"Why 19, I wonder," Sig rumbled.

"We don't know," Astrid said, starting in on her 5th roll. "Whatever the reason for the age limit, we have to respect it. Zoe, do you have any stuff you need to pack?"

"I've grown out of all my stuff," Zoe said, indicating the shirt and trousers she wore. "All I have are Risty May's things..." She trailed off, then abruptly stood. "I'll go pack." She left quickly.

"Did I upset her?" Astrid wondered aloud.

"She's a temperamental girl. Tell me, do you know where Risty May is?" Izumi said, commanding Astrid's attention.

Astrid turned back to her. "We hope. We're not sure though. I talked to some people here who gave me some clues. Um...my dad thinks she's dead."

Al started in surprise. "Do you?" Izumi asked, eyes narrowing.

"I won't let myself think of that until I see proof. I just believe she's still alive, and hopefully in safe hands," Astrid said.

Izumi nodded solemnly.

"Do you think she's with Brother?" Al asked suddenly.

Astrid glanced at him while Izumi frowned. "We hope," Astrid said.

"He's alive?" Izumi said, sounding surprised.

Astrid nodded. "He's alive. On the other side. The question is whether or not Risty's with him."

Izumi and Sig exchanged glances, and Izumi sighed in relief. "So she was right," she said, mostly to herself.

"I'm back, let's go." They all turned to see Zoe with her old, beat-up suitcase in hand.

"You want to leave now?" Al said, sounding dismayed.

Zoe gave him a smile. "Yeah. I don't want my mom worrying about me."

Astrid stood up and went to her. "You've got everything?" she said.

Zoe patted her suitcase in response.

"You think you're leaving without a proper goodbye?" Izumi said sharply, standing.

Zoe immediately snapped to attention. "Mrs. Curtis, Mr. Curtis, thanks for your hospitality all this time. I really appreciate it," Zoe said dutifully.

"Good," Izumi said. "Remember to respect your elders."

"Thank you for your help," Astrid said to them, bowing. Izumi and Sig nodded to her.

"Um...goodbye, Zoe," Al said, looking a little sad.

Zoe smiled at him and gave him a thumbs-up. "Keep training, Squirt."

Astrid grabbed onto Zoe's wrist in one hand. With the other, she reached into her back pocket and pulled out a folded-up piece of paper, which she held before them like a shield. She closed her eyes as Zoe and the others stared at her, and the paper started to move of its own accord. Then, Astrid and Zoe were gone. It was like when one films an object and then uses a cutaway to remove it. They were there one instant, and in a split second, nothing was where they stood, except for stirred-up dust motes.

The Curtises and Al stared at the spot, as if expecting them to reappear. "She's really gone?" Al finally said.

"It looks that way," Sig rumbled.

Izumi remained silent as they all continued to look. Finally, after a full three minutes, she clapped her fist into her palm. "Nothing productive will happen with us standing around here," she said, heading for the door to the shop. Sig rumbled an agreement and got up, going to where they kept the new meats.

Al remained at the table, still staring at the spot where the two girls had been. He would miss Zoe, but he was glad she would get to go home. He was doubly glad Astrid had shown up. Now he knew without a doubt. His brother was alive.

And he would find him.

* * *

Edward's eyes blinked open, and he yawned widely. He had fallen asleep sprawling on the couch, the book he had been reading now lying open on his chest. He sat up on the couch and swung his feet onto the floor, wondering what had woken him, and checked the clock on the wall. It was almost eleven at night.

"I'm back!" a voice called. Ed stretched his arms over his head, hearing a pop in his left arm and a creak in his right. He turned to look over the back of the couch. "About time you got back!" he commented, draping his crossed arms over the back of the couch.

"Sorry I'm so late. We fell behind schedule a little," Alfons Heiderich told him, hanging his coat up on the coat rack in the corner. "Not only that, I misplaced yesterday's notes and had to spend an hour looking for them all."

Ed yawned. "Other than that?"

"Not a bad day," Alfons said, smiling. "Did you go to the doctor today?"

"I was going to, but I got busy," Ed hedged.

Alfons sighed. "Ed, I thought we talked about this. Those chest pains don't look like they're going to go away on their own, so you should have someone check it out and make sure you're all right. You can't use pain pills for the rest of your life."

"I'll do it tomorrow," Ed said, scowling. "I didn't have any today, so I'll be fine."

"What is it with you and going to the doctor?" Alfons said.

"Hungry?" Ed asked, changing the subject. "I made some dinner. It's cold now, but I'm sure it's still edible."

"Wow, thanks, Ed," Alfons said with a laugh. "I'm kind of tired, so I think I'll just head to bed. Oh, and here, you left your coat outside again." He tossed the dark brown coat at Ed, who caught it before it could smack him in the face.

Ed sniffed it, then grimaced. "It smells like smoke. Ugh."

Alfons shrugged. "You know that one guy always makes fires to burn the leaves he rakes up. I don't know why you insist on leaving it out there," he said.

"I don't do it on purpose," Ed protested.

"How can you _not _do it on purpose?" Alfons said. His attention was then distracted by something on the floor. "Oh—did this fall out of the pocket?" He bent down and was back up a moment later, holding a small white square out to Ed. "Here you go."

Ed took the item and flipped it over. For a moment, he looked at the picture silently, then smiled at Alfons. "Thanks. I was looking for this."

"A friend of yours?" Alfons asked.

"Yeah. She was. Is, I mean," Edward corrected himself.

"She's a pretty girl. I didn't know you knew any Gypsies, though," Alfons commented.

Ed didn't bother to correct him. "Anyway, I'm off to bed. Don't stay up too late with those books, all right?" Alfons said as he headed for his room.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Ed said, waving a hand.

He waited until Alfons had closed the door to his room to sigh and let himself sink back into the couch. He held the picture in front of his face. It was the one he had carried around when she went missing. That was almost two years ago, he reflected.

Why was he always thinking of her in past tense? If she were really dead, then he would be also. That had almost happened to both of them, once each when the other received—ironically—an injury to the chest area that caused them to lose consciousness. The fact that he was alive meant that she was also.

But then where was she?

Edward closed his eyes. The last memory he had of her was just before they opened the Gate together. What had happened inside had escaped his memory. The next he remembered after that was when he came out on the other side, he was very, very sick, and his automail port was back. And she was not with him.

He still remembered how adamant she had been about staying with him and helping him. He wished he had been firmer in sending her away. In truth, he had allowed himself a little selfishness and let her stay. He had known what he was doing was risky, but he had appreciated not being alone.

Now he regretted it. He should have continued to argue with her and worn her down. After all, nobody could beat him for stubbornness. Now, because he'd been selfish just one time, she was who-knew-where. He could only hope that somehow she had been sent back to the other side of the Gate. Maybe she and Al were perfectly fine on the other side. Maybe—though it wasn't likely, a person could hope—she had somehow been sent back to her home.

Something told him she wasn't okay, though.

Ed sighed through his nose. A thought floated through his mind, but he pushed it away. The last time he had tried to reach her through their mental connection had been a dud, just like the dozens upon dozens of other times he had tried when he had realized she wasn't on this side of the Gate. He'd finally given up trying five months ago, but sometimes wondered if maybe one more try might be the trick.

_No. It's useless. It won't do me any good to wallow in the past, _Ed told himself. He finally got up from the couch and made his way to his bedroom to get ready for bed.

But even as he stripped down to his underclothes and undid the high ponytail his hair was in, the thought of trying one last time wouldn't leave him alone. Finally, when he was in bed, the lights off and the dim glow of moonlight peeking through the slightly opened curtains, he gave in and resolved to try one last time, just to shut the annoying voice up. And then he wouldn't torture himself with this again.

He relaxed his body and focused on her image in his mind. He thought of the last time he had seen her, when she was wearing that extravagant dress, her hair loose, her blue eyes lit up with determination to help him.

Nothing.

Ed tried harder, focusing entirely on her. He thought of memories of her to properly direct his thoughts, like he always did before. What she looked like, what she sounded like and talked like. How she would always grab and hold onto the necklace Izumi had made for her. How she got so easily flustered. How she always used to trip over absolutely nothing.

_HOW DARE YOU!!_

Ed jerked upright, his eyes flying open. The screamed statement echoed in his head. His heart was beating wildly from surprise.

"What the hell was what?" he wondered aloud.

Once his heart had calmed down, he lay back down and covered himself up. That sudden loud voice had startled him. He tried to focus on its memory. Had it been her?

He wasn't sure if it had been her, or if he just wanted it to be her. Huffing in frustration, Ed turned over and yanked the covers over his head. Maybe it hadn't been a failure, but it hadn't helped either.

_I hope you're okay, Risty May._

* * *

Zilo: That's it! Show's over!

FMA Cast: FREEDOM! (stampede for the door and break out, cheering wildly)

Zilo: ...Jerks.

Zoe: So now what?

Risty: Yeah, what happens next, cousin?

Zilo: Well, the story has officially reached its end. Buuut, there's an extra-special chapter after this! It's not mandatory to be read, but it's filled with lots of special features, the winner of the Omake contest, and a preview of the sequel! So you won't wanna miss it!

Risty: Sounds like fun! I can't wait!

Zoe: Well, guess we'll meet back up then?

Zilo: Yep! See you there!

* * *

**OMAKE THEATER  
_Honorably Mentioned Runner-up in the Omake Contest_**

"There," Dante said, standing up. "Now, for our next matter." She  
turned to Risty May.

"You see, dear, we've started Gluttony on a diet." Dante's face suddenly  
broke into a huge smile. "We think feeding him humans is a bit barbaric, so  
we're trying to cook him some human food. It's easier to digest anyway!"

Envy spoke, "We have a problem though. Everyone just lost their memories and  
now we have no one to cook."

Al laughed nervously, "Is there a reason I'm transmuted to the floor, then?"

"Yes, you're going to be our oven," Dante said carelessly without turning  
away from Risty May.

"WHAT?!" Risty and Al shouted at the same time.

_submitted by: Koinu-chan (!!)_


	36. EXTRA: Special Features

_(beware! This was speed-betaed so I could put it up ASAP, so there might be typos! If you find any, please let me know!)_

_

* * *

  
_

Zilo: Welcome! Welcome everyone!

Envy: It took you so long to put this up, why?

Zilo: What shut up!

Ed: Can we get this over with already?

Risty: Yes, let's get to it!

Zilo: All righty! Prepare for an onslaught of stuff that doesn't really make sense! Extra Omakes, deleted stuff, the winner of the contest, some fun facts about TSG, and lots of rambling!

Al: Hope everyone enjoys!

* * *

(...)

* * *

**OMAKE THEATER  
**_Mary Sue Takes The World By Storm  
(The Epic Fail Conclusion)_

"Yay! I'm totally a State Alchemist now!" May cheered, twirling her State Alchemist pocket watch around a finger. She cheerfully ignored as Ed's title was publicly revoked so that she could be declared the youngest State Alchemist in history.

"Excuse me, are you the famous new alchemist?" an excited voice cried.

May turned around to greet her newest fan. "Why yes I—"

CLANG! A frying pan was whacked upside her head, knocking her out cold. Zoe Ferguson sighed with relief and dragged the unconscious girl away by the ankles. She tossed her into the back of a truck and closed the doors.

"Um, where are we taking her again?" Risty May Fernandez asked hesitantly from behind the wheel as Zoe climbed in the passenger side.

"Back to Headquarters to be de-Sued. Then the narcotics crew is coming out to remove the OMFGLUVSUE serum from everybody's system," Zoe reminded her.

"How on earth did she get that stuff into the water supply?" Risty May wondered as she shifted the truck into Drive and pulled away from the curb.

"Hell if I know. Next stop's the military HQ to pick up that weird chimera-girl and Roy's long lost triplet cousins," Zoe said, reading from a clipboard.

"What about those three Homunculi girls we saw at the border?"

"They've got Godmode powers, so the Super Crews are getting them," Zoe pointed out.

"I feel like I'm doing something illegal," Risty May mumbled uncomfortably.

"We're saving lives and sanity, trust me."

**THE END**

(No, really. Did you think I'd let that Sue get away with this stupidity?)

* * *

_Everybody Loves Risty_

Roy was minding his own business pretending to do paperwork when his office door was violently thrown open.

"Colonel Mustang! There's an emergency!" Al cried.

Roy and Riza looked up in alarm. "What's going on?" Roy asked, starting to stand up.

"There's a mob outside Brother's room! Risty May's trapped inside!"

"A mob?" Riza repeated.

"You just have to come see it!"

So they followed Al to the Elric dorm thingy. And, as he had said, there was a mob of men crowded around outside, pressed so close the door couldn't possibly be opened. Most of them wore the military uniform. Several of them were waving bouquets of flowers. All of them were yelling

"What the hell...?" Roy said. Then some of the things they were yelling began to become clear.

"Come on out, darling!"

"Risty May, I love you!"

"Lemme take you to dinner!"

"Sweeetheeeart!"

"Let me show you my affection!"

The three of them stared. Roy glared, then suddenly his arm flashed out and plunged into the crowd. His hand emerged with Havoc's collar in it.

"Havoc, THAT IS A FELONY," he growled.

"I just want her two know I'll wait for her!" Havoc pleaded.

Suddenly a blur came out of nowhere and plowed into the crowd of men, bowling them over. Zoe now stood in front of the door, arms spread wide, a demonic look on her face. "All of you pervs are ADULTS!" she bellowed. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!"

"For some reason all of these guys have fallen in love with Risty May!" Al said.

Zoe glared at each of the men in turn, practically stealing their souls with her gaze. "You freaks better back up before I take half your heads and shove them up the other half's asses," she threatened.

The door creaked open behind her. Zoe whirled around and stared. Some of the men looked excited that Risty May was finally coming out. But the room was empty, the window broken.

"She was kidnapped?!" Riza exclaimed.

Yes, she was kidnapped. Two guesses to the Envy Homunculus Envy who did it Envy.

Meanwhile, on the roof, a kidnapped Risty May was in the midst of being kidnapped.

"So, why are you kidnapping me this time?" Risty May asked from where she was slung over Envy's shoulder.

"Because you're hot and I love you despite hating your whole kind for 400 years," he replied in a "duh" tone.

"Um, but...this just doesn't seem right," Risty May said.

"Shut up and accept my love."

So, in just a few moments they'd made it all the way to Dante's mysterious hideout. Yes, just a few moments, because we don't have all day. Dante was waiting there.

"I see you've brought her. Excellent work, Envy. Now stick her in something sexy so I can ogle her," Dante said.

"Wait! What?" Risty May cried. "I thought you kidnapped me to use me for evil purposes!"

"No, I just kidnapped you because you're hot and I like you," Dante said.

"That's not fair! I saw her first!" Envy argued.

"You get to kill Ed, remember? You can't have your Risty May and eat your cake too," Dante said.

Risty May climbed down off Envy's shoulder. "Hold on," she said, holding up her hands and starting to panic a little. "Dante, you're supposed to still love Hohenheim, aren't you?"

"That moldy old guy? Pfft."

Suddenly, some double doors were thrown open. "I object!" Wrath yelled as he dashed into the room. He grabbed Risty May around the neck, which was supposed to be some kind of hug.

"Don't be ridiculous!" Dante snapped. "You don't ever get love interests!"

"Well, I want one now! This one!" Wrath argued, shaking Risty May back and forth as her face started to turn blue.

"Well don't STRANGLE her you idiot!" Envy yelled, kicking him into the wall.

The doors burst open again, and Lust appeared. "Drop my love interest and step away," she said.

"We're not going through this again," Dante said.

"I...really appreciate this, but...I don't date adults or girls or artificial humans or psychopathic murderers or any combination of those," Risty May wheezed.

A wall was suddenly broken open. "Well, I'm none of those, so get over here!" Ed yelled.

"If you'll get me out of here!" Risty May cried, scrambling over as the Homunculi and Dante started to advance menacingly.

Ed reached out and grabbed her hand, pulling her out of the room, then clapped his hands and fixed the wall. "Come on, let's move it," he said.

"Okay!"

They ran for their lives into the sunset.

* * *

(...)

* * *

**DELETED SCENES THEATER**

Zilo: Welp, here's a little treat for you guys! A couple of written pieces that didn't quite make it into TSG! This includes some interaction between RM and the Homunculi, cooking, explosions, and Omake that landed on the cutting room floor!

Risty: Please enjoy!

* * *

_Scene 1  
Risty May and Envy's next session_

That night, Risty May was sitting on the Rockbells' porch again, a blanket draped over her pajamas, looking out into the night. This time she was alert, so she saw when Envy appeared from the left and made his way over. She scooted over to make room for him as he climbed the porch steps and plopped down in his usual spot, propping his elbows on his legs.

"Um, hi!" Risty May said, attempting cheer.

Envy glanced at her, then back out at the night sky, resting his chin in his hand.

"So...how are you?" she ventured.

After a few moments, Envy sighed heavily. "I'm fine," he said grudgingly.

More silence. Risty May pulled the blanket closer around her and looked down in her lap. Beneath her blanket, she reached for her necklace and grasped it for courage. "What would you like to talk about today?" she asked.

"Whatever," Envy said.

Risty May bit her lip. Envy was always like this at first. It was still up in the air on whether or not he'd warm up this time. "Um, do you like to go for walks?" she blurted.

Envy gave her a look like she was insane. That seemed to be his favorite way to look at her. "What for? They're pointless," he said.

"Walks are great. You get to enjoy nature and get good exercise all at once," Risty May argued.

"Nature is stupid and exercise is pointless," was Envy's counter-argument.

"Well, for you it is, I guess. You can make yourself as sexy as you want," Risty May said with a little sigh of envy.

Envy snorted at the comment.

"But us normal humans have to work to be sexy."

"Yet another of your kind's many, many flaws," Envy said with a sneer.

"Well, that's when we try at all," Risty May said with a sheepish smile. "I'm afraid I've never worked very hard at the sexy thing. Zoe's much sexier than me."

"Why should you care anyway? Not like it matters," Envy said.

Risty May blinked. "Why do you say that?"

"Sexy wouldn't suit someone stupid like you. You'd be better aiming for cute," Envy said in a know-it-all tone.

Risty May blinked a couple more times, then smiled widely. "Well, I suppose you would know—you've been around people a lot longer than me!"

Envy looked startled at this, but then he glared. "Don't go getting any stupid ideas, thinking you can sway me with cuteness or something equally idiotic. It would be beyond pointless."

"Actually, I never said I'd try that."

He opened his mouth to say something, then shut it and glared some more.

"What do you think's better? Cute or sexy?" Risty May asked, genuinely curious.

An irritated "Uffh!" was his answer.

Risty May twirled her big toes together. "Well...I prefer cute. When you're sexy then men just stare at your boobs and butt and talk about how they want to 'hit that' and stuff. That kind of talk makes me uncomfortable. Like they think girls are objects or something."

Envy raised an eyebrow. "'Hit that'?" he repeated.

"Yeah. That's what the guys say back home. Things like—" here she tried to affect a homeboy accent "—'yo man, check out the booty on that!' 'Mmm mm, girl, bring some of that over here!' 'Want some fries with that shake?' 'Man, I'd like to hit that!' 'Shake it like a pepper shaker, baby!'"

When she finished, she realized that Envy was staring at her openmouthed. She blushed deeply. "W-Well, they do!" she defended herself.

Envy continued to stare at her for several seconds. Finally he spoke. "I knew humans were idiots, but this goes far beyond my lowest expectations."

"W-Well they're not all like that!" Risty May said hastily. "Some guys are really nice, like my dad! And my cousins! And my uncle! And some of the boys at school! You just have to look for them is all!"

"So, what? That kind of crap's been said to you?" Envy asked.

"No, not me. I just heard it when I was with Zoe sometimes. I don't get hit on very often," Risty May explained.

"Why? They think you're ugly?"

"Well...I don't know. I don't think so; I just...sort of don't get it much. I-It's not like I mind though—I don't really need a boyfriend anyway. I'm too young and stuff."

"Pfft. That's a pretty lame excuse," Envy said.

Risty May shrugged, pulling her knees up so she could rest her arms on them. "Well, what about you? Have you ever had a girlfriend, or wanted one?"

"Are you insane?" Envy demanded, whipping around to face her with an angry look.

Risty May flinched. "Sorry," she mumbled, looking down into the blanket. She fingered her necklace nervously. "I just wondered."

"No," he snapped, turning to face the dark horizon again.

"...Did you ever...like anyone? Like, not hate somebody?"

"Nope," he said, as if it was a stupid question.

_(it was supposed to end with Envy randomly kidnapping Risty May and then bringing her back, but...I lost so much steam I just gave up and hacked it out)_

* * *

_Scene 2  
Baking with Risty May and Izumi_

"Still getting used to the new hair, I see," Izumi commented as Risty May wandered into the kitchen, fingering her hair with both hands.

"I guess so. It still seems so odd for it not to touch my shoulders," Risty May admitted.

"It'll grow back," Izumi told her. "Hopefully you won't hack it off in a fit of emotion then."

Risty May blushed and looked around the kitchen. "Um, where's Mr. Sig and Mr. Mason?" she asked.

Izumi turned on the stove. "They're handling the inventory shipment. It's late today. Tell me, Risty May, do you cook?"

"Yes ma'am," Risty May said, nodding. She watched Izumi break out several ingredients from the cupboards. "What are you making?" she asked.

"Tonight seemed like a good night for stew," Izumi commented, pulling out a huge pot and carrying it to the sink.

"I know how to make stew! My mom taught me!" Risty May said.

"Good, give me a hand with it then."

"Yes ma'am!" Risty May washed her hands at the sink and then went over to where Izumi had laid out several different veggies and a couple of onions. A giant knife was stabbed into the cutting board, apparently waiting to be used. Risty May sweatdropped at how ominous it looked and grasped the handle. She tried to pull it out with both hands, but it was wedged in too firmly.

"Hold on." Izumi moved her aside and gripped the handle. One-handedly, she pulled out the knife easily.

"Oh." Risty May accepted the knife, which seemed large enough to be a sword, and started to cut up the first onion.

"So, tell me about your mother," Izumi said as she carried the pot, now half-full of water, over to the stove and set it on the hot burner. She produced a glass bottle of milk and dumped the whole thing into the pot.

"Well, Mom's really nice. She used to be a nurse, but she quit to stay home and take care of me. Aside from Zoe, she's probably my best friend. I can talk to her about anything," Risty May said, a glow unknowingly spreading over her face as she talked about her mom. "She's tough sometimes, but she's always fair. Oh, and she likes to throw stuff at me."

"Sounds like an interesting woman," Izumi commented as she placed a couple of chicken legs onto a second cutting board.

Risty May finished dicing the onion and reached for a stalk of broccoli. "She is! You'd probably get along really well. I wish you could meet her," she said wistfully.

Izumi smiled.

_(and...that was it. I took it out because it didn't seem to add much and was more like filler than anything else)_

* * *

_Scene 3  
Alchemy In The Hospital_

Riza followed Roy as he walked down the hospital corridor. She didn't miss the proud set of his shoulders. Roy Mustang was never one to not bask in the glory of finishing up paperwork early. He'd probably make a public announcement of it if he could.

"Don't let me forget what time it is," he told her as they walked. "I've still got that meeting."

"I won't, don't worry," Riza assured him.

He looked at her over his shoulder and smirked. "I was expecting a compliment on how responsible I'm being today," he said smugly.

"Perhaps another time," she replied.

They reached the door, and Roy knocked. At just that moment, there was a muffled _BOOM _on the other side of the door, causing them both to jump. Roy and Riza exchanged glances, and she pulled out her gun. Roy threw open the door, his free hand going for his gloves.

Smoke obscured the room. Roy waved it away around his head. "Fullmetal!" he called.

"Hang on," Ed's voice said, relieving them both. There was a clap, and the smoke was swept out the window by a freak wind. When the room cleared, they saw that Ed was in fact, not under attack, and was minding his own business sitting in the hospital bed. On one side of the bed, facing the door, Alphonse was sitting in a chair. On the other side, her back to the door, was Risty May, her hair pulled into two braids.

She twisted around. "Colonel Roy! Lieutenant Riza! I'm sorry! I was trying to do some transmuting and the knock scared me!" she said.

Riza sighed and holstered her gun. "Perhaps you two should have your alchemy lessons after Edward's allowed outside," she said.

"What are you guys doing here anyway?" Ed asked, frowning.

"Oh, so I can't come and visit my subordinate in the hospital just because I want to?" Roy asked.

"Hell no."

"Brother," Al admonished.

"What do you want?" Ed went on anyway.

_(and...that was as far as I got)_

_

* * *

_(...)_  
_

_

* * *

_

_Backwards Theater  
_**OMAKE THEATER**

The store tripped.

Risty May didn't see the banana peel and stepped on it.

"Hey! Watch out for that banana peel!" Ed cried.

Risty May smiled with relief and stepped back to let them bond.

"Yeah, okay," said Ed.

"Okay," said Envy.

Risty May grabbed his hand and then grabbed Envy's. "Now be friends, for me, please?" she asked them.

"Okay, but only because I love you more than I've ever loved anyone," Ed said, walking over.

"Here I am!" Risty May said, waving her hand. "Come here so I can conspire to make you and Envy friends!"

At that moment, Ed walked in. "I'm here!" he yelled. "Where's my woman—I mean, where's Risty May?"

Envy sat down.

"Before you kill me, please sit down!" Risty May pleaded.

"Guess I'll kill you then. If I can't have you no one can," Envy said.

"I don't kiss shemales, sorry," Risty May said.

"Before Ed gets here, wanna kiss me?" Envy asked.

"Sure, because you're the only human I'll ever love," Envy said, proceeding to stop holding up the store. The occupants ran for their lives.

"Envy! Don't hold up the store!" Risty May exclaimed.

At the store, because the plot demanded it, Envy was randomly there holding up the store.

Risty May sighed and hung up the phone. She hadn't even been able to say goodbye before he hung up. But she shook it off and walked to the store.

_"Sure. See you there." _Ed hung up.

"That clothing store down the street. Oh, and don't bring Al either, okay?" Risty May said.

_"Sure, it's not like I have an actual job or anything. Where do you wanna meet?" _asked Ed.

"Hi, Ed, it's Risty May! Could you meet me please?" Risty May asked.

_"Hello?" _Ed said on the other line.

_"One moment, please." _There was a click, then silence. Risty May waited patiently.

"Yes, I'd like to speak to the Fullmetal Alchemist," Risty May said.

_"How may I direct your call?" _said the operator.

Risty May woke up one day and decided to change the plot of FMA. So she got dressed and ran to give Ed a call.

_(I scrapped it because it was just a leedle confusing!)

* * *

_

(...)

_

* * *

  
_

**PREVIEW THEATER**

Zilo: Hokay! Here's a tasty little preview from Chapter 2 of TSGTM! Enjoy!

* * *

The sun was beginning to rise, changing the atmosphere from dark and gloomy to dimly lit. My relief at finally being able to see a little better was short-lived when I tripped over what felt like an exposed root and landed face down in the bushes.

I wanted to cry. At some point in my following the road I had found that my voice had deserted me entirely. I had also stepped on something sharp and my foot was bleeding. All my muscles were sore.

And, of course, the worst part of it was that I still hadn't located Ed. For all I knew he had woken up somewhere else and started walking in the opposite direction. I might have wasted precious time making it even more difficult to find him.

_Please, just let something go right. Please._

I managed to struggle to my feet again. Keeping my weight off of my gashed heel, I began moving forward again, weakly pushing bushes and low-hanging branches out of the way. My eyes tiredly moved back to the road to ensure I hadn't strayed, and spotted something lying on the road.

Stopping, I gazed down at it until it made sense. It looked like some dark article of clothing. I realized that this could be the answer to my nakedness problem. Excitedly, I pushed my way out of the bushes I'd been walking through and hobbled over to it, bending and quickly picking it up before gravity could make me fall again.

It was a coat, dark blue with a thigh-length hem. There was a tear in the back, around where the left shoulder blade would have been, and a couple of patches on it, both different shades of brown. All the buttons were gone except for the top one.

The way it was designed made me think it was a man's coat. It didn't even matter to me—I was so thrilled to have something to cover up with it could have been a striped prison jumpsuit or a pink tutu. I put it on, pulling my arms through the sleeves. The coat felt very worn, but in that comfy old shirt way. I closed the top button, though that didn't do too much, and used both hands to lift my hair out from underneath it.

I used one hand to hold the coat closed so it properly covered me, and then sighed in relief. It felt good to have something covering me besides my hair. Now I didn't have to cower in the bushes. I brushed my bangs out of my eyes yet again and continued following the road.

The area got lighter and my steps got slower. My foot had stopped bleeding, but the pain hadn't gone away. I was fearful of getting an infection in the injury, and didn't dare risk putting my foot down on the ground. I was also wondering how long this forest lasted, and when this road would break through the trees.

_I just gotta keep walking, _I told myself, doggedly moving on even though I could have happily passed out on the ground. _Until I can find something, or someone, or—or—_

Or what, I didn't know.

The joints in my good leg suddenly complained, and before I could blink I found myself tumbling forward. I managed to fling my arms out to catch myself, and landed heavily on the ground, scraping my arms through the coat's sleeves.

I stayed there, wanting to move but practically unable to. I hadn't quite realized how hard I was pushing my body in order to keep walking, but my body was more than happy to let all the pain I'd been ignoring rush over me. I wanted to get up, but I couldn't. So I laid face down on the ground with my arms around my head, like I'd decided to sulk in the road or something.

I'm really not sure how long I laid there, but eventually I heard what sounded like footsteps coming towards me. I tried to get up on my elbows so I could see who it was, maybe get a feel for what timeline I was in by their clothes or something, but my arms refused to listen to me. At least not without sending horrible stabs of increased pain up through my shoulders and neck.

So I lay there pathetically, listening as the footsteps got closer, until they seemed to be near my head. Then a voice spoke. "I think she's alive." It sounded like a woman.

"Oh, look at her foot—she's hurt," said a second woman's voice, higher and breathier than the first.

"She might be unconscious. Let's turn her over so she can get some air, poor thing." I felt two hands grasp my right arm, and would have squeaked in pain had I not lost my voice. It just came out as a little breath of protest. Another pair of hands slid under my side and helped to flip me over. I didn't even realize my eyes were closed until I noticed I couldn't see anything.

"She looks so young!" said the higher voice.

"Here, help me get her on my back." The hands pulled me into a sitting position. I didn't move or assist them in any way; the urge to take a nap was getting stronger. Apparently it was strong enough that I actually fell asleep by the time they were draping my arms over a pair of shoulders.

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(...)

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**ORIGINS THEATER  
**_Some Facts About TSG_

TSG has completely mutated from its original idea. At first it was supposed to be about 10 chapters long. Risty May's original name was Melissa May Lina Fernando, AKA Lissy May. She would botch the chain letter and switch bodies with Ed. On her side she'd cause the usual hijinks in trying to play Ed. On his side he'd cause his own hijinks impersonating Lissy May and would run around nearly destroying all the modern technology he had no idea how to use. Eventually the chain letter would switch them back for no good reason. And Zoe didn't even exist in the story.

Yeah, you see how well that worked.

You can officially blame Misty May Treanor for the main character name switch. I fell in love with the "isty May" sound, and swapped Melissa for the similar-sounding Marista. Changing Lina Fernando to Lidia Fernandez had no real reason behind it, I just felt like it. I added Zoe for extra and better scenes and rolled on with it.

The reason I extended the story was mostly because of reviewer feedback. I was having too good a time writing and didn't want the story to end so fast, so I changed the plot to add an extra 14 chapters. The story WAS going to end not too soon after Risty May's encounter with Envy on the train, with the chain letter and her wishing coming in sync that night and pulling her, Zoe, and Ed back to her home.

Again, the reviewers changed my mind. A lot of them said, "Wow, I wonder how Envy will act when he sees RM again, especially after she told him she loved him!" That made me think "Yeah, what WOULD he do?" And I extended the story yet again, changed the plot once more, and started to add in hints of a very weird friendship between Envy and Risty. It wasn't until Risty May briefly turned to the dark side that I came up with the idea of her not actually returning home at the end of the story.

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**REVIEWER AWARD THEATER**

**Most Dedicated Reviewer: **Colonel Bastard _and _Asj Johnson

**Longest Review(s): **Asj Johnson

**Most Helpful Review(s): **agent000

**Most Anticipated Review(s): **Asj Johnson, Colonel Bastard, agent000, Half Human Homunculi, Wandering Hitokiri _and _Arktos

**Biggest Bulk Of Reviews: **Illa Scriptor

**Funniest Reviews: **Half Human Homunculi, Wandering Hitokiri, _and _Colonel Bastard

**Hundredth Reviewers: **Wandering Hitokiri, Namikazelil, Half Human Homunculi, _and _KatrinaEagle

**Idea-Inducing Reviewer: **Little Patch of Heaven _and _Asj Johnson

_(don't worry if you aren't listed! I appreciate each and every single review I received! Without your support I probably would have given up, so thank you all so much!)

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_

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_

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_

**OMAKE CONTEST WINNER**

Zilo: Here we go, everyone! It's time to announce our winner!

Risty: I'm so excited!

Zilo: Yup! And the winner of our Make Your Own Omake contest is...

(drumroll)

Zoe: Come on, let's hear it!

Zilo: **Little Patch of Heaven**!

(cheer track)

Risty: Congratulations! Your winner's packet has been sent!

Zilo: Now let's all peep what kind of wittiness **Li'l Patch **sent in for the win!

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**The Winner**

Are you one of the millions around the world suffering from Ed Separation Anxiety? ESA is a serious illness that may turn fatal if not dealt with. But now there is a cure. The Almighty-Edward-Summoning-Button is easy to use and now at a cheap price. When you begin to be overwhelmed with the symptoms of ESA (which include fainting, daydreaming, quickening of heartbeat, worry, depression, anxiety, sweating, heavily sighing, attempting to steal Edward Elric plushies from stores, etc.) simply give the AESB a simple press, and the one and only Edward Elric will be summoned to your place and time for a short amount of time. Now, for only 99 payments of $9.99, you too can be cured of your ESA. The AESM should not be used more than one time a week, and should not be used to escape from the real world. This company is not responsible for accidents during attempted glomps or fangirl rampages. As well, we are not to be blamed if you are given another Edward instead (such as Edward Cullen).

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**Zilo: And that, as they say, was all she wrote!**

**Risty: At least for now!**

**Zilo: This fic will not be updated again, so no more extras! I want to thank everyone for sticking it out so long for TSG! I really appreciate your kind words, constructive criticism, funny reviews, and e-support! I look forward to seeing you all in the sequel!! Bye!!**


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